Button

This morning as I was leaving my apartment, I heard what sounded like a hairdryer running. Outside.

Since I live in an apartment complex with some wacky elderly people, I wasn't surprised when I saw that it was, in fact, actually a hairdryer. A woman had run an extension cord out of her apartment and was using a hairdryer to melt a patch of ice on the sidewalk, then mopping it up with a wad of paper towels. I can only guess that she must have slipped on it while taking out the garbage and decided to take care of the problem in her own way.

I pretty much have to guess because I wasn't about to ask her what was really going on. The truth is probably far more bizarre, and I am fairly certain that I am better off not knowing.

And speaking of bizarre... every time I see a hairdryer, I am taken back to a rather interesting story.

Well, not so much "interesting" as it is "wacky and insane".

And when I say "wacky and insane", I am actually referring to my friend Robert.

Robert (who long-time Blogography readers will better recognize from his comments here as "Bad Robert") is a very different individual, and quite proud of it. He's the type of guy that will call me at midnight on a Tuesday just to tell me that he's discovered a new word that I should know about called "shart" (which is what happens when you fart and accidentally end up shitting your pants). But, on the other hand, he's also the kind of guy who would give me his last dollar if I asked for it, which makes him a good friend and all-around nice guy to know.

(As a side-note: once gay marriage is legalized in Washington, I'll be giving some serious thought to Robert as a life-partner candidate).

Anyway...

One weekend this past summer I was over at Robert's place watching either Blues Clues or Girls Gone Wild when his Super-Deluxe Girlfriend walked into the room...

Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I'm going to the store to pick up some groceries and a new hairdryer. Do you need anything?
   
Bad Robert: Oooh... when you get the hairdryer, make sure there's a blue balls button!
   
Dave: WHAT?!?
   
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
   
Bad Robert: Yeah, you know... that blue button so that cool air comes out.
   
Dave: And you call this the "blue balls" button?
   
Bad Robert: No. Not "blue balls" button... blue "balls button"... as in the "balls button" is blue. It's so you can blow-dry your nuts without roasting them.
   
Dave: WHAT?!?
   
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
   
Bad Robert: Well, yeah... testicular moisture can lead to jock itch. Baby, you should be glad that I'm into preventative maintenance... you wouldn't want to sleep with a guy who had jock itch would you?
   
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I don't know Robert. Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to sleep with a guy who blow-dries his testicles.
   
After she leaves...
   
Dave: Please don't ever tell me how your old hairdryer got broken.

Yep, Robert's Super-Deluxe Girlfriend has to be the bravest woman I've ever met.

D'oh! I just realized that I lost a dare from Naomi. But, in my defense, I must say that my thoughts are only a reflection of our balls-obsessed society, and not a personal obsession of yours truly. Oh well. If it makes you feel any better Naomi, I will resist the urge to draw a cartoon of me blow-drying my testicles... that should count for something.

UPDATE: It would seem that Robert is actually a lot smarter than people give him credit for. Read the follow-up for this entry.

Comments

LOL

Posted by lizriz on February 10, 2006

   

baby powder....baby powder is what I hear works.

I feel so uncomfortable right now. gotta go.

(walks away quickly with eyes to the floor)

Posted by Kathleen on February 10, 2006

   

Bahahahah! That's an awesome story! Quite honestly, though... Hasn't your friend ever heard of talc powder? That'll save the next hairdryer from being ruined, or, better yet, smelling kinda funny.

Mmmm jock-smell odor. Yummy.

Posted by NetChick on February 10, 2006

   

Haha, yeah talcum powder...and if he gets it just right, he'll have nice wee white powder patches on his clothes to accompany it.....gawd that sounds awful /=I

Posted by Michelle on February 10, 2006

   

You're going to tease me with reference of, yet not deliver the goods..? Oh, Davie-poo... tsk-tsk...

Posted by Naomi on February 10, 2006

   

What, you couldn't wait just one more day to post this? Then it would have been past a week and you wouldn't have lost the bet. But then again, how do just sit on a good balls story!

Posted by Jeff on February 10, 2006

   

You're not supposed to blow dry your goodies? Those appliances should include that warning under the do not use in the shower warning.

I wanna see the ball blow dry cartoon. I'd buy that for like a buck fitty.

Posted by Mia on February 10, 2006

   

We Brits have another term for "what happens when you fart and accidentally end up shitting your pants". We call it 'following through'.

Posted by Neil T on February 11, 2006

   

I'm still getting over the word shart.

And that fact that Dave would be life's partner with a guy who not only sharts, but also blows his boys dry.

I think you've lost alot of gay points, here, Dave. You may not be gay enough after all.

Posted by karla on February 11, 2006

   

So Americans invent a somewhat vulgar word like "shart", whereas the Brits come up with a cheeky, clever phrase like "follow-through". It's strange, but this revelation about accidentally shitting your pants whilst farting speaking volumes about the cultural differences between our two countries. :-)

Posted by Dave2 on February 11, 2006

   

Didn't the word 'shart' come from one of the Austin Powers movies? Dosen't Fat B*****d say it? Hmmm...

Posted by Michelle on February 11, 2006

   

I can't believe you couldn't go a week without talking about balls. Seriously. Try again. Starting....now.

Posted by Belinda on February 12, 2006

   

Along the lines of Karla's comment... would you please go back and take the Gay Quotient Test again?

Posted by Kevin on February 13, 2006

   

teehee. does he still do that?

Posted by elmo on June 05, 2006

   

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