Yet another beautiful day in the Mediterranean, with crisp blue skies and entirely too much sunshine.
It was, of course, too good to last... because I had an organized tour awaiting me! As always, there were the minimum two idiots in the group, ruining things for everybody else. First up there was a rude, disgusting, pig who completely ignored the tour guide so he could listen to his iPod while reading a book and loudly smacking his gum like some kind of spastic turd. Along with him was a woman that I nicknamed Skanky McCrotchspreader, because she liked throwing her legs up on the bus exit banister. This not only meant that I had to see her feet every time I looked out the window, but I also had to be exposed to her toxic cootchie every time I exited the bus. They were made for each other.
But at least Gum-Smacking Pig was never more than five minutes late to the bus, which was nice.
The main focus of the tour was the ruined city of Knossos. It was okay, I guess, but I didn't like how they "improved" it by adding modern structures like sun louvers to the site, and "fixing" some of the ruins with plaster and paint. Why they couldn't have just left it in its natural state is beyond me. Still, if you like seeing a bunch of busted-ass buildings and stuff, this is the place...
My favorite feature was this pregnant cat that was wandering around like she owned the place. I'd like to think that she did...
As we left Knossos to visit a manufactured tourist trap in the form of a Cretan village, Gum-Smacking Pig decided to move on from smacking gum and instead decided to crinkle a Coke can. All the way we had to listen to him popping in the sides of the can... pop pop... pop pop... pop pop... I would have liked to kick the fucking can up his stupid ass, but my shoes are still new.
The fake Cretan village was kind of charming, if you're into that kind of thing. I was a bit bored, but the weather was really great for photos. The sky was so blue that it was almost painful to look at it...
I wish that we had a bit more time to explore the Cretan countryside, as it looks quite rustic and beautiful. Even with Skanky McCrotchspreader's legs in the way...
Now that the tour is over, there is a surprising five hours left before the ship leaves port. It almost seems a shame that I don't take a bus back into Iraklion to see a bit more of Crete, but I'd rather write in my blog then take a nap before dinner.
Isn't that what vacations are for?
I love that Skanky McCrotchspreader is wearing an ankle bracelet... in Turkey (not too far away), they are traditionally worn by prostitutes! Its not the case anymore, but when I was a young girl my Mum still didn't like me wearing one, you know, just in case I turned into a ho. The Kitty is very gorgeous, and looks like she is enjoying the good weather.
Posted by serap on May 14, 2007 | Reply
Yep...vacations are whatever you want them to be! The fresh air and beautiful scenery is making you more amusing than usual, which is like thiiiiiiis many ;).
Skanky McCrotcherson - classic. I am glad she did not mess up all of the pictures because they are freaking beautiful!
Serap... The cat was pretty special. She was laying down on a bench when some guy tried to shoo her away so he could sit there. She just laid there staring at him. She was, after all, there first!
Karl... Uh, no. Desperate I may be, but I do have some standards... no matter how small. :-P
Dan... Skanky McCrotchspreader is married to Gum-Smacking Pig... I don't think I want a piece of anything that's been tapped by that disgusting can-popping dumbass!
Avitable... Sadly, I just look like a scary child molester when I try that, which doesn't seem to have the same effect.
RW... Unfortunately, all the eating and sleeping I'm doing is having a detrimental effect on me... I think I've gained at least six pounds of unhealthy weight so far...
Hilly... Yes, well, there are some things even a Skanky McCrotchspreader can't screw up... the beautiful Cretan scenerey is, fortunately, one of them! :-)
Andre... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit there... :-)
Jeff... Yes, well, Britney, Lindsay or Paris she most certainly was NOT! :-D
This post seemed so much crankier than your previous ones. Skimming Bullet Sunday's post I spotted the reason: Dave, it's time to admit that you're going through ice cream withdrawls. I can only imagine that you've cut back to something like 4 cones a day since now there is someone keeping track of your consumption. Admit it, I'm right, you like getting hopped up on the soft stuff.
How nice that you're having quality time with Skanky and G.S. Pig, your new best friends. Maybe no tours next time, mmmmkay?
Those colors in the photos are so vivid! Gawd, it looks so beautiful!! Well, all but Skanky's legs and feet. I'll be looking for the travelogue and slide-show when you return.
I would have liked to kick the fucking can up his stupid ass, but my shoes are still new.
This is why it's absolutely essential that every traveler's kit should always include emergency ass-kicking shoes. It sounds like you've been ready to use them at least a dozen times already this trip, and may have to dish out that special Dave-style ass-kicking at least a dozen more before it's all over.
I want that kitty. She's adorable!
Oh, and the ruins are nice too!
Posted by Shannon on May 14, 2007 | Reply
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