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Megalodon

Posted on August 5th, 2013

Dave!Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK 2013 started today!

And so I plop myself in front of the television to watch their all new shark-tacular Shark Week special... Megalodon: The Monster Shark That Lives... only to find something that wasn't SHARK EXTREME as expected... but a load of horse shit. Instead of being some kind of scientific exploration of one of the most brutal killing machines that ever lived, it's some kind of fictional Blair-Witch "found footage" garbage which tries to convince people that a mega-shark that went extinct millions of years ago is actually alive and terrorizing people even today. Which explains the odd title of the program.

Wondering what the bloody fuck was going on, I do what I usually do when I want to find out about something happening right now... I turn to Twitter. And there it is, courtesy of Wil Wheaton...

Well crap. The write-up at Discover along with Wil Wheaton's comments pretty much sum up how horrible this situation is. What was once a brilliant television channel dedicated to science and education has ended up dredging the gutters of "trash entertainment" in a pathetic ratings grab.

Kind of puts a damper on something I look forward to all year...

Shark Week 2013 Destroyed

On Saturday I spent 20 minutes on my DVR going through Discovery Channel's entire week of programming to record all the great new shark stuff (along with old favorites) so I wouldn't miss anything. I'm not going to dump all that work in some kind of boycott (as a lot of people are doing), but I am going to be watching with a lot less enthusiasm knowing what Discovery Channel has become.

We live in an age of scientific discovery that's both wonderful and fascinating.

But that's not enough to entertain the huddled masses.

Is this what we've come to? Really? Our "science facts" have to be sensationalized with bullshit or else nobody cares?

Apparently.

And I really shouldn't be surprised. We've got "news" channels with very little actual news, "music" channels that don't play any actual music, and now "science" channels that don't feel the need to air actual science.

I suppose the next step is to have science channels denying science.

I weep for the future, I really do.

   
UPDATE: And... point made. So many people have been passing this crap off as a real story that Snopes had to make an article about it. The huddled masses are so gullible to believe anything on their television... especially something on a "reputable" educational "science" channel... that it doesn't matter how outrageous or crazy the tale. Of course, it's not like anybody ever bothers to verify what they see on TV, even though the internet makes it easy and nearly instantaneous to do so. Unless people start forwarding the Snopes page at the rate they forwarded the Megalodon story, it doesn't make any difference. A giant extinct shark is actually terrorizing the seas.

   

Bullet Sunday 291: Portlandia 3

Posted on August 12th, 2012

Dave!Put away that razor and pull on those socks and Birkenstocks... because Bullet Sunday LIVE from Portland, Oregon starts... now...

   
• Olympic. I would have paid serious money for Bob Costas and Ryan Seacrest to shut the fuck up during the Olympic Closing Ceremonies. Seriously, nobody wants to hear your inane and unnecessary banter. People who don't already know the artist and/or song being performed, or what the British flag looks like, or when the "comedic part of the show" starts, or whatever... isn't going to give a shit, so just stop because you're pissing off the rest of us that do.

Anyway... the mix of musicians was interesting and the performances were top-notch, so I guess that's all you can really hope for. As an 80's music whore and pop music fan, seeing Pet Shop Boys, George Michael, Annie Lennox, Bond, Spice Girls(!), Queen, ELO, and Take That... all in a single event... all with a giant octopusmobile AND ERIC IDLE... was pretty great (alas, no nod to punk?).

Spice Olympics
Spicey Olympics Photo by Hassan Ammar/AP

So congratulations to London and the U.K. for delivering a big "fuck you" to Mitt Romney by being the perfect host for the games... I'm just sorry that here in the Colonies, NBC felt the need to butcher your event and slap bad commentary over everything while injecting "human interest" stories that (for the most part) were neither human nor interesting. Hopefully we'll have better luck in 2016...

Rio 2016

...but I doubt it.

   
• Rozilla. While I still find the Comedy Central Roasts entertaining, it seems like it's more washed-up celebrity than heavy hitters in comedy any more. I mean, it's Rosanne for Pete's sake...

Rosanne Roasted

The opportunity to roast her should have brought out some of the biggest names in comedy. Instead we get Carrie Fisher, Ellen Barkin(?), and Seth Green(?!?). A completely missed opportunity. The surprise appearance by Tom Arnold was (surprisingly) a good thing... and Amy Schumer keeps getting funnier, so I guess there's that. But this pale imitation of the glory days of the Friar's Club Roasts is just kind of sad. If they can't do better than this for somebody like Rosanne then they should just hang it up.

   
• Totally. And so I went to see Total Recall (the Total 2012 Remake). It wasn't bad. It had good action, good special effects, and a nice Blade Runner-esque environment that pretty much sold the future. And there were a few nods to the original film that were great (TWO WEEKS!)...

Total Recall 2012

The problem? It just wasn't any fun. On the contrary, it was essentially joyless, and I'm not sure how it ended up that way with so much going for it. Kate Beckinsale was delicious, as usual. And I thought Colin Farrell did a great job. So I dunno. Maybe the Arnold Schwarzenegger original was just too well done? Paul Verhoeven really knocked it out of the park, creating a film that totally holds up and doesn't need a remake. But it's not like that has ever stopped Hollywood.

   
• Kubert. I was very sad to learn that comic book icon Joe Kubert has died. Talk about somebody who made a mark in his field. The guy was a true artist and comic book master. I remember his Hawkman stories very well, and always enjoyed it when he popped up in unexpected places.

Hawkman

Rest in peace, Mr. Kubert.

   
• Crazy. As much as I try to ignore the freak show, Pat Robertson seems to be echoing the same bullshit that I keep hearing from other homophobic morons who are twisting The Bible to justify their hate, so here he goes...

First of all, IT'S NOT ABOUT A CHICKEN SANDWICH OR A MILKSHAKE, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. It's not even about some rich asshole's right to give money to groups which fosters an environment so horrible that gay youth are killing themselves. It's about people choosing to not support a company whose profits support such un-American ideals as DENYING EQUALITY TO EVERYONE. Why is it that hate groups like "One Million Moms" can call for all kinds of boycotts against things you don't like and that's okay, but when somebody else calls for a boycott against something you do like, they're "attacking freedom?"

Second of all, cherry-picking only those things out of The Book of Leviticus which you think supports your hateful crap makes for a laughably hypocritical and ignorant "Christian." Where is your outrage for all the other antiquated and ignored parts of The Bible which get violated every single day? Where's the righteous hate towards those wearing an article of clothing woven from two different threads, for example? Not that it matters. Here in the United States of America people don't have to live by the warped, edited, and totally biased interpretation of a religious document that's been butchered by an addle-minded old bigot with a television show. YOU live by it if you want to, that's your right. But keep in mind that it's everybody else's right to tell you to go fuck yourself and live the way they want to. Freedom. You may want to go look it up sometime.

And, thirdly, I defy... I defy an infertile woman married to an infertile man to bring forth a baby from that part of the anatomy which they concentrate on. I also defy you to comprehend that you can't categorize somebody's relationship eligibility by whether or not their body parts can make a baby. Not according to Christianity, and most certainly not according to the law. It's a very simple concept, and yet you keep avoiding it because the alternative is to come out and admit the truth... you just "hate those filthy homosexuals" and don't feel they deserve any rights because they don't live the way you want them to. Holy crap what a pathetic coward you are that you don't even have the balls to come out and say it.

So why don't you be the one to shut your mouth? People here in the 21st century are getting sick and tired of religion being used as an excuse for intolerance and hatred. This country is starting to move past your tired old message of bigotry and exclusion. Freedom of religion also means freedom from religion, and this country was based on that ideal. If you can't handle that, feel free to get the fuck out of the USA and go start a country of your own. That way, I won't have to keep seeing your stupid America-hating, freedom-defiling, equality-bashing ass pop up any time you say something new and crazy. Which, apparently, is constantly.

   
• EXTREME! Dude! SHARK WEEK STARTS TODAY!!

Shark Extreme Melon

I wish I knew who created this beyond-awesome fruit carving, because they totally deserve recognition for crafting the most shark extreme watermelon ever. The gummi-fish are a nice touch.

   
And now? Seacrest out.

At last.

   

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