Broadway

Posted on April 6, 2009

Sigh. It's my last day in New York.

Times Square has pretty much become a tourist wasteland, which means you run into all kinds of crazy advertising that's inundating you with a non-stop stream of exaggeration and outright lies... like billboards claiming "Dollhouse is this year's most exciting television show!" and "Sean Hannity on FOX News... You Know He's Right!". But the best hype of all comes from the Broadway critic teaser quotes that are plastered on the outside of the theaters. They're all so ridiculously over the top that one has to question the sanity of it all. There's a lot to choose from, but here's my favorite so far...

Now, when I see a sign advertising something as being "so exciting it makes you ache with pleasure," the last thing I expect to see when I turn around is THIS...

West Side Story?!? Uhhh... seriously? I don't even think anybody gets naked in it!

What kills me is the insane shit that critics will say just to get their stupid crap quoted and their name up in lights.

I'm seriously thinking that I missed my calling, because whoring for critic quote recognition is a job I was MADE for...

 

THIS IS ONE PUSSY THAT'S SO INTENSE... SO DELICIOUS... SO PLEASURABLE...
YOU'LL BE PAYING TO EXPERIENCE ITS THRILLING SENSATIONS AGAIN AND AGAIN!
David Simmer II — Blogography

 

WHEN IT COMES TO ORGASM-INDUCING ACTS, NOTHING CAN COMPETE WITH WATCHING
THIS HOT MAMMA OPEN HER MOUTH AND PERFORM HER MAGIC ON YOU!
David Simmer II — Blogography

 

HERE'S A WILD ANIMAL SO VORACIOUS AND SEXY IT WILL DEVOUR YOUR DESIRE AND LEAVE YOU
BEGGING TO BE RAVAGED SOME MORE! I WAS ROARING WITH GRATIFICATION AND ESTACY!
David Simmer II — Blogography

 

LOOKING FOR A PLEASURE THAT'S DEEPER, WETTER, AND MORE SATISFYING THAN YOU'VE EVER KNOWN?
I HAVE A SWEET PIECE OF TAIL IN MIND YOU'LL BE DYING TO TRY OUT FOR YOURSELF!
David Simmer II — Blogography

   

And on that note, I should probably go to bed and try to get at least a little sleep tonight. These early-morning flights are killing me.

Comments

I know you can't wait for the Spiderman musical coming to Broadway in 2010. Sadly, I'm not joking . . .

Posted by Shannon on April 06, 2009 | Reply

   

I laughed, I cried, I pissed myself. ;)

Have a safe trip home!

Posted by Shash on April 06, 2009 | Reply

   

Remind me to call you when I'm ready for a new tagline...the mind can only imagine!

Posted by Anissa@Hope4Peyton on April 06, 2009 | Reply

   

Um, one for The Lion King, please . . .

Posted by Long Story Longer on April 06, 2009 | Reply

   

You're a very funny man. ;-)

Posted by Whitenoise on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Who knew Broadway would make me all hot and bothered??

Posted by Robin on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

You've found your new calling!

Posted by Avitable on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Hahahaha!
You should DEFINITELY be a critic!!!

Posted by Sybil Law on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Wow, you actually managed to make Cats sound exciting and awesome. They really *should* hire you to do their advertising. :)

Posted by Hilly on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Umm....The Lion King.....Umm.

Posted by A Lewis on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Oh my gosh, this is the funniest blog post I've seen in a long time. ROFL ROFL ROFL! Thanks for making me laugh today, I have a midterm later, and I really needed that momentary break... It was "ESTACY"

Posted by Atomic Bombshell on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

"I HAVE A SWEET PIECE OF TAIL IN MIND...". Thanks very much. Coffee, meet keyboard, via nose.

Posted by Kevin Spencer on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

This is hysterical...and exactly why I hesitate to log onto your blog at work every morning—I never know what I will find there! ;-)

Posted by Robin on April 07, 2009 | Reply

   

Are you in advertising? Because if you are not, you should be.

Sold out shows everywhere.

Posted by martymankins on April 08, 2009 | Reply

   

I sooo wanted to see Mama Mia when it came to Columbus.

Posted by delmer on April 08, 2009 | Reply

   

I'd totally help fund davethecritic.com

Posted by whall on April 08, 2009 | Reply

   

Hahahahahaha! OMG, so funny. So, anyway, hahahahaha!!!

Posted by Faiqa on April 08, 2009 | Reply

   

heehee.

Are they just milking the entire Disney catalogue and turning them into Broadway shows? Little Mermaid? Really?

Posted by suze on April 13, 2009 | Reply

   

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