My lunch today consists of a 5-Hour Energy Shot and some oatmeal-raisin cookies. I'm hoping that they will keep me awake while I make my way through the heap of emails that took a dump on my in-box this morning.
One of the emails I got was regarding my mention of traveling in the 1990's, and was asking if I had photos of what I looked like back then. I suppose I have lots of them. But that was from the pre-digital era, so I don't know where the photos are. I do have this one of me from 1994 stuck on my bulletin board though...
And here's one from 1992 that I had posted earlier...
Yes, yes I know... I was so damn hot back then! What happened? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm willing to bet that Jägermeister is involved.
The strange thing about looking at these photos is realizing how different things are for me when I travel now vs. how I traveled twenty years ago. I've hinted about it before, but back then I was redefining the meaning of "budget travel." All my money went into just getting there. I remember times of having to decide between such luxuries as "eating" or "having a place to sleep at night." Heady days of having $25 to last three days, so I'd sleep in a train station and try to find a bakery selling day-old bread for cheap so I could eat... then rationing the loaf so it lasted for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Absolutely every move I'd make would have to be weighed against the cost, and many days were spent just scraping by as I went from place to place.
Looking back, I should have been miserable... but I truly wasn't. I wanted to travel to as many interesting places as I could, so I'd take a new trip the minute I had enough money for airfare. I didn't care that this left me with nothing to live on once I got there, I was compelled to go. And being hungry and trying to find a safe place to sleep because I blew all my money on a museum ticket was just the way things were.
Yet... I was having the time of my life.
And nothing anybody could say would convince me otherwise.
Of course today I look back on some of the more dicey days and am both horrified I put myself in those situations... and amazed I survived them... but that's youth for you. I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing. Life is good.
Now I should probably get back to work. The rest of these emails aren't going to answer themselves.
But one more thing before I go... congratulations to one of my favorite people on earth, BETTY WHITE, for her SAG win last night! Big buckets of awesome...
Photo from Kevin Winter, Getty Images
I wish Betty had time to do a guest appearance on Raising Hope, Happy Endings, or The Finder... her cameos are always legendary, and it would be sweet to have her appearing on my favorite shows.
Yesterday afternoon I had to make an emergency trip up to Chelan which, for the uninitiated, is pronounced "sha-lann" (but is spoken by locals more like "shell-ann")... and means Deep Water in the Salish Native American dialect (from the words "tsi-laan").
The city is named after Central Washington's premiere summertime attraction, Lake Chelan, which is indeed some deep, deep water. Like 1400 feet deep, making it the third-deepest lake in the USA, 24th deepest lake in the world. It's also very long... as in 55 miles long.
When I was a kid, I spent many summer days up at "The Lake," and have some great memories from my time there. In high school I spent many summer weekends up at "The Lake," but for entirely different reasons. All my memories from those times are fragmented and hazy.
Anyway... I haven't been here in a while and, despite making the trip for a very sad occasion, there is no denying that waking up to this view is anything but unpleasant...
From Chelan this morning, I drove back to work. Then drove three hours to Spokane this evening...
Where my first stop was Famous Ed's so I could enjoy some David's Pizza (now that David's Pizza has been destroyed)...
Still not authentic David's Da Vinci pizza, but it's a step above what I had last time. I just wish they could get the crust the way David's used to. This crust is kind of tough and chewy... not the wonderfully crusty crispy crust I loved on the original. Oh well. I remain hopeful that they'll eventually open a new David's and make the best pizza I've ever tasted once again.
=sigh=
And now I'm comfy in my hotel bed watching the latest episode of Happy Endings
I want cake.
As I started my three-hour drive home from Spokane, I noticed that my passenger-side rear-view mirror was shaking a bit. As I drove on, it got worse and worse.
"That's odd," I said. I don't remember my mirror being wobbly like that." So I stopped at the next gas station to take a look.
Turns out somebody side-swiped me last night in the hotel parking lot. And, like the asshole they are, they didn't bother leaving a note. Not to offer to pay for repairs. Not even to warn me that my mirror and might drop off my car at any minute. Nothing.
My only consolation is that they scraped a nice swatch of paint off their vehicle...
All I could do was pop my mirror back in the housing the best I could and drive on. I don't even know how I would go about fixing the thing. Take apart the door, I guess. It's still a bit wobbly, but feels solid enough that it's not going to be a safety risk.
And here I thought I was joking when I said my car was invisible.
The first three times.
Now I'm pretty much convinced that the piece of shit does actually possess some kind of stealth capability. How else can I explain getting hit again and again and again and again and again?
Hmmm...
Speaking of "again and again"... my blog is down again. Guess I won't be posting this entry tonight after all.
Typical.
Yesterday's drive over the mountains was about as uneventful as it gets. No snow. No insane people. No terrible motorists. No accidents. No drama. Nothing. Everybody even drove the speed limit! At first I thought that hell might have frozen over... but then I realized that I was just playing the odds. After hundreds of such drives in the past, the stars somehow aligned to give me the stress-free journey I've always dreamed about. Guess I was due...
In order to take photos of my road-trips, I modified an old GPS mount to stick my iPhone to the windshield and use a time-lapse app to snap pictures as I drive. That way, I'm not one of these people who can't stay on the road because I'm dicking around with my phone and crashing into people.
There are a few problems with this...
And now... I should probably get back to my glass of Jägermeister. It looks very lonely up there on the table. Staring at me. Demanding I show it some love. Such a demanding drink, it is.
Yesterday the television weather dude was forecasting doom and gloom on the mountain passes. He even went so far as to recommend that you drive home from your holiday weekend early (on Sunday) if you could. This scared the crap out of me because I simply had to get back home before Tuesday.
Unfortunately, I had been drinking, so driving home yesterday wasn't possible. Instead I decided I would drive home early today before the weather got too bad. So I woke up at 7am and left just before 8am.
Only to find that the passes were JUST FINE, and I worried for nothing. I also got up early for nothing, which sucks ass.
Oh well. Once I got past all the skiers driving to the summit, I had the road entirely to myself, which was nice...
The GPS mount that holds my iPhone kept sliding on my windshield, which was annoying, but I got some nice shots of my trip. One of these days I'm doing that time-lapse movie... it's quite a nice drive.
Anyway... home safe and sound.
Tonight I had a loaf of garlic bread and a glass of Kool-Aid for dinner.
If you can't tell, I've given up on life.
Probably because I have to get up at 3:30am tomorrow so I can make my plane. Usually I wouldn't fly so frickin' early, but the price difference between the early flight and the not-so-early flight was $800, so there you have it. If only I were made of money, I wouldn't have to deal with crap like this.
But I'm not. So I do. Welcome to my world.
I guess I should take a shower and go to bed... or do whatever it is that people do when they have to get up in six hours for a flight. Ooh! What if people eat chocolate pudding and watch Batman cartoons?
Yes. I think that must be what people do.
And so shall I.
So shall I.
What a wacky day!
3:00am
I was hoping that staying up until 11:00 last night would mean I'd sleep until my alarm went off at 3:30 this morning. This was, of course, the wishful thinking of a chronic insomniac. Wide awake at 3:00am. Apparently anything more than four hours sleep will have to stay a dream... a short but wonderful dream.
3:25am
Shower. Get dressed. Pack up my crap. Check my email for flight cancellations (for the third time this morning). Then stare at the clock until 3:50am when I head off to the airport.
4:20am
Arrive at the airport, which won't open for ten minutes. Wasn't stopped by the police for accidental speeding, which is always a plus. Now I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. I surf the internet on my iPhone for twenty minutes to pass the time, then look up to see this:
Since I just added oil last weekend, I can only guess my car is burning oil like a muthertrucker. Yay! I totally have a pile of money back home just waiting to throw at an auto mechanic!
4:45am
The security screening agent asks me if I want to remove my sweatshirt or go for the pat-down. I explain that it's a bit too early for me to have been drinking, so I'll pass on the pat-down and strip off my hoodie. He seems a little too relieved. I'm offended because I am totally grope-worthy this morning! Since I buzzed my head, every day is a good hair day right here! Now I sit and wait to see if my flight will be cancelled because of "mechanical difficulties"... for the third time in a row (=cough= BULLSHIT! =cough=).
5:35am
Oh my dear and fluffy Lord, we're actually boarding the plane! The cabin attendant announces that the weather in Seattle is currently clear, but clouds with a light rain will be moving in later this morning and is "projected to last until July 5th." This gets him a courtesy laugh because it is funny for being (mostly) true... but anybody familiar with Seattle already knows this. I stifle the urge to give him a golf clap because I like to encourage smart-assery whenever I can.
5:40am
My name is "David Simmer II" instead of the more common "David Simmer Jr." because my dad didn't want for people to call me "Junior" (as so often happens). I'm guessing this was because he had hoped I'd become rich and famous so he could sponge off the glory that was my his name. But when you think about it, this was a huge risk because what if the opposite happened? What if I instead became an infamous drug addict? Or a serial killer? Or a politician? But luckily (unluckily?) the only meager fame I have is as "That Blography Guy," so my profanity-laden rants on this blog aren't too damaging. Even so, I still get a little excited when I notice somebody else with "II" instead or "Jr." after their name. We're rare, and our dads were notorious risk-takers, so there's a bond there...
Looks like Milton G. Kuolt II's father totally scored...
Sorry, dad... if the only way I can get a plane named after me is to start my own airline, I'm afraid you're out of luck... OR ARE YOU?!?
6:30am
Wheeeeeeee!
Landed in Seattle after taking off as scheduled. Will wonders never cease.
6:35am
And now I start my four-hour layover. Yes, that sucks, but since the flight I was on is canceled ALL THE TIME, I have to allow enough time to drive over to Seattle in the event of "mechanical difficulties." I briefly contemplate hauling ass to SeaTac's South Satellite to catch an earlier flight for my connection in Salt Lake City. But I only have 15 minutes, and this is SeaTac we're talking about, so I sit down to a Qdoba Egg & Potato breakfast burrito instead...
It's like heaven in a foil wrapper, I tell you what.
8:05am
Argh. Screaming kids wherever I go. As if that weren't bad enough, SeaTac is BLASTING this fucking awful music at full volume. So I reach for my... my... HOLY CRAP I'VE FORGOTTEN MY HEADPHONES!!! It's always something. Since this is a common event with me, I go to a kiosk and buy the almost-cheapest ear buds I can find. They're Skullcandy "Smokin' Buds" (HA! a thinly-veiled marijuana reference! How clever is THAT?)... and... they are so bad. The bass is ridiculously harsh and there is precious little definition or clarity, so everything is a muffled mess. I set iTune's equalizer to try and compensate, but the sound is still pretty terrible...
UPDATE: While these ear buds do totally suck for my MacBook Pro, the sound coming from my iPhone with them is actually pretty decent. Still muddy, but at least it feels a little more balanced.
8:35am
Just as I receive an email telling me that my flight out of Seattle has been delayed, my iPhone rings to tell me the same thing. Naturally this screws up my connection in Salt Lake City since I am now arriving 10 minutes after my flight leaves. I wish I could even pretend to be surprised. I'm just lucky that there was room for me on a later flight. And that my First Class upgrade transferred. When I scan my ticket to get a revised boarding card, a "courtesy coupon" spits out... it's a $10 meal voucher. SCORE!! I wonder if Jägermeister would be considered a "meal?"
9:00am
Dear Seattle-Tacoma International Airport,
I'm not shy by any means, but would it fucking kill you to add some privacy screens between the urinals? The damn things are so frickin' close to each other that I worry I might get confused and pee into a neighboring john by mistake...
Sounds unlikely, I know, but when you have people using their free meal vouchers to start buying Jäger shots at 9:00 in the morning... well, crazier shit has been known to happen.
9:05am
My flight has just been delayed again. I may die of un-shock. On the plus side, Delta Airlines has set out some drinks and snacks for delayed passengers (something I've never seen before). Circumstances aside, this is pretty darn nice of them.
10:10am
Flight delayed for a third time. I didn't think it was possible for me to be even more un-shocked than I was, but here we are.
11:15am
My flight is finally boarding! For everybody except me. When they scan my boarding pass, they get an error. The gate agent reprints my pass a couple times but to no avail. Finally they just rip it in half and tell me they'll figure it out later. I certainly hope so.
12:50pm
Wondering what's happening with my ticket back in Seattle, I buy 15 minutes of inflight internet for $1.95. When I login to Delta, everything looks okay and my new flight shows up, but who knows? With 10 minutes of internet left, I Tweet pictures and stuff...
Wheeee! I'm totally flying here!
2:40pm (Mountain Time now)
Arrive in Salt Lake City. My original connecting flight left nearly an hour ago... my new flight doesn't leave for 2 hours and 20 minutes. I need alcohol badly, but settle for some Sun Chips I took from Delta's snack table while I wait to board my now-delayed (SURPRISE!) flight to Kansas City.
7:30pm (Central Time now)
The turbulence is balls-nasty. Either that or we're crashing. As much as I dislike the idea of going down in a ball of flames, I do like the idea of not having to go to work tomorrow. In case we DO crash, here's my plane's last known location. Please send a search party. And beer...
8:30pm
Arrive safely(!) at Kansas City Airport 3-1/2 hours later than planned. Pick up my car. Drive the 40 minutes to downtown. Check into my hotel. Life is good again at last.
10:00pm
Sit in bed finishing up this entry as gusting winds are howling and a torrential flood of rain is pelting my window. It's like a monsoon out there! Looks like I won't be getting any sleep after all now that Armageddon is going on around me. Such a pity.
10:30pm
I finish. Then I click "publish"...
Work started early and ended early, so I was left with four-and-a-half hours of free time to explore Kansas City. And since there's probably only ten minutes worth of crap to see here, that would be plenty of time, wouldn't it?
Ummmm... no. Not by a long-shot.
I had been here a couple times before, but assumed there wasn't much going on, so I never really made an effort to see what KC had to offer. Now I know this was a huge, huge, mistake.
And I found this out pretty much by accident.
On a previous trip, I had been to the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art. This time I wanted to go to the The Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, which is kind of famous for the three giant shuttlecocks planted in front...
Inside, there is an impressive and varied collection from many different genres. I was particularly impressed with their European works, which has a terrific impressionist room. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
As I was driving to an art supply store, I saw a sign for the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum. I like baseball, so I thought it might be worth a stop. I did keep my enthusiasm in check, however, because how great could it be? Probably just a bunch of glass cases filled with old stuff, right?
Ummmm... no. Not by a long-shot.
This has to be one of the most impressive shrines to the great sport of baseball that I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot of them. I was completely and utterly blown away by the amazing story they tell, and the incredible way they tell it. It's a beautiful, important, and wholly wonderful museum that manages to do a lot within a little space...
I expected to spend 20 minutes here. I ended up spending an hour. I could have stayed for another. The only down-sides are
"If colored clubs were admitted there would be in all probability some division of feeling, whereas, by excluding them no injury could result to anyone."
— Raymond J. Burr, Philadelphia Pythians Representative
That's right... no injury for anyone! EXCEPT THE BLACK PLAYERS YOU RACIST IDIOT! I swear, a good chunk of the museum is very, very difficult to explore. You get to learn all about the things that these sportsmen went through just to play. Like going without food on road games because there was no place to stop that would serve "coloreds." But lest you think that the experience of being a player in the Negro Leagues overshadows the game of baseball here... it doesn't. There's loads of amazing baseball artifacts, trivia, and stories. Like I said, one of the best baseball museums you'll find anywhere. Best $8 I've ever spent. HIGHEST POSSIBLE RECOMMENDATION!
As if having The Negro Leagues Baseball Museum wasn't enough... the same building houses The American Jazz Museum! I enjoy some jazz, but am not the biggest fan of the genre. But... the ticket was only $2 extra when bought with an NLBM ticket, so I went for it. I expected to spend 5 or ten minutes here. I ended up spending a half-hour, and could have easily stayed longer. The place is amazing. Just amazing. It's beautifully constructed with vibrant, exciting interactive displays and plenty of awesome memorabilia. All the greats are here from Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong to Duke Ellington and Charlie Parker and everyone in-between. Wish I could have taken photos to share, because it's that well done. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
Looking for something else to do, I spotted a pamphlet for the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank. They have a visitor center with a massive presidential coin collection plus you get to look inside the vault to see the people working with the money there! SOLD!
Except I took a wrong turn and ended up at something called "The National World War I Museum." Oops. But since I'm here, I might as well take a look. Probably just a bunch of old junk sitting on shelves or something, right?
Ummmm... no. Not by a long-shot.
I have been to a lot of museums around the world. Seriously, a LOT of them. I can tell you right now that this mind-bogglingly amazing museum can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the very best of them. It is frickin' incredible. AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT BEFORE IN MY LIFE! I am sick at the thought that the only reason I came here was because of a wrong turn...
I spent two hours here. I could have spent two days. This museum is the very definition of "destination-worthy experience." You will not only learn a lot about The First Great World War, but you will see a lot of amazing stuff from that era. I first went to "The Main Hall" which is actually underneath that tower you see there. The displays are nothing short of jaw-dropping, both for how beautiful they are and how informative they are...
You enter the museum by walking across a glass bridge over a field of poppies
From there I went up "Liberty Tower" to get a view of the city...
And then I went to the "Memory Hall" exhibits (that's the building to the left of the tower in my first photo)...
Then I went to the "Exhibit Hall" exhibits (that's the building to the right of the tower in my first photo)...
The sheer depth and breadth of the story they tell here still has me reeling. It's truly a world-class museum right here in Kansas City... and you get to see all of it for a bargain-basement price of $6. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT, SIX DOLLARS! Just go. Book your plane ticket and go. HIGHEST POSSIBLE RECOMMENDATION.
After forcibly tearing myself away from the National World War I Museum, I made my way to my original destination... the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank Money Museum. It's a small museum, but impressive and fun. The only place you can't take pictures is in The Vault (which is a shame, because the money robots are cool!)...
After getting screened at security and going through a metal detector and such, you can walk through the exhibits and see the Presidential Coin Collection... featuring all the coins issued during the terms of all our presidents...
Coins from President Washington all the way to President Obama!
As if all that wasn't enough, they've got a really nice hard-bound souvenir book for just $16 plus a bag of FREE MONEY! Yep! Everybody who visits the museum gets their own bag full of money...
...which has been shredded into the tiniest possible pieces.
But still, pretty cool. And well-worth a visit. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
After getting caught up with work, I decided to hit one more museum... The Hallmark Cards Visitor Center!
It's not very comprehensive, but gives a decent overview of the company and the stuff they make... from cards and bows to Keepsake Ornaments and gifts...
Though my favorite part was the bow-making machine which creates a souvenir you get to keep!
Overall a fun diversion... but not a critical one. I almost wish I would have gone back to the National World War I Museum.
And I'm sure I'm just scratching the surface of what Kansas City has to offer the wayward tourist. For example, I know there's a Harley Davidson Museum north of here (though it looks similar to the ones I've already been to in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania).
If only I had more time to see it all.
Anyway... I've got to get back to work now. Hopefully I've done my part to encourage you to take a trip to KC now that you know of some of the really cool stuff that's here waiting for you.
Yesterday I forgot to say a big "thank you" to everybody who emailed/tweeted/commented to see if I was alright after the storms and tornados which descended on the area my first night here.
Yes, I am perfectly okay. Though a bit sleep-deprived because the howling winds, torrential rains, and lightning flashes made sleep next to impossible. But, thankfully, there was nothing more severe than that. Unlike the poor people in Harveyville, which is a mere hour-and-a-half away from Kansas City...
Half the city was pretty much wiped off the map when a tornado dropped there Tuesday night. And, from the sounds of it, more tornados are on the way.
Today is all about work and flying home, so I'll leave you with a photo I took last night on the way back from dinner...
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Yourself...
Yesterday was the very definition of chaos. Probably because I didn't get any sleep the night before, and was running on fumes all day long.
The day you leave for vacation is always like that, I guess, no matter how much you try to make it otherwise. There's always too much to be done and time is running out to do it. Oh well, it's over now. Even though I was pretty much dead by the time I got to my hotel at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport last night.
The one bright spot was the drive over Blewett and Snoqualmie passes, which nearly killed me in my exhausted state, but what a beautiful way to go...
Always amazes me what you can pull off an iPhone that's been stuck to your windshield after you've cleaned, cropped, and sharpened up the mess of photos that were snapping away during your drive. Makes me wish I had time to pull off the road and take some photos with my real camera!
I'd say "there's always next time" but how can I be sure?
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Word...
Not so much that I would care to live for an eternity... but because I like the idea of something that is infinite and never-ending. Something that is bigger than the sum of everything. It's a terrific word that encompasses so much with so little.
Greetings from onboard the mighty Island Princess.
Embarkation was a breeze... a pleasure even... which is not something I can say about most cruises I have taken. Not only did everything go quickly with a minimum time spent waiting in line, but the stateroom was ready before I even stepped foot on the ship.
After a nice buffet lunch, a safety drill, and smooth sailing out of Port Everglades, we were at sea, sailing away from grey skies towards a sunnier climate...
Dinner, as usual for a cruise ship, was excellent. They have a decent Fettucini Alfredo as a standard menu item, which is pretty sweet. And then, before I even realized it, the sun went down and the night was here...
Tomorrow is a "day at sea" which is not my favorite thing, but I'm sure I'll manage doing nothing just fine.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Animated Character...
This was a complete no-brainer. There are a lot of animated characters I like (Batman, Sully Monster, Stitch, etc.)... but my hands-down favorite is GIR from Invader Zim. His crazy antics crack me up every time, and they managed to give him a personality that is something really special. Oh how I wish that they would make more Zim cartoons. I've seen the existing ones so many times I'm starting to memorize them.
Sea day. Sea day. Just a boring sea day.
As I'm not much a fan of laying around and eating until you puke, sea days aren't my favorite thing on a cruise. Though the weather was pretty amazing (if a little windy)...
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Television Show...
Easily my favorite show to have ever existed was Jeremy Piven's Cupid. I'd tell you to go buy it on DVD so you could see just how amazing and magical that television can be but, alas, it's not available. I keep hoping though.
I'M TRAPPED! TRAPPED LIKE A RAT ON A BIG BOAT!!
Sea days on a cruise are tough. Two of them in a row is really tough.
The highlight of my day was watching some chefs cut fruits and vegetables into a variety of interesting shapes, then assembling these shapes into various birds, fish, and animals...
Yep, that was my day.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Candy...
I love U-NO bars. The texture is sublime. They're sweet... but have little salty almond bits. I could eat them morning, noon, and night, but only seem to find them around Halloween where I live.
Probably a good thing.
But a little boring to draw.
If it's going to rain in The Caribbean, it's usually just for a bit in the morning until the sun comes out and burns the clouds away. Which is why I'm at a complete loss as to why the ship's itinerary has it docking in Oranjestad, Aruba (an independent part of the Netherlands) at FRICKIN' SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING when it was pissing down rain... then leaving at 12:30, just as blue skies were arriving. If I were a sun worshiper coming to enjoy one of Aruba's magnificent beaches, I'd be pissed.
But I'm not, so I don't get all bent out of shape. Heck, cloudy days with a little rain make for some beautiful photos, so I'm perfectly fine with that kind of weather.
Which didn't come until 9:30am, meaning I spent a couple hours getting drenched. Because the rain rolled in just moments after docking...
Visiting the "California Lighthouse" (named for a ship that sunk off the coast here) was a wet experience indeed...
But after a while the sun started breaking through and even the dogs were coming out...
By the time I arrived at "Baby Natural Bridge," the rain had completely stopped and the skies were clearing...
"Baby Natural Bridge" is a land formation where the water has eaten away at the base of a big rock, creating a bridge...
The original "Natural Bridge" was bigger than "Baby Natural Bridge," but it collapsed into the ocean back in 2005. It's the black busted rocks you see on the right there...
And here's a better view...
In the above picture, the waterline used to extend all the way up onto the sand there. But when Natural Bridge collapsed, it blocked off the ocean. Apparently, tourists used to walk across the bridge all the time so, luckily, it fell apart in the early morning when nobody was around to get hurt.
There's a few places on the island where giant boulders randomly appear for no reason that geologists understand. This makes them a tourist attraction, and you can even climb on top of one like a mini Stone Mountain!
And, of course, my last stop had to be the Hard Rock Cafe Aruba, so I could pick up a shirt and a few pins...
AT LEAST I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A T-SHIRT IF THE SHOP HAD ANY OF THEM... ABSOLUTELY ANY OF THEM... IN A SIZE LARGE!! How incredibly stupid do you have to be to run out of the one souvenir that everybody wants in the most popular size on earth? It's as if the management at this Hard Rock just said "Fuck it! We don't want the cash!"... and then set a huge pile of money on fire in the middle of the fucking restaurant. I mean, seriously, selling souvenir shirts and pins at a Hard Rock is like printing money. You get guaranteed sales at a massive profit margin, and so it makes zero sense why any Hard Rock would ever... ever... run out.
Unless they were purposely trying to run themselves out of business.
Oh well.
With an hour left to kill, I wandered down the colorful streets of Oranjestad...
And, as you can see, blue skies struck with a vengeance... just as the ship was leaving port.
And that was the first port excursion on my cruise. A welcome event after two days trapped on a giant boat at sea.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw the Turning Point in Your Life...
While there are many turning points in my life, the biggest would be a visit to Thailand back in 1998. My entire outlook on life was completely changed. Suddenly all the things that once seemed so critical to my happiness became trivial and petty. Some of this came from studying Buddhist teachings... but mostly it came from the beautiful example set by the Thai people themselves. It was as if I had been sleepwalking for decades and suddenly started to wake up as to what was important in life.
It doesn't get to be more of a turning point than that.
It was a roasting 90° F in Columbia today. I thought I'd melt under the flawless blue skies of beautiful Cartegena, but instead I just got a little red.
Some random shots of the day, because I'm too tired for much else...
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Most Recent Accomplishment...
Getting six full hours of sleep last night was a major accomplishment.
Even if it was artificially-induced.
Since this ship didn't go all the way through the Panama Canal, I took an excursion that would continue onward to the Pacific. Kind of boring, but I didn't come all this way to only go through half the canal.
It was pleasant enough, I guess, except I ended up burned again... even though I piled on the sunscreen...
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Comic...
And by "comic" I'm assuming a comic book hero will work?
At long last the excursion I've been waiting for finally arrived: SLOTHS!
I've been a huge fan of these little mammals for a long time. And watching sloth television shows on Animal Planet and sloth videos on YouTube has only made me like them more. As if all that weren't enough, baby sloths are about the cutest things you'll ever see.
The Sloth Sanctuary is located about a half-hour's drive out of the ship's port of call in Limon. They take in baby sloths who have been abandoned and adult sloths who have been injured. They also have a nature walk and canoe float to see even more wildlife species of the rainforest.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Fairytale...
Most fairytales in their original, non-Disneyfied versions are totally messed up. Far from being perky stories to brighten your day, these children's tales by the likes of The Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen are filled with death and depression. For a classic example, get your hands on the original The Little Mermaid sometime and see how twisted a story for kids can get. The Little Match Girl is no less fucked up than other fairytales, but it's got a base element that rings true, and so it's kind of stuck with me over the years...
A little girl is out in the cold trying to sell matches on New Years Eve. She's close to freezing, but she can't go home because her father will beat her if she doesn't sell the matches. With nowhere to go because she hasn't sold anything, she seeks refuge in a nook and lights a match to keep herself warm. A shooting star appears and she remembers how her kindly grandmother told her before she died that this was a person going to heaven. With the next match she lights, the girl has a vision of her grandmother... the only person to ever love her... in the flame. She continues to light the matches one-by-one so she can keep the vision of her grandmother alive. But, sadly, eventually she runs out of matches and freezes to death. Her grandmother then shows up as a spirit and takes the little match girl to heaven.
So, basically, life sucks and then you die. Such a great lesson for kids.
Another sea day.
Which is kind of a relief, as it gives me a chance to recover from the hideous burns on my face after cruising through the Panama Canal. As in... HOLY CRAP! MY FACE HAS BEEN BURNT OFF! Thanks a lot, stupid sun-screen lotion that didn't work! Actually, the burns aren't quite so bad now. Only my forehead blistered, so it's pretty raw... the rest of my face has settled down to a rosy glow. In another couple of days I should be back to quasi-normal-looking, but with a slight tan.
Anyway...
With nothing better to do, I started placing the artwork for the latest issue of THRICE FICTION. I know I say this every time, but this is probably our best issue yet! RW has found some mind-bogglingly good stories for numero quatro, and I can't wait for everybody to get their hands on it. Which will probably be the end of next week, once I've had a chance to code the eBook editions.
And so now I take my leave of you with this gorgeous sunset that's happening out my balcony...
Thank you "VIVID SUNSET MODE" on my pocket Canon camera!"
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Family Portrait...
Hello from the land of rum and pirates.
As a Hard Rock fan, Grand Cayman has been on my list of places to visit for a long time. I almost visited years ago, but a hurricane in the area changed my travel plans.
But here I am at last.
I wasn't going to do the whole "excursion thing" so I could just bum around George Town and hit the beach, but my face is still burnt to a cinder, so I thought "What the hell?"
Which is ironic, because the first stop was... literally... Hell. Hell, Grand Cayman...
I wouldn't have expected it, but there are chickens in hell. Chickens who like eating coconuts...
And here's a shot of Seven Mile Beach taken from the bus window. Sigh. If not for faulty sun-screen and a massive burn on my face...
Then it was time for a turtle farm. The idea is to preserve and protect the species, but the poor turtles looked incredibly bored swimming around in circles within their small, crowded tanks. I felt pretty sorry for them, as it didn't look like much of a life...
There were also other critters wandering around the place...
After the tour dumped everybody off in George Town, there was only one place I really wanted to go...
The cafe is a small, old-school property that's located at the end of the main shopping district downtown. It would probably do a lot better business if it were more centrally located near the cruise ship dock, but there you have it.
I would have eaten lunch at the Hard Rock, but I don't really care for their veggie burgers and fries. Since that's what I was craving, I decided to wander down to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville.
What a huge fucking mistake that turned out to be.
First of all, they didn't have Boca Burgers like every other Margaritaville I had ever been to. Oh well, I decided to have nachos and a Coke instead. Not a big deal.
EXCEPT THEY WERE THE WORST NACHOS I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE! And I am including the time I had Australian nachos where the crazy bastards mix the salsa into the chips for a soggy mess. Because, hey, at least their nachos use actual cheese and are... you know... WARM! Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville nachos are inedible shit. And COLD! They take roasted chips... pour in some FUCKING DISGUSTING COLD IMITATION CHEEZ-WHIZ-LIKE CONGEALED SUBSTANCE... put a small puddle of melted real cheese on top... then add some shriveled olives, jalapeños, and crap. What you end up with is a bunch of soggy tortilla chips coated in this grotesque oily mess. And did I mention that they were COLD? They weren't "not hot" or "merely warm"... but FUCKING COLD!
Yes. COLD! I couldn't even bring myself to eat them they were so bad...
If that wasn't bad enough, the Coke was watered down and flat. I only drank it because it was something cool. I would have complained to my waiter... but I rarely saw him. The poor guy was given way too many tables that were too far apart. I did tell him when I hunted him down to pay, but his response was to give me a "souvenir glass" I apparently paid for but never wanted, and tell me he would tell his manager.
I'd chalk this up to a bad experience, but the table next to me didn't get hot food either, and the buns on one of their burgers was stale. So... lesson learned... when you're hungry in George Town, Grand Cayman... avoid Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville like the fucking plague. Which is such a shame, because all the other Margaritavilles I've eaten at have had excellent food and service.
Jimmy should be ashamed to have his name on this place.
And, thanks to my pricey souvenir glass I never wanted, I have something to remember one of the worst meals I've ever had for the rest of my life! Or until I throw the shit in the garbage.
Anyway...
Couldn't have asked for a nicer day. Lovely sunshine and a nice breeze to keep things pleasant. And then there's that amazing Caribbean Blue water here that looks like some kind of Photoshop hack, but really isn't...
Sweet! As I was writing this, I heard somebody telling bad jokes over a loudspeaker ("WHY DIDN'T THE SKELETON CROSS THE ROAD? HE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS!"). I thought it was coming from the ship, but it was instead a small touristy pirate ship thing floating by my balcony...
Yo! Ho! A pirates life for me!
And, just like that, my last excursion was over. We set sail for Florida in a couple hours.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Inspiration...
This should come as no shock to anybody who has read Blogography for any amount of time. Steve Jobs takes inspiration to an entirely new level. But he did that with most things. I know it probably rings hollow for somebody to gush over a person they've never met... but I miss Steve Jobs terribly and think of him often. What I wouldn't give for just one more keynote speech... just one more thing.
Wah!
The last day of a cruise is usually a "Sea Day" so that everybody can pack their suitcases, settle their onboard account, arrange their disembarkation transportation, and have one last chance to stuff their faces with all the food they can get their hands on.
For me, 10-14 days is about the right length for a cruise. Any shorter and you barely have time to unpack, get used to the ship, and start relaxing. Any longer and you start to go insane over the idea of being trapped on a boat one more day. And that's where I'm at right now. I see these cruise itineraries of 30 and 45 days (and up!) and just don't know how people do it. Maybe if I had a larger cabin with a shower that was bigger than a bread box I'd feel different, but I doubt it. And so I've started to mentally prepare myself for dealing with the reality of post-cruise life. And when you've been living in an "unreality" bubble for ten days, that's not an easy thing to do.
For anybody who is interested in all the gory details, I've put the particulars of my Panama Canal cruise onboard Island Princess in an extended entry.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Plant...
I love tomato plants because tomato plants give us tomatoes and tomatoes give us pizza sauce.
→ Click here to continue reading "Day Ten: At Sea"...
When I booked my cruise, I found that flying home today would have cost an arm and a leg. And since I would rather spend an arm and a leg seeing cool stuff than trapped in a metal tube, I decided to extend my vacation a few days so the airfare would be cheaper.
The problem is that Ft. Lauderdale is the #1 destination for Spring Break that's going on now, and I really didn't want to be caught up in that craziness as I attempt to take a vacation from my vacation. So I decided to get as far from Ft. Lauderdale as possible... Key West. I haven't been here in ages, so why not? sure it's a long drive, but it's a nice drive too...
And boy was it a stunningly beautiful day to be in Key West...
Until I found out that Key West is the #2 destination for Spring Break that's going on now...
Oh well. Key West is absolute magic no matter what's going on, so I really don't have much choice but to enjoy it. And speaking of magic...
In a wild coincidence, the Disney Magic was in port... the same ship I cruised with in The Mediterranean back in 2010!
From there it was time to visit one of my most favorite Hard Rock Cafes on the planet. It's an amazing property that's built into a grand old house and crammed full of great memorabilia the way a Hard Rock should be...
And don't forget a slice of delicious Key Lime Pie...
Then back down South to watch the sunset...
Not a bad way to spend an afternoon, that's for sure!
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Just a Doodle...
After spending a week in the Caribbean, I guess I have pirates on the brain! Kind of tough to draw it on my MacBook's trackpad though.
The forecast was for overcast skies and eventual rain. Key West got blue skies and sunshine. I celebrated my good fortune by getting another sunburn and eating key lime pie.
I also did a number of touristy things because I felt kind of touristy. The last time I was here I didn't feel like doing anything, so I guess it all balances out in the end.
First stop? The Key West Butterfly & Nature Conservatory. I had such a good time when I visited the one in Australia that I couldn't pass it up. This one was smaller, but just as nice. And it had birds in it. Overall a very, very cool experience...
Then I was of to the Key West Lighthouse and Lighthouse Keeper Quarters Museum where I confronted my fear of heights to climb the 88 steps to the top...
Then I decided to give Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville a chance to redeem themselves after the awful, awful experience I had in Grand Caymans. It was just as delicious and great an experience as I've had at other Margaritavilles I've been to, so I was happy again...
Then a stop at the Oldest House in Key West...
Then a visit to President Truman's Little White House...
Then a world-famous Conch Train Tour...
Then a stop at The Ernest Hemmingway House and Museum. I had been here before, but love all the cats (some of which are six-toed!), so I had to stop again...
But most all the houses in Key West are special in some way... even if they never belonged to somebody famous...
Then off to the Key West Aquarium...
And the Highway 1 Mile 0 marker...
Then it was time for a refreshing Stewart's Key Lime soda!
And the historic Southernmost House Inn... supposedly the second-most photographed house in the USA after the White House...
And then I wandered around Southernmost Point... went back to see a few more butterflies... then dropped by my hotel to put my feet up and blog a bit. Not bad for seven hours in Key West!
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something Orange...
The official fruit of Florida... ORANGES!!
My flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Detroit was blissfully uneventful.
My flight from Detroit to Seattle was easily in my Top Five Worst Flights of All Time list. There was two-and-a-half hours of nausea-inducing turbulence that had people puking their guts out from North Dakota to Idaho. I don't get motion-sickness, but my stomach was telling me that it wish I did. And now that I'm finally in Seattle, I just want to climb into my beautiful plush-top hotel bed and sleep.
Except I have to do my drawing for the day.
Not that it matters though... I won't be posting this until I get home because I'm not paying $17 for internet.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something New...
Before I went on vacation, I bought a new pair of Nikes. And filled them with new Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles. So I was totally gellin' on my vacation.
And isn't that what vacation is all about?
I had meant to drive over the mountains early this morning so I could get back to work first thing.
But it snowed last night and the passes were a mess every time I rolled over and checked WSDOT on my iPhone. Then around 8:00 things started improving. The overcast skies were breaking up and the snowplows were out. At 8:30 it was time to go.
By the time I got to the top, it was kind of a glorious day. That fresh snowfall sure looked pretty...
And now? Time to get back to life.
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Want...
STILL WANT MY FLYING CAR! WHERE'S MY FUCKING FLYING CAR?!? I wouldn't have to worry about snowy, messed-up roads if I had a flying car.
Juuuuuuust enough time to pack my suitcase. Again.
And draw a new 30 Day Challenge entry. Again.
Then I'm off to The Coast. Again.
It's a vacation from my vacation... just like I always dreamed about!
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Miss...
I miss lots of people that aren't in my life anymore. I miss a few television shows that are off the air. There's even some foods I miss that aren't around anymore. But this morning when I went out to my car so I could go to work... and found snow and ice covering it... I missed Maui most of all.
The drive over Stevens Pass was blissfully without incident. No snow on the roads. No accidents. No crazy-ass people. Just a few drivers who couldn't seem to go the speed limit to damage my calm... but road rage was kept to a minimum, which is always nice.
Just before I left, the final pieces for the latest issue of THRICE Fiction fell into place, so I managed to get it uploaded for your reading pleasure. As always, it's totally FREE to download at the THRICE Fiction website!...
This issue is packed with great stuff, so be sure to check it out (did I mention that it's FREE?).
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Need...
What I need... NEED... is to get drunk off my ass on Jägermeister for my birthday tomorrow. Fortunately, that will be happening a day early in 3... 2... 1...
It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!
I don't really celebrate my birthday, but here it is. My non-celebration is taking place at the Tulalip Resort Casino. It's a very nice casino run by the Tulalip Indian Reservation that's 45 minutes north of Seattle. And, unlike tribal casinos I've visited in some states, it's a real casino with real casino games and (more importantly) real slot machines... not just a bunch of slot-looking-machines that are just a fancy facade for a BINGO game (or however they circumnavigate gaming restrictions).
Anyway... at one point I was up $220... but eventually walked out just $40 ahead. That's not as great as winning a couple thousand dollars on my birthday, but it beats ending up with a loss.
As usual, I drank too much, but what's a non-celebration without too much alcohol?
30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Couple...
Don't ask my why. It's my birthday and I've had too much to drink.
What a bunch of fucking scumbags.
Back in February I purchased a GoGo Inflight Wireless monthly pass.
Last month in March when I saw the charge, I just thought "Wow, they're really late to bill for their service!" and, just to be sure somebody hasn't stolen my credit card number, I go to my GoGo account and verify that only one charge has been made...
Yep! Page one of one. Just the one charge for February 28th! Guess they are really late in billing.
But then today I look at my credit card statement and see the charge again in April. Then I go back and confirm that the previous charge was, in fact, new service for March because they billed me in February too. So I call and find out what the heck is going on, only to be told that all monthly plans are auto-renewing, and they're sorry I missed that when I signed up.
I don't ever recall seeing that on the sign-up form. But, then again, it was probably easy to miss on my tiny iPhone screen.
Oh well, I explain the error and am told that they can't retroactively cancel my account, but they will put in a request for a refund on the latest (third) charge. Which means that I'm apparently out of luck on getting money back on the second charge.
What a bunch of fucking scumbags.
Look, if you're going to automatically bill people for some kind of renewable service deal, there are three things you need to make sure of...
Which brings me to my point... GoGo is OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO DO THEIR BEST TO HIDE THE CHARGE!
I check my credit card statements every month and still managed to fall into their scam to the tune of $70.
What a bunch of fucking scumbags.
And you just know that they don't give a fuck, because if you want to use internet while flying, they're the only game in town. They get to be scumbags because there are zero consequences from screwing people over.
Which begs the question...
Why in the hell can't I dream up a business philosophy like that?
I really need to make a concentrated effort in becoming more evil.
And I'm off...
Despite having been to the Netherlands dozens of times, I've never gone out to the bulb fields when they're in bloom. Usually I've been here at the wrong time... but other times when they've been in season, I've had to work or didn't have transportation or something goes wrong.
Today The DutchBitch finally fixed all that. I have to say though, they're not quite as impressive as the postcards lead one to believe...
I lie. They're everything you'd imagine and more.
And while a photograph can only partially communicate just how beautiful it is to be standing in front of flowers that stretch out to the horizon, the thing that really got to me was the smell. I don't know why I never thought of it before, but the bulb fields smell incredible. In particular the Dutch Hyacinth, which is almost other-worldly.
The bright colors don't record that well on a digital camera sensor, which makes photographing the field a bit of a trial (where is film when you need it?), but it's still a great subject to take pictures of.
Eventually all the flowers are cut down so the bulbs can be harvested then re-used or sold...
And thus the Circle of Life begins again.
Half the time when I am traveling I'm working. The other half of the time I am playing tourist and have a schedule of things I want to see. The wonderful thing about being in Amsterdam today was that I didn't have work or an agenda... I could just wander along the canals and soak in the city.
And when it comes to aimless wandering, Amsterdam is pretty hard to top. I could do that for days and not get bored, because it's just so dang beautiful...
After a while, I came across the Anne Frank House Museum. I've tried visiting here at least three times, but the line is usually absurdly long...
But when I checked, it wasn't even around the corner. So, 35 minutes later, I finally got to see it...
It was both fascinating and heartbreaking, and now I know why people are willing to stand in line for such a long time to see it. After that I started wandering the canals again and saw this...
It didn't say anything about humans not being allowed to poop there, so I took a dump in the planter. And then... then... I saw something really bizarre. A boat dredging up bicycles from the bottom of the canal. You'd think that they might find one or two from careless people accidentally dropping them in, but you'd be wrong...
A HUGE pile of bikes. They brought up a half-dozen just as I was standing there watching...
The DutchBitch tells me that people get drunk and drive their bikes into the canals all the time, so they have to clear them out every couple of years. Scary.
I stumbled across Amsterdam's brand new Apple Store. It is absolutely glorious, featuring a glass spiral staircase that's mind-bogglingly terrifying for people like me who are afraid of heights (if only they would let me photograph it). Apple does a good job of finding beautiful buildings to build into, and this one is no exception...
After lunch with some friends in the city, I was given a coupon for Het Scheepvaart Museum (Maritime Museum) as the rain came in. It's a pretty fantastic place...
The displays they have there are incredible. I mean really incredible. I wish they had more of them...
You can also go out on an old ship, which is pretty nifty...
By the time I had finished and headed back to the train station, the sun was out again...
All in all, a perfect day of new experiences for me in Amsterdam. How sweet is that?
Today I visited the world-famous Keukenhof, "The Garden of Europe."
It is so famous that I had never heard of it before The DutchBitch suggested that we go there this morning and take photos of flowers.
Here is my assessment...
If somebody were to say "It is one of the most amazing fucking things I've ever seen in my life..." they would be underselling it.
It's that good. Huge grounds filled with meticulously maintained flowers and walkways...
Annnnnd... I'm going to have to stop before I post the entirety of the hundreds of photos I took. All of them amazing. It is impossible to take a bad photograph at The Keukenhof.
After a couple hours, all of Europe turned up at the gardens, so we decided to leave while we still had room to walk out. With time to kill, The DutchBitch drove me to the city of Leiden. Where they have a citadel!
And then it was time for PATATJES MET and an OLD CHEESE SANDWICH! Two of my most favorite things to eat.
Which makes the day just about perfect.
And so it was that we came unto the Hard Rock Cafe Amsterdam for the merriment of Bitchsterdam 3 and a grand time was had by all. The DutchBitch was there, of course, along with Breigh and her husband Xander. And I finally got to meet Invader Stu as well...
Unfortunately, the battery on my pocket camera was dead, so I only have these few photos from my iPhone. If any of us had thought to take a group photo, it would have looked something like this...
I can't wait until Bitchsterdam 4!
Today The DutchBitch says "It is a beautiful day to visit Zaanse Schans!" And, like the fool I am, I believed her. Though I suppose if you ignore the freezing winds and overcast skies, it was a beautiful day to go exploring.
Zaanse Schans is a tourist attraction north of Amsterdam with various shops and interesting things to see. But it's best known for its collection of preserved and functional windmills...
Among the attractions is a "Klompenmakerij" or "Wooden Clog Workshop" where you get to watch them make shoes...
They also have a "Kaasmakerij" or "Cheesemaker Shop" which has all kinds of delicious hand-made cheeses...
It's a nice shop... but you can't bring your chicken in with you...
And there's a gift shop with... Miffy!...
Eventually the sun started to come out a bit, so we walked down the row of windmills...
Once we were tired of goofing off in Zaanse Schans, it was time for PATATJES MET and OUDE KAAS!!
Never mind that I have eaten fried potatoes with mayo and an aged cheese sandwich every day since I've been here... you just can't get enough of a good thing.
And, just like that, my adventure in DutchyLand has come to an end. I'm off to the airport in an hour.
And so I am in Hamburg now.
Though I have been to Germany many times, this is my first trip to the northern part of the country. I was actually supposed to go to Bremen, but there's not a shiny new Hard Rock Cafe in Bremen, so I decided on a detour. This ended up being quite a nice excursion, because Hamburg is a lovely city... if a bit hostile to the non-German-speaking traveler. Unlike Cologne, Berlin, Munich, there's not a lot of signage or help available in English. I'm guessing that this is due to Hamburg not being a big foreign tourist destination, but it's puzzling that the touristy advertisements and touristy spots don't have at least something in English.
As an example, here's a poster ad in one of the most touristed train station in the city (Landungsbrüken) for a very popular attraction: "The Hamburg Dungeon." ...
All that space, and they couldn't bother to put even a line of English to help a brother out? NEIN!
But I wasn't here to play tourist so, after my work was through at 11:00, I headed directly to the Hard Rock Cafe. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200...
For being one of the "new style" cafes, I was surprised to find that they actually did a decent job of packing in the memorabilia. Far from being the sparse rock museum wasteland we've been getting, there was a nice and varied assortment. This is not to say that there are not oddities, however. Marc warned me about the mirror-finish of the bathroom urinals, but it's not something you can truly appreciate until you have actually pissed in it...
Having an entire audience watching you pee from a photograph is borderline-traumatic. But, sure enough, my junk was clearly reflected for all of Hamburg to see. On a busy Saturday night, I can only guess that somebody walking into the urinal would be greeted by a giant wall of dicks. I'm not exactly shy, but THAT'S traumatic!
On my list of things to see was St. Michael's St. Nicholas' Cathedral... which has been destroyed and rebuilt multiple times, only to finally be destroyed for good during WWI and WWII. You can buy an elevator ticket to the top of the one remaining tower, but my fear of heights coupled with my FEAR OF BEING ON TOP OF A BOMBED OUT TOWER WHEN IT COLLAPSES meant that wasn't going to happen...
From there I walked to City Hall, which is a really beautiful building...
I then went to a man-made lake area called "Aster." It has a really beautiful view but, as if that weren't enough, it also has an Apple Store...
From there it was time to visit the ONE "must-see" attraction on my list... MINIATUR WUNDERLAND! It appeared on a Travel Chanel show a while back and really appealed to the model-train lover in me. Of course, the trains are only a small part of the experience. There a multiple dioramas created from famous places in the world that are painstakingly detailed...
And the closer you get, the more details you see...
And the details are not just in the models. It seems that every scene is telling a story. You might see emergency vehicles lit up in one area... only to turn a corner and see that they're headed to a house fire or something...
They sneak in little jokes and pop culture references sometimes as well. As I was examining model cars involved in some kind of countryside race, I found Herbie the Love Bug in the lead, having to stop for some sheep...
Another interesting bit is that all the dioramas cycle from daylight to dusk to night to dawn and back to daylight... with computer-controlled lights providing the appropriate sunlight simulation and the lighting in the buildings, cars, trucks, and such. Here's the airport, going from evening to dawn as I walked around it...
As the airport is one of the newest additions to Miniatur Wunderland, it's fairly complex. The planes move around and everything. Even better, they give you an underground view to the U-Bahn (subway) station...
One of my favorite sections was the rock concert diorama, complete with performers, working video screens, and a massive audience...
No detail is spared... right down to the portable toilets...
The USA is represented, but it's been boiled down to Las Vegas and some kind of red rocks diorama that looks more like Disneyland than the American Southwest, but it's still pretty cool...
Miniatur Wunderland is also kind of educational. In the diorama for Hamburg, the building where the new Hard Rock is now located was apparently home to a skating rink on the roof at one time...
From there I headed to the central part of the city so I could visit the famous Hamburger Kunsthalle Art Museum but, alas it was closed on Mondays. I can only guess that tourists in Hamburg don't go out on Mondays? Oh... no... when I was there I saw other tourists leaving in disappointment too. Not the smartest move on the museum's part, but it's their money to lose, I suppose.
And speaking of the Hard Rock...
When I mentioned a while back that I was sad I wouldn't be reaching my goal of 150 Hard Rock property visits this year, I got a comment from Katharina telling me I should come to her city of Hamburg where they have a new cafe.
Little did she know...
"I WILL BE THERE IN TWELVE DAYS!" I replied.
And she was kind enough to meet me for dinner tonight! Which is why I will have a hard time ever giving up Blogography no matter how passé blogging becomes. Because of blogging, I really have made friends all over the world. No matter where I end up, there's always somebody I can hang out with.
And now I'm back at my hotel packing my backpack for the journey back to the Netherlands tomorrow morning.
Good bye, Hamburg.
The problem with mid-day plane schedules is that they pretty much kill your day. My 12:30 flight was too early for me to run into Hamburg and do something... but too late for me to arrive into Amsterdam and do anything. Which means I was kinda stuck.
So I decided to sit in my airport hotel room and get caught up on work. Which was a great idea... until I fell asleep. Usually when I feel there's that possibility, I set my alarm clock. But today I didn't for some reason. Which was pretty stupid.
Nothing quite like the adrenaline rush of getting to the gate with a mere ten minutes to spare.
But it all worked out in the end.
I made it back to DutchyLand in time for one last order of PATATJES MET and an aged cheese sandwich with the Dutch Bitch.
Not the worst way I could have spent the last day of vacation.
For a long flight, my first concern is always comfort. With my 6'2" height, it can be a pretty big deal to be cooped up for 10-1/2 hours in a steel tube being hurled across the Atlantic Ocean when my legs are cramped up. But my frequent flier status allowed me a nice upgrade with plenty of legroom, so this wasn't an issue.
My second concern is time. 10-1/2 hours has to be spent doing something and, since I can't sleep on planes, it ain't going to be sleeping. Usually I just watch whatever movies they have available, but they were all films I'd already seen or wasn't interested in. Fortunately, I had purchased some iTunes programs to occupy my head during the trip.
And here's where I go bananas over television shows.
The Dutch Bitch and I were watching The Daily Show when Ricky Gervais was a guest. I'm a big fan of his, so I was really looking forward to his interview. Turns out he was there to pimp two shows... The Ricky Gervais Show and An Idiot Abroad. Much to my surprise, The Ricky Gervais Show ended up being animated. They took funny podcasts that Ricky made with his friends Steven Merchant and Karl Pilkington, and made them even funnier by turning them into cartoons...
Now, here's where things get interesting. The show does not really revolve around Ricky Gervais. It is totally centered around Karl Pilkington. And this frame from the intro tells you absolutely everything you need to know from the show...
Ricky and Steven get Karl to start talking about something, then wait to hear what hilarious things comes out of his mouth. And while Ricky and Steven waste no opportunity to tell Karl how stupid he is for how he thinks about stuff, I can honestly say that Karl Pilkington may be one of the most intriguing thinkers on the planet. His every word transcends logic to reach a level of genius that is absolutely mind-boggling...
I can't tell you how many times I had people staring at me because I kept busting out laughing at the show. It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and is easily one of the most entertaining shows ever made for television (well, not television, HBO).
I bought both seasons iTunes had available. The first season is gold. The second is even funnier. They are a steal in Standard Definition for $20 each (Hi-Def is a waste, as the cartoons are low-res). If you'd rather spend $0 to get a taste of the show, you can subscribe to The Ricky Gervais Show Podcast. New episodes from the third season start airing on HBO come this Friday.
But The Ricky Gervais Show was just the beginning.
Turns out that Ricky and Steven also created a travel show for Karl Pilkington where they send him around the world to see stuff so that he can "broaden his mind." The first season is all about having Karl visit the Seven Wonders of the World...
And here's where I get confused, because Karl Pilkington is exactly the kind of traveler I usually hate. He complains about everything and isn't happy with anything that isn't the same as it is back home. Ricky and Steven take full advantage of this by getting him into situations they know will freak him out. That's where the funny bits happen, though sometimes I just end up feeling sorry for the guy. Because even with the camera crew following him around and taking care of him, there are times he is clearly out of his depth. The culture shock is overwhelming to him, and forcing him into more and more crazy situations seems almost cruel. Like force-feeding him something he just can't fathom eating...
While he was in India, Karl got to experience something I long to see... the day of Holi. It's a remarkable Hindu festival of sheer joy and celebration that I have been dreaming of for decades. Brightly colored powders fill the air, and people of all ages, social status, and wealth join together in a giant two-day party. If I had a bucket list, Holi would easily be in my top five.
Karl, of course, didn't like it at all...
Instead of focusing on what a unique and amazing experience he's lucky enough to get to join in on, he focuses on his £70 trainers (sneakers) getting ruined. This immediately pisses me off, because people like this should just stay home. Stop traveling, because all you do is make it hard for the rest of us who love it.
All the complaining, disparaging comments, and idiocy would ordinarily turn me off in a big way. It's the reason I fucking hate the show The Amazing Race. But I find An Idiot Abroad to be absolutely fascinating. Karl Pilkington may be a crotchety Englishman who sums up his entire time in India by saying "I hated it"... but he's also decent, kind, and caring at heart. He so obviously doesn't mean to be offensive or irritating that it's hard to stay mad at him. There are several moments throughout the series where you catch glimpses of Karl trying his best to give it a go and embrace the culture, and it's what has me loving the show so much. In the afore-mentioned Holi celebration, people are pelting him with colors while he protests. But then you see a little girl who can't reach him, so he bends down and lets her dump color on his head...
I am guessing that there are a lot of moments like this but, since they aren't "funny," they get edited out of the show. Yet somehow they manage to keep just enough of Karl being a decent bloke to keep An Idiot Abroad from being a total disaster.
And then there's the sights...
On the flight home, I devoured all of Season One plus half of Season Two, and the time (literally) just flew by.
I give both An Idiot Abroad and The Ricky Gervais Show my highest possible recommendation...
And so ends my week of vacation and the wonderful thing that was Bitchsterdam 3.
Airplane food is never going to raise any bars for stunning cuisine. Not to say that it can't be good... I've had some amazing meals in-flight... but that most of the time it's just there and something to eat when you're hungry, not something to be enjoyed.
My first meal yesterday was a nice rice dish with some kind of pea mash that I thought sounded great, so far as vegetarian options go. But the peas were inundated with so much mint that it was like chewing a stick of gum with all the wrong textures, so I didn't end up eating it. Instead I ate a small roll that was on the tray.
The second meal I got was a bag with a tiny sandwich and an apple in it. By this point I was pretty hungry, but the roll on my sandwich was sopping wet and disgusting, so all I got was a small apple.
After 8-1/2 hours with nothing but a piece of bread and a dwarf fruit in my stomach, I was hungry enough to eat just about anything. So when my third (and final) meal of a roasted vegetable sandwich was put in front of me, I tore into it. The bread was actually nice and crusty... but the vegetable mix in the middle tasted metallic and kind of funky. That should have been a red flag, but I ate it anyway because I was famished.
Then proceeded to be sick to my stomach almost immediately.
So instead of driving straight home over the mountains yesterday, I instead crashed at my sister's place so I could recover and drive directly to work this morning.
Where, despite having two (nearly) back-to-back vacations, it felt as if I never left.
If not for the photographs I took, it hardly seems as though I were gone at all.
Which means now I need a vacation.
I'm droppin' bullets like Benjamins, yo, because Bullet Sunday starts... now.
• Bitchsterdam. An overdue thank you to The DutchBitch for an awesome Bitchsterdam 3 blogger event. I've been to the Netherlands many times, but she managed to find some fantastic touristy stuff that I've never seen before... including a visit to the amazing Keukenhof gardens. Easily worth a ten-hour flight. Here's hoping she can be convinced to have Bitchsterdam 4! If, for no other reason, than I can attempt to use words like "geesteswetenschappen" in a sentence again...
It apparently means "humanities"... OR DOES IT?!? You just don't know!
• Superiority. And speaking of DutchyLand... I fully accept that the United States of America is the greatest country in the world and all those other freedom-hating backwater countries don't matter and have nothing to contribute. I mean... I kind of have to don't I? The minute an American even implies that other countries are relevant to world affairs and have wonderful cultural contributions to be made, FOX "News" will brand them an American-hating traitor. And heaven forbid that you happen to be the president and have an appreciation for other countries' contribution to the planet. That's enough for FOX "News" to demand your impeachment!
However...
Call me a traitor if you must, but creamy and delicious Dutch mayonnaise is so fucking superior to the gelatinous glop we call "mayonnaise" here in the U.S. that it's not even funny. This trip I checked a suitcase, which meant I was able to bring home a bunch of the stuff. So now I can fry up some fries for PATATJES MET at home...
PATATJES MET!!! Amazing. Whoever decides to market a superior Dutch mayo here is going to make millions. Millions!!
• WHAT?!? And speaking of fries... have you heard that browning potatoes creates a cancer-causing chemical called "acrylamide" that makes them deadly to eat? Can you believe this shit? Why is it that everything that tastes good ends up killing you? This is so not fair. PATATJES MET OR DEATH?!? I can't answer that.
• Earth! Ooh! It's Earth Day! That one day out of the year where people pretend to give a shit about our planet! Including me. Despite it being 82° out today, I rolled down my window instead of turning on the air conditioner in my car. That totally counts, right?
• Television. Kind of gutted that two of my favorite new shows, Awake and The Finder are not getting the ratings they need for renewal. Instead they'll be cancelled and replaced by a reality show or some other stupid-ass crap that doesn't require thought from the American viewing public. And who knows what's going to happen to Fringe, which had a game-changing episode on Friday. It's almost to the point where I'm afraid to get invested in good television anymore...
And, on that sad note, I've gotta go tempt death by having another plate of PATATJES MET!
For years... decades, really... I've been collecting travel guides. Most of the time I would buy the old editions on sale when the new editions were released. The only thing that seemed to change were the hotel and restaurant listings, so it didn't make sense to pay full price for information I wasn't going to use. Because back then, actually getting to go to all these places was nothing more than a dream. I bought the books so I could pretend that I was planning a trip to exotic locations around the globe.
Then I stopped pretending and started actually going. Which is when my travel library came in handy.
But then the internet started taking over and I was referring to guidebooks less and less. And once the iPhone was unleashed, I had the entire internet in my pocket and stopped using physical travel guides altogether.
So why keep them?
Sentimental reasons, I guess. I look up at the bookshelf and it's a reminder of my travel dreams and all the places I want to go. But then this morning I actually started looking at them. Out of seventy-two books, only three of them were places I haven't yet been: Peru, India, and Cambodia...
There are plenty of other places I want to visit, but these are the three that are left staring down at me from the shelf. So I'm keeping them... for sentimental reasons, I guess... and throwing out the rest.
Hopefully one day I can visit Peru, India, and Cambodia so I can toss those books in the trash bin as well.
At which point I'll have to buy new books that I can aspire to throw out.
Years ago I was wandering around a residential neighborhood in Osaka, Japan looking for a restaurant that was recommended to me. Far away from places that tourists might frequent, the natives were shocked and dismayed at this tall foreigner in their midst. I had been to Japan often enough that the double-takes, stares, and whispers didn't bother me anymore, but the feeling of "not belonging" was always there.
As I tried my best to navigate Japan's bizarre address system and find the building I was looking for, I ran across a young boy standing outside a small group of people. Not wanting to alarm anybody, I smiled at him and picked up my pace a bit so I could pass by. But escape wasn't so easy. Mouth agape, the boy asked if I was a "gai-jin" ("foreign person") as I approached.
All conversation by the group of people stopped immediately as they turned and looked at us. A couple of them had faces frozen in horror, as if I were going to eat the kid or something.
"Yes," I replied. "But I'm a friendly monster, so it's okay."
Hearing a foreigner speaking Japanese is usually cause for confusion. But once that wore off, a few smiles and guffaws escaped the crowd. Then a 20-something man piped up in his wonderful Japanese directness and asked "Why are you here?"
"I am looking for a restaurant," I said, as I held out a slip of paper with the address written on it.
After a quick look, the man replied "It's there!" and pointed across the street, one block down.
I thanked him for his help, retrieved the address with a slight bow, then started to walk down the street... only to have the man walk alongside. Apparently he decided to accompany me to my destination and make sure I arrived safely. But that wasn't all. When I glanced behind me, I noticed that the entire group was following us. Albeit slowly... and at a distance.
It was a surprisingly uncomfortable situation but, fortunately, it didn't last long. A few minutes later we arrived, so I thanked the man again and said goodbye. Across the street, the group of people were waving at me, so I waved back with a quick bow and escaped into the restaurant.
After dinner I poked my head out to see if they had waited for me, but they were gone.
I guess even friendly monsters end up alone eventually.
This is one of those times where every cent of my paycheck was already spoken for.
Which would usually be upsetting, but it's a direct result of spending a week goofing off in Europe after having just gotten back from two weeks vacation, so I'm perfectly okay with it.
Even so, you can imagine my excitement as I was rearranging books on my shelves only to have a 1000 Korean Won note fell to the floor. It had apparently been used as a bookmark. Or maybe I just stuck it between some books because it was pretty and I wanted to flatten it out for a souvenir...
However it got there, the only thing running through my mind now was... MONEY!
But how much? Maybe $20... probably more like $10... but wouldn't it be cool if it was $100? I had no idea, so I rushed to fire up a currency conversion app on my iPhone.
Only to discover that 1000 Won is 89¢ in US money. Which, coincidentally enough, is almost exactly the same as when I was last in Seoul back in September 2004. That's not as good as the $1.10 I would have gotten in November of 2007... but certainly not as bad as the 64¢ I would have got back in March of 2009.
In any event, whether it's $1.10 or 89¢ or 64¢, that doesn't do much for my cash on hand. Especially once exchange fees are paid.
Thank heavens for credit cards, because it's time to shop.
With the exception of grocery stores, it's getting to the point where I rarely shop at brick-n-mortar stores any more. Everything I need to buy is purchased off the internets. But I got a $10 coupon back when I paid for my eye exam at Shopko (where everything is always on sale!) and it's expiring today, so I decided to stop in and see if I could spend the $50 required to use my coupon. Sure I'm poor just now, but you gotta spend money to save money!
I ended up buying new bed sheets (on sale!) and a PUR water filtration pitcher (on sale!). This was just enough to get my $10 savings, so I was pretty happy.
Until...
Just for kicks, I checked pricing when I got home... only to find that even with the $10 coupon, I ended up paying $1.30 more than if I had bought online (and that includes shipping!). Add in money for gas and my time and I definitely lost-out on the deal.
Oh well. Live and learn.
But I'm pretty sure I learned that already.
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