I could just kiss you.
I had to change hotels.
Between the crazy bastards in neighboring rooms and the cigarette smoke that was pouring in non-stop, I didn't have much choice. I had been awake from 4:00am Pacific time Wednesday to 1:00pm Eastern time Thursday... 29 hours... and simply had to get some sleep. That was never going to happen at my first hotel, so I moved to a different one with a crowd that's a bit more reserved.
For the most part.
There are still people driving into the parking lot at 10:00pm with their country music blasting so loud that the windows are shaking... and a mother standing on the balcony screaming at her kids in the swimming pool... but now it's 11:00pm and everything is blissfully quiet (I can't even hear the forest of cicadas outside!).
But none of that is important right now.
What's important is how hot I don't look in glasses.
For comparison, let's start with a photo of me taken last week while I was iChatting with my friend Meagan as I got ready for work in the morning. You can break it down however you like but, damn, I am totally hot here...
Which is not to say I always look fantastically hot. Unlike Sizzle, I do take bad pictures, and have a tendency to look constipated half the time. Especially when Meagan snaps me in mid-sentence...
But whenever I put on a pair of glasses, my hotness evaporates. After 29 hours in contact lenses, I decided to give my eyes a rest, and was horrified when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...
Not only do I look eerily un-hot, I give off kind of a sexual predator vibe.
At work today, I had to wear protective glasses, and didn't fare any better. I look like a homicidal maniac...
Most people look kind of hot-cool in sunglasses. I don't. I look kind of pervy-scary...
Last night I thought my glasses curse had finally been broken.
I went to the local SUPER WAL-MART to get a replacement charger for my iPhone (mine got busted in my suitcase) and saw a massive display for Hannah Montana school supplies that included a FREE pair of Hannah Montana 3-D glasses for the upcoming broadcast of her "Best of Both Worlds Tour" movie. Thinking I had finally found glasses that wouldn't destroy my hotness, I grabbed a pair...
Not bad. Not bad at all.
And I must say that the world is looking quite a bit better when seen through Hannah Montana glasses.
Which is why I wish I had them when I was on my way back from work today.
I was driving by a pasture where some cows were shading themselves under some trees. Thinking I could use a mental break, I decided to stop for a minute. You have a whole different appreciation for cows when you don't see them as food, and I find them to be gentle, soulful animals that are fun to be around.
But as I walked up to the fence, the cows were indifferent to me. One cow even turned away from me... kind of a bovine snub, if you will. I was okay with it because I was wearing my pervy-scary sunglasses and could hardly blame the cow for not wanting to look at me, but it didn't end there.
That's when the cow lifted its tail and proceeded to dump ten gallons of urine in my direction.
What a bitch!
I didn't get peed on, but it sure put a damper on my wanting to commune with nature today.
It also made me hungry for a steak for some reason.
Tomorrow I get to head back to the big city of Atlanta where, hopefully, I'll have better email access so I can get caught up on work back home. My new hotel doesn't allow you to send email (some kind of anti-spammer effort?) and webmail seems to be broken.
Unfortunately, my Hannah Montana glasses have been no help at all.
But I am looking 3-D hot, and that's something.
Nice try. Although I happen to love the Artificial Duck baseball hat, I also think that you look just fine in glasses, but that combining it with a cap dorks it up about ten notches!
Posted by Atomic Bombshell on July 17, 2008 | Reply
Maybe you just need some square-ish frames instead of the oval-ish ones.
Posted by Jeff on July 17, 2008 | Reply
"And I must say that the world is looking quite a bit better when seen through Hannah Montana glasses."
Quote of the day.
Posted by Kevin Spencer on July 17, 2008 | Reply
Beards and Glasses don't mix. It's just asking for trouble...
Posted by Dash on July 17, 2008 | Reply
Actually the sunglasses look is quite good for you. If you dressed up in a suit as well I'd assume you were from the matrix.
Posted by Freelance Guru on July 17, 2008 | Reply
You're being a bit hard on yourself. You do have specs-appeal.
However, the bombshell is correct. Specs and that hat do not mix.
Do they make Hello Kitty glasses? I think the world would look even better through those than the Hanna Montana ones.
Posted by carlos.m.hernandez on July 18, 2008 | Reply
Howard... Wait a second... aren't you moving in with Cameron pretty soon?? Is he okay with you kissing random internet dorks you meet online??
Iron Fist... I know! Lesson learned!
Bombshell... Meagan says I have that "useless dork look" to me... I think that pretty much sums it up!
Jeff... Given the square-ish nature of the Hannah Montana frames, you might be right!
Kevin Spencer... Quote of the millennia, I dare say! Though the Hannah Montana fad is going to fade any day now, so maybe that's pushing it a bit far.
Sarah... Yes, entertaining in a pervy-scary way! :-)
Dash... But, oddly enough, Ryan Reynolds can pull it off in his "Chaos Theory" movie. That guy can pull off anything, the bastard!
Guru... Have you been taking The Red Pills again? :-D
Adena... And looking like a freak in glasses is a good thing?!?
Kazza... That's just because I'm in Georgia, and the air conditioner in my hotel room can't keep up with the 110-degree temperatures outside!
Carlos... I don't know that I'm macho enough to pull off wearing Hello Kitty glasses. Barbie glasses, maybe... but Hello Kitty?
Oh please. You look hot in all of your glasses. Except for the Hannah Montana glasses - those are the scariest damn things I've seen in a long time. You look like an alien who materialized naked on Earth and had to raid the Artificial Duck store to find clothes. It's probably to do with the fact that they aren't meant for someone with your sized head so the eyeholes don't totally match up with your eyes.
Still - that last picture gives me the heebie-jeebies just looking at it. All you need to do is be screaming "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIINS!" to make the creepiness complete.
Stick to the other glasses, babe.
Posted by Caffeinated Librarian on July 18, 2008 | Reply
Why is no one mentioning that you posted two pictures off DAVE WITHOUT A SHIRT!
No shirt aside, I think you look fine in glasses. You should go get some totally nerdy/trendy glasses (check out Kirk Orgiginals) and just go with the dweebyness. That's what I finally did. when you are as blind as we are, why try to pretend like we don't wear glasses? Embrace the geek!
The Hannah Montana's ARE a bit scary....
No glasses - hawt!
Glasses and hat - Yeah, you're ready for a sci-fi/computer convention. Total geek.
And having to change hotels because of the lack of sleep and cigarette smoke? Sorry 'bout that. Major suckage.
Posted by Coal Miner's Granddaughter on July 18, 2008 | Reply
I'd pay cash money to see Howald kiss you. And Jeff's right - smaller, more squar-ish frames would suit you better. Or even totally round glasses. The mongo ovals just don't do it for your face shape.
Ur still hawt tho. *snerk*
I'm glad you got to move hotels. That smoke thing would've killed me (literally).
how about showing us dave in a goatee, then dave with a mustache...
Posted by hello haha narf on July 18, 2008 | Reply
Heeeeyyyy, where'd my comment on your hawtness go?
Posted by Kris/ChickaNuts on July 18, 2008 | Reply
Librarian... Well, heaven only knows I love me some fresh brains, so you might be right!
Jenny... Now THERE'S a solution I can work with!
Alexander... I refuse to accept that my Hannah Montana glasses are not entirely sexy-hot! I can only guess that you are not a fan of Hannah Montana, and are saying this just to disrespect her greatness!
Karla... You only say that because you've found the perfect frames and look completely hot in glasses! :-D
Pattie... Well, I am crazy, that much I will admit... CRAZY HOT IN HANNAH MONTANA 3-D GLASSES!!
Jeff... Meagan is a long-time friend who is responsible for all the little "Dave" photos that precede each of my entries. Taking embarrassing photos of people is what she does!
Granddaughter... Maybe I should just take up smoking? THAT WAY I COULD BE SMOKING HOT IN MY HANNAH MONTANA 3-D GLASSES!
Avitable... Depends on which way you put them on. One way, they make it look bigger... the other way they shrink it to the size of a pencil eraser...
Claire... Alas, I need the darkest lenses possible because my eyes are highly sensitive to sunlight. So I guess I'm stuck looking like a perv. Or a vampire. Or a vampire perv.
Kris... Hey, for enough money, even I would pay to see Howard kiss me! I'm a real whore for cash like that... but daddy's got bills to pay!
Tug... I don't know that I could pull-off the Elton John look. Though I do think Hello Kitty sunglasses might be an option for me...
Hello... I actually did that once...
(the story about it is here)
Kris... All comments are held for approval, and I don't always get around to approving them right away. Sorry about that. :-(
Dude, if I was a chick, I'd be totally over-powered by your hotness.
Posted by Whitenoise on July 19, 2008 | Reply
On the way to work the bus has to travel past fields of cows and sheep and i got to thinking that cows are actually kinda cute. They look so laid back, but then, i've never seen the look of terror on a cows' face as it is faced with death, all to make said tasty steak. Kinda puts you off a little!
With glasses it is all about the frames. Some glasses I look okay in, others I just look dumb. In fact the right frames are so hard to find that if my prescription changes I have them use the old frames if possible.
You look good in the sunglasses, oh yeah and I think the point about the hat+glasses=dorky is right on.
Posted by Kailey on July 19, 2008 | Reply
The sunglasses look best, although a close 2nd is those 3-D glasses.
I wear a goatee once a week before I have to shave it off.
My ringtone for your number on my phone is HOLE Celebrity Skin. How about that?
Posted by ChillyWilly on July 20, 2008 | Reply
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