Dave,
Greatest idea that I have seen in along time. Will DaveGaurd be avail on the iphone as well? If so, I have about 11 cents available on my visa to help out.
Jake
Posted by jake titus on June 12, 2008 | Reply
While watching Steve Jobs give his keynote at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference a few days back, I had a Twitter search running to see people's reactions to what was going on. It was at that time a dumbass twittered something so profoundly stupid that I was compelled to click through and see if he was just trying to be funny... or if he really was that idiotic.
Not shockingly, he really was a complete and total dumbass.
Not that I'm for censorship or anything, but shouldn't there be some kind of way to shield yourself from dumbasses on the internet? Because nothing ruins your day faster than being caught unaware by fucking idiots. And what a waste of time!
With this in mind, I am seeking venture capital for a proposed new application and service called DaveGuard™...
The way it would work is like this: After installation, you'd be presented DaveGuard™ options under your internet protection settings...
If you choose to be warned when dumbasses are detected, you'll be presented with a warning dialog that's integrated into your various internet services. This way, you can choose whether or not you want to waste your time on a dumbass before you accidentally start reading their bullshit...
If you select automatic blocking, you won't even see dumbass content on your internet services... like Twitter, for example...
Eventually I would want to create additional protections that could be activated. Like LOLCat warnings...
As you can see, DaveGuard™ would be an invaluable service. Because, seriously, ask yourself how much time you waste every day with dumbasses on the internet. One hour? Two hours? FIVE HOURS?!? Wouldn't your life be infinitely better if you could avoid the dumbasses altogether? Just imagine how awesome this New World Internet would be! Stupid bitches? BLOCKED! Raging morons? GONE! Idiotic bastards? ELIMINATED! Sound too good to be true? It is too good to be true! It's
My DaveGuard™ Dumbass Detection Algorithm™ concept is revolutionary. All I need is 6.8 billion dollars to develop it! That may sound like a lot of money, but think of the results! PRICELESS!!
So if you have 6.8 billion dollars hanging around (that's 2.4 million in euros), I can accept Visa, MasterCard, PayPal, or personal check... contact me today!
Dave,
Greatest idea that I have seen in along time. Will DaveGaurd be avail on the iphone as well? If so, I have about 11 cents available on my visa to help out.
Jake
Posted by jake titus on June 12, 2008 | Reply
Jake... YES! Even your iPhone will have DaveGuard™ protection! I would also be porting it to Windows, but I'm a little worried that it might cancel out the entire operating system.
SJ... I caught that after I uploaded the graphics, and fixed the spelling before I posted my entry... how are you seeing it? In my browser, it appears correctly!
Venture capital - schmenture capital. Dave for Obama's VP. A chicken in every pot & Daveguard for every American!
Posted by ETinNY on June 12, 2008 | Reply
SOLD!
When you market DAVEGUARD - I will but a copy - I don't even need to know the price.
Posted by Jacki on June 12, 2008 | Reply
Something that shields me from right wing wacko O'Reilly and Coulter types would be most welcome sir.
And you know what, it's totally your lucky day because I happen to have a spare 6.8 billion dollars that I trip over every flippin' morning. I'll have my people call your people.
Posted by Kevin Spencer on June 12, 2008 | Reply
The only problem I can see with that is that I might go a little crazy pressing the "Abort" button in hopes that it might actually abort Ann Coulter. Hey, if you're going to spend that kind of money on an application do you think you could build that feature into the Platinum version? There are plenty of dumbasses out there in need of being aborted.
There's already an add-on for Firefox which warns you that you're on MySpace and lets you go back to where you came from.
I really need to know what he said.
BTW, will your blocker work on feed readers like Google Reader? I don't want to unsubscribe when stupid content is in there, I just don't want to have to see it. And if you can make it work so that all the warning messages don't load all at once, but appear only as you scroll through your reads, that would be great.
Hi. This is Wayne's computer. He doesn't know about this post because he installed DaveGuard last night, and since your post contained a reference to LOLcats, he won't see it. I sense a comment about irony coming.
By the way, if you see Wayne, can you tell him I miss him? He used to spend a lot of time with me but now he's found other priorities. Also, he uses that blackberry thing to read blogs A LOT and I don't want to be rude, but I sure would like to bash that thing into a million little pieces with a sledgehammer and then grind it up in the Will It Blend machine and then pack up all the ash into a cigarette and smoke it, and then exhale into a smoke collector that takes the fine dust and make some brownies with the dust and then eat the brownies and then poop it out and then form a football out of the poop and then throw the poop football into the ocean.
You're looking at it all wrong. Dumbasses on the internet are for our entertainment. They aren't controlling dangerous machinery, all they're doing is spouting off at the mouth. It's funny, especially since they don't realize what a dumbass they really are.
So next time laugh at them, feel superior to them, but don't let them aggravate you. They can't help what they are. Plus it is much more fun to be entertained by them. Hell you can even make it more fun by messing with them.
Posted by Michelle on June 13, 2008 | Reply
I know I'd want a copy, but I'm concerned the internet bliss that would ensue might make me homicidal when I encountered dumbasses in real life. I'll risk it.
Besides if dumbassicide were a side effect of DaveGuard, that would go a long way to solving the problem... You wouldn't mind if your product became obsolete, would you?
I find your idea intriguing.
Am I to assume that there is no cross-platform application in the works? Nothing for Windows, or no posting of code for use with Red Hat, et. al.?
Posted by Fella on June 13, 2008 | Reply
LIARHEAD. Everyone knows you don't accept PayPal, Dave.
Posted by Tracy Lynn on June 13, 2008 | Reply
I'm mailing you a blank check. Do with it as you wish.
Posted by You can call me, 'Sir' on June 13, 2008 | Reply
if only i wasn't short oh 2.4 million euros i would so help you out now i work at apple can dave guard block stupid people calling in?
Posted by nicole on June 13, 2008 | Reply
oh sure! NOW you take paypal
ROLF
also, will there be options to customize , because I love me some LOLcats!
Posted by bluepaintred on June 13, 2008 | Reply
O'Reilly and Coulter blocking at any price is worth it.
Awesome post. And I love the zoom-in graphics, not to mention all of the other details. Obviously, this needs to be a product. When can I download it from Artificial Duck?
Just make sure it work for both Safari and Firefox.
Posted by ChillyWilly on June 13, 2008 | Reply
Hey, that's a great idea! And you can also come up with a DaveGuard for your vehicle! Just think, all those morons on the road? DaveGuard sends out a signal that somehow makes all those vehicles swerve [safely] to the side of the road and shut down until you're long gone! =D
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