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Zoon

Posted on Thursday, September 28th, 2006

Dave!As a Certified Apple Whore, I bought a first-generation iPod the minute it became available. I then went on to buy an assortment of other iPod models because Apple owns my ass. I have not, however, purchased a video iPod because the screen is too small for extended viewing. Until they manage to make a model with a larger screen, I'll just have to make due with my iPod nano, iPod Shuffle, and third-generation iPod.

But now Microsoft has come along with a media player of their own called "Zune" which features a larger screen and other toys that the iPod lacks...

Mszune

It will come as a surprise to nobody that I will not be buying one of these. The REASON I will not be buying one, however, probably will be surprising...

  • It's NOT because it's made by Microsoft. Though I hate MS Windows with a fury of a thousand suns, I'm perfectly willing to purchase other Microsoft products if they're the best option for me. I've owned MS mice. I use MS Office. I have an MS Xbox. I do not discount something out-of-hand just because Microsoft makes it.
  • It's NOT because Zune is ugly. Sure this product looks laughably bad... the tacky silver trim accents alone are enough to make me gag... but looks are fleeting. Take my Apple stuff. Sure it looks great out of the box, but it isn't built to stay that way. My iPod looks like shit because it's all scratched up. My beautiful aluminum PowerBook looks like crap because the metal coating wasn't anodized properly and is flaking off. Because of that, even Zune's horrendous design doesn't bother me.
  • It's NOT because there's no version for the Mac. You'd think this would be a deal-breaker, but it's not. If Zune was compelling enough, I'd install Windows on my Macs and use it that way. Not an ideal solution but, I update my iPods only before I go on a trip, so I could probably stand to use Windows just long enough to update my Zune.
  • It's NOT because Microsoft has a shitty reputation for their handling of Digital Rights Management. In my opinion, ALL DRM is crap, and the fact that Microsoft developed their "PlaysForSure" solution and then totally abandoned it for something fresher on Zune is just the price you pay (I guess "PlaysForSure" is now "PlaysForShit?"). Most of my music is from CDs anyway, and what few tracks I do have from Apple can be made DRM-free if you have the patience to research how.

So what is it? What possible reason is keeping me from buying a Zune? If you care, the answer is in an extended entry...

Why no Zune for Dave?

BECAUSE IT HAS THE STUPIDEST NAME FOR A DEVICE EVER!!!

WTF?? I realize that Microsoft is always playing catch-up and is constantly late to the game... but you'd think that even they would have the sense to know that "Zune" sounds dated and stupid, stupid, STUPID. I fully expect that the next-generation of their players will be called "X-TREME ZUNE" or some other antiquated and lame market branding that sucks ass. What IS the thinking here anyway? Dude!! It's like "tune" but with a "Z" dude!! How awesome! You can listen to your muZic and watch your movieZ and view your picturZ on a Zzzzzzzune!

I would be f#@%ing embarrassed as hell whenever somebody asked me what media player I use. I'd probably run away in shame rather than answer. Sure "iPod" is a bit strange, but at least it's historically cool. You've got POD PEOPLE... cool. You've got OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL... cool. Keep looking and "pod" is used as everything from slang for marijuana to a cool album name by Ween. What does "Zune" do for you? NOTHING. Even Google, who knows everything, asks you "Did you mean: zone?" if you do an image search. How lame can you get?

It sounds like something out of a bad science fiction movie.

Or maybe a comic book from 1964. Well, kinda.

You see, "Zoon" is the name of the home planet for Legion of Super-Heroes member Timber Wolf (and probably did sound like a cool name for a planet back in the 60's). Timber Wolf started out as Lone Wolf. He's kind of like a "Wolverine-light" in that his super-powers consist of kicking ass...

Zoon1

As with all new super-hero introductions, there was a big misunderstanding at the beginning. Everybody thought he was a super-criminal, but it turns out he wasn't. Lone Wolf was also brainwashed into thinking he was a robot, which wasn't the case either (you know how comic books are)...

Zoon2

But all that eventually sorted itself out. Lone Wolf changed his name to Timber Wolf, gave himself a tougher look, and eventually became a totally bad-ass Legionnaire. And, even though it's a thousand years into the future, only Timber Wolf has the stones to tell it like it is...

Zoon3

So, if Microsoft were releasing their media player in 1964... "Zune" would be a perfectly cool name. It might even be okay if they were trying to ride the "X-treme Marketing" wave of five years ago. But for today, it's just sad. There is simply no way you can make "Zune" sound cool in any capacity. I can't imagine anybody wanting to buy anything called "Zune" and can only hope that Microsoft's new project goes down in flames very quickly so I won't have to be annoyed with the inevitable advertising campaign they're going to inundate us with. DUDE! YOU'RE GETTIN' A ZUNE!!

If Apple would get off their asses and give us a decent screen for video in an iPod, I wouldn't have to worry about this stuff in the first place. Bad Apple. BAD!!

BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Suffrage
BLOGDATE: February 15, 2005
   
In which Dave examines the ever-changing roles of the sexes in comic books throughout the years, and speculates that the future is not so bright for the hairier, smellier sex.
Click here to go back in time...


Categories: Apple Stuff 2006, Music 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. jodi says:

    i will not be buying one for all the reasons you mentioned that you are not not buying one. apple owns my ass as well.

    WHORES!

  2. Rob says:

    I too am an Apple whore. I won’t buy a upgrade or add on or device unless it matches my iBook. Must be white, small, and have an apple logo on it. I even have a white car with the apple stickers on it so my iBook feels at home in it.

  3. Bec says:

    It looks really cheap – like the many iPod knock offs you see floating around eBay… Whereas the dinky little new iPod Shuffle I’ve jut put on pre-order is so cute. I want it here now! I want it so bad I may have to cancel my order and get the train to the new Apple Store in Manchester in two weeks when they are released!

  4. no3ik says:

    omg!
    when i first read the name “Zune”!!
    all i could think of …
    “i have to re-read it, maybe im saying it wrong” @@
    i was sure something wasnt right.
    omg, a very very lame stupid name!! zune
    a name that would fit perfectly for a vacuum machine or ablender maybe!! shit! this time they really f&*ed up ;p

    i mean does it stand for anything? is it supposed to mean anything?

  5. nick sizzle says:

    i don’t know…
    i love nintendo, but the amazing Wii is pretty bad, too.

  6. dirty says:

    I’m not much for this sort of stuff…because the only MP3 player I own is my cell phone…I still love your taste in music though…xoxo

  7. yellojkt says:

    I don’t remember Timberwolf, but Saturn Girl was totally hott.

    I am such a dork.

  8. Mooselet says:

    I don’t even own an mp3 player (although my eldest and hubby do) so I can’t comment on quality. But Zune rhymes with so many lame things:

    Loon
    Moon
    Noon
    Prune

    Nothing that rhymes with prune can be good.

  9. Dave2 says:

    Jodi… Yep, Apple has made us their bitch, and there’s nothing we can do about it. 🙁

    Rob… I like my Mac Mini. It looks like a toy, but is totally a real computer!

    Bec… Oh yes. The new Shuffle is indeed sweet! I want one pretty bad, but I’ve got so many iPods I’d feel bad.

    No3ik… Yes, it’s TUNE with a Z instead of a T. How cool is THAT? Not.

    Nick… But at least Wii is totally cool. I can’t wait to get one.

    Dirty… My mobile phone no likes the iTunes. 🙁

    Yellojkt… I totally had a thing for Triplicate Girl… but for entirely different reasons. 😛

    Mooselet… Unless you’re constipated. :-O

  10. zuhn says:

    I think that’s the best reason not to buy the Zune. It’s an assault on my eyes because it’s one letter off from my last name and I keep thinking they’re talking about me.

  11. Avitable says:

    I fucking love that you just dedicated a post to LoSH. Do you read the current incarnation? I really enjoy it.

  12. Dave2 says:

    Zuhn… On the bright side, when the advertising starts for Zune, you’ll be famous!! 🙂

    Avitable… I’m a total whore for Legion of Super-Heroes too. I’ve got an uninterrupted run from the most current stuff all the way back to Superboy #197 (and several issues back thru Adventure). It’s probably my favorite comic book series of all time, warts and all. The current stuff is actually pretty good… but my favorite remains the Gerry Conway era (around #250). I also loved the Giffen stuff (including “Five Years Later”), which most die-hard fans don’t.

  13. Kapha says:

    I’m still waiting for all this stuff to come together.

    I figure 2009 or so. 😉

    P.S. Is it just me, or is Gravatar.com running slow as Yak Snot in January these days?

  14. Eve says:

    Obvious Apple Whore up in here. No Zuning for me. I’m more than happy to wait it out with Apple, they’ll come through. If there’s anything I can bank on in this lifetime, it’s that Apple will come through.

  15. karla says:

    I like my iPod. I’m not that gadget obsessed, so when I find one I like, I stick with it until I look like a dork with my 10 year old whatever. (You should see my cell phone. Apparently it’s embarrassing but I just don’t care. It works and it’s fine.)

    So I’ll stick with my 5th gen iPod until it dies, or, as I rather fear is more possible, it’s so scratched up and beaten up I can’t do shit with it. Even with the iPod cover i have for it, it still is in pretty rough shape.

    When it dies I’ll decide what to get next. I hope i have a few years yet.

  16. bella says:

    I too am an Apple whore. But I got my MacBook in white and my iPod in black. Kinda yin-yang-ing it.

  17. serap says:

    Ahhhh, I have the song ‘zoom’ by fat larry’s band in my head now!

  18. Anthony says:

    So what do you think of the Nintendo Wii’s name?

  19. EDDIE says:

    I am what I wear…
    so I only do Apple.

  20. MRKisThatKid says:

    I think the funniest thing about the Zune, other than the name naturally, is that they can’t even manufacture this cheap looking piece of crap under cost! They’re making a loss on each unit! WTF!

    Oh yeah and its biggest unique feature is being able to share music via wifi, but this feature requires you to know other people who own a zune. So the chances are you wouldn’t even get to use it’s big feature. So dumb, now if it could somehow link up to a nearby iPod.

  21. Laurence says:

    I like how you keep Ze reader in suspenZe… You’re Zo funny !!!

    I like Ze referenZe : legion of Zuper-HeroeZ (1964)… I love all old ComicZ bookZ…

    What ? I have a lisp !!! (“Quoi, je zozote” in french).
    Oh, it’Z probably Ze effect of Zune !
    I too hate thiZ name !!!

    DAVE, PREZIDENT !!! WOO, WOO !!!

  22. Miss Britt says:

    Never discount the power of marketing! LOL

    I want an iPod SOOOO bad. And my husband keeps trying to talk me into getting some “other MP3 player that you can get at Wal-Mart for $60 that does the same damn thing”.

    But THAT doesn’t sound nearly as cool as having an “iPod”. Does it?

  23. “Even Google, who knows everything, asks you “Did you mean: zone?”

    lmao….omg, that is funny. how uncool am I? I’ve never even heard of this Zune thingamabob.

  24. kapgar says:

    Holy crap! How long’s it been since you did a Flashback?

    Anyone else notice that the dude in the purple outfit’s face color changed from one frame to the next?

    But, seriously, though, how does one go about receiving certification as an Apple Whore? I must qualify on at least a few levels, right?

  25. Rick says:

    Heh. Microsoft? All spot-on. You should see the e-mail I got from the Zune marketeer who demanded that we “fix” that Google thing. And when did you become a LSH expert? Yer wa-a-a-y too young. 😉

  26. claire says:

    The brown model takes the design to a heightened level of badness. No zune for me.

  27. Epona says:

    Speaking of iPods, I really want an MP3 player that holds *all* of my music and that’s going to last without giving me grief. My sister has an iPod and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up getting it as well. But I’ve heard a lot of different things about the device, from “it’s perfect” to “it’s total garbage.”

    My computer is a HP and we run Windows XP. I heard that if not using a Mac, iPods tend to perform badly. Is this true? Should I spend my money on an iPod or try for something else? I just don’t know.

  28. Dave2 says:

    Most computers run Windows, thus most iPod users use Windows… most of my friends have Windows and use iPods just fine.

    Sooo… since I don’t run Windows, I’d hate to be the one to advise you, but a LOT of people are using an iPod with Windows and seem okay with it?

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