Yeah, I can see that tearing when you wipe. Not that I wanted to see that.
Today at lunch I had to run home to grab a portable hard drive I had forgotten and noticed that a bird had crapped on the hood of my car. The violation of my automobile didn't bother me too much because my car is filthy and, well, birds have to poop. What did bother me is that the bird dropped his load off-center. That's just sloppy crapping, and if a bird is going to shit on my car, I'd prefer that they take the time to at least make it look like they meant it...
But the biggest offense was yet to come...
While at home it became necessary to open a new package of flushable wipes. I've been using Kleenex Cottonelle Wipes for ages, but recently switched to Charmin Freshmates because they advertised a "DiamondWeave" construction. I didn't know what that meant, but it sure sounded great. I always put wipes in the care packages I send to the troops, and "Diamond Weave" sounds worthy of wiping the assorted body parts of even our toughest servicemen and servicewomen. Besides, as I've written before, I'm a big fan of Charmin toilet paper, and what's good enough to send to our troops is certainly good enough for me...
But then I opened the package.
What the f#@%?!? THIS is "DiamondWeave" construction???
LAME!
All they did was stamp little holes in a diamond-shaped pattern on the wipe! That ain't no weave mutha f#@%er!! How in the hell does this not-so-woven "Diamond Weave" make any difference in the product's wiping ability? I'm no scientist, but I'd think this would actually make a single-ply product weaker in a vigorous wiping session than a non-punctured wipe.
That will teach me to purchase something based on unsubstantiated, nonsensical marketing jargon!
I wish I could be embarrassed at being such a consumer whore.
Diamond weave? Aren't diamonds hard and jagged? He'll, why not wipe the ole' arse with rose thorn wipes or the new and improved broken glass pattern? It sounds to me like they gave you pleanty of warning. Happy crapping!!!
Posted by jake titus on March 18, 2008 | Reply
Oh, honey. That asymmetrical shitting? I'm with you on that. That would have pissed me off, too.
Posted by Coal Miner's Granddaughter on March 18, 2008 | Reply
Um... I would have moved that bird shit over a few inches. Off center is not something I can let slide.
Posted by Kyra Sutra on March 18, 2008 | Reply
I don't like the Charmin wipes at all. They're thinner than Cottonelle and the smell of them is terrible!
Posted by Geeky Tai-Tai on March 19, 2008 | Reply
In one of my more recent relationships (which means three years ago), I took away only one thing. This is all I learned in the relationship.
If you buy Scott toilet paper, it's like, three times as big as a regular roll, and literally has three times the sheets. You aren't going to get that nice, warm and fuzzy from the quilting that is so obviously bullshit, but I highly recommend it.
Being a girl, I go through toilet paper like nobody's business. So, of course, Scott's it is for me. But guys don't use toilet paper as much, so maybe the cost ends up being about the same.
And remember; a bunch of cartoon ladies quilted that by hand for you. So don't be bitching too much. They probably make slave wages.
Posted by The Absurdist on March 19, 2008 | Reply
My mental picture is of Lil' Dave wiping Bad Monkey's ass with a torn diamond weave wipe. Thanks Dave!
Posted by Mrs. K on March 19, 2008 | Reply
None of that stuff is woven; it is hydroentangled. They use jets of water to sort of felt the polypropylene and cellulose together.
I think the off center is artistic. It looks like it follows the golden proportion, which makes a pleasing composition. But if you don't like it maybe the diamond weave pattern will work well in removing it.
I've never understood how one could "quilt" or "weave" toilet paper products anyway. I mean, what kind of needles do you use for that sort of thing?
Posted by diane on March 19, 2008 | Reply
When I heard diamond, I thought they meant studded. What a disappointment!
Posted by CuriosityKiller on March 19, 2008 | Reply
Do all you men use those adult baby wipes for your ass? I thought it was just Doug. He's a Cottonelle proponent. I can't stand to wipe with those things. They're COLD! I wonder if you could put them in one of those baby wipe warmers...hmm...maybe then they'd be bearable to use.
And I wouldn't dare use those with the near hole already poked in them. ACK! Too close to a breach.
Posted by Kentucky Girl on March 19, 2008 | Reply
I'm a Cottonelle person here, but if I have a coupon, I get the Charmain brand of wipes. The diamond pattern doesn't seem to make a difference, so long as I feel clean after use.
This must be wipe discussion week... Howard Stern was just discussing his "baby wipe" situation on Tuesday's show.
Posted by ChillyWilly on March 19, 2008 | Reply
Use the diamond weave to wipe the birdcrap off your car. If you leave it on too long, it ruins the paint. Trust me on this.
Posted by Whitenoise on March 19, 2008 | Reply
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