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An All-American Booty Call

Posted on Friday, July 4th, 2003

Dave!I've now received my 5th e-mail asking if I've heard about the lawsuit filed a while back against Robert's American Gourmet Foods, who happens to make my absolute most favorite snack food ever, "Pirate's Booty." This comes as a bit of a surprise, because I thought that only two people were reading this blog, let alone caring about my Booty obsession. I can only guess that I'm a Google hit or something for Pirate's Booty searches (well, if there was anything I'd ever want to be noted for, that would be near the top of the list, so it's all good!).

Anyway, you can head over to the "Stupid Lawsuits" section of power-of-attorneys.com and read about it for yourself, but the gist is basically this: Good Housekeeping did some tests and found out that the claimed calorie count of 120 was actually 147, and the 2.5 grams of fat was more like 8.5 grams. A woman read this, and decided she was going to sue for FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS because of "distress over weight gain, mental anguish, outrage, and indignation." Now, Robert's claims that this was a mistake, that they changed their formula and somehow forgot to re-label the packaging, which could very well be true.

But even if Robert's was intentionally skewing the Nutrition Facts (which makes no sense at all)... FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS??? How much Booty was this bitch eating that an additional 6 grams of fat per serving was causing enough weight gain and mental anguish that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS seemed like a fair settlement? Such a stupid-ass lawsuit has caused me at least $100 million dollars in "outrage," so where do I sign up to sue whatever lawyer thought that this was a worthwhile case to eat up taxpayer's dollars?

The lawsuit was filed to "represent consumers who ruined their diets and had to spend more time in the gym because they ate mislabeled Pirate's Booty." Well, you daft bitch, don't do us any favors. Sane people understand that Pirate's Booty is a snack food (but a far more healthful alternative to most of the hydrogenated crap that's out there), not a weight loss tool. If an extra 6 grams of fat is enough to ruin your entire diet and spend extra time in the gym, then you obviously have far more problems that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS could ever solve, and should probably visit a few impoverished areas of the world where they don't have enough food to even keep children from going hungry, let alone worry about their weight.

I find it fascinating that there are people in the world who put so much time, effort, and energy into the destruction of the USA when all they really have to do is sit back, relax, and watch the show... we've got idiotic politicians, daft bitches, and piece-of-shit lawyers working overtime to make sure we destroy ourselves. What an ungrateful, petty, embarrassment of a nation we are that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS is considered acceptable restitution for 6 extra grams of fat on some daft bitch's lazy ass, when we should instead be thankful that we've got food to feed ourselves at all. So happy birthday to the United States, and long live the American Way of greed and frivolous lawsuits!


Categories: DaveLife 2003, Food 2003Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Karl says:

    Yikes, that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. God, people are morons.

  2. watermelon says:

    dear dave,
    i really like your blog. you are so lovely. i live in a very far country. and my english is not very good. so i can’t express all of my feelings. this is the first time i read a blog. but i think your blog is great. i think you are penetrative.

  3. Jojo says:

    i read a ton of your blogs but not this last one, i just wanted to make sure you got this comment. i have spent the last lets sayy….. 3 hours reading your blogs. (yes i dont have much of a life) and each one made me giggle in some way or another. i found your blogs doing research for my art and came across your little man eating raw meat .. the one where u were just talking about that place with the honey butter. but yeh. your really kool and i love the way you talk. ill probably never talk to you but still!! fun fun fun. jojo x

  4. Sue says:

    Your link to the Roberts only sends me to a page with more links and no discernible information about Pirate’s Booty snacks.

  5. muskrat says:

    Chances are it didn’t survive a motion for summary judgment. I could do some online research and find out for sure, but I really should be working on lawsuits and not reading your blog archives.

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