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Herpes

Posted on Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

Dave!Last night while I was waiting for a surprisingly tame episode of Veronica Mars, I saw a new commercial for a product called Herpecin. In case you hadn't guessed, Herpecin is used for treating any herpes infections that happen to find their way onto your face. And, while I appreciate that when you get oral herpes there is a product to take care of it...

HERPECIN?!?

Dude! Seriously. Who in the heck wants to walk into the drugstore and ask the sales clerk: "Where can I find the Herpecin?"

Worst. Product. Name. Ever.

But it did get me thinking about what would happen if this trend escalates...

Dave Remedies

Bleh.

Unfortunately, as wonderful as modern medicine is... THERE IS STILL NO CURE FOR DUMBASS!!

Some stupid f#@%er is suing Apple Computer because listening to an iPod at full volume can cause hearing loss.

WELL NO SHIT YOU MORON!

Here's another newsflash for you... CUTTING YOURSELF WITH A KNIFE CAN CAUSE BLOOD LOSS!!

Who are these ignorant douchebags that are incapable of comprehending the obvious? The iPod NEEDS to have high volumes because NOT ALL MUSIC IS RECORDED AT THE SAME LEVEL! Some music is recorded softer than others. Many audiobooks certainly are. Some of the podcasts I've listened to are barely audible, even at full volume. On top of all that, some people are hard of hearing and need higher volume levels in order to hear anything in the first place. It's up to the individual to determine what volume level is appropriate for them and, if they are too f#@%ing stupid to figure it out, then they shouldn't be allowed to buy an iPod in the first place.

Seriously. This has got to stop.

Whenever a lawyer files such a stupid lawsuit, they should be immediately shot and then lit on fire. Or maybe bludgeoned with metal pipe and forced to choke on their own vomit. Or something involving a hack-saw and flesh-eating parasites. I dunno. All I do know is that this shit HAS GOT TO STOP!

What really chaps my ass is that these greedy turds are filing the lawsuit under the pretense of public safety, but the truth is that they WANT TO GET PAID. LAWYERS WANT MONEY!! Never mind that people have been using headphones for decades, all of a sudden everybody is too stupid and irresponsible to know that loud music can damage your hearing. WTF?!?

At some point people have to be responsible for their own stupidity rather than forcing everybody else to do it for them. That USED to be the American Way. But NOW the American Way is to sue everybody you can. Is this really what everybody wants for this country? Nobody wins but the blood-sucking bastard lawyers.

Anyway, one last thing... do you like potato chips? If you do, you'll want to read the rest of today's extended entry. If you don't like potato chips, then FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW!!

Helpful Hint: If you are from outside the USA, replace the word "chip" with "crisp" in the remainder of this entry.

A popular brand of gourmet potato chips from here in the Pacific Northwest is Kettle Chips. They've expanded their distribution quite a bit over the years, spreading their unique flavor and quality around the world. It's a classic example of a good product getting the popularity it deserves.

As a big Kettle Chips fan (their Salt & Pepper Krinkle Cut Chips, New York Cheddar Herb Chips, and Cheddar Beer Chips are awesome), I was intrigued when I heard that they were having a new flavor competition at their Straight-Up Flavor site. But rather than just telling you about the flavors, they allow you to order a tasting kit as well.

So what do you get for your $9.95 + $6.95 shipping?

Surprisingly, a very nice "Happy Hour in a Box" that comes complete with chips, score cards, tasting guide, and serving suggestions. The extras are pretty sweet considering that they could have just crammed the chips in the box and called it good...

Happy Hour Box

The idea is that you get a group of people together and have a chip tasting party...

Happy Hour Chips

Kettle Chips are kick-ass thick and crispy, so they hold flavor well. You get a 5-oz. sampling of each flavor, which is enough for a bunch of people to get a good taste of the five varieties...

  • Buffalo Bleu Cheese: The taste of buffalo wings in bleu cheese dip. A nice balance between hot and cool that's mild enough to eat by the handful without the cumulative flavor overload that seems to happen with other flavored chips.
  • Dirty Martini: The taste of juniper and olive. My least favorite, I could not get past the juniper flavor which tasted like Pine-Sol.
  • Tuscan Three Cheese: The taste of goat cheese and Romano cheese with a hint of tomato and red pepper. The taste is great, but the goat cheese makes this chip smell like dirty socks.
  • Spicy Mary: The taste of a spicy Bloody Mary drink. I like the initial taste, but the heat builds up so that you can't really enjoy anything past that first chip. The tomato-vinegar flavor is good, and I don't mind the tinge of vodka and celery, but the "spicy" needs to be toned way down.
  • Creamy Caesar: The taste of a Caesar salad dressing, without the anchovies. Nicely flavored in buttermilk and parmesan, with a touch of garlic and green onion. I don't like over-flavored chips, but these weren't flavored enough. If they boost the parmesan and garlic a bit, this will make a good chip.

All in all, it's more fun than you deserve to have with potato chips. I wish more companies would do stuff like this. When I ordered my box, they said it was limited to 500 people... but it looks like they're going to do another batch of 500. If you're interested in the future of potato chip technology, there still may be time to participate.

Why can't somebody do this with pudding?


Categories: Apple Stuff 2006, Food 2006, Music 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. MRKisThatKid says:

    My favourite Kettle Chips flavour has to be balsamic vinegar and sea salt. It doesn’t sound like anything special but my god something spectacular happens in your mouth.

    Unfortunately you didn’t pick a good day for talking about crisps as after struggling to squeeze into some trousers I haven’t worn in a while I’ve discovered I’ve become a lard ass.

  2. karla says:

    Mmm…kettle chips. Mmm….I like just plain ol’ salted. Boring, me.

    I’ve just got my iPod up and running (I got the new generation one that plays videos? It’s storage is bigger than my new computer …wtf?). I am planning on going deaf, by, oh, say, Sunday?

    Oh damn. I’m in Norway and can’t sue. Eh, who cares. Free health care, I’ll just get some new ears.

  3. Neil T. says:

    Seabrooks Crisps are about 10 minutes walk from my house. They’re more mass-produced than Kettle Chips but very nice. A lot of pubs in the north of England sell them.

    As for iPods, all iPods sold in EU countries have the volume set quite a bit lower specifically to prevent hearing damage. You can modify the firmware to fix it though, and in any case iTunes lets you manually set the volume on songs so quieter ones can be made louder. You can also enable ‘Sound Check’ on the Playback tab of the Preferences panel and have iTunes automatically analyse the volume of files and adjust them accordingly. All changes afre reflected on the iPod as well.

  4. Lisa says:

    herpecin?

    I think you pretty much summed it up with “Bleh”.

  5. Rob says:

    Thank goodness they don’t have a herpecin flavored kettle chip. Now that would be an interesting taste.

  6. ChillyWilly says:

    That whole iPod lawsuit is such the low point our society has come to. What’s next? a sticker on each iPod that warns against listening to it too loud.

    Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer is listening to a commercial about football tickets:

    – Announcer: Warning: tickets should not be taken internally.

    – Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

    Kettle chips are great. We normally get them from Wild Oats, but may try this sampler pack. the Buffalo Bleu Cheese actually sound good.

  7. Jeff says:

    Ironic you posted about frivolous lawsuits. I posted just this morning too about a class action suit against 3M for invisible tape of all things. What is the world coming to?

    Well, gotta go – I think I’m going to sue Dell because I worked too many hours on my keyboard last week and now I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

  8. Kevin says:

    I love Kettle Chips. Great stuff. I wouldn’t mind trying that sampler pack. The buffalo wings ones sound great.

    Can we make sure that the example we set with these lawsuit happy bastards is a public spectacle? I think those of us “informed” folk should have first dibs at stoning. Then their iPods will be redistributed to the public appropriately.

  9. Neil says:

    Dave, I did not like today’s post. Talking about herpes made me feel ill. In fact, it gave me a severe headache and emotional trauma. This blog is a threat to public safety. You will be hearing from my attorney later.

  10. girlonaglide says:

    I hope you won’t make fun of me but I have a pending lawsuit against Mead, for their paper, and against Georgia Pacific, for supplying Mead paper pulp. You see, I have suffered numerous painful paper cuts and think someone should compensate me for my pain and suffering. If this suit serves me well, then I just may suit the states where the trees were grown for Georgia Pacific. It’s a worthwhile fight on my part.

  11. Toni says:

    I dunno man, I could use some of that Fartecin myself.

    Wait. Did I just say that out loud?

    As for potato chips, I heart Kettle Chips. I also like the Cape Cod brand. I’d like to participate in their taste testing campaign, but my boyfriend won’t allow junk food in the house. This coming is a guy who accidentally bought 4 cartons of vanilla ice cream to make mudslides for 4 people, and is now “forced” to eat the extra 3 tubs of ice cream.

  12. Fintan Gaughan says:

    Its called Kettle Chips here in the UK.
    I love them but they aren’t cheap compared to ordinary crips

  13. James says:

    You hit both your lowest point and possibly your highest point in the same article, an impressive feat. Herpecin? That is the sickest thing since penis salad. Kettle chips? Yum! *runs to store*

  14. Used Hack says:

    Ever heard of “Anusol?”

    Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  15. Dave2 says:

    Yes, but I’m not embarrassed to have an anus!

  16. Britt says:

    I LOVE IT!!!! Herpecin are you kidding me, I have enough trouble purchasing the necessary products to PREVENT STDS I can’t imagine asking for the treatment. I have an iPod and practice safe listening practices. GREAT BLOG!!!

  17. You f#@%en rock, I just finished ordering these, my husband is a huge potato chip fan, I have been making him eat the baked chips for a while now in an attempt to get healthier..but I love kettle chips because they are lower in fat and have less saturated fat…etc…whatever.

    Anyway, I think that he is just going to FREAK when he sees this package, thanks a ton, his birthday just passed and I slacked off and didnt get him anything..well I GAVE him something but I didnt buy him anything if you get me…*grins*

    You are super duper, thanks for the tip and the laughs!!

    Jam

  18. Pauly D says:

    I just like seeing “Click Here To Continue Reading Herpes” at the bottom of the post. That’s classic.

  19. rach says:

    i was slightly disappointed that “herpes, continued” was not followed by any further herpes-related material, but i’m totally excited at the prospect of kettle chip taste-testing.

    and i can’t believe i just charged potato chips to my credit card.

  20. kazza says:

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chiiiiiiiipies!!!!!
    *gets a craving for potato crisps* 🙂

  21. The Ref, LGC, England says:

    Suing for deafness when listening to music:

    ONLY IN AMERICA 🙂

  22. delmer says:

    Maybe I’ve said this before, and if I have please feel free to start a class-action suit against me.

    But, each time I hear of one of these stupid lawsuits it brings me down a bit. It puts a harsh on my buzz. It depresses me. It affects me in a negative way and makes me enjoy life less.

    I propose a class-action suit against people who bring stupid class-action suits.

    Now, as you know … there are thousands and thousands of these suits out there. We can’t be suing everybody. I’ve put some thought into this and I’ve found that I am most depressed when I find someone has gotten a big bunch of money via a stupid-ass lawsuit. The people that lose bug me a bit, but not as much.

    So. We sue the winners of stupid-ass lawsuits.

    Dave, I think you are closest to California. Maybe you could get the ball rolling.

  23. The Mayor says:

    “Funkycoochiecin”?? That’s too funny!!!

  24. jenny says:

    Okay, not to gross everyone out more, but I think Vagisil is a waaaay grosser product name than Herpecin. I mean, come on! That’s like something called Penicreme. (not that I’ve ever needed any of these above mentioned products… I swear!)

  25. Jack Yan says:

    In Back to the Future Part II, justice in the future was meant to be swift because ‘they abolished all lawyers’. Like flying cars and moon colonies, it is another utopian promise that might not come to pass in the 21st century …

  26. Hmmm… Now I’ve got a craving for chips.

  27. ashley says:

    Haha. I had to buy Herpecin chapstick for a cold sore on my mouth…it was either THAT or 50$ Abreva.

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