Last night was worse than most in that I didn't get ANY sleep. I had taken a quick 45-minute nap before The Daily Show & Colbert Report, and that was enough to totally f#@% up my sleep schedule. Since my poop schedule had already been messed up by my flaming diarrhea farts from two days ago, I can only assume that all my bodily functions are now attempting to sync-up again... badly.
After having "woken up" (ha ha ha) I had a raging headache and decided to take an aspirin. I stumbled to the kitchen medicine cupboard and downed a couple Excedrin, then went to the bathroom so I could put in my contact lenses. Once I could see again, I went back to the kitchen and noticed something very, very wrong. The Excedrin bottle I had left on the counter was not actually Excedrin... it was Excedrin PM, which is a combination pain reliever/sleeping pill.
Great. So now, on top of being exhausted from lack of sleep, I had just taken some sleeping pills...
Red pill? Blue pill? Whatever. Am I in the f#@%ing Matrix or something? Holy shit, Morpheus... I just took the blue pill! Now I won't get to have sex with Trinity in the sequel!
The day was getting off to a really interesting start.
On the way to work I had a panic attack thinking that I would fall asleep at my desk, so I decided to stop at the mini-mart and buy a 4-Pack of Red Bull. Perhaps drinking a bunch of energy drinks would counteract the sleeping pills? It was worth a shot. As I was paying for my Red Bull, I was exactly $2 over the total, so I decided to do something I never do... buy a Lotto ticket.
It may be the combination of the Excedrin PM and Red Bull talking, but I am feeling very, very lucky.
I have decided to win the Lotto.
I'M GOING TO WIN THE F#@%ING LOTTO!!
Maybe if I win the 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS, I won't have to worry about my poop and sleep schedule being all f#@%ed up. With 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS, I can poop and sleep whenever I want! And I certainly won't have to worry about people making fun of my new Sanjaya haircut...
Bleh. My head is feeling all mooshy. I wonder if it was a lethal combination of Excedrin PM and Red Bull that killed Anna Nicole Smith? I had better take some Pepto Bismol so I can get this all sorted out.
Because is there anything that Pepto Bismol can't fix?
I don't mean to burst the bubble about 2.7 million or anything, but after taxes that and a lime cola will get you through to about 2017 if you're frugal.
Excedrin PM, Red Bull, Pepto-Bismol, and a Sanjaya haircut are almost certainly a lethal combination in cartoon guys. I'd be careful if I were Little Dave...
You make me laugh... I can't stop saying that !
I thought about Matrix too, when I saw the red pill and blue pill (but I thought about Keenu !!! :-D)
I never buy a ticket of Lotto... It is a shame, because sometimes I dream that I win !!! ;-)
P.S. Good luck for Lotto ! ;-)
P.P.S. I hope you feel better !
A laughing out loud post today... I hope it's not all true! You need a real vacation. One with a massage therapist.
Posted by Annette on March 29, 2007 | Reply
Dye that hair white and Lil' Dave is sure to win the Captain Cauliflower contest in the Margaretville Cauliflower Festival.
Posted by Kapha on March 29, 2007 | Reply
RW... Lil' Dave is rendered invulnerable thanks to the magic of Pepto Bismol!
Nez... Who is this Ben person, and why does rubbing him on something help? Does he have magical healing powers?
Foo... Um. Do I even want to know how one would get an abscess on their ass? That does not sound healthy (or comfortable!).
Frances... But blue pill makes me happy sleepy at night!
Laurence... But see, I am not dreaming I am going to win. I WILL WIN THE LOTTO! I WILL! I WILL! I WILL! :-D
Annette... Not all true? Yeah, I'm afraid that it is all true. How could I make something like this up? If I were going to invent something, I'd sure hope it would be more interesting than this!
Avitable... One day the Surgeon General is going to broadcast a press conference live on television and reveal that Pepto Bismol does indeed cure everything. Cancer? Pepto. AIDS? Pepto. Vaginal warts? Pepto. It's nature's magical remedy in a convenient pink liquid!
Kyra... I'm so wired on Red Bull right now that my only worry is that my post-energy drink crash will come along at totally the wrong momen... ...
Jeff... Because having people I don't like sucking on me anywhere does not sound like a good thing.
Jeff... Okay, almost anywhere.
Diane... But Pepto does have a nasty side-effect... it turns your poo black! Black poo! That could lead to embarrassment under the wrong circumstances. :-)
Hilly... I do wear glasses when I am not wearing contacts, but I dropped them behind my night stand a few days ago and haven't had the ambition to go hunting for them back there yet. :-(
Kapha... GAH! I HATE CAULIFLOWER! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IIIIIIITTTT!
Shari... For sure... why should I have all the fun?
Karl... I'm moving to Antarctica. Something tells me you won't want the pool house there...
Bec... Well SOMETHING is wrong, because you've got commas used for periods and d's substituted for s's and stuff! And may I just say that when you put 'eruptions' in single quotes like that, it looks totally naughty? :-)
i don't think pepto can cure adult acne. but luckily that isn't one of your current ailments!
Posted by ms. sizzle on March 29, 2007 | Reply
I'm pretty sure Pepto cleans rust scum from shower tiles...
Posted by Eileen Dover on March 29, 2007 | Reply
Especially when you are not feeling well, I'm sure you aren't meaning to be AT ALL funny...but you absolutely crack me up anyway...
Peptobiz has been around sooo long...I haven't taken it for years (I'm a Mylanta kinda guy), but totally can remember it's taste from, well, many, many moons ago (calendar moons, that is...).
Get well soon.
Posted by Randy on March 29, 2007 | Reply
If you win lotto can you please build that Daveworld theme park of yours?
Posted by Jacki on March 29, 2007 | Reply
Just think Dave... a whole FESTIVAL devoted to Cauliflower!!
Now we know precisely where to take you after we kidnap you demanding a share of your lotto winnings.
Muhahahahahaaa...
Posted by Kapha on March 29, 2007 | Reply
*********Am I in the f#@%ing********
One thing I don't get is why bloggers do the fill in the blank for the bad words. Please splain yourself, Lucy. Do bloggers not know that we're reading it at home and saying the 'bad' word out loud?
It just seems kind of pussy-like, just say the word and get on with it. Although I'm in show biz so we really don't pander. Do we? Maybe? Once in a while, okay maybe in front of the parents. But generally, no. We have balls. Big giant plastic ones.
I have no problem using the word "fuck" when required. That being said, I feel the need to distinguish when I am playing around ("my f#@%ing poop schedule is f#@%ed up!") and when I'm very serious ("I fucking hate Jared the fucking Subway sandwich whore.").
That being said, it's my fucking blog and I'll fucking blank out the fucking bad words whenever the fuck I fucking feel like it. So call me a pussy if you wish, because MY balls aren't made of plastic. We're talking 100% industrial steel... and they're the size of basketballs, baby!
:-)
Ms. Sizzle... You just wait... one day a dermatologist is going to make a Very Special Announcement...
Eileen... See? There truly IS nothing Pepto can't do!
Randy... Not long ago I ran across a pink candy that tasted just like Pepto Bismol. I'm still dying to know how somebody thought that was a good idea.
Jacki... In order to make DaveLand as cool in real life as it is on paper, I'd think that I would need a lot more than that... perhaps 2.7 TRILLION DOLLARS! :-)
Dan... Well, I hope you aren't disappointed then! :-)
Chag... Maybe. Though I think the odds of HRC Corporate letting me build one in Wenatchee, WA are rather remote!
Belinda... Or dye it all pink...
Kusems... Ooog... well, guess you'll have to post the real thing?
Kapha... Just don't make me eat any of the stuff! Blargh.
Re. Suzy's question about curse words, I suspect there are lots of reasons people do symbol thing.
Some people do it because there are no TV/Movie-esque rating systems for blogs, no way to keep the little kiddies off. And they figure most adults can intuit what they're saying where hopefully kids can't (HA!).
Some people are parents and spend so much time editing what curse words they say in RL that it carries over online.
Others don't bother with the first or last letter because they really aren't thinking anything articulate and are doing the cursing version of a "Barbaric Yawp;" thus: !@*$#$@(&^*^&%$@$#@%!
Then others of us (like yours truly) eschew such guttural utterances. Rather than taking refuge in four letter words that any moron with a BS degree can spell, we prefer refined, dignified words. Words that lift up the English language, make it shine as the true bastion of culture and intelligence that it is.
Words like "daggnabbit" and "Rassin-frassin'."
Think, just THINK Suzy, what Shakespeare could have done with such words. The prospect makes you a little teary-eyed, doesn't it?
Posted by Caffeinated Librarian on March 30, 2007 | Reply
Dave, Dave. You really need to consult a professional before making these substance decisions, and by professional, I mean professional drunk. Or junkie, either way.
Here's hoping you didn't drive. Goober.
Posted by Tracy Lynn on March 30, 2007 | Reply
Dear caffeinated librarian. I grew up with a father who refused to tell you what any word meant. His stock answer was "look it up." And I did and have a vocabulary and still prefer the word fuck to words like "drat" and anyothersillynamespeopleusetoavoidswearing.
I was a kid once. I knew every swear word by the time I was 11. It's called School. It's called Your Friends. It's called Our Parents Are Gay.
Wow, it's weird. As I was writing my post this morning about my friend KP wanting to win the lottery to hire monkey ninja assassins, I thought, "You know, I could imagine Dave doing that . . . and creating a kick ass cartoon to illustrate it." Now I realize that I must have been picking up some telepathic vibes or something.
I was a child once too, sweetie, and I learned those words early too. That’s why I followed that first statement with a laugh because I know good and well that kids will find out curse words one way or another. But guess what, not every childhood is like your childhood. Or like mine for that matter.
Besides, that was not my main point...my point was that it takes no more courage to type the work fuck than it does intelligence to type the word daggnabbit. Courage and intelligence have to do with the meaning behind the words, honey, and you can choose all kinds of words to say the same thing. You need the word fuck to express yours, fair enough. Not everyone does - don't you think the people who don't need to curse while writing their blogs deserve the same respect you do? Last I heard, life was not a competition to see who can say the most four letter words first.
Posted by Caffeinated Librarian on March 30, 2007 | Reply
Oh, and by the way, I use the words daggnabbit and rassin-frassin because I like the way it feels to say them. They make me smile, and when I'm pissed that's usually what I'm most in the need of, an excuse to smile.
Come on Suzy, say daggnabbit a few times, see if it doesn't make you smile. Cooooome on, you know you want to...
Posted by Caffeinated Librarian on March 30, 2007 | Reply
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