Day One: Seattle

Posted on January 30, 2005

Passing through security was, for once, a pain-free experience (no strip-search!). That is not to say that all went perfectly. When I removed my laptop from its travel case, a data CD fell out with it, so I just set it on top. Apparently, this was not a smart thing to do. "LAPTOPS HAVE TO GO THROUGH X-RAY BY THEMSELVES" the disgruntled TSA minion declared. He then grabbed the CD and asked "IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?" Which baffled me until I saw that the CD was labeled "Death Star Schematics." The actual embarrassment directly followed, because I had to explain that the CD really does contain Death Star schematics.

And, before you get all excited, it's not because I am a Bothan spy working for the Rebel Alliance who is attempting to smuggle the plans to Alderran. A couple of months ago I helped a friend (and fellow Star Wars geek) create a digital birthday card for his brother's 40th birthday celebration. The schematics, unfortunately, were just research (the implication being that if I possessed actual Death Star plans, and had the means to construct it, earth would be doomed).

But my geekified embarrassment quickly turned to tragedy once I made my way to the gate... I couldn't get wireless internet access in the South Concourse of Sea-Tac. There are two choices for me here: Cingular, which I can connect to but is so slow that it took five minutes to load up the login screen (you expect people to PAY for this crap service?) and Wayport, which must be down just now, since I can connect but can't get an IP address to have internet access. Lovely.

Given that I am now internet-free, I've had to go find some other amusements to keep me occupied...

• Trojan Odyssey (a Dirk Pitt novel) by Clive Cussler. The New York Daily News says it is a book that's "IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST" and so how could I deny myself?
• Popular Photography. Which is pretty much an all-digital affair now.
• Vanity Fair. The Star Wars issue with exclusive pics! (but, alas, no outlet is given for purchasing Death Star parts wholesale).
• FHM. Okay, the fact that it has the delicious Teri Hatcher wearing next-to-nothing on the cover is reason enough to buy it, but the pull-out guide entitled "What Women Want: An insider's guide to getting laid" is icing on the cake.

Hmmm... this post is getting pretty long, and I'm not even half-way through! Time for an extended entry methinks.

   

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Day One: Seattle, Continued...

Anyway, as I sit here bored out of my mind, I people watch. There's nothing terribly interesting going on, but there is mild amusement to be found if you know where to look for it. With that in mind, I present you with one of the sadder casualties of modern society:

The un-hot hot-girl.

You've seen them at the malls and in nightclubs. You probably even know one of two of them. It's the woman who thinks she is "all-that" and acts as if she is blisteringly hot but is, in fact, not. They dress hot. They accessorize hot. They gesture hot. They even have the condescending attitude that hot girls have. But they don't have the goods to back it up, making them just sad. The bitch sitting two rows across from me is worse than most, especially when taking into consideration how haughty, arrogant, and rude she is to other people. If I were any less a gentleman, I would be compelled to explain it to her...

1. Your $5 SuperCuts hair looks like a mullet and is not hot. The fact that you've accented it with 80's-style roller-bangs just makes it tragic.
2. Your eating manners are not hot. Smacking on your Doritos and chewing with your mouth open is just disgusting. Talking to your equally un-hot girlfriend with your mouth full makes you about as appealing as a pig in slop, which you are.
3. Your 6-inch waist has hotness potential, I must admit. But showing it off with jeans so tight that it took a team of physicists to calculate the thread strength required in withstanding the stress levels is not... particularly when it just accentuates the fact that you have no ass.
4. Seriously. You have no ass. When you got up to throw your Doritos bag in the garbage I was nearly blinded by the void where your ass should be. Eat a cookie or something. Or at least wear some jeans that don't draw attention to what you ain't got.
5. You attitude is not hot. When a guy who is not an Abercrombie and Fitch model asks if the seat next to you is taken, don't sneer then make fun of him as he walks away. Honestly, he was not trying to come on to you, he just wanted to plug his laptop into the outlet next to the empty seat holding your purse. The fact that you decided to berate the poor guy loud enough for the entire airport to hear you does not make you hot, it makes you a f#@%ing bitch. Why do un-hot hot-girls think making fun of people somehow makes them even hotter than they're not?
6. Lastly, your Paris Hilton-inspired lifestyle is not hot if you don't have the bank to back it up. Being rich doesn't guarantee hotness, but faking it when your not is just embarrassing if you're over the age of 16.

What's truly sad here is that there would be nothing wrong with this girl if she would just drop the hot-girl act. She might even be cute if it weren't for the nasty attitude, badly misguided wardrobe choices, and unfortunate hair. As it is now, she's just a bitch.

Oog. Fourteen hours of travel ahead of me. I hope I'm not stuck next to the un-hot hot-girl.

Comments

Oooh..Dave! You get total props for one of the bitchiest things ever written by someone who is not a female! DAMN! If I sent that out to some of my friends, they might think it was written by me in one of my "fashion critic" moments! Un hot, hot girls, that's really good. Kudos to you, beeyotch!

Posted by karla on January 31, 2005 | Reply

   

Lois Lane?

Posted by Ben on February 01, 2005 | Reply

   

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