You know which product I'D be all over to endorse!! :)
Being sick has given me an overwhelming desire to help others. At first I thought about starting up a medical practice, but I'm too afraid of blood to be a doctor (and, apparently, you need some kind of license to practice medicine). So then I thought about becoming a mental health consultant... that stupid bitch Dr. Laura doesn't have a doctorate in psychology or psychiatry or anything, and she gets away with it just fine. But then you have to listen to people bitch about their problems and who wants to do that?
So I've decided to create my own line of personal care products, but hesitate to do so without getting endorsements from big-name celebrities. In order to entice these famous people to do my bidding, I've decided to create prototype products so that they can see the quality packaging their image will proudly endorse. Here are just a few samples...
Mark Foley says "stay fresh with the biggest douchebag of them all!"
When you think of an itchy, burning crotch... think David Caruso!
Fight fire with fire... when there's a pain in your ass, reach for Ann Coulter!
I'm still trying to decide if Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore should endorse my "Davepound W" wart remover or my "Davmodium" treatment for diarrhea plus gas. Hmmmm... when you think of Jared, do you think of warts... or diarrhea & gas? These executive decisions are totally harsh...
Um, excuse me? Where's the butter topping? I don't see any of them featuring a butter flavor, buttery crust or flask 'o butter-ama.
And I like Ann Coulter.
Posted by Wayne Hall on October 05, 2006 | Reply
Dave, do you smell ? Do you smell what I smell ?
Oh, there is like an odor... of lawsuit !!!
PS. Very good "Davactin" !!! :-D
Posted by Laurence on October 06, 2006 | Reply
Mooselet... But of course! Though I'd be careful, because flushing Ann Coulter's down your toilet may cause it to get plugged up. They look thin, but are actually quite thick and bloated.
Wayne... If you buy her books, I'm sure Ann likes you to. And Davengill Douches come in a vinegar and butter variety, which is excellent as a salad dressing, so I've got you covered.
Göran... Any sorrow I feel is offset by the fact that Foley will be judged by legislation he helped to enact. This doesn't make me sorry for him... it makes me want to congratulate him! I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.
Erin... Yes, but fear is how people like Ann Coulter operate. That's why I like her to endorse my products... she'll scare you into buying them!
Karla... I still think that Ann should publish quotes from her books on toilet paper so we can wipe our asses with them. Though I worry about my delicate bum, given how hard and abrasive she is.
Laurence... Hey, it's my name on every box... I should sue me!
Jared would go well with gas. when I think of warts, I think of Paris Hilton. GENITAL warts, that is.
Posted by Dawn (webmiztris) on October 06, 2006 | Reply
I vote gas for Jared.
And I will pay you handsomely to mock up Paris Hilton presents Davenema: For when you are full of, um, crap.
Posted by francesdanger on October 06, 2006 | Reply
Diarrhea and gas, totally. I do love the tie-ins so far and would buy each and every one. Erm... not that I need any of them or anything.
I used to call a college buddy of mine "Tough Actin' Jonacton" because, well, his name was Jon Acton. So it was funny to see that Davactin there.
Avitable... Jared gives me loose bowels, so perhaps a laxative?
Dawn... Or Herpidave, the Herpes cream?
Frances... Daveet enemas? Excellent!
Jeff... Actually, these graphics are painfully easy to do if you play around with the Adobe Illustrator 3D filter. :-)
Amanda... That's kind of ironic because, now that I think about it, I don't want Ann Coulter anywhere near my ass!
Kapgar... I think Jon and I will both be getting cease and desist letters from Tinactin any minute now...
Ms. Sizzle... That seems to be the consensus here. I don't know why more companies do market research via blog!
Göran... Yeah, I know... but you're a far kinder person than I am! If nothing else, hypocrisy is great fun when you don't have anything better to blog about! :-)
JTM... You like to start you day with douches, jock itch, hemorrhoids, and gas?? What must the REST of your day be like? :-)
Diane... Dang! Now I'm going to have to cut Avitable in for a slice of the profits on that one! :-)
Maybe you can see if Lindsey Lohan will sponsor your "Vagisil" knock off.
When you think "fire crotch" - think Lindsey Lohan.
Posted by Miss Britt on October 06, 2006 | Reply
I have never laughed so hard in my life. You always manage to make me spew gross liquids out of my nose. It's not a pretty sight.
Posted by Javajabber on October 06, 2006 | Reply
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