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Crackers

Posted on Thursday, December 9th, 2010

Dave!I am not offended by foul language. If you've read my blog, met me in person, heard me interviewed on web radio, or listened to my live comedy album, you probably already knew this.

Even so, I try to be very careful about not using curse words in mixed company. Just because I have no problem swearing like a drunken ten-year-old doesn't mean I want to force my potty-mouth on innocent people. I'm a fucking saint that way.

So... when a public conversation calls for a profanity-laden explicative, what to do?

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey swearing

Well, if you're me you wing it.

Unfortunately, I'm not good at "winging" anything, so my improvisational cursing never goes well.

Today in a rushed search for a replacement word for "crap" I somehow came up with "crackers." Yes, crackers. And that's not even my worst offense. A couple of weeks ago I managed "frog" for "fuck."

Clearly this is a big frogging problem.

Isn't there a translation dictionary for stuff like this so I can faux-swear properly? If not, there really should be.

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Comments

  1. Jeff says:

    You can always fall back to “Frak”. The censors didn’t mind. Twice.

  2. I’ve found “frak” pretty much works for everything. Frak the frakin’ Lords of Kobol for that pile of frak.

  3. I like “crackers”. It’s kind of cute, if you’re an 80 year old grandmother 🙂

  4. Megan says:

    On another blog I read, the writer is attempting to swear less so she substitutes cuss words with the names of illegal drugs (so she says).

    Crack cocaine!

  5. I imagine Adam probably has one!

    I like saying “What the French, Toast?”

  6. Poppy says:

    If there isn’t one then that’s a frogging pile of crackers and someone needs to hop on baking one.

    doh. ok, bye.

  7. martymankins says:

    Replacement words for public consumption is something I try to do as well. Especially if there are younger ears around (don’t care to recreate that Seinfeld episode).

    The word here in Utah that replaces fuck is “fetch” It’s pretty common to hear “Oh fetch” Which cracks me up because while fetch is a kinder word, it’s nothing more than a replacement for fuck.

  8. the muskrat says:

    I don’t have a problem with “crap” in front of kids. So, problem solved!

  9. doctawife says:

    As pediatrician, I’m kind of an expert at this.

    Some of my favorites:

    -Son of a biscut!
    -Son of a motherless goat!
    -GOD… bless America. This is usually after someone runs over my foot with a gurney or something and the first bit escapes before I can censor it. With this one, it’s important to decrease your volume and change your tone from pissed to reasonable by the end of the phrase. Parents aren’t fooled, but usually the child is.
    -Fug! Again, I only use this if the first bit escapes before I can stop it.
    -In any situation where I would normally say, “Well, shit!” I substitute, “Well, poop!” No less scatological, but somehow less offensive. (‘Cause you know, everybody poops!)

  10. Hilly says:

    This reminds me of when I said “fuck” really loudly at Rio City Cafe and that lady gave me a dirty look! I say “holy schmoley” and “fudge monkey” a ton lately. I may have to adopt the cracker saying too!

  11. Tracy says:

    Just Google “Mormon swear words”. You’ll come up with a ton of faux swears.

  12. Suebob says:

    I’m trying to bring back “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” one of my mom’s favorites. It’s not a sub swear word but it has such a sepia-toned feel about it that I love it.

    LIVE COMEDY ALBUM?? That would be all I want for Christmas.

  13. Sybil Law says:

    Dude.
    My daughter is having a sleepover right now, and they all know that I am lax with bad words. (I think the thrill of saying it as a kid is harmless, as long as it isn’t constant). Anyway, so I walked past her room and they were like, “Shit!”, so of course I looked in. The thing was, they were just saying bad words and laughing. You know who was yelling the most? The kid whose parents would DIE if they knew. I told her if she told them I would be pissed. Haha

  14. Sarah says:

    Ha! You’re cute.

  15. whall says:

    I learned from my 9th grade teacher Mrs. Zamora that profanity was what uneducated lazy people used because they lacked the proper vocabulary and sense of self-worth to express themselves intelligently.

    I still believe that.

    If you don’t agree, you’re a fucking moron.

  16. I could really use some help with using replacement words. Quickly, too, before Noah really starts talking… Yikes!

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