I'm a huge fan of rice cakes.
When you eat as much unhealthy crap as I do, you'd learn to love them too. They make a nice alternative from unhealthy crap when you feel the need to lay off the unhealthy crap.
And if that's you, I've decided to rank all the Quaker Rice Cakes flavors for you...
- CHOCOLATE. My hands-down favorite. Tastes chocolatey, but not too chocolatey or too sweet. I seriously love these things, and would often rather have them than a candy bar. You just have to remember to eat them up-side-down so the little chocolate chips melt on your tongue as you eat them for best effect. DID YOU KNOW... if you put vanilla frosting on them, they taste like crunchy chocolate cake!
- BUTTERED POPCORN. Not actually popcorn-flavored... at least not to me, but they do have a pleasing salty crunch that I'd rather eat instead of chips. Not popcorn though... Skinny Pop Popcorn still have these beat. DID YOU KNOW... if you spread actual butter on them, then pop them in the microwave for five seconds (or just BEFORE the butter starts to melt) they're actually pretty amazing.
- APPLE CINNAMON. Look, it's never going to come close to taking the place of apple pie... or even apple crisp... but thesand if you dip them in caramel sauce, they are unbelievably tasty. Like a crunchy dessert or something.
- CARAMEL. One of my most favorite rice cake flavors was Cracker Jack. I don't know what happened, but I can't find those any more. They were not terribly Cracker-Jack-like (no peanuts!) but had an actual butter-toffee taste that was vaguely reminiscent of America's fun-time snack. The caramel flavor is kinda-like Cracker Jack except it's got a dash of caramel flavoring to it. Unfortunately, it's a bit artificial-tasting, but it's certainly not terrible. DID YOU KNOW... drizzling these with a sugar-glaze and pecan pieces makes them taste pretty phenomenal.
- WHITE CHEDDAR. I'm going to put this out there... White Cheddar used to be my favorite rice cake flavor. They were almost mouth-puckering sharp which went a long way towards compensating for any hint of actual cheese flavor. But then something happened. Quaker drastically toned-down the "sharp" for whatever reason, and I found I didn't like them nearly as much. Also... like the Apple Cinnamon flavor... these fall apart easily and often come out of the package as crumbs. Very disappointing. DID YOU KNOW... if you melt actual cheddar cheese over these under a broiler (NEVER a microwave) they're great. If you dip the cheddar-covered rice cakes in warm pizza sauce, they're amazeballs.
- LIGHTLY SALTED. Not necessarily "boring," per se, but not very exciting either. I only buy them for those rare times I'm not feeling the other flavors. DID YOU KNOW... if you run out of clean dishes and have no cones, you can eat ice cream off of these? Useful!
- UNSALTED. Don't even bother. Fucking atrocious. DID YOU KNOW... nothing can save these. Nothing. Maybe sprinkling them with salt, spread them with butter, add a slice of cheese, then top with red pepper flakes... maybe that will help. I dunno.
And there you have it. All my favorite rice cakes.
Keep healthy-snacking, people!