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Posted on Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Dave!Is there such a thing as "ass etiquette?"

If not, there really should be. Especially in this day and age of escalating passenger counts and increasingly limited personal space on planes. I am getting sick and tired of having people's asses in my face when I fly. It's as if people forget that they even have a stanky old ass in back, and are perfectly happy to ram it into people without a thought. Today was the absolute worst yet, as I ended up with more asses in my face than when I attended Madi Gras, and that's saying something.

From what I can tell, there are five problem areas...

   
• SEAT SCOOTERS!
These are the people who don't forget they have an ass... they just think that their ass is so small that they can move it through areas that they actually can't. Picture This: there I am sitting in my aisle seat when the woman next to me by the window gets up and says "let me scoot past you here!" and then proceeds to wedge her ass into my face as she makes a futile effort to work her way past my knees. Yes, I realize that it's an exit row... but I'm 6-foot-2, and it's just not going to happen. This results in my yelling "WAIT! I'LL MOVE! I'LL MOVE!!!" like a crazy person, as I scramble to unbuckle myself and get her denim-stained butt off of me. Not cool.
SOLUTION: Just ask the person blocking you to move if you need to get out. If it's a choice between having to get up or having to get ass in the face, I'm happy to move.

   
• AISLE TALKERS!
These are the morons who discover somebody they know on the flight, and decide that they simply MUST have an annoyingly lengthy conversation with them or else they'll fucking DIE. Unfortunately, the person they want to talk to is nowhere near their seat, so they have to stand in the aisle to talk to them. Now, this is annoying, but I have music on my iPhone, so I can drown out their stupid shit. What I can't drown out is their ass in my face, because they turn 90-degrees in the aisle to talk. This time it was particularly egregious, because the idiot decided to do bending and flexing exercises, planting his ass square into the side of my head. SO not cool.
SOLUTION: If you simply must talk to somebody from the aisle, stand in front of them with your ass pointed at the cockpit, not in the poor bastard's face across the aisle.

   
• KIDDIE WRANGLERS!
It's bad enough when people have to take their hyperactive brats on a flight, but it's a hundred times worse when they decide to bend over and hold their hands as they walk them up and down the aisles to keep them occupied... thus bumping their asses into every person unfortunate enough to sit in an aisle seat. NO we don't think it's adorable... we just want you to sit the fuck down and stop rubbing your asses on us! Do not want.
SOLUTION: Drug your kid, give them a bottle of whiskey, or buy them a Nintendo to play with... don't use the cabin as a Romper Room because you don't have the imagination to keep your hellspawn occupied in their seat.

   
• LUGGAGE OVERLOADERS!
These are the fucking pieces of shit that ignore the 1+1 rule, and decide to drag everything they fucking own down the narrow aisle to get to their seat in the back of the plane. ONE ITEM plus ONE PERSONAL ITEM does NOT mean a one suitcase plus one laptop case plus one purse plus one makeup kit plus one shopping bag plus one luggage roller plus one Kindle carrier plus one neck pillow plus one bag of takeout from McDonalds. THAT'S NINE FUCKING THINGS YOU DUMBASS MORON!! And you know how that person manages to get all that shit down the aisle? By laboriously shuffling and dragging it down the walkway, swinging their crap and their lazy asses into every aisle seat on the way down. How can you possibly watch your ass when you're having to juggle NINE pieces of shit? Well, considering they can't even count to TWO, the odds are overwhelmingly against them. Not only uncool, but incredibly douchey.
SOLUTION: Learn to fucking count and only bring the ONE fucking carry-on-sized bag and ONE fucking personal item that you're told you can bring on! That way you can pay attention to where your shit and, more importantly, your ass is ending up.

   
• ASS STICKERS!
These are the worst of the worst... people who inexplicably STICK THEIR ASSES IN YOUR FACE ON PURPOSE! I know it seems unbelievable, but I assure you they exist. Because some people's asses end up on you when there is absolutely NO earthly reason for them to be there. They either get some kind of perverse sexual thrill from sticking their asses where they don't belong... or just feel like being assholes with their assholes. Whatever the reason, they simply can't seem to resist putting their ass in your face. Beyond not cool and entering the realm of the ninth circle of hell.
SOLUTION: Seek therapy and don't fly. Ever.

   
I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones that happened to me today.

Now I should probably try to get some sleep... if I can keep from having horrible nightmares of random strangers sticking their disease-ridden asses in my face. Blergh.

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Categories: Travel 2010Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Sarah says:

    I usually pick window seats and one time I had to get up and use the bathroom so I asked the person in the aisle seat if he could move (because I couldn’t squeeze by) and he wouldn’t! He said I was rude for waking him up. I nearly peed my pants.

    So, um, there’s that. I hope your next flight has a lot less butt-face action.

  2. Christopher Stogdill says:

    Have you been reading my travel tweets? I am often plagued by asses.

  3. Crail00 says:

    Great post; especially about Luggage Overloaders. My wife and I experienced and were astounded at all the extra luggage carried on board; and that applied to all flights to and from Maui.

  4. Sizzle says:

    So you could say you got a lot of ass on your trip? Just kidding!

  5. You forgot the Ass Spreaders! Those people who think they are rail thin, but aren’t, squeeze themselves into the tiny coach seat, then ask you, “Can you put the seat arm up? It cuts into my side.”, then they proceed to ooze their ass over into the seat you paid for!!! WTH man?!? I’ve stopped being nice anymore. If you’re that uncomfortable, spring for the double seat or first class.

  6. LeSombre says:

    Sure, it’s bad in planes, but someone once farted on me in a Starbucks. Backed his ass right on my shoulder and farted.

    True story.

    http://lesombre.ca/2008/08/26/is-that-what-they-meant-by-venti/

  7. Robin says:

    It’s the luggage overloaders that make me crazy. I have the courtesy to check my bag (and paid to check it) and everyone else has to bring everything they own on board and cram it in the overhead next to my briefcase? Not cool.

  8. A. Lewis says:

    Don’t get me started. We’ll be here all day long.

  9. I have only been on an airplane once with my kids but I remember being totally stressed out about how they would act. I didn’t want to be that parent. I certainly wouldn’t have walked the aisles with my kids though no matter what happened. And I shouldn’t have worried at all. My kids were perfect. They sat in their seats and read a book or played their DS the entire time without moving at all. Now my mother in law on the other hand….

  10. delmer says:

    The people that bring oversized bags on — or too many — irritate the hell out of me. I can’t believe the size of crap they try to stuff in the overhead or, and this irritates me most, their inability to put the second bag under the seat in front of them… I’m certain I need more legroom than 96% of those people and I still manage to get my second bag beneath the seat and be comfortable.

    (And you… the guy seated in row 8 and trying to put the steamer trunk in the overhead … move out of the way so the people trying to get to the back of the plane can board. You’re holding us all up because you’re a giant douche.)

    Finally, Sarah… you should have sat on the guy’s lap and let it flow. (That would have led him to rethink the meaning of rude if nothing else.)

  11. Finn says:

    How do you feel about vaginas in your face? Because sometimes people will not move when you need them to, so I scoot by, but I turn around so my ass is not their face. Which of course means the other side is…

  12. Renn says:

    I was going to say that you forgot the ones that just do it for no reason. But you didn’t. But I still wanted to comment and stick my ass… err… opinion in your face.

  13. Sybil Law says:

    Yeah… stranger ass in the face is rarely a good thing. Sucks!
    Too bad you can’t carry some kind of zapping device.

  14. mike says:

    In the animal kingdom, they call it presenting.

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