Blogography Logo
spacer

   

DeGoogled

Posted on Monday, January 1st, 2007

Dave!I had a long hard day at work and didn't get home until 10:30. This is not the best way to spend a Sunday holiday. Some would argue that it's not the best way to spend any day but, sadly, I'm used to it. So when I finally drag my sorry ass to the couch for some quality TiVo time, I realize that I haven't written in my blog today. That sucks, because I don't really feel like it now. For the first time in years, I actually consider skipping a day.

Until I turn on the television and see Dr. Daniel Stein M.D. telling me how he has devoted his professional life to improving the sexual health of others. "Holy crap!" I say to myself as images of this creepy doctor instructing people how to have sex fill my head. But it turns out he's selling penis enlargement pills called (hah!) ExtenZe. Actually, they're MAXIUM STRENGTH Extenze (I guess when it comes to giving yourself a bigger penis, there's no half-way, so "regular strength" ExtenZe is not an option).

But penis enlargement pills are not the reason I decided to blog, however.

It's what Dr. Daniel Stein M.D. said next...
"I have personally researched the formula in ExtenZe, and found it to be truly effective."

Which is another way of saying "I've tried the stuff, and now I have a massive, massive penis."

"Well that explains why they only show him from the waist up" I say to nobody in particular. Suddenly I wonder if this is the secret to Lil' Dave's own massive endowment, and consider offering him to the Stein Medical Institute as a spokesperson (spokestoon?)...

Daveextenze

There's a part of me that actually wants to call for the free sample to see if it actually works... and then blog about it. I can picture it now...

"DAY 10: My penis is now so big that I had to buy a larger pair of pants today..."

In other news, I got an email from somebody a few weeks ago which I thought was spam offering to "increase your search engine position" and was about to trash it when I realized it wasn't an offer, it was a question. A guy was asking if I was preventing Google from indexing my site, because he was having problems Googling my blog. I go check it out and, sure enough, Googling "blogography" shows no results for my "Blogography" (yet at Yahoo, Ask.com, MSN and other search engines I show up fine). I have no idea why. Signing up for Google's "Webmaster Tools" reveals nothing and provides no way of finding out. I guess it doesn't matter, because it's not like I'm getting money for visitors or anything... but it is strange how dozens of sites that link here show up while the actual "blogography.com" does not. Oh well. It's not like anybody at Google is going to care about a blog like mine.

And then today I read where Boing Boing, one of the biggest web sites in existence, is having the same problem.

Now that I know a site like Boing Boing has also gone missing, I have to wonder if Google's search results are worth a crap anymore. Perhaps it's time to go back to Yahoo? If I were running a business, I would be totally screwed, because Google IS search, and there's doesn't seem to be anything you can do if you disappear.

On the bright side, I should be grateful because I don't really want my site popping up when people Google "massive penis."

   

Slush

Posted on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

Dave!Wah! My (usually) most-excellent web host, Media Temple, has been having problems all day. Sometimes you can get to Blogography, sometimes you can't. Sometimes you can leave comments, sometimes you can't. Do these people not realize who I am?? When my blog is down, the very fabric of the universe is in jeopardy!

After being buried in snow for the past week, today we get... rain. Lots and lots of rain.

On the roads that have been plowed, the rain isn't too bad. It helps melt away the bits of snow that are still hanging on. But on roads that are not plowed, everything turns to a giant slushy mess that's absolute torture. Driving in it is exhausting, because it's a minute-by-minute fight just to keep your car on the road.

Here's me driving home after dropping off some work for a client...

Daveslush

The even worse news is that I left my laptop power adapter at the office and was too terrified to go back and get it. This means that I can use what's left of my battery to either surf for lesbian porn... or write a blog entry.

And here I am.

SEE? SEE the horrible sacrifices that I have to make in order to keep YOU entertained? I'm totally giving up my nightly lesbian porn fix for this! And it's entirely possible that my site will be down and I won't even get to post this crap anyway!

One could assume that my dedication to lesbian porn must not be very strong if I would allow a little thing like slushy roads to keep me from retrieving my power adapter. Yet this is simply not true. I can always surf for lesbian porn using the browser on my mobile phone. Sure the tiny screen makes it difficult to tell whether I am looking at a naked breast or a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, but the roads are really, really bad. As in Clay Aiken "singing" bad. Or even David Caruso "acting" bad. Yes, that bad!

But the blog must go on.

And now I'm really hungry for a peanut & jelly butter sandwich...

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Junkfood

Posted on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007

Dave!I've been watching my new Mission: Impossible... The Complete First Season DVD set whenever I can. It's amazing how well the series holds up after 40 years. I was totally addicted to the reruns when I was a kid, then hopelessly disappointed by the Tom Cruise films as an adult (M:I is supposed to be about TEAMWORK... TEAMWORK!). It's pretty sweet to see that the original show is just as good as I remember... and Barbara Bain is just as smokin' hot as I remember (literally, she smokes cigarettes constantly).

I've decided I don't feel like writing tonight. To explain myself, I offer this...

Junk Food

Why are people are still listening to this crazy asshole? If God is truly talking to Pat Robertson... how could he ever be wrong in his predictions? Wouldn't he have to be right 100% of the time for people to actually believe his shit? When he says "sometimes I miss" doesn't that imply that GOD is missing too? Or maybe... just maybe... he's a total nut-bag fraud. Anyone? Anyone?

Argh. Time for another spoonful of Pepto Bismol and bed.

But before I go... Over New Years, I reorganized and catalogued my DVD collection with a program called "Delicious Library." I've owned the program for almost two years, but never had the ambition to actually use it until now. I ended up loving the way it works so much, I've decided to review it in an extended entry...

Delicious Library

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Vanna

Posted on Thursday, January 4th, 2007

Dave!It has been suggested that my frequent battles with insomnia may be a result of a bad mattress. This would not surprise me, because the mattress I bought is total crap. And I owe it all to letter-turning-game-show-sidekick Vanna White.

It all started when my old mattress was falling apart and I needed to replace it. So off I went to the local furniture store to buy one. But, once I got there, I realized that I don't know the first thing about mattresses and had no idea what I wanted. But then I saw a cardboard cut-out of Vanna White smiling over a mattress and decided to go for it. I figured that if the bed was good enough for Vanna, it would certainly be good enough for me (even though it was more money than I wanted to spend).

But Vanna was full of crap. The mattress was sagging in the middle after only a few months.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has been f#@%ed by Vanna White over a mattress, but I'm probably one of the few who hasn't enjoyed the experience...

Vanna Bad

So here I am 10 years later needing to buy a new mattress. Again.

The one I really want to try is a Sleep Number bed. Since it is filled with air, it probably won't be sagging anytime soon. If it does, I'd imagine that you just blow it up again. Much like an inflatable companion (ahem... or so I've heard). Besides, Lindsay Wagner endorses it and she's all bionic and stuff! But then I read complaints about poor customer service and the air mattress filling up with mold and such, and start having second thoughts.

So now I am flirting with the idea of buying a Tempurpedic mattress.

Yet, I am hesitant because, well...

The following is a fictional account of events that never happened. Stories like this are far too embarrassing to be published on the internet if they're true, so it's not true. I'm making it all up...

Fictional Dave: (answering phone) Hello?
   
Fictional Former Girlfriend: Hey, I'm working late! Rather than driving all the way back home, let's just stay in town. I've booked us a room at "Inn At The Market" on 1st & Pine.
   
Fictional Dave: Cool. Call me when you're ready and I'll pick you up on the way.
   
      (LATER THAT EVENING AT THE HOTEL)
   
Fictional Dave: (after having flopped on the bed) Whoa! This mattress doesn't bounce! It's weird!
   
Fictional Former Girlfriend: It's not weird. It's a Temperpedic mattress. After you get used to it, it's super-comfortable.
   
Fictional Dave: I still think it's weird that a mattress doesn't bounce when you sit on it.
   
Fictional Former Girlfriend: You're weird.
   
      (STILL LATER THAT EVENING)
   
Fictional Dave: It's not me... it's this weird mattress! The foam... it's like... it's absorbing my moves or something!!
   
Fictional Former Girlfriend: (sarcasm) Sure it is.

So, as you can see, in the unlikely event that I ever need to use my new bed for something other than sleep... like...ohhhh... let's saaay... an exercise mat... it doesn't work so well.

But for actual sleeping it's pretty sweet, so I dunno.

Awwwww... maybe I should just sleep on the couch from now on. It's like an "exercise mat" for one.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  42 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Health

Posted on Friday, January 5th, 2007

Dave!The first email I opened this morning was somebody saying "You are a f#@%ing asshole and your blog sucks!" Ordinarily, I'd be thrilled to receive such well-written and thoughtful feedback, but this morning I wasn't in the mood. So instead of sending my usual automated reply ("Thank you so much for your lovely letter regarding Blogography, and I look forward to making you even more angry in the future!") I instead wrote back with this...

"Wow! You've figured it all out! I make my blog suck ON PURPOSE because, as you have so astutely surmised, I AM an asshole! Congratulations on your brilliance, and I hope you die real soon now so my secret will be safe!"

Then I got worried that by hoping somebody else is going to die, I might be wishing death upon myself, and suddenly became concerned about my health and well-being. Perhaps a diet of candy, chips, and Coke with Lime is just the excuse that irony is looking for to kill me off? Well screw that. I'm going to start eating healthier snacks!

So there I am at the health-bar aisle of the grocery store looking at the hundreds of healthy alternatives to candy. I am amazed at how expensive it all is. But what's money compared to my health? Nothing! So I scoop up an assortment of yummy-sounding bars, pay my $25 (holy crap!) and am on my way.

Once I get to work I decide to have a health bar for breakfast. GAH! IT'S HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!! Dumbstruck at the foul taste in my mouth, I spit it into a garbage can while making a mental note to never buy that brand again. Then I try another one, AND IT'S EVEN WORSE! ACK!!! I PAID $2.99 for THIS?!? After spitting my fifth health bar in the trash, I'm screaming "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME??" as I open up number six, which is called a "Bumble Bar."

Bumble Bar Almond still tastes outrageously bad but, compared to the first five I tried, it's at least edible. So there I am chomping away on gobs of seeds and sticks, trying my best to be happy at how healthy I'm going to be from all this suffering. At least I was, until I looked at the Nutrition Facts...

Nutrition Facts

WTF?!?

Seriously, WTF?!? It's the same calories and fat content as a tasty Hershey Bar with Almonds! About the only difference is 2 grams more fiber, 4 grams less saturated fat, and an additional 18% iron!

Holy shit. Give me back my frackin' candy! I'll just eat a handful of Shredded Wheat for breakfast to make up the difference in fiber, and suck on a nail to get that extra 18% iron.

What really frosts my cake is that I could have bought FORTY candy bars for the money I paid for these ten "health" bars. This blows. The ones I threw out are probably healthier because they tasted worse, but I'd rather die than have to eat that crap for the rest of my life. Better to die young and happy from snacking on junk than old and miserable from eating disgusting health bars.

Maybe I'll just starting taking a vitamin with my first can of Coke with Lime of the day? That's probably the same thing anyway. Yes, thanks to vitamins, I can be healthy and still eat delicious crap! Modern science is great.

Yargh. Karma dictates I find something good to blog about now. Fortunately, I have a book that's totally sweet to talk about in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Cupid

Posted on Saturday, January 6th, 2007

Dave!All I ever ask of my loyal readers is their abject love and devotion. You can keep your money. You can keep your politics. You can keep your religion. You can even keep your souls. For I am a kind and benevolent blogger, and loathe to ask of anything from somebody who would do me the honor of reading Blogography.

Except this once.

I have made continuous reference to Jeremy Piven's Cupid as the best show ever to air on television. In the seven years since it was foolishly canceled (thanks to the raging morons in charge of ABC scheduling), I have not changed my mind. This show will make you laugh, cry, and everything in-between. It is all that television strives to be, with brilliant casting and writing that is unparalleled in the medium.

Yet it has not been given a DVD release.

Now Sony Pictures is asking people to vote for a series they would most like to see on DVD.

And Cupid is on the list.

I am asking... begging... pleading... threatening... petitioning... praying... that you will do me this one favor and go vote for Cupid to be released on DVD.

You can't vote for Cupid three times (believe me, I tried) so you'll have to pick two other crappy shows to vote for after Cupid, (except Bette which is stealing too many votes!) but the important thing is that Cupid be one of your choices. And, if the fact that it's the best show ever to air on television is not reason enough to make you vote, here's a few more...

Cupid's Veronica Mars

Do you like "Veronica Mars?" Then you should know that Cupid was written and created by über-genius Rob Thomas, who also created Veronica Mars, and he's every bit as brilliant (if not more so). So go vote!

Cupid's Jeremy Piven

Do you love Jeremy Piven in "Entourage?" Then you should know that the same insane energy that make Entourage's Ari Gold so much fun to watch is nothing compared to the performance Jeremy Piven turns in on each and every episode of Cupid. So go vote!

Cupid's Paula Marshall

Do you guys think Paula Marshall is a total babe? Well who doesn't? You should know that Paula Marshall is in every single episode of Cupid (and looking much hotter than this photo I found). So go vote!

Cupid's Joe Flanigan

Do you ladies think Lt. Colonel John Sheppard on "Stargate Atlantis" is hot? Then you should know that the actor who plays him, Joe Flanigan, appears in a chunk of Cupid episodes as Paula Marshall's boyfriend. So go vote!

Are you a Lisa Loeb fan? Then you should know that she makes a stellar guest appearance in one of the best Cupid episodes, "First Loves". So go vote!

Are you a "Dead Like Me" fan? Then you should know that before he directed and produced the show, Scott Winant directed episodes for Cupid. So go vote!

Did you enjoy the musical scores for "The West Wing," "Sports Night," and "Studio 60?" Then you should know that the very talented W.G. "Snuffy" Walden who composed for those shows (and dozens of others) produced some wonderful musical interludes for Cupid. So go vote!

Are you a fan of Chrissy Hynde and The Pretenders? Then you should know that the theme for Cupid was their beautiful song "Human." So go vote!

Are you a fan of brilliant guest-star casting? Then you should know that Cupid had an amazing roster of guest spots by such actors as Sherilyn Fenn, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Kim Fields, David Johansen, Anna Chlumsky, Matt Roth, Daphne Ashbrook, George Newbern, Laura Leighton, and more! So go vote!

   

And after you've voted... get the word out. Tell your friends. Write about it on your blog. Let people know Cupid's day on DVD is at hand!

Who knows... if the Cupid DVD ever comes to pass, I might go crazy and start holding drawings to give copies away! I'm insane like that! So what are you doing reading this crap, when you should be voting?

Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  53 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 12

Posted on Sunday, January 7th, 2007

Dave!Ack! It's Bullet Sunday, but I'm running low on ammo!

• Thank you... Many, many thanks to absolutely everybody who has voted for Cupid to be released on DVD! According to my stats, 624 of you have clicked-through to vote, and I couldn't be more grateful. The show is now up to #2, and will hopefully end up ranking high enough to get Sony Pictures to notice. Yet, as grateful as I am that Sony is thinking about releasing Cupid, I am kind of pissed at the way they have structured the voting. First of all, you MUST vote for three shows, even if you don't like any of the other shows. Second of all, you can't give all your votes to the one show you want. This inflates the votes of shows that nobody cares about, and Sony should really find a way to make the voting reflect what people are actually wanting to buy.

Windy Monkey

• Windy... The Wenatchee Valley has been hit with pretty horrendous wind storms for the past few days. This has resulted in numerous trees and power poles being blown over... wrecking houses and cutting power lines. Today while I was working, there were a half-dozen power brown-outs that kept killing my computer and taking my work with it. Wind sucks ass.

• Nintendon't... Speaking of suckage, there's still no Wii game consoles to be found anywhere. It's been weeks since Nintendo dumped a load of Wii for the holidays, and you'd think that they would have caught up to the demand by now. Yet the only place you can buy them is on eBay for 2 to 3 times the retail price. Kind of makes you wonder why Nintendo doesn't just jack the price up themselves if they know that the supply is going to be restricted. In any event, it's kind of funny that when you go to Nintendo's website that they're hitting you over the head with something you can't even buy. That's not very nice at all.

• Whore... Today I decided to add yet another volume to my series of Dumbass Books...

Whores for Dumbasses

Because nothing is sadder than seeing a nasty whore sliding around a parking lot with holes in the ass of her stretch-pants. At least, I was assuming she was a whore, since I don't know many women who would explode in a flurry of obscenities after her child slipped, fell down, and got their new coat dirty. Never mind that the poor kid looked like he hurt himself and was already upset... screaming curse words at him while he's crying and struggling to get up makes makes me think you're nothing more than a big whore. You're certainly not much of a mother. And if you expect to make any money being a whore, you should at least try to be a little more classy. Like maybe wearing stretch pants that don't have holes in the ass and watching your filthy white-trash mouth in front of your kids. This book will explain it all using small words and pictures so even a stupid bitch like you can understand it.

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

   

Yeah, that's all I got. But next week is MacWorld, so I'm sure things will pick up...

Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Chalupa

Posted on Monday, January 8th, 2007

Dave!For Macintosh whores like myself, tomorrow is the most important day of the year because it's time for MacWorld!

I both love and hate MacWorld. Love it, because Apple is probably going to introduce some cool new stuff. Hate it, because I'm bound to want all the cool new stuff... and it's always expensive.

Last year, I live-blogged from the keynote for the introduction of the iToast toaster...

iToast

That was fun and all, but this year there isn't a live feed of Steve Job's keynote speech, so I guess I won't be live-blogging anything. Heck, I can't even find out if they will be re-broadcasting the Stevenote afterwards. As a Mac whore, I find this depressing.

Oog.

I've become one of those people that qualifies everything I say "as a Mac whore."

This reminds me of a former co-worked who qualified everything he said "as a Christian."

He was a nice enough guy, but the condescending way he constantly presented his Christian opinion as being superior to everybody else drove me insane. You could even be saying something nice to him, and he'd find a way to turn it around and make you feel inferior...

Dave: Hey, good luck with your class!
Christian Guy: As a Christian, I don't believe in luck... I believe in Jesus!

Even when you are obviously joking around, he's there to look down at your heathen ass...

Christian Guy: I wanted to go to the party, but everybody was acting freaky, so I left.
Dave: POD PEOPLE! They've been replaced by alien clones!
Christian Guy: As a Christian, I can't accept the concept of alien life.

It got so bad that I dreaded being in even simple conversations with him for fear of what might happen...

Dave: I can't decide if I want a Gordita or Chalupa from Taco Bell...
Christian Guy: As a Christian, I don't believe in Chalupas because they are fried. Gorditas are baked as God intended in Ezekiel 4:15... "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement."
Dave: Gross!
Christian Guy: BURN IN HELL, CHALUPA-EATER!!

Fortunately, he quit the job after only a few weeks and took his holier-than-thou attitude with him.

And since I brought it up...

As a Mac whore, I prefer to think of Jesus as a Mac user.

UPDATE: Hey, I was right!

Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

iPhone!

Posted on Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

Dave!Yeah, I just knew this MacWorld was going to be financially devastating.

Looks like I'll be dumping Verizon this June and signing up with Cingular. Verizon has excellent quality and fairly decent customer service and all... but... dang... how can you say no to THIS...


Iphone

The specs over at Apple are AMAZING.

It kind of sucks that there's a six month delay before you can buy it, but something tells me it will be worth the wait.

Besides, it will give me time to save my pennies... all 50,000 of them... so I can actually afford the thing when it's released.

Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  46 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Presidential

Posted on Wednesday, January 10th, 2007

Dave!But that would have been my favorite part...

Dave's Presidential iPhone

Dave's Presidential iPhone

Dave's Presidential iPhone

Dave's Presidential iPhone

   

Wii!

Posted on Thursday, January 11th, 2007

Dave!Thanks to my good friend Harold... a longtime Blogography supporter, former co-worker, and ruler of Las Vegas once I conquer the earth... I was tipped off that the local ShopKo had Nintendo Wii in stock. I didn't have my hopes up, because last time I heard they were available at Target, they sold out in the 15 minutes it took me to get there. But I decided to take a stab at it, and asked my mother to stop by when she was in Wenatchee and see if they had any left. Luckily, they had two, and one of them was going to be mine.

MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!!

When I got home to hook it up, I had just over an hour before I had to get back to work. This was fine, because all I wanted to do was send a WiiMail to Avitable to let him know that I got my Wii on the same day he did... so he could feel MY Wii-ness.

So I unwrap everything, get everything set up, turn it on, configure the internet, and then.... wait.

Wait for 20 minutes while the Wii updates itself.

Then wait ANOTHER 20 minutes for it to perform ANOTHER update.

By the time I construct my "Mii" avatar and punched in Avitable's "friend code" I am running late for work and am starting to get pissed off. Then I find out that I can't send Avitable WiiMail after all, because he has to enter my "friend code" on his machine too. Shit!!

After I get back from work, I'm finally able to send my WiiMail and play around with my new Nintendo...

Wii stuff

The first box is the Mii avatar for myself (The Chad created an avatar for Lil' Dave that I'm going to have to get him to WiiMail to me). The second box is a WiiMail with Avitable's Mii on it (it looks JUST LIKE HIM!). The third and fourth box show that Blogography renders perfectly on the Wii web browser... which is no surprise since it's built on the excellent Opera browser. The fifth box is Wii's Global Weather Channel. And the last box is the Wii Photo Channel displaying an image loaded directly off my camera's SD memory card.

Overall, the Wii is pretty sweet.

I am looking forward to the day I can sit down with my Wii and play games with fellow Wii bloggers over the internet... I'm sure it's not too far off. In the meanwhile, I'll have to play by myself. Right now my favorite game is "Elebits" where you tear apart your house searching for tiny electrical creatures that hide everywhere and in everything...

Elebits
Images taken from the incredible IGN Wii site.

The game is a total riot, and showcases how truly unique a Wii is from your "typical" video game systems.

I just wish I was going to have time to play it.

Anyway, in addition to making cool Mii avatars, The Chad also makes memes. You can see my answers to his latest in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: DaveLife 2007, Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Inflamed

Posted on Friday, January 12th, 2007

Dave!Does anybody know a good place that the general public can buy flamethrowers at discount? Wikipedia says that private ownership of flamethrowers is not restricted in the US, yet I couldn't find them for sale at Target. I'm pretty sure that you can't get them at K-Mart or Wal-Mart either. This is puzzling to me, because it seems that so many of my daily problems could be easily solved if I started carrying a flamethrower with me.

In fact, if I did own a flamethrower, I would have used it at least a half-dozen times before lunch today. Just think of all the cool things you could do with it! No more raking leaves in the yard... flamethrower! Shoveling snow is a thing of the past... flamethrower! Have to clean the bathtub... flamethrower! Microwave broke and you need some popcorn... flamethrower! And that's just the beginning...

The ultimate cure for viruses on your Windows PC... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Windows

The perfect revenge for dumbasses who cut you off in traffic... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Car

The cost-effective solution when giant killer clowns invade the planet... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Clowns

What a handy thing to have around the house!

A pity I can't add one to my Amazon Wish List.

   

And in non-flamable news... sadly, I haven't had much time to play with my Wii. I try to sneak in a level of "Elebits" when I have the chance, but even that seems rare. I haven't even looked at "Zelda" yet. One thing I did do was create a new Mii. Mr. Jerz sent me "Miidonna" and so I made "Miilizabeth HurlWii" to send back. Somehow the idea of playing a game of tennis as Liz HurlWii is appealing to me. Probably because it's as close to playing with Liz as I am ever going to get.

Apparently I do have time for memes though... there's one from Karla in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Shrinky

Posted on Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Dave!I'm not a nostalgic-type person. I don't sit around waxing poetic about "the good old days" and wishing I could go back in time to relive moments in my life. Sure it's fun to reminisce, but I don't choose to live in the past.

But there are things I remember as being fun that I think might be fun again, so sometimes I bring the past to the present. For instance, ShrinkyDinks. When I was a kid, I loved ShrinkyDinks. Nothing made me happier than to take pieces of frosted plastic, color them in with colored pencils, cut them out, and bake them in the oven until they shrink down to useless pieces of hard plastic.

So when I saw that ShrinkyDinks are still around AND available for inkjet printers, I just had to buy some. Fun!

First you print something out at 50% lightness on ShrinkyDink plastic...

ShrinkyDink Dave!

Then you bake it and it shrinks down (after some mildly entertaining acrobatics)...

ShrinkyDink Dave!

Wheeeeeee!

Yeah, not quite as fun as I remember.

Things so rarely are.

But you have to consider that stuff like home computers, video games, and the World Wide Web didn't exist back when my ShrinkyDink infatuation was underway. Turns out it's not that ShrinkyDinks were ever that great... it's just that there was nothing better to do back then.

Like create Mii characters on my Wii! For those who asked, here's what "MiiLizabeth HurWii" looks like...

Miilizabeth Hurwii

Given the limited options for Mii creation, I think she turned out pretty good.

Bleh. I have to work all weekend. Considering I woke up with a migraine the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, this does not promise to be a fun day. Still, it's better than waking up with a migraine the size of a Hummer (the giant H2 model... not the wimpier H3) because those are the days I just want to stick my head in the Whirling Blades of Death and be done with it.

Who knows, by the end of the day I just might anyway.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 13

Posted on Sunday, January 14th, 2007

Dave!• Bullets... If I thought about it long enough, I'd probably be taking today's bullet points and shooting myself in the head with them. Yesterday was a disaster. My migraine kept getting worse and worse despite my taking The Special Pills. But The Special Pills just made me nauseous on top of feeling like my head was going to explode. So I was hurting and puking while trying to work, which did not make for a very productive day. Now I'm way behind, and will probably have to work straight through the next 36 hours. Still with a headache.

• Relationship... I finally managed to scrape together the money to pay off my "90-days-same-as-cash" Apple credit balance before the deadline. So I call to be sure that I have the pay-off amount correct (last time they tried to screw me by slapping on a $2 "billing fee," not telling me about it, then slapping me with $130 in accumulated interest). While on hold, a recorded voice kept telling me that a "Relationship Manager" would be with me in a moment. "Relationship Manager?" That sounds like somebody whom busy yuppies hire in order to work out their complex schedules so that they can find time to have sex. I don't know about you, but this is a much closer relationship than I am wanting to have with a bank.

• O RLY?... And, combining my first two bullet points, I am reminded of a time I attempted to build a relationship while battling a migraine headache AND being nauseated by The Special Pills. It all started when I was set up on a date with a girl who I really, really liked... but from a distance. I didn't know her very well at all. A mutual friend asked her if she wanted to go out with me, and she said something like "oh, he's funny!" and agreed. But, on the day we decided on dinner and a movie, I was hit with a huge migraine. Desperately not wanting to break our date for fear I would never get another one, I doped up on The Special Pills and went on my way. Dinner was painful. She talked and talked and talked about... well, nothing, really. My head was throbbing, and she simply would not stop talking. After paying the check I went to the bathroom so I could throw up. Then we drove to the movie with her talking all the way... I was SO looking forward to the film starting in anticipation of finally getting some peace and quiet. Alas, it was not to be. She talked through the entire film...

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah
*Those unfamiliar with internet-speak can get an "O RLY" explanation here.

It was the longest night of my life. Puking in the bathroom was actually a hilight. The funny thing was that she thought the date went great, and asked my friend if I would be asking her out again. Sure she was fun to look at, but the thought of having to endure another night of her non-stop talking without guarantee of a sexual return was more than I could take. I didn't make just one excuse to get out of asking her out again, I made five.

• Hindsight... YOU IDIOT! Do you know how rare it is to find a woman who would be willing talk to you... AT ALL?!?

• Memes... What's with all the memes lately? This latest one comes from Neil, and I've put it in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Voice

Posted on Monday, January 15th, 2007

Dave!After a long day at work on a public holiday, I was looking forward to finally seeing Children of Men and going out to a nice dinner.

Unfortunately my favorite restaurant in Wenatchee (McGlinns) has, for some stupid-ass reason, decided to stop offering veggie burger substitutions on their burger menu. WTF?!? THEY'RE FROZEN!! How hard is it to keep a box of frozen veggie burgers in your freezer for those times you have vegetarian guests? Is that really too much to ask? Sheesh. It's inexplicable shit like this that causes me to abandon local haunts in favor of sanitized chains like Applebees. Hey, they may be a chain, but at least they don't f#@%-over their vegetarian clientele.

Children of Men

As for the movie... it was pretty freakin' amazing. I was blown away at some of the more shocking turns (of which there are several). It is now readily apparent why Children of Men is garnering such critical praise... it's relentless. And beautifully acted. And wonderfully shot. And skillfully directed. It's not a feel-good film by any means, but it is a film that will make you think. And feel. Just watching Children of Men is thoroughly exhausting, but in a good way. If you can handle the violence and a few meandering scenes, it's worth checking out.

Anyway, if you will now excuse me, I'm choosing to retire on this Martin Luther King Jr. Day by listening to a few of his speeches. So many of his words are as profoundly stirring today as they were when he spoke them, and I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about that. Happy, because it just goes to show that great words withstand the test of time. Sad, because if I were asked to name a "Martin Luther King Jr." for our day, I could not. Why is it that America's greatest voices all seem to come from the past?

Bleh. I'd feel a little less depressed about that if there was a new Veronica Mars on tomorrow night, but she doesn't return until the 23rd.

Categories: Food 2007, Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Puppies

Posted on Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

Dave!If you want to know why I will never, ever, ever purchase another product from HP, it's explained in an extended entry. Never before have I been treated so badly by so many. It's not very entertaining, but it is critical read if you are ever considering buying something from Hewlett Packard. But don't be too depressed for me... I've kept the call open on their toll-free support line and am running up quite a phone bill for them.

Apparently revenge is a dish best served long distance.

Speaking of idiots though, I finally got to watch my DVD of Idiocracy this morning...

Idiocracy DVD

It's by Mike Judge (who also created the brilliant Office Space) and was never given a theatrical release by 20th Century Fox for some reason. It's a pretty good flick in its own right, but fell way short of my lofty expectations... still, it's better than a lot of the crap in theaters, so I remain vexed by Fox's decision.

Anyway, Luke Wilson gets frozen for 500 years and wakes up in the future where everybody is stupid (the most popular show on television is Ow! My Balls! and fast food corporations rule the earth). Apparently this was because complete morons cluttered up the gene pool and eventually won out. Given today's events with HP, it seems like science-fact rather than science-fiction.

If you keep your expectations in check, don't compare it to Office Space, and want a few laughs, then Idiocracy is worth a rent.

Now back to your regularly-scheduled rant over the dumbasses at HP...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  30 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Hated

Posted on Wednesday, January 17th, 2007

Dave!Stop it.

Would Microsoft Windows sufferers who are still using Internet Explorer please just stop it? Go download Firefox or Opera or whatever, and start using a real web browser instead. I am tired of spending hours and hours tracking down the crap-load of bugs and quirks unique to Internet Explorer so that web pages display properly. It seems that every time I get to the end of a project, I find stuff that renders beautifully in regular browsers, but end up looking like crap in IE...

Browser Render

It's a real pain in the ass, so if everybody on the internets could just stop using it, that would be great.

Oh, and since the new Windows Vista version of Outlook f#@%s up HTML emails, if you would switch to Thunderbird or some other email client while you're at it, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks!

Your friend,
Dave2

Firefox!

This sucks ass. Blogography has been fragged with a scrolling bug in IE for ages, and I've got no time to fix it because I'm too busy fixing everything else.

Why does Microsoft hate us so much?

   

Deadenbacher

Posted on Thursday, January 18th, 2007

Dave!AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

So there I am innocently flicking through channels when I see Orville Redenbacher on television selling his popcorn. He's one freaky-looking guy, which would ordinarily be scary enough. But this commercial is particularly disturbing for one simple reason... HE'S F#@%ING DEAD!!

The only explanation I can come up with is that the people who make Orville Redenbacher popcorn read my Blogography entry where I don't want to eat a dead man's corn, and decided to revive him all zombie-like in a series of new commercials to get me to buy...

Dead Orville

The problem is that he was always kind of zombie-like while he was alive, so the computer-enhanced version is just downright terrifying. If they made a horror film staring Dead Orville, I would be too afraid to watch. "CORN OF THE DEAD!". they could call it...

Corn of the Dead!

But the commercial did make me hungry.

Here is my dinner menu tonight...

  • A can of Coke with Lime.
  • Two Eggo toaster waffles with extra butter and Mrs. Butterworth's maple syrup.
  • A Snack-Pack chocolate pudding.

Delicious! Pudding kicks ass.

But what I really want now is popcorn.

Unfortunately I'm out of popping corn, and it's too frackin' cold out to go buy more. Bummer.

Field of Dreams Pano

Here's another panorama photo I made using Adobe's super-sweet pano-stitcher tool in the PhotoShop CS3 beta. It's a shot of the "Field of Dreams" from my trip to Iowa. My previous efforts to stitch it together failed miserably, but Adobe's magical new software somehow managed to do a beautiful job...

At this size it's hard to tell but, even at high resolution, I can't find the seams. All pieces were warped and blended flawlessly. Bravo Adobe.

P.S. I HAD TOTALLY GUESSED THE IDENTITY OF THE MASKED WOMAN IN "UGLY BETTY!" I totally should write for television.

   

Pocket

Posted on Friday, January 19th, 2007

Dave!For dinner tonight I had a Four Cheese Pizza Hot Pocket. It was good.

I love pockets. When it comes to buying coats or backpacks or suitcases or whatever, the number of pockets is a major selling point for me. I've lost count of the number of times that I've been comparison shopping and made my decision based on which item has the higher pocket-count. That's how I decided to buy my new Swiss Army Synergy backpack... it has an abundance of pockets. I found this kind of strange, because Swiss Army is famous for combining bunches of tools in a single item, which would actualy require less pockets.

When "painter's pants" were in fashion, I was in heaven, because of all those extra pockets. I especially liked the pocket that was perfectly sized to hold my fat-handle comb. I secretly hope that one day painter's pants come back in style. Not because I want to start carrying a fat-handle comb again (the 80's are over), but because I'm sure I could find cool stuff to put in all those pockets.

My Helly Hanson jacket is ten years old, but I just can't bear to get rid of it because I like its configuration of pockets. There's a pocket in the collar which is meant to hold the rain hood, but I put all sorts of crazy stuff in there. Like the time I bought a $5 boxed lunch on a plane trip. It was pretty good, except there was a little beef stick that I didn't want. I was too embarrassed to slip my little beef stick to the stewardess, so I stuck it in my collar pocket instead. It turned up six months later when it was raining and I needed my hood. I threw it in the garbage, but I kind of regret it now... what if I ever need to distract a guard dog? That little beef stick would have come in handy.

Secret pockets are the best though. My Timbuk2 Courier Bag has tons of pockets, but my favorite is the full-length front-interior secret pocket because it's not easily noticed. I owned the bag for two months before I found it.

That was one of the happiest days in my life.

Because pockets are good...

Monkey Pocket

I still have no idea what that tiny pocket in a pair of Levi's is for, however.

   

AppleCare

Posted on Saturday, January 20th, 2007

Dave!I went and saw Babel tonight. It was an interesting film, but not very entertaining (that came later, when I got home and watched Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle on DVD again). I also bought Barack Obama's book The Audacity of Hope to read on the plane for my upcoming trip. I liked his first book, Dreams from My Father, and have enjoyed every interview and appearance of his that I've seen, so I'm looking forward to it.

Most importantly, however, I had a Veggie sub at Quiznos for dinner. Since people are telling me that ketchup and pizza sauce don't count a vegetables, I figured this would make everybody happy. My sandwich totally had lettuce, tomato, olives, and everything!

But going to Quiznos always raises a question. Am I the only one who sees Quiznos Bread Bowls and thinks of skeet shooting?

PULL!

Bread Bowl Skeet Shoot

Bread Bowl Skeet Shooting would be totally sweet!

Lastly, in sadder news... for the past couple of days, my MacBook Pro's hard drive has been making crackling noises. I assumed this was a bad thing, and immediately backed up all my data. Then this morning half my files were inaccessible and the hard drive was grinding. Time to call Apple for some help.

What a difference good support makes...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 14

Posted on Sunday, January 21st, 2007

Dave!It is 4:30am on a Sunday. Using my brilliant math skills, I calculate that this means I've had 4-1/2 hours of unrest. I want to go back to sleep, but figure I might as well write a few bullets for Bullet Sunday first.

• Pudding. The reason I woke up at 4:30am was so I could go to the bathroom. And grab a Snack-Pack pudding (because there's nothing better to do in bed that blog and eat Snack-Pack pudding*). But this is no ordinary Snack-Pack... it's NEW "SpooNibbles" Snack-Pack. Each little container of chocolate pudding comes with a vanilla cookie that you can use to eat with. When you are done eating the pudding, you eat the cookie "spoon." It's the single most brilliant invention since electricity. I once accidentally grabbed a plastic fork for my Snack-Pack, but didn't notice until I was ready to eat it. Thanks to "SpooNibbles" you can avoid horrific experiences like this. I think more foods should come with cookie stick spoons to eat with. I'd totally eat crap I didn't even like if I knew there was a cookie at the end. I might actually even eat a salad.

Dave Spoonibbles

• Dated. You know how there are people with whom your entire relationship is based on a mutual hatred? And I'm not talking about politicians and Hewlett Packard... I'm talking about real people with whom you regularly interact. I don't have too many of these heinous individuals in my life, so imagine my surprise when one of them asked me out. Like on a date. It was really strange, because I had always just assumed she loathed me as much as I have come to despise her. Yet there she was. I guess that I am so totally lovable that even mutual hate can't keep people away from me. Using my brilliant math skills, I calculate that it has been 6 months since my last date. This gives me serious pause to consider actually accepting. Fortunately, rational thought manages to somehow overcome raging hormones, and I decline by telling her "oh, sorry... I'm leaving the country." In retrospect, this sounds like a lame blow-off excuse, and I feel kind of bad about it. Even though it happens to be true.

• Veronica. I am receiving mixed signals about the fate of the best show on television: Veronica Mars. I received a flurry of emails telling me that Veronica had been cancelled in favor of a Pussycat Dolls reality show (where they will apparently be searching for a new Pussy). It sounded just typical enough of network television to be true, so I did some digging and found a statement saying that Veronica was just moving away from Tuesdays, and wasn't cancelled at all. This made even more sense, because previous statements had said Veronica was given a nearly-full-season order. But now I read an actual news story which says Veronica is taking a "breather" in favor of Pussycat Dolls after February sweeps, and will then return after with the final five non-serialized episodes of the season. This is not a cancelation notice, but it might as well be. CW network f#@%ers. How in the hell are people supposed to get into a show when you keep moving it and pre-empting it for shit? I mean, it's not like I am against the hot bitches of Pussycat Dolls having a television show, but to pre-empt Veronica Mars for this crap? Seriously?

• Bedridden. It's 5:30am now. After three bullet-points and a half-hour of blog surfing I am going back to bed, where I fully expect that I will lay awake staring at the ceiling until it's time to go to work. My life sucks that way.

• Uh huh. It's now 7:30am. Just as I expected, I didn't get any additional sleep. Instead I thought about how happy I would be if the Pussycat Dolls were to die in a fiery plane crash and the idiots at CW Network had no choice but to order additional episodes of Veronica Mars to fill the sudden gap in their scheduling plans. I then thought of how I would be even happier if the Pussycat Dolls were to crash their plane into Hewlett Packard so they BOTH perish in a big ball of fiery death. The fact that I am wishing death upon my enemies usually has me sleeping like a baby, but not today. Hmmm... what if Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore was visiting Hewlett Packard when the Pussycat Dolls' plane crashed into it? Bitter tragedy or poetic justice?

• Madness. In addition to Barack Obama's book, I'll also be taking my Absolutely MAD: 50+ Years of Mad Magazine DVD-ROM. I already have some comics on DVD, and was pretty happy when I found out MAD was getting a similar treatment. The first issue I was exposed to was the "Star Wars Musical" issue from 1978. I then became an addict, buying all the MAD books and magazines I could afford until Don Martin left the publication in 1987. With Prohias already gone, it just felt like time. Re-living "my" MAD's glory years and being able to see most everything that happened before and after for only $40 is pretty cool...

Mad Musical

Mad Musical

• Hands. Yesterday while washing my hands in Quizno's bathroom, I saw one of those signs that said "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK! - LOS EMLEADOS DEBEN LAVAR LAS MANOS ANTES DE VOLVER AL TRABAJO!" "No shit!" I said to myself. Then I laughed, because that's the whole point.

Bah! Time to go to work...

* Actually, there are plenty of things better to do in bed than eat Snack-Pack pudding and blog, it's just that it's been so long since I've done anything else there that I forget what they are.

   

Vote!

Posted on Monday, January 22nd, 2007

Dave!Gah! I guess that the other crap I was going to write about today will have to wait...

The bitches over at Bette Midler Online have retaliated against Cupid being in 1st place on the Sony DVD poll! What I find funny is that these people are voting for Bette! simply because Bette Midler is in it... not because it was a great show or anything. Personally, I don't even remember the show... but when I research it, I find out that it was not well-liked, even by Bette Midler fans. so WTF? Cupid, on the other hand, was critically acclaimed, and could have built an audience had ABC not totally f#@%ed up the scheduling so people couldn't find it. Case in point... out of a possible 10 stars on the Internet Movie Database, Bette! garners 3.6 stars, whereas Cupid has twice as many... 7.3 stars.

I maintain that Cupid is the best show ever to air on television, and explain why in this entry.

In any event, If you love me... heck, even if you hate me, you'll please take ten seconds and go to Sony's NEW & IMRPROVED poll for DVD releases, where you now only have to vote for ONE show instead of choosing two other crappy shows to go with it... IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN THE WORLD, GO VOTE FOR CUPID RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

Vote Cupid

Did you vote? YOU DIDN'T?!? DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!

There. That's much better. Cupid got to the top once, it can be there again with your help.

Good news on the AppleCare front... despite the fact that I called on a Saturday afternoon with my MacBook Pro hard drive problem, my return-box from Apple Support arrived today. Amazing. If nothing goes sideways, I'll have my laptop back before I leave. Loves me the Apple. It makes the fact that Hewlett Packard couldn't get me a freakin' return-label after THREE calls over TWO months (and untold hours on hold) all the more pathetic. HP sucks ass.

Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  36 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Depression

Posted on Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007

Dave!I woke up more depressed than usual this morning after receiving some very bad news in an email from a good friend last night.

Things only went downhill from there.

As the morning wore on, all I wanted to do was drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, take a fistful of sleeping pills, crawl into bed, then just wait for the world to go away. It's not a solution that you can wrap a bow around and get all happy about, but it does work... albeit temporarily. But this kind of resolution doesn't really solve anything, and can become dangerously addictive and destructive over the long-run. Having been there before, I know.

So I decided to do what I always seem to do now-a-days when depressed. Visit Any Soldier, request a couple of addresses for some poor bastards (or bitches) stuck in Iraq or Afghanistan, then make some care packages to send out. It may not solve my problems, but it will make me feel better that I am making somebody else's miserable life a little better.

Though it's not easy for me. I do not in any way support this war. I never have. I don't buy into the "fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here" mentality because nobody can define "them" in any meaningful way. I have been conditioned to distrust our political leaders. When other countries were saying "hey, wait a minute, let's look at this WMD data a little more closely before we do something stupid," our leaders threw 9-11 in our face and went ahead and did something stupid. No real plan. No exit strategy. No sense.

But how is that the fault of someone sent off to fight and die in our name?

AnySoldier.com

Who can say what makes somebody sign up to be a soldier.

Maybe they signed up so they could get money for college. Maybe they are running away from a life that's worse than a war. Maybe they want to belong to something bigger then themselves. Maybe they are true patriots and believe defending this country is worth risking their lives. Maybe they just want to help out. I don't know.

But what I do know is that they are risking their lives on my behalf and are far braver than I am for doing it. They didn't start a war, they're just trying to do their job the best they can and make it out alive.

So I make care packages.

I send things from home in the hopes that I can brighten their spirits and warm their hearts. I hope my generosity will inspire generosity in return. I hope they represent our country well and treat victims of war with caring and dignity.

I drop everything in my busy life and I go...

I buy snacks. Not shitty snacks that taste like crap and nobody wants to eat. I buy name-brands I know will be appreciated. Snack-Pack chocolate pudding. Campbell's Chunky Soup. Planters Trail Mix, Nature's Harvest snack bars. I find candies that won't melt. I grab a large variety of gum flavors. I buy Oreos and Doritos. I find "to-go" packs of Pringles chips. I seek out luxury foods that I miss when I am far from home. I go to three stores to find a big-box of Red-Hots. I don't really like the idea of killing animals for food, but this isn't about me, so I buy bags of real Oberto Beef Jerkey.

I buy only the best personal hygiene products. Military guys have to shave everyday, and nobody wants to do that with a cheap-ass razor. So I buy the best, most comfortable disposables I can find. I ignore the bargain brands and purchase Neutrogena shave cream. I make sure I have real Q-tips cotton swabs, authentic Kleenex tissues, super-sweet individually-wrapped rolls of premium toilet paper, and only the best toothpaste, toothbrushes, foot powder, lip balm, sun-screen, and everything else I can think of.

I buy magazines. I want to send Maxim with a naked Eva Mendes on the cover (hey, that's what I would want to look at if I could die at any time)... but nudity and partial nudity are forbidden. Instead I buy puzzle books, sports magazines, and some good comics.

I read that soldiers like to watch DVDs in their off-time, so I buy some. And not the discount crap that's old and everybody has already seen... I buy brand new releases of top movies and don't even look at the price tag. And, because opening a DVD is almost impossible under the best conditions, I pre-open them and remove all the tape and crap. I then write "ANYSOLDIER.COM" in permanent marker on the cases and DVDs to try and make sure they aren't stolen and sold.

I buy Beanie Babies. Maybe the soldiers can use them to make friends with the most innocent of victims in this war: the children. I hope such small gestures build friendship and compassion with future generations. I hope it brings a smile to somebody's face when they have nothing to smile about. I hope for so much from something so little. I send hope because, when all is said and done, it's all I really have to give.

I write a note of support and well-wishes because sometimes knowing somebody cares about you is better than an Oreo cookie.

Then I come back and box everything up. I am careful to double-bag any liquids. I am careful to send the shipments of food in separate boxes from the toiletries... because nobody wants Goldfish Crackers that taste like deodorant. I take time I don't really have available to make sure everything is packed perfectly so no space is wasted and everything is protected. What fun is a box of smashed cookies?

I've spent $300. I'll spend even more in shipping charges. It hardly seems adequate.

And now I feel a little better. Maybe even better than if I had taken Prozac.

Tonight I am going to go see The Queen. I hope the movie is as good as people say, because I can't afford to be depressed and visit Any Soldier again until my next paycheck.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  49 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Any Soldier

Posted on Wednesday, January 24th, 2007

Dave!Thanks to everybody who wrote such kind emails and comments during a tough day yesterday.

And many more thanks to those who are considering sending letters or care packages through Any Soldier. I honestly did not anticipate that, yet hundreds of you are clicking through to the site which means quite a lot to me. If only I had mentioned it sooner!

For those who have questions about this very worthy organization, I urge you to visit their site and read as much as you can. But, on top of that, I'll go ahead and add some things I've learned...

First of all, it is not necessary to spend $300 like I did. I was buying for four people, and went overboard because I was able to and wanted to. Anything you send is appreciated, and spending a fortune is not required. Even if you can afford to send nothing at all, you can still write a letter because all it costs you is a stamp. It has been said over and over again that the most requested items from soldiers are letters. Not everybody overseas gets much mail. Knowing that somebody... even a stranger... cares enough to write does more for their morale than you can imagine (hand-written letters show that you put the time in to care, and seem more personal than laser-printed letters or photocopies).

When it comes to what to say to a serviceman or servicewoman, it's always best to remember who you are writing to... somebody living in very dangerous conditions, far from home, who is missing their family and friends. It's also important to remember why you are writing... to offer encouragement and support. With that in mind, you can just put aside your personal opinions about the war being all f#@%ed up. Nobody knows this better than they do, and they don't need to be told that. Instead, try and realize that most of the people serving are doing the best they can to make a better, safer life for native Iraqis or Afghanis whose lives have been torn apart by war. This is what keeps them going through these very confusing times, and acknowledging that is a good place to start. Tell them what's happening back home. Tell them they are appreciated. Let them know you care.

When I send care packages, I usually don't have time to write, so I enclose simple notecards (with Lil' Dave dressed in Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marine attire as appropriate)...

Dave Soldier Note

It's nothing extravagant, just a little note to say that I'm thinking of them, caring about them, and wishing them well along with sending a box of stuff. Hopefully it's enough to give a soldier a smile.

I always include my email address, just in case a soldier wants to write back and say "thanks" or even request something special they need. But it is critical to remember one thing... not all soldiers are able to write back!! They say this over and over on the Any Soldier site, yet I still visit forums and read about people complaining because they never got a thank-you note. This kind of thing drives me nuts, because these people have no clue as to what they are talking about. Just because you don't hear back doesn't mean your thoughts and gifts are unappreciated. It's nice when it happens, but I never expect it.

If you are interested in helping out, I've put further information in an extended entry. Otherwise, I will be traveling for the next 10 days, so entries may be posted late depending on whether I have internet or not...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Karma

Posted on Thursday, January 25th, 2007

Dave!You would think that I would be due some good karma after all the crap that I've been through this week.

You would be wrong.

It seems that karma isn't done raining shit on me just yet, which is always a good sign just as you are about to leave the country. It's at times like this that you start thinking of "mechanical difficulties" happening over the Atlantic and having to land in Greenland or something. Not that I'm badmouthing Greenland... I'm sure it's a perfectly lovely place in the middle of winter... it's just that I'm not ready to visit there yet.

Raining Shit

Take arriving at my hotel, for instance. If you were forced to choose one, which of the following horror stories would you least want waiting for you...

  1. There's no hot water and you'll be taking a cold shower.
  2. All the beds are infested with lice and you must sleep on the floor.
  3. There's 24-hour high-impact dynamite blasting going on next door.
  4. The internet is broken.
I would rather have A-C than D. Heck, I'd rather be kicked in the balls than D. Being without internet while away from home sucks total ass. So guess what the answer is? Why it's D, of course! No internet! CRAP!

With nothing better to do, I decide to go to the mall and get my hair cut. That's when I notice a brand new Johnny Rockets has opened up at the food court. My favorite restaurant! I love Johnny Rockets! But it's me we're talking about, so guess what happens...

  1. You order a veggie burger and they accidentally slip you a dead cow burger.
  2. They are out of veggie burgers.
  3. The deep-fat-fryer is broke, so no fries with your veggie burger.
  4. The cook uses an old burnt bun that's been sitting on the grill sweating, so it's crusted with char on the inside, mooshy and falling apart on the outside.

Yeah, it's D again. Why would you serve somebody a burnt bun with their hamburger? It's insane. Just throw the shit away... don't ruin a customer's dinner over something that costs 25¢! I have eaten at Johnny Rockets all around the country (and once when they had them in Japan) and have never had a bad meal until today.

At this point, I was terrified to get my hair cut. What else was going to happen? Would they accidentally stab me in the eye with the scissors? Would they scalp me a bald patch on the back of my head? What? Turns out it was none of those things. They somehow managed to cut my hair without inflicting any major damage.

Not wanting to press my luck, I decide to go buy me a new iPod Shuffle Clip and call it a night. I really wanted to buy a new "regular" iPod, but I'm waiting for them to add a bigger screen so I can watch videos. In the meanwhile, I'm perfectly happy with a new Shuffle. I think "cute" is the word that best describes it... and you just can't prepare yourself for how tiny it is... it's shorter than a jumbo paperclip!

iPod Shuffle Clip

Here's hoping things start looking up for me in the morning.

   

Audacity

Posted on Friday, January 26th, 2007

Dave!The down-side of living on the West Coast is that the East Coast is 4-1/2 hours away. So any trip to Europe for us automatically adds at least 6 hours once layovers are factored in. The lucky news for me is that NWA airline partner Continental Airlines flies a Seattle — Newark &mdash Cologne route that works out really great if Cologne, Germany happens to be your destination (which mine is).

The bad news is, of course, that you have to stop off in Newark.

Now, before anybody jumps to the conclusion that I am slamming New Jersey, nothing could be further from the truth... I like The Garden State just fine. I just loathe Newark International because their internet service sucks donkey. Naturally, you have to pay for it. So on top of being shitty, almost unusable internet access, you pay through the ass to use it. I f#@%ing hate that shit.

As we landed, I stared across longingly at the New York City skyline and toyed with the idea of catching a taxi, running into the city for a bagel, then rushing back the the airport (hopefully) in time to catch my flight. But the idea of missing my flight and being stuck at Newark was enough to kill that thought real quick.

The nice part about the 4-1/2 hours of airplane travel is that I had time to be completely mesmerized by Barack Obama's book... The Audacity of Hope. Despite the title, the book is kind of depressing. Not because of the content, which is absolutely brilliant, but because Obama is such a tease. He teases us with a future that is all at once hopeful, exciting, wondrous, and so very achievable... yet sadly out of reach given today's political climate. Even if we were lucky enough to have this amazing man as our president, I shudder at the battle he would have to face (against Democrats and Republicans alike) to set us on such a path. I ache for a leader as described in this book... willing to dismiss absolutes and focus on a world of give-and-take for the benefit of all our citizens. But compromise is such a dirty word in politics today, and part of me dies inside knowing that the audacity to hope is more like an audacity to dream.

But revolutions do happen from time to time.

Please let this be our time.

I am not looking forward to the next 8 hours of airplane travel time. For some reason I am feeling a bit queazy, and not at all in a mood to fly again. Hopefully I can get a little bit of sleep, but the cruel reality is that it ain't going to happen. In all these years of travel, I have not yet learned how to sleep on a plane.

Wouldn't it be cool if they would give you a shot to knock you out for the flight, then another to wake you up when you land? I think I've seen The Fifth Element too many times...

Categories: Books, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Day One: Cologne, Germany

Posted on Saturday, January 27th, 2007

Dave!Because I have friends in the city, I've been to Köln (Cologne) here in Germany many times. This has its benefits. I know where everything is, I know how to get around, that kind of thing. But, like with any city I visit that I am already familiar with, I try to find new things to see and do to keep things fresh.

Naturally, I've been to the Kölner Dom (Cologne Cathedral) on previous visits. It's a major landmark for the city and pretty impressive. But I've seen it all before. I've studied the architecture, gaped at the stunning artworks, and marveled at the tiled floor with all those cool mosaics...

Dom Mosaic
Herr Knight Sweetcheeks.

But what I haven't done is climb the spire. There are numerous reasons for this, but I'll narrow it down to the top five...

  • I am terrified of heights.
  • I am terrified of being in confined spaces with tourists.
  • I am terrified of Germans in high places*
  • I am terrified of old buildings that might collapse from age.
  • I am terrified of being so out of shape that I'll collapse on the way up.

But every time I pass on the opportunity, I always regret it on the way home. So this time I decided to throw caution to the wind and just do it. Finally I'll be able to say "I climbed this bitch!" when I see a picture of the cathedral or accost hapless tourists on the streets of Cologne.

The Dom Cologne
525 feet (160 meters) of sheer terror!

Yeah, well, I climbed this bitch, but I was stupid, stupid, stupid to do it. Not only was the climb completely terrifying, but I think I am dead. The good news is that my legs are so pumped now that I could probably jump over the cathedral in a single bound. The view from the top is pretty spectacular though (once you stop crying for your mommy long enough to take a look around)...

Top of the Dom
Oooh, look! Tiny people in that other tower! I'll have to climb that one next time (not).

After I managed to keep from vomiting on the way down, I decided to torture myself at the Hard Rock Cafe. For some reason, German HRCs have terrible service... but I can never figure out why. The staff is always friendly and running around, so it's not like they sit on their asses. Maybe they're just really over-extended? On the up-side, Cologne is better than Berlin, which has given me the worst service of any Hard Rock world-wide (I was seriously considering lighting myself on fire there once after waiting 45 minutes to get my check... all in the hopes that the flames would finally get somebody's attention).

Hard Rock Cologne
Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

Sure enough, it took a half hour to get an order of potato skins (no bacon) and 20 minutes to get a Pepsi refill. When I handed over my credit card, I fully expected that I wouldn't see my server for another 20 minutes. I was thrown into shock when she returned after only 10. Total time for an appetizer order and two glasses of Pepsi... 1 hour, 17 minutes. I timed it. Only about 10 minutes of which was spent eating.

I could have ordered dessert at the Hard Rock, but I didn't have another hour to kill because I wanted to hit a few museums. So instead I stopped off to have a SNACK WAFFLE!!

Snack Waffle!
Not as good as the waffles at the Eiffel Tower, but still delicious!

After lunch, it was museum-time. I first went to the brilliant Wallraf-Richartz Museum to see if they had a special event showing but, sadly, the answer was NEIN! That's okay though, because the third floor alone is always worth the price of admission. They have some sweet impressionist and post-impressionist works I love, including a Monet that's terrific. In the paintings I've seen where Monet is capturing fog or snow, he uses pastels for shading instead of gray. The effect is quite beautiful, and looks different depending on how close you are to this foggy scene...

Monet Foggy
A similarly-styled painting that Monet painted of snow in Giverny hangs in New Orleans.

Then I was off to one of the best modern art museums on the planet... The Ludwig Museum... which was amazing, as always. This time was really cool though, because they had a mind-blowing Paul Klee event, filled with bunches of his pencil drawings and pre-painting study sketches. After looking at really cool art crap for two hours, I exited the museum and saw a group of people walk by dressed as pirates. That's when I remembered there was a Lego store over on Hohe Straße, so I thought I might check to see if they had any pirate Lego in stock. No pirates, but they did have viking Lego, which is pretty sweet.

By now it was approaching 6:00 and was starting to rain so I decided to call it a day (8 hours of constant walking and climbing on no sleep is pretty harsh). Oh yeah... I have to be up for work early in the morning too, so I figure I had best take my exhausted ass back to the hotel for an aspirin and sleep.

Ludwig Museum Roof View
Looking back at Kölner Dom from the roof of the Ludwig Museum... I climbed this bitch!

Holy crap do my legs hurt. I hope I can get out of bed in the morning.

* Remind me to tell the story of nearly being pushed into The Grand Canyon because of a group of eager German tourists. These people are totally fearless when it comes to heights so, naturally, they scare the crap out of me.

   

Day Two: Cologne, Germany

Posted on Sunday, January 28th, 2007

Dave!Bullet Point Sunday will have to wait (Bullet Point Monday?) because there's important stuff going on!

Every year Cologne hosts one of the largest candy shows on the face of the planet (called "ISM") which is a fascinating place to spend a day. There's hundreds of candy makers from around the world showing their latest creations and tempting you with handfuls of free samples. Some of the candies are deliciously familiar... others not so much.

My favorite candies are those that are just bizarre... either by concept or creation. There's candy made from insects. There's candy made from vegetables. There's candy made from gold (yes, real gold!). There's even candy that's made from Jack Daniels!

The show is so massive that I could spend an entire week blogging about it. Since my attention span is quite short, I'll just show a few highlights instead...

ISM Cologne

It's not just the candy that's sweet at the show... it's the samples. High-end chocolates that would cost you major bank to buy can be sampled free! Even better, they are often served up by total babes. There's not many things better than having beautiful women give you candy all day long. Sadly, there are people who really take advantage of this. The worst are those that bring a roller-suitcase, and grab handful after handful at every booth, stuffing their suitcase to overflowing without ever intending to buy anything.

ISM Cologne

Some of the major manufacturers have large booths that range from extravagant to clever. Fisherman's Friend (the throat lozenge guys) built a ship in the middle of their space that was way cool (they are also handing out colorful bags to everybody, which is really smart... their name is everywhere here now).

ISM Cologne

First you find candy that says "hello" to you, then you turn a corner and see candy giving you the finger.

ISM Cologne

Chocolate is, of course, everywhere. One booth hired a guy to carve statues out of chocolate. Another booth built a chocolate waterfall. One booth even has a chocolate volcano. Except there's a guy out front telling everybody "no pictures! no pictures!" To which I can only say WTF? I mean, why are you here if you aren't wanting people to get excited about your company? I took a picture anyway because I thought this was pretty stupid but, since they don't seem to want the publicity, I deleted it once I got back to my hotel.

ISM Cologne

Candy for Bad Monkey! Banana candy isn't seen much in the USA, but it seems to be popping up everywhere else. I found some chocolate-covered banana marshmallows that were tasty (even if they do look like little turds).

ISM Cologne

Some candy is just strange. I saw some "Russian Roulette" candy which featured a box filled with a bunch of delicious flavors... and one "bad" flavor. Since the candies aren't marked, you are literally playing Russian Roulette with the candy "bullets"... trying to avoid the piece that tastes like crap. And of course there was ass candy. You can't have a candy show without ass-pops.

ISM Cologne

Familiar faces show up from time to time... Hello Kitty is everywhere. Other characters are not so familiar (and kind of odd)... like Trolli's "Glotzer" gummy eye-ball guy (who I think is pretty nifty).

ISM Cologne

I thought this company had the right attitude. And cool packaging with their little "Munchy" guys.

ISM Cologne

Haribo had a kind of fashion show going on, where mannequins were dressed up in costumes made from their packaging. It's hard to see in this photo, but those are gold Gummi-Worm packages, and she has the candy worms in her hair. Awesome! I was rather shocked when Sexual Harassment Panda showed up... only to learn that it wasn't Sexual Harassment Panda after all... these guys are mascots for Panda licorice, which is a candy company in Finland.

ISM Cologne

EXTERMINATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! Apparently the Daleks have their own candy. I'm afraid to eat it though, because it could be just another plan to conquer the universe. And speaking of universal domination, the Haribo kid kind of looks like me. But he hangs out with a friendly giant golden bear instead of a bad-ass Bad Monkey, so I think Lil' Dave could take him in a fight.

And now, if you'll excuse me, some of the Belgian booths are cooking up fresh waffles(!) for sampling, and I mean to get me some. Then it's off to Scotland, because I loves me the Walker's Shortbread.

I sure hope I don't end up with a stomach ache tonight...

Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 15

Posted on Monday, January 29th, 2007

Dave!Due to yesterday's breaking news from the floor of ISM, Bullet Point Sunday is on Monday today...

• Access... The internet is a wonderful thing because it lets you keep up with your life no matter where you go. The internet is also a terrible thing because it lets you keep up with your life no matter where you go. Just as I get done with stuff here, I then have to deal with stuff back home all night. It's as if the work-day never ends! This makes it very difficult to keep up with email (32 unanswered), blogs (343 entries unread), and news (108 stories to read). Remember the good old days when you could leave the country and forget about everything else? Hopefully tonight I will have a bit of time to get caught up.

• Fahrt... Two new photos for my fahrt collection!

Fahrt!
It sounds funny because it's like "fart" with an "h"!

• Ambassador... The United States Ambassador to Germany was visiting companies in the USA Pavilion at ISM yesterday. Given all the things he must have on his plate, it was a very generous use of his time. In addition to saying hello, he was also accepting boxes of candies and other goodies to give to injured soldiers at Landstuhl Hospital here in Germany (it's the largest American hospital outside of the US, and many wounded end up there). While the Ambassador was talking with people far more important than me, I had the opportunity to speak with a woman from his office. She tells me that most injured soldiers are flown out of the war-zone with only the clothes on their backs, and arrive at the hospital with nothing. I got an address of the Chaplain's office where stuff can be sent...

Landstuhl Regional Medical Center
ATTN: MCEUL-CH/Chaplains Office
CMR 402 - APO AE 09180

They can only accept NEW items, and are in need of sweat-suits (all sizes), gym bags, and international calling cards. Of course, letters and get-well cards are always welcome. Looks like I have something new to do when I get back home.

• Clockless... Why is it that most of the hotels I visit in Europe don't have alarm clocks? I find myself freaking out each morning because I don't know what time it is.

• for Jenny... Jenny had asked if Peeps were at ISM, so I went to get some Peeps scoop. Turns out that the big news out of Peep-land is that Peeps are now available in GREEN! The new green is replacing white Peeps, which have been discontinued. I remarked that this was probably a good idea because green Peeps are more fun that boring-ass white Peeps, but was told that the white ones will probably still be missed because they are popular at weddings...

Green Peeps!
We be ready for St. Patrick's Day, bitches!

• Panties... My hotel room here in Cologne doesn't have the best of views. I'm not overlooking the cathedral or having a view of the Rhine River or anything. What I DO overlook is an apartment building. An apartment building that has a woman who very much likes walking around her home wearing nothing but a bra and a pair of panties. Ordinarily, this could be a good thing, but I think she must be like 90 years old or something, so it's actually kind of freaky.

• Screamer... Why is it that when English-speaking persons are talking to somebody whose English skills are not that great, THEY FEEL THAT YELLING AND TALKING LOUDLY MAKES THEM MORE EASILY UNDERSTOOD?!? It drives me nuts, and I don't understand the logic... yet I see it everywhere.

• Scary... As beautiful as Kölner Dom is, I can't help but note that it is positively terrifying at night. Kind of like a scary haunted castle or something...

Scary Cathedral
Welcome to Count Dracula's Summer Home.

• Redux... Last night I was going to have dinner at a little pizza restaurant I like, but they had the doors locked for some reason (even though there were people inside). I was kind of craving some Twisted Mac & Cheese from the Hard Rock, so I decided to give them a second chance. Service was much better this time around. 4 minutes to get my Pepsi. 17 minutes to get my Mac & Cheese. 7 minutes to get my Pepsi refill. 5 minutes to get my bill settled. In other words, it was a typical Hard Rock experience for me with the good service and good food I've come to expect. I have no idea why it would be otherwise for my other visits, but am glad to know it does work from time to time.

• Sexy... Today I found out that Cologne is the only city in Germany that actively taxes prostitutes. No... no... no... no... i did NOT learn this from personal experience... I overheard it in the hotel lobby. Interestingly enough, Wikipedia has an entire page devoted to Prostitution in Germany, where I was able to verify this.

And now that I've spent my 15-minute lunch-break blogging, I guess it's time to get back to work.

   

Day Four: Cologne, Germany

Posted on Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

Dave!Yesterday afternoon as I was walking back through the ISM show, I had to save some poor young woman from getting trampled by an anxious group of guys in suits who had just gotten off the escalator. When I helped her steady herself, I noticed that she was pregnant and quite upset. Who could blame her. After guiding her away from the crowds, I asked if she was okay, which only seemed to confuse her. I tried again with my terrible German skills, which made her laugh (hopefully "Bist du gutes? Ja?" isn't something horribly offensive). She then said "thank you" (in English) and was gone. Just my luck she wasn't German at all, and I offered to milk her goat in her native tongue or something.

I have been gravely disappointed that there haven't been many monkey candies at the ISM show this year. Usually, there are several companies with monkeys on their packaging, but there's been a drought this time around. Until I found a chocolates company called "Most" who has some beautiful packaging with monkeys on it...

Monkey Chocolates!
"Do you love your monkey or do you love me? Why can't you set your monkey free?"

Speaking of beautiful, there are many great things about Germany, but I think mayonnaise in a tube has got to be at the top of the list...

Mayonnaise in a Tube!
THOMY Mayo was okay, but I prefer Best Foods Mayo (known as Hellmann's Mayo, to you Easterners).

Great chocolate is probably on the list too. The other day I headed back to my hotel early so I could try and solve some kind of networking problem I was having (smearing mayonnaise on my PowerBook didn't seem to help). But when I got there, the problem had mysteriously disappeared (mayo rules!), leaving me with a free hour on my hands while I waited for my dinner meeting. I decided to walk along the Rhine for a bit until I ran across Schokoladenmuseum (Chocolate Museum). Since I had never been inside, I decided to take a look...

Schokoladenmuseum
Awwwww.... cute! Little Pink Coat Girl was running around in circles!

My favorite part would have to be the big chocolate fountain. As I approached, a woman was dipping waffle sticks in the warm chocolate and passing them around. Needless to say, it was fantastic. I could have easily skipped dinner and ate chocolatey waffles all night long.

Schokoladenmuseum
This would look totally awesome my living room.

Inside the museum is a working chocolate factory sponsored by Lindt. They make all kinds of stuff, including these nifty molded chocolates...

Schokoladenmuseum
That is one big cock and pussy! They're as big as a grizzly bear!

The museum is built in such a way that you can view the process from every angle, even from above...

Schokoladenmuseum
Screaming "DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME F#@%ING CHOCOLATE?!?" is apparently not funny.

The factory section is beautifully located on the Rhine River, overlooking the riverboats and the cathedral...

Schokoladenmuseum
"Hey baby, waffles aren't the only thing that taste good when dipped in chocolate!"

The German language is great. The best thing about it is that Germans are happy to smoosh a whole bunch of words together to make new words (one of my favorites being "Fahrgastausstiegswunschtaste" which is the button you push on a bus when you want to exit... I think there's got to be four or five words in there!). Sometimes you'll see words so long that your brain explodes trying to decipher it. I also like how German is so strangely familiar to me, despite the fact that I haven't studied it in years. It doesn't take a dictionary to figure out that this sign is saying "The third floor is closed for remodeling, thank you for your understanding" (or something like that)...

Schokoladenmuseum
NOOOOOOOOO! That's probably where they keep the Oompa Loompas!

The museum also features a small greenhouse so people can see actual chocolate plants growing. It's more impressive when viewed from the outside though...

Schokoladenmuseum
"Cocoa plants? Suuuuuuurrre that's all you grow in your greenhouse..."

And that's the Schokoladenmuseum. Worth a look if you happen to be visiting Cologne.

Now, if all goes as planned, I'll be leaving the country this afternoon for a few days vacation...

Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Day Five: Madrid, Spain

Posted on Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

Dave!For an art museum whore like myself, Madrid is a dream come true.

There are several major museums within the city, and a dozen more minor ones that are brilliant in their own right. With this in mind, I have long wanted to visit Madrid, and it was on the top of my list of places to escape to after my work was finished in Cologne. Fortunately, the city is served by the ever-cheap and wonderful GermanWings airline, so off I went...

Madrid Statue
"Could somebody wipe this bird crap off my forehead?"

Anybody wanting to tag along for a very busy day of goofing around in Madrid can read about it in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Day Six: Lisbon, Portugal

Posted on Thursday, February 1st, 2007

Dave!I had set a wake-up call for 6:00am with the intention of getting up with the sunrise and seeing a bit more of Madrid at dawn. Yesterday I had noticed that the light was really nice in the morning, and intended to take advantage of it.

Yeah, like that was going to happen. I was so totally dead from miles of walking yesterday that I barely made it out the door for my 10:00 shuttle to the airport.

After an uneventful 1-hour plane ride (assuming sitting behind a smelly, smelly man during the flight and then having to wait 50 minutes for my luggage counts as "uneventful"), here I am in Lisbon, another city I've never been to before. Since it was lunchtime when I got to my hotel, I tossed my luggage in the closet and headed out to the Hard Rock Cafe...

Hard Rock Cafe Lisbon

Turns out this is a fantastic dual-level property with really interesting architecture and an incredible amount of memorabilia stacked from floor to ceiling...

Hard Rock Cafe Lisbon

In recognition for their awesomeness in winning "World-Wide Cafe of the Month" back in November, Lisbon has the honor of getting to display an original Jimi Hendrix guitar from his appearance on the Dick Cavett Show in 1969 (previous months were won by Buenos Aires, Lake Tahoe, Dublin, Houston, and Kowloon cafes)...

Hard Rock Cafe Lisbon

With plenty of daylight left, I decided to take a walk down to the Tagus River and see the sights. One thing you tend to notice quite quickly is that the sidewalks here in Lisbon are made from beautiful stone mosaic patterns, some of which are quite ornate. I guess when you live here, it's easy to take the sidewalks for granted, but I found myself looking down just as often as up...

Lisbon Mosaic

The city of Lisbon itself is quite nice. It has a very different "feel" to it from other European cities. Almost Caribbean or something... it's very strange, but in a good way. About the only thing that wasn't pleasant is being pestered every fifteen minutes to buy some sunglasses (Armani! Very beautiful!) or other imitation crap. But that wasn't nearly as exciting as being offered some hash every ten minutes (Hashish! Good hash!). Though all of that pales when compared to some guy who came up to me with a Canon EOS camera in a paper sack...

GUY: Want to buy camera? Very good price!
   
DAVE: Uhhhh... nope, I'm good.
   
GUY: Are you sure?
   
DAVE: Sure I don't want to buy an obviously stolen camera? Yes, I'm quite sure.
   
GUY: But I give you very good price!

Oddly enough, I was just thinking about how I wish I had my own Canon EOS Rebel with me. I left it back home because I had loads of crap to haul over for work and didn't want to bother with it. Still, my little pocket camera takes some pretty good shots...

Lisbon Dom Pedro

Lisbon Praco

PHONE CALL!

Living the jet-set lifestyle like I do (ha!) can make for some strange interactions with people back home. Mostly because nobody is ever really sure of where you are or what you are doing. Like Bad Robert, who just called me as I was writing this entry...

DAVE: (answering phone) Hello?
   
ROBERT: Dude, I need to get my car to the shop. Can you bring me back home so I don't have to sit there all day?
   
DAVE: Dude, I'm in Lisbon.
   
ROBERT: Can you drop by after you're done?
   
DAVE: I'm in PORTUGAL... I won't be back until Sunday.
   
ROBERT: (dramatic pause) Oh. I thought you meant like the restaurant.
   
DAVE: Huh?
   
ROBERT: So how are things in Lisbon.
   
DAVE: Pretty good so far. I've only been here for four hours.
   
ROBERT: Ah. Hey... do you wanna know what Ben did to his car?
   
DAVE: Is it worth the dollar-a-minute this phone call is costing me to find out?
   
ROBERT: Uh... probably not. Oooh! Call me when you get back! I need to tell you about my new air horn!

And so it goes...

I haven't a clue what I'm going to be doing tonight. About the only things I can be sure I WON'T be doing is this...

Lisbon Sound of Music

Because the only way I could sit through The Sound of Music would be if I was doped up on hash.

Hey! Wait a minute... I might just have plans for tonight after all...

   

Day Seven: Lisbon, Portugal

Posted on Friday, February 2nd, 2007

Dave!Lisbon is a remarkable city and I absolutely love it here. Which is why it's strange that today I got the idea to create "The International Directory of Assholes" book. But more on that later.

My day began when I took a walk through the Alfama. This is the oldest district of Lisbon, home to winding little streets and clustered houses that spill down the slope of a large hill. And at the top of the hill is the Castle of São Jorge, which is where my day of tourist wanderings began. It's not a very impressive castle, but the panoramic view of Lisbon from the top is pretty sweet...

Lisbon Castle

Since I arrived early in the morning, I had the castle pretty much to myself, which was kind of nice...

Lisbon Castle

As I walked down the hillside towards the river, I noted a number of churches along the way. The most famous being the "Sé"... which is fairly simple by European cathedral standards, but still worth a visit...

Lisbon Se

After I had worked my way out of the Alfama, I decided to take the bus along the shoreline to Belém. This is a district west of the city proper which is famous for being the place where many of the famous Portuguese explorers departed on their journeys (like Vasco da Gama). It is also home to one of Lisbon's most famous landmarks, "Monument to the Discoveries"...

Lisbon Monument

All in all, there's 30 famous Portuguese historical figures running down both sides of the monument, each one remarkably detailed...

Lisbon Monument

As you continue west, you'll eventually run across the Tower of Belém, which you can climb up and wander around. It was built to be fully-functional with canon armaments and such (despite its highly decorative nature)...

Lisbon Tower

Backtracking along the other side of the roadway, I worked my way back to the Rua de Belém so I could drop by a pastry shop that's been selling little custard tarts for over 150 years called "Pastel de Belém." This is also the place you can visit the Archaeological Museum, the Maritime Museum, and the Jerónimos Monastery, which is pretty cool...

Lisbon Monastary

Inside, the roof of the Church of Santa Maria has a cool-looking spider-web design which is pretty slick...

Lisbon Monastary

Before leaving the Belém district, I was sure to stop at one of Lisbon's most popular tourist spots... The Coaches Museum. It's kind of an odd idea for a museum, but it is interesting to be able to see all the ornate craftsmanship that goes into these rolling works of art...

Lisbon Coaches Museum

The remainder of my day (along with the reason for my new "assholes" book idea) can be found in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Day Eight: Cologne, Germany

Posted on Saturday, February 3rd, 2007

Dave!So here I am in Germany again, awaiting my flight back to the USA tomorrow morning. It's a bit sad, because there always seems to be a dozen things that I would like to do in Europe every time I'm getting ready to leave it.

Though there is one thing that I will not mind leaving behind... the smoking. There's really no way to escape it and, since it seems like 99% of the people here love their cigarettes, there's not much that can be done about it. Sure many restaurants offer up a "no smoking section," but it's in name only. I can't tell you how many times I've been put in the "non-smoking section" only to have people light up at the very next table. Even at the Hard Rock, it turns out the "non-smoking section" usually ends up being just a few tables immediately next to the smoking area (which, let's be honest, is the entire restaurant).

An even better example could be found as I was waiting for my flight this morning. There I was sitting in Lisbon's airport which has signs posted saying "Lisbon Airport is Non-Smoking." But there are "smoker's kiosks" everywhere, and all the cafes and bars allow you to light up. Non of these areas are segregated or ventilated in any way, so this self-proclaimed "non-smoking airport" is filled with smoke...

Eurosmoke

By the time I boarded my flight, my clothes reeked of cigarettes so badly that you would think I had just smoked a pack prior to hopping on the plane. It's one thing to go to a bar where you are expecting people to smoke... but it always bothers me to be eating cigarette smoke with my meal or having to sit in a cloud of it while being held captive at the airport. It's been 15 years since I've smoked a cigarette... maybe I should start up again so it won't bother me so much next time?

Speaking of being held hostage...

Here at my hotel, I have three choices for internet access...

  • 1/2 Hour for €4.50 ($5.80) - Usable ONLY in the hotel lobby, bandwidth limit of 50 megs.
  • 2 Hours for €9.50 ($12.30) - Usable ONLY in the hotel lobby, bandwidth limit of 150 megs.
  • 24 Hours for €29.00 ($37.50) - Useable anywhere, non-transferrable, bandwidth limit of 400 megs.

WTF?!? To use the internet in the comfort of your own hotel room, it's a minimum of $37.50. That's THIRTY-SEVEN DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!! Holy shit! I could probably take a taxi into Cologne and get blown for that! It amazes me that Europe has such astoundingly high access fees AND puts limits on your bandwidth (as opposed to back home where many hotels offer free internet with no limits). I guess I won't be downloading any new television shows for the flight.

Oh well... my television here gets Comedy Central TV, so I'm going to watch Pamela Anderson in an episode of Stacked. Believe it or not, she's actually funny when dubbed in German.

Probably because I can't understand a word she's saying.

Bleh. I am not looking forward to a 9 hour flight, followed by an hour layover, followed by a 6 hour flight, followed by a 4 hour layover, followed by a 45 minute flight. That's almost 21 hours of total travel torture. When are we going to be able to beam ourselves from one place to another like on Star Trek?

Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 16

Posted on Sunday, February 4th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Point Sunday at 30,000 feet as I fly cross-country for my layover in Seattle!

• Mouthy... Is there an over-abundance of loud-mouthed, obnoxious bitches in the world... or is it just my grave misfortune to be consistently seated in their vicinity during long plane flights? I had yet another one behind me for a lovely 9 hour flight out of Cologne. This woman talked CONTINUOUSLY, irritating the shit out of just about everybody. Fortunately, by the time she got to her rant about Mexico being a "dirty, disgusting, 3rd-world country that she won't visit," I was able to turn on my iPod. This saved her from my wrath, as I was just about to start screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUP!! But, alas, I couldn't resist being a smart-ass when she was in the lavatory...

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

Stupid Airplane Bitches

And you know what? I don't even f#@%ing apologize for saying it. Screw her and her big mouth, because NOBODY wanted to hear it. All we wanted to do was have a peaceful flight under cramped, horrible conditions, and I don't think that's too much to ask. Read a book. Watch the movie. Listen to music. Do whatever the f#@% gets you through those nine hours... AS LONG AS IT ISN'T BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYBODY ELSE! Because blathering loudly about stupid shit while people are trying to relax or sleep or work or whatever is just making you an inconsiderate asshole.

• Vistahahaha... And while I'm on the subject of people saying stupid shit... has Bill Gates started smoking crack? I've been catching up with my news feeds, and have no other explanation for his recent bizarre comments. I guess when you are on the defensive, you'll come up with all kinds of crazy stuff to explain why a product that took TEN YEARS to release is so lame compared to the competition.

• Overhead... I love it when some dumbass comes rolling on the plane with his full suitcase, briefcase, lunch bag, AND carry-on, then starts demanding that people take their stuff out of the overhead bins so he can fit in all his crap... "IS THIS YOURS? YOU CAN FIT THIS UNDER YOUR SEAT!! COME ON! THAT CAN FIT UNDER YOUR SEAT!!" Yeah, well f#@% you buddy, I check my luggage and carry on my one measly little knapsack so I can have the much-needed legroom. Why don't you shove your massive roller-bag up your ass... or, perhaps, check it at the ticket desk so people don't have to listen to your bullshit.

• Stamp... Since my previous passport expired, I had to get a new one. Once again I have noticed how other countries have passport control personnel who carefully stamp your entrance and exit neatly into the square boxes and in sequential order. Why in the hell do USA passport control people decide to skip ahead 3 pages, then stamp your passport outside the boxes in the middle of the f#@%ing page? That page is then rendered useless, which is why frequent travelers like me end up having to purchase extra pages for our passports. I mean, you are stamping passports all f#@%ing day long, and you haven't figured out how to make it fit in the box? On the up-side, I have to say that my entry into the USA via Newark International was one of the quickest, nicest, most courteous immigrations and customs checks I have ever had. Bravo to the people at Newark who obviously have their shit together (except when it comes to getting the stamp to fit in the box).

• Security... I wonder what the penalty is for bitch-slapping a TSA agent? I don't want to end up in jail or anything, but I am getting sick and tired of their idiotic behavior. "DO YOU HAVE A LAPTOP IN YOUR BAG SIR? YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOUR LAPTOP FROM YOUR BAG, REMOVE YOUR SHOES, THEN REMOVE YOUR JACKET!!" Uhhh... okay... let me get to the table first... "YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOUR LAPTOP FROM THE BAG NOW SIR TO AVOID HOLDING UP THE LINE!!" Yeah, well, there are six people ahead of me before I can get to the table, and I'm not talented enough to juggle my laptop, jacket, and knapsack while trying to remove my shoes at the same time. If you want me to do all that crap sooner, get a longer f#@%ing table and stop riding my ass over something that takes me 20 seconds ONCE I GET TO THE TABLE.

And here I am in Seattle where I can post my entry and then sit around for four hours while I wait for my final flight home. Extended layovers suck ass.

   

Breakup

Posted on Monday, February 5th, 2007

Dave!Last night as I was killing time before my flight home, I came to the conclusion that the vending machines offered better dining options than any of the restaurants at the airport. Once I had decided on a bottle of Gatorade and a bag of Cheddar Chex Mix, I wandered around looking for a quiet spot to eat dinner. Eventually I found a deserted area and did my best to disappear. It was nice and peaceful for about 5 minutes... but then some guy sat down around the corner to make a call on his mobile phone... apparently unaware that I was there.

Not that I was trying to listen in on his conversation or anything, but I did get the gist of what was going on... the poor bastard got dumped by his girlfriend just before he flew to Seattle to visit his parents.

Nice.

He had just landed and was calling up his now-ex-girlfriend in an effort to win her back. From the fifteen-minute call that ensued, I gathered it was a futile effort. Despite professing his undying love and devotion, she was unmoved. Their relationship was now over.

Needless to say, the guy was devastated. Having been there myself, I could totally relate.

And now he had to put on a brave face and go meet his parents for dinner with a broken heart. The thought of it still haunts me, so when everything that could go wrong did go wrong on my first day back, I tried not to let it get me down.

Because somewhere in Seattle, somebody is having a much worse day than I am.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Breezy

Posted on Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

Dave!Oh that's just swell... my internet connection is freaking out again. I think it must have something to do with the cheap-ass router they gave me when I signed up for DSL, because even a power-down and reset doesn't fix things. I wonder how much that's going to cost to replace?

As I sit here like an internet junkie without his broadband smack, I contemplate putting away my MacBook and unpacking my suitcase full of dirty clothes before it starts to smell. But I've got a full bottle of Febreeze under the sink, so I decide to wait for the weekend. Hopefully nothing comes alive in there in the next four days.

Instead I think I'll draw monkeys with guns...

Monkeys with Guns

Monkeys with guns are funny.

Unless, of course, you happen to be anywhere in the vicinity when they are firing them off. Something tells me that monkeys would tend to be a bit irresponsible with guns.

Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Unclean

Posted on Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

Dave!This is probably one of the worst days ever, even though I got a new router and have internet access again.

For reasons I won't dwell on, it became necessary for me to have access to Microsoft Windows Vista. My POS Dell PC (which imploded a few months back) didn't seem to want to install it, so I was left with the option of either buying a new Windows machine, or installing Vista on my Mac (something I swore I would never do). Since time was of the essence, and the idea of having to buy a new PC filled me with dread, I decided to just bite the bullet and defile my Mac with Microsoft's latest abomination of an OS...

Dave Parallels

I used a Mac program called "Parallels" which allows you to run Windows right along with Mac applications on the same screen. It's not the best Windows experience, but it is the most convenient. It allows you to start up Windows and shut it down almost instantly, which is pretty slick. Windows apps even appear in your Dock...

Windows Vista

This does nothing to make me feel better about running the Windows OS on my beautiful Mac, however. I just feel so... unclean. Kind of like I need to drink a bottle of Scotch to forget or something.

Anyway, I've put a superficial review of Vista in an extended entry. In summary, it sucks ass. If you want the details as to why I feel that way, feel free to read onward.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

F#@%INGCOCACOLABASTARDS!

Posted on Thursday, February 8th, 2007

Dave!I just knew that no good could come from installing Microsoft Windows Vista. It has set off a chain of events that will certainly lead to catastrophic death and destruction for the entire planet.

And the reason I know this is true is because I just got off the phone with the Coca-Cola bottling company of Northern California to verify that Coke with Lime has been discontinued here on the West Coast. You can still buy the diet shit, but the regular stuff is no longer available.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

F#@%ING COCA-COLA BASTARDS!! Get people addicted to your shit, then take it away! I hate it when that happens!

Dave Fuck

Why, it seems like just yesterday that I discovered the joys of Coke with Lime...

Dave's Coke with Lime

And Mooselet led me to discover the sweet asses of the Coke with Lime Girls...

Coke with Lime Girls

And I found out just how much better life is with a little lime in it...

Dave with Lime

Now that it's gone, I hope that I don't end up selling myself on the street for a taste of that sweet, oh so sweet, nectar of the gods...

Will have sex for Coke

I'm probably going to have to start smoking crack now in order to ween myself off of my Coke with Lime habit. Thanks a lot Coke f#@%ers! Crack is expensive, and I've got bills to pay!

Crap! I can only guess that my installing Microsoft Windows Vista will cause Golden Oreos to be discontinued next. Followed by U-NO candy bars. And those Cottonelle pre-moistened ass-wipes I like so much (wiping my ass will never be fun again!).

I WILL AVENGE YOU MY COKE WITH LIME!!

Clearly, Microsoft must be destroyed.

Oh great, I just got a call telling me that there is a safety recall notice for my motorcycle.

WTF?? I wonder what's going to happen next?

UPDATE: Well I guess I got my answer... Anna Nicole Smith DEAD after staying at my beloved Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida.

Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  47 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Explorers

Posted on Friday, February 9th, 2007

Dave!Will somebody please give me a couple million dollars so I can stop working and travel the earth?

Because this morning I woke up and realized that I have never been to South America and started freaking out. Will I ever get to see Rio de Janeiro's Cristo Redentor before I die? Or the ruins at Machu Picchu? The Galapagos Islands? Iguazu Falls? Angel Falls? Or even Isla Margarita? I think that I would be very disappointed in whatever afterlife awaits if I didn't at least visit Lake Titicaca. Because when hanging out with your deceased friends, I'd imagine nothing would be a better conversation-starter than "Yeah, I did Titicaca."

Perhaps I am being greedy though. I've been lucky enough to have seen more of this planet than many people ever will. Shouldn't I be satisfied with that much?

Being the greedy bastard that I am, I'm fairly certain the answer is "no." Because no matter how much I see and do, there's always someplace new to explore...

Dave Explorers

And really, when I stop and think about it, South America is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot of holes on my map that need filling in. A lot of places that I would like to visit. A lot of new friends to make. A lot of life to experience.

Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm just freaking out because I woke up and discovered I was out of clean underwear. I ended up wearing swimming trunks under my pants today, and I'm pretty sure this can mess with your head.

   

But if somebody still wants to give me a couple million dollars, that would be great.

   

Panned

Posted on Saturday, February 10th, 2007

Dave!Wow. I just got back from watching Guillermo del Toro's motion picture masterpiece, Pan's Labyrinth. I already knew he was genius from his works on Hellboy and The Devil's Backbone... but this film exceeded even my loftiest expectations. It somehow manages to seamlessly blend a brutal reality with fantasy in a way that doesn't totally suck. If you can stomach the violence (and don't mind subtitles), it's definitely worth a look.

Taking place in Spain during World War II, Pan's Labyrinth is a little girl's attempt to escape the horrors of war to a fantasy realm that has perils of its own. Along the way she meets some interesting friends and even more interesting adversaries...

Pan's Labyrinth

About the only negative was having to see the film in a theater filled with idiots which included...

  • A group of emo goth dumbasses who talked the entire time. Assumably because they were too f#@%ing stupid to read subtitles and too lame to just leave the theater and sit at McDonalds for ten hours.
  • Three rude whores resembling Jabba the Hutt who not only couldn't shut the f#@% up, but snuck in large bags of Doritos that they then crinkled constantly while stuffing their faces with chips.
  • One moron who wasn't able to drink without choking, and spent most of the film hacking up phlegm.
  • Two stupid bitches who had to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes... together. From their non-stop giggling, I can only guess they were snorting cocaine, blazing up on meth, or otherwise killing their few remaining brain cells.

Whatever happened to the good old days when you went to the movies, sat down, shut the f#@% up, and watched the film?

Speaking of "the good old days" — I find it amazing how the "remastered" special effects they're sneaking into the original Star Trek series has reinvigorated the show. I just finished watching a remastered The Doomsday Machine, and it was pretty sweet! The originals could always hold their own against any of the crappy Trek spin-offs that followed, but now they're at a whole new level of greatness. And, unlike George Lucas shitting all over the Star Wars trilogy, the people working on Star Trek are actually respecting the source material. The stories and spirit remain unchanged... the show just looks fresher.

If only we could do the same for Jennifer Love Hewitt's freaky bangs on the first season of The Ghost Whisperer.

Categories: Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 17

Posted on Sunday, February 11th, 2007

Dave!A long Sunday trying to get caught up with work AND get my laundry washed. The bad news is that this wasn't a very relaxing weekend. The good news is that I have plenty enough clean underwear to last me a while.

• Grammy Stupidity... I tuned into the Grammys this year so I could see The Police reunion (which was amazing, as expected) and there's an American Idol-type contest going on. Why? Why do they do this stupid crap? If it takes gimmicky stuff like this to get people to watch the Grammys, then don't bother broadcasting them anymore. I mean, sheesh, isn't THE MUSIC enough without having to resort to "reality television" bullshit? I guess since The Police were the opening act, I can just skip the rest of this joke of an awards show and read who won in the morning.

Kitty Spangles Loves You

• New Kitty... I've been beta-testing version 3 of the bestest computer solitaire card game ever... Kitty Spangles Solitaire! Now out of beta, Swoop Software has upped the game count from 18 to 32, which is pretty sweet. About the only thing I don't like is the new font they're using on the cards, which I find more difficult to read than the older version, but it's still a terrific time-killer app that everybody should have on their Mac. I wrote about Kitty here (and butchered her pet pig Ferdiham here). You can get your own copy for just $19.95 here.

• HP Insanity... For the past five months, I've been fighting with Hewlett Packard to return a box of frickin' paper their web site sold me that was mistakenly listed as working on my printer (which it didn't). Well, finally, after sending emails to everybody I could find at HP, a reply was sent from the company president telling me that they would pass my complaint on to the proper person. Having heard it all before, I was ready to give up... but lo and behold, somebody did contact me. They apologized for the problem, then sent me a box of the correct paper. And so, while I have no plans of ever buying anything from HP again after how I was treated, it is nice to know that EVENTUALLY they did the right thing (even if it wasted hours of my time to get it to happen).

Dave's Coke with Lime

• Lime Hoarding... Ever since learning that the dumbasses at Coca-Cola Bottling for the West Coast have decided to discontinue my beloved Coke with Lime, I've been stockpiling the stuff. I think I have enough to last me a few months now. Hopefully by the time I've run out, I'll have found a way to make my own. I've ordered seven different varieties of lime flavoring, and have my fingers crossed that one of them will do the trick.

• Back it up... Just a quick plea to everybody who thinks that data loss can't happen to them... you're wrong. In my 25 years of using personal computers, I've never experience catastrophic failure until the hard drive in my new MacBook Pro died a horrible death (taking all my files with it). Fortunately, I maintain weekly backups of all my data, and was able to recover pretty much everything. When I think of all the precious data I could have lost... all my music... all my travel photos... all my drawings... well, it's a real testicle-shriveling experience. If you don't back-up, start. If you do back-up, make sure it's kept current.

And, on that note, I'm off to fold my freshly-laundered wardrobe before I pass out. Or maybe I'll be passing out on top of my freshly-laundered wardrobe since it's all stacked on my bed. Either way, I'm too tired to brush my teeth. I wonder if I just suck on a Tic-Tac and scrape my teeth with a fingernail if that's the same thing?

Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Plodding

Posted on Monday, February 12th, 2007

Dave!Today I got lambasted by a friend because I am not watching Lost and Heroes.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT BE WATCHING THE TWO COOLEST SHOWS ON TELEVISION?!? she screamed at me. "OMG! THEY ARE BOTH GETTING SOOOOOOOO GOOD JUST NOW!"

Yeah, well I had fallen for that before, and swore never again, so I decided to ask a few questions about Lost...

  • "Have they explained what the smoke monster is?" — No.
  • "Have they explained what The Others wanted with Walt?" — No.
  • "Have they explained why The Others took the baby?" — No.
  • "Have they explained what The Others are doing on the island?" — No.
  • "Have they explained what Hurley's numbers mean?" — No.
  • "Have they explained what the island is for?" — No.
  • "HAVE THEY EXPLAINED ANYTHING ON THAT STUPID, STUPID SHOW?" — No.
  • So, in other words, they're still just piling more confusing shit on top of the same old crap instead of wrapping anything up and going forward? — Uhhh... yes?

Uh huh. No thanks. If this were truly a GOOD show (like Veronica Mars) then most of the questions would have been answered by now, and they would be moving on to newer, more interesting mysteries. I have no desire to be strung along by lazy writers who can't figure this out. We're half-way through Season 3 and monkeys are more likely to fly out of my ass than anything getting resolved on Lost any time soon...

Monkeys Fly Out of My Ass

And for Heroes, it's even easier...

  • "Are we getting more than one decent 'super-power' special effect per episode?" — Not really.

Well there you go. Heroes is just plodding along with boring-ass "B-characters" like "Mirror Girl" and "Mind-Reader Guy" while everybody with interesting powers just sit around talking about boring shit. Forget it. Until somebody gets the money to make a REAL super-hero show where people who can fly ACTUALLY F#@%ING FLY and shit... it's just not worth my time. I'll read a comic book WHERE STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS if I want to see heroes.

Anyway... I've taken an alphabet meme from 511 and slapped it in an extended entry, because it's probably more interesting than watching an episode of non-Heroes tonight...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Listen

Posted on Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Dave!People don't take the time to listen anymore. There are simply too many distractions in this modern world for them to concentrate on what other people say.

A prime example of this was provided to me in the parking lot of Office Depot this afternoon. As I was exiting the store, I notice a man and a woman unloading the car parked next to mine. The man said "Have you got the keys?" The woman replied "No, they're on the seat." The man then slammed the door anyway, thus locking them out. This got him the Stare of Death from the woman, to which he could only reply "What?"

And the problem only seems to get worse with each new generation.

It's for this reason that I am dreading being a speaker on "Career Day" at the local high school this Friday...

Dave Teacher

I used to do this fairly often for local schools, but then I was ignored for the past four years. I had guessed it was because the teachers finally figured out that I was the last person who should be advising today's youth on their future. Apparently they either forgot this, or somebody new was put in charge, so here I am again.

The very first time I spoke at Career Day, I dressed up in a nice suit and tie and was all professional and stuff. After my presentation, the first question I got was "What do you like best about your job?" I then realized that the best part of my job was that I didn't have to wear a suit and tie. Oops. But subsequent Career Days got easier and easier for me, and I never minded showing up when asked. If nothing else, it allowed me to dispel the illusion that graphic designers have an easy job because they just sit around drawing pictures all day (yeah, if only).

The problem is that very few of the kids that show up to learn about being a graphic designer have any interest in graphic design. They're only there because teachers force them to choose four careers to investigate, and "graphic designer" sounds less boring than say, ohhhh... "accountant" (with apologies to any accountants out there, because I'm sure it's a fascinating career to those who like being creative with numbers all day... something that terrifies me).

But the hardest part is knowing that most of the kids who show up that are interested in graphic design probably don't have the talent to be successful at it. This is because most working graphic artists are commercial artists, which is a freaky kind of mind-set to try to work within. Being consistently creative under pressure in a way that sells is not always as easy as it sounds.

So, given all that, why do I bother volunteering to speak at Career Day?

Because there might be one or two kids who have the desire, talent, and ambition to actually be a good graphic designer one day. Maybe something I have to say will be helpful to them.

If only they choose to listen.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Romanticized

Posted on Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

Dave!Ah yes, another Valentine's Day.

Even if I didn't know this from looking at a calendar or cruising the blogosphere, I would probably be able to guess because of the search referrals showing up in my blog stats. For the past couple of days I've been hammered by people searching for "romance" and "love" and such.

One of the more popular entries returned is from a meme question I answered back in May 2005...

How would somebody go about winning your heart? Don't try to change me. Don't lie to me. Don't make me be the one to always decide what to do. Don't smoke. Don't expect me to read your mind. Don't smother me. Don't buy me stuffed animals. Don't obsess over my every move. Don't demand to know what I've been doing every moment of every day. Don't ask me to like your friends that don't like me. Don't ask me to forgive you for making out with your ex-boyfriend because "nothing happened." Don't get upset when I don't feel like going shopping. Don't be cruel. Don't play mind-games. Don't think you can't talk to me about it. Don't get mad at me for something without letting me know why. Don't go to bed angry. Don't think I don't care. Or, if all else fails, iron my shirt and buy me a beer.

Yeah, I know... I know... I'm a total romantic. But that pales in comparison to the heart-warming story I answered for another meme back in September of 2004...

What's the most romantic gesture someone's made to you? A girl I was dating completely disarmed me once when she gave me new shoelaces. Yes, shoelaces. I was flying out on a trip, and she stopped to see me off on her way to work. After giving me a goodbye kiss, she handed me a package of shoelaces with a bow on top. She had noticed that my laces were a little "mangy," and thought I should have a new pair for my trip. The fact that she paid attention to such a tiny detail in my life really meant a lot to me. No other romantic gesture has ever come close.

Awwwww... a pity she ended up going psycho on me because, other than the feeling that she was going to kill me in my sleep one night, she was a keeper. And, on that happy note, here is this year's Valentine Card from me to you...

Blogography Valentine 2007

Uhhh... you'll have to forgive Bad Monkey. He's been kicked in the teeth by love one too many times.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day. My cards from the three previous years are in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Infallible

Posted on Thursday, February 15th, 2007

Dave!A couple years ago when they were electing a new Pope, I decided it would be a good idea to sign up for the position. It seemed like a sweet career move and, if nothing else, I thought it would be cool to drive around in the Popemobile and pick up women.

I don't know if you heard, but I didn't get the job. The Catholic Church instead decided to go with somebody who has a little more religious experience (as in 78 years old experience). This is a darn shame, because I think I would look most excellent in that Pope hat...

Dave Pope

Well, today I discovered yet another reason that I really need to get that job the next time around... as Pope, you have the ability to render a decision as infallible. According to a Wikipedia entry I found, Popes rarely exercise this privilege. It is an extremely uncommon event, and one that the Pope (and the Church) take very seriously.

This would not be the case if I were Pope.

If I were Pope, ALL OF MY DECISIONS WOULD BE RENDERED AS INFALLIBLE!

Maybe it's because I'm a certified genius, but I think it's more likely because I am never wrong*. I have a track record of being infallible already, so why not take the logical next step?

It would also be incredibly handy for those times that people argue with me for no reason other that to be irritating. As Pope, I would simply decree my decision INFALLIBLE and that would be the end of it. No more arguing. No more drama. No more wasted time. Just the bliss that comes from being inarguably correct in every way, all the time.

In the event that (heaven forbid) a new opening becomes available, I'll be sending my resume off to The Vatican tomorrow.

   

* Misunderstood, perhaps, but never actually wrong.

   

Schooled

Posted on Friday, February 16th, 2007

Dave!Despite the fact that I have to teach classes and speak publicly from time to time, I don't consider myself to be very good at it. It's one of those things I would probably avoid at all costs if it were an option. But showing up for career day at my graduating high school seemed like the least I could do, so I bit the bullet, slapped on a name-tag, and off I went.

As expected, it seemed as if only a handful of the students who showed up had any real interest in graphic design, and I doubt my presentation was going to win any converts. I can barely explain what I do in 15 minutes, let alone answer questions or offer advice. To compensate, I had hand-outs to give away that would (hopefully) tell everybody what they needed to know for filling out their mandatory questionnaires...

Graphic Design Presentation Cover
   

Anyway, I was anticipating a major disaster because, well, it's me we're talking about here... but the audience was attentive and thoroughly nice throughout the entire ordeal, so it was relatively painless.

I mean, hey, I didn't get shot at, wet myself, puke, or die, so I guess that's about the best I can hope for...

Dave Vomit

Still, going back to my high school is a strange experience.

Mostly because I have mixed feelings on having served time there. The best I can say about high school is that my experience was "average." I didn't love it. I didn't hate it. It was something I had to do and so I got through it the best I could. Sure I had friends, participated in extra-curicular activities, and somehow managed to get good grades... but 90% of your time is spent in class, and I always found the classes to be incredibly boring.

Being a computer geek back in the early 80's didn't help much. Personal Computers were so new that most people didn't know what to make of them. I was just another one of those freaky nerds who liked sitting in front of a glowing green screen at the library all day long punching buttons. And, despite what college recruitment ads like this say...

Geekcoder

...girls only dig "guys that code" if the guy in question A) Is a millionaire, B) Looks like a Greek god, or C) Has an 11-inch penis (and is preferably possessing a combination of all three).

Setting aside my own massive penis-size for a moment, I'd have to say that there is no "little known secret" in the fact that the hottest girl in school is far more likely to be dating the captain of the football team instead of some geeky nerd who likes computers.

They may have changed the carpet and the paint on the walls of my old high school, but I'm fairly certain this universal truth still holds.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Cavity

Posted on Saturday, February 17th, 2007

Dave!Yesterday I was at the library to drop off some videos when I saw a children's book titled Airport by Byron Barton. "Wow" I said to myself, they did a book adaptation of the movie Airport for kids? That's pretty f#@%ed up! There's no better way to terrify children about flying than to tell them a story about a plane bombing!

But when I picked up the book, I saw that it wasn't a movie adaptation of Airport after all. Instead it's a book to tell kids what happens when you go on a plane trip... standing in line for tickets... boarding the plane... how to buckle your seatbelt... and all that stuff. I thought that was a pretty cool way to prepare a child for their first airplane ride.

It was cute and everything, but I think that it was pretty sanitized. There's a lot of stuff that was left out, and it got me to thinking that perhaps I should write my own children's book about the reality of air travel...

Monkey Cavity Search

Monkey Heroin

Monkey Heroin

Airport Inspector

A pity that I'm already half-way through illustrating my first children's book, because this is a kick-ass idea. Oh well, on the bright side I've already got an idea for my second book.

Sigh. I wish there were books like this when I was a kid.

Categories: Books, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 18

Posted on Sunday, February 18th, 2007

Dave!Lost is Lost... This morning I awoke to find a couple of emails from people pointing me to a story in The Washington Post about how Lost has plummeted in the television ratings and may be facing cancelation. I could try to act surprised, but what's the point? The show sucks ass. It was a brilliant concept that started out as a lot of fun, then disintegrated into boredom when the writers were either too stupid or too lazy to try and come up with cool new mysteries, choosing instead to drag out the same old shit... FOREVER. I mean, holy crap... I was pointing out this problem ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO, and I'm not even in television! Are the people running the show on crack? It's like a lesson in what NOT to do, where everybody sees the wreck coming except the people driving the bus. Next up... Heroes! Or will they learn from Lost's mistakes in time?

• Best Breakfast Ever... Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding, five Golden Oreo cookies, and a glass of chocolate milk.

Ghost Rider

• Spirit of Vengeance... One of the cooler comic book creations, Ghost Rider, has finally been given the movie treatment starring long-time comic fan Nicholas Cage. And here's the thing... despite the shitty reviews, I enjoyed this film. Cage totally had a handle on the character, injecting humor where appropriate and not taking the role too seriously. The special effects were kick-ass. The story was entertaining. But, most importantly, there was enough action to keep things moving and the film was fairly faithful to the comics. What's not to love? It amazes me that reviewers are going to a movie about a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle thinking it will be about something else, then are disappointed to find out it actually IS about a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle. Well, duh. It's not supposed to be Shakespeare, it's just a cheesy popcorn flick. Taking it for what it is, I found it brilliant, and will be buying it on DVD.

• Not-So-Daily Show... Whilst clearing old shows off my TiVo, I ran across the October 26th, 2006 episode of The Daily Show which I've saved because it is one of my all-time favorites. Remembering that The Daily Show can be purchased at the iTunes Music Store, I thought I would just buy the episode so I could free up some space on my TiVo box. Well, it was a good plan, except that you can only purchase the last 8 episodes and nothing before that. WHY? I would think that one of the benefits of selling shows online is that you have a library of archived shows to offer for sale. Both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report have segments and guests that demand future exploration... why not offer them? Once again I am put in a position where my only option is to acquire the show "unofficially" — not by choice, but by stupid circumstance.

• Un-Trekable... Speaking of the iTunes Music Store... I was thrilled that the new "re-mastered" episodes of the original (i.e. "real") Star Trek were being offered for sale. Now, for reasons unknown, Paramount has withdrawn them. Which means last week's brilliant update of The Doomsday Machine and this week's beautiful tweaks to the classic Amok Time are nowhere to be found. WTF?!? So here I am, again, perfectly willing to pay money to get something I want, yet my only option is to hope somebody has uploaded it to BitTorrent. Oh well, T'Pring is a total bitch hottie at $1.99 or $0.00, so it's all the same to me. The only loser here is Paramount. Dumbasses. They will, of course, blame internet piracy for lost profits when it's their own stupid asses who are refusing to take my money.

• Six Meme... After avoiding the "Six Weird Things About You Meme" like the plague, Kyle descended like the Black Death and infected me with it. So here goes... 1) I don't like coffee or coffee-flavored products, which I don't think is weird, but others sure do. 2) I am perfectly happy watching the same movies over and over again... I've seen such films as EuroTrip, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Fifth Element, and Bedazzled dozens of times. 3) I have written exactly one fan letter in my entire life... it was to 80's Atari Computer game programmer Tom Hudson, and I still have his kind reply stuffed in a box somewhere. 4) My love of all things Betty White is not a joke... I really do think she kicks ass, and am a huge fan. 5) I am a total comic book geek, and own over 12,000 of them. 6) Weirdest of all? I write in my blog every day and this is the one-thousand-six-hundred-and-thirty-fifth time I've done so. FINI) I'm breaking the rules by not tagging six people now, but I don't tag.

Three weeks until TequilaCon...

   

Miracle

Posted on Monday, February 19th, 2007

Dave!I am a total mayonnaise whore.

I will put mayo on anything. I heap it on French fries. I pour it on sandwiches. I drench my potato salad. I cover my vegetables. Whatever. Sometimes I think the only reason that I eat veggie burgers is so that I have an excuse to dump obscene amounts of mayonnaise on them. I'd probably eat it straight out of the jar if I wouldn't die from the massive amount of fat it would introduce into my system.

The only thing I don't eat mayonnaise on is a VBLTCC. Whenever I eat a VBLTCC (Veggie Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, and Cheddar Cheese sandwich on toast) I use Miracle Whip. Don't ask me why.

Because I use Miracle Whip so rarely, a small jar lasts me a very long time. The stuff usually expires before I have a chance to eat it all up. When my previous jar of Miracle Whip expired, I bought a new jar and found that it wasn't the same... it kind of soaked into the toast or something. I figured it was probably just a bad jar, but didn't toss it out since I don't use it very often. Well, that jar recently expired, so I purchased a new one. Then today I go to make myself a VBLTCC and find out my new Miracle Whip also melts into the toast and sucks ass. Refusing to believe that I got yet another bad jar, I decided to Google it...

And found out that the Miracle Whip dumbasses changed their recipe.

The primary ingredient is no longer oil, it's water. WATER!!

WTF?!? No wonder the crap falls apart and soaks into my toast, IT'S BECAUSE THE SHIT IS MADE OUT OF WATER!! How incredibly stupid. If they want to cut corners to save money, that's fine... but call it something other than Miracle Whip, BECAUSE IT'S NOT MIRACLE WHIP ANYMORE!

This kind of idiotic crap drives me insane. Did they learn nothing from the "New Coke" fiasco?" Oh well, the original REAL Miracle Whip recipe is available at Top Secret Recipes (for free!), so I guess I'll have to start making my own.

Miracle Whip bastards.

Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Etiquette

Posted on Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Dave!I hate to sound like a broken record, but mobile phone idiocy is getting completely out of hand.

There was a time when people at least tried to be discreet and polite when talking on their mobile, but most of them just don't give a crap now-a-days. These idiots talk at FULL VOLUME while discussing stuff nobody wants to hear. Even worse, they seem to have absolutely no qualms about screaming profanity or discussing intimate details of their life. It's as if they think nobody around them can hear what they're saying, and I don't know why that is.

Today I was treated to some moron laughing it up while screaching "SHIT YEAH!" over and over again as he yelled into his Bluetooth headset... WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR LUNCH... WITH CHILDREN PRESENT!

It's times like this that I wish I carried a baseball bat with me at all times...

Rude Phone Idiots

Rude Phone Idiots

Rude Phone Idiots

Rude Phone Idiots

Why? Why? Why would somebody act like this? And I'm not talking about me smashing somebody in the face with a baseball bat... I know why I would act like this. I'm asking why somebody thinks it's okay to scream profanity in a public place just because they're talking on their phone. Why does having a phone stuck in your ear suddenly make this okay? If the phone wasn't there it wouldn't be okay... would it?

Maybe from now on when I see such a serious breach of etiquette, I'll commit a breach of etiquette of my own.

Like farting in their face or something...

Phone Fart Revenge

Sure it's smelly, but it's a lot more convenient than carrying a baseball bat around all day.

   

Whiner

Posted on Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

Dave!"Well aren't you a whiny little bitch in your blog lately" she says in a tone of distaste.

Nothing like having a friend ring you up first thing in the morning so she can call you names... "Ooh look! Mayonnaise! You are whining about m-a-y-o-n-n-a-i-s-e now!" she cries, drawing out the word "mayonnaise" to an impressive 30 seconds. I act quickly to defend myself, but to dubious effect: "Uhhh... actually, I'm whining about Miracle Whip... see, they changed the recipe and it's melting into my toast..." I hear a huff of disgust followed by "Oh? Miracle Whip? Well that makes a BIG difference!" I then envision her eyes rolling so far back into her head that they get stuck there. "Maybe you shouldn't read my blog anymore, because whining is what I DO there," I offer helpfully. But she doesn't hear me... "HA! HA! The monkey is smuggling heroin up his ass?! HA! HAAAAAAA! Where do you come up with this stuff?"

Having friends and family reading your blog is a mixed bag.

On one hand, when I'm traveling or doing something interesting, everybody can see what's going on in my life without having to ask. In many ways, this is why I started blogging in the first place... it's easier than having to send a bunch of emails that all say the same thing, or having the same telephone conversation over and over. It also has the benefit of giving me a record of what I was doing two years ago (driving from Birmingham to Nashville with stops at the Hard Rock Cafes in Nashville and Gatlinburg) or even just two months ago (puking my guts out), which is kind of nifty.

On the other hand, much of what I write in my blog is stuff that I would never bore somebody with in "real life," so it can be confusing to people who know me (and even more perplexing to those who don't, I'm sure).

Such is the hazard of blogging from a small town where nothing very exciting ever happens, and all you do each day is work. You end up whining about a lot of little things (like Miracle Whip) because there's nothing else going on. I've toyed with the idea of only writing when I have something interesting to say, but what's the point of having a blog with only ten entries per year?

It makes me jealous of bloggers who live fabulous lives in the big city, because they almost never post an entry featuring a cartoon monkey smuggling heroin up his ass (and, when they do, it's bound to be much more entertaining and better-drawn than what you'll find here).

Which puts me in kind of a dilemma...

What Not To Blog

Since today was yet another boring day, should I talk about Britney Spears' continuing melt-down? Or how awesome and surprising Veronica Mars was last night? Or about that scary video of Anna Nicole Smith in clown makeup talking to a doll? Or maybe I should blog about the world's tiniest prematurely-born baby getting to go home?

I'm sure any of those topics would make for a most excellent blog entry.

But I'd much rather whine about people who over-fill their gas tanks and spill petrol all over the place. Don't you just want to roll them around in the spill until they've mopped it all up and then set them on fire? Because I am getting really sick and tired of getting out of my car to fill up, stepping in a puddle of gasoline, then having to smell it all day long. I've spent the latter half of my afternoon debating as to whether the fumes I've been inhaling are better or worse than the smell of the men's public toilet at an outdoor concert during the middle of 110-degree summer heat after two hundred drunken guys urinate on every available surface. Since I loathe both smells equally, you can see what a challenge this is for me.

Except now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a little better.

Isn't whining about your life what blogs are for?

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Whiteness

Posted on Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

Dave!I must be doing something right, because the volume of hate-mail I've been getting lately is five times what it was a year ago (I started keeping count after the Scary Clown Incident of 2004). February isn't even over yet, and I'm at a record-breaking 14 hateful emails/comments for the month! I always try to respond to people who have the balls to sign their name and give a valid email address... but all the anonymous crap is deleted with such speed that one could say it never existed at all (except as a tally-mark on my hate-mail count sheet). And since 90% of the stuff is from anonymous pussies who actually think I give a crap, hate-mail and hate-comments are never much trouble.

I suppose I should be crying on the inside, but my inner-child seems to be sleeping at the moment.

I wonder how much trouble I can get into today?

I am blessed with teeth that are naturally white. Since I don't drink coffee, don't smoke, and brush them three times daily, they tend to stay that way. And when I say "white" I don't mean "literally white" because they are actually teeth-colored which, in fact, is kind of an off-white color. But ever since I switched to the delicious Crest Whitening Expressions Cinnamon toothpaste, I've noticed that my teeth have been getting even whiter (whoa... the shit actually works!). They're now more white than off-white, and I am quite pleased about that.

Crest White

Unfortunately, I have an addictive personality and never seem to be content when something better is on the horizon.

Having mostly-white teeth simply isn't good enough anymore. I find myself secretly wanting brilliant-white teeth...

Dave Teeth

When I smile, I want anybody not wearing sunglasses to be temporarily blinded.

So when Crest sends me a $7.00 coupon offer that can be applied to a box of Crest White Strips, it's like offering a crack-addict a vial of cocaine. I clicked that link faster than Britney checks out of rehab, and have my credit card ready.

At least until I find out that the retail cost of a box of White Strips is $39.99, which means my desire for brilliant-white teeth requires an investment of $32.99... PLUS TAX!

Holy crap! For that kind of money I can buy the biggest Maglite flashlight they make (for temporarily blinding people), and still have money left over for a couple bags of Golden Oreos! I don't mean to sound cheap or anything, but $35 for whiter teeth? Maybe if my teeth were brown this would seem like a bargain, but I can't fathom paying $35 when my teeth are already mostly-white. I guess that I'll keep brushing with my whitening toothpaste and hope for the best.

And now, because I am a total meme whore, I've put that "book meme" that's been working its way around the blogosphere in an extended entry (I can't remember if I saw it first from Frances or SJ)...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007, BooksClick To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Shutdown

Posted on Friday, February 23rd, 2007

Dave!Why is it that crazy crap always seems to happen on my birthday each year? Sometimes it's a good thing... the first version of MacOS X was released on March 24 back in 2001, for example. But usually it's bizarre crap like a fish-painting festival* back in 2000, or the Jonesboro Massacre back in 1998, or the Exon Valdez oil spill back in 1989. Not the best birthday material.

Today I find out that this year, March 24, 2007, it's going to be INTERNATIONAL SHUTDOWN DAY. The idea is that this will be a global experiment to determine whether or not people can cope without computers for just one day. They ask you to "shut down your computer and find out!"...

Shutdown Day

To which I reply "go frak yourself."

Seriously. What kind of stupid-ass shit is this? The entire world is run by computers now-a-days. Are air-traffic controllers supposed to shutdown their computers for the day to see if airline pilots can "cope" with crashing into each other? Do hospitals shut down the computers controlling heart monitors and crap to see if patients can "cope" with going into cardiac arrest? Even if they are just talking about shutting off your personal computer for the day, what is this going to prove? Could I go a day without my computer? Of course I could. Would I ever want to? No. What would be the point? To find out how many people can manage to be computer-free without going insane? Who cares?

I mean, I suppose I could spend my birthday getting drunk off my ass so I wouldn't care about turning on my computer, but it would be kind of rude to ignore the thousands of birthday wishes emailed to me that day. Besides, some of my best blogging is done when I am drunk off my ass, and I can't imagine denying my millions of fans such a treat. It happens all too rarely.

This year it's "International Shutdown Day" — what's next? International Don't Eat Tacos Day? International Don't Flush The Toilet Day? International Eat With Your Feet Day? Who comes up with this stupid crap, and why does it always seem to happen on my birthday?

I feel very strongly that March 24 should instead be "International No Stupid Shit Day"... in perpetuity... so I never have to face this ridiculous dumbassery on my birthday ever again...

No Stupid Shit Day

That would be the best birthday present ever!

Of course, the one benefit to not turning on your computer for a day would be that you don't have to hear about stuff like "International Shutdown Day." Maybe I've acted too quickly here...

   

*At first I thought it might be kind of cool to have a painting created by a fish from the fish-painting festival. You'd take a fish, dip him in water-soluable, non-toxic paint, then let him flop around on the canvas to create art. After he had created something suitably interesting, you'd wash off the fish and release him back into the wild. Unfortunately, this is not quite what the organizers had in mind. They were quite adamant that the fish used to create the art would be DEAD. Oddly enough, you do not paint ON the fish as the name implies, but instead use a dead fish to paint WITH. Why anybody would want to do this is beyond my ability to fathom, however.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Pile

Posted on Saturday, February 24th, 2007

Dave!After two weeks of relatively sane weather, I had packed away my gloves and coat in anticipation of Spring's imminent arrival.

Given that five inches of snow decided to drop this morning, I can see that this was a stupid move. And, as if that weren't scary enough, the killer geese decided to pay a visit as well. I think the snow only made them more angry than usual, because around twenty of them were honking around the building for an hour or so... presumably out for blood. Fortunately, they left before I had to go to the movie theater (Kapgar was totally right, Breach was a pretty good flick... AND it had Jaye in it!).

In other news, here is me sitting on a pile of money...

Dave Pile of Money

Apparently, this is what some people think my life is like after I started blogging. I received another email today asking me about all the money I'm making off of Blogography, and what my secret is to being a successful blogger. Like last time, I remain dumbfounded as to how people could think that I get any money from doing this when I don't have advertisers or membership fees. I guess the money is just supposed to fall from the sky or something.

So as not to disappoint those people who think of me as some kind of millionaire blogger, would y'all mind sending me a couple thousand dollars? I think if everybody pitches in, I can start living the fabulous and excessive lifestyle that is expected of me. That would be great, thanks.

And now, just for Hilly, I am answering her feed reader/blogroll questionnaire in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 19

Posted on Sunday, February 25th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday on Oscar night!

And while I am not a big fan of the Oscars (they never seem to award the proper films), I am a huge fan of movies, so here we go with the big four...

• Best Picture... Who should win: Little Miss Sunshine. Who will probably win: The Departed. Martin Scorsese, who has done some amazing work, will probably be given the statue for The Departed as a gimmee for being passed-over all these years... even though I don't think it is the best picture this year. I honestly feel that every other film nominated is more deserving to win, with Little Miss Sunshine topping my list.

• Best Director... Who should win: Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima. Who will probably win: Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima. This astounding film had some incredible artistic choices in direction that nobody can deny... Clint totally deserves to win for his hauntingly beautiful picture, and undoubtedly will. No other direction on a film comes close.

• Best Actor... Who should win: Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson. Who will probably win: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland. I am sure that Forest Whitaker turned in a wonderful performance as Idi Amin (I haven't seen the movie yet), but I find it impossible to believe that anybody topped Ryan Gosling's mind-blowing performance in Half Nelson. I had mixed feelings on the film, but there's no denying Gosling's brilliance in it. As an aside here, if I could pick ANYBODY to win this award, and not just a nominee, it would be Ken Watanabe for his work in Letters From Iwo Jima. This actor puts more into every amazing performance than any other actor I know, and this role was no difference. It's pretty criminal that he wasn't nominated.

• Best Actress... Who should win: Helen Mirren, The Queen. Who will probably win: Helen Mirren, The Queen. Probably the best performance in a movie this year. She WAS The Queen in this film, and humanized a very real person in a way that few actors could have managed. I would be shocked if she doesn't win.

Dave & Oscar

And now, I have about six hours of work to do yet tonight, so I'll be signing off. If you hear screaming, it's because Pan's Labyrinth didn't win Best Foreign Language Film...

   

Life

Posted on Monday, February 26th, 2007

Dave!I don't know what happened.

Last night when I went to bed, everything was okay. It had been a good weekend. All the various problems that had been thrown my way during the week had been handled. I was... dare I say it... "happy" with the world and my place in it. None of the dread that usually overwhelms me on Sunday nights could be detected. When my head hit the pillow, a rare sense of optimism had settled into the core of my being and all was right in my world.

Then I woke up.

I am used to everything going wrong on a Monday and having to dig my way out. I can handle that. But I quickly found out this morning that "everything" is a relative term, and there is a certain level of "everything" that simply cannot be dealt with. Overwhelmed with one horrific dilemma after another, I was assaulted on all fronts. My telephone. My mobile phone. My work phone. My email. My mailbox. My car. My work. My life.

The entire universe decided to rain shit down on me for some unknown reason.

I don't know what I did to deserve it. I can only guess that this is some kind of retribution for going to bed happy on a Sunday night.

It's at times like this that I feel the need to develop a line of T-shirts to explain my life in a way that can be easily understood. Since I'm fairly certain I'm not alone in being shitted on at one time or another, I can only guess that this is my ticket to making a million dollars. My advertising campaign would feature myself wearing T-shirts with various slogans while standing in a pool of some kind of unsavory substance... like urine or raw sewage or toxic waste or something...

Destined to be a loser.

Kicked in the balls by karma.

Bitch-slapped by life.

Things can, of course, always get worse. It's as if the laws of physics demand it. There's probably some Einsteinian theorem floating around describing how once you start sliding in shit, you will continue to slide in shit until you land in a big pile of it.

The question then remains... is today my "pile" or am I still sliding towards it?

   

Flowchart

Posted on Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Dave!It would seem that I'm not quite finished with being karma's bitch yet, because the horror show that is my life lately continues. I just got off the phone with somebody I don't even know who has apparently made it their mission in life to irritate me as much as possible. This leads me to wonder... since dumbasses like this seem to serve no useful purpose, shouldn't Darwinian evolutionary theory dictate that they should be become extinct? And, if you don't believe in Darwin, and instead believe in some kind of divine architect, isn't the creation of dumbasses a waste of materials?

No matter what your belief structure, the existence of dumbasses simply makes no sense. Yet they're everywhere and their numbers are growing. Even worse, they're getting even more stupid. It's getting so bad that I'm almost thinking that I need to release one of my Dumbass Books so that those idiots who aspire to be a dumbass have a place to start...

Dumbass Dumbass Books

As an example, since complex thoughts like "drive right - pass left" are simply too difficult for a prospective dumbass to grasp, I'd fill the book with handy flowcharts to explain the process...

Driving Flowchart

Such a chart, naturally, would be preceded with 40 illustrated pages explaining what a "passing lane" is, because I understand how some dumbasses might get confused about such things if they are driving down a one-lane road or, heaven forbid, they try to look for a passing lane at a McDonalds drive-through or while parked or something. Dumbass books work because they assume nothing.

Anyway...

In an valiant struggle to cling to anything good that might be happening in my life, I was very happy to get a thank-you letter from a soldier who got one of my care packages for AnySoldier.com. I never expect this (let's face it, they've got a lot more important things on their mind), but it's always a real treat when it happens...

Soldier Thanks

Yeah. I don't care how bad of a day your having, getting something like this in the mail is an amazing experience. I think I must have read through it a dozen times, because it has such a wonderful way of putting things in perspective. Sure my life may be shit, but this guy is stuck in the middle of Baghdad feeling lucky just to live another day. It's not like anything I've got going on can really compare to that.

As the end of the month approaches, I've already got most of the items for my next round of care packages to send. If you are able to help out, here's all you need to know.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring...

   

Cake

Posted on Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

Dave!After two days of life beating the crap out of me, today there was finally daylight... both figuratively and literally (so THAT'S what the sun looks like!).

The good news is that I no longer want to microwave my head. The bad news is that the events of the past two days will take weeks... perhaps months... to resolve. I'm a fairly private person, so I won't be going into details, but suffice to say that absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong in all aspects of my life decided to happen over the course of 48 hours. It was like experiencing TWO seasons of "24" but without the benefit of having Jack Bauer around to kick some ass. Just a lot of things around me going terribly wrong and shit exploding every fifteen minutes.

One thing I will say is that I have come to really, really hate my car.

If I was any sort of wealthy, I would crash my car into a gas station so it would become soaked with gasoline, toss a lighted match on top so I could watch it burn, then throw a massive party where everybody could hold hands and sing songs while urinating on the smoldering remains. Once the auto was thoroughly destroyed, we'd watch Elizabeth Hurley's masterpiece Bedazzled on a big-screen TV and eat chocolate cake...

Dave Chocolate Cake
Amazing-looking chocolate cake recipe can be found at Southern Living Magazine.

Because it's not really a celebration unless there's chocolate cake at the end.

In other news, "massive penis" has entered my top-ten search referrals for 2007 despite the fact that it appeared only 12 days ago in my blog. Helpful hint for blog traffic whores: nothing will service your needs better than a massive penis. This does present a dilemma, however, because I don't know what the female equivalent should be. I would hate for it to appear that my blog is sexist, and want to be sure that filthy Google Search Results at Blogography aren't gender-biased. I'm leaning towards "tasty vagina" but think it might be difficult to work that into a popular blog entry without supplemental video of some kind.

Not that I'm unwilling to try, mind you.

   

Atwitter

Posted on Thursday, March 1st, 2007

Dave!Can I just say that Criss Angel kicked total ass in his guest spot on the episode CSI New York from last night? The guy is a decent magician to begin with, but who knew he could act as well? His emotionally disturbed character of Luke Blade was no easy role to play, and he managed it beautifully. Good episode. Perfect casting.

As more and more of our lives ends up on the internet, there's more and more ways to put yourself there. I've always thought that a daily update on my blog is enough, but then a service called "Twitter" comes along that allows you to put continuous updates about your life on the internet all day long. Despite an occasional trip somewhere, most of my life is pretty boring, and would end up looking something like this...

Davetwitter

I don't know why anybody would want to read something like that, so my Twitter account goes unused. Since you can update from your mobile phone, I keep thinking that maybe I'll Twitter one of my trips or something. Travel is mostly mundane torture for me, but maybe somebody would find it interesting?

Another internet invention is a service called "Facebook" which is a kind of social-networking site. It started out for college students to maintain contacts and stuff, but eventually opened up to everybody. Once you join up, you can invite others to join and be on your friends list. Karl from Secondhand Tryptophan invited me to be his friend, and now he appears when I login...

Karlfacebook

Today I logged into Facebook for some reason, and noticed that I'm being asked how I know Karl. I click on him to answer, and a box comes up with a list of options. When I read through the list, I don't see an option for "Blogging Buddies" so I thought I'd select "Through Facebook" instead. After I checked the box, a little menu popped up asking me what kind of Facebook friend Karl was to me...

Karlknowing

POKE BUDDIES?!? What the hell kind of stuff is going on at FaceBook? I mean, I like Karl and all... and look forward to meeting him in person and stuff... but this is a bit more intimate of a relationship than I'm ready for. I decided to go for something less dramatic and select "We hooked up" instead, but figured Karl would probably delete me for something like that. Ultimately, I just selected "Met randomly" and was able to hand-type "Blogging Buddies" which is what I was looking for all along...

Karlfacebook2

Interestingly enough, Facebook won't take my word for it that Karl and I are Blogging Buddies. Instead, they are going to ask Karl for confirmation. Am I really so untrusting?

Even more interesting... I now have an option to "Poke Karl!" (with exclamation point!). WTF? I must be missing something here, so I go to the Help Center to try and figure out what all this poking is about. Here is what I found out...

What is a poke?
We have about as much of an idea as you do. We thought it would be fun to make a feature that had no real purpose and to see what happens from there. So mess around with it, because you're not getting an explanation from us.

Holy crap! If the people who created the poking don't know and won't tell... what the heck are Facebook users supposed to think? "Mess around with it?" What if I poke Karl and he explodes? And what the heck is going to happen when somebody pokes ME?!?

If you don't hear anything from me tomorrow, it's probably because Karl poked me and I exploded.

Categories: Internets 2007Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Kingdom

Posted on Friday, March 2nd, 2007

Dave!Eyes... won't... stay... open.

It occurred to me as I approached my 16th hour of work today that I need a new line of work. Preferably a career that doesn't exceed an eight-hour work day... with a three hour-work day being optimal.

Perhaps being absolute ruler of a small country might be a good job for me...

Davekingdom

I'm thinking a typical day would include making sweet love to super-models, watching television, playing video-games, partying with foreign heads of state, walking amongst my adoring subjects, and dedicating statues, libraries, museums, buildings, and other stuff that has been named in my honor. And in-between all that I'd make time to fly off to exotic locations and visit foreign leaders so they could bask in my presence (and give me cool presents).

Sure being the exalted ruler of all I survey would be a 24-hour job, but I'd manage somehow. Probably by delegating all the boring stuff to my lackeys.

Hmmm... I have 287 blog entries stacked-up in my webfeed reader, and around 40 emails to read. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have at least another two hours of work ahead of me (and eight hours of television on my TiVo).

I wonder how I go about getting a lackey to read my blogs and reply to my emails for me. Is that something you can get on eBay?

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Unholy

Posted on Saturday, March 3rd, 2007

Dave!Thanks to everybody who sent me e-cards and kind notes over Elizabeth Hurley's wedding today. Thirty-six of you were nice enough to send your condolences, which was a bit unexpected (that's more people than usually comment on an entry!).

In an act of sublime selflessness, I wish nothing but the best for the happy couple. If Elizabeth Hurley is happy, then I'm happy... I love her that much. I mean, it's not like I am wishing for a building to fall on her new husband or anything. I'm sure he's a terrific guy, and I'm glad she found him. I suppose I could sit around hoping that Arun Nayar gets attacked by a pack of wild hyenas, but what would be the point? Elixabeth Hurley has made her choice (misguided as it may be) and I will just have to live with it. Best of luck to the happy couple!

Okay, maybe I don't wish "the best" for them... that's a little much. But I do wish that good things come their way. Just because Elizabeth Hurley decided to marry a guy who is not me doesn't mean that she should be cursed with unhappiness the rest of her life. Does it? Maybe he's not perfect or anything, but he seems nice. So good luck you two!

Alright, you got me. Being completely honest here, wishing "good things" for Liz and Arun is probably a stretch. How about I just send happy thoughts with no well-wishing at all? Sure Elizabeth Hurley just made the biggest mistake of her life, but it's not really her fault. If she had ever met me, she would realize that I was the perfect guy for her... but since she had the misfortune to never even know I exist, well, it's hardly appropriate for me to be wishing Arun fall down a well or something. That would just be wrong. He doesn't seem like the nicest of guys, but I'm sure he's not too bad.

Okay... okay... okay... sending "happy thoughts" is probably going too far. Because doesn't Arun Nayar look like a total bastard? I've never met him or anything, but doesn't he just seem completely wrong for her? He's probably a puppy-kicker. Yep, I'll bet when he sees a puppy he kicks it as hard as he can just because he likes it. And the perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley just married him in an unholy union that will wreck havoc throughout the known universe. Why should I wish anything "happy" for their marriage when there's nothing happy about it? We're all doomed.

OMG! What has she done? RUN LIZ! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! YOU JUST MARRIED A PUPPY-KICKING ASSHOLE!! Oh the humanity! I suppose I'll just have to hope that Liz manages to break free of Arun Nayar's evil spell before something horrible happens... like her sleeping with him. Oh! Oh! Oh! That would be just terrible! Like the worst day ever! Is it too much to hope that Elton John has a gun in his purse and will destroy the Ultimate Evil that calls himself "Arun" before the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley is lost to the world forever?

Elizabeth Hurley's Unholy Union

Gee... I hope that nothing happens to the plane that is taking Elizabeth Hurley and her new husband to India. It would be just terrible if it crashed and Arun were to perish while Elizabeth Hurley were to miraculously escape completely unharmed. Yeah, let's all hope that doesn't happen.

Ahem.

Speaking of pure evil on earth...

I finally got to sleep around 2:30am. Most of my work was finished, and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. So guess who decided to come calling three hours later and wake me up? That's right. THE EVIL GEESE FROM HELL ARE BACK AGAIN!

Killer Geese Rampage

Just look at the cheeky bastards all honking and riled up! Clearly minions of the devil.

And to make the entire situation even more scary, their numbers keep increasing. At first there were a dozen... then around 26... then about 40... NOW THERE ARE 67! SIXTY-SEVEN!! And I realize people think I am exaggerating here, but I'm not. There were so many of them that I had to take a panorama of seven pictures and then stitch them together so that all of the little bastards would fit into the shot...

Killer Goose Panorama
Click on the image to enlarge. WARNING! May frighten small children!
(you will have to scroll to see the whole thing)

Between Elizabeth Hurley getting married and the startling increase in the goose population, can the Apocalypse be far behind? I'm telling you, geese are going to take over the world.

I, for one, welcome our new geese overlords.

Back to work...

   

Bullet Sunday 20

Posted on Sunday, March 4th, 2007

Dave!Unexpected travel plans have decided to invade my Sunday.

Ordinarily, this would be a good thing, because I could vent all my frustrations about air travel and have them neatly aligned in bullet points. But I don't feel like writing that, let along reading it, so perhaps it's time for Bullet Stories instead of Bullet Points? I dunno... maybe it's being stuck in a hotel room with nothing good on television that's making me all sentimental.

   

• The Brutality Reality.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm the kind of guy who likes to solve his problems with violence. The kind of brute-force, don't-bother-me-or-I'll-kill-you kind of man who simply refuses to put up with the stupidity of others.

When the people ahead of me in line for airport security don't bother to read the dozen signs telling them to remove any liquids and have their ID ready, I bitch-slap their stupid asses and push my way through. When the man sitting behind me on the plane won't shut up and keeps bumping my seat, I turn around and punch him in the face. When a bitch tries to cut in front of me as we disembark the aircraft, I kick her rude ass to the floor then walk over the top of her. When some sandwich-eating hippie keeps dropping sprouts onto the floor at baggage claim, I push his face to the floor and make him lick it up, then laugh as he runs off crying with a bloody nose. When my luggage doesn't show up for 30 minutes and then appears on the wrong carousel, I climb through the luggage corridor and start beating random people with my suitcase. As I strut out of the airport, I'm secure in the knowledge that I am a total bad-ass who doesn't take shit from anybody...

...at least until I put on some lip balm to protect myself from those chaffing Chicago winds and call my mommy to let her know that I have arrived safely. Suddenly reality comes crashing down as I'm crying about how I'm tired and my tummy aches and people are mean and I couldn't find my suitcase and I wish I were home in bed. But then mommy tells me everything is going to be okay now, at which time I can go back to pretending I'm one tough bastard again.

   

• Flexible for Money.

When you were a kid, do you remember when you dropped a coin that rolled under the table how you didn't even think about what to do... you simply threw yourself to the ground and went crawling after your money? It didn't matter if it was just a nickel or even a penny, you chased after that shit.

And now, as you grow older, do you notice how the value of the dropped coin you're willing to chase after keeps getting bigger and bigger? At one point you stopped crawling after pennies because, after all, it was just a penny. Soon after, nickels weren't worth bending over for. In no time at all, dimes are more trouble than they're worth. With age comes the realization that the time, effort, and energy required to retrieve dropped money requires careful calculation. Is the quarter that just fell out of your pocket worth the risk of straining your back while bending over to pick it up? What can you get with a quarter now-a-days anyway?

Today I dropped a dollar bill while pulling my iPod out of my pocket. As I stood there watching my money gently tumbling down the sidewalk in the breeze, it then occurred to me that I must be an old man now because I had no desire to go after it. Then suddenly, in a desperate bid to reclaim my childhood, I went chasing after my dollar. Just as I bent over to pick it up, my $180 Oakley sunglasses (one of those ridiculously expensive purchases you try not to regret) fell out of my jacket pocket and got a nice scratch on the lens. Standing there with a dollar in one hand and my ruined sunglasses in the other, I threw the dollar bill into the air and walked away having learned a valuable lesson.

Sometimes you've just got to tell your inner-child to go fuck themselves.

   

• The Mac Club.

It used to be that traveling with a Macintosh PowerBook put you into an elite club. You see another Mac user sitting across the aisle and would share a smirk of superiority that instantly bonded you with a total stranger. Your Mac made you special, and it was something only another Mac user could appreciate. These moments of brotherhood were a rare event to be treasured, and being a member of The Mac Club made you a better person (if only in your own mind).

Except now Macs are everywhere. As you sit in the airport looking around, nearly half of the computers have that familiar glowing Apple logo staring back at you. The Mac Club's power came from its exclusivity, and those days are fading fast. Despite your joy at the Mac's new-found popularity, you aren't feeling as special as you once did.

But then you turn on your PowerBook, see that a few people have left comments on your blog, and suddenly find yourself feeling more special than a silly old machine could ever make you feel.

   

• A Real Conversation.

It occurred to me this afternoon as I was ordering my veggie burger at Johnny Rockets, that talking to my waiter was about the only conversation I've had all day. I checked in for my flight this morning at a self-service kiosk. I arrived at my hotel for check-in and got my room key from another kiosk. I got my cash from an ATM. I set up my appointments via a website. I bought my CTA train pass at yet another kiosk. I traveled 2/3 the distance of these continental United States and my only interaction with a human all day was to say "I'll have a Coke please" to the cabin steward on the plane. After dinner I went to see the movie Norbit, purchased my theater ticket from still another self-service kiosk, and proceeded to get more than a little depressed about it all. People simply don't interact with each other much anymore.

At the end of the night I decided to take an expensive taxi back to my airport hotel instead of a cheap (but long) ride on the Blue Line. Thinking I'd try to put a halt to the world's effort at insulating me from humanity, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. As the discussion goes on, I am so thrilled to be talking to somebody... to really be talking to somebody... that I almost had him circle the airport a few times before dropping me at the hotel.

With more gratitude than he can know, I hand over my fare and a generous tip to the driver. I wish him a good night and, unlike so many times I've said it to strangers, this time I really mean it.

   

Fishy

Posted on Monday, March 5th, 2007

Dave!I didn't get any sleep last night, so after my morning meeting I decided to catch up on some shut-eyet back at the hotel. This was a pipe dream, however, because housekeeping service was ramming their noisy vacuum into every wall, door, and piece of furniture on my floor.

Eventually I gave up on sleep and decided to head into the city.

Fortunately, it was another beautiful day in Chicago, with blue skies (tempered by freezing winds). This was a nice follow-up to the weather last night when the skies were clear, and the full moon looked amazing hanging over the river...

Chicago Moon

I hadn't been to The Shedd Aquarium in ages, and decided to pay a visit. After the Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan in Japan, it's one of my most favorite fishy places...

Shedd Aquarium

But The Shedd offers plenty more than just fish. My most-beloved creatures on earth are lizards and frogs, which are nicely represented in various exhibits...

Shedd Aquarium

I also like snakes, and there were some exotic species hanging out at The Shedd, like these two guys who look like they're sleeping in a tree...

Shedd Aquarium

They also have otters, seals, a beluga whale, and even a penguins exhibit...

Shedd Aquarium

The theming of the various exhibits is lush and fun to look at, but the stars of the show are definitely the creatures who inhabit the place. My favorite this time around was a cool frog who was just chilling out in the water and watching people walk by...

Shedd Aquarium

After blowing over two hours at the aquarium, I decided to get some new footwear. My last four pairs of shoes were bought at NikeTown Chicago, so I didn't think there was any reason to break that tradition for my new pair. Fortunately, they had the shoes I wanted, and all I had to do was wait for them to be brought up. While I was waiting, a woman and her high school-aged son came wandering by. The son was interested in a limited edition pair of Nike GOLD Air Force One shoes. They come with 24k gold-plated tips on the laces, and a gold-plated belt-buckle and keychain to match...

Nike Air Force GOLD!

I wouldn't wear them, but the kid wanted them. Even once he found out that they carried a $2000 price tag.

And here's the kicker... HE BOUGHT THEM!

The mother's question was "what you want with a pair of $2000 shoes? That's a mortgage payment! But it's your money, so I'm just going to sit down over here and be quiet while you spend it."

MY question would have been "where the f#@% does a high school student get $2000 to spend on shoes?"

Once I had purchased my far, far cheaper shoes, I met up with some friends who drove down from Kenosha to have dinner with me and wander down the Magnificent Mile for a while. I ate entirely too much, so now I'm taking some Pepto Bismol and going to bed.

And thus ends my last day in the Windy City.

Now that I think about it, I really should have went back and bought a pair of $2000 gold-plated shoes so I could be all cool at TequilaCon. Of course, that would just ensure that they would get soaked in beer or puked on, so maybe it's for the best I didn't.

Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Coke

Posted on Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

Dave!For the past couple of weeks I've been occupying what precious little free time I have by working on my book. It's been over a year since I stopped writing Daveology, and I could never seem to get back in the writing habit. After parting ways with my publisher, my enthusiasm for the project had slowly dwindled to zero, and nothing ever inspired me to take it up again. There's also the drama involved in finding a new editor I can work with. As you have no doubt surmised from reading my crap at Blogography, having a strong editor will be essential for anything I might publish. Sure people are willing to ignore my weak sentence structure and total misuse of punctuation when they are reading for free, but something tells me they will expect all the various grammar bits to be in their proper places if they have to pay for it.

Daveology

When I was originally approached about turning my blog into a series of books I had no interest in attempting it. A previous movie project (based on a comic book treatment I drafted) had nearly destroyed me. Sure it started out great, but after eighteen months and a dozen trips to L.A., all I got out of the deal was heartache and disappointment. And a fat paycheck. But when you put your heart into something, the money can't wholly compensate for the desolation you feel once everything has turned to shit. With this in mind, the idea of going through it all over again for a book deal with no fat paycheck didn't seem worth it. Much like being very protective of your testicles after having been smacked in the balls by a shampoo bottle, my creative heart is guarded.

But eventually I was convinced to give it a try. I guess this means I'm not very good at guarding things. Which is why you should never ask me to keep an eye on your stuff while you go to the bathroom. Not only will it probably end up missing, but I won't be very apologetic about having screwed up. You should have known better.

The outline for the book project seemed simple enough: repackage and expand my favorite entries with a narrative thread. But after a month of back-and-forth, it became apparent that my publisher and I had very different ideas as to how the book should take shape. They didn't want the cartoons, photos, and illustrations, just the words. This didn't make any sense to me because I'm not a very good writer... to me the cartoons, photos, and illustrations ARE Blogography. Eventually a compromise was reached, but it was just the first in a series of many concessions I'd have to make. Finally seeing the Big Picture as to how things would end up, I wanted out. If I couldn't create the book I wanted, I didn't want to create a book at all. Fortunately, my soon-to-be ex-publisher liked me well enough to end things amicably, which was pretty swell. Had I been in their position, I would have shown up in person to collect the advance money, then kicked my ass.

And that was the end of that. But with a third of Daveology completed, it seemed a shame to let all those weeks of hard work sit on a shelf. Unlike the failed movie project, I harbored an illusion that something could still come of it one day, even if I had to self-publish. I didn't care about making any money, I just didn't want my time to have been wasted. But, like so many things in my life, this ambition soon faded as more interesting projects (i.e. those that paid money) came calling.

Then I woke up one morning around Valentine's Day and suddenly decided I wanted to try writing again. True to form, I didn't start until a week later, but the decision had been made. Whether this new-found compulsion will last long enough to actually finish the book, I have no idea. I'm fickle that way.

In the meanwhile, I blunder onward in an attempt to fill the pages of a book that may never see the light of day.

This morning I started a new chapter which begins thusly:

Do you know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're pouring a can of Coke into a glass and the foam starts to rise up? That utterly helpless feeling when you suspect that you've poured too much soda too quickly and don't know if the Coke is going to overflow and make a mess or settle back down into the glass? That's the feeling I get at the moment I realize sex is in my immediate future.
   
When I'm pouring a Coke for myself, there's nothing to be nervous about because nobody is watching (at least I certainly hope not) and I can make a mess free from judgement. But it's an entirely different situation when I'm pouring that same Coke in front of an audience.
   
Most of the time I'm able to channel this nervous energy and put it to good use. Everything works out okay, the glass is filled to mutual satisfaction, and everybody walks away a winner (have a Coke and a smile!). But sometimes things don't go as planned, everything ends up a mess, and all you get for your embarrassment is a sticky residue that never seems to disappear off the kitchen counter entirely.
   
This is a grossly unfair situation because, by comparison, women have it easy. All they have to do is decide if they want to have that Coke in the first place, then leave the pouring to some poor bastard looking for a caffeine fix. Fortunately for them, men are born with a caffeine deficiency and always happy to serve up a glass. The insanity of it all is enough to make me want to drink straight from the can, but I'm just not that flexible.

...and so on.

As you can see, the book is a bit more personal than my blog ever gets. Apparently my writing is not quite so private when I know people are going to pay money for it. Well, except those cheap bastards who borrow a copy from the library.

Alrighty then! One hour until my connecting flight home, and boy am I thirsty. I think I'll go guzzle a bottle of Coke and try not to think of what that implies.

Categories: Books, DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  39 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Robert

Posted on Wednesday, March 7th, 2007

Dave!"Dude! I didn't know you were writing a book! Am I in it?"

Getting a call from Bad Robert is always an adventure because you never know what's going to be on his mind. Was his poop a funny color this morning and he's just dying to tell somebody? Did he discover a new curse word that he needs to try out on a friend? Has his Super Deluxe Girlfriend finally come to her senses, realized that Robert will never change, and moved out? You just never know.

"Oh yes, absolutely you're in it." I said. "Why? Do you not want to be in it?"

"No, that's cool," Robert said almost in a whisper. "Nah, I was just wondering what you're going to say."

This was a bit puzzling to me, as Robert is not the kind of guy to care about stuff like this. Whenever I've asked if he minds being written about in my blog, he's always blown it off as no big deal. But maybe Robert feels being mentioned in a blog is different than appearing in print, and I'm suddenly hesitant to mention that not only is he in the book, but there's an entire chapter devoted to him. I don't get to see Robert very often, but he's had a huge impact on my life. I can't imagine him not appearing in Daveology, because the stories are just too good.

"How about I promise to send you anything I write about you, and you can tell me if I can put it in the book," I say.

"Oh yeah! That would be great!" Robert says, his relief audible.

So last night I emailed him an outline of his chapter, then attached the stuff I had already written. Just in case anybody is interested, I've reprinted the first part of our Las Vegas adventure, where we've just passed through airport security at Seattle and I've headed off to use the restroom...

Completely ignoring the unwritten rule that dictates you should leave an empty urinal between yourself and any guy already peeing (if possible), Robert trotted up to the urinal next to mine and set about his business. This was a bit unnerving, but I was able to cope by amusing myself with the entertainment at hand. But since the only thing in my hand at that moment was my penis, my options were limited. I would have looked around for something else to distract me from this uncomfortable situation, but there was nothing else in my viewing angle except other men and their penises. Since amusing myself with my own penis or watching other guys using theirs is frowned upon in any public restroom outside of Los Angeles, I instead decided to concentrate on my shiny white urinal, noting how its manufacturer, American Standard, became Nacirema Dradnats when spelled backwards. But just as I was thinking how “Nacirema” kind of sounded like “Macarena,” and how I haven’t heard that song in a while, the inevitable happened.
   
“Holy shit!” Robert exclaimed at full volume. “Dude! There’s a pube on top of the urinal!”
   
Before leaving on our trip, I had worried about the strange things that seem to happen whenever Robert is around. He’s like a magnet for trouble and weird happenings, and going to a city like Las Vegas with such a person is bound to be somewhat problematic. I had consoled myself by thinking my past experiences of hanging out with Robert would prepare me to deal with any situation that might occur. What I didn’t expect was having to deal with a situation while my dick was hanging out of my trousers.
   
Mortified beyond my ability to express, I tried to concentrate on more pressing matters and pretend I didn’t know this deranged man peeing next to me. But such efforts are futile when Robert is involved.
   
“How does a pube get on top of the urinal?” Robert said, transfixed by the errant pubic hair. “Did a 10-foot giant pee here?”
   
“Uhhhhhhhh...” I stammered uselessly, “I guess so.”
   
“Well that doesn’t make any sense!” he shouted. “Because wouldn’t a giant have giant pubes? This one is normal sized.”
   
At this point I was considering whether I should continue to stand there urinating while an entire restroom of guys stared at us, or zipping up and peeing my pants so I could flee. In my mind both options were equally embarrassing.
   
“Look at it! Just look at it!” Robert cried, his face getting closer and closer to the object of his newfound obsession.
   
Using all the force I could muster, I managed to expel the remaining contents of my bladder in record time. Unconcerned as to what damage this might have done to my urinary tract, I practically ran to the sink so I could wash up and escape.
   
“Dude, this is seriously fucked up!” Robert shouted over his shoulder, ignoring the stares of guys desperately trying not to stare in a place where staring can get you in serious trouble. “Where’s your camera?”
   
Sweat pouring down my forehead, I exited the bathroom with my hands trembling. We were only twenty minutes into a three-day trip and I was already a nervous wreck. With an hour left until we boarded the plane, I quickly began calculating how much alcohol I could consume in the time available. The only way I was going to survive this weekend was if I were drunk or Robert were sedated.

Then this morning I get another call... "Did you read it?" I ask.

"Yeah. Yeah. But where is the time we nearly got beaten up by that trucker at McDonalds? That was pretty funny! You should put that in there too. Oh! And what about my cat? How come my cat isn't in the book? Oooh! Don't forget about the Skittles! You've got to tell the time about the Skittles!"

So I guess Robert doesn't have a problem being in the book. It would seem his only problem is that the book isn't entirely about him.

Categories: Books, DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Astral

Posted on Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Dave!Last night I was flipping though channels and landed on the CW Network which was airing a "Pussycat Dolls: The Search for a New Pussy" reality show. I kept watching expecting to see hottie potential Pussies shaking their asses in some kind of competition... but instead was treated to a girl blowing chunks in the toilet. WTF? If I wanted this kind of action, I'd go buy a Girls Gone Wild video where I could see me some nudity with my puking!

Blargh. I miss Veronica Mars already (which is on hiatus until sometime in April).

Back on Sunday when I was in Chicago all bored and alone in my hotel room, Hilly (whom I love more than chocolate pudding) was kind enough to "keep me company" via email as I hammered away on my blog entry for the day. Eventually our conversation turned to the upcoming TequilaCon this weekend, and how much we were looking forward to the event. Though my trip is not coming together exactly as I had planned, I am still excited that I can go...

Dave at Tequilacon 2007
Tequilacon 2007 Logo

This got me to thinking about all the bloggers I've met in person, and how lucky I am to have had the opportunity to do so. While meeting bloggers in real-life has never been a disappointment, it has always been different. That's what makes everything so much fun...

  • Sometimes a blogger is exactly what you expect when you meet them in person. They somehow manage to capture themselves perfectly in their blog, and the only surprise is how unsurprising they are to you. These are the people you feel you've known all your life after speaking to them for only ten minutes.
  • Sometimes a blogger is so good at expressing themselves in their writing that they seem more "real" in their blog than in actual real-life. These are the people whom I stand in awe of, because they've found an outlet for personal expression they might not otherwise have.
  • Sometimes a blogger whom you may not relate to at all in their writings comes to life in a way you never expected once you've seen them in person. These are the people who are the most fun to meet, because they will get you to appreciate their blog in an entirely new light... their physical personality giving you an entirely new context for enjoying their blog.
  • And sometimes a blogger is just totally insane (I get that a lot when people meet me).

So tomorrow I'm off to the airport to fly down to Portland (since my stupid car would probably explode if I tried to drive it to TequilaCon). For everybody who is attending, I'll see you there! For those of you who can't make it... why not astrally project yourself to the party? On Saturday around 7:00pm, just float your spirit-self over Oregon, and drop down when you see this...

Kennedy School Overview

That's The Kennedy School Bar and Hotel in northern Portland. If I sense your essence, I'll be sure to give you a astral high-five and buy you an out-of-body drink. But please don't drink and astrally-project home! You're more than welcome to crash your higher being in my room so long as you behave yourself (no spirit-fingering my ass in the middle of the night).

Hmmm... I should probably get some more sleep this morning so I'll have the energy to pack a suitcase after work tonight. I wonder how many pair of underwear I'll be needing for the weekend? I think I'll pack a dozen just to be safe.

   

Portlandia

Posted on Friday, March 9th, 2007

Dave!With an hour before my connecting flight to Portland, I decide to grab something to eat. Wandering down the D Concourse of SeaTac, I spot a bagel shop and decide that sounds like a great lunch. I was, of course, wrong. While the "bagel" was bread-like and had a hole in the middle, it could hardly be called a bagel. For the millionth time I wonder why shit like this can legally be called a bagel when, in fact, it is not. There are no bagels outside of New York City.

After choking down as much of my "bagel" as I can manage, I'm off to find a restroom. I don't actually have to go, but figure I would go anyway as a precautionary measure. The last thing I want to do is walk up to Hilly in Portland all Forrest Gump-like and have my first words be "I gots tuh go pee."

Today is pre-TequilaCon craziness with the actual event happening tomorrow.

And that's all I gots to say about that.

Because it's 1:00am and tomorrow I want pancakes.

Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

TEQUILACON 1

Posted on Saturday, March 10th, 2007

Dave!Today is the day!

TeuilaCon 2007 started off early yesterday when I met Karl and Hilly at the airport for the 10-minute drive to The Kennedy School for check-in. There were tentative plans to have a pre-con meet up, so we had dinner and drinks at the restaurant while we waited. It was nice to catch up on old times, but a bit odd when you consider that I had never met either one of them before today... blogger meet-ups are like that.

Once Adena and Stacey arrived, we couldn't find a table anywhere at The Kennedy School (it's a popular place!) so we took a run to the Alameda Brew House not too far away. Then Neil and Sophia showed up for beer and big fun...

TequilaCon 2007
Hilly, Sophia, Neil, Karl, Stacey, and Adena at the Alameda Brew House

Then it was time to head back to The Kennedy School where we ran into Dustin (my new roommate) and went hunting for bloggers. After a while of wandering, we found Jenny, Brandon, Jill, Kimberly, Sibyl, and Vahid.

TequilaCon 2007
Jenny rocking the official TequilaCon 2007 poster.

This morning we're meeting up for super-fantastic French Toast at The Cadillac Cafe and then heading downtown to Powell City of Books. I'm sure there will be blogging updates as time allows.

Categories: Blogging 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  3 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

TEQUILACON 2

Posted on Sunday, March 11th, 2007

Dave!Wow.

TequilaCon 2007 has just ended, and it couldn't have been more amazing. A great bunch of people having fun (sometimes too much fun) and getting to meet the faces behind the blogs. I just knew it was going to be good, but nothing could prepare me for how much fun was to be had. Kudos to the TequilaCon Advisory Committee for their brilliant work this time around, and I can't wait to attend next year's event.

Among the billions of photos taken, here are a few random shots from my camera tonight...

Tequilacon 2007

Jenny's annual tattoo parlor was open for business. Mine was pretty bad-ass. "Bad to the Bone - FOREVER" with a skull and cross-bones... it doesn't get much better than that...

Tequilacon 2007

The incomparable Hilly and Stunning Ms. Sizzle glamming it up for their adoring fans and paparazzi...

Tequilacon 2007

We took a run with Portland's favorite taxi driver to the famous VooDoo Donuts. The trip was made all the more exciting when we found out that COCK-FEST was coming to town...

Tequilacon 2007

Our voodoo donut sacrifice to the tequila gods was delicious...

Tequilacon 2007

But one of the most interesting attendees for TequilaCon 2007 was the venue itself. The Kennedy School is incredibly cool, despite a number of disturbing images hanging in the hallways...

Tequilacon 2007

To everybody who attended, thanks for such a great time. To everybody who could not attend, I hope to see you next time!

   

Bullet Sunday 21

Posted on Sunday, March 11th, 2007

Dave!Welcome to Bullet Sunday at Blogography, where everybody is bitchy and nobody is getting licked! Oooh... those insider-TequilaCon-jokes are going to be torture for the next week or so...

• Turbulence. I almost think that the constant problems with the flights back home (one cancellation and two delays) were devised by fate so a to spare me from that final hop to Wenatchee. The turbulence was so bad that people were being thrown about... with books, tickets, passports, iPods, and everything else not nailed down being tossed around around the cabin. I rarely get motion sickness, but things were so bad that I thought my stomach was going to leap out of my mouth. After landing, I decided the only thing that sounded good to eat was a Quizno' sub sandwich, but when I got to the restaurant at 6:00, they had just closed. WTF?!? How stupid do you have to be to close early around the dinner hour? Even if there was a reason... like a power failure... the least they could do would be to post a sign as to why they had closed two hours prematurely. Jerks. Oh well, I'm home in one piece, so it's hard to complain too much.

• Ladykiller. Yeah, this photo from Hilly pretty much sums up the "TequilaCon Experience" for me...

Dave TequilaCon
Yes, bitches! I am one sexy bastard! Just ask Jenny and Sass...

• Lanyards. To make sure that TequilaConners would be able to spot each other while wandering the halls of The Kennedy School, Jenny and I came up with the idea giving lanyard name badges to everybody. That way, in addition to feeling all superior while walking around in a hotel/bar/restaurant filled with non-believers, attendees would have an easy introduction to each other. A couple of people have written and asked how they can get an official TequilaCon lanyard, and I'm sorry to say the only way to get one is to have shown up. But don't be too sad if you missed your opportunity, you'll have a chance to get one all your own at TequilaCon 2008!

TequilaCon Lanyards
Photo courtesy of Hilly's mad camera skillz.

• Experience. Karl has posted his photos, which resulted in a more terrifying look at my TequilaCon experience...

Karl TequilaCon Photos
Dave & Hilly get lanyardized. — Dave and Karl are TequilaCon studs.
Dave makes fun of Dustin's umbrella. — I'm a pretty pretty princess in Hilly's tiara!
Dave gives Hilly a tattoo. — Must moisten tatoo to adhere to skin!

• Powells. While Vahid, Dustin, and I were exploring the massive science fiction section of Powell's City of Books yesterday, the conversation came up about the first science fiction book we had read. I remembered mine was called "Jupiter's Song," or something like that, and Vahid and I set out to find it. After making numerous enquiries with a guy staffing the customer service desk, we came up empty. No "Jupiter's Song." No "Jupiter Effect." No "Jupiter Files." After giving up, we're walking around Powell's when we hear the loudspeaker make an announcement "Would the customer asking about the Jupiter book please see the customer service desk in the Orange Room... we've located the actual title for you." AND THEY DID! After we had left, the guy sat there plugging away trying to find a sci-fi book with "Jupiter" in the title, and had found "The Jupiter Theft" by Donald Moffitt. They didn't have it in stock, but they did have a couple other Moffitt books which I picked up. Amazing customer service, and all the more reason to patronize your local independent book store.

And I'm about ready to fall asleep, so it's off to bed for me. I'm sure more TequilaCon-related madness will be popping up for a few days yet. Sorry about that.

Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Buttoned

Posted on Monday, March 12th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

As Jenny was organizing the massive blowout that was TequilaCon 2007 PACNW, there was one concern that kept popping up in my head. What can you do you to make sure that people don't spend all their time hanging with bloggers they already know, but instead branch out and want to meet everybody? How do you make sure that those people who might be shy around groups or are new to blogging feel welcome, comfortable, and involved? The name badge lanyards were a start, but was there something else I could do to help out?

Having been to a number of Hard Rock Cafe pin collector events, I knew that most of the fun was wandering around trading pins with all the attendees. With this in mind, I decided to put my button machine to good use and make blog buttons. I didn't know everybody showing up... or even if everybody who said they were going to show up would actually be there... but I figured if I picked a dozen bloggers, gave them custom blog pins, and then brought a big bag of eclectic pins for everybody else, maybe it would encourage people to wander around so they could trade. Just maybe attendees would end up talking to more people than they usually would if they were trying to find pins they didn't have. It was worth a shot...

TequilaCon Buttons

It seemed to work out okay, because everywhere you went TequilaConners were wearing pins on their shirts and had pins stacked on their lanyards...

TequilaCon Buttons

The problem was that not everybody had custom pins to trade. I feel kind of bad about that, so once Jenny compiles a final list of attendees I'll fix those blog pins I got wrong, add the blog pins I missed, then build a complete set I can send out to those who would like to have them. If Jenny and Brandon end up wanting to do this again next year, hopefully I'll be better organized.

And now for a few of those TequilaCon Moments I never get tired of re-living...

Knowing my love of all things Batman, Karl surprised me with an early birthday present... A BATMAN ALARM CLOCK! It's retro cool and will look superb sitting on my Batman Lego shelf. And, as if the clock weren't enough, Karl also included a battery. The man has class, I'll give him that much (though I will always remain jealous that the bastard looks better rocking Hilly's tiara than I do).

Dave's New Bat-Clock

Then, just as I was beginning to think that this was the best TequilaCon ever, Michelle shows up with another present... THE NINJA-POPE LIL' DAVE ACTION FIGURE! This means not only is she Portland's favorite taxi driver, president of the TequilaCon Doughnut Procurement Office, and somebody I love more than my Cinnamon Crest toothpaste, she's also got talent. No photo could ever do justice to the detail that's sculpted into the piece (he's even sporting his Ninja Papal Power Staff!), but he's been added to my toy shelf, right between the starship Enterprise and my Plastic Brain, as you can see here...

PopeDave Toy

Pretty sweet! And if you are not reading This Fare City, you should be. In all seriousness, many of Michelle's stories are better than the rest of our blogs put together.

Alrighty then. Will tomorrow finally see an end to all these TequilaCon entries? Probably not. I've barely touched upon all the goings on from the weekend. TequilaCon was much bigger than anybody could have anticipated, and the aftershocks will be felt for days (if not months) to come!

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Numbers

Posted on Tuesday, March 13th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

While having breakfast the morning of TequilaCon, I spoke about a concept I call "Dave Numbers."

It's kind of a personal ranking scheme that determines your place in this world based on your proximity to the center of the universe (which would be me). In simple terms, I classify my relationship with other people by assigning them numbers. Called Dave Numbers, this classification system is built upon how close others are to me based on certain criteria. The further you are away from me (either physically or by definition), the higher your number...

Davenumbering

Here is a sample list of some things that can get you a Dave Number...

  1. You've had intimate contact with Dave.
  2. You've touched Dave.
  3. You've met/spoken to Dave in person.
  4. You've had a phone or IM conversation with Dave.
  5. You've had mail/email communication with Dave.
  6. You've received a blog comment from Dave.
  7. Dave knows who you are.
  8. You've commented at Blogography.
  9. You've read Blogography.
  10. You know who Dave is.

If your Dave Number is 0, you ARE Dave (lucky bastard!). Dave Numbers can be negative (e.g. a Dave Number of -1 implies you've had sex or some other very naughty contact with Dave, a -5 means you've performed open-heart surgery on Dave). Some other known number assignments follow. Note how drastically things decline once you get past the point where you don't even know who Dave is...

  1. You hate pudding.
  2. You think Bill O'Reilly actually knows what the f#@% he is talking about.
  3. You are Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore.
  4. You are "actor" David Caruso.
  5. You drive in the passing lane without passing anybody.
  6. You are pseudo-religious nut-bag Pat Robinson.
  7. You are skanky media dumbass Anne Coulter.

Base Dave Numbers range from 1-500, whereas 500 is reserved for inanimate objects not capable of being aware of Dave at all (or anything else, for that matter... kind of like a cheese sandwich or Dr. Phil).

Sometimes Dave Numbers are assigned arbitrarily. For example, I have not had sex with Elizabeth Hurley, but she still rates a Dave Number of -1 because I feel her deep inside my soul. Sometimes Dave Numbers are arrived at by averaging. For example, if you have touched me (2) but you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220) your Dave Number would be 111 (2+220 divided by 2). This may seem harsh, but your not knowing how to drive properly makes me feel that much more distanced from you. In some rare cases, Dave Numbers are reached through cumulation. For example, if you hate pudding (22), are Jarod the Subway Sandwich Whore (163), and you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220), your total Dave Number is 405 (22+163+220). With a number like 405, you might as well not exist.

That's why events like TequilaCon are so special when I am in attendance. Just walking through this door is guaranteed to significantly decrease your Dave Number...

TequilaCon Registration
This photo shamelessly stolen from Postmodern Sass.

Since a low Dave Number is highly coveted, I live in constant fear of random people running up and talking to me or sticking their finger in my ear in hopes that their number will go down. One time a guy who wanted the bank to give him a better mortgage interest rate had knocked me down, farted in my face, then ran off declaring that he now had a Dave Number of -2 because I had "breathed in his essence." Unfortunately for him, he didn't realize that his Dave Number actually increased because that -2 had to be averaged with 496 (You cause physical, mental, or spiritual damage to Dave), which resulted in a 247. Not only did the guy not get a better interest rate, but the bank then refused to give him a loan at all, he was fired from his job, his wife left him, and he ended up being forced to live the rest of his life alone in shame. It's sad, but that's the price you pay for having such a high Dave Number.

This is why you should be clearing your calendar for TequilaCon 2008... since I am planning on attending, your happiness in life may very well depend on it.

   

Douchebags

Posted on Wednesday, March 14th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

Dateline: This past Friday.

"Dude! Three hundred!" is screamed at me as I answer my phone. "THREE-HUNDREHHHHHD!!" Thinking that Robert is playing some kind of Price is Right bidding game with me, I shout back "THREE TWENTY-FIVE!"

"Dude. No, dude. 300 opens this weekend." He is, of course, referring to the bad-ass Frank Miller comic book turned kick-ass movie, which I had completely forgotten about for some reason. It's about 300 Spartans running around half-naked trying to battle an entire army of Persians against overwhelming odds...

Dave 300

"It's TequilaCon this weekend!" says me. "I'm leaving for the airport in a couple of hours."

"Dude, you were serious about that?" Robert says in disbelief.

"Well, yes I was serious about that. What did you think?" (whenever I don't understand what Robert is talking about, I find it helpful to ask point-blank... this seems to save a lot of wasted time and embarrassment).

"You had blogged about astrally projecting yourself or something, so I thought this was just one of those imaginary things..." His voice is kind of trailing off now. He's already mentally running through a list of other people he can call to watch the movie with him. But he must have came up empty, because the next thing I hear is this...

"But what if everybody who shows up at the tequila thing is a douchebag?"

"They're not douchebags! I know these people." I say.

"No you don't. You just read what they tell you. You don't really know them at all."

And there it is.

With the exception of Jenny, I truly don't know who any of these people are. I'm not worried, of course, I have met plenty of other bloggers and always end up having a great time. Sure there might be a few people who get drunk and try to spread peanut butter on my ass (or something equally bizarre), but past experience has taught me that most people who show up at blogger functions are genuinely good people who just want to meet other bloggers.

"There's always a douchebag that shows up. Maybe you'll get lucky and the only douchebag is you." Robert says laughing, just before the line goes dead.

Now that TequilaCon 2007 is over, I'm relieved to say that I did not run into any douchebags. If Robert's theory is correct, this means it was me after all. Sorry everybody!

   

Cancellation

Posted on Thursday, March 15th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

On this penultimate day of TequilaCon Week, I had thought I would sit down tonight and blog about the host city to this year's event... Portland, Oregon. Given that one of my best friends had lived there for eight years, I have a number of interesting adventures from my visits to the "City of Roses."

But my beloved Veronica Mars (the best show on television) looks to be cancelled now, so I just don't feel like it.

CW Network fuckers. I'm just dying to know what pile of shit you're going to get to replace Veronica, and will laugh my ass off when it turns out to be yet another CW turd that gets cancelled after three episodes.

Anyway...

If no other television disasters happen between now and tomorrow, I'll finish off TequilaCon Week and start getting ready for Blogography's Blogiversary 4 Celebration next month. Wheee.

Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Peeped

Posted on Friday, March 16th, 2007

Dave!This is the conclusion of TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

Gee, can it really have been a week since I flew off to Portland and the wonders of TequilaCon? Apparently so.

One of the hazards of attending a blogging event packed with talented, clever, interesting people is that you leave with a big pile of new links for your blogroll. This is a happy event if your blog is new and your blogroll is empty. But if you've been blogging four years like I have, odds are your blogroll is already stuffed to overflowing.

Time to move my blogroll to a separate page.

Now I've got room to keep a running tally of all the bloggers I've met, but it seems a shame that I can't promote those many bloggers I enjoy but haven't met on the front page. Looks like it's time to look at finishing up my BloggerPeeps project.

The original idea of BloggerPeeps was to create an "blogger anti-network" and offer a visual directory of bloggers I read. One of my favorite parts of the project was the idea of creating a little "Peep Popper" widget which would randomly cycle through all of the BloggerPeeps members... kind of a compact blogroll with little Peep-Heads that shift in and out...

Peep Popper

I built the Peep Popper in Flash so it could do all the nifty things it needed to do, but could never get it to work right. I've made a temporary non-working widget, but still want to find somebody who knows how to program Flash ActionScript so I can have a real one.

In the meanwhile, the BloggerPeeps site is here, and there are already two amazing bloggers listed there from last year (which was when I started this project). To keep things interesting, I'll be adding a new Peep-Head every week.

Okay then... until TequilaCon 2008, I guess that's all she wrote.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Dream

Posted on Saturday, March 17th, 2007

Dave!As a possible side-effect of the insomnia I've been suffering for the past two decades, I don't dream like "normal" people do. To my knowledge, I never have. Whenever somebody tells me that they had this great dream where they ate chocolate pudding at the Eiffel Tower and then ended up having a sex orgy with a half-dozen movie stars (plus Angeline Jolie) at the Louvre, I just nod my head appreciatively as if I know what they are talking about.

But I don't.

My dreams are very different. For one thing, I always know that I am dreaming because I am never actually in the dream. Instead, I am merely an observer... kind of like watching a movie. For example, if I am having a dream where a naked Elizabeth Hurley is laying in bed reading Batman comics to me as I'm being given a full-body massage by Princess Jasmine from Disney's Aladdin while floating in a cloud castle... it's not really me. It's just somebody who looks like me. In the dream, I'm the one floating outside the window watching it all.

Yeah, dreaming pretty much suck ass for me. The bastard...

Dave Sandman

So when somebody sends me a meme that's asking about my dreams, I cannot help but be a little depressed.

Because it's not like I can whip out some great dream about the time I went skydiving with Halle Berry and ended up landing in a giant ice cream sundae where we made sweet love on a bed of chocolate fudge brownies while SpongeBob Squarepants dances around blowing bubbles out of the whip cream. That would be cool, but it just doesn't work that way.

Oh well. My feeble attempt at the "Dream Meme" is in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 22

Posted on Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday with the lights out! Problems with the electrical power have wrecked havoc with my work plans today, so here I am blogging on my laptop where it's safe.

As a side-note, I should mention that I am aware that Blogography has been having problems recently. My web hosting company, Media Temple, has been having serious issues with their new "Grid Server," and being able to access my site or comment on entries has been hit-or-miss as of late. Media Temple is supposedly working on the problem, but these issues have been going on for months now, so I'm not sure how much faith I can put in that. All I can say is "sorry" and please come back later if you're having problems.

Reeses Racing

• Disappointment! There's a dilemma I like to call "The Reese's Gambit." It hinges on the mysterious Russian-Roulette game you play every time you buy a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup candy bar. Will the peanut butter in the center be deliciously moist and tasty... or will it be all dried-up, powdery, and disgusting? There's no way of knowing, so you just have to buy one and find out what you get. When the center is good, there's very few candy bars I like better than a Reese's. When it's BAD, however, it usually pisses me off so much that I will go months without eating one again. Today, after a suitable three-month mourning period following a crappy Reese's experience, I tried again and got a good one. Yay me. Thinking I'd hit the jackpot, I went running back to the mini-mart to buy more... and was horrified to find that all of them had gross dried-out centers. So now I'm thinking it will be a while before I'm willing to play the Reese's Gambit again. I guess I'll just have to live off the memory of that yummy first Reese's for a while, and that sucks ass.

Remo Williams

• Destroyer! I watched Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins on DVD for the hundredth time last night, and wondered for the thousandth time why somebody hasn't made any more movies based on the series of excellent Destroyer books. Sure the original film (starring Fred Ward and Joel Grey) wasn't much of a financial success, and Destroyer fans disliked it because the story didn't follow the books closely enough... but I loved the movie. I still love it. And now that Tor Books is reviving the book line again with a series of "New Destroyer" novels in May, isn't it about time somebody step up and revive the movie franchise as well? The series really has it all... action, drama, intrigue, humor, and some of the most brilliant characters ever written. With the right director and cast, a Destroyer film would kick ass.

Cathy Dennis Move to This

• Deception! Back in 1994 there was a radio hit called Touch Me (All Night Long) by Cathy Dennis. The vocals were quite good, Cathy was suitably hot, and it had a sweet Europop electro-beat I liked. After a couple of listens I decided to run down to Hastings so I could buy the CD, which was titled Move to This (I was going on a road trip, and wanted something new to listen to). Imagine my surprise when I found out that the Touch Me song they were playing on the radio was not the same song on the CD. Instead of that kicky Europop beat driving the song, the CD track was all boring and shitty. I have a running joke with my friends about kicking the crap out of Cathy Dennis if I ever see her for betraying me this way. It may have been a dozen years past, but I just can't let it go. And then this morning I check my email to find that my friend Meagan had gifted the crappy song to me on iTunes... presumably as a joke. Well ha ha, the joke's on her because, as I was claiming the song, I noticed that iTunes had the REAL version of the song for sale off of a compilation called 100% Pure Dance. It's a mix that runs a little long, but it has the proper beat and I've been rocking out to it all morning. I think that I am finally... finally able to release my rabid hatred of Cathy Dennis now.

Hard Rock Dallas
Photo swiped from Virgil LaFerney's EXCELLENT Hard Rock Dallas Page.

• Dallas! I've been meaning to write about the sad closing of the Hard Rock Cafe Dallas since it happened two weeks ago, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The pet project of Hard Rock co-founder Isaac Tigrett, the Dallas cafe was a special property indeed. Originally a Baptist Church, 13 million dollars was spent renovating the building and creating the cafe, which finally opened on November, 1986 (the fourth Hard Rock in the US and ninth world-wide). There were many features that made this cafe unique in the chain, and the property quickly became one of my favorites when I first visited in July, 2001. Hearing about the closing was painful, and I feel terrible that I didn't manage to get back once I heard they were shutting their doors for good. It's things like this that really have me questioning why I care about the Hard Rock anymore. If the owners can't appreciate the chain's history, why should I? Oh well, at least I got to visit this one before they dumped it... nothing is more frustrating than having a cafe close before I have a chance to visit.

Robert Downey Jr. Zodiac

• Downey! How is it that Robert Downey Jr. can steal every movie he's in... even if it is a relatively minor role? Sure Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo were excellent as the driving force behind David Fincher's latest film, Zodiac, but it's Downey who makes the film truly interesting to me. Playing seriously flawed reporter Paul Avery, he just blows everybody else off the screen. Suddenly a film that seems more like a crime reenactment than a cohesive story comes alive because Robert Downey Jr. just sucks you into his character. My only real criticism of this beautifully-shot movie is that it didn't have enough Downey in it. Well, that and the really bad toupee that Anthony Edwards was forced to wear throughout the film. Holy crap did it ever look like a ferret died on his head. Why why why couldn't they have just left his character bald so as not to distract the audience and embarrass the actor?

Oooh... the power is back on again! Guess I'll save my remaining bullets for next Sunday, because it's back to work for me...

   

Yaknow?

Posted on Monday, March 19th, 2007

Dave!Yaknow how you get that feeling in your nose and down your throat just before you're going to catch a cold? It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, because I get maybe one cold every three or four years and forget. Well, today at around 2:15, I got that "feeling." After screaming for a few minutes, I choked down vitamin C in quantities that are equivalent to the Recommended Daily Dosage for a small city, then shoved so much Zicam up my nose that I thought I was going to drown. When this happened a few months ago, it turned out to be nothing. It had better be nothing this time as well, or I might be upset.

Yaknow how you're washing clothes and you've run out of soap, so you put water into the soap bottle and swish it around to make more soap? But you forget to buy a new bottle of soap, so you keep trying to get more soap out of the empty bottle with even more water? Then suddenly you realize that you've been doing this for three wash-loads, and there just isn't anymore soap in that bottle? So then you add dishwasher soap in the hopes that it will be good enough to clean the underwear you so desperately need? Uh huh. Well, I hope I don't have an allergic reaction on my happy bits tomorrow, because that would suck ass.

Yaknow how you're blogging about maybe catching a cold AND possibly having an allergic reaction on your crotch, then realize that tomorrow might not be your day?

Anal Visitors

Yaknow how you look at your blog stats to make sure that you're not going to run over your bandwidth limit, then happen to notice how almost NOBODY visits your blog on the weekend? And then you start to wonder if perhaps Kevin has the right idea, and maybe you should just start skipping the weekends? Yeah. But I am so undisciplined that if I did start skipping weekends, I'd probably start skipping every day and never blog again. Why do I ever look at my blog stats? No good can ever come of it.

Yaknow how you've been craving taco pizza all day, so you get home and toss a frozen cheese pizza in the oven, then get out the lettuce, the tomatoes, the hot sauce, and grate the cheddar cheese that goes on top? But then you see that the lettuce has gone all brown and squishy, and you don't actually have any tomatoes? But since you've already grated the cheddar cheese and still want that pizza, you decide to just have a pile of cheese on top of your cheese pizza for dinner? This can't be healthy.

Yaknow how you've got a dozen things you want to blog about, but you're tired and don't feel like it so you just stop?

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Dave Approved: Invincible

Posted on Tuesday, March 20th, 2007

Dave!One of the horrible things about having a blog is that you meet new friends who like nothing more than taking up your time and ruining your life. But in a good way. As an example, I met up with Vahid and Dustin for a while at Powell's during TequilaCon, and suddenly I have a list of 20 books I want, but won't have time to read. But I'll end up making the time anyway, hence the "ruining my life" part. It's the same for most bloggers I keep tabs on... they're always recommending a book or movie or food or something cool that I'm dying to see/read/experience, but just don't have time for.

But the worst offender would have to be Avitable. The bastard regularly throws out questions, comments, or recommendations which waste hours and hours of my valuable time. He'll drop a Buffy reference, and suddenly I'm consumed with watching all 144 episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on DVD. He'll start talking about Warren Ellis' blog, and suddenly I'm clicking over and wasting precious time going through his extensive archives. It's like I'm on remote-control or something. I don't know if it's because Avitable and I have similar interests (scary), because we're on the same mental wavelength (terrifying), or because we are somehow sharing the same brain (explains a lot), but the guy is responsible for more lost time in my life than the next ten people on my list combined.

A few days ago he sends me off an email asking about a few comic titles, wondering if I read them. On the list is Robert Kirkman's Invincible, which happens to be one of the greatest comic books ever. Since I only buy the trade-paperback collections, I haven't read it in a while. For some reason, while trying to fall asleep that night, I'm remembering what a great read Invincible is and pondering why in the heck I haven't looked at it recently. Next thing you know, it's 1:00am and I'm digging through my comic collection trying to find my Invincible trade-paperbacks. Then, because they are so damn amazing, I spend the next five hours reading them until I realize that it's time to get up and get ready for work.

Kirkman Invincible

Naturally, I'm practically useless all day while trying to operate on no sleep, which only means I'm that much further behind in my work. Even worse, Avitable has to tell me of another Kirkman creation, The Walking Dead, which he assures me is fantastic. So now on top of ruining an entire day of my life, he's intent on ruining future days as well (since I've just ordered a crap-load of Walking Dead books).

Not content to contain the destruction to myself, I'm spreading the love by adding Robert Kirkman's Invincible to my Dave Approved list. It's fresh. It's funny. It's shocking. It's invincible!

Even if you are not a hard-core comic book geek, this is one book you really need to check out. I'd highly recommend starting out with the Ultimate Collection: Volume One hardcover (which collects the first 13 issues/3 trade-paperbacks). On top of containing some of the best super-hero comics ever printed, it also has the totally mind-blowing issue #11, which reveals one of the biggest plot-twists in comic book history (seriously, I'd stack it against Watchmen any day!). It's Sixth Sense good, and blew my mind so badly that I probably read it a dozen times before I could wrap my head around it.

I remain hopeful that Invincible will be released as a movie one day (I think it was optioned by Paramount last year?), so experiencing the book before the film happens is an absolute must. Even if you don't want to buy it, request it from your local library and prepare to be amazed.

Categories: Books, Dave ApprovedClick To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Contacts

Posted on Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

Dave!I have abysmal eyesight. Mostly because my vision got very bad, very fast when I was young. The good news is that once my eyesight plummeted to a -6.75, it stayed there and never really got any worse (thankfully, or I would have gone blind years ago). I've been fluctuating between -6.5 and -6.75 for the past 25 years, and seem to be stuck there.

I started out in glasses. But when my eyes reached their apex of badness, I switched to contact lenses because the glasses were just too thick to be comfortable. I had what were commonly referred to as "Coke Bottle Glasses," and hated them. Soft contacts had just come out, and they were fantastic. I felt transformed...

Dave Contacts

Well, not THAT transformed. I still had years of fashion therapy, braces, and vats of Clearasil before that would happen...

Dave Contacts

But lately my contacts have been increasingly uncomfortable. Where I used to be able to wear them for days at a time, I'm lucky to make it 9 hours now. I've thought about having that laser surgery where they slice your eyeball open and then zap your vision to perfection, but then you end up with reduced night-vision and problems seeing things close-up. On top of all that, I've got lots of little floaty things in my eye, and laser-zap-o-fix-a-vision might make them noticeably worse.

So now I've come full-circle and will probably end up wearing glasses again.

Getting old sucks ass.

And I'm totally pissed that my optician just laughs at me when I demand a prescription for Retinox 5. Where's Dr. McCoy when you need him?

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Farrah

Posted on Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Dave!This morning I woke up woefully behind in my email. As I'm pouring through it all, I quickly notice a bunch of comment notifications on several different entries left by the same guy. This isn't terribly unusual, because every once in a while somebody discovers Blogography for the first time and gets a little excited about leaving feedback. It's actually kind of nice when it happens.

Except this time. The first comment was about how this guy had a blog for a year, but finally gave up on it because nobody was reading. "If I had known I needed to draw cartoons and write nonsense to build an audience, I would have never started in the first place" he said. Things just got stranger from there. Comment #4 was a rant about how "nobody is elevating blogs to their potential for serious discourse" and then "crap like this (i.e. Blogography) should be deleted for clogging up the internet with stupidity." Comment #5 was priceless, because he stopped slamming me and my blog, and decided to turn on my readers (this means you). "Why in the hell are you people wasting your time with this crap?" he ponders. "42 comments about Vanna White on a mattress? Are you all insane or mentally deficient? How many comments would you leave if somebody wrote about cleaning the grout in their bathtub or wiping their ass?"

An aside here... If he had dug a little deeper in the archives, he would have found out that an entry about wiping my ass resulted in 27 comments. I'm still working on that bathtub grout entry.

But it was comment #7 which stole my heart. After blasting away at me, my blog, my readers, my genealogy, Google, The New York Times, a few A-list bloggers (like Dooce, Robert Scoble, & Perez Hilton), and the entire blogosphere in general, he decided to unleash his wrath on... wait for it... Farrah Fawcett??

Yes. You read that right. Farrah...

Monkey Farrah
And no spanking my monkey in front of the Farrah poster!

Don't ask me why. I'm assuming Farrah doesn't have a blog, so maybe she set his computer on fire or something. Let your imagination run wild. All I do know is that Farrah is somehow partially responsible for people not reading the guy's stuff, and he is kind of upset about that.

Usually I delete comments like this and don't mention it, because the last thing I want to do is encourage this kind of behavior. Nasty comments which do nothing to contribute to the conversation simply aren't worth the trouble. If you want to disagree with me (or give me a verbal spanking) for something I've written, then more power to you. I have no problem approving comments like that. But I refuse to waste my time and energy on comment trolls who want a soap box for their wacky crap. They can start their own blog (or, in this case, un-delete their old blog) and leave me out of it.

But the idea of having Farrah Fawcett in one of my blog entries proved too compelling, so here we are. I understand she did very well with her recent medical treatment and is now cancer-free, so way to go Farrah. Maybe now we'll get that original Charlie's Angels reunion people keep talking about.

Anyway, there was no email address or link left with any of the comments, so I guess this is the end of it.

Ironically, if the guy's comments are any indication of what his blog was like, I would so totally have read it.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

TQ3.2

Posted on Friday, March 23rd, 2007

Dave!The ripples from the sensory utopia that was TequilaCon3 PACNW 2007 continue.

First there was TQ3.1 Seattle, whereas Dustin, Karl, and Ms. Sizzle kept the magic going. And last night was TQ3.2 Wenatchee, where Brandon, Shari, and I met up for dinner in the one-time Apple Capital of the World.

I brought a box of Aplets & Cotlets for Brandon (read this to find out why), Brandon brought a bottle of laundry detergent for me (read this to find out why), and Shari brought her entire family (for protection, obviously, which is self-explanatory considering she was meeting up with crazy bastards like Brandon and I).

The bad news is that everything went great, and I have no exciting "Brandon took out a gun and shot up the place" stories to tell. The good news is that we came up with a terrific list of possible locations for TequilaCon4 2008 that we'll be suggesting to Jenny...

Colby KS

Okay, I made up that last one because I've always wanted to visit there, but the remaining four locations actually came up in conversation. There were a number of other cities tossed around, but I forget what they were (Las Vegas maybe?). Naturally I'm pulling for Kansas because I've never been there before.

Hmmm... I'm taking the day off today. I wonder what kind of trouble I can get into?

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Annually

Posted on Saturday, March 24th, 2007

Dave!Oh look, it's my birthday today.

This year I give myself the gift of a day off from writing in my blog...


Dave Birthday

It would be hard to top last year anyway.

Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  83 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 23

Posted on Sunday, March 25th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday and I'm another year closer to death!

• Thanks! Well, shucks. Thanks to everybody who was nice enough to leave birthday comments. Thanks to everybody who sent birthday emails and eCards. Thanks to everybody who called and sent birthday text messages. Thanks to everybody who sent me birthday presents and cards. Thanks to everybody who wrote birthday wishes to me in their blog entries. I am so very grateful to everybody, and am most pleased that I seem to have fooled so many people into thinking that I am somehow deserving of such kindness and generosity.

• Behind. The bad thing about goofing off all weekend is that you get behind on email and blog reading. The bad thing about drinking all weekend is that you have no desire whatsoever to get caught up on your email and blog reading once you get back home...

Email Unread

• Panera. Living in a smaller city is kind of sad in that your dining choices are so limited. As an example, there is no place to get Indian food in the entire valley. We have fifty Mexican restaurants, but not one Indian restaurant. We are getting a bit lucky that some of the better chains are making their way to Wenatchee... there's an Applebees and a Red Robin here now (in addition to all the usual fast-food shops). But there are restaurants I really like which have not yet arrived. I'd kill for a Johnny Rockets. I'd love a Chili's. And then there's IHOP, Olive Garden, and TGI Friday's, all of which I would enjoy as dining options. But my latest obsession is Panera Bread. This weekend I was able to eat at their Alderwood location, and had one of the best sandwiches ever... the Panera Mediterranean Veggie which is described as "zesty piquant peppers, feta cheese, cucumbers, lettuce, tomatoes, onions and cilantro hummus on our Tomato Basil bread" (I hold the cucumbers). To say it was "delicious" is an understatement of massive proportions. Now I'm going to spend the next month craving another one. In some ways I dread the idea that Wenatchee will ever get these restaurants, because I'd probably weigh 500 pounds from eating at them all the time.

• Manning. Who could have guessed that Peyton Manning would be so good hosting Saturday Night Live? I just wish that they would give the President Bush impersonations back to Will Forte (instead of Jason Sedakis). It's not that Sedakis is bad, it's just that Forte offers a more sympathetic blundering to his parodies which I find funnier...

Will Forte as Bush
Photos swiped from WillForte.net

• Done. Argh. I was going to write more bullets about being gifted the latest iTunes episode of Lost, running across somebody whom I thought was dead, planning my first real vacation in 10 years, finding $40 I didn't know I had lost (in a very unlikely place), why aquamarine is a crappy birthstone to have, and a meme about magazines, but it's 11:55pm and five minutes isn't enough time to do any of that. So I guess it will all have to wait for another time. Though I have about 120 blogs to read and 211 emails to look at, so I have no idea when that might be. Probably never. I need to hire a blog ghostwriter or something.

   

Homerazzi

Posted on Monday, March 26th, 2007

Dave!As I was pouring through the hundreds of emails piled in my inbox, Hilly emailed me to ask if I had watched The Simpsons last night, which I had not. After she mentions that Betty White had a cameo, I became obsessed with seeing it. A quick trip to the iTunes Store reveals that episodes aren't sold there, so BitTorrent it is. I remain dumbfounded as to why television studios are this fraking stupid. Here I am gladly willing to pay money for something that they have, and yet there's no way to buy it. I will, of course, buy the Season 18 DVD set when it becomes available (I buy all The Simpsons DVDs) but this is ridiculous. I cannot help but wonder if the execs at FOX Studios get together with Matt Groening at the end of each week and burn a big pile of money, since they obviously have no interest in maximizing their acquisition of it.

In any event, Betty has done it once again. Her brief appearance on the show after Homer has become one of the paparazzi was priceless...

Homer and Betty

Speaking of priceless, my beloved Elizabeth Hurley is making waves because of her stunning appearance at Elton John's birthday party...

Elizabeth Hurley at Elton's Birthday

And photos of her Indian wedding ceremony have finally surfaced...

Liz Indian Wedding

Elizabeth Hurley... delicious on any continent!

Speaking of delicious, is it wrong that I actually want to see the latest Will Ferrell comedy, Blades of Glory?

Bladesofglory

Every time I see the previews, I laugh. And tonight I watched the Comedy Central "inside look" on the movie and want to see it even more. This is quite disturbing to me, because I'm pretty sure that I would normally avoid this kind of crap like the plague.

And speaking of plagues...

   

Flaming

Posted on Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

Dave!I don't get sick very often, for which I am most grateful. On those rare occasions I do get sick, I don't like to talk about it. I can't stand listening to somebody else's health problems, so why would anybody want to listen to mine? I've just never understood these people who like to get together and discuss all the bizarre crap that's wrong with them. Especially in public. I'm always the guy wanting to scream "NOBODY CARES IF YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS, BITCH!" whenever I come across these absurd conversations which people happily have in restaurants or the mini mart. Some things should be kept private.

But I just can't help myself.

Last night I had the worst case of flaming diarrhea farts ever...

Davefarts

Seriously. There were moments I didn't know what was going to happen, and other moments where it felt like my ass was on fire. The entire evening is a blur of one horrible moment after another. And the worst part is that I have no idea what caused it. Nothing I ate could explain the drama going on in my bathroom. No Super Bean Burritos. No Cabbage Milkshakes. No Double Prune Danishes. No Pints of Guinness. It was a total mystery. My ass was rebelling against some unknown offense that I still don't understand.

When I finally went to bed, it was because there was nothing left in me to expel. The only thing I was filled with was dread at the thought of waking up and having breakfast the next morning. What if it started all over again? As a safety precaution, I consumed a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a half-box of Imodium.

But everything turned out akay in the end (heh heh). I woke up, had breakfast, and my day was pretty much normal.

If only I could erase the memories.

In less nasty news, OMFG! Geeks of Doom is reporting Variety as saying that we're going to be seeing a Lego Batman videogame in 2008! Just when I think that the Lego Star Wars videogames were about as cool as things can get... this happens. The Lego Batman toys are super-sweet (combining two of my favorite things ever!), and I can't wait to see how they translate into a game. Just hearing this makes me want to start playing Lego Star Wars all over again.

I mean, holy crap! It's Lego F#@%ing Batman... IN A VIDEOGAME!!

Legofuckingbatman

And that's all she wrote.

Unless you want to read about how confused I am by the configuration of Adobe's new "Creative Suite 3" bundles, which I've put in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Slapper

Posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

Dave!I'm running out of ways to say "kiss my ass."

And it's a darn shame too, because there are some people I know right now who are in desperate need of a nice "kiss my ass" shout-out. But I've found that there's only so many times you can say that in a day without starting to sound like you are, in fact, wanting some lip-action on your posterior. In some cases, this may be true. But, in general, most of the people I'm telling to kiss my ass I don't really want anywhere near my butt.

In lieu of a good "kiss my ass" replacement, I suppose I could just skip the verbal assault and go around bitch-slapping the idiots...

Daveslapper

Alas, physical assault is frowned upon by the police, and I'd imagine that there's only so many times you could go around bitch-slapping people before you're being hauled in for your mugshot...

Wenworldmugshot

And since the idea of somebody arresting me while I'm eating my Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes is not cool, restraining myself seems to be a good idea. No matter how much the moron deserves it.

Eh. Maybe I'll just start telling people to "bite me" instead.

   

Lotto

Posted on Thursday, March 29th, 2007

Dave!Last night was worse than most in that I didn't get ANY sleep. I had taken a quick 45-minute nap before The Daily Show & Colbert Report, and that was enough to totally f#@% up my sleep schedule. Since my poop schedule had already been messed up by my flaming diarrhea farts from two days ago, I can only assume that all my bodily functions are now attempting to sync-up again... badly.

After having "woken up" (ha ha ha) I had a raging headache and decided to take an aspirin. I stumbled to the kitchen medicine cupboard and downed a couple Excedrin, then went to the bathroom so I could put in my contact lenses. Once I could see again, I went back to the kitchen and noticed something very, very wrong. The Excedrin bottle I had left on the counter was not actually Excedrin... it was Excedrin PM, which is a combination pain reliever/sleeping pill.

Great. So now, on top of being exhausted from lack of sleep, I had just taken some sleeping pills...

Excedrin

Red pill? Blue pill? Whatever. Am I in the f#@%ing Matrix or something? Holy shit, Morpheus... I just took the blue pill! Now I won't get to have sex with Trinity in the sequel!

The day was getting off to a really interesting start.

On the way to work I had a panic attack thinking that I would fall asleep at my desk, so I decided to stop at the mini-mart and buy a 4-Pack of Red Bull. Perhaps drinking a bunch of energy drinks would counteract the sleeping pills? It was worth a shot. As I was paying for my Red Bull, I was exactly $2 over the total, so I decided to do something I never do... buy a Lotto ticket.

It may be the combination of the Excedrin PM and Red Bull talking, but I am feeling very, very lucky.

I have decided to win the Lotto.

I'M GOING TO WIN THE F#@%ING LOTTO!!

Maybe if I win the 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS, I won't have to worry about my poop and sleep schedule being all f#@%ed up. With 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS, I can poop and sleep whenever I want! And I certainly won't have to worry about people making fun of my new Sanjaya haircut...

Dave Sanjaya Lotto

Bleh. My head is feeling all mooshy. I wonder if it was a lethal combination of Excedrin PM and Red Bull that killed Anna Nicole Smith? I had better take some Pepto Bismol so I can get this all sorted out.

Because is there anything that Pepto Bismol can't fix?

   

Believe

Posted on Friday, March 30th, 2007

Dave!A couple of days ago, Karl had written about running across an entry by Alissa about an NPR show entitled This I Believe, where people get air-time to talk about their personal beliefs. Well, Karl went ahead and typed out what he believes, and it was a fascinating, beautiful read. I left a comment saying "I wish I had the guts to do this," and then moved on to the next site on my blogroll. It's not that I don't have the guts to write my beliefs, I'm just not comfortable sharing them on my blog.

But then last night when I was at the grocery store, something happened to change my mind.

I was walking down an aisle looking for microwave popcorn, when I spotted a Hispanic woman shopping with her two children. She was carrying her youngest child, an adorable girl with wide eyes in a cute little sun dress. Trotting along ahead of her was an equally adorable young boy wearing khakis and a bright blue button-down shirt. His hair combed, belt buckled, and shoes cleaned, he looked like he hopped out of the children's section of an Eddie Bauer catalog. As the little boy walked down the aisle, he would point out objects and speak its name in Spanish and English. "MAÍZ! MAÍZ!" he would shout, quickly followed by "CORN! CORN!" It looked to me like he was teaching his mother English, as he was constantly looking back at her as he pointed and spoke, but he could have just as easily been practicing his own English skills. Whatever he was doing, it brought a smile to my face, because he showed such enthusiasm in his never-ending task of translating everything in the store.

The moment was too good to last, of course.

Coming from the opposite direction were two skanky bitches who took great delight in giggling "UNEMPLOYMENT! UNEMPLOYMENT!" and "WELFARE! WELFARE!" as they passed.

I was immediately consumed with rage, and was about to point at them and scream "BITCH! BITCH!" and "SKANK! SKANK!" but realized that this would only bring myself down to their level, and ultimately accomplish nothing. Instead I stood there fuming as the boy, only temporarily interrupted, continued on with his efforts. "JUGO! JUGO! - JUICE! JUICE!"

It was then I realized that what I BELIEVE is that nobody should be looked down upon or thought less of because of how they look, where they come from, what they believe, or who they love. And anybody who would persecute somebody for any of these things... particularly a child... is pretty pathetic. Who knows what the future may bring? Assuming that his intellectual curiosity isn't crushed by redneck racist bitches at the grocery store, this little boy could grow up to become President of the United States one day. His potential is limited only by the confines society would choose to place upon him. Knowing this disgusts me to my very core, because I've just witnessed first-hand the adversity he will be facing every day of his life. Everything else aside, this little boy... so happy in a world full of possibilities... can be dismissed, ignored, crushed, or tossed aside based solely on his heritage, without so much as a second thought.

What a waste.

It's not that crap like this is something new to me, it's just that seeing such a vivid example of this despicable shit really puts a damper on your day.

It also makes you want to blog about what you believe, even if it is in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  52 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Tarzan

Posted on Saturday, March 31st, 2007

Dave!I've recently started re-reading the Tarzan novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Despite being a hardcore ERB fan, I avoided the Tarzan books for years because I assumed they were as crappy as the movies. I loathed the way Tarzan ran around grunting like a moron in the films, and always thought that's just the way he was. But the "real" Tarzan in the books wasn't stupid at all. It turns out he's a genius who speaks a dozen languages, runs a financial empire, AND happens to be Lord of the Jungle...

Davezan

After a while, the books get a little repetitive, but the earlier stories are brilliant.

Right now I'm trying to finish up Book #4, The Son of Tarzan, so I am going to stop blogging now...

Categories: Books, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 24

Posted on Sunday, April 1st, 2007

Dave!Bullet Sunday on April 1st? Hmmm... since Blogography is foolish 365 days a year, there doesn't seem to be much point in an April Fool's Day here.

• Happy Baker... As I sit here after a long day of work, my bread-making machine has just kicked into "baking" mode after having spent the past three hours mixing, rising, and blending the dough. As it bakes, the bread is smelling like paradise wrapped in an orgasm. I hope I can restrain the urge to stick my head in the machine before it's done.

• Super-Less... As I wrote back in December, the Superman Movie Ultimate Collector Set I bought arrived with one duplicate DVD and one missing DVD. As I also wrote, the bastards at Warner Home Video wouldn't just let me swap the duplicate... I had to return the entire set and re-order it. Well, guess what? The set has entirely sold out, and there doesn't seem to be plans to produce more of them. So now I can't order it unless I pay huge money for a second-market copy. Great. I should have just kept the bad set and purchased the one movie I was missing, which would have been infinitely cheaper than buying it now. Warner Home Video fuckers. Your customer service sucks ass, and thanks for screwing me for something that was your mistake.

• Contract-Free... Based on the rumors that Apple was coming out with a mobile phone, I didn't renew my contract with Verizon when it came due last summer. Back in January, I was rewarded when the iPhone was unveiled at MacWorld for a June release. While I wait for iPhone, Verizon is doing their best to get me to sign a new contract. At first it was just reminders. Then it was an analysis of my calling plan and offers to save money if I signed a new contract. Then it was special offers for high-end phone rebates if I signed. Now I've received an offer for a free month of service and a sweet new phone... if I sign a 2-year contract. It seems the longer I wait, the better the offers get. Well, since Verizon stupidly passed on the iPhone when they had the chance, none of this is enough to win me back. I guess the moral of the story is... unless you are needing a new phone immediately after your contract ends, you might want to wait a few months before re-signing to see what extras your carrier will offer to keep you.

• Suffer Well... I don't normally add outside content to my blog, preferring to make everything here myself. But last week I discovered something so amazing, that I just can't resist. As a side-promotion for their album Playing the Angel, Depeche Mode recreated one of their songs, Suffer Well, for a video game extension to The Sims 2 called "Open for Business." Believe it or not, the track is sung in "Simlish," which is the official nonsensical "language" of the game's characters. That alone would be great, but the video that goes along with the song is just amazing. This is an embedded YouTube movie, which may require you to click out of a feed-reader, if you are using one. To download the video direct from Depeche Mode's site, here's that link.

• Vista Activation... Unlike Apple, Microsoft does not make the hardware on which their Windows Vista OS runs. Because of this, it is understandable that they would want to stop piracy of their software, because that's all they have to make their money. But I am here to tell you... if you ever run into a problem with your Vista installation and end up needing a new activation key, you're f#@%ed. Friday morning I booted into Vista to check a website error, and received a nasty black screen telling me that a critical component of the OS was missing. Nothing I did could solve the problem, so I ended up reformatting the partition and completely reinstalling Vista. This resulted in me not being able to "activate" Vista again, because it was telling me the activation key was already in use. I couldn't use telephone re-activation for some reason, so I ended up calling support. After three telephone transfers, numerous conversations, and being put on hold a half-dozen times, I finally got my new key. Total time: FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES! That's right, an HOUR gone from my life. In the meanwhile, Vista activation has been cracked, so the only people suffering here are NOT software pirates, but legal Microsoft customers. Shouldn't it be the other way around? As if I didn't hate Windows Vista enough already... sheesh.

Vista Dead

• You Can Dance... Courtesy of Frances Danger, I've put a music-type meme in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Music 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Troubleshooting

Posted on Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Dave!Well, shit! My Verizon DSL is down at home. AGAIN.

I don't know what pisses me off more... having to waste an hour with technical support when I already know what the issue is... or eventually being told that somebody will look at it when they damn well feel like it (i.e. 24 to 48 hours). What's even worse is that my Verizon DSL account doesn't come with a backup dial-up connection, despite the fact that my local phone service, long-distance phone service, wireless, and DirecTV service are ALL handled by Verizon. That's pretty f#@%ed up.

So now I have to drive into work anytime I want to use the internet, which sucks ass.

Dave Netless Insanity

What worries me is how I start to go insane if I am disconnected from the internet for more than 30 minutes. And it's not as if I don't have anything better to do than sitting around reading blogs and stuff, it's just that my life seems so abnormal when I'm not able to go online any time I want.

Which, of course, is all the time

Crap! Now I have to drive back to work so I can post this. Having an internet addiction blows.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Passovered

Posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

Dave!I just got through beating the crap out of a vending machine so I could get the Hershey's "Take 5" candy bar I just bought, only to discover that it is stale and doesn't taste very good. I should have gone for the "Snickers" bar, because those bitches last forever.

But enough about my lunch.

Last night after I had cried for a few hours because my internet is dead, I decided to do something constructive... like wash clothes and clean out my bedroom. It was while doing the latter that I noticed that the circular polarizing filter for my camera had a nice crack running through it. The last time I used it was when I was in Italy over a year ago, and have no idea how it happened. This was depressing, because a good polarizer costs around $124, and I really don't have that kind of money to be tossing around. But the idea of life without a circular polarizing filter fills me with dread, so I decided to buy a new one anyway.

Which is really difficult right now.

Because just about all of the big camera places are closed for Passover.

This comes as a bit of a shock to people like me living in the uncivilized parts of the Pacific Northwest, where the Jewish population is close to zero. Of course I know what Passover is, having been raised Catholic and seen The Ten Commandments, but my understanding of the Jewish celebration of the holiday is limited to an episode of Sports Night I once watched. I think it has to do with drinking lots of wine, eating matzo bread, and chewing bitter herbs in remembrance of the Mel Gibson anti-semitic tirade of 2006...

Dave Seder
Anybody know where I can get a veggie shank bone?

You also get to wear those little hats and get off work for a week, which sounds good to me (even though I don't look particularly good in a yamaka because my head is shaped like a peanut).

Unfortunately, I inadvertently violated Passover rules when I had my bread machine churn out a yummy loaf of leavened bread a couple nights ago. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except I blogged about it. That makes calling in Jewish at work a risky proposition, since I'm pretty sure there are co-workers who read Blogography. Thus, no Passover for my secular ass.

I'm seriously considering drinking those four glasses of wine anyway though. It will help me to deal with my DSL connection celebrating Passover without me.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Visa

Posted on Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Dave!My DSL is back, thankfully, because I was about ready to wean myself off my internet addiction by getting addicted to something new... like hookers and cocaine. Sure it's more expensive, but maybe I can pay for the whores and blow with my credit card so I can rack up the frequent flier miles?

Two years ago I decided to stop charging anything to my credit card and pay for everything in cash or via debit card. My thinking was that this would keep me from running up debt, and force me to buy only the things I could actually afford. This was a big change from the "charge now and ask questions later" strategy I had been using for decades, and ended up being a real eye-opener as to my spending habits.

Today I was checking my frequent flier mileage balance to see what trips I would be taking later this year, and came across another eye-opening discovery... my mileage balance has been slowly shrinking. Since I used to charge absolutely everything on my airline credit card, I received a substantial amount of miles from everyday purchases. Buying a can of fruit cocktail on credit was just another step towards a free ticket.

But no more.

So last night I went back through my old credit card statements and found, to my horror, that I have been screwing myself out of thousands upon thousands of miles annually by paying with cash. As the color was draining from my face, I came to the realization that my lazy attempt at financial management had ended up costing me several hundred dollars in airfare. Had I simply decided to keep better track of my spending instead of eliminating my credit card, I would have been much better off.

So now I'm back to charging everything again, but this time I'm being careful to create a budget and control my spending. Except now my old plan, which was based on not having internet ever again, is in need of revision...

Dave Expenses

Though I don't suppose there's any harm in trying out this plan for a month or two and seeing how things go...

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Boxers

Posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Dave!Bleh.

Is there anything more sad than sitting around drinking martinis in your boxer shorts while waiting for The Office to start because you just can't get motivated to do anything else?

Including writing in your blog?

Daveboxers

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  39 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Punk'd

Posted on Friday, April 6th, 2007

Dave!As I was walking to my car this morning, I very nearly stepped in a pile of dog shit. The close call was made even more strange when I got to my car and saw that a dog was across the parking lot staring at me. I can only guess that he was the perpetrator, and was undoubtedly disappointed that I hadn't stepped into his trap. If he had a video camera, I'd say it's like an episode of "Doggy Punk'd" or something. More likely that he was just bored, and this is what he does for laughs.

Except now he knows what car I drive, so I can only imagine where he will choose to take a crap next. If I find a steaming pile on the hood of my car tomorrow, I'm going to hunt down that dog and shove it back up his ass. Who will be laughing then?

Dave Doggy Punk'd

And speaking of putting shit back in the dog...

I just saw the single worst movie ever: National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, and am trying to figure out why in the hell National Lampoon would put their name on such a bad, BAD film. The terrible story and acting would have been forgivable... except IT WASN'T FUNNY!! And isn't that what National Lampoon is all about? Rotten Tomatoes has listed an aggregated review score of 0%, AND lists it as #7 on the "100 Worst-Reviewed Films of All Time," so why in the heck would they ever release it on DVD? Far better to lock this piece of shit in a vault and drop it to the bottom of the ocean than to tarnish the National Lampoon name! They may not be as respected now as in their Animal House days, but there's no reason to flush their reputation down the toilet entirely...

Golddiggerssucks

You know a film is bad when it features ultra-hot Nikki Ziering topless, and I still can't find anything good to say about it.

   

Glorious

Posted on Saturday, April 7th, 2007

Dave!I have yet to figure out why I am chronically unlucky when it comes to driving karma.

You can bet your ass that if there is a dumbass on the road, he'll be in my immediate vicinity. If there is a traffic accident, it will happen right in front of me. If there is road construction closing down a lane, I'll be the one they make stop and wait. If a 90-year-old woman is out for a Sunday drive, I'll be the one stuck behind her. When it comes to being delayed, interrupted, stopped, or cut-off, I'm the guy who is going to be selected by the driving gods to get shafted.

And it's always when I'm in a hurry.

Today I had to run home really quick before I left for the movies. Naturally, a train decided to pass right as I got to the crossing...

Stopped for a Train

Once I finally got past the crossing, a fruit truck going 15 miles under the speed limit pulls out in front of me...

Stopped for a Fruit Truck

After I got home, dropped my stuff, and finally made it out to the highway, a State Patrol car decided to pull out as well, which meant speeding to the theater to make up for lost time wasn't an option (forgive me for not including a photo, but something tells me that the State Patrol frowns upon taking photos from a moving car going 60mph on the highway... especially when it's the driver doing the photography).

Typical.

But somehow I made it to the movie on time, which is where I got to watch the greatest film released in recent memory, BLADES OF GLORY!

Blades of Glory

Forget 300, Last King of Scotland, The Queen, Zodiac, Blood Diamond, and even Ghost Rider, THIS is the movie which will stand the test of time! I'd put it right up there with The Godfather and The Terminator in terms of greatness!

Okay, maybe not. But it was a lot of fun, and much better than I expected...

Monkey of Glory

I just can't figure out why nobody has thought of building a comedy around double-men pairs skating before. It's a brilliant concept. Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, and Craig T. Nelson were all perfectly cast in their roles... but I'd have to say that it's Jenna Fischer who will end up with an Oscar nomination out of this film. She has a lingerie scene which will have people completely forgetting her mousy "Pam" character from The Office. Who knew?

Bring on Spider-Man 3.

   

Bullet Sunday 25

Posted on Sunday, April 8th, 2007

Dave!Make a joyful noise for Bullet Sunday has risen!

• Easter... I gave up celebrating Easter around the same time I gave up being Catholic (almost 20 years ago now!) but still love the holiday for one very good reason: the candy. I absolutely love Easter candy. From having my teeth shiver as I bite into the sweetness that is a Cadbury Chocolate Cream Egg... to getting some of my favorite candies in egg shapes and pastel colors... Easter is a candy-lover's dream come true. In many ways, I'm thinking it even eclipses Halloween in terms of confectionary importance to me now...

Dave Easter Chocolate
Nothing wrong with getting a little tail on Easter.

Which is probably why I'm choosing to celebrate the holiday by lapsing into a chocolate coma.

• Voicemail... ABC Television has an amazing new video player on their site which, get this, IS MACINTOSH COMPATIBLE!! As if that weren't cool enough, you can watch full episodes of sweet ABC shows like Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. But here's the best thing... they have an original online series called Voicemail that's priceless...

Voicemail
Mike is a character that just about any guy can relate to at some point in their lives.

For best effect, you'll want to go to ABC.com and choose their New Video Player. But you can also access the webisodes in the old Flash player format from the Voicemail web site (which is also funny). This is one of those rare online series that is actually worth your valuable time. I hope they sell the episodes at iTunes after the first "season" is over, because I would gladly pay money to have this show saved on iTunes for a rainy day when I need a laugh.

Of course, this being ABC, they will undoubtedly cancel it half-way through the current season and we'll never see it again. It's what they do.

• Three... There is no bullet point three. Move along.

• Flash!... Ever since seeing Blades of Glory, I've had Queen's brilliant Flash Gordon Theme playing in my head. Depiste the poor reviews, I always liked the 1980 Flash Gordon film... largely due to the funky visuals, excellent film score by Queen, and the sweet hotness of Melody Anderson. I bought the soundtrack album long ago on vinyl (long since lost) but lucky for me it's available at the iTunes Music store. Sweet! I also note that one of my favorite videos, Radio Ga Ga, is also available. The song has never been one of my favorites, but the epic dream-like quality of the video is a winner...

Queen Radio Ga Ga
Freddie looking fierce, fabulous, and very gay wearing leather pants, feathers, and a sash.

• Extracurricular... Why is it that every time I turn around, there's another teacher being busted for sleeping with their under-aged students? And, even more importantly, why wasn't this part of the educational curriculum when I was in school? Granted, there were very few of my teachers I would have wanted to sleep with, but I can think of one or two that I'd have gladly let tutor me in some after-school sessions. Just think of the embarrassment that could have been avoided in fumbling to remove that first bra had a teacher been kind enough to show me how it's done! That being said, you would think that the penalty for violating the trust of parents who put their kids in a teacher's care like this would be death. Of course, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that somebody finds underage girls and boys to be sexually attractive, so maybe I'm just biased.

And, on that note, I must now have jellybeans. JELLYBEANS I SAY!!

   

Conduct

Posted on Monday, April 9th, 2007

Dave!Today the blogosphere is abuzz over Tim O' Reilly's well-meaning but entirely insane proposal for bloggers to adopt a "Code of Conduct." The New York Times was all too happy to jump on the bandwagon by running a page-one story entitled "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs." This could have been an interesting piece, but once I read the opening line ("Is it too late to bring civility to the Web?") I was laughing too hard to pay much attention.

Now, before I dig in, let me state that I am giving the benefit of doubt that Tim O' Reilly's heart is in the right place here. I understand he is trying to do a good thing. Who wouldn't want to make the blogosphere a better, safer place after the disturbing events surrounding the Kathy Sierra incident? Some of the stuff that goes on in our "world" is hurtful, hateful, and just plain sick. Wanting to address these horrors is only human.

But no thank you.

I'm not signing up for anything that tells me what I can say, how I should run my blog, and how I should react to other people's blogs. If anybody cares why I feel this way, I've address Mr. O'Reilly's six bullet-points in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Movied

Posted on Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Dave!Yeesh. Another night of writing my entry just as midnight approaches. I guess that's what happens when you are slaving away morning noon and night to get caught up with work.

I suppose there are lots of things I could write about, but it's late, so I think I'll just grab that movie meme that's been floating around. Kevin has done is now, so I guess I pretty much have to...

  • Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times. Wow. Many, many of my favorite films have been seen at least 10 times. Here's a few from memory... Aliens, Back to the Future 1 & 2, Bedazzled, Beverly Hills Cop, The Birdcage, Buckaroo Banzai, Chasing Amy, Clerks, Coming to America, Commando, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Field of Dreams, The Fifth Element, Groundhog Day, The Matrix, Office Space, Real Genius, Remo Williams, Sneakers, South Park: Bigger-Longer-Uncut, Star Trek II & IV, Star Wars, Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, The Terminator, Terminator 2, This is Spinal Tap, True Lies, and Undercover Blues.
  • Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater. Recently that would be Clerks 2 and Casino Royale. My personal record would probably be The Matrix, which I believe I've seen in a theater 6 times.
  • Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie. Elizabeth Hurley.
  • Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie. David Caruso.
  • Name a movie that you can and do quote from. So many. I'm pretty good with Buckaroo Banzai quotes.
  • Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. I don't do musicals. Though I liked the soundtrack from Xanadu back in the day, so maybe that one. Or Grease maybe?
  • Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with. Uh. None that I know of.
  • Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see. Undercover Blues, which is one of my favorite movies that people are always overlooking.
  • Name a movie that you own. I own many, many films.
  • Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. Elizabeth Hurley is an obvious choice.
  • Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? When I was a kid, this was a popular summer pass-time, so I'm sure there are many. I do remember seeing the original Star Wars for the third time at the drive-in.
  • Ever made out in a movie? Sure.
  • Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it. Talladega Nights.
  • Ever walked out of a movie? Born American, which made me embarrassed to be American. It's the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater (though I very nearly walked out on Spanglish, which was almost as bad).
  • Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Dirty Dancing, but only because I was drunk and had gotten some really bad news earlier in the evening.
  • What's the last movie you saw in the theater? The most excellent Blades of Glory.
  • What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie? Action/Adventure is probably at the top.
  • What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? Herbie the Love Bug.
  • What movie do you wish you had never seen? Recently? The horrendously bad National Lampoon's Gold Diggers. Wretched, awful stuff.
  • What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? Being John Malkovich is probably an easy pick for this one.
  • What is the scariest movie you've seen? Movies don't scare me much like they used to... back in the day, I was terrified from watching the original Alien.
  • What is the funniest movie you've seen? Gee, have no idea... Basketball, Stripes, or The Birdcage maybe? Eurotrip always makes me laugh.
  • Oog. Time for bed. But before I go, I was pleased to see that the plans for the first "Hard Rock Park" in Myrtle Beach have finally been released. It's looking pretty sweet, and bigger than I had thought it would be...

    Hard Rock Park

    Hard Rock Park

    The juicy details can be found at Myrtle Beach Online (which is where I snagged these photos). I guess that will be one more property to add to my list when it opens in 2008.

       

    Fellow

    Posted on Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

    Dave!Finally. Finally the praise and recognition I so richly deserve has started to come my way. It may have taken a bit longer than I expected, but my plan for world domination has been set in motion at long last. As more and more people celebrate my greatness, my influence will grow and my destiny to rule the earth will finally be realized.

    Today I was bestowed the great privilege of becoming a "Paul Harris Fellow" by the local chapter of Rotary International. It was awarded me in recognition of service to Rotary and the local community, which is a real honor. I got a medal and a certificate and everything...

    Davepaulharrisfellow

    I'm thinking I'm just going to wear my medal constantly so everybody will know how great I am. It's not like I do things for the community to win prizes and get medals but, so long as they're giving me one, I might as well take advantage of it.

    To celebrate, I went to dinner with my mom at Applebee's.

    I had the Tuscan Cheese Spread appetizer as an entree, which tasted so good it was like a full-body massage, complete with a happy ending...

    Tuscancheesespread

    You get grilled ciabatta bread slices that you top with warm, gooey Italian cheese and a tomato-garlic salad. It's pretty amazing, especially if you like garlic. I wanted very much to spread it all over my waitress and have a party, but I try not to do inappropriate things like this when my mother's around.

    I guess I'll have to save that idea for another time.

    I wonder if you face jail-time for spreading hot cheese on a waitress?

    I suppose it all depends on how big a tip you have leave.

    And if you're wearing a medal or not, of course.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Pepperoni

    Posted on Thursday, April 12th, 2007

    Dave!F#@%ING VERIZON DSL PIECE OF SHIT!

    For the third time in two weeks, my DSL is down and, as if that wasn't frustrating enough, calling Verizon tech support results in a recording that directs you to their website before you get to any menus. IF YOU ARE CALLING FOR SUPPORT BECAUSE YOUR INTERNET IS DOWN, HOW IN THE F#@% ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO THEIR WEBSITE?!? Who is the genius who came up with this logic? Once I do finally get through, another recording tells me that Verizon is aware of the problems in the 509 area code, and it should be resolved in 24 hours.

    TWENTY-FOUR F#@%ING HOURS? WTF?!?

    Yesterday as I was writing my daily blog entry, it was announced that sublime novelist Kurt Vonnegut had died. As a huge fan of his work, I was sad to hear this. I've learned so much from his writing, and had thought it would be swell to write a nice long entry about him. I started a few times, but couldn't find the words to adequately express how much he meant to me. In the end, I kept coming back to a quote of his that just about says it all...

    "I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center".

    Indeed.

    So it goes... rest in peace Kurt Vonnegut. Time for me to read Slaughterhouse-Five again.

    Dave and Avitable

    And speaking of utter brilliance, I ran across this "Interview Me" meme on Avitable's blog. Unfortunately, I don't have time to interview anybody, and had to pass on the fun. But Avi, bless his heart, was nice enough to send me his five interview questions anyway...

    1. Out of all of your travels, what is the most interesting place you have been to and why? This is a really difficult question to answer, because I have been lucky enough to see so many amazing places. Ultimately, I'd have to say that Thailand was the most interesting, because my trip there changed my life. It was Thailand that taught me what was important in life, and introduced me to the Buddhist precepts which helped me find my path.
    2. What do you do for a living? You don't have to give identifying specifics, just what it is that you do all day long. I'm a graphic designer, and I pretty much do whatever people are willing to pay me to do (I am such a whore!). I design advertising, brochures, web sites, catalogs, pamphlets, packaging, product instructions, clothing tags, book covers, album covers, media kiosks, and bunches of other stuff. People also hire me to create drawings, illustrations, maps, 3-D models, animation, and other creative endeavors like retouching or editing photos. From time to time I also edit and assemble video footage, design DVD menu screens, and write musical scores for them. In the past I have been lucky enough to work on storyboards for films, illustrations for comic books, character design for video games, and other cool stuff. Pretty much anything and everything.
    3. If you had a chance to hook up with Elizabeth Hurley or save four orphans in a burning building, which would you choose? Well, Elizabeth Hurley is married now, so hooking up wouldn't be a very nice thing to do. I think I'd save the orphans so that Elizabeth Hurley would hear about my story, be impressed with my bravery, divorce her husband, then hook up with me.
    4. What was your favorite meat when you did eat meat? Do you ever miss it? Pepperoni. There is simply no vegetarian equivalent that is worth a crap. Even worse, the fake stuff doesn't crisp up like a nice thin piece of real pepperoni on a slice of pizza does. A delightfully delicious piece of authentic 100% USDA beef pepperoni. An orgasm-inducing, mouthwatering, finger-licking, lip-smacking, slice of sublime pepperoni. Do I miss it? Nah, not so much...
    5. What is your philosophy on life? Forgive me for once again quoting Buckaroo Banzai here, but this is what I come back to again and again when trying to summarize my philosophy on life: "No matter where you go, there you are." What this says to me is to accept things for what they are rather than trying to make them into something they aren't. Wonderful in its simplicity, really.

    Excellent questions Mr Avitable! I'm breaking the rules by not inviting people to be interviewed by me, but you can go get in line behind the 75+ people awaiting questions from Avi.

    And tomorrow, I'm back to Seattle. But first I'm off to work so I can post this entry.

    UPDATE: Well that's odd. Just as I was getting ready to head out, the internet came back on. Bizarre.

       

    Thong

    Posted on Friday, April 13th, 2007

    Dave!I am wearing a thong and am entirely too drukn to blog.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Kibble

    Posted on Saturday, April 14th, 2007

    Dave!Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks. I actually did realize that I had misspelled "drunk" as "drukn" in last night's entry. But instead of posting an edit, I accidentally posted a duplicate copy. After I realized that I had made two entries, I went to delete the one with the misspelling, but accidentally deleted the one that was corrected instead.

    Okay, I guess that actually is as bad as it looks.

    But what's surprising here is not my drunken behavior. It's the fact that everybody in the comments wants to see a picture of me wearing a thong. I'm guessing this would not have been the case had I mentioned is was a ladies thong. Naturally, this being the age of digital cameras and such, photos were taken...

    Dave Thong

    And yes, I was wearing the thong over my jeans because, even in a drunken state, I realize that nobody wants to actually see a guy wearing a ladies thong. It's not even remotely "cute" because your junk would be all hanging out...

    Dave Thong

    Now, had it been a mens thong with a proper pouch for my kibble and bits, then I probably would have taken my jeans off first.

    I'm classy like that.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 26

    Posted on Sunday, April 15th, 2007

    Dave!I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm irritable. And it's time for Bullet Sunday!

    • Driven. You're driving back from the Seattle over the mountain pass with your iPod set on shuffle and piped into the stereo. Suddenly the rain stops and the sun starts to come out. Everything is fresh and green and the air smells as if the world is brand new. Then Etta James' beautiful voice comes over the speakers singing At Last, and suddenly you realize that you're glad to be alive. For a few minutes anyway. Then some moron pulls in front of you going 10 mph under the speed limit and you're stuck behind them for 20 minutes wanting crash into their stupid ass... not even caring if you survive, just so long as they die in a ball of fire. Isn't it strange how life can turn on a dime like that?

    • Panera. I took a photo of my most favorite sandwich at Panera Bread yesterday. Behold the glory that is The Mediterranean...

    Panera Bread

    I wish I had another one right now, because the only thing I have to eat here at home is chocolate pudding.

    • Leopard. Apple announced that the next version of OS X, code-name Leopard, has been delayed four months, moving to an October release date. This is a bit of a shame, but better late than Vista. At least I'll have my iPhone to keep me occupied come summertime...

    Daveleopard

    • Repaired. Finally scraped the money together to have Saturn repair all the damage that Midas did to my car when they "fixed" it last. Sure I'm poor now, but at least I don't have to stare at that stupid "Service Engine Soon" light anymore. Not having my car backfire when I turn the engine off is pretty sweet too. If only Saturn would have installed rocket launchers and a flame-thrower, the ride home wouldn't have been quite so bad.

    Now it's time for dinner. Looks like it's going to be chocolate pudding and a can of 7-Up tonight.

       

    Spider

    Posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007

    Dave!It's the time of year when little critters that belong outside start waking up and finding their way inside.

    As I was unpacking my suitcase I noticed a small spider skittering away. I felt bad for the little guy, as he was obviously quite lost and, if he hitched a ride from Seattle, far from home. Yet, as sorry as I was feeling, I was not quite ready to have him as a roommate. The quick and easy solution to my problem was to grab something heavy and smash him. But that always seems so senseless and cruel. It's not like he knows any better, and it hardly seems fair to kill him because he isn't aware he's trespassing...

    Spider Roommate

    So I do what I always do... try to take him back outside.

    But first I had to find him. This involved ten minutes of tearing apart my bedroom and chasing the fastest spider on earth. But eventually I managed to catch him under a glass and slide a card beneath. Once caught, he didn't put up much of a struggle, and sat there motionless on the card awaiting his fate.

    Which was to be put on a nice shrub just outside the building where, hopefully, he'll be happy.

    In a world where it is increasingly more common to kill a life than save it... where it's far easier to destroy something than to create it... it's the little things like this that help me feel better about my place in the grand scheme of things.

    Even though a bird probably flew in and ate my spider two minutes after I set him outside.

    I prefer to think that he spun up a nice web and is even now picking out wallpaper and curtains for his new home.

       

    Indirectly

    Posted on Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

    Dave!Oooh. Hate-comment of the day... "You are just another turd in the blog toilet clogging up Google with shit!" At first I thought that my Farrah-hating comment stalker was back, but a quick check of my stats shows a different IP address. So then I took a look through my search referral log and see that this person found me from a Google search for "ann coulter shaved porn." Such is the peril of having your blog archives indexed by Google, I guess.

    I'd be upset, but I'm too freaked out at the idea that anybody would want to see Ann Coulter doing porn... shaved or otherwise. Just typing the phrase "ann coulter shaved porn" is enough to make me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

    Even though this particular comment can't be taken seriously, I do get criticism from time to time over my apparent refusal to say anything of substance here, and for clogging up the blogosphere with my senseless crap. I draw funny cartoons and talk about wacky stuff, but any serious discussion is notably absent (except on rare occasions). My response has always been that I deal with enough serious crap all day long that I don't feel like dealing with it all over again in my blog. And that's pretty much the truth. Naturally I have my opinions on subjects like Don Imus, President Bush, Global Warming, Stem Cell Research, Knut the Bear, and all the rest... but blogging specifically about that stuff is simply not something I'm interested in. There are many, many other blogs out there who are happy to mix it up, I just don't happen to be one of them.

    But to say that I don't put my 2¢ in on current events is not quite true, because many times I actually do so... just indirectly.

    For example, my entry yesterday about the spider in my suitcase was written around 1:00am. I couldn't sleep, and decided to write out a blog entry in the hopes that my mind would relax and I could go back to bed. Even though it had just become Monday, I decided not to post it right away, and tried to get more sleep. Fast forward to my lunch hour where I am checking the news, and the Virginia Tech Massacre story is all over the place. Deeply saddened by yet another case of senseless violence in an increasingly senseless world, I added the following paragraph to the entry I had written earlier that morning...

    "In a world where it is increasingly more common to kill a life than save it... where it's far easier to destroy something than to create it... it's the little things like this that help me feel better about my place in the grand scheme of things."

    This was an indirect response to the news coming out of Virginia, even though most people probably didn't realize it as such.

    And, to quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

    Of course, now my blog is going to rocket to the top of the Google charts for people who can't get enough Ann Coulter shaved porn. I'd address that indirectly by talking about a television program I once saw about pubic lice, but something tells me this would just confuse the issue further.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Educated

    Posted on Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

    Dave!Today I received probably the strangest phone call in my life.

    Well, there was that time Bad Robert called to ask me if I knew how to get baby oil stains out of a fabric car seat, but this one was pretty strange.

    My friend Natsuki called because a plumber couldn't understand her. Never mind that she speaks perfect English, the guy she hired to install a sink claimed he didn't know what she was saying. Natsuki was calling to ask if she could explain what she wanted to me, then have me explain it to the guy. Bewildered as to how this could possibly be happening, I agreed. After I had gone over everything with the plumber, he thanked me and then added "I wish these people would get educated before they move here."

    Needless to say, I came unglued.

    "Oh really?" I replied. "Natsuki not only holds a design degree, she also speaks Japanese, Chinese, French, and English... how many f#@%ing languages do YOU speak? Maybe YOU'RE the one who needs to be educated in how to listen to people!"

    Seriously, WTF? I understand that some people have difficulty understanding an accent, but that wasn't the problem here. Natsuki's English is perfectly understandable, and there was no reason at all for a comment like that... the plumber was just being a lazy asshole who apparently has a problem with foreigners... or women... or, more likely, both. I'd bet serious money that if the plumber ever went to Japan, he wouldn't bother to learn a word of Japanese first.

    Jerk.

    My day was made better when I got home and saw a television ad for Dancing & Singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man!!"

    Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man

    Probably one of the cutest toys ever. He can really dance! Bust a move, Spidey...

    Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man

    Somebody I know needs to have a baby so I can have an excuse to go buy one (then play with it before I give it to them).

    This is one of those things where I'm going to get drunk one day and order it off Amazon or something.

    At least that's the excuse I use when people catch me playing with my Star Trek Barbie & Ken dolls...

    Dave Star Trek Barbie

    Beam me up, Scotty... I want off this planet.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Dave Approved: Puzzle Quest

    Posted on Thursday, April 19th, 2007

    Dave!Most people are probably familiar with the matching game Bejeweled in one form or another. You swap two similar pieces on a board in an effort to build chains of three or more so that they'll disappear and more pieces will fall to fill in the holes. It's a great game that I've played many, many times... not only as Bejeweled, but as Zoo Keeper, Diamond Mine, and an assortment of other clones. The problem is that it gets boring after a while, because the game doesn't change... it's just more of the same, forever!

    Enter a new game for the Nintendo DS called Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords. Yes, it's based on the same tile-swapping game-play as Bejeweled, but they added so many new layers to the concept, that it really feels like something altogether different...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Each of the items you remove from the board adds something to the game play. Colored tiles add to your magical mana, which you use to cast spells during battle. Gold gives you money to buy things like armor and weapons, or build a citadel. Stars give you experience points to gain experience levels and learn new abilities. Skulls cause damage to your opponent. It's all very cool how they managed to merge puzzles and role-playing into something that's so much fun to play. You can even battle another player over Nintendo DS Wirless, if you both have a cartridge...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Unlike Bejeweled, which gets boring because there's no real goal, Puzzle Quest keeps you interested. You're always wanting to get more gold so you can add a dungeon to your citadel... or buy some new armor for protection. You're always wanting to get more experience so you can learn new spells and get stronger. You're always wanting to win battles so you can open up more of the map and move on to new challenges. Every choice you make actually means something, and moves you forward in the game's story...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Beautifully rendered, highly entertaining, and incredibly addictive, Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords gets my highest possible recommendation. I shudder to think how much time I'll be wasting playing it.

    Categories: Dave ApprovedClick To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    CS3

    Posted on Friday, April 20th, 2007

    Dave!Now, before I go all crazy here, let me just preface this entry by saying that, for the most part, I love Adobe products. I have been using them from the very, very beginning, and simply could not do the work I do without them. Not only that, but I love Adobe as a company as well... they continue to support the Macintosh platform with day-and-date releases with Windows, and that goes a long way towards winning my heart.

    That being said, Adobe's latest version 3 release of their amazing Creative Suite of products (which includes such giants as Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, Flash, Acrobat, InDesign, and more... depending on the bundle version) has pissed me off greatly.

    I go to install the shit, wait fifteen minutes for everything to load up, then am immediately greeted with a notice that my serial number for CS2 isn't authorized to upgrade to CS3, even though I purchased the proper upgrade. WTF?!? Yet another case of loyal, paying customers getting shit on by software companies under the guise of "combatting software piracy." Except everybody knows that software pirates ALWAYS end up getting around this crap, so it's only legal customers who end up getting fucked.

    This means I have to call Adobe Customer Service, get put on hold for 15 minutes (with crap "music"), then have to wait another ten minutes while they verify my upgrade is valid. Then I have to offer up a "verification code" and get a "response code" so that my software can be authorized. What a fucking joke.

    And, of course, I can't use the same response code for my second authorized laptop install this morning... I have to call and go through the entire ordeal again over a shitty phone line connection to India (or wherever) that I can barely hear anything on.

    Fuck you very much Adobe.

    Even though your customer service agents where incredibly nice and a pleasure to speak with.

    Anyway, now that the crap is installed, it's time to start bitching! Though not right away, because the first thing I notice is the new icon set Adobe is using. Great icons? No. But they are a huge, massively huge, improvement over the incomprehensible artsy shit we got in CS1 and CS2 (which I wrote about here). For starters, you CAN ACTUALLY TELL WHAT THE ICONS ARE REPRESENTING NOW...

    Adobe Icons 2007

    As for the rest of my initial Adobe Creative Suite 3 impressions, I've dropped everything in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Morning

    Posted on Saturday, April 21st, 2007

    Dave!I am not a morning person.

    Even though I get up before sunrise, my daily routine is such that I'm not good for much during the early hours. Most of the time I'll just grab my laptop and either read blogs or work for a bit until I am motivated to get out of bed. Usually this is dictated by my need to pee, but sometimes it's because the phone will ring or some other disturbance. In any event, asking me to do anything at 4:30 in the morning is a pretty bad idea. But Jessica over at Daughter of Opinion has asked people to take a photo of themselves when they first wake up in the morning, and she's pretty hard to refuse anything.

    So last night before bed, I put my camera on my night-stand on top of my glasses so I would not forget. Here is the terrifying result...

    Sleepy Dave

    Since it's still dark when I get up, I just turned on my desk lamp and snapped the photo. It's a bit off-center, but considering I am practically blind without my glasses, I feel lucky my head is even in the shot at all.

    I find it interesting to note that Jessica looks like she just walked off the set of America's Next Top Model in her photo, which is why I suppose she came up with the idea for this meme in the first place. If I looked that good first thing in the morning, I'd want people to know about it too.

    Though, to be honest, I would probably be a lot more crass about it than she is. I'd use it as a pick-up line or something... "Hey baby, I look totally hot in the mornings. But don't take my word for it, why don't you come back to my place so you can wake up and see for yourself... heh, heh, heh."

    Men are such pigs.

    I suppose I shouldn't complain too much about my photo... I'm just happy that there's not a welt on my face anymore.

    Yesterday I was driving down the road while messing with my seat-belt. I needed both hands to turn a corner, so I let go of the belt only to have it slip out of the restraining loop and smack me in the face. Hard. It left a nice red mark that was still there when I went to bed last night.

    Nothing quite like being bitch-slapped by life after a hard day at work.

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 27

    Posted on Sunday, April 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Hey, it's Bullet Sunday on Earth Day! A time when eco-minded individuals can feel guilty about the damage we are doing to our planet, then forget it about it again until next year!

    • Veggie... As of today, I have been a vegetarian for 19 years. I had toyed with the idea off-and-on for a few years before committing, but it took dating a vegetarian for the diet to stick (which was on Earth Day 1988... a pity we broke up three months later). About the only thing I really miss is pepperoni, for which there is no good veggie substitute. They make fake "veggie meat" for everything else that tastes okay... but the pepperoni always tastes like a crime against nature, and never crisps up properly on a pizza.

    • Married... Speaking of crimes against nature... first the most beautiful woman on earth gets married, now the second most beautiful woman on earth has gotten married too. Bollywood actress hottie Aishwarya Rai joins the massive list of "Women Dave Lusts Over That Got Married So They Have An Excuse Not To Date Him If They Ever Found Out He Even Exists." What can I say, my life is tragedy...

    Aishwarya Rai

    • Discovery... One of the most fascinating television series ever to air on television is Discovery Chanel's Planet Earth. Astoundingly beautiful and thought-provoking in every way, it is essential viewing for all of humanity so we can better understand what a truly remarkable planet we live on. I started watching the show when it began back in March, and today they are airing the final two episodes. I haven't been motivated to get an HD-DVD or Blu-Ray player, but the hi-def release of this series has motivated me to finally start looking into buying one. The brilliant footage they got for the show deserves to be displayed with the best possible picture quality...

    Planet Earth

    • DaveToon... Whenever I think of the earth, I remember a DaveToon I drew a year ago that explains quite a lot about why I am the way I am. Even on Earth Day, I'm an egotistical, self-centered bastard...

    Dave Universe
    Yes, the world really does revolve around me.

    • Saturday Night... "Sunday is Earth Day. Suck it, Neptune!" — Amy Pohler, SNL.

    And that's a wrap. This is going to be an interesting week here at Blogography...

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV… DAY ONE!

    Posted on Monday, April 23rd, 2007

    Dave!Well take a look at what we have here... it's my four-year blogiversary!

    And if you had told me back at the beginning that I'd still be writing in Blogography... daily, no less... four years hence, I'd have thought you were insane (and then probably killed you because that kind of crazy just shouldn't be wandering the streets). After all, I had two failed blogs under my belt from the previous three years, and there was no indication that Blogography was going to be any different. The only change was that if Blogography didn't work out, it was going to be three strikes and I was done.

    But here I am, still writing my daily dose of incomprehensible crap.

    Year One was a mess, filled mostly with memes and boring stuff that I should have deleted long ago. Year Two was when I finally got my shit together and my blog was everything I wanted it to be... "the golden years," if you will. Year Three was the hardest, with too many bumps in the road and crazy crap that had me contemplating shutting Blogography down. And here we are at Year Four, and the blogging habit is such a big part of my life that I can't see an end to it. So it must be time to celebrate...

    Blogography Blogiversary IV

    Yes indeed, this time the shit is very personal, as you will find out during this week-long party that has been five months in the making. Just like previous years, there will be hundreds of dollars worth of prizes to win and good times along the way, but there are going to be some changes as well...

    • Each of the four prize days will symbolize one year of Blogography, and I'll be writing up a summary of each year along with some choice links for exploring my blogging past.
    • Just like last year, to be eligible for the Grand Prize drawing you'll have to correctly answer some trivia questions, but this time the answers will be in the summary links, so you won't have to spend hours searching... this is supposed to be fun, not work!
    • I have re-worked the prizes to be more "foreign friendly." Readers outside the USA now comprise half my regular readership, and last year there were people who didn't enter because shipping charges to foreign addresses was not included and the cost was prohibitive. That's not the case this year, and I've done my best to make sure everybody can play.
    • With that in mind, the prizes this year mean a great deal to me because they're mine.
    • The week culminates with the official grand re-opening of the Artificial Duck Store... and this time it's a real store with a proper shopping cart, inventory status, and such. Hopefully this will eliminate (or greatly reduce) the number of orders which cannot be filled because of out-of-stock merchandise. And that's a good thing, because there will be a lot more of it!

    The schedule of events looks something like this...

    Blogography Blogiversary IV

    Oh yeah. You might want to tune in every day, because it will undoubtedly be worth your while. :-)

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY TWO

    Posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Every year I release a new T-shirt to celebrate my blogiversary. First there was the classic Blogography Logo T, then came the Bad Monkey T, and lastly was the infamous Zombies Ate My Brain T (chosen by YOU, my loyal Blogography readers in last year's contest). Well, this year I came up with 32 different design ideas, and couldn't make up my mind which one to print. So I went to dinner with a group of friends, and we managed to narrow it down to a mere 7.

    Since everybody did such a great job of picking a design last year, I'm going to put it up for a vote again this year.

    And, to make it worth your while, everybody who votes will be getting a coupon for $10 OFF any Artificial Duck Co. Store T-Shirt purchase!

    Dave Ten Dollar

    That means you can pick up a classic white shirt for just $5 (+ shipping)... or one of the new color shirts for just $7 (+shipping)*. And these ain't no crappy iron-on designs... no way! Each shirt is custom silk-screened on premium quality 100% cotton shirts for the ultimate in comfort and durability!

    And, just because I love you, FIVE VOTERS will be put in a drawing to get a shirt ABSOLUTELY FREE... all you pay is the shipping charges!

    It's almost too good to be true! So how do you vote? It's easy!

    1. Take a look at each design below and decide which TWO shirts you like best.
    2. Send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! with your TWO votes... be sure to use a valid email address to send your vote so you can get your coupon!
    3. But HURRY... your vote must be received by Saturday, April 28th at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time).

    And here's this year's choices... you're voting for the TWO designs you like best...

    Bad Monkey
    VOTE: Bad Monkey (on yellow)

    Dave Pope
    VOTE: Dave Pope (on teal)

    Toxic Yawn
    VOTE: Toxic Yawn (on green)

    Smoking Monkeys
    VOTE: Smoking Monkeys (on blue)

    Try Evil
    VOTE: Try Evil (on black)

    Little Geeky
    VOTE: Little Geeky (on olive)

    Blogography
    VOTE: Blogography (on slate)

    Please be sure to follow the rules listed above to vote, and may the best design win!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR ONE: 04/03-03/04
       
    Dave writes his very first snarky rant about 6 extra grams of fat on some daft bitch's lazy ass.
    Dave first declares his love for Elizabeth Hurley.
    Dave writes his first travel-blog on a trip to Iceland and Stockholm.
    Dave rips apart a totally incompetent review of Kill Bill by James Berardinelli at "ReelViews."
    Dave writes about a trip to New Orleans, pre-Katrina... one of his favorite cities.
    Dave draws his very first DaveToon, featuring the first appearance of Bad Monkey on Blogography.
    Dave writes that infamous entry about hating clowns which spawns his first hate-mail avalanche.
    Dave writes about lame internet quizzes, and then makes up his own lame internet quiz ideas.
    Dave finally writes about something personal, which turns out to be a fairly rare event.
    Dave draws a DaveToon about brushing his teeth, which is still one of Blogography most popular links.

    *PLEASE NOTE: Shirts will be printed in early June once all the pre-orders have been taken through the month of May. The prices listed above are for sizes S-XL. Larger sizes are available for an extra charge: 2XL is $1.00 extra, 3XL is $2.00 extra. Sizes bigger than 2X are not available in colors, but I'll be happy to print any design on a white shirt: 4XL is $3.00 extra, 5XL is $4.00 extra, 6XL is $5.00 extra.

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY THREE

    Posted on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Everybody loves little 1-inch button pins! Especially when they have really cool stuff on them. I originally invested in pricey professional button-making equipment for a charity fundraising event. Eventually it occurred to me that it might be cool to make buttons for my blog and pass them out at blogger meet-ups and stuff. When TequilaCon came around, I took some Blogography pins, some custom pins for bloggers I knew, and a big bag of 60 "generic" designs so everybody else could have pins to trade. By the end of the night all my pins were gone, and everybody seemed to have fun with them.

    So I decided to add pins to the Artificial Duck Store for sale in ready-to-buy sets or pick-and-choose sets that customers can assemble themselves. There will also be the option for bloggers to send in their own artwork and have custom pins made. It's button fun for everyone, and I call them DuckyButtons...

    Dave Buttons!

    In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature button prizes...

    TODAY'S $150+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
       
    B3 Shirt$50 Amazon Gift Certificate ($50 value). Rather than shipping heavy books, region-specific DVDs, or CDs that get ripped and tossed in a landfill, I've decided to pass out Amazon Gift Certificates. This means prize-winners can get whatever they like and, since Amazon is available in several countries around the globe, it's a prize most everybody can enjoy (even if the US dollar doesn't buy as much as it used to).
       
    B3 ShirtSix Sets of DuckyButtons ($24 value). Pick any six sets you like, or create your own 5-button sets. DuckyButtons are sure to bring a smile to your face... or to anybody else's you meet when you wear them. And since you're getting 30 buttons, that's a month's worth of sweet wearable art to wear and share!
       
    B3 ShirtTwenty-Five Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($25 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 25 beautiful custom buttons of your very own! Use them to promote your blog, impress your friends, or distribute wearable pictures of your cat... so long as it isn't copyrighted, we'll make buttons from whatever you want!
       
    B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
       
    B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

    And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

    TODAY'S $40+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
       
    Two Sets of DuckyButtons ($8 value). Your choice of two sets of super-sweet DuckyButtons in whatever designs you like... that's ten buttons to wear and share!
       
    Fifteen Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($15 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 15 beautiful custom buttons of your very own!
       
    One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
       
    World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: THURSDAY, APRIL 26th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • How many photos did I take when I visited Bryce Canyon in Utah?
    • Where was I born?
    • In which city did I enjoy the best shower I've ever had?
    • In which city's Hard Rock Cafe did I visit my 100th Hard Rock property?
    • On which musician's "floor" was my room when I stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel Chicago in November, 2004?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR TWO: 04/04-03/05
       
    Dave writes his most Googled blog entry ever.
    Dave lives here.
    Dave takes really cool photos from the air.
    Dave takes even cooler photos right here on earth.
    Dave flies to Dublin, Ireland so he can look at a book that's being made into a killer animated feature.
    Dave talks about his childhood, and shares a photo that Google-searching pedophiles will probably enjoy.
    Dave goes looking for Robin Hood, but gets cake instead.
    Dave live-blogs for the first time under less than ideal circumstances.
    Dave blogs a "Day in the Life" entry, and swears never to do it again because it's just too much work.
    Dave picks three guys he might go totally gay for.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY FOUR

    Posted on Thursday, April 26th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Looks like there is going to be a slight change of plans for Blogiversary IV Week.

    Turns out that the T-shirt voting from the first contest has taken an interesting turn. One design has pulled way, way, way out ahead of the pack (for those of you who were wanting the "A Little Geeky" shirt printed, it looks like you're going to get your wish). The problem is picking a shirt for the #2 spot, because there are three shirts all within 5 votes of each other. This leaves me with a dilemma because with no clear runner-up winner, it's difficult to know which one should be printed...

    So I've decided to move tomorrows prizes to today, and change the final prize to be more T-shirts. By putting more money into shirts, I might get quantities that will allow me to add an additional design or two. As an added benefit, this means more people will win prizes. So I think it's a good solution all around. Anyway, back to tomorrow's today's prizes...

    Little Geeky Wins

    On occasion I receive emails asking me if any of my photos or DaveToons or drawings are available for sale as prints. I suppose I could have printed out stuff on my inkjet and sold it to them, but this seemed like a cheap rip-off to me. So I started searching for a way to have my stuff professionally printed with impeccable quality, yet be of reasonable cost. After a few months of research and buying test-prints, I finally found a solution...

    Dave Prints

    When the Artificial Duck Store reopens, I'll be selling a limited selection of quality Giclée Pro-Prints on a choice of fine art papers or premium photo satin matte. The brilliant inks used are pigment-based which ensures a long print life and quality reproduction. They really are quite nice, and look great when framed.

    I'll start with a few of my favorite photos, some DaveToons that have been optimized specifically for print, and add a couple of limited edition items. If people actually end up buying them, I'll be adding new prints from time to time.

    In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature photo and print prizes...

    TODAY'S $225+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
       
    B3 ShirtPolaroid A515 Digital Camera ($80 value). This digital camera may be pretty cheap-ass, but it does have 5 megapixels, 4X zoom, 16MB built-in storage, and a 1.7" LCD screen. That's good enough to snap a few photos of your kid, your dog, or whatever... which will come in handy when the next prize arrives...
       
    B3 ShirtA Flickr Pro Account Gift Membership ($25 value). Organize your photos online, then show them to the world with this one-year gift membership to Flickr. If you already have a Flickr account, this will extend your membership by a year.
       
    B3 ShirtTwo Giclée Pro-Prints from the Artificial Duck Store ($70 value). Decorate your life with a couple of classy prints designed by yours truly. These prints are both beautiful and versatile... Embellish your living room with a great photo. Put a DaveToon in your baby's room. Or even use your prints as a really expensive liner for your cat's litter box.
       
    B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
       
    B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

    And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

    TODAY'S $52+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
       
    One Giclée Pro-Print from the Artificial Duck Store ($35 value).
       
    One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
       
    World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: FRIDAY, APRIL 27th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • When I become Pope, what famous Vatican landmark will I convert into my bedroom?
    • On my Blogography Dollar Index graph, which year from 2001-2005 was the US dollar at its highest value?
    • Name one of the three famous people I look like when I'm transformed into a Dead Hooker Baby.
    • In my super-sweet Collectible Card Game, what is Dave-Devil's Attack Power?
    • How did I die on my 40th birthday (it's on my tombstone!)?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR THREE: 04/05-03/06
       
    Dave makes his first (but certainly not last) bid to become Pope... and then contemplates his Papal super-powers.
    Dave gets a lot of hate-mail for this one... I guess comparing the US dollar to toilet paper is a bad thing.
    Dave learns how to peel a banana from a monkey.
    Dave creates DaveLand, the Daviest Place on Earth!
    Dave finally gets all political and shit.
    Dave still gets emails from crazy bitches over Dead Hooker Babies.
    Dave creates the entire universe (with the assistance of His Divine Monkey).
    Dave is tired of lame Collectible Card Games, and decides to create his own CCG.
    Dave fulfills his life-long dream to walk upon the Great Wall of China.
    Dave celebrates his 40th birthday... then dies and comes back to life as a zombie.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  48 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV… DAY FIVE!

    Posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    As I mentioned yesterday, votes for the second shirt design to be printed are really, really close (and if you haven't voted yet, you can still get your choices sent in by clicking here). With no clear victory for second place, I've decided to change this last day of prize drawings, and put the money into more shirt prizes. That way, I can get the order quantities high enough that I can print and extra design or two.

    So, in addition to the 5 FREE shirts I have for the T-shirt vote drawing, I'm adding another 25 FREE shirts for everybody who enters today's contest (all you have to do is pay the shipping costs!). That's 30 freebies total being given away for Blogiversary IV...

    Free Shirts!

    That's like uhhhhhh... $510 in shirts or something. This brings the total prizes for this year's blogiversary to over $1000, which is pretty sweet!

    $1000, Bitches!

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you now have to include correct answers to ALL SEVEN of the seven questions listed below in order to qualify (oooh! it's getting harder for you non-commenters!).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: SATURDAY, APRIL 28th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, this time you have to answer ALL SEVEN of the questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    1. What items might possibly shoot out of my ass as a result of PayPal being a giant scam?
    2. Who is the total whack-job that's a perfect 10 on my "Are You Insane?" diagnosis chart?
    3. Which super-hero did I become for Halloween one year?
    4. What will be located in the head of the gigantic statue monument I want to dedicate to myself?
    5. What color lightsabers do the monkeys attack me with in that dream I keep having?
    6. Which blogger did I run into, quite by surprise, at the Giant Glass Cube Apple Store?
    7. When the gays invaded Chicago, what did I imagine they would be armed with?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR FOUR: 04/06-03/07
       
    Dave discovers that PayPal sucks total ass because they stole his f#@%ing money!
    Dave reviews the most magical breakfast food ever: Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts!
    Dave creates his now-infamous alternatives for a hospital's lame "Pain Chart".
    Dave decides to write a line of books for dumbasses.
    Dave reveals his cross-dressing past.
    Dave decides to build a monument to his greatness.
    Dave has a dream.
    Dave writes that entry about bluetooth headsets that gets him a lot of hate-mail.
    Dave meets bloggers Eve and Dave3, then gets a shocking surprise on the streets of New York City.
    Dave finds out that the gays have invaded Chicago.

       

    Blogiversary IV: INTERLUDE!

    Posted on Saturday, April 28th, 2007

    Dave!Tonight the last of the Blogiversary IV contests are ending, so tomorrow I can take all the entries to somebody not affiliated with Blogography and have them draw the winners. That will bring the week-long celebration to a close, and I can move on to another year of big blogging fun.

    In the meanwhile, I am still trying to get the Artificial Duck Co. store ready for its grand re-opening on Monday afternoon. It's been a long-time coming, and a really difficult road to get here. I thought the hardships were over once I moved to Yahoo! Merchant Solutions, but it turns out my problems are just beginning.

    One of the major reasons I decided to go with Yahoo! was that they had inventory control. This was really important to me, because I didn't want people to order something that was out-of-stock and be disappointed when I had to tell them they wouldn't be getting it. With inventory control, I would finally have a way to let people know if they could order an item or not. I would use Yahoo! tags to access the inventory status of an item/size, then use the yes/no result to display a graphic to let people know if they could order a particular size...

    Duckavailability-1

    Except Yahoo! doesn't allow you to do that with their "store tags." In order for a customer to know whether or not something is in-stock, they have to add it to their cart. If it ends up in your cart, congratulations, you can order it! Otherwise you get this ugly stupid-ass error message...

    Yahooavailability

    What the fuck?!?

    What sense does it make to have inventory control if you can't tell your customers what the inventory level is BEFORE they add something to their cart? This is pretty stupid, and basically cuts the usefulness of this feature in half.

    So now I'm going to have to MANUALLY adjust the inventory indicators every time something changes, which sucks ass. Heaven forbid that I actually go on vacation or something.

    Why is it that somebody can't build a reasonably-priced merchant solution for small businesses that doesn't suck? Is it really so incredibly difficult? I can only hope that Google jumps into the game and fixes this shit like they seem to be doing with everything else.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 28

    Posted on Sunday, April 29th, 2007

    Dave!It's a very special Blogiversary IV edition of Bullet Sunday!

    Come back and read this after you skip down to see if you've won anything... I'll be waiting.

    Did you win? If you did, many congratulations! If you didn't, I'm sorry about that, and maybe you'll win one of the other events I've got planned for later in the year. And, just in case you're curious as to how the winners were chosen... I had nothing to do with it. I instead enlisted a friend who has no idea who the people were who entered (and doesn't even bother to read my blog in the first place). That way, the drawing is fair and impartial, and that's the only way to really run a contest. Here's how it went...

    1. I printed out a listing of all the emails addressed to each contest, cut them into strips, and placed the names in a plastic bag after counting to make sure everybody who entered was accounted for.
    2. The bags of names were taken to my friend, and I left to buy gas for my car. While I was gone, each bag of names were carefully dumped into a CD spindle cover, and the appropriate number of names were drawn. Each name was taped to a sheet of paper, in order, so I would know who won what.
    3. I went back to my friend's house to collect the winners.
    4. For the free T-shirt drawing, I wanted to maximize the number of winners, so one of the duplicates between Day 2 and Day 5 was removed and a new name was drawn.
    5. For the two major contest drawings, duplicates were allowed. This explains how Avitable (of all people) was able to win both a free shirt and a runner-up prize.
    6. I had lunch with my friend, then ran back home so I could post the winning names in this entry.
    7. After I'm done with this post, I'll be emailing the winners to give them the news.
    8. Tah-daaaaah! We're done!

    Duckopen

    Here are the winners for this year...

    • FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The five winners for voting on the shirts I'll be printing for this year's run are...

    1. Ladypuppy
    2. The Florida Librarian
    3. LeSombre
    4. Carlos H.
    5. Tracy Lynn
    Everybody else who voted will be getting a $10 certificate towards any shirt at the Artificial Duck Co. store when it goes online tomorrow afternoon.

    • TWENTY-FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The twenty-five winners for entering ShirtFest on Thursday are...

    1. Stephanie P.
    2. Tori S.
    3. Beth (F.H.)
    4. Ms. Sizzle
    5. The Chad
    6. Jill & Mittsy
    7. Harmonica Man (J.L.)
    8. Birdcolor
    9. Laurence
    10. Jacki D.
    11. Kilax
    12. Wade L.
    13. Avitable
    14. Kazza
    15. Delmer
    16. Jason W.
    17. Geeky Tai Tai
    18. Lynne S.
    19. Jespar S.
    20. Baak
    21. Frances Danger
    22. Peter R.
    23. Rick L.
    24. Dave H.
    25. Silvertongue

    • BUTTON CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Buttons Contest from Wednesday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cynical Dad
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: ~jtm
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Kyle Ice

    • PRINTS CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Prints Contest from Thursday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cavan T.
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Avitable
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Sven P.

    And that concludes Blogography's Blogiversary IV Celebration! Congratulations again to all the winners, and my most heart-felt thanks to all of you who keep reading Blogography... I wouldn't be doing this without you!

    Dave2

       

    Opening

    Posted on Monday, April 30th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: Well, crap. I turned on the store, everything looked great, but the first three orders couldn't process because of some kind of communication problem with my bank for verification of funds. Bleh. Everything will be just fine soon... very soon...

    In what can only be described as a miracle, the Artificial Duck Co. store is on-schedule for its grand opening tonight tomorrow.

    Probably pretty late tonight around noon tomorrow, as there are still some things that need to be tested.

    Getting to this point wasn't easy... I had no idea that setting up a "real" store for myself would be so hard. I've done it dozens of times for other people but, when it comes to making a store of your own, there's an unimaginable amount of work that has to happen. Honestly, it's too much work for something that's supposed to be just a hobby, but oh well. Soon it will all be over.

    The best part of setting up shop has been designing various features I want the store to have. Some things aren't working quite right on Internet Explorer (surprise, surprise), but the "Build-A-DuckyButton-Set" page seems to be working just fine. Creating the "About Us Page" was also loads of fun (assuming I don't get sued by Paramount!).

    By far the worst part of setting up shop has been the shipping charges. The US Postal Service is changing rates and eliminating services on May 14th, and so all of that has to be accounted for (since none of my orders will be shipping until early June). Shipping is always a tricky beast, because I want very much for what I charge to be accurate so I'm not ripping people off. I hate ordering a T-shirt on the internet and having shipping charges be $12 when I know the company is only going to pay $5. Rip-off! The problem is that if you goof up and accidentally charge too little, you stand to lose a horrendous amount of money very quickly. And it doesn't help that Yahoo!'s rate charts can't be calculated by shipping zone, which is kind of stupid because that's how all the carriers set their rates.

    But other than the shipping rates and the aforementioned lack of inventory display, Yahoo! hasn't been that bad to work with. I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay with them because their rates are so incredibly high, but I'll wait it out a few months before deciding what to do about that. It sure would be nice if Yahoo! would just take a straight percentage though. Rather than the $100/month + 1% I'm paying now, it would be a lot better for me if they just took 3% or even 5% so I wouldn't be hit so hard on months where I'm not selling much. I didn't build my store to make money, but it would be nice not to lose money.

    Anyway, it's been an adventure. Check in tomorrow when everything should be up-and-runnning (crossing my fingers) at Artificial Duck Co.!

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Complications

    Posted on Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

    Dave!Well this is fun.

    What was supposed to be such an easy task has turned into a complete nightmare. Despite having all my products chosen and graphics made, getting merchandise processed at the Artificial Duck Store has been far from easy. I've re-keyed all 136 items FOUR TIMES in an attempt to get everything working. The good news is that I've finally figured out what was going wrong, and know how to fix it. The bad news is that I have to re-enter everything a FIFTH time.

    Oh well, the shirts and DuckyButtons are up and running now, and I'll get to the prints and photos in the morning.

    For all of you who voted for shirts, I'll be sending out your coupons (with a nice bonus for making you wait!) later this evening. If you've already placed an order DON'T PANIC! Just let me know and I'll adjust the amount before you're charged.

    And oh yeah... we have four T-shirt winners this year!

    Shirt Winners!

    As far as votes go, "A Little Geeky" was far and away the winner. "Try Evil" was a firm second place. "Blogography" was ahead of "Try Evil" for a while, and then tied within 2 votes with "Bad Monkey." It was all very close, so I just decided to print them all. Mostly because I want to own all of them myself!

    A pity the stuff won't be arriving until early June, but I think it's all worth the wait!

    Anyway, thanks so much to everybody who helped me to celebrate Blogiversary IV this year... you are much appreciated! Here's looking forward to another year.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Death

    Posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

    Dave!I'm not one to think about death very often. I don't fear it, I don't dread it, I don't get upset over it. I've done quite a lot during my lifetime, and if I were to die tomorrow I would be okay with that. I'm not saying I want to die but, if it happens, that's fine by me... no regrets and all that. Usually the only time I'm bothered by death is when somebody I know dies. My own death is no bother at all.

    But ever since I opened the Artificial Duck Co. store, I'm starting to think about it. I've charged people money for pre-ordered merchandise which is 4-6 weeks away. What happens if I drop dead before I can ship it to them? What if I'm on a plane that goes down? What if I get run over on the street by somebody talking on their mobile phone instead of watching the road?

    For the first time in a very long time, I've been thinking about dying. Who will take care of Herbert (my plant) when I'm gone?

    Dave Death
    With apologies to Neil Gaiman...

    And so now I've started to plan for my demise.

    I've asked somebody to take care of Herbert. I've left detailed instructions on how to refund the money to everybody who has placed an order at my store. I've made sure my insurance policy is current. I've backed up my hard drive.

    (Not that backing up my hard drive is important when I'm dead... but if it were to die while I was alive, I'd probably be more upset than if I myself were to die).

    Bleh. It's raining this morning. The sound of it on my roof was enough to wake me up at 4:00am. It's not the worst way to wake up... except I didn't get to bed until 1:30am. Something tells me 2-1/2 hours of sleep isn't going to cut it.

    Maybe I'll die from exhaustion.

    But that's okay... I'm covered for that.

       

    Protest

    Posted on Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

    Dave!As I was driving home from work last night, I spotted a war protest rally going on in front of our local bank. This was a bit surprising given that I live in the conservative backwaters of Eastern Washington. Nobody ever protests anything here. But there they were.

    All three of them.

    But I don't think it was their diminutive numbers that was sabotaging their cause... it was the tragically bad signs they were waving around. They were barely readable. I nearly ran into the hippies trying to read what the heck they were protesting. As a designer snob, I felt the need to stop, hop out, and critique their shit, but I was just too tired.

    Helpful hint to hippie protesters... USE A THICK MARKER WHEN CREATING YOUR SIGNS SO PEOPLE CAN READ THEM!

    Things didn't get much better this morning. There I was stopped at a two-way-stop waiting for my turn to go. The truck whose turn it was to enter the intersection couldn't get out right away, but there was an opening coming AND a police car was heading towards me, so I decided to wait a second.

    It was then that the bitch behind me decided to honk her horn.

    Never mind that I didn't have the right-of-way. Never mind that a cop was coming. Never mind that I hadn't even been stopped 20 seconds yet. This impatient, ignorant, dumbass bitch decides to honk at me.

    Needless to say, I was enraged.

    I rolled down my window, flipped her off, and screamed some horrible things. And didn't feel the least bit bad about it. If I wasn't running late, I would have been sorely tempted to walk back and have a chat with her. Then slap her stupid face. Heaven only knows she needed it.

    Argh.

    Fast-forward eight hours and I'm in Seattle looking for socks. I have to walk through the women's section and notice something new...

    Mannequin Nipples
    Mobile phones take crappy photos.

    When did they start putting protruding nipples on the mannequins?

    And, more importantly, do these nipples actually encourage women to buy more clothes?

    I usually hate shopping, but if I was with a woman who felt the need to constantly ask me "do my nipples look good in this shirt?" - I may just change my mind.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    :-(

    Posted on Friday, May 4th, 2007

    Dave!I am very much not looking forward to the next 18 hours of travel.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day One: Athens, Greece

    Posted on Saturday, May 5th, 2007

    Dave!Oh look, I'm in Greece!

    My vacation kind of snuck up on me, because I've been working like a maniac for the past four weeks trying to get all my work caught up before I go. I had a vague notion that the trip was somewhere on the horizon but, until I packed my suitcase for the drive over to Seattle, it wasn't really "real" to me. But after an hour at SeaTac International, a 3-1/2 hour flight to Chicago, a 1-1/2 hour layover, a 9-hour flight to Munich, a 1-hour layover, and a 2-hour flight to Athens, it started getting pretty real, and here I am 18 hours later...

    Dave in Athens
    Hello from Athens, Greece, y'all!

    I've never been to Greece before, so this is kind of a nifty trip for me. I was heavy into Greek mythology as a kid, so finally being able to walk the grounds where it all started is pretty special.

    This first day I was pretty wiped out, so I didn't have any ambitious plans. Just wanted to wander down to Syntagma Square to see the changing of the guard at The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and take a look at the Temple of Olympian Zeus, which must have been a massive, massive structure back in the day...

    Athens Temple of Zeus
    The Temple of Zeus could use some spackle and a coat of paint.

    After meandering through some shops on Ermou Street, I decided to call it a day and walk back to my hotel. Along the way, I ran across a billboard ad that I'm guessing is for the local news or something. I don't know about your TV news team, but I dare say that Athens pretty much has them beat on the total hotness scale...

    Atrhens News Team

    Athens News Team
    We'll be back with more hotness at eleven...

    All in all, a pretty good day! About the only downer was the local Hard Rock Cafe where I went for lunch...

    Hard Rock Athens
    Uhhhh... yeah, not the most exciting Hard Rock I've been to...

    It saddens me very much to say that this was about the worst Hard Rock experience I've ever had. And it WASN'T for the following reasons:

    • The property is kind of boring.
    • The service is kind of slow.
    • They got my very simple food order wrong, twice.
    • They have a cover charge of €1.50 per person.
    • The atmosphere was pretty dead.

    No, the thing that made this the worst HRC experience of the 113 Hard Rock properties I've visited is that THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY PINS!! NO FUCKING COLLECTOR PINS!! What the bloody fuck? How can you call yourself a Hard Rock Cafe if you aren't selling any pins? This is about the most stupid thing I've ever seen at an HRC. Their famous collector pins are massively high-profit items that sell like mad. Most cafes have too many pins, because selling them is almost like being able to print your own money. I can only guess that the Athens location must not be interested in making money? Maybe they're just too profitable? Nothing quite like traveling 8,410 miles to have lunch at a Hard Rock and walking away empty-handed from the souvenir shop.

    Ooog. I haven't slept in two days, so I had probably better at least take a nap or something before playing tourist all day tomorrow.

       

    Bullet Sunday 29

    Posted on Sunday, May 6th, 2007

    Dave!Hey, it's Bullet Sunday from sunny and beautiful Greece today!

    • Cotters... Dustin over at Cotters in my Tummy has put down his tater tots long enough to finally add me to his blogroll. I guess I can stop regretting that I didn't kick him out onto the street during TequilaCon now.

    • Review... Last week, Avitable selected me as one of the blogs appearing in his first ever Week In Review. Even more exciting than this honor was that he drew up his very own rendition of a DaveToon for the occasion...

    AvitableToon

    The real reason that I traveled to Greece this week was that I was trying to make some kind of grand gesture that would assure me of another appearance in his "Week In Review II" today. Apparently traveling half-way around the world just isn't good enough, so now I'm open to suggestions as to what I should do this week that would guarantee me an appearance in "Week in Review III" next Sunday.

    • Acropolis... Hoping to beat both the crowds and the heat, I decided to wake early and visit The Acropolis right as it opened up. Along with The Great Wall of China and the Pyramids of Egypt, this is one of those places that I've dreamed of visiting for as far back as I remember. It did not disappoint, even though it was partially obstructed in scaffolding...

    Acropolis

    So much of the finer details have been destroyed or taken, but the maiden statues on the Porch of the Caryatids are still there...

    Acropolis

    One of the nice things about showing up early was being treated to a procession of guardsmen marching through the Acropolis, their uniforms beautifully appointed. These are the same guards who stand watch at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier 24-7 at the Parliament Building that I saw yesterday...

    Athens Guardsmen

    • Architectural... One of the treasures of Athens is their Architectural Museum, which is a bit out of the way but well worth the trip. Most of the statues have significant damage to them (I lost count of the number of poor statue dudes missing their penis), but on occasion there's a piece that's miraculously intact... no missing noses or anything, which is quite remarkable to see...

    Statue Head

    • Poseidon... The weather was simply too beautiful to stick around the city all day, so I paid a taxi driver to run down the coast to the south-most point of the Athenian peninsula, which is where the Temple of Poseidon resides...

    Maptoposeidon

    After an hour-and-a-half of beautiful scenery, you arrive at an outcropping overlooking the Mediterranean where the temple was built for the god of the seas. It's survived a little better than most, but is still only a shadow of what it once was...

    Temple of Poseidon

    If only there was a way to travel back in time and see these magnificent structures when they were new.

    And so ends my last day in Athens and another installment of Bullet Sunday.

       

    Day Three: Piraeus, Greece

    Posted on Monday, May 7th, 2007

    Dave!I am not much of a "cruise guy." I prefer to travel on my own and not be trapped on a ship awaiting the next port of call. But given that Greece has something like 4000 islands, a cruise is probably the easiest way to see a little bit of Greek life outside the mainland, and so here I am.

    In many ways, cruising is a surreal experience. Despite the fact that you are in foreign waters visiting foreign ports of call, the ship itself is devoid of place and could be said to exist anywhere. I find this to be disorienting, and a rather detached way of exploring other cultures, but there are some plusses to be had. For one thing, you aren't packing and unpacking from place to place because your room travels with you. For another, all your food is included in the cost of the cruise. This wouldn't be so bad if the food sucks, but I've found cruise ship food is almost always exceptional, which means I spend most of my day eating. Gluttony, as it turns out, is not such a terrible way to spend your time (even if it is considered to be a deadly sin).

    The first day of a cruise is relatively boring, as most of the crew is dedicated to getting everybody settled on the ship. The only excitement to be had is the mandatory Emergency Drill, where everybody gets to put on their lifejackets and head to a muster station so they can learn what to do if the ship hits an iceberg or whatever. At least, they might learn what to do in an emergency situation if you could actually hear the instructions. With everybody talking, the room is so noisy that I couldn't hear a dang thing. So, I suppose if our ship does end up hitting an iceberg, I'll just put on my lifejacket and run screaming down the halls in the hopes that it all works out...

    Emergency Drill

    The most bizarre sight of the day would have to be the couple who brought along their baby on the Emergency Drill. Who the f#@% cruises with a baby? With my luck, the baby will end up being a screamer, and end up in the stateroom next door.

    Cruiser babies suck ass.

    They suck almost as bad as the cost for internet.

    Now, don't get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that the ship even has internet in the first place, but 50¢ a minute is pretty harsh. That's $30 an hour! I could get blown by a crack-whore for that!! Understandably, blog reading for the next two weeks will be at a minimum. Sure I love everybody, but I wouldn't pay $30 an hour to read my own blog.

    I am, however, willing to spend $30 and hour to write in it. Lucky you.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for "lunner" - that magical meal between lunch and dinner, and one of seven free meals I'll be eating every day.

    Hey, it beats playing shuffleboard.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Four: Olympia, Greece

    Posted on Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

    Dave!When coming into port on a cruise ship, you can either buy one of the ship's pre-planned shore excursion packages... or fend for yourself. Even though I loathe tour groups, I take the pre-planned excursions every time just for the convenience of it all. My greatest fear is missing the boat, so letting them worry about all that is a load off my mind.

    Today's pre-planned excursion was for Olympia, Greece... birthplace of the Olympic Games.

    When I booked the tour, I had anticipated that there would be some kind of massive ancient stadium that was built for the glory that is The Olympics... kind of like the Colosseum in Rome or something. So imagine my surprise when I find out that the original games were held here...

    Olympia, Greece

    Uhhhhh... yeah. I suppose this could be looked at as a bit of a disappointment, but it is what it is. I just choose to appreciate it from a historical perspective, and it's all good.

    One of the interesting facts about Olympia is that this is where the Olympic flame is lit that then travels to the site of the Olympic Games. For the Olympics in China in 2008, they will get a giant concave mirror, aim it at the sun, then put some dry brush and twigs in front until it catches fire. The flame will then be sent to Athens for a bit, then be forwarded to China. And it all begins right here at Olympia's Temple of Hera...

    Temple of Hera

    This being a historical Greek site there are, of course, some cool ruins of columns to be seen...

    Olympia

    And that's the excursion for today. Thirty-five minutes later, I'm back at the ship.

    Where it's time for ice cream.

    ICE CREEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!

    While onboard, this is my bestest friend in the whole world...

    Ice Cream!

    At first I kind of sucked at making my own ice cream cones but, since I've been eating 4-5 of them every day, I'm getting pretty good at it. I've got a nice swirl going on, and can make a nice peak on top now (instead of the lumpy mess I was making when I first started). I'm one of those people who should not be given access to free ice cream, because I will use it.

    In fact, now that my second dinner has started to digest, it must be time for yet another ice cream cone.

    I think I am gaining 10 pounds a day here...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Five: Corfu, Greece

    Posted on Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

    Dave!Today's shore excursion was further northward to the sunny island of Corfu.

    And when I say "sunny" I mean "absurdly sunny" because the light is so bright that my sunglasses were rendered practically useless. This made photography kind of difficult, even with my polarizing filter, because entire scenes were blotted out by the glare. Still, there were nice views to be had amongst the massive number of tourists overrunning the island, and Corfu Town itself was quite nice. The excursion tour that I booked didn't have a lot of substance to it, but was entertaining enough, and sure beat sitting on the ship all day...

    Corfu Town

    One of the stops on the tour was the summer palace of Empress Elizabeth of Austria called "Achilleio," named after the greek hero Achilles. It was badly over-decorated and garish, but there were a few interesting bits. One of my favorites was a beautiful half-dome mural in the home's small chapel which was brilliantly detailed...

    Corfu Mural

    Corfu Mural

    But that paled in comparison to the detail that some sculptor put into the ass of an Achilles statue in the garden...

    Achilles Ass

    The guy may be dying from a poison arrow shot into his heel, but his ass still looks fabulous!

    Tomorrow there will be no port of call, as it is to be a day at sea. I always go a little bit stir-crazy on days at sea, so here's hoping that I don't freak out and try to escape the ship in an ice bucket.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Six: The Mediterranean

    Posted on Thursday, May 10th, 2007

    Dave!Without a shore excursion, I feel lost at sea. Time suddenly ceases to have meaning. How long has the ship been adrift? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? I cannot know.

    At first I try to appreciate that there is nothing to do. I wander the ship aimlessly, trying to fill the void of my boredom by eating two perfectly-formed ice cream cones for breakfast. This has no effect, so I construct a third, this time getting all fancy by making a double-reverse swirl on the top. It is delicious, but my restlessness goes unabated.

    I go back to my stateroom and stare at the eternal blue from my balcony...

    Balcony View

    I start to wonder if I shall ever see land again... or if am I doomed forever to this world of blue? I suppose so long as they don't run out of chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream, that would be okay with me...

    Stranded Boat

    Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

    With nothing better to do, I start looking through the photos I took yesterday, and realize that I had gone ass-to-mouth, just like Avitable had asked for me to appear in his Week in Review!

    Ass to Mouth

    Achilles didn't seem to mind, but my camera will never be the same again.

    Tomorrow has a very early port call at 6:45am. That's kind of a bummer, because I don't think I can get in an ice cream cone before I have to go.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Seven: Cairo, Egypt

    Posted on Friday, May 11th, 2007

    Dave!I don't know whether to feel lucky or unlucky... but the weather here in Cairo is cool and overcast. This could be considered lucky when the alternative would be scorching 100-degree temperatures... but kind of strange that this rare weather event should happen while I'm in town. Oh well, here I am in Egypt. A visit to the pyramids is set for tomorrow, and the weather could do anything before then.

    The ship actually makes port in the city of Alexandria, so there's a 3-hour bus drive across the West Desert before reaching Cairo. Our first stop in the city was to the Alabaster Mosque, otherwise known as the Mosque of Muhammad Ali (who is regarded as the founder of modern Egypt). The building itself is quite beautiful with its alabaster forecourt, even when overrun with tourists...

    Alabaster Mosque

    The Ottoman architecture is pretty sweet, and meticulously maintained...

    Alabaster Mosque

    Islamic mosques are built solely for prayer, are devoid of any clutter, and have no statues or imagery (both of which are forbidden). This way the worshiper may concentrate on their prayers without distraction. This is not to say that the interior is boring... far from it... the walls are adorned with cool geometric designs, and the ceiling is as beautiful and ornate as any church...

    Alabaster Mosque Ceiling

    After we left the Mosque of Muhammad Ali, it was onward to the Egypt Museum...

    Egypt Museum

    I have seen Tutankhamen exhibits many times over the years (the latest was just five months ago in Chicago), but the one time I saw the famous death mask in the 1970's, I was too young to remember it. And, since the Egyptian government has forbidden the mask to leave the country since the early 80's, the only way I was ever going to see it was to visit it here in Cairo. Unfortunately, you can't take pictures in the museum, but finally seeing the mask in person after having seen it a million times in photos pretty much made the entire trip worthwhile.

    The tour group was then given free time to freshen up and relax but, knowing there was a Hard Rock Cafe in the city, there was no way I was going to waste time relaxing! The cafe itself is in the lower level arcade of the Grand Hyatt hotel, located on the banks of the Nile. From the outside, it's nothing really special...

    Hard Rock Cairo

    But the inside is fantastic, with high energy, lots of memorabilia, and an enthusiastic staff (who were all on stage dancing when I visited the dining room). The highlight of the property for me was this incredible mosaic artwork behind the bar featuring landmarks from around the globe...

    Hard Rock Cairo

    Alas, there wasn't time to eat a veggie burger and have a chocolate shake, but I DID manage to get a really nice Hard Rock pin set (at last!) and a T-shirt.

    And now as I sit here on my hotel balcony overlooking the city, with the Great Pyramids off in the distance, I must sign off because it's time for a dinner cruise on the Nile with 340 of my closest friends...

       

    Day Eight: Giza, Egypt

    Posted on Saturday, May 12th, 2007

    Dave!I miss my armed military police escort.

    Egypt is so reliant on tourism dollars, that they are quite paranoid about visitor safety. Just one bomb exploding at a popular tourist destination, or even a minor attack on a tour bus, would be enough to destroy tourism to the country for at least a year... probably longer. So that's why our tour bus convoy was escorted by military police, the bus itself had an armed guard onboard with a machine gun, and my quick run to the Hard Rock Cafe in a taxi caused us to be stopped twice so that the car could be inspected for bombs. The government is doing everything they can to ensure the safety of their tourists and, while a little alarming at first, you soon grow accustomed to their presence and miss them when they're gone.

    Anyway, the sun god Ra saw fit to bless my tour group with a sunny day for the quick trip out of Cairo to the Giza Plateau.

    I guess the two dumbass tourists I sacrificed to him this morning must have done the trick.

    And yeah, the pyramids are as amazing as I thought they would be...

    Pyramid

    Pyramid

    Until you look back towards smoggy Cairo, that is. It's kind of sad how close the city has encroached on the pyramids, which spoils their massive stature just a bit...

    Smoggy Pyramids

    You can actually buy a ticket to climb through the center pyramid all the way to the burial chamber in the middle. It is definitely not for the faint of heart, because the passage is very small and claustrophobic. Even worse, it's really hot and stuffy, making it difficult to breathe. When you get to the chamber, there's a guide waiting inside to explain everything to you... I cannot imagine how he manages to stay inside there all day without going insane. If that were my job, I'd probably start killing people. I couldn't last longer than two minutes, and was rushing as fast as I could to climb back outside.

    My favorite part of the day was getting to visit The Sphinx! He's way cool...

    Egypt Sphinx and Pyramid

    Egypt Sphinx

    And now that I'm safely back on the ship, it's time for an early bedtime. The past two days have been so exhausting that I am actually looking forward to a day at sea tomorrow. The tour went to a cheesy light show at the pyramids last night, followed by a dinner cruise on The Nile that lasted until past midnight. This wouldn't have been too bad except I had to get up at 6:00am in order to meet the bus to the Giza Plateau.

    Hmmm... I think I need one more ice cream before turning in. I suffered withdrawals while I was in Cairo for two days, and need to make up for lost frozen dairy desserts...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 30

    Posted on Sunday, May 13th, 2007

    Dave!It's time for my first Bullet Sunday at sea!

    • PLAGUE SHIP! Ack. This is the second time I've been on a cruise, and this is the second time there's been an epidemic going around. Last time it was some kind of cold/flu hybrid. This time they aren't saying what's going on, but you are no longer allowed to serve yourself at the food buffets. Not even for water, which actually makes me happy. A few days ago I was waiting in line for a glass of water when the stupid bitch ahead of me filled up her water bottle, putting the mouth of the bottle directly in contact with the spout. This grossed me out because, for all I know, she is the ship's whore and there's no telling where that mouth of hers has been. She could have been sucking on something funky before sucking on her water bottle, and now the stupid whore's cooties are all over the water spout, contaminating everything that comes out of it.

    • ICE CREAM DREAMS! But there is a bad side to all of this. You're not allowed to make your own ice cream cones now either. So now I have to trust some total amateur's cone-making skills at the soft-serve machine. Instead of getting the perfectly shaped ice cream cones I'm used to making myself, I now get these lumpy, malformed monstrosities that look like they were crapped out of a donkey's ass. It's probably my imagination, but they just don't seem to taste as good now. =sob!= I'll probably start dreaming that I'm ruler of Egypt, and my thousands of loyal subjects will bring me perfect chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream cones all day long. Egypt seems to have had quite an effect on me...

    Hieroglyphics

    BEING BORING! Today is an at-sea day. Usually these bore me, but I'm actually looking forward to being a little bored for a while. Besides, there's a lot of stuff coming up in the final week of vacation, and tomorrow I have to be up at 6:00am again.

    Cruise Map

    • TOUR DE ASSHOLE! I've never hidden my loathing for organized tours, but yesterday's Giza tour was a new low point. Two fucking assholes were 50 minutes late getting back to the bus at the first stop, which meant that all the remaining stops had to be compressed, and certain things I would have loved to have spent more time with were whipped through at a furious pace. Never mind that everybody else on that bus managed to get back on time. The two inconsiderate fucks didn't even apologize for screwing everybody (they probably weren't sorry anyway). It used to be that I would wish for a million dollars to fall from the sky. Now I just wish these two fuckers dead in the most painful way possible. I mean, come on... FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES?!? If I were the tour guide, I would have left their fucking idiot asses in the desert after 10 minutes so everybody else doesn't have suffer for their being complete and total fucking pricks. I despise assholes who have absolutely no consideration for other people, and tours are usually full of them.

    Alas, it's time for me to retire to Deck 12 for some sunshine. There seems to be an abundance of it today...

       

    Day Ten: Crete, Greece

    Posted on Monday, May 14th, 2007

    Dave!Yet another beautiful day in the Mediterranean, with crisp blue skies and entirely too much sunshine.

    It was, of course, too good to last... because I had an organized tour awaiting me! As always, there were the minimum two idiots in the group, ruining things for everybody else. First up there was a rude, disgusting, pig who completely ignored the tour guide so he could listen to his iPod while reading a book and loudly smacking his gum like some kind of spastic turd. Along with him was a woman that I nicknamed Skanky McCrotchspreader, because she liked throwing her legs up on the bus exit banister. This not only meant that I had to see her feet every time I looked out the window, but I also had to be exposed to her toxic cootchie every time I exited the bus. They were made for each other.

    But at least Gum-Smacking Pig was never more than five minutes late to the bus, which was nice.

    The main focus of the tour was the ruined city of Knossos. It was okay, I guess, but I didn't like how they "improved" it by adding modern structures like sun louvers to the site, and "fixing" some of the ruins with plaster and paint. Why they couldn't have just left it in its natural state is beyond me. Still, if you like seeing a bunch of busted-ass buildings and stuff, this is the place...

    Knossos, Crete, Greece

    Knossos, Crete, Greece

    My favorite feature was this pregnant cat that was wandering around like she owned the place. I'd like to think that she did...

    Knossos Cat

    As we left Knossos to visit a manufactured tourist trap in the form of a Cretan village, Gum-Smacking Pig decided to move on from smacking gum and instead decided to crinkle a Coke can. All the way we had to listen to him popping in the sides of the can... pop pop... pop pop... pop pop... I would have liked to kick the fucking can up his stupid ass, but my shoes are still new.

    The fake Cretan village was kind of charming, if you're into that kind of thing. I was a bit bored, but the weather was really great for photos. The sky was so blue that it was almost painful to look at it...

    Crete Village

    Crete Village

    Crete Village

    I wish that we had a bit more time to explore the Cretan countryside, as it looks quite rustic and beautiful. Even with Skanky McCrotchspreader's legs in the way...

    Crete Countryside

    Now that the tour is over, there is a surprising five hours left before the ship leaves port. It almost seems a shame that I don't take a bus back into Iraklion to see a bit more of Crete, but I'd rather write in my blog then take a nap before dinner.

    Isn't that what vacations are for?

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Eleven: Santorini

    Posted on Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

    Dave!Today the ship set anchor at Santorini, one of the most beautiful places on earth.

    Seriously, you have no idea.

    It's not that the island itself is anything terribly beautiful... the land is kind of stark and rocky. It's what the natives have done with it that makes it so special. Namely, the really cool villages that spill over the cliffs. The buildings, architecture, and colors all combine to create something amazing to see. Especially the many churches, which are breathtaking against the vibrant blue sky...

    Santorini Church

    Santorini Church

    Santorini Church

    Santorini Church

    The main city I visited was Fira, which is above the harbor where the ship docked...

    Fira, Santorini

    Fira, Santorini

    To get up to the city from the waterfront you can either walk, ride a donkey, or take the cable car. Riding the cable car is by far the easiest, but kind of freaky... you'd swear it was traveling straight up in the air. I don't do well with heights, so this was not big fun for me...

    Fira Cable Car

    Further up the island from Fira there was a smaller, much quieter village called Oía, which is the kind of place that Santorini is famous for. By the time I was leaving, there were so many tour busses and so many people that it was getting difficult to walk down the narrow streets. But even with the crowds, there's no denying how attractive the city is...

    Oía, Santorini

    I think I shot more photos in Santorini than I've shot in all other ports of call combined. If it weren't for the masses of tourists which overrun the place, it would be an amazing vacation destination all on its own.

    Once back to the ship, I decided to have an ice cream cone, and was pleasantly surprised that the cone that was filled for me was well constructed with a nice swirl on top. When I complimented the girl at the machine, she told me that she had made ice cream cones for five hours the day before, and was getting quite good at it. I was curious to know if the girl at the ice cream machine at the opposite side of the ship was equally skilled, and so I made my way aft to find out. Turns out she was even BETTER at making ice cream cones, but had a very good reason for it. While attending college, she had worked at McDonalds to earn money, and had made thousands of cones during her two years there. I was in awe to be in the presence of an ice cream master, and walked away wondering if I would have the opportunity to practice my cone skills before disembarking.

    Ice cream cones so totally rule.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Twelve: Mykonos, Greece

    Posted on Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

    Dave!Mykonos is a swanky resort island for the rich and famous of the Mediterranean. When I read about it in my tour brochure, I didn't think it sounded very interesting, so I instead selected an excursion called "Magnificent Delos." I figured anything with "magnificent" in the title was worth my valuable time.

    Delos, as it turns out, is an entirely separate island about 35 minutes off the coast of Mykonos. It was an island devoted to the god Apollo, and a massive city sprang up to service all the worshippers that arrived on a pilgrimage. At one time, it was probably pretty incredible. But now... not so much.

    I'd go so far as to say it was boring. Boring, boring, boring. Yet another busted city with a bunch of reconstructed crap mucking up the place. Not very magnificent at all...

    Delos, Greece

    The strange thing about Delos is that the people there seemed to be obsessed with penises. There are busted penis statues around, and the local museum has a display case devoted to penis carvings that were salvaged from the site...

    Delos Penis

    Delos Penises

    After I returned from the not-so-magnificent Delos, it was time to explore Mykonos Town proper.

    Turns out that this is where I should have been spending my time all along, because the city is just cool. There are dozens and dozens of narrow little streets that were intentionally made into a maze to confuse the pirates that used to plague the city. Exploring all these tiny little alleyways is big fun, even though it didn't leave a lot of room to take very good photos...

    Mykonos Alley

    Looking across the harbor, you can see "new town" which is starting to look a little like Santorini, but without the cliffs...

    Mykonos New Town

    And more cats. There are cats all over Greece. My favorite was this cool-looking calico that I'd have liked to take home with me...

    Mykonos Cat

    And that's all she wrote for Greece...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Thirteen: Ephesus, Türkiye

    Posted on Thursday, May 17th, 2007

    Dave!Originally, my tour of Ephesus was due to leave the ship at 9:45am, which would have allowed for a nice opportunity to sleep in. Unfortunately, the time was changed to 8:15am, which meant yet another early morning.

    Ephesus was once a city of major importance... both in early times as a place of worship to the goddess Artemis, and in later days as the final home of the Virgin Mary of the Christian faith. Today it is still an important landmark and place of pilgrimage for Christians, having been visited by two Popes and untold scores of followers.

    Mary's famous house has been nicely restored, and there's a "blessed spring" nearby where visitors can drink from the waters or, more likely, bottle it up and take it home as a souvenir as I did (I've got a few plants who could really use some divine help just now)...

    Virgin Mary's House

    From there, it's a short drive to the ruins of the ancient city, with major pieces of architecture having been partially restored. The centerpiece of the entire complex is the great library, which must have been truly amazing back in the day...

    Ephesus Library

    Ephesus Library

    The Ephesus Museum has many nice works rescued from the archaeological site, but the showcase item was a little guy packing a really big piece that puts the Delos penises from yesterday to shame...

    Ephesus Penis

    The final stop of this very long day was to a Turkish Hand-Woven Rug Showroom, where incredibly beautiful works of rug art could be yours if you have thousands of dollars burning a hole in your pocket. They were all incredible, of course, but way out of my price range. I was more interested in the bird's nest just outside the door, where baby birds were anxiously awaiting their mother's return with dinner...

    Ephesus Birds

    I know just how they feel, because now it's my dinner-time too.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Fourteen: Istanbul, Türkiye

    Posted on Friday, May 18th, 2007

    Dave!The final port of call on my cruise is the amazing city of Istanbul.

    Once the capital city of three empires (Roman, Byzantine, and Ottoman), the city formerly known as Constantinople is bound to have some interesting history behind it. Unfortunately, a single day of sightseeing can barely scratch the surface, but I gave it my best shot.

    The natural place to start is the world-famous Blue Mosque, which is just as beautiful as its reputation suggests...

    The Blue Mosque

    The Blue Mosque

    From there, it's a short walk to the Haghia Sophia Museum...

    Haghia Sophia Museum

    And then onward to a spooky cistern, one of forty-three scattered around the city's underground...

    Istanbul Cistern

    And no trip to Istanbul would be complete without a trip through the Grand Bazaar, home to 4000 merchant stalls selling everything and anything you can imagine...

    Istanbul Grand Bazaar

    And, just like that, my vacation is over.

    I think I need a vacation from my vacation now.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Day Fifteen: Stranded Far From Home…

    Posted on Saturday, May 19th, 2007

    Dave!Right now I pretty much hate everybody because airlines fucking suck ass.

    Well, everybody except you, of course.


    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 31

    Posted on Sunday, May 20th, 2007

    Dave!I'm home safe for a rather late Bullet Sunday! As somebody who travels quite often, I fully accept that shit happens. Weather can cause delays. Mechanical difficulties pop up. Unforeseen drama can ensue at any time. And, as always, human error is a factor. Rather than get upset by it all, I try my best to just accept it as part of the game and not let it get to me. I find it easiest to travel with the attitude that things will go wrong, whatever happens will happen, and deal with it the best I can when things actually do go wrong. On the other hand, however, it's how the companies actually involved in the problem deal with things that determine whether or not I go out-of-my-fucking-mind ballistic over the situation.

    • Delta. Unfortunately, Delta not only dropped the ball when things went wrong for my flight home, they then proceeded to kick the ball into a pile of shit, piss on it, light it on fire, then throw it at my head. This is hard for me to say, because most all of my past experience with Delta has been good. After Alaska Air, they are probably my favorite airline to fly. It was not Delta's fault that traffic at JFK was backed up and we had to sit on the tarmac for 40 minutes. It WAS their fault that they didn't dispatch customer service agents to help those of us who were going to miss our connections (not even ONE fucking agent was there to greet us... and this is a major Delta hub!). It WAS their fault that they said our connecting flights were aware of our delay and if we ran we could probably make our flights. It WAS their fault that when I tracked down somebody, they had me run all the way across the airport to "Gate 24" only to find out that "Gate 24" DOESN'T EXIST... they sent me to a customer service station so they wouldn't have to deal with me. It WAS their fault that their misinformation about making my flight made me re-check my luggage after Immigration, leaving me stranded overnight with nothing but a GameBoy, my laptop, and a credit card. It WAS their fault that not one of their agents had a hotel hotline number for displaced passengers, and I had to pay fucking $225 to get a room so I wouldn't have to spend the night in an airport bathroom. Basically, I was misled, lied to, shoved aside, abandoned, treated like crap, then stranded... all within the course of a two-hour period by Delta. Kind of makes me wish they would have went fucking bankrupt, and this is coming from a former loyal and happy customer. Fuck Delta. Fuck them up their stupid asses.

    • Security. I joke about looking like a terrorist, but reality seems to back this up. If anybody is ever going to be given a "second screening" at airport security, it's probably going to be me. I have been pulled aside for body searches and questioning more times than I can count. It never bothers me, I always cooperate, and I never complain... because it is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it (unless I want to shave, dye my hair blonde, and start wearing 3-piece business suits). And, even though I've become accustomed to it, being pulled from the screening line by two Turkish security guards for a third screening was a bit disconcerting. Especially when I saw that they were taking me to a small, dark, private room across the passenger lounge...

    Turkish Security Room

    But it turns out to have been no big deal... all they did was pat me down and check my shoes. The room was more for my benefit than theirs, as I think they just wanted to spare me any embarrassment from public scrutiny (which was actually kind of considerate). The door was open the entire time, they were really nice and apologetic about the entire ordeal, and it took less than 5 minutes. I've had a lot worse from American security screenings. It's at this point that I kind of started feeling bad for foreign countries who want to maintain good relations with the USA. On one hand, they have to risk upsetting visitors with more strict and thorough security procedures. On the other hand, can you imagine what the reaction of the US government would be if they inadvertently let a terrorist on a US-bound plane? I wish US citizens who travel abroad would realize this before they start bitching about how rough security is in other countries. They're just trying to keep us safe and our government happy, so shut the fuck up already.

    • Crack. I picked up some sesame-covered toffee peanuts while in Santorini because a local business was handing out free samples and I became addicted after just one bite. I now know what it must be like to have a crack-cocaine habit, because these things are more addictive than soft-serve swirl ice cream cones and chocolate pudding combined. I wake up in the middle of the night craving them. Heaven only knows what the withdrawal is going to be like when I finally eat my last peanut.

    • Homeward. In driving back from Seattle this afternoon, I got stuck behind some asshole who was driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit. I kept speeding up to pass him, but oncoming traffic was too heavy, and I couldn't find an opening. Finally, after 10 minutes of this shit, I found my chance and made my move. As I was passing, I looked over and saw that the fucker was FLIPPING ME OFF! Yeah, asshole... it's MY FAULT that YOU are driving so damn slow. I'M the asshole because YOU can't drive the speed limit. I hate this shit more than anything else on earth, and it took all my willpower not to slam into this dumb-fuck and run him off the road. And yet, if I were to follow him home, cut off his middle finger with wire-cutters, smash his windshield with a baseball bat, then kick the shit out of him and light his ass on fire... it would be ME who was considered the criminal! I mean, seriously, if you can't drive the speed limit, you should EXPECT that people are going to want to pass your stupid ass. Don't get mad at them because of YOUR problem. Bleh. It's so good to be back home.

    • Shipping. Speaking of home... I miss my balcony with a waterfront view from my home onboard the ship...

    Dave's Ship Home

    One day I turned my deck-chairs backwards and turned on my balcony light so I could figure out which cabin was mine. Now that I'm looking at this photo, does it really make a difference? Oh well. I suppose even more than my balcony waterfront view, I miss having housekeeping services. My apartment is a mess, and there's two-weeks worth of clothes that need to be washed.

    Would somebody please send me a million dollars so I don't have to go back to work in the morning?

    Tags:
    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullets?

    Posted on Monday, May 21st, 2007

    Dave!There's so much going on since I'm back from vacation that I guess I need another round of bullet points to catch up? It's Blogography's first ever "Bullet Monday!"

    • Viagra. People stealing from my blog is nothing new. Usually I just let it go, because there's no point in getting all freaked out about it. Where I draw the line is when people use my stuff to BE me. The first time this happened, somebody stole dozens of my travel photos and created a blog devoted to "travel adventures" that they never actually had. The second time somebody had stolen photos of me off Flickr and wrote an entirely fictitious life around them. Now there's something entirely new going on... somebody has stolen a bunch of old entries in their entirety, but changed all the links to point to sites selling "Generic Viagra" and stupid crap like that. Needless to say, I'm not happy. Stuff like this is just going to keep getting worse and worse.

    • Outfoxed. In checking my stats, I noticed something totally great...

    Firefoxwins

    For the first time ever, Firefox has surpassed busted-ass Internet Explorer in browser use. People are finally waking up! In other stats news... Germans love Dave. Turns out that Germany is close to overtaking Canada for the #2 spot in my visitor location stats.

    • Veronica. I received many, many emails last week that went something like this: "sorry to ruin your vacation, but Veronica Mars has been cancelled" and so on. While not entirely unexpected, it does suck ass that the best show on television has just been gutted in favor of stupid-ass reality shit like Search For A New Pussycat Doll. What this says about television role-models for young girls today fills me with dread. Much love to the CW Network for doing their part to ruin society as we know it.

    Ripveronica

    • w00t! There have been only a handful of computer games over the years that I have loved enough to deem "life-changing." Certainly Zork would be on the list. I'd think Dungeon Master and Warlords II would be there as well. And then there's Myst, which actually did change my life. But there is one game... one... which I love above all others. StarCraft. This is the game that was so good that it nearly ruined my life. There was a time that nothing else mattered, and all I wanted to do was play it. Heck, I still play it from time to time. It's a timeless classic that is so brilliant... so astoundingly balanced and well thought-out... so remarkable in its twists and turns... so sublimely perfect in every way... that no game since has come close to topping it for me. And now Blizzard goes and announces that StarCraft II is on the way. There was never any doubt that this would happen, as StarCraft is one of the most popular and beloved games ever, but knowing it is really real is more than a little thrilling. And oh is it ever going to be beautiful...

    Starcraft2

    More info and luscious screenshots can be found at Blizzard's site for the game. I, for one, will be counting the days.
    Hours.
    Minutes.
    Seconds.
    Whatever.

    • w00t! w00t! As if that's not enough, a team is porting Warlords II to the Nintendo DS!

    • Barf. I've been catching up on work all evening with the TV running for background noise. I ignored most of what was going on... though Heroes caught my eye a couple of times because =gasp!= the SUPER-heroes were actually USING F#@%ING SUPER-POWERS!! WHAT A CONCEPT!! A pity they didn't bother to think of that sooner, because I might have actually kept watching the show. But it's what was on after Heroes that made me want to crap my pants, barf, then die. Tonight was the season finale of The Bachelor. I've never seen this show before, and now I wish I hadn't seen it at all. I was laughing my ass off as this guy kicks his reject to the curb, telling her how he loves her and will never forget her... but then slams the limo door in her face as she is driven off into the sunset crying. Naturally, the gal is heartbroken and, naturally, the cameras are there to record each humiliating moment because THIS is what passes as entertainment now-a-days. Thank heavens that Veronica Mars has been canceled to make room in the television schedule for more steaming piles like this.

       

    Bah! There's another dozen bullet points I could write up, but I'm too tired to type them just now.

    I guess that story about the hole in my lucky boxer shorts will have to wait...

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Cycle

    Posted on Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Great. My DSL is down. Again. When the highlight of your day is getting a call from Bad Robert wanting to know if your "poop cycle" is back to normal, you just know that there is something seriously wrong in the universe.

    The "poop cycle," for anybody who is insane enough to be curious about how Robert's mind works, is his theory about crossing time zones and pooping. Having never traveled more than three time zones in his life, one might wonder how Robert could come up with something like this, but he insists that a trip to Walt Disney World five years ago has permanently damaged his health, and who am I to argue?

    Robert claims that his morning run to the toilet became synced to Eastern Time while spending a week in Florida, and never entirely synced back to Pacific Time once he returned. This means he has to wake up three hours early each morning so he can take care of business. Needless to say he's a little upset by that, and hasn't left our time zone since. I argue that this is his body telling him that he needs to move to the east coast, but he worries that failed poop syncing adjustments are cumulative, and has no desire to poop at 2:00 AM unless he's paid to get up that early.

    Maybe the answer is a trip to Hawaii to move things forward, but I refuse to get into a conversation with Robert about his pooping habits because I am terrified as to where it might lead.

    Alas, I have no such problems. I don't even get jet-lag. For some mysterious reason, my body just adapts to whatever time zone I happen to be in with no questions asked. Of course, as an insomniac, I only sleep 4-5 hours each night, so maybe it's because I'm already so messed up that I don't have to worry about jet-lag or my poop cycle.

    Anyway...

    I stumbled across a nifty photo I took when looking through my vacation photos. While I was in Santorini, I went to the Prehistoric Thira Museum there. It's small, but well appointed. One of my favorite exhibits was a wall painting of blue monkeys from the 17th century (and that's B.C.)...

    Santorini Blue Monkeys

    Big chunks of the mural have been reconstructed and reinterpreted, but it's still pretty cool. My theory is that it was really painted by actual monkeys...

    Blue Monkeys

    Kind of a post-impressionistic interpretation of ancient monkey times in blue.

    UPDATE: WTF?!? This morning I wake up and have internet, but now my blog is down? I guess that's what I get for blogging about poop and blue monkeys.

       

    Viewed

    Posted on Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

    Dave!As I mentioned a while back, I tune-in to The View from time to time. Much like a car wreck (or Jay Leno) it's one of those things that you just can't help watching even though the entertainment value is questionable. What keeps me coming back is the outlandish political commentary that permeates the show's "Hot Topics" every day. Representing The Left, you have Rosie O'Donnell and Joy Behar. Representing The Right, you have Elizabeth Hasselbeck. And representing People Who Can't Form a Coherent Sentence, you have Barbara Walters.

    Not surprisingly The View leans quite a bit to The Left because The Right is so woefully under-represented. This is kind of a bummer for a show that is supposed to feature different viewpoints, but Elizabeth's never-ending regurgitation of Conservative propaganda has me looking for George Bush's hand shoved up her ass, because I'm convinced she's got to be some kind of puppet. Rosie may be crazy and Joy may reduce everything to a punch-line, but at least they can form an original thought.

    I don't know what the heck Barbara is for. Fortunately, she's gone half the time.

    Anyway, there was a nasty fight between Rosie and Elizabeth today that was pretty messed up. It's not that I give a crap about any of the pre-programmed rhetoric Elizabeth says, but Rosie is just plain dangerous. Much like dumb-fuck Bill O'Reilly on the opposite side of the political nut-job spectrum, her unyielding black and white view of the world is part of the horrible wedge that is dividing and destroying this country...

    Political Sanity
    I put Jesus in the middle because he's supposed to love everybody.

    Without any measure of compromise or an attempt to understand one another, people like this are doing far more harm than good, and nothing is ever going to get better for us. There's nothing wrong with having strong opinions or being Left or Right, but to go to such an extreme that there is no room for anything else in your thinking is sad. For a public figure to incite others to do the same is reckless and irresponsible. I respect people with strong convictions who are brave enough to speak their beliefs, but a closed mind should have a closed mouth.

    Naturally this goes double for the politicians who are betraying their duty to serve all the people they have pledged to represent.

    Which is why, when it comes to politics, I shun the dumbfuckery and choose to listen to a speaker of order amongst the chaos. A beacon of hope in a world of darkness. A voice of reason in a time of insanity.

    I am talking, of course, about SpongeBob Squarepants...

    SpongeBob Hero

    Words to live by: Good people don't rip other people's arms off. — SpongeBob Squarepants.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  30 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Moblogging

    Posted on Thursday, May 24th, 2007

    Dave!No internet again. I give up.

    Is there a dictionary out there for texting from a mobile phone, because this is taking forever? i nd 2 lrn 2 txt...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Skywalker

    Posted on Saturday, May 26th, 2007

    Dave!I remember it as if it were yesterday.

    I did not see Star Wars in a theater when it was first released. I saw it at a drive-in later that summer. This was kind of a bummer because the picture... and especially the sound... at a drive-in is pretty crappy. But it was still Star Wars, and I remember being completely and totally absorbed from the moment that Star Destroyer crossed the screen. It was more than my 11-year-old mind could fathom, and my life (like so many others) had just been changed forever.

    Princess Dave Organa
    Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope...

    To say I became obsessed with Star Wars is an understatement of epic proportions.

    I bought everything Star Wars I could afford from my allowance or beg out of my parents. I collected the action figures and toys (when they were eventually released the next year). I devoured the comic book adaptation. I started drawing Star Wars stories of my own (Dart Vader lives!). I even made my own Star Wars films using stuffed animals, a 16mm movie camera, and time-consuming stop-motion photography. I was a pioneer in special effects, using a magnifying glass and permanent markers to draw laser blasts and lightsabers directly on the film. My world revolved around Star Wars, and once I rented the movie on VHS for the 100th time, I didn't want my old world back.

    But it was three years later that my obsession would be rewarded with one of the greatest movies of all time: The Empire Strikes Back. Everything that made Star Wars such an incredible experience was doubled. The action was intense. The special effects were mind-blowing. But most important of all, the story was brilliant. It was everything you hope for in a sequel, but rarely get. It was... it is... the perfect film.

    Sadly, things took a drastic dive after Empire, but that did nothing to diminish my enthusiasm for all things Star Wars, even to this very day.

    I lived through the heinous embarrassment of the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. I survived all the inane burp and fart jokes that all but destroyed Star Wars credibility. I endured through the devastating "acting" of Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen in the awful, awful prequels. I remained faithful as Lucas butchered his original brilliance in "special editions" where Greedo shoots first. I stuck it out as serious science fiction was degraded for the sake of making toys. But despite it all (or perhaps because of it all?), I still love Star Wars.

    Star Wars Logo

    Which is why today, in celebration of 30 years of Star Wars, I am re-watching all the movies on DVD while I get some work done.

    Hmmm...

    Boy was Luke Skywalker a whiny little bitch back at the beginning! I still wince when I hear: "But I was going into Toshi's Station to pick up some powerrrr converterrrrrrrs!" or "Uncle Owennnnn! This R-2 unit has a bad motivatorrrrrr!" and most of all "It's just not fairrrrrr!" I can't believe that Han never bitch-slapped the little whiner. Hard.

    Oh well. I guess it all turned out okay in the end.

    At least until George Lucas had Hayden Christensen show up as a Jedi Ghost at the end of Jedi and screwed it all up.

    Categories: Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 32

    Posted on Sunday, May 27th, 2007

    Dave!It's a Bullet Sunday Holiday! Well, not really... I'm still catching up on piles and piles of work over Memorial Day weekend. But at least it's quiet.

    • DaveToons. While I was on vacation, I worked on one of the many animated sequences for my video. I'm guessing that I'm about 25%-30% finished now. The cool thing about the project is that I am trying really hard to put Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey in places and situations I've never drawn before. It helps to keep things interesting to me so I don't get bored. Outer-space seemed to be a natural, but since I had already done Star Wars and Star Trek stuff before, I decided to take a more "reality-based" approach this time, choosing instead to make them astronaut heroes...

    DaveToons Animation Boards

    DaveToons Animation Boards

    DaveToons Animation Boards

    • Robin. One of my favorite Disney toons when I was a kid was Robin Hood. Growing up, I continued to enjoy the character, and was glad that there were plenty of books and movies to explore. Unfortunately, the movies were dated and crappy, but in the mid-80's there was a British television series called Robin of Sherwood which is probably the best interpretation of the character I've ever seen (even when Jason Connery took over for the amazing Michael Praed after series two). The show was tough and gritty, filled with brilliant acting and an almost spiritual reverence for the characters.I've re-watched the episodes many times, and purchased the DVD set a while back. Then in 1991 disaster struck. The Kevin Costner movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was unleashed. This steaming pile of shit was beyond bad, and killed Robin to me for years. Flash forward a decade-and-a-half, and the BBC has taken another stab at Robin Hood with a 13-episode series which has also been airing on BBC America. This time they've attempted to modernize the story a bit, with mixed results...

    Robin Hood

    On one hand, they did try to do away with Robin as some kind of poser prancing through the forest in tights and blow-dry hair. This Robin is a mangy scavenger which seems more realistic to me. In addition, they've done a fairly good job of casting the roles, and have filmed the show beautifully, with lush photography and some nice cinematography. Where the show falls flat is that it's a bit boring and drawn-out. Robin starts out as a kind of wimpy pacifist, and there's not a lot of action to be had. In the end I'd have to say I liked it okay, but it still pales in comparison to Robin of Sherwood, which is a real shame. It's my understanding that they have started filming a second series, so I can only hope that the show will improve as it moves forward... the world needs Robin Hood now more than ever.

    • Fuzz. Finally got to see Hot Fuzz this weekend and absolutely loved it. Coming from the creators of the fantastic comedy-horror film Shaun of the Dead, this is a tongue-in-cheek look at all those quaint English countryside tele-dramas... but nicely blended with comedy, action, violence, and occasional gory situations. As if that wasn't enough, there's actually a really good mystery story to build upon, and all the acting is top-notch. Much of the humor and situations will be lost on American audiences, but I think that's why it's so amazing... they dumbed it down for nobody. Brilliant writer/star Simon Pegg was not afraid to start the film out slow, gradually building to a violent and action-packed finale that will have Shaun of the Dead fans cheering.

    Hot Fuzz

    In the movie, London police officer Nicholas Angel is so good at his job that he's making everybody else on the force look bad. The solution? Ship him off to the boring English countryside where he won't have the opportunity to show up anybody. But things are never quite what they seem, even in the sleepy village of Sandford, where everybody has secrets and a shocking mystery is waiting to be uncovered. Five stars from me.

    • Fascism. When I made my Blogography Political Sanity Chart last Wednesday, a couple of people asked why I didn't have Ann Coulter on it representing the Nut-Job Right. The reason is that such a hateful, fascist, moronic, lying bitch would throw off the entire balance, causing the chart to be completely messed up like this...

    Political Sanity 2

    Ann Coulter goes beyond "dangerous" and skates right up to "total fucking destruction." Her never-ending parade of hate and lies is so horrendously bad for this country that the damage she's done is incalculable. She professes to love America, but preaches against everything this country stands for. She's nothing but a skanky whore that will say anything, anything... regardless of consequences... to sell her piece of shit books. The fact that people even listen to what she has to say is surely a sign of the Apocalypse. Ann Coulter is representative of everything that is wrong with the USA, and indicative of all we must triumph over before we can come together and start rebuilding the America we once were.
    "I take the Biblical idea. God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees... God says, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" — Ann Coulter (obviously living up to her really fucked-up interpretation of The Bible).

    Ugh. Time to get back to work. And I had better think of washing clothes too, because my pile of dirty vacation clothes is starting to smell funny...

       

    Backup

    Posted on Monday, May 28th, 2007

    Dave!In what has become a kind of annual Memorial Day tradition for me, I made comprehensive backups of all my computers today. Even though I regularly back-up my data, it's always nice to start over again fresh. The down-side of starting fresh is that I've accumulated quite a pile of external hard drives over the years... nine, to be exact. When I started, all my data would easily fit on a 60gig drive. This time it took two 500gig drives. Surprisingly, my excessive storage needs are not due to porn.

    My problem is that I just can't throw anything away.

    I have files dating back to the late 80's... text files... Usenet posts... old drawings... even a few photos from the very beginning of digital photography (at a stunning 320 x 240 pixels!). All of it's crap, of course, but it's sentimental crap from the early days of computing and I just can't bear to get rid of it. I'm crazy sentimental that way.

    But I guess if there's a day to feel all sentimental, it would be Memorial Day.

    As I was backing up my DaveToons folder, I ran across one that I drew up, but never used...

    Mac and PC

    Probably because I thought it was too subtle or something.

    From working all weekend, I'm about half-way caught up with the work that piled up while I was on vacation. Go me.

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Ugly

    Posted on Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

    Dave!Today some crazy bitch started screaming at me in the parking lot of the mini-mart as I was running in to buy a bag of Sun Chips and a King-Size Reeses for breakfast. I have no idea why, and didn't really care enough to find out. She was gone when I left, and that's all that mattered.

    Now I'm kind of regretting that she didn't wait for me to come out and attack me or something, because then I would have had something to blog about tonight. As it is, I've got nothing. Just work. And maybe a few television shows off the TiVo to catch up on.

    And speaking of television... now that Veronica Mars has been cancelled, it's tough for me to decide what my favorite show on television should be. Since I haven't seen any of the new shows they'll be running this Fall, I'm beginning to think it might be Ugly Betty. The show never stops surprising me...

    Fugly Dave
    Holy shit! It's Fugly Davy!

    Seriously, just when you think they've run out of ways to keep the series interesting, they hit you with another shock. And, unlike shows like Lost, the mysteries on Betty are wrapped up before they become boring, and they then move on to something even more interesting. The season finale dropped more than a couple of bombshells that have me more interested in the show than ever.

    Don't ask me how they've managed to trap me into liking it, because I have no idea. Usually I run away from crap like this... RUN LIKE THE WIND!

    Okay, maybe not "run"... but I definitely would change the channel with my remote.

    UPDATE: TV Shows On DVD is reporting that the complete first season of Ugly Betty will be released on August 21.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Denny's

    Posted on Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

    Dave!This morning I woke up craving Spaghetti. And not just any spaghetti, but the crappy Chef Boyardee spaghetti that comes in a can. Never one to deny myself anything, I found some in the back of my cupboard and heated it up. But canned spaghetti seems kind of weird and squishy to be having for breakfast, so I dumped some corn flakes on top and it was all good.

    The problem is that I didn't eat enough of it, and was still hungry as I was heading out the door to visit my dentist for a teeth cleaning. Since I had already brushed my teeth, I didn't want to eat any Chef Boyardee leftovers for fear of having spaghetti-breath. So instead decided to have a lime popsicle.

    It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I immediately realized my mistake when I pulled up to the dentist office and looked in my rear-view mirror to make sure I didn't have anything stuck in my teeth...

    Dave's Green Tongue

    Well fuck.

    Can't... catch... a... break...

    Faced with the embarrassing prospect of having my dentist see me with a bright green tongue, I search for anything I could use to wipe it off. I started with a few napkins I had in the glovebox... moved on to some tissues I found in my side-pocket... then ultimately ended up scraping my tongue with a Swiffer Duster I found under the seat.

    A lot of the toxic color came off my tongue, but I still had a nice green cast as I walked through the door.

    I'm fairly certain both my hygienist and dentist think that I am completely insane now, despite not having said anything about my freakishly green tongue... but what else is new?

    Still unsatisfied after Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and a lime popsicle, I decided to drop by Denny's for some kind of brunch-type meal. If you've never been, I can tell you that nothing makes you appreciate getting older than eating at Denny's at 10:30 in the morning. The place was crawling with the elderly, and I'm guessing the median age must have been at least 85 years old.

    It was the most entertaining meal I've had in ages.

    These crotchety old people bitch about everything. They fight about everything. They get away with everything.

    Take the couple sitting behind me...

    OLD MAN: I want bacon!
    OLD WOMAN: You like the pancakes! Order the pancakes!
    OLD MAN: I WANT BACON OR HAM, DAMMIT!
    OLD WOMAN: THEN ORDER YOUR DAMN BACON, BUT YOU'LL NEVER EAT IT!
    OLD MAN: I'M HUNGRY AND I'LL EAT IT!
    OLD WOMAN: No you won't.
    OLD MAN: YES I WILL EAT IT, AND I'M ORDERING IT!!
    OLD WOMAN: Then get the Grand Slam, you get bacon with your pancakes.
    OLD MAN: I'm going to get the Slim Slam so I can get some eggs.
    OLD WOMAN: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR PANCAKES?!? YOU DON'T GET PANCAKES WITH A SLIM SLAM!
    OLD MAN: YES YOU DO GET PANCAKES!! IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE MENU, DAMMIT!
    WAITRESS: Hello there! Have you decided what you'd like to have?
    OLD MAN: I WANT THE SLIM SLAM WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS, HAM, AND STRAWBERRIES ON MY PANCAKES!!!
    WAITRESS: Errr... okay. And for you ma'am?
    OLD WOMAN: Oh! I don't know what I want yet!
    OLD MAN: HAH!! YOU WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO ORDER WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE!! STUPID WOMAN!
    OLD WOMAN: OH SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
    WAITRESS: Why don't I give you a few more minutes...
    OLD MAN: BUT I WANT MY HAM!!

    People dread getting older. They fight the aging process every chance they get. I'm just the opposite. I so totally can't wait to get old so I can act like a spoiled two-year-old in public without having to worry about what people are going to think. Once I turn 85, I'm not going to give a fuck about anything... A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to do it.

    Which is pretty much how I am right now, but I'm betting I won't feel nearly as guilty about it.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blahhhhg!

    Posted on Thursday, May 31st, 2007

    Dave!Do you ever have those days when the last thing on earth you want to do is write in your blog?

    That's me today. Well, maybe it's not the last thing... I mean, I'd rather write in my blog than be kicked in the balls, for example. But it's definitely on my list of things I don't want to do today.

    Not that I actually have such a list but, if I did, it would probably look like this...

    THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY...

    1. Read a book by Ann Coulter.
    2. Watch The 700 Club.
    3. Die.
    4. Get kicked in the balls.
    5. Be trapped in an elevator playing Kenny G.
    6. Have diarrhea.
    7. Listen to politicians.
    8. Eat a salad.
    9. Argue.
    10. Be called for jury duty.
    11. Use a Windows PC.
    12. Go jogging.
    13. Talk to my lawyer.
    14. Pay bills.
    15. Think of something I don't want to do for #15 on my list of Things I Don't Want To Do Today.
    16. Smell cooked cauliflower.
    17. Read email.
    18. Go shopping.
    19. Scrub the toilet.
    20. Write in my blog.

    Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Hopefully I will feel different tomorrow, otherwise I'll end up having to post naked pictures or something...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Small

    Posted on Friday, June 1st, 2007

    Dave!Sometimes things happen in life that make a person feel so very small and insignificant...

    Small Dave

       

    As somebody who tries to live larger than life, this is not a happy feeling for me.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  41 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Spell

    Posted on Saturday, June 2nd, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    I just don't get the massive excitement over the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee. Heck, I don't understand the excitement over any spelling bee. Because, when you think about it, the fact that the English language is so f#@%ed up that they can build contests around how to spell words is kind of embarrassing. You would think any language worth its salt would have words you could spell just by hearing somebody pronounce them. The fact that you can't do so with English leads me to think that something is broken.

    And, as if the embarrassment wasn't bad enough, I find spelling bees incredibly boring and artificially dramatic.

    Take for instance the mind-numbing routine that contestants go through for even the simplest of words...

    ANNOUNCER: Your word is "cat."
    CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word please?
    ANNOUNCER: Cat.
    CONTESTANT: Can you use it in a sentence?
    ANNOUNCER: Mrs. brown liked to stroke her pet cat.
    CONTESTANT: What is the origin of the word?
    ANNOUNCER: It's Middle English derived from Old English and Germanic languages.
    CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word again?
    ANNOUNCER: Cat.
    CONTESTANT: Are there any alternate pronunciations for the word?
    ANNOUNCER: No.
    CONTESTANT: May I have the definition?
    ANNOUNCER: A small carnivorous mammal which has been domesticated since early times.
    CONTESTANT: That's pronounced "cat?"
    ANNOUNCER: Yes.
    CONTESTANT: May I have the extended definition?
    ANNOUNCER: Any of the various mammals of the family Felidae, including lions and tigers.
    CONTESTANT: Can I hear it in a sentence again?
    ANNOUNCER: Mrs. brown liked to stroke her pet cat.
    CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word?
    ANNOUNCER: Cat.
    CONTESTANT: What part of speech is that?
    ANNOUNCER: It's a noun.
    CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word one more time?
    ANNOUNCER: Cat.
    CONTESTANT: K-H-A-A-T.
    ANNOUNCER: =DING!= I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

    In contrast to that bullshit, here would be the Dave National Spelling Bee...

    DAVE: Your word is "cat."
    CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word please?
    DAVE: WHAT?!? It's cat! Your word is f#@%ing CAT! You are in a national spelling bee and can't spell cat?!?
    CONTESTANT: Can you use it in a sentence?
    DAVE: Get the f#@% off my stage, bitch!

    Now I would absolutely tune in to watch that shit... but to watch the ESPN coverage of Scripps would make me lose my mind. Because, seriously, now that all the computers have spell-check, what's the point? And it's not like anybody uses even a fraction of the words they make you spell anyway. Trapanasomiasis? Cephalalgia? Appoggiatura? Are you serious?

    How about they start having a GRAMMAR competition? Watching somebody who knows the difference between "their" and "they're"... now that's exciting.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 33

    Posted on Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    I'm pretending it's Sunday so I can whip out some bullets that will post when the most magical day of the week appears!

    • Health Food... Why is it every time I find a new food I like that I have to go looking at the Nutrition Facts, only to find out that eating it will kill me? The Schwan's Man had a brand new item called "Grilled Cheese Toastwiches," which have all the deliciousness of a grilled cheese sandwich, but without the back-breaking labor of having to put cheese between slices of bread and heating it up. Nope, with Grilled Cheese Toastwiches, you just pop them in the toaster! Sweet! At least they were, until I found out each piece has 25% of the daily amount of saturated fat you should eat in a day. This sucks ass! Especially since I've already had three pieces today. I guess that means I am 75% closer to death.

    • Kaleidoscope Toons... Posting yet another couple of frames showing progress with my DaveToon video. This is another scene I worked on while I was on vacation. Much of the video has lots of animated elements, so I was trying to come up with some simpler scenes to break things up a bit. Believe it or not, these always end up taking far more time to animate than the ones with far more going on. I have no idea why...

    Kaleidoscope Video

    Kaleidoscope Video

    In the final video, I had planned for the kaleidoscope background to have some kind of filter applied to it... possibly one that makes it look more "dreamy." But the more I look at the scene in motion, the more I question a need for a filter, because the bright colors are a nice contrast to the black suits. =Sigh= I can see that completing the animation for this project is going to be just the beginning...

    • World Round... As I was updating my travel map to reflect my recent vacation, I noticed that my trip to Egypt means I can check another continent off my list. Granted, it's not a lot of Africa to have seen, but it still counts! That leaves just three continents left to see: South America, Australia, and... ANTARCTICA?!? South America and Australia will almost certainly happen one day, but Antarctica? Doing a little research, I find that it's not as difficult as I had first thought to visit, because there are tour ships that go there. All it takes is money. Lots of money. The good news is that it would be an automatic two-for-one trip, because all the tours leave from South America. The bad news is that the cost is also two-for-one... first you've got to spend the money to get to Cape Horn, then you've got the cost of the ship tour on top of it. Does anybody have around $15,000 burning a hole in their pocket to finance my Antarctic adventure?

    • Members Project... American Express has unveiled "The Members Project," which is a program whereas cardholders can submit ideas for a prize up to five million dollars so they can make a positive impact on the world. It's actually a pretty cool idea, and they lined up some all-star talent to advertise it in a commercial. You get Martin Scorsese directing, who also appear in the spot along with Andre Agassi, Sheryl Crow, Ellen DeGeneres, Alicia Keys, and skateboarder Shaun White. The odd part is that the commercial is interrupted by a guy from "the office next door" who is named "Tim." This is the same guy that does the video introduction at the Members Project website...

    Member's Project
    "People fought wars just so we could eat pizza on the wrong night!" —Norris Michelsky

    But here's the thing... "Tim" isn't just some random guy. I'm pretty sure it's actor David Alan Basche, who has been in a number of television and movie projects, including one of my favorite shows ever, Oh Grow Up! In many ways, this makes him a bigger star to me than any of the "big-name" stars in the commercial, which is why it cracked me up when I saw it. I also get mad that Oh Grow Up! hasn't been released on DVD, but that's beside the point.

    • Cattlecar Galaxica... I was very disappointed to learn that, in addition to Veronica Mars being canceled, Battlestar Galactica is ending after the upcoming fourth season. If there's one piece of good news about it, the decision to end the show came directly from the producers. They saw that the story was heading to an ending, and decided to take it there rather than draw things out until nobody cared anymore. I sure hope that some decent shows arrive for the new Fall TV season... because if this keeps up, there won't be anything on for me to watch.

    Well that wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be... I should pretend it's Sunday every day!

       

    Kapgar

    Posted on Monday, June 4th, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    Not only do I have to pretend it's Monday, but I also have to pretend to write in somebody else's blog! Assuming that everything went as planned and I found somebody to post my entry, I'm filling in over at Kapgar today. But be forewarned, I used this as a shameless opportunity to draw up some DaveToons that I've never been brave enough to post in my own blog. Somehow it doesn't bother me to sink to new levels of tastelessness and debauchery on somebody else's blog though. I'm such a cheeky bastard.

    Click here to read it... if you dare.

       

    Future

    Posted on Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

    Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

    I've just written five entries (plus a guest-blogger entry!) to post while I am distracted from blogging for a bit, which means I've got two to go until I (hopefully) return to "live" daily blogging again next this Thursday. The problem is that I have nothing left to write about. Well, I probably do, but I've been future-blogging for almost two hours now and feel empty. Things become even more complicated when you consider how the world of next Tuesday might have changed since I wrote this entry (and how disappointing would it be if the planet explodes before this is even posted?).

    So I decided to make a list of nine cool things that could happen in the next five days before this entry posts. Why nine? Because it fits so nicely in a three-by-three grid...

    Dave to the Future!

    • DirecTV adds the Elizabeth Hurley Channel which runs her films, shows, and appearances 24/7.
    • Pat Robertson's hateful, idiotic ass is caught in a gay porn sex scandal and he is never seen again.
    • Steve Jobs announces that he is running for President of the United States of America.
    • Apple ships MacOS X Leopard four months early.
    • Somebody at Coca Cola Company realizes they were stupid, and brings back Coke with Lime.
    • Somebody at the WB Network realizes they were stupid, and un-cancels Veronica Mars.
    • Sony Pictures Home Entertainment announces that Jeremy Piven's Cupid is being released on DVD.
    • A wealthy Blogography fan puts me in their will, then dies leaving me ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
    • Flying cars! We finally get our f#@%ing flying cars!!

    Wow... can I just interject here to say that Kristen Bell and I would make a cute couple? She should totally date me!

    Anyway, now that I am done playing Nostradaveus, I suppose I should get to work on my (hopefully) final prerecorded entry. Heaven only knows what I will come up with to write... maybe I should just draw a DaveToon and be done with it? Though I just finished drawing four of them for Kapgar, so I don't know if I really feel like doing another one tonight.

    If only I could find those naked pictures, my problem would be solved...

       

    Wagon

    Posted on Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

    Dave!

    Dave Wagon

       

       

       

    Assist

    Posted on Thursday, June 7th, 2007

    Dave!

    Monkey Wagon

       

       

       

    Speed

    Posted on Friday, June 8th, 2007

    Dave!

    Dave's Fast Wagon

       

    OMG! I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW TO BLOG!!

    But if that doesn't frighten you away, I ramble on for quite a bit in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Scheduled

    Posted on Saturday, June 9th, 2007

    Dave!It occurs to me, after having spent the last two days scheduling the next three months of my life, that every single day from now through August is completely booked. I sure hope I don't get sick or something... I just don't have time for that kind of nonsense. Even more disappointing, I don't have room in my schedule to play video games.

    It was then that I started taking a look at my daily activities to see where my time goes. I figure if I can identify wasted minutes in my routine, I can apply them to something more worthwhile... like unlocking "Bounty Hunter Mode" in Xbox Lego Star Wars 2.

    Here is what I came up with to add more time in a day...

    • Wear "Depends" adult diapers to eliminate time spent going to the bathroom (15-20 minutes).
    • Don't shower or clean up in the morning (15 minutes).
    • Don't wash clothes (30 minutes).
    • Stop reading other people's blogs (1-2 hours).
    • Stop writing in my own blog (15-20 minutes).
    • Stop eating (1 hour).
    • Don't sleep anymore (4-5 hours).
    • Stop replying to emails and delete them instead (1-2 hours).
    • Stop watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (1 hour).
    • Stop watching everything else on television (2-4 hours).
    • Stop surfing the internet for porn (4 hours).
    • Quit working (11-18 hours).

    The beauty of this plan is that even the worst-case scenario frees up 27 hours in my schedule every day... while the best-case scenario gives me a whopping 36 extra hours! Just think of all the fun stuff I could do with 36 free hours in my day! Not only would I have time to completely finish Xbox Star Wars Lego 2, but I'd also finally have time to play Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on my Wii.

    I suppose the alternative to such a drastic change in my lifestyle would be to multi-task. Perhaps I could go to the bathroom, surf for porn, eat, and watch television all at the same time? I'd do all that while taking a shower, but I don't think my MacBook is waterproof.

    And now I'm off to Seattle. I think that I will drive double the speed limit so I can cut my travel time in half. I prefer to think of this as "time management" as opposed to "illegal."

    I'm sure the police will feel the same way once I explain how I've finally unlocked Lando Calrissian as a playable character in Xbox Star Wars Lego 2, and need to rescue Han from the bounty hunter.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 34

    Posted on Sunday, June 10th, 2007

    Dave!I'm blogging Bullet Sunday and don't even have an internet connection to post it!

    • Driven... I really don't like driving over to Seattle when it's raining, because people tend to drive like morons when it's wet out. Yesterday proved to be no exception, as my two-hour trip stretched into three full hours of non-stop torture. I need to become a billionaire so I can afford to hire a car and driver to handle this stuff for me. Then I could just sit back and play Nintendo or watch movies, which sounds a lot better than screaming my head off all afternoon at stupid people who don't know how to drive.

    • Olympic... The London 2012 Olympic Games logo has been revealed, and I just don't get it. Every designer I talk to is absolutely horrified that this thing is in any way indicative of the direction graphic design is heading. I can only guess that the team working on the logo decided to continue the shocking trend of abandoning good design principles that's been going around lately, and extrapolate how bad things will get five years from now when the logo will actually be in use. If this end result is indicative of what I'm going to be expected to design in 2012, I might as well quit my job and start a new career. I wonder if I would get Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes for free if I took a job at Taco Bell?

    2012 Olympics Logo London

    • Hi-Def... Now that my piece-of-shit Panasonic DVD Player/Recorder, which has never been able to record a single DVD, has decided that it doesn't want to play any DVDs either, I'm in the market for a new machine. I'm thinking that I would like to go for an HD player now that the prices are starting to come down, but am really confused by the whole "HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray" format war that's going on. I like Sony equipment okay so I was thinking of going with Blu-Ray, but since I don't think that Sony hasn ever had a successful media format (Beta Tape, MiniDisc, and ATRAC come to mind), I wonder if that would be wise. I guess when I have some free time in about three months, I'll have to sit down and do some research. With any luck, one format will win out by then, but I'm not holding my breath.

    &bull iPhonery... As TV commercials are released for Apple's iPhone, I find myself wanting one more and more. Whether I actually end up getting one is going to depend on how expensive AT&T Mobile makes it to own one. Because if I buy an iPhone, I am absolutely going to want to use all the cool features it has, and to do that will almost certainly require an unlimited data access plan. If this is going to cost more than $30 a month, I don't know that it would be worth the cost... no matter how cool it is. Oh well, there's a mere 19 days until we find out, so I guess all will be revealed soon enough...

    Iphone

    I hope the local McDonalds has internet so I can post this when I stop for breakfast tomorrow morning. Nothing quite like surfing the web while eating an Egg & Cheese Biscuit and a carton of milk on a Monday morning.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Tourista

    Posted on Monday, June 11th, 2007

    Dave!I don't know why, but tourists tend to stand out more in Seattle than they do in other cities.

    It's not that the tourists are any more or less annoying here, they just seem to be badly out of place somehow. And I'm not talking about the superficial things like walking around with cameras, maps, and guide books and stuff, it's just something in the way they move and react that doesn't feel right. Could just be me, but when I bring it up with other people... even friends who are here being tourists themselves... they get what I am talking about.

    Though, just like everywhere else on the planet, you do run into the occasional stupid tourist. People who show up with no clue as to where they are or what they are doing. A classic example could be had as I was standing in line at hotel registration this morning. Two dumbass bitches cut in front of me (with one of them screaming "I JUST NEED TO ASK A QUICK QUESTION!!") and yelled at the front desk guy "IS THERE A STARBUCKS NEARBY? WE WANT COFFEE!!"

    To his credit, the guy was really professional and told them that there were shops on either side of the hotel. This was really nice of him, because my reply would have been something more like "BITCH, YOU ARE IN F#@%ING DOWNTOWN SEATTLE! THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY STARBUCKS WITHIN A FIVE-MINUTE WALK OF THIS HOTEL! JUST TRIP YOUR STUPID ASS OUT THE DOOR AND OPEN YOUR F#@%ING EYES!* Which is actually kind of an understatement. Asking where to find a Starbucks in downtown Seattle is like walking into a strip club and asking where the titties are, because they're all around you...

    Seattle Starbucks Map
    Map taken from the totally cool FindByClick site.

    On the bright side, I sure do have a nice view from my hotel room. Since I will be sitting here all day working, that's pretty sweet. The monorail track is right below my window, so I get to watch the trains go back and forth...

    Hotel Seattle View

    In other news, my personal hero Steve Jobs delivered the keynote address to a crowd of Mac developer whores at Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference today (you can watch a video of it here). There wasn't really any revolutionary news coming out of San Francisco this morning, just more pretty demos of the next MacOS (code-named Leopard). Overall, I remain impressed, and can't wait until October to get my copy.

    But one piece of Leopard is available today... the beta of Apple's Safari web browser. It's pretty cool, adding long-desired features like movable tabs, resizable text entry boxes, and inline search...

    Safari Inline Search

    Apple has also released a version of Safari for Windows which may turn out to be a really smart move. If a nice chunk of Windows sufferers start using Safari, perhaps web developers will work harder to make their stuff more compatible with my browser of choice. I question as to whether this can actually happen, but I guess it's worth a try.

    Anyway, I have a Johnny Rockets' Streamliner Burger with no grilled onions (add cheese) calling my name for dinner, and then I need to rush right back so I can try to get some sleep before a very busy day of work tomorrow.

    Gee... does anybody know if there is a McDonalds in Seattle for breakfast in the morning?

    * Please excuse the harsh language... I've been watching HBO's "revolutionary" and "ground-breaking" new show John from Cincinnati. I find the show's story of a child-like stranger who changes people's lives to be boring, predictable, and a total rip-off of the film/show Starman. The only thing "revolutionary" and "groundbreaking" is that the characters say "f#@%" about ten times in every sentence. Which, I suppose, is to be expected from the producers of HBO's previous overly-profanity-laden series Deadwood. Bleh.

       

    Paprika

    Posted on Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

    Dave!"The 24-bit eggplant will be analyzed!"

    I always pay a visit to Rotten Tomatoes before I even think about seeing a movie. But when I noticed that Satoshi Kon had a new film out called パプリカ (Papurika = Paprika) I didn't care what any critic might have to say. This is the genius behind one of the best animated films ever, Millennium Actress, and I knew immediately that I simply must see it. I had essentially been working two jobs all day, and this was just what I needed to decompress before going back to the hotel for another five hours of work that still needed to be done.

    Turns out I didn't need to worry. Rotten Tomatoes has an aggregated score of 90% Fresh for Paprika, and I totally loved it.

    Paprika4

    The story centers around a brilliant woman psychologist named Dr. Chiba who is working with a team of dream research scientists. Thanks to the invention of a device known as "DC Mini" she can enter the dreams of patients as her psychic alter-ego, Paprika, and help them with their psychological problems. Unfortunately, a set of three DC Mini devices are stolen, and somebody is using them to merge reality into the dream world. It's now up to Dr. Chiba/Paprika to figure out how to track down the devices, find out who is behind the theft, and save the world from madness.

    The result is a mind-bending explosions of animated imagery that's about the coolest thing you'll see this year.

    Paprika1

    Paprika2

    Paprika3

    To be honest though, this movie will not appeal to everybody. People who don't care for Japanese anime may be put off by the fantastical story elements and nonsensical visuals that permeate the film. Another problem is that the plot for Paprika may be difficult to follow for those used to having every last detail spelled out for them, and don't like to use their imagination to fill in the blanks. But if you can put your brain on hold and just go with it, this in one film that's really worth seeing.

    And as much as I enjoyed Paprika, the movie soundtrack is almost even more impressive, and has some very cool music by Susumu Hirasawa (who also scored Millennium Actress). The film's theme song The Girl in Byakkoya has been stuck in my head from the moment the movie started. Fortunately the track is available at the iTunes Music Store, so I can obsess over it until my mind goes mooshy. If you even think you might like Japanese Electronica... you can sample the album at iTMS (Meditation Field and A Drop Filled with Memories are beautiful).

    Lastly, for anybody interested, Apple has the super-sweet movie trailer for Paprika on their QuickTime site, which will give you a taste of what you're in for (turn your volume way up to hear that amazing Hirasawa soundtrack!).

    How depressing that Japan regularly cranks out these amazing animated art-pieces that are challenging and thought-provoking, and we get tired retread shit like Shrek III. Blargh.

    Categories: Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Sympathy

    Posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

    Dave!I am about ready to cry.

    And I don't mean actually cry... like when you get kicked in the balls... or Veronica Mars gets canceled... or you have kidney stones or something. I'm talking about that fake sobbing you do when you want to garner sympathy-sex from your girlfriend or get a cookie from your grandmother. The kind of over-the-top weeping that kids do when things don't go their way.

    All because I'm feeling horrible and I'm exhausted and I just had to drive 2-1/2 hours home.

    And now I have to write in my blog.

    But I don't feel like writing in my blog, so I'm thinking if I cry everybody will feel sorry for me and either offer me sympathy-sex or a cookie. And that would be better than everybody being mad at me because I don't feel like writing anything tonight.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Gunner

    Posted on Thursday, June 14th, 2007

    Dave!I took a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup bar to work today so I'd have something to eat for lunch. Unfortunately, I left it in my car which sat out in 80-degree heat so, instead of peanut butter cups, I had warm peanut butter goo. I ate it anyway... well, not so much "ate" as "sucked it out of the package." While I admit that's pretty sad, the idea of peanut butter and chocolate going to waste just doesn't seem right.

    In other news, my gun finally arrived today.

    When my T-shirt order is printed at the end of the month, I have two small orders that are being shipped to a shop. This was kind of unexpected, as I had only planned to sell them in my Artificial Duck Co. store, but the shop-owner who contacted me was really cool and so I agreed to give it a try. Wanting to be all professional-like, I decided I would tag the shirts just like you see in actual clothing stores.

    To do that, I had to buy a gun and some tags...

    Dave's Tagging Gun

    The tags, which were printed by Moo, look great. But it's the tagging gun that is super-sweet. It's got this giant needle on the front that you can punch through just about anything and put a tag in it. And I have. About the only thing that I haven't tagged yet is parts of my own body. I'm trying to work up the courage to tag my ear, because I think it would look cool...

    Dave Tagged

    Something tells me it would take a lot of alcohol before I would be capable of stabbing myself with a needle gun though.

    Fortunately I have a fifth of Jägermeister in the freezer, so it's all good.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  43 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Paris

    Posted on Friday, June 15th, 2007

    Dave!It's 11:45, I just finished with work for the night, and the only thing I have to blog about is how worried I am about Paris Hilton.

    It's been hours since I have read anything about her in the news or seen anything about her on television. This kind of withdrawal from the daily exploits of her life is very disconcerting, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I think it's grossly unfair that she doesn't at least get a weekly video address to her fans from prison. Sure she did something bad, and I suppose it's only fair she be punished... but should all of us be punished along with her? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

    Paris Hilton Hero
    I so totally (heart) Paris! FREE PARIS!

    The good news is that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie finally made up and are all totally BFFs again, so they filmed another season of The Simple Life. Unfortunately, I have to wait until Monday to see the latest episode...

    Simple Life 5

    It's not as good as being able to open up the current issue of People and seeing what Paris has been up to lately... but I guess it's all I'm going to get until the grave miscarriage of justice that is her imprisonment has been reversed and Paris is free to party again.

    Sigh.

    I haven't been this upset since they took Michael Jackson from us during his imprisonment back in 2003.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Sandwich

    Posted on Saturday, June 16th, 2007

    Dave!Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for verbal violence, mature themes, and massive use of profanity. Text contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...

    Rated R

    Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  43 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 35

    Posted on Sunday, June 17th, 2007

    Dave!It's a busy Bullet Sunday as I prepare once again to head over the mountains...

    • Sometimes you act like a flake... Modern technology is a wonderful thing. Except I am starting to seriously question our application of it to the world we live in. What good is being able to put a man on the moon if my breakfast cereal still goes all soggy in milk? I stepped away from my bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats for like TWO MINUTES so I could see how the meth I was cooking up in the bathroom was doing, and when I got back all I had was a bowl of soggy mush. Isn't there some kind of anti-milk teflon coating that can be put on cereal or something? Soggy flakes suck ass.

    • Nope, still pissed off... Usually after writing a ballistic rant in my blog, I feel kind of bad about it the next day. But not this time. Turns out I still think Quiznos can take their crappy "Italian Caprese" and shove it up their stupid asses. BRING BACK THE VEGGIE SANDWICH!!

    Quiznos Hates Vegetarians

    • Scare the shit INTO me... Speaking of fast food, why is it that the fast food industry always seems to choose freaky-ass mascots to represent their companies? What are they trying to do... scare you into eating their shit?

    Fast Food Mascots

    • I see your Schwartz is as big as mine... Believe it or not, this month is the 20th anniversary of one of my favorite parody films ever... SPACEBALLS! For the longest time I've been hoping for a sequel... but I've just learned something even more special: Mel Brooks is making a Spaceballs animated series!! From what I can find out, the cartoon is due to air on G4 Network this Fall. I have no idea if Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, and Daphne Zuniga will be lending their voices to the show (and, unfortunately, John Candy is no longer with us to participate), but can't wait to see it.

    • Understanding avoidable avoidance... Why is it when people hear something third-party that upsets them, they don't bother to verify it with the person who supposedly said it in the first place? I just got a call from somebody who hasn't spoken to a mutual acquaintance for two years because they were told something totally outrageous that was supposedly said about them. But here's the problem. I was actually there when the event took place, and know for an absolute fact that it was never said. It was a gross exaggeration of something totally unrelated. That's two years of hard feelings, uncomfortable silence, and deceptive avoidance... all of which could have been eliminated if they would have just verified the information. Is there anything sadder? I can't help but wonder how many times people have written me off over something I've never said.

    And, on that note, it's time to pack my suitcase...

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Hat

    Posted on Monday, June 18th, 2007

    Dave!The drive back to Seattle was fairly uneventful. About the only interesting bit was when I hit a wall of fog coming down from the top of Snoqualmie Pass. It was so dense that you were lucky if you could see two car-lengths ahead of you. This made for some tricky maneuvering past vehicles that decided to stop in the middle of the highway.

    After work it was time to hit Johnny Rockets for a veggie burger dinner, and then pick up my new hat. One of my blue Helly Hansen caps had gone missing, so I special-ordered one to replace it...

    Dave's New Hat

    H/H hats always start out this beautiful deep blue color, then eventually fade to a nice dark navy. But the best part is that they shrink to a really good fit after getting wet a couple of times. Nothing quite so nice as a good-fitting cap!

    Fortunately I escaped Helly Hansen with my wallet in-tact. I am not much of a shopper, but I could easily blow through $1000 in about 10 minutes there. I guess everybody has their shopping kryptonite.

    I just wish mine was at someplace less expensive.

    Oooh! I just noticed that my hotel room has a different view than last time! This time I'm overlooking Fantasy Unlimited...

    Fantasy Unlimited
    Fantasy Unlimited... home of "Provocative Playthings!"

    This is kind of a surprise, because I thought that Fantasy Unlimited had gone out of business. They used to be located downtown... I have fuzzy memories of getting totally drunk with friends and goofing off with all the crazy crap they sell there. I'm pretty sure that we were asked to leave once when we decided to have a strap-on cock-fight.

    Hmmm... perhaps I won't sit here and watch television for the rest of the night after all...

       

    Pornotopia

    Posted on Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

    Dave!With my numerous projects and everything else that's been going on, I have been sleeping worse than usual... three to four hours tops. This makes for a very challenging day, because I am a wreck before we even start the job. By the time noon rolls around, I'm totally trashed and have to really struggle to finish up my work. But things are going very, very well on the project, so I guess I can't complain.

    Tonight I had it in my mind that I would try my best to make up for lost sleep.

    After a totally awesome dinner at Il Fornaio, I walked around downtown Seattle past the new Seattle Art Museum (which looks great!), and then down to the Pike Place Market. Everything is closed, of course, but I thought a long walk might tire me out and help me sleep. To make sure of this, I took a handful of sleeping pills, a muscle-relaxer, and a hit of melatonin before hopping into bed at 9:00pm. I wrote a ten-minute blog entry about pasta but, since my hotel doesn't have wireless, I decided to not get out of bed and plug into the internet, but instead go right to sleep and post it tomorrow.

    Come morning I would be either well-rested or dead.

    But since this entry is not about pasta, you can probably guess that something went terribly wrong.

    I dropped off into a drug-induced, coma-like sleep around 9:30 with a decent night's rest practically guaranteed.

    Unfortunately, I was rudely awakened around 11:40pm by somebody knocking on my door...

    GROGGY DAVE: (opens door in his underwear) Yeah?
    MAN IN SUIT: (stands gaping, holding an ice bucket) ?!!???
    GROGGY DAVE: YEAH?!?
    MAN IN SUIT: Uhhhh... I don't suppose my wife is in there?
    GROGGY DAVE: What-?
    MAN IN SUIT: Er, my wife is --
    GROGGY DAVE: GIVE ME A MINUTE TO WIPE THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF HER ASS AND SHE'S ALL YOURS!
    MAN IN SUIT: Uhhhh... I guess I have the wrong room.
    GROGGY DAVE: YA THINK?!? DOES YOUR DOOR HAVE A FRICKIN' DO NOT DISTURB SIGN ON IT?
    MAN IN SUIT: Ah, sorry about that...

    What the hell?

    And, of course, now I can't get back to sleep.

    Shit!

    I wonder if The Lusty Lady is still open... I noticed as I drove by that the shows running are "FANTASTIC 4-play" and "HAIRY SPOTTER." Sounds like down-home, wholesome entertainment to me.

    Though I might be better off watching TV-On-Demand's "Pornotopia, because... well, I dunno... it just sounds classier.

    I am curious to know if I take another couple of sleeping pills whether they will give me some sleep before I have to get up in six hours, or just totally f#@% me up so that I can't function in the morning?

    Holy crap does this suck.

    UPDATE: I took just one sleeping pill and managed to get 4 hours sleep. When added to the 2 hours I got before I was rudely awakened, that's probably the best night's rest I've gotten in weeks! Though I still feel like crap, which kind of sucks.

       

    Bed

    Posted on Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

    Dave!Today was a positively beautiful day in Seattle.

    So stunningly beautiful that I was depressed at the thought of spending all of it inside working. But that's the way life goes, and so all I got to enjoy of it was occasional glimpses out the window.

    When I got back to my hotel room at the end of the day, I decided to look for something fun to do indoors to make up for my lack of fun outdoors. My solution was to push the beds together and make a brand new size of bed...

    Bedsizechart

    Sweet!

    Since it is bigger than all other sizes of beds, I decided to call in the GOD EMPEROR SIZED BED. No matter how tall you are, you'll never run out of leg-room on this baby! About the only problem is trying to find sheets and bedding to fit the thing.

    And that's a darn shame, because it's pretty freakin' comfortable. I think between my new bed and the handful of pills I just took, I might actually get a decent night's sleep tonight.

    Assuming nobody comes banging on my door at some insane hour again.

    I really need to get me an electric cattle prod for such incidents.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    SAM

    Posted on Thursday, June 21st, 2007

    Dave!Thursdays and Fridays the Seattle Art Museum is open until 9:00pm, so I ran down after work to see what had changed after their recent remodeling. The building itself is very nice, and the collection is eclectic and interesting. Overall, it's a nice addition to Seattle's list of attractions, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to visit.

    However...

    One of my biggest museum pet-peeves is museums that don't allow photography, and SAM is just such a museum.

    I see nothing wrong with taking a snapshot of a piece you enjoy so you can remember it later on. Many other museums (a good number of which are far more important than SAM) agree, and are happy to allow photography so long as you turn your flash off. It's just a courtesy to visitors, and nothing more. It's not like viewing a photo could ever replace the experience of standing in front of the actual painting, drawing, sculpture, or other work... so what's the harm?

    As loathsome as anti-photography museums are, they can redeem themselves in my eyes if they sell prints, postcards, and books which contain images of all their works. If I can't take a photo of something I want to remember, being able to take home a postcard is the next best thing, and I'm happy with that. So after coming upon a beautiful Takashi Murakami "Flower Ball" painting, I rushed to the gift shop expecting to find something I could buy with the work printed on it. But they didn't have anything. Not one f#@%ing thing. It didn't even appear in their catalog OR their web site.

    This made me so mad that I felt like walking back to the ticket desk and asking for my $30 donation back.

    But instead I returned to my hotel room and drew me a DaveToon homage to Murakami-san, whose work I absolutely love (for rather obvious reasons!)...

    Murakami Dave!

    Helpful hint to the Seattle Art Museum: If you aren't going to allow people to take photo mementos of their visit, at least offer a way for them to buy a reproduction of your permanent collection in some form... like a postcard or something. This will keep people from getting pissed off at your visitor-hostile policies, and maybe give people even more reason to visit your beautiful museum when they are in town.

    And now I'm off to bed, where I remain hopeful that I can actually manage to get some good sleep tonight.

    This insomnia crap is getting really old.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Puppy

    Posted on Friday, June 22nd, 2007

    Dave!As most Blogography readers have probably already heard, our own "New York City's Watchdog" has shared the unbelievably sad news that he has lost his five-year-old son (known to Cereal Wednesday fans as "Puppy Monster") in a tragic accident.

    At times like this, I truly am at a loss for words. Watchdog is a part of our "blogging family," and my heart goes out to him and his family at this unimaginably difficult time.

    Watchdog and Puppy Monster

    If you'd like to help out, Avitable has set up a donations page via PayPal. If you can't afford to donate, please consider leaving a note of support over at Watchdog's site. I'm sure it will be much appreciated, so thanks in advance for whatever you can do.

    All our thoughts are with you, Watchdog.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  0 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Frightening

    Posted on Saturday, June 23rd, 2007

    Dave!Avitable has just announced that donations have topped $1700 for the Puppy Monster Memorial Fund. Thanks so much to everybody who helped out... it's nice to know that our blogging community steps up to take care of their own during tragic times like this. Money is a soulless thing without conscience. But this money will help a father with the financial burden compounding an already unimaginable situation, and there's nothing soulless about that. If you have even $5 to spare, every little bit helps. Visit Avitable's donation page if you can, and know that what you give goes directly to help out our own NYC Watchdog.

    This morning on the way back from Seattle, I had probably the most frightening experience on the road since I started driving.

    I was on the single-lane stretch of the 522 heading towards Monroe, when a pickup truck came roaring up on my bumper nearly plowing into me. At the last minute they turned sharply, cutting across the centerline. Thankfully it was 5:30am and there was no oncoming traffic or else there would have been a horrible accident. The driver eventually gained control of their vehicle and made it back into our lane, but continued driving erratically. At one point, he tried to pass me... despite the fact that I was already 5 miles over the speed limit AND this was a well-defined, highly-dangerous, no-passing zone.

    I was scared out of my mind... not knowing whether this idiot was tired, drunk, or high. My first instinct was to pull off and let him pass me, but there was a motorcyclist ahead of me. If the guy ran into me, I had thousands of pounds of metal to protect me. If the guy ran into a motorcycle, the rider would be dead. So I stuck it out, watching in horror as the driver weaved all over the road, accelerating to horrific speeds, then fading back.

    When I finally made it to Monroe, I followed the motorcycle into the slow-lane and came to a stop light. I then immediately took out my mobile phone and was ready to call the police once the crazy driver stopped and I could read his license plate. But he didn't stop. He tore through the stoplight going at least 20 miles over the limit in the fast lane, and sped off through town. I fully expected to catch up to the guy in a bad accident, but never saw him again. I hope he didn't kill somebody before he got to where he was going. Asshole.

    The good news is that I went to a screen-printing check for the new Blogography shirts yesterday...

    Dave Shirts

    Dave Shirts

    They're pretty sweet, if I do say so myself. Printing on dark colors is notoriously difficult, because you've got to print a layer of white ink first, but everything seemed to work out okay. Probably because my printer kicks ass. The actual print-run is on Monday, and they should be delivered by the end of the week so I can start shipping orders.

    To those who bought stuff from Artificial Duck Co. and have been patiently waiting for their order to ship, there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to everybody for your patience as I worked through some personal stuff this month, and sorry again for the delay.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 36

    Posted on Sunday, June 24th, 2007

    Dave!Hey Hay Hey! It's Bullet Sunday today!

    • Photograph. I've been going through all my old photos recently, trying to find a specific shot that I've lost track of. Along the way, I've been running into pictures of me that are pretty disturbing. It would seem that I'm either acting like a dork or drunk (or both) in every single picture in which I appear...

    Drunken Dave
    1) Wearing my 3-D glasses while waiting in line for a 3-D movie.
    2) Trying to flash an "okay" sign while getting drunk in the rain.
    3) Drunkenly dealing cards while losing in a game of strip poker.
    4) Caught like a drunken deer in the proverbial headlights here.

    Seeing all these images has brought me to the disturbing conclusion that I've been a drunken dork most of my life. I admit that this doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I'm going to act shocked anyway.

    • Stemmed. So much for the separation of Church and State. So much for representing the people. President Bush has now vetoed for a second time legislation that would authorize federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. Despite the fact that the majority of Americans support it. Despite the fact that no science or rational thought can apply the status of "human life" to an embryo. Despite the fact that actual human lives hang in the balance. Despite the fact that the embryos in question will be discarded anyway. It's all typical political pandering bullshit insanity. I'd have thought that the President's forcible application of his personal religious and ethical convictions on me or anybody else would be a direct violation of the foundation upon which this country was built, but whatever. Using this logic (or lack thereof) a vegetarian president could make eating meat illegal because it violates his personal ethical beliefs. WTF?!? Just 575 days of dumbassery left.

    • Paris! OMG! Like, Paris is getting out of jail early and will be released on Tuesday! JUSTICE PREVAILS! Which means I guess it's time for me to come clean about something... since the tabloids are sure to break the news soon anyway.

    I am totally dating Paris Hilton.

    I wrote her letters of encouragement while she was doing time, and she understandably fell head-over-heels in love with me. I will be moving to L.A. at the end of next week so Paris and I can be together. 2GETHER 4EVA!

    I totally love Paris!
    Lil' Dave is totally not wearing panties in this shot...

    We ask that the media respect our privacy as we plan our new life.

    And by "respect our privacy" we mean "follow us around and take our picture everywhere we go, because we are so totally hot and interesting and deserving of your love."

    • Postcard. Five steps to embarrassment nirvana...

    1. Fill in a postcard request from Avitable.
    2. Go work in Seattle for a week.
    3. Have your mother pick up your mail at the local small-town post office while you are gone.
    4. Find out your mother thought the postcard was hysterical and showed it to everybody.
    5. Have random people ask you if your new penis pump has arrived yet...

    Penis Pump

    Insomnia blows! It's 7:00am on a Sunday and I am wide awake. On the bright side, I did get an entire five hours sleep last night, which must be some kind of record for me or something.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  36 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Exorcist

    Posted on Monday, June 25th, 2007

    Dave!I think my home is haunted.

    For weeks now, I've been having terrible problems keeping track of stuff. Tonight I set down the television remote control, left the room to get another serving of chocolate pudding for dinner, then came back and the remote is gone. GONE I SAY!! After searching for a good ten minutes, I finally gave up my search so I wouldn't go insane. The bad news is that I'm then forced to watch The 700 Club because I don't know how to change the channel without the remote.

    But then it gets weird...

    Choco Taco

    I leave the room again so I can get a Choco Taco for dessert and, when I return, THE TV REMOTE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHERE I LEFT IT THE LAST TIME WHEN I WENT FOR CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!

    Cue the "doo doo DOO doo - doo doo DOO doo" music...

    Ghosties

    The only logical conclusion I can draw is that I have ghosts.

    Malicious, sadistic ghosts who force me to watch The 700 Club!

    If there's any better evidence that Pat Robertson is a tool of the devil (and Karl Rove), I don't want to know about it...

    Patrobertsonslayer

    So now I have to perform a ghost exorcism.

    My list of exorcism supplies to buy at Target tomorrow after work...

    I also have to paint a pentagram on my carpet, but I've already got a can of Easy Cheese in the cupboard, so I don't need to buy any spray paint.

    Wish me luck!

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Palm

    Posted on Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

    Dave!Ooh! Looks like I might be getting an iPhone after all. They've finally released the service pricing, and it turns out that it's only $10 more than I pay now. Even better, I get more minutes (plus rollover minutes!) and unlimited data for my money. Cool!

    Of course, I'll want to try an iPhone in person before I sign on the dotted line, but things just keep looking better and better. The initial reviews have the positives outweighing the negatives, and some of the big questions (battery life, scratches, MS Office attachments, etc.) are being answered with good news. I want one pretty bad now.

    I am such an Apple whore...

    dPhone

    But with unlimited data access, can you really blame me? I mean, damn! Knowing I can surf the internet for important information at any time... for as long as I want... is pretty sweet!

    Dave's iPhone

    Wow. The internet is like the most awesome thing ever! Thanks for putting it in the palm of my hand, Steve Jobs!

    And in other nifty news... PARIS IS FREE! w00t! Now my life can go back to normal!

    Paris Freedom

    IN YOUR FACE, NANCY GRACE! Now why don't you shut the frak up you crazy bitch! And the next time your hypocritical skank ass decides to judge people, why don't you look in the mirror first... GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!!

    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Compassion

    Posted on Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

    Dave!I am growing more and more depressed over the astounding lack of compassion in the world today. It seems every time I turn on the television, pick up a magazine, or surf the internet I am subjected to hurtful, hateful behavior that has me questioning how much longer we can survive. If it weren't for random flashes of kindness I stumble upon from time to time, I'd probably lose hope for humanity altogether.

    And, thanks to the shining stars of today's hate-filled media, things just continue to get worse and worse. First they profess to care for us, fight for us, and believe in us...

    • NANCY GRACE: "I'm not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases."
    • PAT ROBERTSON: "I pray that I might be in the center of God's will. I pray for wisdom that He might lead me and give me wisdom in the tasks that I have ahead of me."
    • BILL O'REILLY: "Our philosophy is we call it as we see it. Sometimes you agree, sometimes you don't. Robust debate is good."
    • ANN COULTER: "I take the Biblical idea. God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees... God says, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"

    Compasionless

    Then they turn right around and demonize people for the sake of ratings and power, advocating violence and hatred with a recklessness that isolates us, divides us, and destroys us...

    • NANCY GRACE: "You know what, Kevin? I'm so glad they didn't miss a lacrosse game over a little thing like gang rape!" —— "Guilty, guilty, guilty!"
    • PAT ROBERTSON: "Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many were homosexuals, the two things seem to go together." —— "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
    • BILL O'REILLY: "Shut up. SHUT! UP!" —— "...the most unattractive women in the world are probably in the Muslim countries." —— "Will African-Americans break away from the pack thinking and reject immorality? Because that's the reason the family's breaking apart... alcohol, drugs, infidelity. You have to reject that, and it doesn't seem, and I'm broadly speaking here, but a lot of African-Americans won't reject it."
    • ANN COULTER: "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

    Why? Why are dumbasses like these even on the air? Why do people listen to them? I don't care if you are Conservative or Liberal... Republican or Democrat... Christian or Athiest... who could possibly want this kind of hateful crap into their lives? Isn't the world in bad enough shape already?

    All I'm asking for is a little compassion. A little caring. A little hope.

    And it would be nice if some of that compassion, caring, and hope can come my way...

    • Milk prices are skyrocketing. On the surface, this is not so bad... just don't drink as much milk anymore, right? But the tragedy is that milk is used to make such things as chocolate pudding, cheese, and Choco Tacos. Without those three things in life, is life really worth living?
    • The nearest place I can even see an iPhone is 60 miles away. For some reason, the local AT&T store in Wenatchee isn't a "real" store, but an affiliate store, which means they won't have iPhone at launch. Instead I have to drive to Moses Lake or Seattle or something. How horrible that the coolest thing to happen in like, well... forever... and I'm going to miss out.
    • The brilliant Veronica Mars is still cancelled. And yet mindless crap like The Bachelor gets yet another season. Now what am I supposed to do on Tuesday nights at 9:00?
    • The US National ID Card is not dead yet. There are people in this country who can't afford to eat or go to the doctor, yet there are still those who want to spend TWENTY-THREE BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS on a USA-wide ID card system under the pretense of national security. Why are clueless old men making decisions about stuff they know nothing about? Nobody who is actually smart enough to understand this program thinks it will work, and many think it will actually make us less safe. I am totally terrified that some stupid crap like this will happen in my lifetime.
    • I can't find the power adapter for my MacBook Pro. In 10 minutes my precious laptop's battery will be drained and I will no longer be able to blog or check email while on the toilet. What kind of sad existence will I be leading where toilet computing is not an option?

    Argh. I've been working all evening and now it's almost midnight. I sure hope I can manage to get even a little bit of sleep tonight. Looking for compassion in planet filled with hostility and abuse is a tiring way to spend your day.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Black

    Posted on Thursday, June 28th, 2007

    Dave!My afternoon was pleasantly interrupted when Bad Robert's Super Deluxe Girlfriend dropped by to return my Batman DVDs.

    "Because of you, I've been stuck watching Batman cartoons for the past week... thanks a heap!" she says as she throws the boxes for seasons one and two at my head.

    Ordinarily I would launch into a diatribe about how animation is an artform, and how Batman: The Animated Series is one of the best representations of the character outside of the original comics. But any woman who can hold her own against the crazy stuff Bad Robert does is nobody to be trifled with, so I hold my peace...

    Batman!

    "Thanks!" I say cheerily.

    At this point, Super Deluxe Girlfriend scrunches her face a bit and says "Ooh, is somebody in a bad mood today?"

    "Wha-? No, I'm good. Why would you say that?" I ask.

    "Well, when somebody as notoriously white as you wears black in the summer, it makes you look like you're either going to a funeral or are in a cranky mood."

    Err... really? I say, my voice rising at the end in disbelief. "I was going for evil, not cranky."

    After an uncomfortably long pause, Super Deluxe Girlfriend says: "Yes, well, maybe if you had an eye patch or something... but I'm not feeling 'evil' here..."

    "Fine," I say. "Tell Robert I'll be dropping off Batman seasons 3 & 4 this weekend."

    "Ah, now I'm feeling it," she says as she turns to walk out the door.

    Hah! THAT aught to teach her to question my evil nature!

    "He who is bent on doing evil can never want occasion." — Publilius Syrus

    In other news, I saw where fellow blogger Laurence made herself into a Simpsons character, and decided to try it myself. I had to make some slight modifications, but here we are...

    Dave Simpson

    HOT!

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Ship

    Posted on Friday, June 29th, 2007

    Dave!It's iPhone Day! IT'S iPHONE DAY!! HOLY CRAP, IT'S iPHONE DAAAAYYYYYY!

    Of course, there's not a single iPhone coming to the entire valley, so I won't even get to see one until the next time I next visit civilization, but it's still kind of exciting for a total Apple Whore like me.

    But the iPhone is not the only thing that's starting to ship today. Now that the new merchandise is starting to arrive, Artificial Duck Co. orders are going to start shipping too...

    Artificial Duck Co. Package

    I'll be working through the orders as quickly as I can... but with nearly 300 of them, it will take a while before everything is shipped out. Wheee! Good times! At least I know what I'll be doing in my spare time for the next several days. Still, it's nice that people will finally be getting their stuff. Hopefully everybody will find it worth the wait.

    So suck it, iPhone!

    And in local news... last night an airplane trying to land at Cashmere's airport came up short and crashed into the High School's parking lot instead...

    Cashmere Crash Map
    Map taken from Live Search because Google Maps doesn't have satellite for us!

    Unfortunately, the pilot was killed. Luckily, nobody else was hurt.

    As you can imagine, when something like this happens in a small town, it's a topic of major discussion. Was the pilot a local? Was it an emergency landing? People heard his engine sputtering, did he run out of gas? Just where did that plane come from? AL QAEDA!!

    There hasn't been this much local hype since cherry harvest started!

    UPDATE: I am now hearing that the pilot killed in the accident was the former CEO of Alaska Airlines. No word on what he was doing in the area, or why he crashed.

    UPDATE: It now seems as though the pilot clipped a tree on the way in, which may have contributed to the crash.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    iPhoneless

    Posted on Saturday, June 30th, 2007

    Dave!I try really hard not to be a whiny little bitch on my blog. Honestly, I do. The fact that I am rarely successful at it is not for lack of conviction, but circumstance. Such as waking up this morning and having to read a bajillion people talking about how cool their new iPhone is.

    Of course, I wouldn't know.

    Despite the fact that I am a Total Apple Whore, I don't have an iPhone yet. I won't even get to look at one until I'm in Seattle next week. Needless, to say, I'm a little sad about that...

    No iPhone for You!

    I've read so much about people and their love of their iPhone that I can almost imagine what it must be like to have one... but then I glance over at my piece of shit mobile phone and realize that my imagination isn't that good.

    Sigh. I guess I'll just go over to Apple.com and look at iPhone pictures for an hour or two...

    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 37

    Posted on Sunday, July 1st, 2007

    Dave!It's B•U•L•L•E•T S•U•N•D•A•Y once again! Excuse me while I pull out my 44 Magnum...

    • Spiceable... Is it just me, or is the Spice Girls one of the greatest musical groups of all time?

    • Photoshopable... As I was working my way through filling orders from the Artificial Duck Co. store yesterday, I got a desperate phone call from a fellow designer. He was calling every Photoshop professional he knew, asking if they would help work on some photos he "inherited" for a project that was due on Monday. The previous designer (who was fired) had the photos taken without using a food stylist, and the results were really terrible. I felt bad for the guy, so I volunteered to work on a few images for him. I can tell you right now, you'll never have so much fun as Photoshopping sweat off of a brick of cheese on a Saturday afternoon.

    • McDonaldable... Right now I would pay serious cash for a McVeggie Deluxe burger. But seeing as how it's only available at the New York Times Square McDonalds, I guess I'm out of luck. Why, why, WHY doesn't McDonalds roll this shit out nation-wide?

    NYC McVeggie Deluxe!
    I'll trade you my iPhone for a McVeggie Deluxe!

    • New Yorkable... Of course, thinking about food in New York only makes me want to have a REAL bagel. I need to work a trip to NYC in my travel plans just so I can eat for a few days.

    • Potterable... In many ways, I'm grateful for the iPhone not just because it's yet another super-sweet Apple product, but because it has distracted the world from talking about the final "Harry Potter" book which is being released next week. Since I'm not impressed with Harry Potter (and love Apple), this works out pretty well for me...

    Dave Potter

    I read the first couple of Harry Potter books and found them to be pretty lame and unimaginative. It seems that any actual creativity is sacrificed for some kind of deus ex machina crap to tell the story ("and Gryffindor gets 170 points pulled out of their ass at the last minute for stupid crap so they can win the House Cup!"). Anybody who thinks Harry Potter is The Shit should seriously check out the The Books of Magic graphic novels by Neil Gaiman (which started long before Harry Potter ever saw print).

    • iPhoneable... Yes. I still want a friggin' iPhone pretty bad.

    I'm just over 60 orders in on the Artificial Duck Co. orders. More stuff will be coming in on Monday, and I'm hoping to have all the orders shipped by the end of the week! Thanks again to everybody for your patience... just 262 orders left to go!

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Audiobook

    Posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2007

    Dave!In the many long hours driving back and forth to Seattle, I've come to love audiobooks. It all started when I was given I Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris on CD for my birthday. After that I was pretty much addicted, and signed up for an Audible account so I could get new books for my iPod whenever I have to travel or drive long distances. They make the time just fly by.

    The problem is that chapter breaks never seem to come when you need them.

    More than once I'll arrive at my destination, but I'll be in the middle of a good chapter or something, so I'll just sit there continuing to listen until I get to a good stopping point. It's no big deal.

    At least I thought it wasn't.

    Today I pulled into the city and decided to stop at a corner market for a carton of chocolate milk. But, since the book I was listening to (The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman), was in the middle of something good, I just turned off the engine and waited for the chapter to end. It was at this time I nearly jumped out of my skin because there was a pounding on my window.

    "HEY! IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE USING THIS SPACE, WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING SO WE CAN USE IT?" said a large man screaming at me through the glass while gesturing wildly back to some woman double-parked across the street. Not wanting to sound stupid by saying that he'd have to wait until my audiobook chapter was finished, I instead rolled down the window* and replied "Sorry, but I'm waiting for the police."

    Don't ask me where that came from.

    I guess I figured that if this guy thought police arrival was imminent, he wouldn't want to mess with me. And I was right. He just wandered off with a dazed look on his face.

    Which may have been the way his face always looks... I only met him for that one minute, so I wouldn't know.

       

    *Well, techincally I didn't "roll" down the window, I just pushed that button thingy. Do they even make vehicles with manually-operated windows anymore?

    Categories: BooksClick To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Recovery

    Posted on Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

    Dave!Firstly, to all my friends and family reading this who know about the situation here in Seattle... thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy. This has been one of the longest days in my life but, despite all the delays and the waiting, everything turned out with the best possible results we could hope for.

    Waiting, as they say, is the hardest part.

    In an effort to distract my head, I put in a very full day. First I went to see Transformers, which was pretty freakin' cool. I love that they never cheated you out of a transformation or a battle. You see everything. And there are few things better than watching giant robots beat the crap out of each other...

    Transformers

    Where the film failed me was in the utterly pointless deviations from the actual story. By the time we got to Sam's mom talking about masturbation, I was just plain pissed. It wasn't funny. It wasn't interesting. It was just needless distraction. Why? And then there's the whole military sub-plot that goes nowhere. Why? But worst of all... John Turturro, who I actually enjoy as an actor, plays a character "Agent Simmons" who was so unbelievably annoying and stupid that he very nearly ruined the movie for me. Why? Somebody needs to be in the editing room with Michael Bay so they can slap him upside the head when he makes stupid decisions to include crap like this, because otherwise it was pretty good flick.

    Then I went to see Fantastic Four 2, which was better than the awful first film, but still a far cry from what a Fantastic Four film should be. The only real reason to see the movie is for Silver Surfer, who rightfully kicks ass...

    Silver Surfer

    I found myself almost wishing that the Fantastic Four weren't in their own film so I could see more of him. That's pretty sad. Overall it was mediocre, but I was glad to have seen it.

    And, of course, I stopped to take a look at the iPhone up close and in person. And, of course, it's just as amazing as everybody says it is. And, of course, I want to have an iPhone now more than ever before. Everything about it is just cool. Particularly the screen and web browser, which is mind blowing...

    iPhone Blogography

    Blogography looks great, and is totally readable in horizontal mode, even without zooming...

    iPhone Blogography

    A pity that they're sold out absolutely everywhere.

    But not surprising.

       

    Proud

    Posted on Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

    Dave!It's always difficult for me to come up with something to say on Independence Day. Mostly because one of my favorite Blogography entries is from the 4th of July two years ago. I think it pretty much sums up how I feel about freedom, liberty and all that other cool stuff America is supposed to stand for. The entry also has diarrhea and puking in it, which is always fun.

    And speaking of fun, I swear this holiday gets more redneck every year...

    Proud American

    "Let's get drunk and blow shit up" could one day take the place of "In God we trust" as the USA's national motto (if it hasn't already).

    But, of course, we can't forget the flaming balls...

    Flaming Balls

    Something else all too typically American here is that "Proud American" is proudly made... in China.

    Wow am I exhausted.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Elves

    Posted on Thursday, July 5th, 2007

    Dave!And I'm back home.

    Unfortunately, magical elves didn't come in while I was away and pack up Artificial Duck Co. T-shirt orders, so that's what I've been doing for the past five hours. Out of over 320 orders placed, I now have only 108 left to ship. Wheeee. I'm on target for having everything shipped out by the end of the week. Almost.

    The mailing tubes for the prints finally arrived this morning, but there's a problem. They were out of stock on the tubes I had ordered, so the supplier called and asked if I could use a tube that was 1-inch SHORTER, which I assumed meant shorter in LENGTH. What they ended up sending were tubes 1-inch shorter in WIDTH. Unfortunately, this curls the prints too much. So I'll be sending 47 orders without their prints, and mailing them separately when the correct tubes come in. It's a bummer, but the last thing I want is for stuff to be ruined before it even arrives, so there you have it.

    In the meanwhile, I am beginning to forget what it's like to have a living room, because there are boxes of shirts and pins stacked in every corner...

    Daveshirts

    Crazy. Why am I doing this again?

    And, in news that makes me go "squeee!"...

    Robert Smith The Cure

    OMG! THE CURE ARE GOING TO TOUR THIS YEAR!!! They'll be in Seattle October 8th. Sweet!

    And, in news that's not really news...

    Larry King Sucks

    Why in the hell does Larry King still have a job? I've never been that impressed with his "interviews," but the ones I've seen lately have just been awful. Horrendously tragically awful. Half the time I get the impression that he doesn't even know who he's interviewing, or even what he's doing there. Tonight he was interviewing Al Gore, so I tuned in to see when the world is ending. At one point Larry was creeping me out, and I couldn't figure out why... until I realized it was because he had turned into Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. It was only for a moment, but I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the show. And it turns out I'm not the only one who thinks so.

    And, in news that makes me want to beat the crap out of somebody...

    Monkey Justice

    Monkey Justice is never blind... it just closes its eyes when convenient.

    I sat on the news of Scooter Libby's prison sentence being commuted by President Bush in the hopes that my all-consuming rage would abate. But it hasn't. WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!? Bush had no problem EXECUTING prisoners left and right as governor of Texas, but he considers 30 months in prison to be "excessive" for a criminal convicted of a serious (if not treasonable) offense? How can this be looked at as anything except a strategic move to keep Scooter Libby from testifying at his appeal... and potentially implicating Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and other top-level administration officials in the crime? What a f#@%ing joke. President Bush said that if anyone in his administration was involved in leaking Valerie Plame's name that they would suffer the consequences. Well, here was his opportunity to live up to his word. Libby was prosecuted by a Republican prosecutor. The judge in the trial was a Republican. The jury was vetted by the Republican defense. "The consequences" of the guilty verdict involved Libby serving 30 months in jail. But not anymore. So much for "suffering the consequences." Next time I have jury duty, I'm just going to vote 100% innocent at any trial I serve on no matter what happens. Why should I bother believing in justice and convicting criminals when a guilty verdict and subsequent sentencing doesn't mean shit to the President of these United States of America?

    Just 563 days left...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Chicagoan

    Posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007

    Dave!It's positively frightening how dead the blogosphere has been today.

    I can only guess that everybody is on extended holiday from Independence Day, and/or just doesn't feel like blogging now that summer has arrived. Not that I can blame them. The weather here has been incredible lately (92° with clear blue skies) and, if I didn't have work to get done and T-shirts to ship, I'd probably be ditching my blog and out there enjoying it as well.

    But I kind of have to blog today because... ooh... ooh... ooh! There's a date for the Chicago blogger meet now...

    Davecago2

    Dave Travel 2007

    Mark your calendars for August 25th! Last year in Chicago was a total blast and was attended by a number of notable bloggers, including...

    And, of course, ME from right here at Blogography.

    This year promises to be equally sweet, and the location will be picked out once we all have an idea how many people will be showing up. An early favorite is the remarkable Pizano's Pizza on E. Madison in The Loop. They, of course, have a fantastic award-winning Chicago Deep Dish pizza, but it's their crispy buttercrust pizza that's the cat's meow.

    Oh great, now I'm going to fall asleep with Pizano Pizza buttercrust fantasies in my head.

    Home-delivered by Elizabeth Hurley, of course.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Heartburn

    Posted on Saturday, July 7th, 2007

    Dave!Everybody just loves Bad Monkey.

    I had to go to the grocery store for a few things today, and was wearing my new Bad Monkey T-shirt for the trip. While I was in the cheese aisle, a little boy who was helping his mother pick out yogurt turned to me and started laughing. "Monkey!" he said, pointing at my shirt. "That's right," I replied. Then there's that awkward moment when I have to explain to his mother that the shirt can't be bought at a store, that it is one of my own creations, and isn't available in kids sizes. I just don't have room to store them.

    And now I feel bad, because what kid wouldn't want a Bad Monkey T-shirt?

    After cheese, I had to go buy sugar. I used the last of mine when I got a craving for Tropical Punch Kool-Aid last night around midnight. In retrospect, it was kind of a stupid thing to drink before bed, because I ended up battling a bad case of heartburn while trying to get some sleep...

    Daveheartburn

    Right now I am taking a break from filling Artificial Duck Co. orders to write in my blog. From the looks of things, I only have 38 orders left to fill. Tomorrow I'll process the postage so I can send the last remaining packages on Monday, and that's that. I'll finally be able to reclaim my living room.

    And stop hurting myself.

    I finally injured myself with my new tagging gun yesterday. It felt very much like having stabbed myself with a large needle. Mostly because my tagging gun has a very large needle on it. Lesson Learned: If you are going to sell T-shirts and want to label them, use stickers instead of tags.

    Back to work...

       

    Bullet Sunday 38

    Posted on Sunday, July 8th, 2007

    Dave!Wheee! It's Bullet Sunday as I try to figure out what I'm going to have for dinner tonight.

    • We're On Fire! In what's becoming an annual event, the valley is on fire. Again. It was no big shock to find out that fireworks were responsible. Again. About the only surprise here is how dumbasses can't seem to remember from year-to-year that lighting fireworks in the dry brush that surrounds us will start a major fire, potentially burning down a city or two. I mean, WTF? It's EVERY YEAR!!

    Wenatchee Fire
    Most excellent photo by Mike Bonnicksen of The Wenatchee World.

    • Seven Wonders! After a measure of controversy from Egypt, home of the Great Pyramids of Giza (the only surviving Seven Wonders of the Ancient World), the all-new "Seven Wonders of the World" have been revealed... The Great Wall of China, Petra in Jordan, Brazil's statue of Christ the Redeemer, Peru's Machu Picchu, Mexico's Chichen Itza pyramid, The Colosseum in Rome, and India's Taj Mahal. The only one I really question would be Christ the Redeemer which, while both remarkable and beautiful, doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of these marvels. I would have probably dropped it in favor of either Stonehenge, Neuschwanstein Castle, or Angkor Wat. And, naturally, I believe that no list is complete without the Great Pyramids of Giza, TRULY a wonder of the world...

    Great Pyramids

    • It's Zwinky! I keep seeing these completely obnoxious television commercials for some kind of internet site called "Zwinky." Every time it comes on, I'm scrambling for the remote control so I can stop the horrible screaching... "IT'S ZWINKY! IT'S ZWINKY! IT'S ZWINKY!" Then I sit there dazed and confused trying to figure out what the frak a "Zwinky" is. I tried visiting the web site to find out, but the piece of crap isn't Macintosh compatible. Wikipedia says it's some kind of avatar site tied to a web search toolbar, which sounds lame. I've never been happier that some websites are not Mac compatible.

    • Hey Whitey! I am getting tired of watching movies and television shows where all the actors have blindingly white teeth. It's very distracting, and I'm seeing it more and more often. Transformers had actors with embarrassingly white glowing teeth... like über-hottie Megan Fox... which very nearly overshadowed the awesome special effects with their unnaturally radiant smiles. Frightening.

    Dave Blinding Smile

    • Meet Chicago! Getting some super-sweet RSVPs from cool bloggers planning on making it to the Chicago Meet-Up on August 25th! If any of y'all are planning to come, please email me at dave@blogography.com so we can be sure we reserve enough space. This will also put you on a mailing list so you'll get the most up-to-date info as it happens.

    And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for ice cream! ICE CREAM FOR DINNER! Sweet!

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Stage

    Posted on Monday, July 9th, 2007

    Dave!I'm in a New York state of mind.

    On my first trip to New York City, I had a laundry list of crap that simply had to be done... Statue of Liberty, World Trade Center, Empire State Building, Hard Rock Cafe, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, The Guggenheim, The New York Public Library, Museum of Modern Art, Times Square... and a dozen other essential tourist haunts that first-time visitors to NYC are obligated to visit. Every morning I would get up and rush around the city trying to see as much as possible before my trip was over.

    The last thing on my list was to eat at the Stage Deli. This New York City institution is famous for serving insanely big sandwiches. Seriously insanely big. These things are at least six-inches tall...

    Stage Deli Sandwich

    And so on the last night of the last day I walked a block behind my hotel (The Hilton) to 7th Avenue and dinner at the Stage Deli.

    Where I proceeded to have one of the worst sandwiches I've ever eaten.

    But I don't blame the Stage Deli. I blame myself.

    It was my fault because I went there and ordered a "cheese sandwich" off the menu which, as you might guess, ended up being nothing more than a bazillion slices of American on bread. It was much like sitting down and eating a brick of cheese. And as much as I like cheese, that's just too much to take. But that's what I get for ordering something off the menu that doesn't work for how they build sandwiches. They gave me exactly what I had asked for because I wasn't thinking, so who else could I really blame except myself?

    Which is why I tend to get a little upset when I do a job exactly how somebody tells me to, only to have them turn around and blame me because they don't like the result. But it happens quite often in my line of work, so I tend not to go ballistic when it happens.

    Except when I'm donating my time and working for free.

    Today I had somebody bitch at me because a logo I made for a charity event had too much yellow in it.

    It was a drawing of a ring of stars circling a moon, which is exactly what they had asked for.

    So I re-colored it with a variety different star and background color combinations, only to have them get upset because it looked "wrong" that way. At this point they told me that they had a couple of NEW ideas for a DIFFERENT logo since I was having trouble with their "vision." Biting my tongue, I apologized and explained that I am very, very busy this time of year and didn't have time to start all over. They grabbed the work I had done, gave me a terse "thanks" (as in "THANKS FOR NOTHING!") and stomped off.

    And then tonight I get a call from a friend who overheard the event organizer bad-mouthing me because I promised to make them a logo and then bailed on them.

    Typical.

    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Dumbass of The Week: USBank

    Posted on Tuesday, July 10th, 2007

    Dave!Uhhhh... yeah... I don't even know where to begin.

    This morning I started organizing all my T-shirt boxes so I could put them up in racks and reclaim my living room floor. Except I found out one of the boxes was NOT filed with T-shirts, it was filled with 28 boxed orders... all needing postage so they could be shipped out. Unfortunately, I had overlooked them yesterday. So I grab the box and head downstairs to my car. But somehow I miss the last step, and end up wrenching my back in an attempt to not fall on my face. The pain is so great that I can barely breath. In agony, I limp back upstairs so I can take a Special Pill to get through the day.

    Ten of the orders I manage to get processed on my lunch hour. The remainder I saved for after work so they could be processed and be shipped out first thing in the morning.

    So there I am tonight, four orders into my remaining 18, when the USPS web site comes up and says that my credit card has been declined. "Well that's freaky!" I say to myself. "This puppy has a limit of like $10,000 and there's no reason for it to be declined." So I call up USBank to see what's going on.

    The ensuing asshattery resulted in my awarding a DUMBASS OF THE WEEK trophy, and it's only Tuesday!

    USBank Dumbass Award

    DAVE: Hey. My card was declined as I was trying to buy postage from the online post office.
       
    USBANK: Yes I see that. You've processed a lot of payments from USPS Online, and so your account was flagged as a possible fraud risk.
       
    DAVE: Ah! Well, it's not fraud. It's really me! So if you'll fix that, I'll get back to work.
       
    USBANK: I can't fix it. You have to get the post office to call in and get an authorization code.
       
    DAVE: Er. I can't do that. It's a computer program. There's only tech support, and they can't process charges.
       
    USBANK: Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
       
    DAVE: Uhhhh... really? Well can you transfer me to your fraud department so I can tell them to stop declining charges?
       
    USBANK: No. You have to get the post office to call.
       
    DAVE: What?!? Why does the post office have to call? YOU'RE the one that is wrongly declining charges! Transfer me to the fraud department!
       
    USBANK: They won't even talk to you because there's no actual fraud involved. There's nothing we can do.
       
    DAVE: Are you kidding me? Transfer me to a supervisor before my brain explodes.

    The supervisor goes through the exact same spiel about not being able to turn off the fraud flag, so I change gears...

    DAVE: What if I was trapped in a foreign country and needed to charge a plane ticket back home on my credit card? Or what if I was deathly ill and the hospital wouldn't treat me until the charges went through on my card? Would you just let me die then?
       
    USBANK SUPERVISOR: We do have the ability to authorize charges for an emergency.
       
    DAVE: Great! I am using USPS online to send life-saving medication to sick children in Africa. So if you'll just fix this and approve my charges, I'll get back to work...

    Of course, nothing I said made any difference. USBank simply refused to assist me at every turn.

    Now, don't get me wrong, I think fraud detection is wonderful thing. It's really great that they have a system to monitor risky behavior so they can prevent fraud. But how utterly stupid is it that you can't call and get it turned off when the charges are, in fact, valid? How could anybody think this kind of moronic shit is good customer service? Does this make any sense what-so-ever? What good is a credit card that can be declined because of possible fraud, yet cannot be fixed when fraud is disproved?

    Thus USBank has rightfully earned my DUMBASS OF THE WEEK award for being really stupid in their fraud control department.

    And we'll see what tomorrow brings. I guess if my credit card is still being declined I'll have to go stand in line at the post office and buy postage the old-fashioned way.

    "USBank Five Star Service Guarantee" my ass. I don't even give them one star tonight.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Mustache

    Posted on Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

    Dave!"Do you find me sexually attractive?"

    "Yes, Robert. Yes I do. You are a very sexy man."

    I was up working until 1:30am this morning, so when my mobile phone woke me up at the crack of dawn, I wasn't really in the mood for The Bad Robert Experience. It takes a certain kind of tact and mental clarity to have a conversation with him, neither of which I possessed at the time.

    "Seriously. I'm emailing you a photo..."

    "No. No. No. No. No. Do not email me a photo, Robert. It's too early for me to see a picture of your ass or whatever."

    "Hah! Funny. No, check your email. I need you to look at something."

    Knowing I would regret it, I hung up the phone and started groping for my glasses on the night-stand. Once my spectacles had been properly situated on my face, I then grabbed my MacBook and waited for Robert's 1.2 megabyte attachment to come through. With each passing second my mind was racing with speculation as to what I might find when the download was complete. Porn? A new tech gadget? Porn? A new motorcycle? DONKEY PORN?!?

    After a few moments, the photograph had arrived. It looked something like this...

    Robert's Mustache

    The ensuing conversation went something like this...

    DAVE: You've grown a mustache?
       
    ROBERT: It's cool, right?
       
    DAVE: In a kind of 70's porn star way. I was kidding before, but with that mustache you actually are a very sexy man!
       
    ROBERT: I know! But Super Deluxe Girlfriend hates it. She says she doesn't find me sexually attractive now, and won't let me have sex with her again until I shave it off.
       
    DAVE: Oh well, it was good while it lasted then.
       
    ROBERT: No! I want to keep it!
       
    DAVE: Are you insane? Why would you give somebody as hot as Super Deluxe Girlfriend an excuse not to have sex with you?
       
    ROBERT: Eh. She'll come around.
       
    DAVE: Dude. You are seriously mentally impaired.
       
    ROBERT: Yeah, but I look totally awesome!

    Spoken like a man who hasn't yet been denied sex long enough to miss it.

    I give him a week before he's willing to shave not only his mustache, but anything else she asks him to...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Millions

    Posted on Thursday, July 12th, 2007

    Dave!Whenever I have a bad day, I watch the last five minutes of the film Millions because it never fails to put a smile on my face. For convenience' sake, I have it cued up on my TiVo for immediate viewing at any time.

    The fact that I am watching it most days now is not lost on me.

    Today was filled with a non-stop parade of nasty surprises, so I just finished watching the end of Millions twice...

    Millions

    Things that make me go ARRRRGH!

    • Best laid plans... Today I found out that all my intricate and carefully-scheduled travel plans may have to be completely changed. The thought of having to spend hours altering reservations and rescheduling my life fills me with a dread beyond my ability to articulate.

    • Steve Jobs is a cruel mistress... I received a package from Apple this morning. Thinking it was my new iPhone, I ripped into the box with a glee usually reserved for a tub of Snack Pack chocolate pudding. But it wasn't my iPhone. It was the car charger for my iPhone. Apple says PSYCHE!! The current scheduled delivery date for the DavePhone is while I am out of the State, which is what makes this little tease particularly cruel.

    • A pain by any other name... My back is still jacked up, necessitating that I spend every waking hour medicated and every sleeping hour drugged. My life goes by in a hazy blur and it feels like zombies have eaten my brain. Fortunately, I have a T-shirt for that.

    • Master of my domain... Some guy is starting up a blog indexing service site (or whatever) and emailed to tell me that they had chosen "Blogography" as the name. Since it would be "confusing" for people to type in "blogography.com" and have my silly blog pop up, they want to acquire my domain. So I do what I always do when this happens, I write back and tell them that the very least I would be willing to accept for it is $500,000. Apparently, this was taken as some kind of joke, because he came back with a "maximum offer" of $750 and a hint of legal entanglement. Maybe it's the pills talking, but I find this really funny.

    • It doesn't get much worse than this... The most watchable thing on television just now is Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. Since I am doped up on pain killers and beyond caring, I'm just going to leave it running (despite the film being abhorrently bad). How could anybody watch this crap without being medicated?

    Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to lay here and moan in agony for a while...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Brooks

    Posted on Friday, July 13th, 2007

    Dave!During the height of Garth Brook's popularity throughout the 1990's, I was nearly suicidal. I 100% loathed his "music" and, since it was absolutely everywhere all the time, there was no escape from it. When he dropped off the face of the earth in 2002, nobody was more thrilled than I. To this day, one of my greatest fears is that Garth Brooks will come out of retirement and stage a massive comeback, dooming me to once again be inundated with his crap.

    In the meanwhile, I continue to be haunted...

    Dave Brooks

    After a week of 100° heat and clear skies, the valley was unexpectedly overcast this morning. Then, around 10:30, booming thunder filled the skies and we were in the middle of a downpour. As I was working away at my desk, two women walked by my window screaming the lyrics to The Thunder Rolls by Garth Brooks. And, while I did take some small satisfaction in that they were getting drenched by the rain, this horrifying ordeal has me wanting to drink copious amounts of alcohol until I pass out.

    Alas, I can't get drunk because I have too much work to do and, unfortunately, it's all rather complex and cannot be tended to while wasted.

    Or can it?

    I am pretty amazing at my job... perhaps I can do it while drunk?

    I dunno. I suppose it depends on whether or not every Garth Brooks fan on the planet decides to send me fun hatemail and leave insightful comments like "GARTH BROOKS IS THE BESTEST SINGER EVER, SO GO F#@% YOURSELF, A$$HOLE!!" just because I dare use my blog to state my opinion on musical talent (or lack thereof).

    Hey. The rain has stopped. Must be time to listen to some Chris Gaines!

    Bwah ha ha haaaa!

    Categories: Music 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Peaches

    Posted on Saturday, July 14th, 2007

    Dave!When you travel a lot, people are always attempting to solicit advice or ask questions about the places you've been. What's your favorite city you've been to? (Edinburgh, Scotland). What's the most incredible thing you've seen? (The Great Wall of China). What do you feel is the most romantic city on the planet? (Paris, France). Where is the best food you've eaten in the world? (Rome, Italy). What do you consider to be nature's most beautiful sight? (Bryce Canyon, Utah). Where did you find the friendliest people on earth? (Bali, Indonesia). What city outside the US would you most like to live in? (London, England). Where do I go to change my life? (Thailand).

    And the list goes on and on. Name a place I've been to, and I've undoubtedly got some great memory of something I've seen, done, or ate there.

    But, surprisingly, one of the most often-asked questions is this: "What's a place you've been to that you hate?"

    I never know quite how to answer this, because I don't "hate" anything (with the possible exception of Ann Coulter, but she is evil incarnate, so that's okay). I try my best to take only the positive away from anything I might experience, and let the negative go (blogging is good for that). Which is why I have had unpleasant aspects to my travels from time to time, but I don't dwell on them so much that I end up "hating" anyplace I've been.

    Except, maybe Atlanta.

    Partly because I've had more bad things than good things happen to me in Atlanta, making it difficult to let go, but mostly because the traffic there is the worst I have experienced in the entire world. Los Angeles, which is widely accepted as the worst traffic city in the USA, is a piece of cake by comparison. Shanghai? Beijing? Tokyo? Paris? Rome? Seoul? They have nothing on Atlanta. Sure there are cities like Lagos in Nigeria which could rightfully claim the title, but I haven't been there, so for me it's always been Atlanta. I would rather be kicked in the balls than have to navigate Atlanta traffic... especially in the summer heat.

    So guess which major American city had to be forced into to my itinerary yesterday?

    Dave Travel Revised
    Unfortunately, NOT a complete list of stops in the Tour de Dave 2007.

    Argh.

    Now, I'm sure that Atlanta is a perfectly lovely city to visit on vacation or something... there's a lot to see and do there... but to have to go to Atlanta for work is absolute torture because of the f#@%ing traffic making everything miserable.

    And then there's the peaches...

    The last time I was in Atlanta, I decided to treat myself to some Georgia peaches after having wasted two hours in a massive traffic jam just outside the city. My hotel which had a very nice restaurant, listed peaches and cream on the menu, which only makes sense because Georgia is "The Peach State," and tourists are going to want peaches so they can experience the state properly. So I got my peaches and was eating away when my waitress dropped by for small-talk. She asked me how I was enjoying my fruit, and I replied that it was pretty good, but tasted the same as Washington peaches back home. That's when she dropped the bomb that they probably were peaches from Washington or, more likely, California... or maybe even China. Apparently Georgia peach production drops every year, because orchardists just can't compete with the imports. Much like Washington's famous apples, I suppose.

    Great.

    Horrendous traffic, scorching heat, and fake Georgia peaches. Now that's something to look forward to.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 39

    Posted on Sunday, July 15th, 2007

    Dave!Sunday, Bullet Sunday... here I come!

    Unfortunately, I have to go to work today, so it's a short one...


    • Guest Appearance! I'm filling in for Hilly over at Snackie's World on today's Snackie Sunday...

    Snackie Sunday

    Of course, since everybody who is anybody already reads Hilly, I guess you already knew that. But just in case you are one of those people who read their blogroll in alphabetical order, I thought I'd let you know so you can skip from the "B's" to the "S's" and answer my super-snoopy questions right away.

    • Super TV! Man, is there ever some good television happening in the off-season...

    Summer TV

    Rescue Me is as amazing and shocking in its fourth season as it ever was. Burn Notice features Bruce Campbell and Gabrielle Anwar in a supporting roles, which is reason enough to watch, but it is an incredibly well-written and acted show as well. The Closer is probably one of the best dramas to hit television in years. Top Chef is drastically more watchable than last season's really bad run. Traveler just keeps getting better and better with each episode (but is on ABC, and so it will probably be canceled). Psych is back, and hasn't lost any of the magic that made it so much fun last year. And let's not forget that Sci-Fi has a new Flash Gordon series dropping on August 10th! I am such a TV whore.

    • Gay TV! And speaking of good television shows for summer, I was gifted an episode of Rick & Steve, World's Happiest Gay Couple from the iTunes Music Store and laughed my ass off. The show is not even close to politically correct, and SO wrong in many ways that I actually felt bad about laughing in parts. But it's a cute cartoon, so it's not like you can feel too bad...

    Rick and Steve World's Happiest Gay Couple!
    Think of it like milking a cow. Men are just smellier, stupider cows.

    What's amusing here is that if the show had been created by straights, it would undoubtedly be considered homophobic, offensive, and be accused of propagating gay stereotypes. GLAAD would be calling for a boycott, and people would die. But, since the show-runners are gay and it's airing on a gay television network, it suddenly becomes okay. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about that, but you can watch a funny trailer for the show here and, for the braver of you, the first five minutes of episode 1 is here.

    • Emergency! Friday I got to make a midnight run to the emergency room as a chauffeur. Again. As it was a Friday night in the middle of summer, there was a wild assortment of party-related emergencies, including underage alcohol poisoning, and a girl in the room next door that tried to O.D. (who didn't want to provide her last name, because she didn't want her parents called). After they were forced to take a urine sample so they could treat her, the conversation went something like this...

    NURSE: Okay... what are you on? What did you take?
    MOANING GIRL: Nothing.
    NURSE: What. Drugs. Did. You. Take?
    MOANING GIRL: No drugs.
    NURSE: NO drugs?!?
    MOANING GIRL: NO DRUGS!! I'M NOT TAKING DRUGS!!

    And fifteen minutes later the nurse finds the doctor in the hall...

    NURSE: Here's the test results.
    DOCTOR: Well there's a big surprise...

    Yes, big surprise, IT WAS DRUGS!! Who lies about doing drugs after they've had urine sample taken? Oh, I don't know... A DRUG ADDICT MAYBE? For big stupid fun entertainment, nothing beats an E.R. on the weekend.

    But I'm in no hurry to go back any time soon.

       

    Jesus

    Posted on Monday, July 16th, 2007

    Dave!Last night before I went to bed, three bloggers I read announced they were quitting. I wonder if there's a virus going around or something?

    After reading such upsetting and tragic news, my mind turned to Jesus.

    This was a strange experience for me, because I'm not a Christian. But I am a hardcore art lover, and Jesus has served as an inspiration for a lot of really good art throughout history. His story, while inspiring to those whose faith is built upon it, has always seemed quite sad to me... the poor guy was given a destiny to die horribly for the sins of the world, and that cannot be an easy burden, even for the son of God. But, like it or not, Jesus accepted what he had to do, and believed his sacrifice was the entire purpose for his being.

    The one I really feel sorry for in this story is Mary.

    She may have been the vessel for Christianity's savior but, when you set that aside, what she really was is a mother.

    A mother who loved her son very much, only to have to watch as he was tortured and killed. I don't care how deep your faith is, this is something that no mother should have to experience. And yet I am reminded of it over and over again as I traverse art galleries around the globe. For the most part, the bulk of this art is divided between the two most significant events in any life... birth and death.

    First there's all those images of Madonna and Child. Jesus has just been born and Mary is always depicted cherishing him, just as any mother would feel toward their new baby...

    Madonna and Child

    And then there's the pietà, which shows a grief-struck Mary cradling her dead son. I don't care whether you are a Christian or not, this is a powerful and painful image. And no interpretation of this event is more heartbreaking that Michelangelo's masterpiece, La Pietà, which is housed at The Vatican's St. Peter's Basilica...

    La Pieta

    It's difficult to get from a photo, but the sadness carved into Mary's face is enough to bring a lump to your throat and make your heart ache for her. What could be more tragic?

    Certainly not somebody shutting down their blog, but that does make me kind of sad too.

    Anyway...

    All this talk about Jesus has reminded me of a drawing I created last year for a digital Christmas card that I sent to some of my art friends, but never dared show on my blog... until now...

    Madonna And Child

    I always worried that people would see this and think "OH MY GAWD! DAVE THINKS HE'S JESUS!!!" But that was never the intent. I just used Baby Dave to make this interpretation of Madonna and Child my own. As the above text hopefully illustrates, I have the upmost respect for Jesus, Mary, and their story... and this drawing is meant to be an homage, not ridicule. I put a lot of care into creating it, and it's easily one of my favorite DaveToons ever. I'm probably inviting all kinds of hatemail by showing it, but it seems a shame not to share when it means so much to me.

    Unlike most interpretations, where Jesus is somber and stoic, I wanted my Madonna and Child to depict baby Jesus as happy and joyful as possible. This was not easy given how crude the drawing is, but I tried my best because I like to think that Jesus was a happy baby. Given his ultimate sacrifice, it would be nice to think that he had a happy childhood... wouldn't it?

    Hmmm. I am tired enough that I may actually get a good night's sleep tonight.

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  30 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Crapola

    Posted on Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

    Dave!FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!

    I am trying my best to think of something that hasn't gone wrong today. Turns out there isn't anything. Despite my hopes, I didn't sleep AT ALL last night, and it's all been downhill from there. To list everything that's gone wrong would depress even me, so I've decided to just list the top five...

    • In my sleep-deprived state, I grabbed a bowl for my Captain Crunch cereal and knocked a coffee mug off the counter where it landed on the top of my foot. I now have a big welt there and can't tie my shoe. This wouldn't be a big deal, except my shoe keeps falling off, causing me to fall down and embarrass myself a lot. It's like being drunk... but without the benefit of being totally wasted.

    • I am sitting here with a sticky-wet lap because the bottle of Coke I had on my break decided to overflow all over me for some reason when I opened it. It came straight from the refrigerator, so I have no idea what made it explode. I must have angered the Coke gods or something.

    • Artificial Duck Co. store orders are starting to be returned to me with an "insufficient address" notice. Yet when I look in tracking, the address is complete (heck, they won't let you ship anything WITHOUT a complete address!). Apparently the postal service's Click-N-Ship is, in fact, Click-N-SHIT... because it generates bad labels. The glitch appears to be random, because when I track packages before and after the faulty label, they've been delivered. So, if you've been waiting for a T-shirt order and haven't gotten it... that would be why. I am re-shipping them immediately after I get the return, and will generate a new tracking email so customers will know what happened...

    Returned Parcel

    The even worse part of the deal is that I can't simply re-print their incorrect labels... I have to buy a NEW label, then request a refund for the original label. I'm not holding my breath that I'll be getting my money back. I'm sure they'll somehow make this my fault.

    • A critical Fed-Ex package I am waiting for is lost. The only thing that tracking shows is a departure scan, then nothing. Nobody has any idea what's going on. It's as if the thing just evaporated in mid-air. In the meanwhile, I'm screwed. There's no way to meet deadline on my current project now, and I have no idea what's going to happen.

    • Due to some stupid crap I didn't understand, the cost to change my airline tickets to my new itinerary was outrageously expensive, so I ended up keeping my old ticket and just adding a second ticket. So now I fly to where I am no longer working, then fly to where the new work is, then fly back to where I need to be so I can fly back to where I don't need to be so I can fly home. The airline industry has got the biggest scam going with their complicated, incomprehensible fare calculations. Why can't everybody just abandon this antiquated way of doing business and switch to more simplified and easily understood fare rules like Alaska Air? With Alaska, every segment is selected with full knowledge of EXACTLY what's going to happen if you need to make changes to it. And, since every segment has separate rules, you don't f#@% up the rest of your fare when you only need to add or change a single piece. I love this because it's a straight-forward way of doing business, and doesn't screw customers when their travel needs change. I mean, seriously, LOOK AT HOW SIMPLE IT IS...

    Alaskaairfare

    When I fly Alaska, I simply choose "value" fares for segments I am sure about... then pay a little more for "full flex" on segments I'm not. Simple. It frustrates me that other airlines can't be this honest when you shop for fares, and makes me wish Alaska had more routes. Because, seriously, how logical is it that it's $1200 cheaper to buy an additional new ticket than adjust an old one?

    • And here's the worst part of my entire day so far... it's only half over! Now that my lunch break is done, I've got an entire afternoon of even more horrendous crap to look forward to!

    Bleh.

    I want to go home now, climb into bed, and start the day all over again.

    Or drink a fifth of Jack Daniels.

    One of those two things.

       

    Lameness

    Posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007

    Dave!So there I was, waking up after a good night's sleep* so I could check my email, when Harry Potter dropped by for an unwelcome visit.

    The very first email I opened was sent to my Blogography address, and had a subject line of "Hard Rock Cafe Hong Kong." Thinking that somebody had news of yet another unfortunate cafe closing, I opened it up only to find that is was a photo collage of pages from a book with notes scrawled above them. But not just any book, it was Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series (not yet released).

    This was completely baffling. From appearances, the person sending the photo had fully intended to spoil the book for me. They knew me. They knew I like the Hard Rock Cafe. And they used an email subject they knew I was likely to open. About the only thing they didn't know is that I don't care about Harry Potter, and have read only the first book, part of the second, and made it through the third only by skipping large chunks of it. So seeing all these spoilers meant nothing. The sender's address looked disposable, so I didn't even bother replying.

    A couple of emails later, and it's a comment notification for my blog... that turns out to be nothing more than a dozen Harry Potter spoilers typed out in ALL-CAPS (left anonymously, of course).

    WTF?!?

    Why would anybody work so hard to ruin a book that I'm not even interested in? I can only assume that I am not alone, and soon the entire internet will be plagued by juvenile assholes with nothing better to do than try to ruin the ending of the book for people. I just wish that I could figure out what in the heck they have to gain from this. If making other people unhappy is their incentive, that's pretty frakin' lame.

    Sleepy Dave Teddy

    *Last night I adopted drastic measures so I could finally get some sleep... PILLS! Two sleeping pills, a melatonin, and a Midnite, all combined into a sleep cocktail that managed to knock me out for an entire seven hours. I worry about trying this kind of thing too often, but it's nice to know I can get some drug-induced rest from time to time.

    And now, before I go, why not head on over to NYC Watchdog's Cereal Wednesday... not only is he one of the best-dressed vloggers out there, but you could win a box of Krusty-O's cereal!

    Categories: Blogging 2007, BooksClick To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    BlogMe

    Posted on Thursday, July 19th, 2007

    Dave!Because I love Mocha Momma more than life itself, I'm joining in on her BlogMe Ten Second Intro meme!

    But before I start... the best new reality show ever has just started airing: Victoria Beckham: Coming to America! The one-time Spice Girl is moving to the USA after her super-star soccer player husband, David Beckham, was awarded a gazillion-dollar contract to play for the L.A. Galaxy. I've always loved Posh Spice, but now my infatuation has escalated to an entirely new level...

    Posh Spice!
    Scorching hot Victoria Beckham photo taken from Just Jared.

    There's just something about seeing Posh take her drivers license exam at the DMV that's totally compelling television to me. I think I actually squealed a little when she passed. By the time we got to the Victoria Beckham dress-up sex doll, I was hooked.

    And now on to the introduction (which might be 10 seconds if you read really fast)...

    BlogMe

    I am a graphic designer, which is a career I fell into entirely by accident. I've designed or worked on just about anything you can think of over the past 20 years... catalogs, advertising, packaging, video games, architecture, clothing, book covers, album art, movie storyboards, posters, magazines, logos, web sites, software, user interfaces, children's toys, comic books, DVD menus, airplane graphics, board games, instruction manuals, maps, and much, much more.

    I love to travel in my spare time, and enjoy visiting Hard Rock Cafes around the world.

    I am a vegetarian, and have been since a girlfriend dragged me into it back on Earth Day, 1986. After becoming a vegetarian, the relationship lasted four more weeks. The diet stuck, and has lasted over 20 years. I can't give up dairy though, because I love cheese and chocolate pudding.

    I am not religious, but study Buddhism and try to live my live according to Buddhist precepts. My friends and family mean more to me than anything else. I still think Elizabeth Hurley is the most beautiful woman on earth, even though she went and got herself married.

    I'm Dave. Nice to meet you, and goodnight!

       

    Unlikely

    Posted on Friday, July 20th, 2007

    Dave!The big news in Western Washington today is that Seattle's King County Board of Health has mandated that chain restaurants with 10 or more locations must post nutritional labeling on their menus and eliminate trans fats. This is all done under the pretense of improving health and fighting obesity, but is so monumentally stupid that I can't help but wonder if anybody on the Board of Health has a grip on reality.

    Banning the trans-fats I get. Trans-fats are evil and should be destroyed.

    But being forced to put calorie, fat, sodium and carbohydrate information on your menu in full-size type? Did anybody bother to think this through? Ordering at a fast-food restaurant can already be a confusing, time consuming task to many people... what happens when the menu board has to be twice as big to accommodate all this extra shit? Does anybody really need to be told that a veggie salad with lite dressing is a more healthful meal than a triple hamburger loaded with cheese, bacon, and mayonnaise? Is this really going to come as a huge revelation once the menus have changed? When Taco bell alters their menus, are people going to die of shock that deep-fried dishes covered in sour cream and cheese have fat in them? Really? People can claim ignorance, but is that an excuse to punish the restaurants?

    I mean, seriously, look around. Food manufacturers have already spent billions of dollars updating their product packaging with Nutrition Facts (twice!), yet medical cases of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease show no sign of slowing down. If people won't take the time to study nutrition intake while they are eating at home, why should anybody expect that they'll bother to take the time while at the McDonalds drive-up? This is yet another case of trying to crack an egg with a sledgehammer, burdening companies with major expenses to initiate changes that will have little (if any) effect.

    Do I think restaurants should be required to provide nutritional information to their customers?

    Absolutely yes.

    I think it is perfectly reasonable that consumers be informed as to what they are eating. As a vegetarian, this is something I can appreciate. Not only should customers have access to nutritional information at a restaurant, but a complete list of ingredients as well.

    But let's be realistic here.

    There's no reason that restaurants can't hand over a brochure or pamphlet with this information for those who request it. Why force everybody to change their menus and reader boards? This is not only impractical, but a very dangerous precedent as well. If people don't care enough to take an interest in their own health and can't be bothered to ASK for nutritional information of their own free will when they need it, then too damn bad. I am tired of government deciding I am too f#@%ing stupid to figure out for myself what constitutes a proper diet. So long as the information is made available upon request, demanding a restaurant to go through all this extra expense is grossly unfair.

    I say that if restaurants are required to deface their menus with this shit, that EVERY F#@%ING TIME politicians and local government officials appear in media... from newspapers and television appearances to personal correspondence and an election ballot... that their salary should be listed after their name. Knowing how much money these power-abusive idiots make to come up with this stupid crap is information that could really make a difference.

    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Doom!

    Posted on Saturday, July 21st, 2007

    Dave!Today I'm packing up my undead monkey and heading over to Geeks of Doom to review the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry starring Kevin James and Adam Sandler (a direct link to the review is here). This is a pre-cursor to my becoming a columnist there in mid-August, after an invitation by site-runners (and my good blogging buddies) Empress Eve and Dave3.

    For those of you not familiar with "Geeks of Doom," it is the group blog formerly known as "GeekZine," which quickly became one of my favorite news sites because it's packed with geeky goodness on comics, television, movies, and pop culture. With the transition to Geeks of Doom now complete, it's an essential daily read for me, and I'm honored to be writing for the site...

    Geeks of Doom!

    I've been presented with more than a few offers to write and draw for other blogs and websites, but have always turned them down... even when they were going to pay me. I just never felt that there was anything I wanted to say outside of Blogography. But this opportunity proved entirely too tempting, and the idea of working with Eve and Dave was something I just couldn't pass up.

    I'll be sure to mention when I have an entry up in case anybody is interested... or you can head over to Geeks of Doom and subscribe to their webfeed. The information contained within may very well save your life*

       

    *In the event of zombie invasion or other geek-related disaster.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  8 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 40

    Posted on Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Oh snap! It's Bullet Sunday in the dark, as I try to desperately crank out the bullets on a laptop battery with just 15 minutes of power left! Better not waste any more time...

    • Everybody loves hate-mail! Is there anything more special than waking up to an in-box that has eight email notifications from people who hate your guts that are leaving comments on your blog? And this time it's not even the Dooce Posse! Oh no... this time it's a group of people complaining about a rant I made against public fingernail clipping almost two years ago. Apparently, a customer printed this out and took it to a restaurant where they experienced the same thing, and the employees did not find it funny when the boss got all pissed at them. This is MY fault? Sometimes I envy the life of little rocks.

    • Everybody dies, bitches! Turns out the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows spoilers I was emailed the other day were actually legitimate. This makes me really sad. It also makes me angry. But mostly sad. If I had been a Harry Potter fan, the end of the series would have been spoiled before I would have realized it. I wonder if it's a good time to be a Harry Potter smart-ass at the local bookshops again?

    • So close and yet so far... How friggin' cruel is THIS...

    Dave iPhone FedEx Tracking

    My iPhone has traveled across the earth, and is now just 3 hours away at a FedEx warehouse over in Spokane...

    Dave iPhone Travel Map

    It might as well be a million miles away, because I'm leaving tomorrow. sob!

    • I'm givin' her everything I got Captain... OMG! In the name of all that's holy, I am now running on reserve power's shutdown notice! I knew I shouldn't have gone to Google Maps!!

    • Travel Gymnastics... Usually, in order to make a connection out of Seattle for an east-bound flight that arrives at a decent hour, you have to take an insanely early 5:20am flight out of our tiny local airport. Since I knew that I would be working tonight until the wee hours, this was not a very good plan. So instead, I am flying out on a later flight and arriving tomorrow night. Ordinarily, this would not be too terrible, but I then have to get up early the following morning so I can fly to Atlanta in time for work. I am not much of a morning person when it comes to flying, but I just can't seem to avoid it. Oh how I envy people that live in Chicago who can get direct flights to just about anywhere in the country in 4 hours or less!

    GAAAAHHH!! If there are spelling or grammatical errors in this entry, I don't have time to think about it! Please don't run out of juice before this entry posts. Please don't run out of juice before this entry posts. Please don't...

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    LIARS!

    Posted on Monday, July 23rd, 2007

    Dave!If there's one thing I really hate... really, really HATE... it's being lied to.

    I am sitting here in Minneapolis when all of a sudden there's an announcement that the inbound aircraft has been delayed, and we will be an hour-and-a-half late getting into Milwaukee. Well, shit happens, and I'm not too upset about it. If I got angry every time a flight was cancelled or delayed, traveling anywhere would be a miserable experience because there's very few times that stuff doesn't go wrong anymore... flights are always being delayed or canceled.

    And then I see that the "delayed inbound aircraft" is coming from Seattle.

    Which seems odd, because I just came off of the inbound flight from Seattle.

    Which means this was NOT our original inbound aircraft. A quick check confirms our actual aircraft landed on time and originated in Anchorage.

    Which means that Northwest is lying to everybody.

    And that's stupid.

    If they simply said "we've had to change aircraft because we fucked up" or whatever the TRUTH is, I'd be fine with it. But instead they keep announcing over and over again that the reason for our wait is that the inbound aircraft has been delayed. Probably because that sounds more like it's not their fault... hoping that people will assume it's the weather or something. Naturally, this leads me to believe that it IS something that's their fault, because why else would they lie?

    And I really hate that.

    Lying Northwest Airline bastards...

    Bad Monkey says... FUCK OFF!

    The real kicker is that if I would have booked this later flight out of Seattle in the first place, I would have had two more hours to goof around at home this morning. Or maybe even sleep-in after having worked until 1:30am.

    But instead I'm sitting here being lied to.

    UPDATE: And, of course, they lost my luggage. Instead of sleeping-in tomorrow morning, I have to get up and (hopefully) collect my suitcase at the airport instead. Another night of 4-hours sleep. Yay. Thank heavens for my emergency underwear stash in my backpack.

    UPDATE: It's 2:00am and I am in my hotel room. Which smells like feet.

    UPDATE: Feet which have stepped in a pile of shit.

    OBVIOUS OBSERVATION: Clearly this has not been a good day.

    UPDATE: My luggage was on the morning flight. Woo hoo! But I did have to pick it out from the carousel amidst loose cans of meat. Somebody packed up a box with food and it busted all over the place. Since I was starving from not having eaten all last night or this morning, I was very near grabbing a can and biting through the metal to eat it. But then I remembered I am a vegetarian. Now that I'm back to the hotel, I'm going to turn the air conditioner ON, take my pants OFF, and have a nap.

    PS: The reason I didn't have the airport deliver my bag to the hotel is because I was told delivery runs are scheduled, and I may not get my bag until noon or later. Since I am flying out around then, it was worth the 10 minute shuttle ride to the airport so I could be sure I got it.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Piggie

    Posted on Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

    Dave!Oh yes.

    And It's just a frakkin' cool as I knew it would be...


    Dave's New iPhone

    Amazing how handy it is to have Google Maps and the entire internet with me everywhere. I find myself turning to iPhone constantly, and I've only had it one day. Heaven only knows what my life will be like once its been fully integrated. Sure AT&T's EDGE network is painfully slow, but do I really care when I'm out in the middle of nowhere and need driving directions? To get un-lost, I'm happy to wait a minute for a map.

    What really gets me is how great this is for a version 1.0 product, and I can't fathom what cool stuff Apple will be adding in the next update. iPhone is an incredibly functional and useful tool that's a joy to use. And, get this... the phone quality is not sacrificed... calls are SO much nicer than with my old P.O.S. mobile phone. Now that I have iPhone, I can't imagine going back to anything else.

    Side note: Dave's wish list for iPhone 2.0: GPS functionality that integrates with Google Maps. Automated voice dialing.

    Anyway, on my way back from work, I passed through Thomaston, Georgia, and couldn't resist stopping at the local Piggie Park drive-in for a grilled cheese sandwich and some fries...

    Piggie Park!

    My sandwich was a very reasonable $1.35!! I can't remember the last time I paid under $2.00 for a sandwich...

    Piggie Park!

    The place has been around since 1950, and is very popular. Even at 2:00, the place had a steady stream of customers. At the lunch hour it must be over-run...

    Piggie Park!

    And from the "totally tasteless but funny department," I saw this sign for a mailing service today...

    Goin' Postal

    Tonight will be my first night in four days where I'll actually have time to get some decent sleep. Needless to say, I am looking forward to that. The only thing that worries me is the impending thunderstorms which iPhone says are due to hit both Georgia and Wisconsin for the next couple days. I wonder what the odds are that I'm going to be stuck in Atlanta? Given my luck, the airport will be completely destroyed.

    Oh well. It's not like I'll care... I'VE GOT MY iPHONE, bitches!

    Lil' Dave Jump and Shout

       

    Davelanta

    Posted on Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

    Dave!Today was a day I've been looking forward to for weeks now, because I was going to meet up with fellow blogger Beth and her husband Kevin so we could go to WORLD OF COKE!!

    This is actually the NEW WORLD OF COKE, which only just opened in May. It replaces Old World of Coke (which I visited years ago), and is twice as huge... with an advertised SEVENTY different Coke products available for sampling from around the world! Sweet!

    World of Coke Atlanta

    This was going to be an awesome opportunity to meet some readers (which I always enjoy) AND drink my beloved Coke with Lime until I pass out from a sugar-induced coma.

    The tour starts out with a waiting room where they inundate you with Coke memorabilia, then brainwash you into submission with an all-Coke audio soundtrack that features Coke soundbites, jingles, ads, and slogans throughout the years. Kevin was too smart to be brainwashed and found it all to be pretty funny, but I was converted into a Coke Zombie almost immediately. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I'm not in my native time zone, but the simple truth is that I'm a sucker for a good advertising jingle...

    Coke Zombies
    Coke Zombies ate my brain!!

    They don't let you go to the Coke sampling room immediately... oh no... you have to watch a Coke film, walk through a Coke room, say hello to the Coke polar bear, see a mini Coke bottling plant, experience Coke in 4-D, and visit the Coke pop-art display first.

    Then, AT LAST, it was time for my Coke with Lime!

    I was so excited! Soda dispensers with drinks from around the world were here!

    I didn't drink anything all day in anticipation of this moment!

    Only to find out that WORLD OF FRAKKIN' COKE DOESN'T HAVE COKE WITH LIME!!!

    That's right... NO COKE WITH LIME IN THE ENTIRE WORLD OF COKE!! They will let you sample the most horrendous tasting substance on earth (a soda called "Beverly" from Italy, which makes you want to die it tastes so bad) but you can't sample the divine elixir that is Coke with Lime.

    Bastards!

    My day was pretty much ruined. I went to World of Coke all happy and full of joy and stuff... but then left with nothing but a crappy free souvenir bottle of regular-old Coke...

    Dave at World of Coke

    The only reason I didn't kill myself right there in the middle of World of Coke was that Beth had given me this super-sweet baseball cap which she custom-embroidered with DaveDevil on the back...

    Dave Try Evil Cap!

    Yes. Yes I know. It's like one of the coolest things ever. And having it put me in such a good mood that I didn't even feel like taking a flame-thrower to World of Coke until it burns the ground... even though it's totally justified, given that you can't get Coke with Lime there.

    But I still kind of want to go back tomorrow with a crate of limes and vandalize the building with them. Maybe knock out a few windows and smear pulpy bits of smashed lime all over the walls...

    Lime Attack!

    Or maybe I could just alter their signs so that everybody will know the TRUTH...

    World of Coke without Lime

    Oh well. Life sometimes sucks that way.

    Before we parted ways, Beth decided to improve her Dave Number...

    Dave Numbered!

    She now has a Dave Number of TWO, which means she's part of that elite class of people who no longer have to pay taxes, always gets upgraded to First Class, and gets a 25% discount on chocolate pudding and cheese products at her local grocery store. The real advantages of such an awesome Dave Number, however, cannot truly be measured... it's the psychological benefit of knowing that you're a much cooler person than most everybody else on the planet who hasn't been lucky enough to meet me yet.

    After seeing World of Coke without Lime and saying goodbye to Beth and Kevin, I walked across the plaza to visit the Georgia Aquarium, which is kind of nifty. It's a pretty big building, but it kind of has to be since they have WHALES inside of it! They're those freaky white Beluga whales, but still fun to watch.

    In order to kill time and miss rush-hour on the MARTA train, I walked back to the Hard Rock Cafe so I could have a quick bite before returning to my hotel. They've changed things around since my last visit, but it's still a great property with a really good staff. I wasn't going to buy anything, but they had some cool new city pins, and I couldn't resist. But, then again, I never can. Hard Rock pins are like my Kryptonite or something.

    I am still totally loving my iPhone. One of the coolest pieces of tech I've ever owned. But today I did find something that's not so great about it... the camera. I purposely left my little Canon camera back in my room because I thought I'd take all my photos with the iPhone camera. But it turns out that the thing sucks pretty bad for photos. Low-light situations render the camera practically useless, and iPhone isn't much better in really bright light. Unless everything in the frame is perfect lit in a way that's not too dark and not too light, you ain't going to get very good pictures. Kind of sad for a $600 mobile phone, but I guess it can't do everything. Fortunately, Beth had her camera with her so I had something to post here today.

    Tomorrow it's back to work work work...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Davewaukee

    Posted on Thursday, July 26th, 2007

    Dave!Note to Delta Airlines... delaying a two-hour flight by 30 minutes because you are waiting for CATERING TRUCK is not cool. Not cool at all. I'm willing to bet a million dollars that if you had asked everybody waiting for that flight if they would rather take off on-time OR be delayed a half-hour so they could have a half-can of Coke and a snack on a short two hour flight... the vast majority would tell you to shove the Coke up your ass. Seriously. Thirty frickin' minutes late for a tiny bag of peanuts and a cup of soda? Are you shitting me?!?

    Anyway, just like iPhone had said, there were thunderstorms over the mid-west which made for a very bumpy flight. The ultimate irony would have been if it were too rough for beverage service, but the cabin stewards were real troopers. Probably because they were afraid the passengers would revolt if the half-hour wait for Coke was all for nothing.

    When I finally landed in Milwaukee, I was lucky enough to hop in a cab driven by a foul-mouthed taxi driver who loved saying the f-word at the end of every sentence. Curious to see if he would realize it, I started dropping f-bombs myself at every opportunity. If he noticed, he didn't react. Very quickly, my cab ride started sounding like an episode of Deadwood...

    Taxi Curses

    Twenty minutes later I was dropped off at my favorite of all Milwaukee hotels, The Intercontinental. Twenty minutes after that, I was eating giant beer pretzels at the Rock Bottom Brewery... a trip which was made slightly more difficult than usual because the Kilbourn Bridge that links the two was closed.

    And here is where things get interesting.

    As I was leaving the restaurant, I ran into a small group of people. One of the people in this group was a cute, but very, very drunk girl. The reason I say she was drunk was not because she was stumbling around and slurring her words... but because she was offering oral sex in exchange for a ride home. The group thought this was hysterical, and kept egging her on. I was tired and in no mood to deal with it, so I moved as far away from them on the sidewalk as I could, trying my best to blend in with the buildings.

    My efforts were in vain, because she ran up to me almost immediately...

    DRUNK WHORE: I mean it, whip it out and let's go!
       
    DAVE2: No, no... we can't have that. You might choke to death, and then where would we be?
       
        - At this point, her group is laughing uncontrollably -
       
    DRUNK WHORE: But I need a riiiiiiiiiiiiide!!
       
    DAVE2: Ah, sorry, I don't have a car. But if you want to walk back to my hotel, I'll give you a T-shirt.
       
    DRUNK WHORE: But I need a riiiiiiiiiiiiide!!

    She then goes stumbling off into the night... going wherever it is drunken women go on a Thursday night in Milwaukee.

    As I continue on my way back to The Intercontinental, I pass a very nice-looking restaurant that's completely dead. I can't see a single customer inside. In an effort to drum up business, the valet notices me looking in the window and asks me if I have ever eaten there. I say I haven't, and ask if they have a full bar. He says that they do, and I should go in and check it out. I then sigh and express my regrets... "I'd love to but, with any luck, there's a drunken whore waiting for me back at my hotel room."

    Alas, this turned out not to be the case, but it had such a nice ring to it that I'm going to have to keep it in mind the next time I need an excuse to get away from somebody.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Water

    Posted on Friday, July 27th, 2007

    Dave!I ended up working all day, escaping only long enough to grab an early lunch before being picked up for a meeting an hour-and-a-half away. Ordinarily this wouldn't give me much blogging fodder, except fate decided to intervene along the way.

    And everything began with Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five.

    For some reason I woke up this morning wanting to re-read Slaughterhouse Five for the hundredth time... probably because I've been getting lots of "friend requests" from GoodReads, and books are on my brain. I already have a copy of the novel back home (doesn't everybody?), but wanted to read it on the flight home Sunday, so I made a mental note to pick up another copy at the Border's down the street.

    When lunchtime came around, I headed out to the book shop, making a stop at Jimmy John's along the way (I don't particularly like their sandwiches, but they build them really fast, and I was in a hurry). Rushing through Border's, I find a copy of Slaughterhouse Five, then grab a copy of Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down (which I've been meaning to read, and noticed was on sale for $4.99 in hardcover!). After paying for my books, 25 minutes of the half-hour I gave myself for lunch have evaporated. I resist the urge to run back to the hotel, but start walking as fast as I can.

    With my mind focused on what I have to get done this afternoon, I round the corner on to North Water Street... and get sprayed with... water. Not a lot of water, but enough that my arm is wet.

    In a mild state of shock (and irony, this being Water Street), I turn to where the water originated and see a guy standing there with a water bottle and a smile on his face. He then screeches "WOOF! WOOF! BYE-BYE! BYE-BYE!" at me. Obviously the guy is mentally challenged, and suddenly I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to rip the bottle out of his hand and dump it on his head with the hope that he learns it's not polite to spray people, but I just stand there. Ultimately, I conclude that I have no idea what the etiquette would be for the situation, and start walking back to the hotel. No harm was done, my shirt will dry, and life will carry on.

    Except I keep reliving the moment over and over again in my head.

    And now I am really upset with myself for not having said anything.

    But not for the reason you might think.

    I am worried that this guy is going to spray somebody who won't care that he is mentally handicapped. Somebody who decides to beat the crap out of him. I thought I was being kind by ignoring what he had done, but now I am thinking that it might have been kinder to have said something.

    It's decisions like this which define us, and I think today I failed myself.

       

    Cries

    Posted on Saturday, July 28th, 2007

    Dave!My hand brushes lightly down the length of her thigh, resting just above the knee. A cloudburst had come earlier that morning and the smell of it had clung to the length of her hair, teasing me of summer rains from better days. Feeling very much at home I draw myself closer until it feels as if she was breathing for the both of us. Happy now, I close my eyes and drift away. As I leave the waking world behind there's a sound, subtle at first, keeping me from crossing over. Driven to distraction by something I cannot name, I hover short of unconsciousness, the ears of my mind's eye alert. Louder now, the sound comes to me. Crying? The enchantment of my hope for slumber broken, I awaken. The crying turns to a wail and saddens my heart. "Baby, what is it? Why do you cry?" But words do not come, just more cries of her anguish that grow louder and more painful as the minutes crawl forward...

    SQUAAAAW! SQUAAAAW! SQUAAAAAAAAAAW!

    I awaken for real this time, and scramble for my glasses on the bedside table. Who the hell is in my room and why are they crying so loud?

    But there is nobody in my room, and I quickly realize that the cries are those of birds flying outside my window.

    AT ONE O'CLOCK A.M.!!!

    What the hell? Don't birds frickin' sleep in Milwaukee?!?

    I never did get back to sleep. I tossed and turned for hours until 7:30 rolled around and I decided to get up and go to Bruegger's Bagels for some breakfast. They're not "real" authentic New York City bagels, but they don't suck too badly (and NYC is a fourteen hour drive from here).

    After a couple of hours spent following up on emails I figure I might as well write in my blog and then see if I can take a nap. There's a lot to do today, and being well-rested would help matters considerably.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 41

    Posted on Sunday, July 29th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday from mid-air as I cruise home on Northwest #807! And, since you're not allowed to be shooting bullets on planes anymore, I'm sure an Air Marshall will be along directly to escort me off the flight.

    • Security! I continue to be amazed (but not surprised) when people show up late to the airport and decide that they should get to cut in line at the security checkpoint because their flight is taking off in ten minutes. Tough shit! Maybe if you miss your flight, you'll remember to haul your lazy ass out of bed and get to the airport early like everybody else standing in line. I would have loved to sleep-in for an extra hour this morning, show up late, and then cut in front of the line... but I'm not a complete douche.

    • Erasure! Having never seen them in concert before, I leapt at the chance when I found out that Erasure would be playing in Milwaukee, and met up with blogging buddies Diane and Heather for the concert, which was held at the Pabst Theater...

    Erasure at the Pabst

    Erasure was formed when Vince Clark quit my favorite band ever, Depeche Mode, and split from his follow-up band, Yaz. The story goes that he had intended on doing some new music projects with a rotating roster of singers but, once he started working with Andy Bell, the partnership stuck and they've been making music for over two decades now.

    The show, as you would expect from a group with an ecstatic gay fan-base, was FAAAAABULOUS! All the music was beautifully keyed by Vince from his MacBook and a small sequencer, the three ladies backing up the group on vocals were suitably talented, and Andy... well, Andy was Andy... pouring his flamboyant little heart into a remarkable performance that elevated this concert to one of the best I've seen. Given the intimate nature of the rather small Pabst Theater, the glitzy stage for the show had to be condensed a bit, but was still nice. Our first balcony seats offered up a terrific view (thanks Diane!), and the sound was great. The set list had a large amount of new material, but it was the old favorites (like Chains of Love and A Little Respect) that brought the crowd to their feet. All-in-all, it was a great show and I would gladly see them again.

    Except next time I'll dress appropriately...

    Dave Erasure Angel

    • Young Love! Surprisingly, the opening act for Erasure was really pretty good. This came as a pleasant surprise, because usually concert openers suck ass. The band was called "Young Love" and had an eclectic rock-pop style that made them a good fit for the tour. I'm hoping that their stuff is available on iTunes so I can buy some of it.
    UPDATE: Yep, turns out they're on iTunes! Sweet!

    • iPhoneable! There are so many things I love about my new iPhone that it's tough to narrow down what's best about it. But right now it would have to be the fact that it has an unlimited data plan. Because nothing makes me happier than being able to tell overpriced airport internet providers to kiss my ass. Having to pay $9.95 for an entire day of access always pissed me off, because a layover doesn't usually go over 3 hours (and $10 for 3 hours is a big rip-off). AT&T's EDGE network may be slow, but iPhone allows me to use it for everything I need... checking email, approving comments, reading my feeds (thanks to NetNewsWire's brilliant new iPhone-optimized site), and kill time surfing the internet. One of my best purchases ever.

    • iDead! At least it was one of my best purchases ever until it died just now. With plenty of battery power, I was listening to music on the flight when iPhone just went black and would not turn back on. Taking a wild guess, I held down all the buttons at the same time and eventually iPhone rebooted and everything was fine again. Odd. Hope this doesn't become a regular thing.

    And that's it for Bullet Sunday because we'll be landing in 20 minutes. All I have to do now is change planes in Seattle, make one final hop over the mountains, and I'm home!

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Peace

    Posted on Monday, July 30th, 2007

    Dave!

    Monkeypeace

       

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Headset

    Posted on Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

    Dave!I am a total Apple whore, because Apple has actually earned my unwavering love and devotion over the years. I love their high-quality products, think they've created the best computer user experience on earth, and never think twice about buying their stuff because it always exceeds my every expectation. Until something went terribly wrong.

    I am not a big fan of bluetooth headsets, especially when they're being worn around when no phone call is taking place. As I've mentioned, I think it makes people look like they're a Star Trek Borg or a Giant Dick...

    Bluetooth Dick

    But they are handy to have when you are taking a long drive, and so I went ahead and bought Apple's specialty headset for my iPhone. It's pricey... $129... but I figure it's worth it if it will allow me to be safer while on the road. The unit was on back-order for several weeks, but finally arrived yesterday.

    If I were reviewing Apple's iPhone Bluetooth Headset, I could sum up my experience in four words... Steaming Pile Of Shit.

    Seriously. Worst. Apple. Experience. Ever...

    iPhone Bluetooth Headset

    When it arrived, I followed the instructions and "paired" the headset with my phone by using the included charging cradle. It's all very cool, because the iPhone then displays the battery level of both itself and the headset. Except the pairing doesn't work. I would pair them, even confirm they were paired in the iPhone settings, but nothing works. The phone would route sound to the headset, but no sound would come out.

    Referring to the inadequate documentation, I followed all the steps they offered... unpairing/re-pairing. Resetting the phone. Turning settings off and on. Blah blah blah blah. Eventually, some magical combination got the headphone working, even though the sound quality was not very good. Even worse, the unit does not fit in my ear very well (even with the foam pads they include). Any vigorous activity would cause the thing to fall out. Figuring that this was probably the way all Bluetooth headsets worked, I gave up and went to bed.

    Only to wake up and find that the headset had run out of battery overnight.

    After charging it up again, I had the exact same problem as before. The stupid thing would NOT play sound, even though the iPhone says it was sending the call's audio to it. I played around for an hour, following all the troubleshooting tips like last time, but never could get it to work again.

    Well fuck this.

    There is no way I am keeping this $129 piece of crap, so I go online to the Apple Store to arrange a return. Except, for reasons I cannot possibly fathom, Apple doesn't accept returns online for defective crap...

    Defective Apple Return

    How incredibly stupid is that? With no other choice, I wait for my lunch break to call AppleCare as requested.

    After welcoming you to AppleCare support, the computerized voice starts its spiel. Ordinarily, I don't mind automated systems, because they often prove to be more efficient at routing calls than real people. AppleCare's robot, however is particularly stupid. Here is what I remember from my first call...

    APPLECARE: Just say the name of the product for which you need support. For example, say "Mac Pro" or "iPod."
       
    DAVE: iPhone Bluetooth Headset.
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: I'm sorry, I don't recognize that product...
       
    DAVE: iPHONE BLUETOOTH HEADSET!!
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: I'm sorry, I don't recognize...
       
    DAVE: Operator.
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: The wait time for an operator may be several minutes. I've found that I can help most calls...
       
    DAVE: OPERATOR!!!
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: So I can route your call properly, please say the name of the product you are needing help with...
       
    DAVE: FUCK OFF!
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: Okay, what kind of iPod do you have? For example, say "Shuffle" if you are calling about an iPod Shuffle.
       
    DAVE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
       
    APPLECARE COMPUTER: I'm sorry, I don't recognize that product...

    When somebody fucking says "OPERATOR," that's the point when the automated system needs to IMMEDIATELY put you in the queue for an operator. Don't keep trying to convince people to use your stupid shit if they can't get it to work in the first place! This is remarkably bad form, and a true surprise from Apple, whose service is usually impeccable.

    A second call to AppleCare, and I get myself put in the iPhone Support queue... for 52 minutes... AT WHICH POINT THE SYSTEM HANGS UP!!! FIFTY-TWO MINUTES ON HOLD FOR NOTHING!!

    What the hell?

    This time I call The Apple Store, hoping I can return it directly where I bought it and bypass AppleCare. No go. The system immediately transfers me back to AppleCare... where my call is answered on the first ring! WTF?!? Then everything proceeds as it usually does, with my getting the immediate, friendly, competent service I'm accustomed to when calling Apple. They process my return in a few minutes, and I'm good to go.

    So I guess it nets out like this: Apple iPhone Bluetooth Headset: surprisingly bad. AppleCare Support: good as usual (once I finally got there). Not surprisingly, this bump in the road hasn't soured me on Apple much. I guess everybody screws up sooner or later. Perhaps because I am so ecstatically happy with my iPhone, it's easy to ignore my bad luck with the headset? This is easily the best mobile phone I've ever had, and I love it more every day. And, despite numerous warnings about AT&T's wireless service (or lack thereof), I've had excellent coverage everywhere I've been with it... certainly no better or worse than my previous service with Verizon.

    Anyway, I do find it comforting to know that my Apple Whore status remains unchanged.

    It's kind of nice to be a total whore from time to time.

    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Load

    Posted on Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

    Dave!Ohmygawwwwd!

    I've been desperately trying to get caught up with the massive pile of work that accumulated while I was away last week. This involves me working from the minute I get up every morning until a pass out from exhaustion every night. Ordinarily, such unending torture would be bad enough... but this morning things became further complicated when I awoke with "severe intestinal distress." A disappointing development to be sure, but I've got pills to fix such horrors.

    Except the pills didn't work.

    At least not completely.

    Which meant on top of my huge load of work, there was another potential huge load to worry about all day...

    Dave Toilet

    I'm afraid to speculate as to what might happen next. Am I going to wake up tomorrow and start projectile vomiting? I'm sure if it's contagious and will make my work day even more miserable and unproductive, I'll come down with it.

    Bleh. This is the second time I've been inexplicably afflicted this year. I can only guess that my colon is finally starting to stage some kind of rebellion against my love of chocolate pudding.

    Stupid colon.

    Is it too much to hope that this is the Norwalk virus, a parasitical infection, or some other kind of non-chocolate-pudding-related ailment?

       

    Early

    Posted on Thursday, August 2nd, 2007

    Dave!This morning I woke up, rolled over, looked at the clock, lost my mind.

    Given my insomniac-nature, I stopped setting my alarm clock a long time ago. I'm always awake long before it goes off, so why bother? Which is why I freaked when the first thing I saw after waking up was a clock that said "10:08" on it. "Holy crap!" I exclaimed, as a shot of adrenaline surges through me and I start bouncing wildly around the bedroom trying to get ready for work. Wanting to grab a slice of leftover cold pizza before hopping in the shower, I dash to the kitchen. And that's when I notice something odd.

    Turns out my clock wasn't displaying 10:08... it was flashing 10:08.

    The power went off last night, and my clock decided to display some random number on it.

    The actual time? 4:30am

    I'm not two hours late for work, I'm three-and-a-half hours early.

    Dave Fuck

    The odds of me being able to fall asleep for any meaningful amount of time before having to get right back up again is effectively zero, so I start in on work. And I work and I work and I work. Until I notice that it's 9:10, and I am over an hour late for work. Again. Kinda.

    Can't. Catch. A. Break.

    Except today was the day my new comic books arrived, and the current issue of The Brave and The Bold had George Pérez drawing both Batman AND the Legion of Super-Heroes, which is like a comic geek's dream come true. So I guess it's all good.

    Oh yeah... since I've (obviously) decided to keep my beloved iPhone, I went to AT&T today so I could have my old Verizon phone number transferred over. Right now I feel like I should say something mean like "suck it, Verizon!!" but I really don't feel that way. I have no complaints over the quality of their mobile network at all. About the only complaint I do have is that their phones are always older generation crap (when I bought my first phone there, they had ONE Bluetooth model, whereas all other carriers were swimming in dozens). And when Apple approached them to partner-up for iPhone, they refused. This was a huge opportunity for them to leap ahead of the curve, and they blew it. Well, I wanted a damn iPhone, and so I was given no choice but to switch carriers. And, despite all the warnings, I have been very happy with AT&T... from the backwaters of rural Georgia to Atlanta to Minneapolis to Milwaukee to Seattle and back home to the backwaters of rural Washington State... AT&'T's network has performed no worse than Verizon ever did. I'm sitting here with 5 bars and loving it.

    And now, if you will excuse me, I've got to go install new backup batteries in my alarm clock in case the power goes off again.

    UPDATE: EXCEPT I BOUGHT THE WRONG KIND OF BATTERIES!! Can't. Catch. A. Break...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Ponder

    Posted on Friday, August 3rd, 2007

    Dave!

       

    Ponder

       

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  42 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Philly

    Posted on Saturday, August 4th, 2007

    Dave!This is one of those rare days when I didn't leave the house. I've been home working all day long, despite the fact that it was an absolutely beautiful day out. Sadly, this doesn't give me much to blog about.

    Unless I were to write about the potato chips and Coke I had for breakfast. Cereal just seemed like too much work with all the pouring of the milk and finding a clean bowl and stuff... but hey, the bag of chips was already open. Anyway, I got to the bottom of the bag where all the crumbs were. Not wanting to waste them, I poured them into my mouth so I could finish them off.

    And nearly choked to death.

    It's funny what goes through your head as you are struggling to breathe. Things like "how do you do that self-heimlich thing again?" and "I wonder if my face is turning blue?" and "oh dear, I hope I don't crap my pants when I die... that would sure be embarrassing!" and, lastly, "what do I care if I crap myself? I'll be too dead to be embarrassed!"

    But eventually I managed to cough my way out of my death throes and live another day.

    At first I was glad to be alive. But then I looked at the pile of work I had left to do and was kind of sad. Being dead is an excellent excuse to take a vacation.

    Oh well.

    In other news across the blogosphere... ooh! ooh! ooh! Brandon finally spilled the beans!

    Philadelphia 2008

    2008 seems so far away...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 42

    Posted on Sunday, August 5th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday, and I'm running low on ammo!

    • Bourne! The latest (and final?) installment in the Jason Bourne film franchise... The Bourne Ultimatum... is finally here. And it totally kicks ass. I love that these movies are so brutally unforgiving with the action, and not afraid to fight dirty. The ending kind of meanders a bit, but there's enough going on earlier that it doesn't sink the picture. I really do hope that they find a way to continue with a fourth film but, if not, at least we've got a rejuvenated James Bond series to entertain us.

    • Talk! While seeing The Bourne Ultimatum in a packed theater, I found myself thinking of a new Dumbasses Book for my series...

    How To Shut The Fuck Up for Dumbasses

    There are entirely too many people in the world who simply cannot understand this simple concept, and about twenty of them decided to go to the movies at the same time I did.

    • Choke! Given my near-death choking experience yesterday, I find myself much more sympathetic to the choking of others. Ironically, the one piece of junkmail which managed to evade my spam-filter this morning had a subject line of "My boyfriend's phallus is too big for my mouth." I wrote back and wished her good luck with that... then included a link to the self-heimlich maneuver just in case she ever needs it. Poor girl.

    • Condiment!

    Salt and pepper

    • Vinyl! I finally broke down and purchased a USB turntable so I can get my extensive collection of 12-inch maxi-singles converted into digital format. It's been a long time coming, and I can't wait to have some great music from my past on my iPod. I would have preferred to spend the $100 re-purchasing the music at the iTunes music store, but the record labels stupidly refuse to make the entire back-catalog of an artist available for sale. And it makes absolutely no sense. There is no reason that an obscure B-side released by the Thompson Twins in 1986 should be out-of-print. DIGITIZE THE SHIT AND SELL IT! ALL OF IT! Since you don't have to produce a crap-load of CDs to sell music anymore, no music should ever... EVER... be out-of-print.

    Sigh. It's only 10:30, yet it seems much, much later. Oh well... nothing a handful of sleeping pills won't fix.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Fact!

    Posted on Monday, August 6th, 2007

    Dave!I was just flicking through channels and see that BravoTV is airing Eddie Murphy: RAW... except they are silencing all the curses. This makes the jokes incomprehensible, and renders the entire show 50% silent. Why even attempt run a censored version of Eddie Murphy standup? It makes no sense.

    Anyway, earlier today I mentioned on a message board that had I re-watched Battlefield Earth this weekend and was surprised that it wasn't as horrendously terrible as I had remembered. Sure the acting was mostly awful and the makeup on the Psychlos was embarrassingly bad (their "hands" didn't work, and looked like giant mittens)... but it had good FX, a passable (if implausible) story, and was decent mindless entertainment. Whatever...

    Battlefield Lame

    A couple of hours later, some dumbass leaves this enlightening response...

    "Don't be such a fag. Battlefield Earth sucked and that's a FACT!!!

    I ignored his obvious struggle with his sexuality, and went on to explain that Battlefied Earth "sucking" was an opinion, not a fact. Believe it or not, there actually are people who like it, and the flick did receive a few positive reviews by the critics. But, much like Bill O'Reilly, the moron simply could not distinguish between opinion and fact. The conversation immediately degenerated into idiocy, at which point I took my leave. I'd rather give up than waste time with inane crap like this.

    Much like I've given up on the antiquated and stupid state of patent law. I've written about the absurdity of the US patent system before, but without using curse words. Today I feel like writing about it again, but this time I can't be as generous in watching my language (much like Eddie Murphy in RAW)...

    Rated R

    If you're not afraid of the word "fuck" and aren't bothered by mindless ranting, then feel free to proceed...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Paris

    Posted on Tuesday, August 7th, 2007

    Dave!My first trip to Paris was an accident.

    My brother and I had just returned to London from a trip up to Scotland. When we arrived, the weather was miserable, and neither one of us felt much like running around the city in the rain, fog, and cold. Stopping in an internet cafe, we were going to look through Frommer's Online to find something interesting to do indoors, when I accidentally clicked on France instead of England in the little European navigation map. "Hey, you want to go to Paris?" I asked. "Okay" said my brother. So we booked a hotel on Expedia and off we went to the train station.

    Three hours later, we were wandering around the streets of Paris trying to remember what hotel we had booked. Since neither one of us understood a word of French, this was not an easy prospect. All the hotel names sounded the same. We ended up having to call back home to my mother, wake her up, and have her go to Expedia and tell us the name and address of the "third hotel down the list on the fourth page" ("PARIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN PARIS??") Of course, since we had not planned to visit Paris, this information didn't do us much good. We had no map and no way of knowing where the hotel actually was. Fortunately, the natives were very patient and friendly in helping us find it... a tiny little place with a view of the Eiffel Tower (if you stuck your head out the window and looked 90-degrees to the right).

    For two days, we bummed around Paris, hitting all the touristy spots... The Eiffel Tower... Notre Dame... The Louvre... and even the Arc de Triomphe...

    Dave at the Arc de Triomphe!
    Photo by my brother, a far better photographer than I will ever be.

    The visit was all too brief, but I fell in love with Paris and vowed to return.

    Which I did the following year. But this time, I studied a Pimsler French course for three months before the trip. Speaking the language made my visit much more enjoyable, and I had four whole days to visit as many museums as I could manage before returning to London. A few years after that, I was in Germany and decided to meet up with a friend in Paris. My French skills had faded, but I could still manage to ask for directions and carry on a simple conversation.

    The last time I was in Paris four years ago, I was dismayed to learn that my French skills were completely gone. I could barely manage to say "hello." When I got back, I immediately started listening to my Pimsler course again in an attempt to remember what meager French I had forgotten.

    Fast forward to last week, and Laurence over at Bee Happy asks me to guest-blog for a day while she is on vacation. In a bold move, I decide to write my entry in French...

    I'm in France, bitches!

    Two hours with my French dictionary (and absolutely no recollection as to how to construct a sentence) resulted in... something. Hopefully it's at least a little close to what I was wanting to say. My greatest fear is that I've mistranslated the text, and somehow end up insulting all of France. Since I would very much like visit again one day, the last thing I want is to be banned from the country over my crude French skills.

    UPDATE: Laurence has shut down her blog, but I was able to find an archived copy of my entry. If you understand French, the original "Bad French" version is below, so keep reading.

    If you don't speak French, Google can (kind of) translate my crappy attempt at French by clicking here.

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Self-Assigned

    Posted on Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

    Dave!BUILT-IN ETHERNET IS CURRENTLY ACTIVE. BUILT-IN ETHERNET HAS A SELF-ASSIGNED IP ADDRESS AND MAY NOT BE ABLE TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET.

    Sigh.

    I've got to start staying in a different hotel. Bad enough that this place doesn't have wireless and I have to bring my own ethernet cable for internet... even worse that it doesn't work half the time, so I end up having to drag my sorry ass down to the lobby for their crappy lobby wireless (which is almost as bad). Why is it some hotels just don't seem to get it? Most everybody NEEDS reliable internet now-a-days. If you don't provide it, and people are going to go somewhere else.

    Today was yet another three-hour drive through n-o-t-h-i-n-g to the "Inland Empire" of Spokane. It's a hypnotic journey of flat plains and wide-open spaces...

    Road to Spokane

    Road to Spokane

    The good news is that if you leave at the right time of day, you don't have to share the road with anybody. The bad news is that if you've done the drive once, you've done it a million times... and it's always the same.

    Of course, once you actually get to Spokane, you can drown your sorrows in two delicious slices of the Best Pizza in The Universe at David's Pizza...

    David's Pizza AGAIN

    I know I've blogged about this pizza like a hundred times now, but that's about all there is for me to write about here. I've lost count of the number of times I've taken that same photo composition, but oh well... here it is again: two slices of DaVinci pizza with a Stewart's Orange Cream Soda (which, coincidentally, is exactly what I would order for my last meal if I were on death row).

    After dinner, I went to go see The Simpsons Movie which was kind of boring. The show definitely works better when the writers are condensed for time on your typical half-hour episode. Giving them 90 minutes just drags everything out. The real reason I wanted to see it, however, was to know if anything in the film would have a lasting affect on The Simpsons' "universe." For one character it actually does, which made me a bit sad (hey, I liked that character!).

    And now it's time to head back to the lobby so I can post this. Fortunately, everything else I wanted to do on the internet tonight can be done on my iPhone while running around my hotel room in my underwear.

    They don't let you do that in the lobby.

    Categories: Movies 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Dazzler

    Posted on Thursday, August 9th, 2007

    Dave!Last night proved to be a productive evening for work, but a disastrous evening for catching up on sleep. The hotel was packed and people were slamming doors, running up and down the halls, and being overall obnoxious well past 2:00am. I remain dumbfounded as to why people act like such inconsiderate assholes at hotels... I am paying money so I can get some SLEEP!

    After dragging my exhausted ass out of bed, I was heading back to work when a parking enforcement scooter went zipping by me, lights blaring. At first, I was curious as to what would constitute a parking emergency, but all that vanished once I saw the model name of the vehicle...

    THE FUCKING INTERCEPTOR, BITCHES!

    INTERCEPTOR?!? At what point has anybody ever needed to "intercept" a PARKED CAR? The first laugh of the day is always the sweetest.

    Lunch, no surprise, was once again an orgasm-inducing pizza experience at David's. This time I tried a new photo composition, laying the Stewart's Orange Cream Soda on its side and flipping the pizza 180°. No matter how you shoot it, it still tastes amazing...

    David's Orgasm

    After lunch I had some free time, so I stopped by The Comic Book Shop to see what's new. Nothing could prepare me for what I found there...

    Essentialdazzler

    ESSENTIAL DAZZLER?!? Dazzler? Seriously? I always thought that the character started out as a joke. A sad attempt to capitalize on the fading popularity of disco music at a time when disco backlash was gaining momentum. Redemption finally came when Jim Shooter retooled Dazzler in the now infamous Marvel Graphic Novel #12... "Dazzler: The Movie." Outed as a mutant and unemployable as a singer, Dazzler finally came into her own and ultimately joined up with The X-Men in a series of fairly good stories. By the time she ended up with my favorite Marvel character, Longshot, I actually ended up liking her a bit (she was, after all, one of the few people to escape disco alive). I was afraid to even touch Essential Dazzler out of fear that I would have disco flashbacks and go insane.

    After work, the three-hour drive home was uneventful, as usual.

    But when I got there, my new toy was waiting for me... an ION iTTUSB 05 USB Turntable!

    Ion USBTT Turntable

    It's kind of weak in construction... just a big heap of lightweight plastic... but for $99, I'm not complaining. The important thing is that it actually works. The included Mac/Windows "Audacity" software isn't very intuitive (and only rips into WAV format), but I did manage to rip a few of my vinyl albums and 12-inch maxi-singles with decent results. I am most pleased. Now all I have to do is find the time to rip my entire collection, and I'll finally be able to have the last bit of my music in digital format. Sweet!

    Well, it's now 10:15 and my DVD of Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle just ended (how frickin' hilarious was Neil Patrick Harris in that flick?), so I'm off to bed early.

    Hopefully to get some sleep this time.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Chmeet

    Posted on Friday, August 10th, 2007

    Dave!In a mere two weeks, I'll be in Chicago for big-time fun and excitement, culminating in Saturday's blogger meet-up in the city on the 25th. Just like last year, the guest list is packed with a great bunch of people, and good times are sure to ensue!

    Right now, we are planning to meet for dinner at Pizano's on Madison, in The Loop. But before we can make reservations, we need a head-count. If you are able to attend, please email me so I can call up and make reservations next week. Even if you've already told me you're coming, It would be great to have confirmation that your plans haven't changed.

    Davecago2

    Last year, dinner was just the beginning, and the festivities continued on into the night, as we just couldn't get enough of each other. Talking with people who "get" blogging is a treat, and I cannot wait to hang out with everybody again this year. Hope you can make it!

    In other news, I've finally given up waiting for the mailing tubes to ever arrive for mailing out Artificial Duck Co. print and photo orders. I've done some test-mailings in boxes, and everything has arrived in great shape, so I'm just going to start mailing them out that way. This kind of makes me feel bad, because $5 of the price for the prints was to accommodate the cost of the tube and additional mailing charges. Now that I'm not using them, I've overcharged everybody by $5. To make up for it, there will be some extra goodies sent along with the orders. Again, thanks so much to everybody for their patience while I got this all sorted out!

    Artificial Duck Painting
    Cover of the Artificial Duck Co. Print and Photo User Guide Booklet.

    And now, it's time to get ready to head back to the coast for the weekend...

       

    Air

    Posted on Saturday, August 11th, 2007

    Dave!Who is the sadistic bastard responsible for designing the air conditioning in cars?

    As I was driving back over to the coast in the heat, I noticed that my air conditioner has four fan settings: dead air, light draft, wimpy breeze, and HURRICANE ASSAULT!! And then I started thinking back to the cars I've owned, the cars I've rented... basically every car I've ever driven... and realized that they were all the same. For some reason, they skip 2 or 3 steps before you get to "HI" which means you either bake or freeze...

    Air Conditioning

    I spent most of the trip trying to come up with that magic combination of fan speed and temperature that would make me comfortable, but never managed to find it.

    Eventually I shut the thing off and just rolled down the window.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 43

    Posted on Sunday, August 12th, 2007

    Dave!Home again, just in time for Bullet Sunday!

    Today, on a very special episode of Blogography, Bullet Sunday is overtaken by a new meme started by Lewis over at Spirit of St. Lewis called Highlights That Shaped Your Life. Lewis is curious to know about those once-in-a-lifetime moments where you just know that "this is one hell of a special time." Here are ten of mine that come to mind...

    1977 • Seeing Star Wars for the first time... Seriously, what geek saw Star Wars back when it was first released and didn't feel as if their life had changed?

    1978 • Reading Edgar Rice Burroughs' A Princess of Mars... Science fiction was a random encounter until I read the first book of ERB's John Carter of Mars novels. After that, I was obsessed. I devoured science fiction in every form I could find it. My obsession would solidify after I read Frank Herbert's Dune, one of the most mind-blowing science fiction epics ever written. Sci-fi is now such a huge part of me, that I cannot imagine my life without it.

    1979 • Buying Green Lantern #121 and The Flash #277... While out of my mind with boredom one day, I wandered downtown with $1 and no plans. I ended up buying my very first comic books so I'd have something to read. Thus began my lifelong infatuation with collecting comics, a hobby that has brought much entertainment to my life.

    Flash and Green Lantern

    1983 • Visiting New Orleans for the first time... I won a high school DECA competition and got to go to New Orleans... completely unsupervised... for a week before my senior year started. This resulted in many "first" experiences, which very much shaped (mis-shaped?) my life.

    1987 • Visiting my first Hard Rock Cafe... While vacationing in Maui with some friends in the late 80's, I happened upon my first Hard Rock Cafe. Needless to say, this had a profound affect on my life, as I've spent a great many of the years which followed visiting Hard Rocks around the world (current count: 106 properties). Though drastically outdated, I keep a journal of my Hard Rock obsession at DaveCafe.

    1996 • Visiting Japan for the first time... My first "real" trip outside the country was all by myself to Tokyo, which is about as foreign a culture as you can get from the US. I had already fallen in love with Japanese comics (manga) and animation (anime), but it was embracing Japanese culture... even for such a short time... which sparked my love of travel that continues to this day.

    1998 • Visiting Thailand for the first time... Of all the places I've been and seen, no one place has had a more profound affect on my life than Thailand. This was the trip that introduced me to Buddhism, a way of thinking which changed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

    2003 • Starting up Blogography... This is one of those rare events where you don't understand the significance of it until much later. I had been a blogger off-and-on for three years before I finally made a serious attempt at it back in April of 2003 (after a Blogography false-start in March 2002). Who knew?

    2005 • Standing on the Great Wall of China... A life-long dream was realized when I, at long last, walked along The Great Wall two years ago. This began a trifecta of visits to ancient engineering wonders, when I visited The Acropolis in Greece and The Great Pyramids in Egypt earlier this year. Pretty special indeed.

    2006 • DaveCago... I had met with fellow bloggers before, but the blogger meet-up in Chicago last summer was my first opportunity to hang out with a group of them. I had such a great time that I started meeting up with bloggers every chance I got, culminating with the amazing TequilaCon 2007 event in Portland, Oregon. If you haven't yet experienced the joy of hanging out with your fellow bloggers, there's a new meet-up in Chicago in a mere thirteen days, and TequilaCon 2008 comes to Philadelphia next Spring!

    And another Sunday bites the dust...

       

    Ringo

    Posted on Monday, August 13th, 2007

    Dave!Well crap. Mike Wieringo has died.

    I'm a regular reader of his blog, and loved the way he treated his fans to numerous sketches and drawings on a regular basis. So imagine my shock and sadness when today's entry was a notice that Mike had passed away.

    I realize that 99% of people are going to be saying "Mike Wier-who?!?" and have no idea who he is, but to comic book fans, this is a crushing blow. Mike Wieringo was an incredibly gifted artist who I envied on just about every possible level for his talent. If I were to describe his drawing style, I think "economical" sums it up nicely. The guy had this uncanny ability to use just the exact amount of line-work necessary in his art, and was never compelled to scribble in anything unneeded to camouflage his shortcomings... mainly because he didn't have any shortcomings. This stylistic approach gave him a beautifully clean style of drawing, which he enhanced with an exaggerated perspective that made everything he drew leap off the page...

    Mike Wieringo Fantastic Four
    Mike's Art for Fantastic Four #509

    My favorite work by Wieringo was his collaboration with Mark Waid on The Fantastic Four. I treasured every issue they worked on, and consider their run to be among the best FF stories ever made... right up there with the Lee/Kirby originals. I've re-read my trade paperback collections of those issues numerous times, and it is never lost on me just how much humor, imagination, and humanity that Wieringo managed to inject into those stories. Boy will he be missed.

    I'm feeling lazy, so it must be time for... One Sentence Commentary!

    One Sentence Commentary!

    The new iMacs... Sublimely beautiful, fairly powerful, and ultimately well thought-out.

    The new Apple keyboard... Initially confusing, ultimately delicious... I love mine!

    Karl Rove is retiring... Good riddance, you evil fucker.

    John From Cincinnati cancelled... Did anybody like this horrible mess of a show?*

    Merv Griffin dies... "So I came to Europe to kill... and it's really worked out very well for me!"

    SCO doesn't own Unix... Sucks to be you, losers!

    Ta dah!

    Ugh. I am really, really behind in my blog reading. And my email. And my work. And my comics. And my television shows (BURN NOTICE!!). And my snail-mail. And my laundry. And my life, I guess. Where does the time go?

       

    *And wasn't that like the WORST season-ending episode ever? I still think that John Monad was actually Shaun Yost from an alternate-reality future with a scrambled brain, but that's just the comic book geek in me talking.

       

    Scrumtrellescent

    Posted on Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

    Dave!So there I was minding my own business, trying to decide which flavor of popsicle I wanted for dinner last night, when my mobile started ringing. This made me happy, because iPhone is still new enough that it's funky maramba ringtone gives me a shudder of delight whenever I hear it.

    At least until I look and see that it's a "Number Blocked" call, at which time I have to decide whether or not I am going to answer it. Odds are, it's going to be a wrong number or somebody I don't want to talk to, otherwise they're number would be in my phone. Seeing that the only flavor of popsicle left is dreaded CHERRY, I close the freezer door and answer the call...

    DAVE: "Hello?"
    GUY: "Hey, did you lose your bag?"
    DAVE: "Huh?" I say, looking over at my backpack on the kitchen table.
    GUY: "I found this bag and there's no name in it... just this number on a paper. Is it yours?"
    DAVE: "Ah. No, my bag is here with me. Where did you find it? What's it look like?"
    GUY: (describes bag and location)
    DAVE: "Sorry, I don't know anybody who has a bag like that. What's in it?
    GUY: "Uhhh... like a sports bra type-thing, socks, ladies running shoes, and..."
    DAVE: "Wait a second... you thought this bag was MINE?"
    GUY: "Hey, I don't know what stuff you're into..."

    As I stood there with what's left of my manhood fleeing the scene, the guy says "this six could be a zero" and hangs up. I then start thinking of any attractive lady joggers I might have given my number to, realize I haven't given my number to a woman in years, then open up the freezer and grab a cherry popsicle I know I won't enjoy.

    Somehow it seemed appropriate.

    In other news, I finally caught up on my television tonight.

    Isn't Gabrielle Anwar totally scrumptrellescent in Burn Notice?

    For those not watching one of my favorite shows on television, Burn Notice is kind of like a dirtier version of MacGyver with more guns and overall nastiness. And it's got Gabrielle Anwar playing ex-IRA operative Fiona Glenanne, which is really all you need to know. What's amazing about her character is that she's totally raw, wears minimal makeup, and looks kinda rough. But she still manages to come off totally hot...

    Gabrielle Anwar

    It must be the way she kicks ass and is always wanting to shoot everybody.

    Or, more likely it's her body, which is fantastic. I would totally give her my number. Lucky for all of us that Burn Notice has been given a 13-episode second season order. Thank you USA Network!

    Now I must get back to work.

    And decide if I want to eat the last yucky cherry popsicle.

    =sigh=

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Upgrade

    Posted on Wednesday, August 15th, 2007

    Dave!Things may be a little strange around here for a few days. I am upgrading Blogography to Movable Type 4.0, and it will take some time for all the templates and stuff to be transitioned to the new format.

    The decision to upgrade something that ain't broken is always a difficult one, but I need to start learning the new system in anticipation of clients who ask me to work with it. I had thought about creating a test-blog, but ultimately decided to just forge ahead with this one. Your motivation for learning something new is considerably higher if you have something at stake...

    Upgrading

    Here's hoping that I don't totally f#@% things up, because I don't have a lot of time before I have to leave again.

    Say a prayer to the blog gods, because here I go...

    UPDATE: Okay... who didn't say their prayers! Things are so f#@%ed up that you'd swear I had planned this crap. Not only won't anything publish properly, but MT4 is balls-slow. As in agonizingly balls-slow.

    UPDATE: Oh shit! Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

    UPDATE: Hmmm... uhhh... comments are working again. Notifications are slow, slow, slow to arrive though... much like everything else.

    UPDATE: I kinda think that everything is working properly now. I had hoped to upgrade my templates to use some of the new MT4 features, but Movable Type's weak link has reared its ugly head once again... crappy documentation. You look up a tag that you want to use, and are presented with the bare minimum of information. No examples. No external references. Nothing. I would attempt to dissect the default templates to see how things work, but when you upgrade an existing installation (even to a clean directory), the default templates go missing. Any attempt to add a new template and copy over the defaults manually is defeated by missing links and modules that I can't seem to locate. Maybe when I have more time, I'll try again... but holy crap! This is VERSION 4 and there's STILL no frakin' documentation!! WTF? What good are new features if nobody can find out how to use them? Movable Type could be the greatest application in the universe, and it wouldn't mean shit because without good docs, who is going to want to work with it?

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  41 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Flash!

    Posted on Thursday, August 16th, 2007

    Dave!♫ Ahhh AHHHHHHH! He'll save every one of us! ♫

    I finally got around to watching the Sci-Fi Channel's Flash Gordon show. I was really stoked for the series, which is why I was devastated to find out that it sucks ass. This is probably one of the worst television shows ever, and that's saying a lot. Not only is the writing complete and total shite, but the acting is horrendously bad and the special effects (what few of them they use) are laughable. I can't find a single thing worth praising on this trainwreck of a series, and am dumbfounded that Sci-Fi... who are supposed to be fans of good science fiction... would screw things up this badly.

    Which begs the question... how could you possibly fuck up Flash Gordon? There's so much source material to work from.

    I mean, come on, the crazy-cheesey 27-year-old movie staring Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson, and Max von Sydow was sheer genius by comparison. I love that flick! Not only have I see the film dozens of times and purchased all iterations released that I could find (VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Import Special Edition DVD, and Saviour of the Universe Edition DVD), I've also got the movie poster framed and hanging on my wall...

    Flash Gordon Poster

    And here's the puzzler... the writing on this film was over-the-top, the acting was far from great, and the special effects weren't anything to write home about (though there was a musical score by Queen!). So why did the movie work, while the television show fails so miserably?

    BECAUSE IT WAS ENTERTAINING!! Hell, I'd argue that the FIFTY year-old Black & White Buster Crabbe serials were more fun to watch that this shitty television atrocity!

    In the movie, Flash was trying to save the entire earth. In the TV show, Flash was trying to find an iMac (or whatever). In the movie, Ming was a sadistically evil egomaniac. In the TV show, Ming is a whiny little bitch. In the movie, Dr. Zarkov is a brilliantly mad scientist. In the TV show, Dr. Zarkov is a bumbling idiot. In the movie, Aura is a brutally hot psychotic bitch. In the TV show, Aura is just plain boring. Much like the show itself... totally boring.

    Flash Gordon fans deserve so much better.

    Dave Flash Gordon

    With even a little effort and creativity, a new Flash Gordon show could have been brilliant. I was counting on it being brilliant. Instead I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

    Stupid Sci-Fi Channel bastards.

       

    Sprinkles

    Posted on Friday, August 17th, 2007

    Dave!"No. No. No. No. Nooooo..." I said quietly to myself, hoping the mantra would offer some protection... perhaps by rendering me invisible or causing the bitch to go temporarily blind.

    For the most part, I am a pretty social guy. But there are a few people that I just don't want to socialize with. Ever. One such person crossed my path quite unexpectedly as I was heading to the bakery for a donut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles on top...

    "Hey Dave!" she squeals.

    "Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill meeeee..." I scream in my head.

    Alas, no heart attack or drive-by shooting interceded, and I was forced into a conversation about inconsequential crap with somebody I despise. Ordinarily I'd feel bad about it, but she hates me enough to have screwed me over (alas not literally) on a couple occasions, so I don't.

    The fun part is that she doesn't know that I know. So I have to play nice in public.

    Errrr... unless she reads my blog.

    In which case I hope she leaves me a comment letting me know, so that I can stop pretending to be nice in public.

    Which sucks.

    Karma's pendulum of fate swung back in my favor, however, when I got to the bakery and snagged the very last donut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles on top.

    Proving that life is okay every once in a while.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Suitcase

    Posted on Saturday, August 18th, 2007

    Dave!I like to travel light.

    Even for a two-week trip, I'll just take a single small suitcase and have my clothes washed at hotels along the way. Unfortunately, my upcoming trip has me bouncing all over the place, so I won't be anywhere long enough for laundry service. This means I'll be taking my big-ass suitcase, which I really don't like at all. There's nothing quite like dragging around a pile of dirty clothes with you wherever you go (thank heavens for zipper baggies!).

    In better news... one week left to go...

    Davecago2 Lanyard

    Blargh. As I head off to bed now, I just realized that I have to get up in 3 hours so I can have time to finish my work and drive to the airport for my flight.

    That kind of blows.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 44

    Posted on Sunday, August 19th, 2007

    Dave!Since I'm flying to Chicago today, then driving north into Wisconsin, I've decided to bullet my entire day. Thanks to iPhone, it's a piece of cake.

    Delicious chocolate cake with sour cream frosting and a side of chocolate pudding with a glass of milk.

    • Crack of Night. Not "crack of dawn," because it's 4:10am, and dawn is hours away yet as I head to the airport. I've barely had three hours of "rest" (not sleep), so I can pretty much guarantee that this day is going to suck.

    • Pulled Over. The final stretch of road to the airport is well-known to be notoriously patrolled by the police. I know this, and yet I'm so tired that I wasn't even bothering to watch my speedometer... I just followed the car ahead of me. Unfortunately, this was not too bright, because just as I can see the runway, flashing lights come roaring up behind me and I notice that I'm going 47 in a 40 zone. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Rolling down my window, the officer says "And how's your day?" Trying to keep my disbelief from showing, I say "Well, it was going okay up until now." He finds this funny and replies "Eh, it will still be okay," and proceeds to let me off with a warning after calling up my flawless driving record. Pleasantly surprised, I find myself thinking that perhaps the day won't suck after all.

    • Check-In. Lovely. The first words out of the agent's mouth as I approach the counter are to tell me that there is a weather advisory for Seattle, and the plane may have to return to Wenatchee if they can't land. I guess the day is going to suck after all. An interesting aside... my big-ass suitcase was 1.4 pounds above the 50-lb. limit. I took out a pair of jeans and hit a weight of 49.9 pounds... sweet! No additional baggage fee for me! Of course, now I'm having to carry that excess weight in my backpack, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

    • Bitch-slap. Wenatchee's Pangborn Field is a tiny little airport served by one airline with minimal flights each day. Because Homeland Security fears that lax security at smaller airports poses a threat, the security team here is quite a bit more thorough than larger airports. This means passing through the check-point takes considerably longer because they only allow one person in the screening area at a time. This makes the line move agonizingly slow but, since the planes are so small, the wait isn't terrible. So when the dumbass behind me decides to advise me that I should unlace my shoes so I can be ready, I very nearly bitch-slap the fucker so hard his ponytail would snap off. "MY SHOES ARE ALWAYS UNLACED," I snap. "Uh... what?" he replies. "I DON'T LACE MY SHOES UP!!" I say even louder. "Oh!" He mumbles. The guy probably thought that I was blowing him off, but I was actually telling the truth. I haven't laced my shoes up all the way in nearly 20 years. But still, even if I did lace my shoes, what fucking business is it of his? If you're not with the TSA, kindly fuck off and don't tell me what to do.

    • Take a Seat. The flight-load out of Wenatchee is fairly light, so the post-security lobby is almost empty. Yet, despite an entire room filled with empty seats, a clueless couple decides to sit right next to me AND take my arm-rest. I try to be flattered, thinking perhaps they like the way I smell or something but, truth to tell, I just want them dead.

    • Strawberries & Ass. Across from me a woman is snacking on some kind of shredded-wheat-type cereal that has an obnoxious pink frosting on it. Even worse, the crap smells like strawberries and ass. I skipped breakfast this morning so I could eat in Seattle so, as hungry as I am now, even strawberry-ass cereal is making my stomach growl.

    • In-Flight. We are told, twice, that there will be air turbulence on the way over to Seattle, so no beverage service will be offered. Problem is that this was one of the smoothest flights I've ever had out of Pangborn Field, so I can only assume that the cabin steward lady was too tired and/or lazy to pour apple juice at 6:00am.

    • Unsurprising Delay. My flight into O'Hare has been delayed 30 minutes. Typical.

    • Breakfast Burrito. Sea-Tac International was remodeled a few years back, giving weary travelers a very nice open-air food court with plenty of eateries to choose from. The egg-and-potato breakfast burrito at Qdoba is especially delicious. I order a large one with extra cheese and a carton of milk.

    • BOSE Sucks! I really like my SURE headphones, but they don't fit into my iPhone, so I have to use this ridiculous adaptor. Problem is that the it sticks out pretty far and I keep smacking it with the stiff cords coming out of my earbuds. Terrified that I'm going to bust my glorious iPhone, I leave my SURE set at home because I know there's a BOSE booth at Sea-Tac. A sign on the booth says they open at 7:00am, but there's nobody there at 7:05am. With nothing better to do I decide to wait. Finally, at 7:22am, the booth bitch comes walking up with her cup of Starbucks. Apparently, her morning coffee is more important than getting to work on time. As I walk up to the kiosk, she immediately tells me "You'll just have to wait 5 minutes while I get set up." I'm pretty pissed, and tell her that "I've already been waiting 22 minutes and I'm not waiting any more." With service like that, BOSE can kiss my ass.

    • iPhone Buds. There's an InMotion store at Sea-Tac, so I wander in and see that they have some V-Moda "Vibe Duo" earbuds made specifically for iPhone. They tell me that the microphone isn't great but the sound is good, and offer to let me try a pair. I don't care about the microphone (as I rarely use a headset when talking on my iPhone) so I give a listen. The sound quality isn't as good as my SURE buds, but they have very nice bass and crisp hi-lights that make The Cure and Nine Inch Nails sound glorious, so I go ahead at dish out the $100 and buy them. I've been listening with the Vibe Duos for an hour now, and they aren't too bad... some songs suffer from the hi-lights being too crisp, but overall it's good so I'm happy with my purchase. You could certainly do worse where earbuds are concerned.

    • Storms of Chicago. Thunderstorms in Chicago have now delayed my flight even further. Two hours late and counting. Thank heavens I took that ass-early flight out of Wenatchee to make sure I had plenty of time for a connection! Word is that I may not even get out today. Waaahhh!

    • Muckie? Mookie? Woo hoo! I'm on the plane! My in-flight snack is an oatmeal cookie with blueberries. It doesn't taste like a cookie though... it kind of tastes like a muffin. I guess that would make it a muckie? Or a mookie? Maybe a coofin? Whatever it is, it tastes pretty good. But, then again, I'm really hungry.

    • Arrival O'Hare. I get to Chicago three-and-a-half hours late but, keeping in mind that there were other flights that got cancelled, I'm not going to complain. Except about the landing. The plane slammed onto the runway so hard that I think my brain got smooshed inside my skull. Seriously... I fly a lot, and this was pretty bad. I was expecting the landing gear to collapse we landed so hard.

    • P.T. Cruisered. My rental car ends up being a little P.T. Cruiser, which I have never driven before. Unfortunately, the high center of gravity PLUS the small size PLUS the torrential rains PLUS the crappy stock tires make this a terrifying car to be driving in bad weather. It wants to spin and slide on wet roads anytime you try to stop at speeds over 40mph. This has given me some terrifying moments as the roads gets worse and the visibility starts dropping. I'll bet it's fun to drive when the roads are good though.

    • Frozen Custard. I finally arrive at my destination in Wisconsin at 8:45pm. Because I haven't eaten anything except my muckie since 6:30am, I head directly to Culver's for some delicious crinkle-cut French fries and a caramel-cashew sundae. I embarrass myself by making yummy noises and having two orgasms while I eat my frozen custard.

    And I guess that's all she wrote!

    It is now 9:15, and I'm finally in my hotel room. I just found out that my work has been pushed back until late Tuesday (bleh!) so I now have an entire day-and-a-half to goof around. Who knows what trouble I'll get into tomorrow?

       

    Superbad

    Posted on Monday, August 20th, 2007

    Dave!My work schedule keeps changing. One minute I've got two days before I start... the next minute I've got two hours. This makes any grand adventure out of the question, so I decided to just wander down toward Milwaukee and catch a movie or something.

    But first, breakfast.

    Since it was 11:30am before I got my work situation figured out, I missed my breakfast window of opportunity... but still wanted breakfast. Remembering that Cracker Barrel serves breakfast all day, I decide to see if there's a location near me. Thanks to iPhone, stuff like this is simple...

    1. Wake up iPhone and select Google Maps.
    2. Enter my location and press the "search" button.
    3. Type in "Cracker Barrel" and press the "search" button.

    And, just like that, iPhone pops up with the nearest Cracker Barrel down on County Line Road Q in Menomonee Falls (if Apple ever adds a GPS unit, that would eliminate step 2...hint, hint). Have I said how much I totally love my iPhone?

    After a plate of eggs and corn bread muffins with a side of grits, I consult iPhone once again to see what movies are playing at the AMC down at the Mayfair Mall. Turns out that Superbad doesn't start until 1:40, so I decide to take a look at the new Apple Store at Bayshore Town Center in Glendale before I go. I have no idea where that is but, once again, iPhone comes to the rescue with detailed maps and driving directions, complete with traffic status. How did I ever get along in life without it?

    The Glendale Apple Store is nice enough, but it turns out that Bayshore Town Center is a kind of elitist-fascist shopping area with a "Code of Conduct" posted at the entrances. Rules include "no congregating in groups of more than four people" and "no profanity" and "you must carry photo identification" and "no unauthorized photography." This kind of scary crap made me feel very much out of place and unwelcome, so I decided to bail. But not before screaming "FUCK YOU BAYSHORE TOWN CENTER" at the top of my lungs and taking this completely unauthorized photo of the Apple Store there...

    Apple Store Bayshore Town Center

    Surprisingly, this anti-conduct behavior did not cause a swarm of security guards to come beat me up and kick me out of Bayshore Town Center as I expected. It's too bad, because then I would have REALLY had something to blog about.

    Then I was off to the much more sane and friendly Mayfair Mall, where I arrived just in time to see Superbad. Except not really. Once the twenty minutes of commercials, advertising, previews, and crap had aired, THEN I got to see the movie.

    Superbad was pretty darn funny, and seeing Michael Cera on the big screen just makes me miss Arrested Development all the more. Oddly enough, however, I found the main story-line with Jonah Hill to be kind of annoying... it was the sub-plot with two cops played by Bill Hader (funnier here than he's ever been on Saturday Night Live) and Seth Rogen (who co-wrote Superbad) that completely stole the show for me. Funny, funny, stuff... McLovin.

    Almost as funny as when I went to pick up my rental car yesterday and saw that two guys had decided to ignore the warning signs, arrows, and big-ass spikes so they could exit through the entrance gate...

    Severe Tire Damage

    I hope that they purchased the full insurance coverage option on their rental. But I'm guessing that they probably didn't, because once I got inside I noticed them in a heated discussion with the manager. I think that they were actually trying to blame him for their mistake, so good luck with that guys!

    And now I'm at work. But I can't hook my laptop up to internet here for some reason, so heaven only knows when I'll get to post this (my schedule has me working straight through until 9:00am). Bleh. Maybe I can escape for a midnight "lunch break" or something.

    UPDATE: And so I run back to my hotel where I will have internet to post this, and decide to stop at McDonald's for a large fries and a chocolate shake. But when I get to my room and open the bag, I see that my large fries is only HALF-FULL!!! Frickin' rip-off McDonald's bastards! Is nothing sacred?

       

    Three Spaces

    Posted on Tuesday, August 21st, 2007

    Dave!And so it goes...

    Bitch Got Three Spaces

    Bitch Got Three Spaces
    Lyrics and Music by Blogography Gangsta.
    Sung by Blogography Gangsta (featuring Snoop Dogg, G-Unit and 50 Cent).

    -!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-

    Eatin' out at The Hut,
       Getin' my pizza and sticks.
    Jonesin' for a frozen custard,
       Needin' to get in my licks.

    Rollin' over to Culver's,
       Dodgin' road construction.
    Speedin' down the Sixty,
       Wantin' creamy destruction.

    Cruisin' through the drive-thru,
       Handin' over four-nineteen.
    Roundin' the corner with my sundae,
       Diggin' the parking lot scene.

    Frakin' van parked sideways,
       Takin' up three whole spaces.
    Talkin' on her cell phone,
       Hogin' all the shady places.

    You ain't even a customer, bitch!
       Gotta be movin' your shit, bitch!
    Get the
    =beep= out my face, bitch!
       Else I pop a cap in your ass, bitch!

    Because I roll like dat.
    Because I smoke em' like dat.

    Parkin' in the sunshine,
       Soakin' up the heat.
    Scarfin' up my custard,
       Meltin' on the seat.

    Lookin' over at the talker,
       Lackin' any kind of class.
    Dreamin' of my vengeance,
       Beatin' on her cracker ass.

    Creepin' past the stupid ho,
       Slidin' my hand to my piece.
    Raisin' up my mini Canon,
       Snappin' the shutter release.

    Laughin' my ass off as I pass,
       Thankin' digital photography.
    Makin' yo inconsiderate ass famous,
       Postin' dis shit on Blogography.

    You ain't even a customer, bitch!
       Gotta be movin' your shit, bitch!
    Get the
    =beep= out my face, bitch!
       Else I pop a cap in your ass, bitch!

    Because I roll like dat.
    Because I smoke em' like dat.

    Because I roll like dat.
    Because I smoke em' like dat.

    -!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-

    — All lyrics copyright ©2007 by Blogography.

       

    Mashriqu'l-Adhkár

    Posted on Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

    Dave!When you find yourself driving between Chicago and Milwaukee time after time after time, you're always looking for something new and interesting to do. Today after work had FINALLY finished, I was planning on visiting America's Black Holocaust Museum in Milwaukee, only to find out that they were closed for "summer break." To which I can only say "WTF?!?" Summer is when the most people take their vacation time and can visit your museum! Oh well. I guess I'll be saving that one for another trip.

    With the museum out of the picture, I consulted a page of notes I keep about things to do in the Milwaukee and Chicago area. It's an ever-growing list of stuff I run across in magazines, web sites, or TV shows that sound like something I might enjoy. Buried in middle of the list was a single link and these words...

            Wilmette Bahá'í - Timothy.

    And that's when I remembered that Timothy had written about a wonderful visit to the Bahá'í Temple in Uganda, and had mentioned that there was another north of Chicago. So, after consulting iPhone for an address and directions, off I went.

    And what a sweet decision that was. The Bahá'í House of Worship (Mashriqu'l-Adhkár in the original Arabic) was completed in 1953, and is an extraordinarily beautiful building that has to be seen to be belived...

    Baha'i House of Worship Chicago

    Baha'i House of Worship Chicago

    You can't take photographs inside, but the ornate carvings continue once you enter the building. The dome is a remarkable piece of architecture because those carvings go all the way through, making it particularly beautiful as the light streams through the holes. The building itself is open to the public (no admission fee), and is meant to be a peaceful place for people of all faiths to come and pray or meditate.

    I have a fleeting knowlege of the Bahá'í Faith because some friends I know are followers. In many ways, it's a nifty religion, attempting to unify different faiths by looking at them as manifestations of the same single God. This means that divine religious figures such as Jesus, Buddha, and Muhammad, all come from the same place and are teaching different aspects of a single religion. This principle is so important that symbols of these other religions are carved on the outside columns...

    Baha'i House of Worship Chicago

    (And, just because there's always somebody dying to make a smart-assed remark about Buddhists being Nazis, I should post a reminder that the swastika was used as a religious symbol in Hindu and Buddhist faiths thousands of years before Hitler was even born, and is used even today to mark Buddhist temples on maps in Asian countries).

    There are currently seven Bahá'í Houses of Worship world-wide... Wilmette, USA - Kampala, Uganda - Sydney, Australia - Frankfurt, Germany - Panama City, Panama - Tiapapata, Samoa - Delhi, India (which is the most visited buildings in the world, and widely regarded as one of the most beautiful structures created). I can't help but wonder if I should make future travel plans around visiting all of them? Heaven only knows they are located in some interesting places.

    And now, a few random bits to close out the day...

    • Lightning storms were so bad last night that the power went off at 4:00am this morning, right in the middle of work. This delayed my already-delayed project another three hours, which meant I got next to NO sleep over a 38-hour period. Good times.
    • Hating is bad, and I try very hard not to hate anybody or anything. That being said, I hate, hate, HATE hotels that have a check-out time earlier than 12:00 noon. HATE THEM!! I don't care how many stars you have or how highly you are rated, if you ask people to check-out before noon, you are a crappy hotel. Sadly, this is a growing trend, and more and more hotels are adopting this horrible policy. What's next... somebody breaks into your room at 8:00am and tosses you out the window?
    • When I checked out of my hotel in Wisconsin, I was sure to get some dollar bills so I had money for the highway tolls. This was great, until I found out my exit has an unattended plaza which claims to have a CASH lane, but only accepts COINS. With no warning and no way of turning around, all I could do was toss in the only coins I had... 65¢... and continue onward. When I got to my hotel, I was going to look up a phone number on the internet so I could find out how to avoid being arrested, and instead found that you can pay a missed toll online. Sweet!
    • But I'm still pissed. If an exit only accepts coins... WHY NOT WARN PEOPLE BEFORE THEY EXIT, YOU DUMBASSES!!
    • I was nearly wiped off the road when a semi truck decided to turn into my lane, apparently not seeing that I was already there. My only option was to speed up as fast as I could so I could slip into a hole in left-lane traffic before he hit me. Despite the fact that I was honking my horn, he never once veered from his course, and didn't even look at me as I passed. Scary.
    • So iPhone is not perfect after all. After you use Google Maps for an extended period of time, it will start crashing with increasing frequency any time you try to access a map. Also, iPhone forgets where you last were on a map when it crashes, meaning you have to start all over again. Lame! I finally solved this by re-booting, but it's pretty annoying to have to do this at a critical time when you are relying on having a map handy.
    • As I was fighting nasty traffic all the way back to O'Hare International, I looked over and saw a man driving with his lap full of dogs... there must have been at least three of them. They were all jumping around and going crazy as he was trying to drive, and I kept waiting for him to lose control and plow into me. Just when think that people can't get anymore stupid, something like this proves me wrong.

    And I guess that's my Wednesday. Now, if you will excuse me, I think I will lapse into a coma.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Spiders

    Posted on Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

    Dave!This morning I sat in my O'Hare hotel room staring at the traffic updates on my iPhone. The route into the city was flashing a lethal-looking red, so I figured there wasn't much point in leaving until the roads opened up. Otherwise, I'd just be paying for a taxi to sit in traffic as the meter racked up an already-huge fare.

    Eventually around 11:00, there was enough green showing on the traffic monitor that I decided to head into the city and check-in to my hotel.

    The first thing I did when I got to my room was throw open the window. It was a glorious day and, unlike most hotels, the windows here are not limited to opening just a few inches (I guess they're not worried about suicide jumpers). It's hot outside, with a few scattered clouds and beautiful blue skies...

    Chicago View

    While soaking up the atmosphere, something blows up against me and I look down to see this little card sitting in the window sill...

    Chicago Spiders

    WTF?!? Beware of the spiders? SPIDERS?!?!

    Then I look outside the window pane and see that, sure enough, there's little spider webs all over the building exterior. Then it hits me... GAH!! SPIDERS!!!

    I think my worst nightmare would be to wake up in the middle of the night, notice that there's a strange tickling sensation on my face, then turn on the lights only to discover that my bed was covered in spiders. So, uhhh... yeah... we'll just close the windows and enjoy the view that way.

    Around 1:30 I went to have lunch with a good friend and ex-coworker I haven't seen in a while. Everywhere I looked it was absolutely beautiful out, so we decided to eat outside. The heat was pretty intense, but an occasional breeze made things bearable. An hour-and-a-half later, lunch was over and I decided to head back to my hotel and catch up on some work. It was noticeably darker out, and I saw that additional clouds had started rolling in...

    Chicago View

    By the time I actually made it to the hotel, the weather was positively grim. Thunder was echoing in the distance, and rain had started to fall. The scene out my window just two hours after the first photo above had been taken was quite a bit different now...

    Chicago View

    Oooh! And there goes massive lightning flashes with thunder so loud that my windows are shaking. Sweet! You can't tell by the photo, but the rain is actually falling sideways. And the sky just keeps getting darker and darker, so I'm not sure what we're in for here in The Windy City. I'm guessing it's an alien invasion.

    Maybe I should just crawl under the covers and try not to think of what might happen. After all, now that I have the spiders crawling around in my mind, do I really need something else to worry about?

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Callers

    Posted on Friday, August 24th, 2007

    Dave!Bee-Boop!

    It's a sound I remember well. A sound I loathe with every fiber of my being. A sound I thought that I had eliminated from my life forever.

    Bee-Boop!

    It's that annoying sound that a Motorola mobile phone makes when the battery is running low. Last night some dumbass in the room next to mine left his dying phone behind while he was away. I can only imagine that he was out banging some crack whore, and didn't want the inconvenience of having his wife call while he's acquiring his latest STD (why else leave your mobile behind?).

    Bee-Boop!

    Meanwhile, I had to try and work while that stupid mobile phone kept begging for somebody to charge it. Eventually I cranked up my iPod so I wouldn't hear it, but that's not the way I work best. I need silence.

    Bee-Boop!

    The owner eventually returned around 10:40pm... but waited an agonizing ten minutes before plugging-in his phone (sorry buddy, but washing your dick in the sink is no substitute for a shot of penicillin). Silence was mine at last, and I started in on my work once again, confident that my troubles were over.

    I would be wrong, of course.

    Around 1:30am I was beyond tired and decided to finally drop into bed. I took a couple of sleeping pills, hoping that I might be able to sleep-in late and get a full eight hours rest for once. Heaven only knows I need it after a week of not getting much sleep at all.

    But the phone rang at 7:00am, waking me from a dead-sleep...

    Dave Fans?

    Since they hung-up on me, I'll now take a minute to respond...

    Dear Anonymous Blogography Fan Callers,
       
    Thank you so much for your phone call bright and early this morning at 7:00am! I cannot help but be touched. It's people like you who make my blogging experience all the more satisfying and worthwhile. By taking the time to let me know just how much you care, I'm even more inspired to keep writing in my blog. Your enthusiasm and kind words are a beacon of light in the darkness of my existence, and I am ever so grateful to you for sharing your feelings with me!
       
    Love You!
    Dave2

    And one more thing before I forget...

    Note to Self

    After napping for a couple more hours, I had to go out most of the day for work. Around 2:00 it was scorching, and I decided to take a break from the heat. I bought a bottle of Vitamin Water and took a seat in front of an office building where they were kind enough to put benches around a large planter. While I was sitting there, I looked down and noticed a small worm struggling on the hot sidewalk. It had rained earlier, which probably drew him out of hiding, but now all the moisture had evaporated leaving him high and dry. I was pretty sure the little guy was a goner, but I kicked him aside, picked him up, then set him in the planter under the shade of some greenery. Maybe he would get lucky and recover.

    A woman sitting two seats away from me was talking on her mobile phone loud enough for me to overhear her disgust as she said "Gross! Some guy just picked a WORM up off the STREET!!" I immediately turned towards her and said "Don't worry, if you were to collapse dying on the sidewalk right now, I wouldn't lift a finger to help YOU out."

    Then I walked away mad at myself because I knew that I undoubtedly would help the bitch if she collapsed on the sidewalk.

    But I'd "accidentally" step on her mobile phone and smash it into a million pieces while I was trying to save her hater ass. Karma, and all that...

       

    Wesley

    Posted on Saturday, August 25th, 2007

    Dave!Two of the hotel spiders have disappeared, leaving me with one sole window-mate remaining. At first I thought that he might be dead, but then I saw him wandering around his web and upgraded his condition from "dead" to "feisty zombie." He's out for blood alright, and it's only a sheet of double-paned glass that separates him from mine.

    From a distance, Wesley (that's what I named him) is a fairly innocent-looking creature. He's small (less than an inch in length) and could even be considered "cute" if you can get past the fact that he'd gladly kill you if he had a bit more size on him. But when you put your camera on super-zoom, Wesley looks pretty terrifying...

    Wesley Spider

    He's not somebody I'd like to have as a house-guest, that's for sure.

    Anyway, I'm all ready for Davecago2 tonight, and am really looking forward to seeing everybody...

    Ready for Davecago

    UPDATE: Well, I was planning on posting about the event tonight, but it's past midnight and I have to be up at 5:00am... so I guess my Davecago wrap-up will have to wait for another day. Suffice to say that it was big-fun, as always, and a big thanks to everybody who made the trip!

       

    Bullet Sunday 45

    Posted on Sunday, August 26th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday back at home, as I return from a week of fun and excitement in the Mid-West. Well, at least ONE day was fun and exciting... most of the rest was nothing but hard work and sleepless nights. Right now I'm exhausted and feeling thoroughly worn out, which is why I'll be off to bed directly after finishing up this entry.

    • Davecago2... Nothing makes me happier than adding people to my "Bloggers I've Met" list that's growing ever-longer in my sidebar. So, in addition to Ariana, Diane & Evan, Gary, Jenny, Kevin, RW, Mrs. RW, this year's Chicago Meet-Up happily allowed me to add three new bloggers to the list...

    • Ajooja: Formerly the author of two blogs I've really enjoyed, it was great to finally meet Ajooja at long last. On top of being a nice guy who is fun to hang out with, he's a fantastic writer who expresses himself with a sense of humor and humanity that makes reading his blog an intimate experience. So intimate that, much like Delmer and Tonya, I find myself rarely being able to comment on his entries... not because I don't have the time (my usual excuse)... but because I feel that adding a comment is almost like an intrusion into something that's already complete as it's been written. I've been a fan of Ajooja since the very beginning, but anybody who's new to his blog should do themselves a favor and dig into the archives, as there's absolute gold to be found there.
    • Ilax Studio: Probably one of the most hardcore bloggers I know of... mainly because she codes each entry in HTML by hand... I've been reading Kimberly's blog for over a year now. Even when she was living in Italy and my jealousy was near-maniacal. What impresses me most about Kim is not the fact that she's witty, charming, and can endure the pain of walking on shredded feet like a real trooper, but the fact that she would take time to meet with fellow bloggers when she's getting married in a week. Not only that, but she brought along her future-husband, which is kind of a risky proposition when you think about it... we bloggers are a strange lot, to be sure, and can be a scary experience for the uninitiated. But Steven handled it all like a champ, so many congratulations to you both!
    • A Little Bird Told Me...: Robin's writings are probably one of the smartest uses of a blog I've been lucky enough to find. She's blogging a collection of letters from the 1940's that spans ten years in the lives of ten brothers and sisters (including her grandmother). It's an utterly fascinating glimpse into the lives of a family scattered across the US, and has "...compiled an interesting family history that starts in the thick of World War II and continues on through post-war years and the new found prosperity following times of war rations. Through their eyes, we get to experience the advance of airline travel, something we absolutely take for granted these days." The fact that Robin is willing to share this amazing find with her readers makes "A Little Bird Told Me..." worth a visit (and it's best to start at the beginning now, while you're only a month behind!).

    Excellent blogs, all of them.

    And lastly, truly... from the bottom of my heart... thanks again to everybody who took time out of their weekend to come eat pizza and visit. Saturday meant a lot to me, and it's always an amazing feeling to connect with my fellow bloggers up-close and in-person. Hopefully we can do it all over again next year!

    • Bob 'Maters... RW and Mrs. RW arrived at the festivities bearing gifts... in the form of two perfect garden-fresh tomatoes. I was then charged with the rather daunting task of getting them home in one piece and squished-free. The box I had for them was too small, so I ended up protecting them the best I could with T-shirts and books. Fortunately, airport security decided that they were not a liquid or gel, and they survived the trip in perfect shape. It was Mrs. RW who suggested a BLT sandwich so, after micro-waving some veggie bacon, lunch was served...

    Bob Maters

    Needless to say, my sandwich was totally delicious. Few culinary delights can compare to a garden-fresh tomato! Except chocolate pudding. Or maybe chocolate cake. Or perhaps even ice cream. But yeah, a garden-fresh tomato is hard to beat.

    • Pizano's... Choosing a pizza restaurant in Chicago is a tough thing to do, because there are so many good ones to pick from. For the most part, any pizzeria worth its salt will be able to get a Chicago-style deep-dish pizza right, as it's one of the city's signature dishes (I'm partial to Giordano's for deep-dish, but have had many great pies from many terrific Chi-Town restaurants). What's more difficult is finding a pizzeria that serves a good deep-dish AND a terrific thin-crust pizza. And for thin-crust, it's tough to beat the cracker-crispy "butter crust" from Pizano's. So many thin-crusts are boring and flavorless, but all that butter does wonders here...

    Pizano's

    If you're looking for good pizza in Chicago, you might want to give Pizano's a try.

    And it's midnight. Time for sleep...

    Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Wrong

    Posted on Monday, August 27th, 2007

    Dave!And so I'm back from Chicago browsing through all the TV shows stacked up on my TiVo, when I notice that one of my favorite shows, My Boys has several new episodes waiting for me. I've always known that the show is based in Chicago, but I never realized how entrenched the show is in Chicago until tonight. The characters regularly drop the names of Chi-Town locations I've been to or through, but it wasn't until they talked about eating tapas at Emilio's that it finally sunk in. That's the restaurant where RW invited me to dinner, then subsequently went insane and had to be taken away by the police (or something like that). It's cool to know that not only is the show funny, but it works hard at being authentic as well.

    Anyway...

    On the way home from work today, I made the turn onto my street and noticed something odd in the distance. A car on my side of the road was going in the wrong direction, heading straight for me. Thinking that it was a temporary adjustment because of a cat or pothole (or whatever) on their side of road, I wasn't worried. But he never went back into his lane. He kept coming. My concerned deepened when he started honking his horn as he approached. Not knowing what else to do, I slowed down to a near-stop, and waited to see what's going on. But the guy kept coming. And once he got almost to the hood of my car, he swerved into the proper lane (still honking), flipping me off as he passed, then went back into my lane.

    And then it happened.

    Suddenly I found that I was doubting myself over something I knew to be correct.

    "Holy crap! Am I driving in the wrong lane?!?"

    It was only for a fleeting second that I thought the right lane was the wrong lane, but it's been bothering me all night. I'm a total genius! How could I question myself like that? Especially over something so fundamental like driving, which I do every day.

    It's a mystery. And I still don't know why that guy was driving on the wrong side of the road. Perhaps he just got back from living in England or something? Dunno.

    And, lastly, speaking of wrong...

    NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    Geeks of Doom is reporting that Keanu Reeves has been tapped to play Klaatu in the remake of one of my favorite films ever, The Day The Earth Stood Still. I mean, come on, the movie really doesn't need to be remade in the first place... but Keanu Reeves?!? That's like getting Bender from Futurama to play the intergalactic peace-keeping robot Gort...

    Keanu Day The Earth Stood Still

    Heh, heh, heh... "Klaatu barada niktooooo-bite my shiny metal ass, humans!"

    It's a sick, sad world.

    Categories: Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Cuteness

    Posted on Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

    Dave!Why is it considered "cute" if a cartoon penguin pulls out a gun and threatens to shoot somebody... but if I were to do that I'd probably end up arrested?

    The Penguin
    Feathers McGraw from Wallace & Gromit in The Wrong Trousers

    I need a Davecation.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    L.A.

    Posted on Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

    Dave!Today has been a much better experience than yesterday. Instead of wanting to shoot people in the face, I merely want to break their knee-caps or give them a wedgie or something. Of course, I'm blogging early, and so there's plenty of room for massive trauma to strike before the day is done.

    That probably sounds pessimistic, but I prefer to think of it as realistic. And THAT probably sounds defeatist, but I prefer to think of it as not setting myself up for disappointment.

    In other news... it is SO on, bitches!

    Dave L.A.

    I don't know where or what time yet (suggestions welcome!), but I will be working in La La Land during the week and totally ready to meet on Saturday for big fun and excitement. So if you think you'd like to come hang out with swell bloggers and have a bite to eat, please email me at dave@blogography.com so we can get a head-count and I can make name-lanyards and reservations and stuff. Hope you can make it!

    I haven't asked Paris if she'll be able to attend yet (she's working on both a new album and a new book), but I've got my fingers crossed...

    I totally love Paris!
    Lil' Dave is totally not wearing panties in this shot...

    Next up will be Orlando, hopefully in October, but I haven't planned my schedule that far out. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow.

       

    Blaaaaaargh!

    Posted on Thursday, August 30th, 2007

    Dave!It's 9:00pm and I'm already in bed. DYING!!!

    I think I'm coming down with something. Perhaps the ebola virus or the Black Death or whatever other plague-like horror is in fashion these days.

    It all started this morning when I awoke in a haze, not feeling myself at all. It was kind of like my mind was off sitting on a shelf somewhere, and my body was moving around all independent and zombie-like. Such as when I found myself standing in the shower trying to remember if I had already shampooed my head or not, then deciding to shampoo anyway just in case. Everything went downhill from there. I think the worst part was when I stopped at a stop sign on the way to work and then forgot how to drive my car for a minute. By the time I remembered how to engage the clutch, I forgot where I was going and how I got there. At first I thought that this was a good excuse to go eat ice cream, but then a vague recollection of having to go to work floated across my mind, ruining an already bad moment.

    It must be time for some... oh crap... I just remembered that I dropped an Airborne tablet in a glass of water a half hour ago and forgot to drink it.

    Excuse me for a minute...

    Well that tasted lovely. Kind of like a cross between 7-Up and battery acid, I'd imagine. I wonder if Airborne can cure an ebola virus outbreak? Hmmmm... probably not. I would think you'd need Pepto Bismol for that. Pepto Bismol can cure anything.

    One last thing before I go... if I should happen to actually die from this, please everybody remember to follow my last wishes as to how I want to be buried. Thanks!

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Crankypants

    Posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007

    Dave!On top of having the ebola virus (or whatever), I find myself to be in a really cranky mood. I was forced to leave work early because my eyes would not stop watering, and so now I'm even farther behind than ever. Just writing this blog entry is a huge effort that's probably going to take forever. Since I am mostly incoherent, I should probably just lay down some bullet-points full of whining and be done with it.

    • Desktritus... Avitable has picked up on a meme whereas you share a photo of your desk. Of course, anything Avitable does seems to propagate through the blogosphere like a wildfire, meaning that if I don't participate there must be something wrong with me (even RW is doing it!). The problem is that there IS something wrong with me and I'm at home sick. This means I can't snap a photo of my nicely-organized work desk... oh no! I have to use a photo of my home desk, which is pretty much a disaster area that should be condemned...

    Dave's Home Desk

    Here you go Avitable, you bastard!
    0) Business cards from people I will never contact, 1) A stack of books to read (probably recommended by Vahid), 2) A bottle of melatonin, 3) A pencil cup with my Maui shark keychain and assorted pens, 4) A plastic bag with a defective camera lens in it, 5) Two tarot card decks (I'm making my own Bad Monkey Tarot, and need them for reference), 6) An unused plastic rain poncho I got from Disney World, 7) A shot glass from my trip to the Hard Rock Lisbon, 8) Coin cups from the Hard Rock Casino Las Vegas with loose change inside, 9) My Rosetta Stone French course, 10) My Mac G4 Cube that I can't bear to get rid of, 11) A container full of Lego pieces, 12) A spare blanket from my car, 13) A container with Farscape trading cards and autographed photos of the cast, 14) A bag of rejected shirts from the Artificial Duck Store, 15) A box of souvenir crap from my trip to China, 16) A bag with an original Chris Ware print from a trip to Chicago needing to be framed, 17) A container filled with Japanese manga comics, 18) A tube with a poster from my trip to The Vatican Museum, 19) A hardcopy of my book, 20) A stack of comics I've read and need to file away, 21) A mess of cables and a LiveStrong bracelet, 22) A voodoo doll from my trip to New Orleans that really works, 23) My Sully plush from Monsters Inc., 24) My old Nintendo DS, 25) My Batman alarm clock that Karl gave me at TequilaCon, 26) My iPhone and glasses, 27) My MacBook Pro, 28) Old film negatives that I need to send in for scanning, 29) Comics to read, 30) Buttons left over from Davecago2, 31) Comics to read after I have a few more issues.

    Yeah, that's pretty bad. But, in my defense, I've been traveling and working a lot and haven't had much time to clean it up around my home.

    • Theft... I am constantly getting emails from people telling me of dumbasses who steal stuff from Blogography and try to pass it off as their own. Whenever I confront these idiots, it's always the same story... "I just wanted to share it with my readers!" Well, if that's all you wanted, then why not link to the original source? Or, if you simply must post it on your site, why not at least credit where you took it from? Otherwise, you're nothing more than a douchebag thief, passing off somebody else's work as your own.

    My Creative Commons license is very generous. As long as you aren't a commercial site making money off my stuff, go ahead and take anything you want... as long as you credit me as the creator with a link to the source material. If you don't credit the source, you're breaking my copyright and the law. If you post my material on a site whose primary function is selling advertising, that's a commercial site and your're breaking my copyright and the law (even if you credit the source). It's not rocket science, it's the difference between right and wrong, and I'm tired of it. If you are totally incapable of saying anything original and have to steal all your content, then just give it up you thieving hack.

    • NBC... I pay for DirecTV, so I don't buy many television shows online. I prefer to wait for the DVD. The only exception are those times I miss an episode, or I'll buy shows just to have something to watch when I'm stuck somewhere without entertainment. This is why Apple's iTunes Store is so great... it's so easy to buy a shows whenever you want. The $1.99 price tag is a bit steep for what you get, but I'm willing to pay the money for the convenience of it all. Except now NBC Television has decided to pull out of the iTunes Store because they want $4.99 per episode, and Apple (quite rightly) said no. IS NBC OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS? Let's take a look at current options for obtaining television programs. As an example, I am using the first season of NBC's hit program Heroes...

     
    Current
    iTunes
    NBC
    Wants
    DVD
    HD-
    DVD
    Bit-
    Torrent
    Cost/
    Episode
    $1.99
    $4.99
    $1.60
    $3.04
    $0.00
    Cost/
    23 Eps
    $45.77
    $114.77
    $36.89
    $69.85
    $0.00
    Cost/
    Season
    $42.99
    ???
    $36.89
    $69.85
    $0.00
    Legal?
    Yes
    Ha!
    Yes
    Yes
    No
    Quality
    Low
    Low
    Med
    HD
    HD
    Extras
    No
    No
    Yes
    Yes
    Maybe
    Media
    No
    No
    Yes
    Yes
    No
    iPod
    Ready?
    Yes
    Yes
    No
    No
    No
    Wait
    Short
    Short
    Long
    Long
    None
    DRM?
    Yes
    Yes
    Kinda
    Yes
    No
    Fucked
    Up?
    Kinda
    Maybe?
    FUCK
    YES!
    Not
    Really
    NO...
    Cool!
    Not
    Ethical

    Who in their right mind would pay $4.99 for a television show that's of low quality, has DRM crap encoded in it, is more expensive than a DVD set loaded with extras, comes without any storage media, and is more expensive than even HD-DVD? NOBODY! That's who! Digital delivery of files is the cheapest possible method of distribution with practically no benefits (except convenience) yet the legal options for buying it always cost the most. That is totally fucked up. Fuck NBC. Fuck them up their stupid, greedy asses. And bravo to Apple for not caving to idiocy, and being willing to lose money rather than compromise to a no-win situation.

    • Adobe... After having had to get my MacBook repaired because of a TSA agent dropping my battery on it and denting the case, something was wacky with the hard drive and I had to reformat it. This is no big deal, I keep full backups of my data, and I don't mind reinstalling my software. Unless that software comes from Adobe. Because of their new online activation bullshit, I ended up having to call in to get technical assistance so I could access software I PURCHASED DIRECTLY FROM ADOBE. This idiocy is meant to stop software piracy, but all it does is piss me off (meanwhile, cracked versions of the software are available on BitTorrent, which means that it doesn't stop piracy in the first place). What kind of company purposefully initiates a scheme whose only effect is making their loyal customers hate them? Why do I pay these idiots to treat me like a criminal?

    • Finale... Eh, that's enough bitching for one day. I'm going to see if a couple of tubs of chocolate pudding will make me feel any better.

       

    Misery

    Posted on Saturday, September 1st, 2007

    Dave!I thought it would turn out to be a cold or whatever, but that's not the case. If it's not the ebola virus or the bubonic plague... maybe it's the flu or something. It's pretty frickin' miserable to be me just now. I may not be dead, but I am almost to the point of wishing I were...

    Dave is Dead

    It's at times like this that I realize just how much I take some things for granted... like being able to sit upright without falling over. Or being able to turn my head without feeling like my neck is going to snap off. Or being able to stand up to pee.

    Some holiday weekend this turned out to be.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 46

    Posted on Sunday, September 2nd, 2007

    Dave!Still sick and miserable this Bullet Sunday. The only difference is that my nose and eyes have stopped running, which I hope means that I'm getting better. All the aches and pains are still there though, and since even slight movement can lead to agony, I spend most of my day lying in bed. That doesn't lead to very much excitement to blog about, but I'll give it a try anyway...

    Trek Dave!

    • Trekaversary... Back in 1987 I was vacationing in Maui with some friends when we found out that the premiere episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation would be airing. Naturally, we canceled all our plans and stayed at the condo so we could watch. That first episode was pretty terrible, but I was a huge Trek geek from the original series, and eventually became a fan of the new show (especially after a couple seasons had passed and the series mythology started to come together). I find it impossible to believe that this was nearly twenty years ago, and Next Generation will be celebrating its anniversary on the 28th of this month (Gah! I'm old!). My favorite Trek is still the original, but I hold a geeky place in my heart for Next Gen, and will have to start re-watching all my old videotape copies to celebrate their anniversary (Seesh, VIDEOTAPE?!? I really am old!).

    • Sesame... You know how when you are sick, you start craving certain foods? For the past two days I've been wondering why America hasn't embraced sesame seeds for snack-foods as Europe has. While I was in Greece, I became addicted to these amazing thin pretzel sticks that had sesame seeds on them. In Germany, I had goldfish pretzel crackers with sesame seeds on them. Sesame is everywhere over there. Yet, back in the USA, about the only thing I can find are Pepperidge Farm "Snack Sticks" and some crappy sesame crackers. But they're not the same, and I wants me my sesame-pretzel sticks! I guess I'm going to have to enslave a Keebler elf or something.

    • Stolen... A couple days ago when I was talking about people stealing my stuff, I forgot to mention the incident which got me started on my rant. It was when a guy stole, in its entirety, my Blogography Gangsta rap: Bitch Got Three Spaces. The only thing he changed was the "Lyrics and Music by" and "Sung by" credits, where he just slapped in his own name on my work. The problem is that he didn't replace the final line of the lyrics...

    Laughin' my ass off as I pass,
    Thankin' digital photography.
    Makin' yo inconsiderate ass famous,
    Postin' dis shit on Blogography.

    I guess the guy couldn't be bothered to come up with their own rhyme for "photography." Naturally, this made his theft easy to find, and I fired off a comment asking "Why would you post dis shit on Blogography when that's not even your blog?... oh, that's right, it's because you STOLE IT FROM BLOGOGRAPHY!" He never responded, but he did delete his stolen entry and put his blog on hiatus. No big loss, apparently he didn't have anything to say anyway.

    • Captcha... These things are getting insane. Half the time I can't even guess anymore...

    Bizzarre Captcha

    • NBC Redux... In response to Apple's recent press release, NBC prez Cory Shields fired back with a bunch of stupid crap that makes me loathe this network with a passion. My favorite line? "The typical iPod contains a significant amount of illegally downloaded material." Which means he's basically calling anybody with an iPod a thief. Well Mr. Shields, do you know how much illegally downloaded material is on my iPod and iPhone? Zero. Nothing. Everything there is 100% legally purchased. So go fuck yourself. Sideways. You have to be one of the stupidest people on the planet. Calling your potential customers thieves is such a great way to encourage them to want to do business with your company. If the NBC board doesn't fire your stupid ass, then they're even bigger morons than you are.

    And now it's time for me to take my third nap of the day. Every time I get some sleep, I wake up feeling better, so maybe that's the key? Too bad I can't just lapse into a coma until this is all over with.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Sleepy

    Posted on Monday, September 3rd, 2007

    Dave!As somebody who has been a chronic insomniac for the better part of a decade, being sick this past weekend has opened up an entirely new door to me: that of a full-night's sleep.

    And a full-day's sleep as well.

    I've been doing pretty much nothing but sleeping for the past three days. And, given that I usually average a measly 4-5 hours per night, this is an unfamiliar situation to me. Absolutely nothing got done this weekend. Not even any work, which is going to make for a painful week since I was already several days behind.

    Assuming I can even make it to work in the morning.

    Whatever bug I have is totally kicking my ass. Though today I did start eating again, so I'm interpreting this as a sign that I'm on the road back to health.

    Now what I really need is a shower... and a box of Cracker Jacks.

    Don't ask me why, they just sound good.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Vertigo

    Posted on Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

    Dave!I made the mistake of going to work today when I clearly wasn't ready to do so. I lasted until 3:30, which made me kind of an inspiration to myself, because I very nearly passed out around 2:00.

    There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I felt the world whipping around me in a kind of vertigo-like frenzy. It was much like drinking a fifth of tequila, but without the salt, lime, or hangover. Normally this would be a good thing, but the attack was so sudden that I instinctively tried to steady myself... even though I wasn't actually moving. This caused me to fall out of my chair, which is when I almost passed out. Probably from confusion.

    HypnoDave

    The strange thing is that after a few minutes I felt better than I have in days. This had me wondering if I wasn't sick but, in fact, possessed, and an evil spirit had just left my body. But then I was feeling all nauseous and run-down and figured probably not. So at 3:30 I ran back home so I could take a four-hour nap.

    But that was four hours ago, so now I'm ready for bed.

    Again.

    The good news is that all my symptoms seem to be subsiding a little more each day. By my calculations, this means I should be back to tip-top shape sometime in late February, 2008.

    Being sick sucks serious ass.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Better?

    Posted on Wednesday, September 5th, 2007

    Dave!A much better day.

    Though I am now so far behind in work, email, blogs, comments, and life in general that I am starting to feel sick again. Life can be so ironic sometimes.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Hunger

    Posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2007

    Dave!Except for the fact that I'm coughing my head off at random intervals for no apparent reason, and still feel tired all the time, I'm finally kinda back to normal.

    Except for these bizarre food cravings I keep having. Out of nowhere I'll suddenly be dying for some random food... like saltwater taffy... or beef jerky... or a fifth of Jack Daniels. Or, more likely, a fifth of Jack Daniels with saltwater taffy and beef jerky. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, saltwater taffy sticks to your teeth, I don't eat meat, and my alcohol of choice is Jägermeister. So why?

    The answer is simple.

    I didn't survive my sickness. It killed me. I died.

    AND NOW I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD AND CRAVING HUMAN FLESH!

    Well, not really human flesh, but I sure could go for a donut. A Dunkin' Donut with pink frosting...

    Zombie Hunger

    A pity that there's no Dunkin' Donuts anywhere in Washington State.

    I guess I'll just have to settle for that fifth of Jack Daniels.

    And now, because I was recovering yesterday and didn't feel like writing...

    • Yes, I know Apple had an iPod event yesterday.
    • Yes, I know the iPhone price was slashed by $200.
    • No, I'm not mad... I thought my iPhone was worth $599 when I bought it, or else I wouldn't have bought it.
    • On top of that, when I think of how often I use it and how essential iPhone is to my life now that I have it, $200 is a small price to pay for the time I've been using it.
    • The amount of money I've saved on not having to buy overpriced internet access at airports alone is already at least $100.
    • Not to mention the fact that my iPhone plan with AT&T saves me $20 a month over what I had been paying, and my iPhone will have paid for itself by the time my two-year contract is up.
    • People who whine about the pitfalls of being early adopters should either not be early adopters or shut the frak up.
    • I'm actually thrilled that the price drop will bring more people to the sheer joy that is iPhone. The sooner Apple dominates the universe, the better.
    • I still love Apple. I still love my iPhone. I still love my Macs. I still worship Steve Jobs.

    And, before I forget, since I've been emailed about it a dozen times...

    • Yes, I know that Steve Jobs announced today that Apple will give a $100 Apple Store credit to iPhone early-adopters after he got hundreds of whiny emails.

    The only question now is... what will I spend my $100 in Apple-money on?

    • A third iPod Shuffle ($79). I've already got one Shuffle for music, and a second Shuffle for audiobooks... maybe I need a third PURPLE iPod Shuffle to clip my pants closed after I eat too many Dunkin' Donuts with pink frosting. BONUS: $21 left over!
    • A new iPod nano "fatty" ($149). It's just so adorable! So tiny! And it plays video! And my old iPod nano is permanently attached to my car stereo, so I am nano-less.
    • AppleTV ($299). Now that I'm buying video and subscribing to television shows to feed my iPhone so I have stuff to watch when I travel, it would be cool to stream that stuff to my TV. And who could resist a night in front of the television surfing YouTube?
    • A 24-inch 2.8GHz iMac ($2,299) Just because it's pretty and I don't have one.
    • A Two Dual-Core 3GHz MacPro with dual 30-inch displays and all the extras ($16,716). YES! TOTALLY AWESOME!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT I WANT!! And once I use my $100 credit, I only have to pay $16,616!! Sweet!

    Hey. Wait a second...

    DAMN YOU STEVE JOBS AND YOUR BRILLIANT $100 APPLE STORE CREDIT PLAN TO ROB ME OF SIXTEEN-THOUSAND-SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTEEN DOLLARS OF MY HARD-EARNED MONEY!!

    =sob!=

    If it's even possible, I think I love Steve Jobs even more than I did yesterday... that evil genius bastard.

       

    Corn!

    Posted on Friday, September 7th, 2007

    Dave!w00t!

    It's that time of the year again... time for the Chelan County Fair!

    Not that I really care about the fair itself anymore. I haven't gone out to the fair in years, because riding a Ferris Wheel and looking at giant vegetables and visiting animals that are being sold for slaughter isn't my thing. However, there is one thing that I do love about the fair...

    CORN!

    Dave Corn

    The American Legion has a booth where they sell boiled ears of sweet corn that have been drenched in butter. All for the bargain price of just $1.00! All I have to do is find somebody I know that has a fair pass, then have them run to the Legion booth and buy me one.

    It's pretty tasty.

    Especially when you eat it with a delicious Veggie Corn Dog.

    And a bag of popcorn.

    And a tub of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding.

    And a couple shots of Jägermeister.

    And some Golden Oreos.

    And some toasted bread with hummus and feta cheese.

    Wah! I'm hungry!

    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Memories

    Posted on Saturday, September 8th, 2007

    Dave!Some memories are precious and meant to be treasured. Other memories you wish you could gouge from your head with a melon-baller.

    Such as the remembrance of being sick for a week.

    Today I made a valiant effort to purge my home of every disease-ridden memory from those dark times. Like a man possessed, I tore through room after room... eradicating all evidence of the plague that had come down upon my house.

    In other words, I washed the sheets on my bed.

    Good times.

    And even better times are ahead, because in two weeks it's the L.A. blogger meet! I've sent out information to those who had asked me about it, and so if you were interested and didn't get an email please let me know by emailing me at dave@blogography.com. Hopefully I'll hear back from everybody soon so I can make reservations on Monday night.

    And now I'm off to bed so I can continue going through the travel book 1000 Places To See Before You Die so I can check off those places I've been and figure out places I'd like to go.

    Though I still like my idea of a "To Do Before You Die List" best.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  7 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 47

    Posted on Sunday, September 9th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday under medication as I try to rid myself of the last vestiges of the plague I've been fighting off all week!

    • Horrendously Awful... As a certified Apple Whore, the Microsoft Zune media player was always off my radar. It isn't Mac compatible, so I just didn't care. I said my peace on the matter and moved on. Apparently, so did the rest of the world, because Zune never made much of an impact against the iPod. But then today I actually got to play with a Zune. And the entire time I kept thinking to myself over and over again... "holy crap this is lame!" I could detail the entire horrifying experience of both Zune and the Zune Marketplace, but there's nothing to be said. It's just bad, and that's the end of it.

    • But Not Really... Okay just one more thing about Zune. THIS WAS WHAT MICROSOFT THOUGHT WOULD BE AN iPOD KILLER?!? It's so craptastically bad that I can only guess it was crapped out of somebody's ass in an explosive case of diarrhea. It certainly looks as if that's the case...

    Zune Ass

    Microsoft has BILLIONS of dollars! But what good is it if they only spend $2.50 on research and development when they decide to enter a new market? NOTE TO MICROSOFT: SPEND THE FUCKING MONEY TO MAKE OBSCENELY AMAZING PRODUCTS!! Put in a billion-dollars and come up with a media player that has anti-gravity controls, a 400dpi 3-D screen, wireless power recharging, and folds to the size of a pack of gum! Otherwise, why bother? Why continue to release complete and total shit that isn't a leap ahead of what's already out there? For crying out loud, who is in charge over there at Redmond? If this is your answer to iPod, I can't wait to see your iPhone competition. Seriously, I could use a good laugh.

    • MTV VMA... Am I the only one who thinks that it is ironic MTV would still hold a Video Music Award show when they so rarely play music videos anymore? I tuned in to see Britney perform, but she looked completely zoned out... as if she didn't know who she was or what she was doing there. Girl has bills to pay... she'd better get it together quick, or she won't have a music career left.

    • Sam & Max... One of my most favorite comic books is Sam & Max: Freelance Police. One of my favorite video games is Sam & Max Hit The Road. One of my favorite cartoons is The Adventures of Sam & Max. My favorite web comic is the Eisner Award nominee Sam & Max. I'm pretty sure that one of my favorite online games would be Sam & Max too if it worked with Macintosh. It certainly looks like it would be totally awesome...

    Sam and Max!

    Anyways, the good news here is that Shout Factory has announced that the animated Sam & Max are getting a new 3-Disc Set on DVD! It's a few months out yet, and no release-date has been given, but the news has me totally psyched. All I need is a Mac or Wii version of the new Sam & Max games, and my life will be complete.

    • Dietary Suckage... What do you eat when you have to eliminate hydrogenated oil, gluten, and high fructose corn syrup... plus limit dairy products to three servings a day? Apparently its a lot of fruit juices, frozen vegetables, and rice cakes. So far it hasn't solved any problems for me, but not eating after 7:00 each night has certainly been making me sleep better. Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I managed to sleep six hours uninterrupted. I guess you do what you gotta do in order to stay healthy, but I can't imagine living in a world where I can't have a slice of freshly baked bread smothered in butter along with chocolate pudding and a can of Coke. Oh well. One week left to go.

    And now it's back to work. And not eating.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Ketchup

    Posted on Monday, September 10th, 2007

    Dave!There I was this morning looking at the ingredient labels of all the food in my refrigerator and cupboards when it dawned on me... WAAAAAHH! I'M GONNA DIIIIIIEEE!

    Last week while I was sick and didn't have an appetite, it was easy to be eating under my new diet. Juice and applesauce three times a day was okay by me. But now that I get hungry and actually want to eat, it's a frickin' impossibility. Everything I have contains the things I'm supposed to avoid while testing out my new medication. Of course, after researching these things a little bit, they look like stuff I should be avoiding anyway...

    • Hydrogenated Oil... Poison. Literally poison. This shit will kill you, and should be made illegal. Fortunately, many food manufacturers are getting rid of it, but eating out at a restaurant can be like having a hydrogenated oil bomb go off in you.
    • High Frustose Corn Syrup... The least-healthy sweetener there is, and it's in everything. Many researchers claim that it's high fructose corn syrup that's responsible for the obesity epidemic in the US.
    • Gluten... I thought problems with gluten were limited to people with celiac disease, but apparently eating too much gluten (wheat, rye, and barley) can rough-up your lower intestine even if you don't have it.
    • Dairy... I don't have to give up dairy, but I'm supposed to limit my intake of it. Dairy isn't exactly good for you, but the stuff is made far worse because of all the hormones they inject into cows, and pesticides in cow feed.

    With nothing to eat, I went to the store and found out most of the food available is also filled with this crap. But eventually, after a lot of work shopping, I managed to find stuff I could eat (rice-almond bread with hummus and feta cheese... delicious!). But there's still a massive problem...

    Dave Ketchup

    KETCHUP!

    I love ketchup and put it on half the stuff I eat. Having to stop eating it because it contains high fructose corn syrup is a crushing blow to my menu. So I used iPhone to see if there was a recipe for making my own ketchup on the internet, and there are dozens of them! So now I'm making my own ketchup, and all is good again.

    Especially since I just read that My Boys has been renewed for a third season! Sweet!

    UPDATE: GAAAAH! Speaking of My Boys, I just watched the season finale... AND IT'S A CLIFFHANGER? Why? Why would they do this? Who was on the plane? WAAAAAAAAHHH!

    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Sixth

    Posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

    Dave!

       

       

       

    New York City

       

       

       

    Categories: News - Politics 2007Click To It: Permalink  0 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Pee-Chee

    Posted on Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

    Dave!Today I was getting aggravated with the file folders I use to sort my projects because my stuff keeps falling out of them. Then, in a flash of nostalgia, I remembered the Pee-Chee folders from my school days and decided that they were the perfect solution. So off I went to the school supply section of the local drug store, only to find out they don't have them. No problem, I'll just order them from Staples. Except Staples doesn't have them. So then I look on Wikipedia to see if I remembered the name wrong or something, only to find out that they don't make Pee-Chees anymore!

    WTF?!?

    How old am I?

    Apparently, really old. High school was 23 years ago, and somewhere in that massive span of time they stopped making Pee-Chees!

    Pee Chee

    What in the heck do school kids use to carry their papers now-a-days?

    More importantly, what in the heck do they use to write cool graffiti on? When I was in school, everybody plastered their Pee-Chees with nifty stickers and decorated them using multi-color markers to write the names of their favorite bands and stuff. Mine was covered in cartoons I would draw when I was bored.

    Which was most of the time.

    Padma Lakshmi
    Photo swiped from the always-excellent Maxim Magazine.

    As I'm typing this, Padma Lakshmi is being her usual scorching-hot self on the latest episode of Top Chef. The big challenge this time is one of the coolest I've ever seen on the show... airplane food! I really like how this season they are being so creative in the challenges and toning down the stupid-ass drama that plagued last year. Of course, then they invite Anthony Bourdain to be a guest-judge, where he's his usual cheerful and supportive self. He must be a scream at parties.

    For my dinner, I was a bit of a Top-Chef myself, making my own pizza sauce for the first time. I saved up all my dairy allowance for the day so I could make pizza on toasted rice flour bread. It was surprisingly tasty. I should totally be on Top Chef next season!

    UPDATE: My Pee-Chee obsession drove me to Google searches where I've found others lamenting the passing of the Pee-Chee...

    Blue Flavor says that MySpace is the Modern Day Pee-Chee.
    A nice Evolution of the Pee-Chee is over at CreativePro.
    Defective Yeti with a tale of Pee-Chee customization gone wrong.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  50 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Jobs

    Posted on Thursday, September 13th, 2007

    Dave!I accidentally landed on the televised Presidential Address while channel surfing this evening. I tend to avoid stuff like this in a desperate attempt to save what little sanity I have left in a world gone mad, but he was on all the channels, so what could I do?

    As my brain was melting, there was only one thought I could keep in my head.

    Just one thought that my mind clung to as I watched President Bush attempt to give his speech...

    Unpresidential

    What is Steve Jobs waiting for?

    Presidential

    STEVE JOBS FOR PRESIDENT!

    BRING JOBS TO AMERICANS IN 2008!

    TAKE BACK AMERICA WITH STEVE!!

    President Steve would be super awesome! He got Apple back on track, President Steve could totally get America back on track too! We need President Steve!

    I wonder if we would get to sync the presidential inauguration to watch on our iPhones?

    Categories: News - Politics 2007Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Deadline

    Posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007

    Dave!One of the biggest disadvantages of working in a small town is an early Fed-Ex drop-off time. In bigger cities, you can get a fantastically late drop-off time of 8:00 even 9:00pm... but me? I've got until 3:30pm to get my stuff together. This makes working under a tight deadline really difficult, because I don't even get a full work-day to finish a job.

    In an effort to get a jump on things, I got up at 4:30am and started right to work. This would give me plenty of time to finish my work before FedEx Guy shows up and ruins my day 11 hours later...

    DavEx
    Me. Ready and waiting for the FedEx Guy.

    So there I am, happily working along when... BAM!! The internet goes down. And I need the internet to get my work done.

    Uh oh.

    So much for getting a jump on things.

    Long story short... I end up trippin' balls all afternoon, killing myself to make my 3:30 deadline once I have internet.

    And tomorrow I do it all over as I attempt to get everything ready before flying out again.

    Bleh.

    I need a less-stressful life.

    Or a fifth of tequila.

       

    I need a less-stressful life AND a fifth of tequila.

    UPDATE: OMG! Kitty Spangles Solitaire for Mac is on sale for just $11.95! ONE DAY ONLY, September 15th, 2007 over at MacUpdate. You can read about me going gay for Kitty here. Or you can read about me paying for Kitty's love here. Or even read how I made Kitty Spangles my bitch here. And, lastly, you can read about how Lil' Dave got revenge on Kitty's pet pig here. This solitaire game may not be the most macho game of cards around, but it's still my favorite. If you want to try before you buy, go get a demo at Swoop Software's site. Sweet!

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    George

    Posted on Saturday, September 15th, 2007

    Dave!And I'm off to Chicago... again. Well, assuming that Horizon Air doesn't cancel my flight. Apparently some of the aircraft in Horizon's fleet have had a safety recall of the landing gear, and they've been canceling hundreds of flights throughout the week to do inspections. I'm told that ended yesterday, but I won't know for sure until I get to the airport. Fun.

    For some reason, I had it in my head that I was returning home before my trip to L.A., and it wasn't until I printed my boarding pass that I realized I am flying direct to LAX once my work in Chicago is over. This caused a panic of an entirely new flavor, because I've got a lot of stuff to get ready before my trip to La La Land. Guess I won't be getting any sleep tonight after all.

    In other news, I got a lovely comment this morning from some guy who was outraged because I dared "desecrate a classic" with a cartoon parody of Curious George I made last year...

    Bi-Curious George

    I find this ironic, because I'm about the biggest Curious George fan there is, and have been collecting Curious George books and toys for a very long time now. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... I mean, I've already got Kenny Chesney fans hating on me... and Harry Potter fans hating on me too... but Curious George?!? Seriously? I'd have thought my fellow George fans would have a better sense of humor about these things. He is, after all, a monkey.

    Oh well. Back to work. Back to work.

       

    Bullet Sunday 48

    Posted on Sunday, September 16th, 2007

    Dave!I'm BS-ing my way to Chicago! Hmmm... it seems like just four Bullet Sundays ago, I was also on my way to Chicago. Oh, wait a second... it was four Bullet Sundays ago! I wonder what will go wrong this time...

    • Safe... Well, I didn't get pulled over for speeding. That was a pleasant change from last time.

    • Praise... Some guy behind me was told that his bag needed to be searched at airport security, and his response was to preach holy scripture at the TSA agent. This was kind of bad-ass, in a Samuel L. Jackson Pulp Fiction kind of way, but I didn't see how the passage was applicable. A Google Bible search on the parts of the quote I remember resulted in Colossians 2:8... "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ." Does this mean Jesus is the only one allowed to search his luggage? Sadly, I don't think Christ has a day-job working for the TSA, so I guess this guy is out of luck.

    • Prayer... And, of course, the same guy has to say a prayer as we're taking off ("Lord protect us on this journey...") which is no big deal... until some drunken woman starts laughing hysterically in the middle of it ("...we ask that you give our pilot the skill and knowledge to deliver us safely..."). I sit in my seat waiting for God to smite our plane in a ball of fire so as to destroy this drunken bitch for her blasphemous mirth, but it would seem as though He has a sense of humor about it all and we land in Seattle without incident ("...amen").

    • Breakfast... For the first time in two weeks, I eat gluten by having a flour tortilla on my egg & potato wrap at Qdoba. I fully expect to explode any minute now.

    • Borders... I filled iPhone with plenty of videos, so I don't really need a book, but decide to stop in at Borders anyway (out of habit?). There I notice that there is a new version of "1000 Places to See Before You Die" called "1000 Places to See Before You Die In the US and Canada." I suppose that this edition is for people who want to travel, but don't want to be inconvenienced by leaving North America, which I find to be opposite of what the original book was all about. But the most curious thing I saw in the book store was that Bad Monkey has inspired a novel!

    Matt Ruff Bad Monkeys
    I demand royalties!!

    • Puppies! Seattle must be hosting a convention for the blind or something. As I sit here waiting for my flight, the inbound aircraft is exiting. Among the passengers are numerous seeing-eye dogs (with their owners) and people finding their way with white canes. It's a pretty cool sight (no pun intended). I love dogs, and wish that I was home often enough to have one. These dogs are especially nifty, and it's pretty heart-warming to see such dedicated animals making a better life for people.

    • Retreat... Ah. One of the puppies (who I learn is named "Denver" from his owner) is sitting next to me. I find out that everybody was on a retreat to Victoria and Vancouver in Canada testing out GPS units for the blind. How cool is that? Denver was given some kibble to tide him over, and I volunteered my water so he could wash it down. He was given surprisingly little of it to drink, however. Though this probably because there's no place for a dog to pee on a plane. Hmmm... and why don't airplanes have lavatories for dogs?

    Denver The Seeing Eye Dog!
    It's Denver! And he's hiding! Photo courtesy of the crappy camera on my iPhone
    (heavily Photoshopped so as not to look like a smudgy blur).

    • Access... Tell me... if humans are not allowed in the "Starter Override Access Hole," then who do they send in when the starter override needs overriding? Trained monkeys? This does not bode well, as monkeys make terrible mechanics.

    Access Override For Monkeys Only!
    Hey! Find another hole, buddy!

    • Arrival... Both flights were on-time for departure and arrival? Stroke of luck or sign of the Apocalypse? Though my bag did take a half-hour to arrive at baggage claim, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

    • Taxi... Get this. I'm waiting in line for a taxi because the line for the Airport Express shuttle is way too long. After about seven minutes, I finally get to the front of the line, only to have some woman jump ahead of me and try to take my cab! I yell "HEY! THERE'S A LINE HERE!!" to which the woman responds "yes, but I'm in a hurry!" Lovely. "WE'RE ALL IN A HURRY!!" I reply. She keeps trying to open the door on the taxi, but the driver has seen her cut in line and refuses to unlock it. Then the taxi queue guy comes walking up and asks the woman what she thinks she's doing. "I'm very late and there are people waiting for me!" she says. "Yes, but this gentleman is ahead of you!" the guy replies, pointing to me. "HE TOLD ME I COULD GO FIRST BECAUSE I'M IN A HURRY!!" she screeches. "NO I DID NOT!! YOU NEVER ASKED!" I scream back. What a fucking bitch. Had she ACTUALLY asked, I might have said okay... but to lie like that while I'm standing there just pisses me off. There's no way in hell she's getting my taxi now, so I walk up to the door, the driver unlocks it, and away I go while the bitch is left screaming on the curb. I congratulate myself on not slapping the shit out of her for being such an asshole.

    • Navigation... Ooh! My taxi is one of those new-fangled cabs with a GPS map in it! Sweet! Now I can see where I am as we sit in traffic!

    It's A Taxi GPS Map!
    That will be $38.00 please!

    • Hotel... And here I am in my hotel (which will remain undisclosed, because I have learned my lesson last time). It's not The Hard Rock Hotel where I usually stay, but is quite nice. The only problem is that they don't have wireless internet, and the ethernet cable won't reach from the desk to the bed. Bleh!

    And now I will climb out of bed, go to the desk, hook up to the internet, and post this so I can take my leave of you. I am meeting friends for dinner, and don't want to have to jump in front of people at the taxi queue in order to arrive on time. I'm courteous like that.

       

    Candy!Candy!Candy!

    Posted on Monday, September 17th, 2007

    Dave!The rest of my yesterday was uhhh... interesting. I've put it in an extended entry for anybody who wants to read what happens when you go off a restrictive diet and eat loads of fried foods.

    Today I managed to spend some time at Chicago's All-Candy Expo. It's not as huge as the ISM show in Cologne Germany I attended in January, but it's still a pretty spectacular event if you like candies as much as I do. The coolest thing about the show is seeing the new stuff companies are coming out with, and how candy technology keeps advancing.

    Anyway... when you arrive at the show, you are greeted by M&M's!

    M & M Guys!

    This is kind of cool, but not as cool as visiting the M&M booth where they will draw a caricature of you as an M&M. And even that isn't as cool as visiting the super-sweet M&M race car...

    M & M Racer!

    I especially like the tail-end of the car...

    M & M Racer!

    Not to be outdone, Snickers also has a race car at the show. And so does JUICYFRUIT!...

    JuicyFruit Racer

    The All-Candy Expo is so big that it can be hard to decide where to start. I took a panorama of the show floor and it ended up being so big I couldn't fit it in a computer graphic, so I took three chunks of it and put them here. It's all candy, baby...

    All-Candy Expo

    Well, not ALL candy. There are other snack foods there too. I saw a lot of beef jerky. In fact... "you might be a redneck if you own your own beef jerky company"...

    Jeff Foxworthy Jerky

    And then I saw that Steve Irwin was back from the dead to endorse Crocodile Hunter Chocolates (I've already said how I feel about the deceased endorsing products)...

    Croc Chocs!

    Some of the stranger stuff I saw was CARROT GUM! Yes, seriously, carrot bubble gum...

    Carrot Bubble Gum!

    And Jesus Candy Canes ("Blessed is he who licks unto Him")...

    Jesus Candy Canes

    My most favorite new candy treat was GüdFüd's jelly or chocolate stuffed marshmallows. I can't eat them because I'm a vegetarian and they have gelatin in them, but they're probably the cutest candies ever...

    GüdFüd!

    GüdFüd!

    GüdFüd!

    And, of course, PEZ was there. Gotta love PEZ! This time I saw that they have FUZZY PEZ!!

    Fuzzy PEZ!

    There was also a kind of Pez imitator of some kind. I didn't quite understand how they worked, but I especially like the Human Torch dispenser because of his funky flame-hair...

    Fantastic Candy

    And, lastly, I bring you the Hello Kitty's Beauty Kit... filled with candy jewelry, candy makeup, and candy perfume...

    Hello Kitty Beauty

    Hey, heaven only knows that I never look more beautiful than when I'm covered in candy!

    And that's just a tiny slice of all the amazing stuff I saw while cruising the aisles of the All-Candy Expo this afternoon. What a delicious way to spend your day.

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Mo

    Posted on Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

    Dave!Today at lunch I went back to the All-Candy Expo to take another look around... and to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. debut his new candy bars.

    Not surprisingly, a lot of people were crowded around the booth.

    What did surprise me was the name of the candy bars: "Big Mo." I guess that term doesn't mean what I thought it means? A Google search tells me that it's a nickname for his home town (Mooresville, NC) and that his racing team is called "Big Mo Posse."

    The good news is that both his candy bars are darn tasty... they're back-to-basics caramel or peanut butter dipped in creamy milk chocolate. And they're a good size too! Dale himself seems like a really nice guy, and comes across as a down-home kind of person (which is refreshing given his superstar status). He even stuck around to answer questions from the audience, which was cool of him...

    Dale Jr.

    Big Mo Bar!

    But the candy I MOST wanted to eat at the Palmer booth? PEANUT BUTTER PENGUIN PALS!!!

    Peanut Butter Penguin Pals!

    Coolest. Candies. Ever.

    I would have liked to have stayed at the show for the rest of the day, but work was piling up so I had to go.

    After working for a few hours, I took a quick break this afternoon to do something I haven't done since my first trip to Chicago 18 years ago... go to the top of the Sears Tower! I had re-watched Ferris Bueller last week, and was compelled to visit.

    I will never go to the Sears Tower again. Nor will I recommend it to people.

    Once you get there, they literally take you hostage. You are FORCED to sit and wait 15 minutes for a movie presentation that they MAKE you watch, as verified by a man and his wife who were in line behind me...

    HOSTESS: Please enter the theater to watch a presentation before going up to the SkyDeck.
    MAN: We don't want to watch a presentation... we just want to go to the top.
    HOSTESS: It's a very nice presentation!
    MAN: I'm sure, but we are in a hurry and don't want to watch it.
    HOSTESS: It's only six minutes long, then you'll be on your way.
    MAN: But we DON'T want to watch it!
    HOSTESS: We'll get you up there! We'll get you up there!
    MAN: Does ANYBODY here want to watch this presentation?
    EVERYBODY: NOOOOOOOOO!
    HOSTESS: Enjoy the presentation!

    And, sure enough, you have to sit there six minutes to watch a video presentation. It wasn't bad, I guess, but you shouldn't be FORCED to watch the crap. If I had a choice of having to wait 15 minutes then sitting through an additional 6 minutes of the presentation... or just hopping in the elevator and going to the top of the Sears Tower, I would have skipped the presentation. To be honest, that's 21 minutes of my life I'd like to have back. NOTE TO SEARS TOWER MANAGEMENT: People don't like to pay to be held hostage. If somebody pays you $12.95 to go to the top of your building, LET THEM GO TO THE TOP OF YOUR BUILDING WITHOUT FORCING THEM TO WATCH SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE! Because that just makes you a bunch of assholes.

    Sure the view from the top is nice, but I'd rather go to Hancock Tower, with a view just as good... and there they don't force you to watch a movie. On top of that, but they're $1.65 cheaper and have a better location.

    Oh well, here was my trip to the Sears Tower...

    Sears Tower

    Chicago View

    The tall black building in the center of the back skyline is "hostage-free" Hancock Tower, where I'd rather go for a view of chicago...

    Chicago View

    And thus ends my trip to Chicago. I think I'm back in November, but can't remember for sure.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Walking

    Posted on Wednesday, September 19th, 2007

    Dave!And here I am in Los Angeles on "Talk Like a Pirate Day" after a very early flight out of Chicago.

    When I first started coming here for work years ago, I never drove anywhere. I was provided a car and driver, and never much had to think about where things were at. Eventually this got kind of boring and I wanted to make my own way around, so I started renting a car whenever I had work here. For a nine-month period, I was flying down to L.A. fairly frequently, and got to know the streets of the city pretty well. In many ways, it's Los Angeles I have to thank for teaching me how to really drive a car.

    Alas, my trips to L.A. were less and less frequent as time went on. I'm lucky if I make it once a year now. Because of that, I don't feel as comfortable driving here as I used to. It's far easier to just schedule the car and driver or take a taxi.

    But never walk.

    Today I made the huge mistake of choosing to walk in a city where nobody walks. It was only six long blocks, but I could feel the stares of confusion and contempt as people went driving past. "Funny, he doesn't look homeless!" I imagine them saying. I became worried when I waited at crosswalks that drivers who were stopped at the light were going to panic and throw money at me so that I would go away.

    But it was a beautiful day. Plenty of sunshine, but not too hot and with a nice breeze going on...

    Not-So-Wild Palms

    Pretty much everything you want from a day in La La Land.

    Except...

    Los Angeles is such a bittersweet city for me.

    I have great friends here. I remember good times here. There are places I treasure here.

    But L.A. is a city that can really destroy you if you're not careful... more-so than any other city I've been to. My "big break" here ended badly, and I consider myself lucky to have escaped with my spirit and sanity (somewhat) in-tact. There are so many reasons I should hate this place.

    And yet...

    Los Angeles is always calling me in the back of my mind.

    Because there are also so many reasons I love this place.

    And a part of me just can never... let... it... go.

    That's probably a good thing.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Disneyland!

    Posted on Thursday, September 20th, 2007

    Dave!There are perfect days... and then there are perfect days.

    Since Hilly and I are BFFs in the blogosphere as well as in real-life, we had made plans to spend today in Disneyland. I didn't have any work appointments, so it was a great idea because I hadn't been to the park in a long while. I used to go all the time, but kind of got burnt out on the whole Disney thing, and stopped visiting around seven years ago.

    Anyway...

    For a reason unknown to both of us, we decided to become Southerners for our day of Big Disney Fun, and took on the entirely new personas of "Hilly-Sue O'Hara" and "Davy-Joe Butler" all frickin' day...

    Davy Jo and Hilly Sue
    Davy-Joe and Hilly-Sue ride the Grizzly River Run!

    We started off in the California Adventure park, where the first ride we went on was the Grizzly River Run. It was very cool and got us very, very wet. The not-so-cool part was when something went wrong with the ride, and we were stuck at the top of the falls for around 10 minutes. Little did we know that this would not be the last time something like that happened.

    Soaking wet, we moved on to the remainder of the park... which is actually kind of lame. Most of the attractions are just off-the-shelf stuff with none of the clever theme-work that Disney is famous for. With the exception of "Tower of Terror" (which is missing some of the cool stuff you get to see in the Orlando version) everything is just so ordinary. In my humble opinion, California Adventure is kind of an embarrassment for Disney and should have never been made. They should have worked harder to come up with better, more interesting, and certainly more unique, attractions.

    Paradise Pier
    Borrrrrrrrrring!

    Though I DID get to meet one of my favorite cartoon characters ever... Sully from Monsters Inc.!!

    Dave and Sully
    I love you Sully!!

    As we went back across the plaza to Disneyland, we started noticing some very cool things. First of all the weather, which we had heard would be filled with rain, actually ended up being a positively stunning day. All the clouds were gone within an hour leaving us with nothing but blue skies and cool breezes for the rest of the day...

    Greetings from California

    Matterhorn

    The second cool thing was that both parks were entirely decked-out for Halloween...

    HalloweenTime

    But the BEST cool thing about our visit?? NO LINES!!!

    No Disney lines!

    Except for the brand-new Finding Nemo version of the old Submarine Ride in Tomorrowland (which is excellent, by the way)... we didn't stand in line for more than a few minutes on anything! The queues were wide-open, meaning that we could just walk up to all the rides and walk-on. Sweet!!

    And walk-on we did... to all but two rides we were wanting to visit. The Haunted Mansion was closed so they could re-theme it for "A Nightmare Before Christmas." And The Matterhorn broke down right as we were next in line to board a bobsled. But everything else... from Splash Mountain to Pirates of the Caribbean to Space Mountain was a piece of cake.

    Between the perfect weather, HalloweenTime fun, Hilly's company, and NO LINES, this is the single best trip to Disneyland I've ever had.

    The only bummer was when we were reminded that Dustin wasn't there joining us every time we saw a churro cart...

    Churros!

    And when we finally had to leave as the park was closing at 8:00...

    Disney Castle

    All-in-all, the entire day was some kind of Disney magic!

    And now I'm exhausted from walking entirely too much, eating entirely too much, and talking entirely too much... time to drop into a coma.

    Where I'll be dreaming of Mickey Mouse and my perfect day at Disneyland.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Pink's!

    Posted on Friday, September 21st, 2007

    Dave!I finished with work around noon, and had made plans for lunch with the fabulous Suzy Soro from Hollywood: Where HOT Comes to Die! I figured she would be passed out from hunger in the 90 minutes it would take to drive across town and pick her up but, in what must have been a record of some kind, my driver managed to make the trip from LAX to the Hollywood Hills in under 40 minutes!

    Once Suzy was on-board, we made our way to the Hollywood dining institution of Pink's for hot dogs...

    Pinks!
    The line never seems to drop below a 20-minute wait at Pinks any time of day.

    Liz over at Everyday Goddess had told me that they served a veggie dog, and I was anxious to try it out...

    Pink's Dogs
    My Patt Morrison Baja Veggie Dog, Suzy's Chili Dog, and a Martha Stewart Dog for our driver.

    After getting our driver his hot dog, we grabbed a table inside to eat. Then, as if by magic, I look up and there was Betty White! Well, not actually Betty White, but an autographed photo... right between Nelly and Eduardo Arroyuelo...

    Betty White at Pink's
    I love Betty! Betty White totally kicks ass!

    My "Patt Morrison Baja Veggie Dog" was covered in really good guacamole, then smothered in chopped tomatoes & onions and tasted fantastic! I'm going to have to try making them myself when I get back home.

    After lunch we went up to the Hollywood Walk of Fame so we could say hello to Catherine, then went star searching...

    Khan!
    KHAN! KHAN! KHAAAAAAAAN!

    We also ran across this totally sweet puppy. I wanted to put him in my pocket and take home...

    Hollywoodpuppy
    Yeah, it doesn't get much cuter than that.

    Once I had bought a crappy (and totally inaccurate) Star Map, our driver took us through Beverly Hills and down Rodeo Drive so we could see how the other half live and shop. From there Suzy and I decided to go down to Venice Beach, where the storm we've been expecting for two days was laying just off the coast. This made for some cold weather, but beautiful background scenery...

    Venicebeach
    More bars in more places... Cingular is now the new AT&T.

    Suzybeach
    The fabulous Ms. Soro at Venice Beach just before the rain.

    Seagullvenicebeach
    Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

    After being assaulted by every hip-hop hopeful in Los Angeles wanting us to listen to their music and buy their CD, it was time to head back. I only had the car until 6:00, and the horrendous Friday rush-hour traffic over to Hollywood and then back to LAX was going to tear through that like wet toilet paper.

    And so here I am back at my hotel getting some more work done while trying to decide what I want for dinner.

    I can't really decide, because all I really want is another Pink's veggie dog.

    Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Californification

    Posted on Saturday, September 22nd, 2007

    Dave!   
    I have a very full day ahead of me... but it's a good thing, for once.

    Davelalanyard

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 49

    Posted on Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday as I attempt to blog after a 3-hour nap out of the past 35 hours. My time in L.A. was all-too-short, but I got a lot packed into four days... with Saturday being so jam-packed with big fun that I just don't know what to do with myself.

    • Lunch! Proving that there is life outside the blogosphere, I met up with a friend who doesn't have a blog (gasp!) for a tour through the geekier-side of Los Angeles' treasures... including two great comic book shops (Meltdown and Golden Apple) so I have a place to go for comics now that Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash West is closing up shop. We also went out for a pizza lunch to a place called Mozza where I was hoping to run into Betty White stopping by for a slice (since this IS a Hollywood hot-spot). Alas Betty wasn't there, so I had to make due with Madeline Stowe sitting next to me (who got up to leave after I sat down). Mozza has probably the best pizza crust I have ever eaten... so deliciously flaky that it's almost a pastry instead of bread. They also make one of the most beautiful pizzas ever...

    Mozza Pizza
    Gorgonzola dolce-fingerling potatoes-radicchio-rosemary pizza!

    • Star! I had an hour to kill after lunch, so I hunted down Betty White's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame using the map that Suzy and I had bought yesterday. I am in absolutely no way a guy to get star-struck, and couldn't care less about seeing movie stars or famous people, but Betty White is the one exception (well... maybe I'd add Elizabeth Hurley and James Earl Jones to that list, but Betty is the only star who would probably make me crap myself if I were to ever meet her)...

    Betty White's Star
    I LOVE YOU BETTY! Betty White kicks ass.

    • Lucky! The fabulous Dave L.A. event was taking place at the Lucky Strike Hollywood, which is a kind of nifty-cool boutique bowling center right next to the Kodak Theater...

    Lucky Strike!
    Feeling lucky, punk?

    Once I got inside, I saw that SJ from Pseudotherapy had already arrived with her husband Bret, at which point I wanted to shoot myself, because I could have been visiting with them instead of wandering the streets of Hollywood killing time. SJ is one of the earliest supporters of Blogography (not to mention one of the sweetest people you will ever find), and this blog owes a great deal to her (and others like her from those early days) for being what it is today. To finally meet her in person after all these years is the type of thing that makes blogging all worthwhile...

    Dave & SJ
    Photo by Bret. I'm totally drunk and sweaty from bowling here... sorry SJ!

    • Dinner! It was great to see some familiar faces at dinner... Liz from Everyday Goddess (whom I met back in 2005), Neil & Sophia from Citizen of the Month (whom I had met at TequilaCon earlier this year), and of course mah BFF Hilly-Sue from Snackie's World was there. And here's some other fabulous bloggers I met for the very first time that dropped by...

    • Amanda from Amandarin's Ordinary Extraordinary. The first entry I ever read at Ordinary Extraordinary was Silence from earlier this year. How could anybody not become a diehard Amanda-fan after reading such a poignant piece?
    • The Bombshell from Atomic Bombshell. One of the first blogs I ever read on a regular basis, meeting The Bombshell was an almost surreal experience. Charming on every possible level (not to mention a fellow Mac-whore!), she brought along The Ninja (who owes me another pirate joke).
    • Catherine from The Seventh Notebook. Catherine's a relatively new blogger, but fit into this group of veterans like a real pro. She's a fellow Washingtonian, so we had more than blogging in common.
    • Foo from Pink Bunny Foo Foo. Hilly's real BFF flew in for the party, and ended up totally humiliating me at the bowling alley with her mad bowling skilz. She made up for it by being the total sweetheart she is and driving my drunken ass back to my hotel. Loves me the Foo-Diddy.
    • Peggy from Totally Unauthorized. One of my favorite blogs of all time, Totally Unauthorized is absolute must-read material. As if having one awesome blog wasn't enough, Peggy also runs Abandoned Couches, which is the only RSS feed that's on my Mac's desktop... because no matter how terrible my day is, seeing Peggy's endless parade of forsaken furniture always brings a smile to my face.

    • Photograph! I was so busy drinking and talking that I was forever forgetting to take pictures. Here's what few ended up on my camera...

    Hilly and Foo
    Foo reenacts my Salt & Pepper DuckyButton while Hilly looks on.

    Catherine Bombshell Ninja
    Catherine attempting to explain to The Bombshell how cool I am while The Ninja gives me his death-stare.

    Hilly and Whit
    Whit couldn't make it and asked us to bowl a game for him, but instead we had a round in his honor.

    SJ
    SJ has a professional camera, so she made fun of our little pocket models like this one.

    • Bowl! Uhhhh... yeah. Much like an observation my friend made about the effects of alcohol on playing darts, a similar conclusion can be made about bowling. It's made much, much worse by the fact that I totally suck at bowling in the first place...

    Drunken Bowling

    Liz Bowler
    Everyday Goddess Bowling!

    • Homeward! By the time I had gotten back to the hotel and packed my suitcase, there was only three hours until I had to be at the airport, so I didn't even bother even trying to sleep. Instead I attempted to get some work done and whine to myself about how tired I was. As if fate were trying to ruin me, my flight out of Seattle was delayed "due to mechanical difficulties," robbing me of even more precious sleep. But here I am, home safe and sound after a fantastic week of fun and adventure, so I have no complaints.

    And that wraps up another Bullet Sunday! Thanks to everybody who took time out of their busy lives over the past week to hang out with me. Hopefully we'll meet up again one day soon!

    Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Probed

    Posted on Monday, September 24th, 2007

    Dave!So here I am in Spokane.

    I'm assuming that I drove here, because when I look out my hotel-room window I see my car out there... but I have no recollection of the trip. The 3-hour drive is so mind-numbingly dull that I've apparently wiped it from my memory. Either that, or I was abducted by aliens along the way, and they were nice enough to transport my car here before giving me an anal probe and wiping my brain (or is that giving me a brain probe and wiping my ass? I dunno).

    All I do know is that I am so tired now that catching up on blog reading tonight is out of the question...

    Dave in Spokane
    Thank you Google Maps!

    The last thing I remember before mysteriously appearing in Spokane is working on my travel schedule. The funny thing is that I now know where I will be in December and January, but haven't a clue of what's going on until then. For all I know, I'm going to Budapest on Friday.

    Actually, that would be kind of cool... I've always wanted to go to Budapest.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    INYIM

    Posted on Tuesday, September 25th, 2007

    Dave!This morning I checked out of my hotel and began work for the day.

    This evening I checked back into my hotel because work ran later than expected.

    I'm thinking that this is probably a good thing, because I'm thoroughly exhausted. On top of that, I'm not as comfortable driving at night as I used to be, so spending three hours being stressed-out while tired is not my idea of a good time. Neither is falling asleep at the wheel, crossing over three lanes of traffic, going over a cliff, and exploding in a ball of fire.

    As I was driving back to my hotel, I noticed that there's a full moon out and it looks amazing. It's so big in the sky that it actually looks a little bit scary. I ran up to my room, grabbed my camera, then ran back outside so I could take a photo. Except the effort was all for nothing, because my camera didn't manage to do the scene justice...

    Spokane Moon

    Oh well.

    On my dinner break, I headed to the Gonzaga campus so I could have a slice of pizza at David's. Afterwards, I decided to walk down the street so I could see what the menu was like at Sonic Burrito. On the way back, I ran across a girl breaking up with her boyfriend. The guy was saying "don't do this... I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Then she dropped the "INYIM" bomb ("It's Not You It's Me) and it was over. Having been in this exact situation, I could totally relate to the poor bastard, and found myself wondering if he was buying the whole INYIM excuse. Does anybody ever believe the INYIM excuse?

    Life's a bitch.

    Then she rips out your heart and stomps on it.

    Gee... that sure sounded a little bitter.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Broiled

    Posted on Wednesday, September 26th, 2007

    Dave!My favorite meal of the day is breakfast. It's the only repast that I really try to eat regularly, and is easily my biggest meal of the day. I thought that this would change once I went on my restrictive diet (which I am starting again tomorrow) but it didn't. Even without toast, waffles, and cereal drenched in high-fructose corn syrup, I still love to eat each morning. The food may have changed, but my desire for breakfast is the same.

    Except while traveling.

    When I'm on the road, I rarely have time for breakfast, and always seem to end up in some fast food joint eating complete and total crap. Yesterday, for example, I was in a hurry and stopped at Burger King for a quick bite because it was convenient.

    Note to self... STOP EATING AT BURGER KING!!

    Their breakfast stuff is often stale, and is always... ALWAYS cold. This morning I had disgusting cold eggs with unmelted cheese on a stale "Croissandwich" that was practically inedible. What the hell? Isn't Burger King famous for flame-broiling shit? Why not put some of that heat on their crappy breakfast sandwiches?

    I know what I'd like to flame broil...

    Flame Broiled Burger King
    With a twist of my ring, I flame-broil the Burger King!

    I choked the disgusting Croissandwich down, because I was hungry, had no time to go anywhere else, and am accustomed to eating in the mornings. Then I was sick most of the day because the crap sat in my stomach like a rock.

    And did I learn my lesson?

    No.

    This morning I wanted a frickin' breakfast burrito because I thought Qdoba would be open and serving them. But, unlike the SeaTac airport Qdoba which serves an awesome breakfast burrito, the Spokane location doesn't open for breakfast at all. Obsessing over getting my dang burrito, I decided to go to Sonic. I tried eating there once before, but "America's Drive-In" doesn't have any options for vegetarians (apparently, people who don't eat meat are un-American?). But I did remember they had a breakfast burrito, so off I went.

    I had a "Super-Sonic Breakfast Burrito" without the sausage along with a Tropical Smoothee and a side of Tater Tots.

    The eggs in my burrito were kind of nasty and browned. The Smoothee wasn't blended enough, so I couldn't even drink it because massive chunks of pineapple were sticking in the straw. The tater-tots were cold... and I'm not saying they were "not hot" they were actually cold. Yet another crappy breakfast that made me miserable the rest of the day (and driving 3 hours home in that state was not fun).

    I'm hoping I've learned my lesson. From now on, if I don't have time to dine at a proper restaurant and eat a decent breakfast, I should just not eat. I'd much rather be hungry than sick.

    Of course, I think we all know the odds of me actually remembering that I learned this lesson...

    Categories: Food 2007, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Avitablog

    Posted on Thursday, September 27th, 2007

    Dave!Okay... okay... okay...

    For far too long I've been promising to write about the trip that Bad Robert and I took to Las Vegas a few years back. Well, since I don't have anything else to blog about today, I'm finally going to spill the beans. It's a tale filled with adventure... alcohol... gambling... women... Madonna... and even a little magic. It's the story of how two guys from the sticks, wide-eyed and innocent, took a journey to Sin City that would change their lives forever. Nothing could prepare me for the things I'd see and experience in Vegas, especially once I... I... I...

    Hey, wait a minute... why does it feel as though I've already blogged today?

    Oh... I did already blog today...

    Avitable Guest

    Avitable is taking a week off, so I filled in over at his place.

    I guess I'll save my Las Vegas story for another day.

    UPDATE: Holy crap! Illeana Douglas has joined the cast of Ugly Betty! Just when I think this show can't get ay better...

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Wallpaper

    Posted on Friday, September 28th, 2007

    Dave!Apple released a really nifty iPhone upgrade last night. One of the coolest new features is being able to buy music directly from your iPhone over wireless networks. It's really easy to use, and iPhone transfers your purchases back to your computer the next time you sync... sweet! They've also made some other improvements, like increasing the speaker volume (which was badly needed) and adding some shortcuts to make using iPhone easier. I love that iPhone can be improved and upgraded like this, and can't wait to see what Apple comes up with next!

    DavePhone

    In celebration of iPhone's new upgrade, I'm releasing some of the wallpapers I've been using on my own iPhone. A few people have been asking about them for a while now, and so I've put them in an extended entry (scroll to the bottom and click "continue reading"). As if there wasn't already enough reasons to own an iPhone, here are twelve more...

    iPhone Wallpapers by Dave

    But before we get to the wallpapers... here is a wrap-up of the new shows I've seen for this new season, ranked from best to worst...

    • Pushing Daisies. LIKES: Absolutely everything. Just like Bryan Fuller's other brilliant shows, Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me, this is amazing television. BLECH: Absolutely nothing... it's a stunning, beautiful, magical, wonderful show (I caught this pilot on preview and think it's the best this season).
    • Reaper. LIKES: Everything. BLECH: Nothing. I am so happy this show didn't bite, because the demon-fighting premise is iffy.
    • Chuck. LIKES: Excellent cast and premise. BLECH: You'd think a show like this would get the tech-stuff right but, of course, a lot of times they don't. People are more computer-savy than ever, and having stupid tech mistakes ruin the show.
    • Torchwood. LIKES: Cheesy goodness that's highly entertaining. BLECH: Special effects pretty poor. And, oh yeah... "omnisexual?!?" WTF?!?
    • Dirty Sexy Money. LIKES: Superbly cast, with the always-amazing Peter Krause leading the pack. Everything about this show is slick, polished, and fun to watch. BLECH: It's a frickin' soap opera! The show seems too straight-forward at times, and needs some Twins Peaksian strangeness tossed in to keep things interesting. I can see this story getting very boring and mundane very quickly.
    • Bionic Woman. LIKES: Katee Sackhoff! Decent story and special effects. BLECH: When the villain (the delicious Katee Sackhoff) is more interesting than any other character on the show, you've got problems. They had better ramp up the action and keep Jamie Summers doing cool bionic crap or else this show could start to bore me like the non-super-powered "Heroes" which I loathe.
    • The Big Bang Theory. LIKES: Uhhh... the girl is kind of hot? BLECH: Everything about this show is totally lame. How long can two anti-social geeks be fun to watch before they bore the crap out of you? About ten minutes.
    • Private Practice. LIKES: Shonda Rhimes knows dialoge. BLECH: Yet another medical drama, but lifeless and horribly dull. Should have never been greenlit for a series. Even worse, it looks like Grey's Anatomy is going to suffer because of this horrible distraction.
    • Journeyman. LIKES: Not much. BLECH: This is an awful mess that's just not interesting, and the show's pacing is all over the place.
    • Moonlight. LIKES: Very little. BLECH: It's a vampire detective show! Just like Angel! But this time it sucks ass! Who in their right mind would put this crap on the air? I saw this on preview and fast-forwarded through most of it.
    • Big Shots. LIKES: Cool cast... Titus! Vartan! McDermott! BLECH: Horribly written... who wants to see guys being whiny bitches? These are supposed to be men, right? Because no guy I know talks or acts like this. Lastly, Joshua Malina, who I liked in Sports Night and The West Wing is grossly miscast here.
    • Flash Gordon. LIKES: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY F#@%ING NOTHING! BLECH: Absolute worst show on television (though I haven't seen Cavemen yet). How the Sci-Fi channel could f#@% up so badly on a can't-miss character is mind-blowing. Do us all a favor and put money into a new Farscape special instead of this stupid shit.

    And now for iPhone wallpapers...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Shortcake

    Posted on Saturday, September 29th, 2007

    Dave!Saturdays are usually spent working, but I've got two week's worth of dirty clothes piling up, so I took the morning off to wash them. Since I was already caught up on my television shows, I turned on the TV to see what might be playing on a Saturday morning. Much to my surprise, the first show to pop up was Strawberry Shortcake and Friends on CBS TV's "Kewlopolis" slate of girl's programming.

    Strawberry Shortcake started out in the late 70's as a kind of rag-doll type character which was used to whore greeting cards and wrapping paper and such. Then, in the early 80's, Strawberry Shortcake and her friends were made into a series of creepy dolls that were supposed to smell like strawberries, blueberries, and such... but actually stank like toxic waste. Now Strawberry Shortcake is back, but she's been updated to a smart-n-sassy, no-nonsense kind of girl with her own cartoon show...

    Strawberry Shortcake

    This is cool kewl and all, but there's a much-needed member of the Strawberry Shortcake family who's been missing. Until now. I am proud to introduce the berry latest inhabitant of Strawberryland... the Pimp-Daddy of deserts... Bran Muffin!

    Bran Muffin

    Bran Muffin is a boy with a heart of gold who helps out the bitches girls of Strawberryland when they need to make some quick cash. Bran lives in a swingin' rent-controlled bachelor pad in Sugartits Tower in the middle of Chocolate Pudding City. When he's not counting his money, Bran likes to spread a little of his sugar around Strawberryland, bringing joy and happiness to everybody he meets! Like most inhabitants of this magical place, Bran Muffin has an animal companion... his pet iguana named Colon Blow.

    Sigh. I really should have a job in children's television programming development. I'm so totally suited for it.

       

    Bullet Sunday 50

    Posted on Sunday, September 30th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday at the end of a cold and dreary afternoon. What happened? Where did summer go?

    • Invincible! Even though it's a couple months old, I didn't get around to reading the latest Invincible hardcover until now. Much like Volumes 1 & 2, Invincible: The Ultimate Collection Volume 3 is amazing. Just when you think that Robert Kirkman can't possibly come up with cool new ideas for his book, he somehow devises these amazing storylines that catapult the series to an entirely new level. Highest possible recommendation.

    • Birbiglia! This week one of my favorite comedians, Mike Birbiglia, dropped his new album called My Secret Public Journal and it is (as expected) TOTALLY AWESOME. A very worthy follow-up to Two Drink Mike and his Comedy Central Special. Everybody should go buy it immediately.

    Mike Birbiglia

    • Vista! Microsoft announced that they're going to continue selling Windows XP into 2008 because they now realize that their new Windows Vista OS totally sucks ass and nobody wants to use it. Or something like that. I can relate, because after re-installing and re-activating Vista three times and still having problems, I finally threw Vista in garbage and went back to XP. It's as if every single time I am forced to use Windows, Microsoft makes the experience so horrible that I will hate it even more that the last time I was forced to use Windows. The not-so-subtle irony here is that Microsoft is taking a massive step backwards just as Apple is preparing to unleash the next version of their VASTLY SUPERIOR AND ALL-AROUND KICK-ASS OS, MacOS X Leopard, in October. I LOVE YOU STEVE JOBS!!

    • Caruso! The latest advertisements for CSI: Miami are hinting that Horatio Cane (played by the tragically-awful "actor" David Caruso) is going to DIE! Yes... DIE! DIE! DIIIEEEEE! In which case I might actually start watching the show. But bastard TV executives are always lying about stuff, and so I'm going to wait and be totally sure he's dead before I tune in. How do I make a Google Alert for something like that? Because the alternative is just too big a nightmare to imagine...

    Caruso TV

    • Order! I spent the morning filling orders, and thought I'd make a PSA: Just so everybody knows... all orders from the Artificial Duck Store over one week old have been shipped. Prints, which were delayed while I found something to send them in, were shipped out weeks ago. I am saying this because I recently found out that somebody did not get what they ordered. If you have ordered something and have not received it, PLEASE let me know! Thanks!

    I'm feeling unbelievable lazy, so that's all she wrote for Bullet Sunday.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Puzzled

    Posted on Monday, October 1st, 2007

    Dave!Given that I don't really blog about anything of actual substance in my life, all the interesting stuff that happened today can't be written about here. Suffice to say that in one day, everything I thought that was going to happen in my life for the next two months has been drastically altered. I'm still sorting through the pieces to determine if this is a good thing or a bad thing, because right now I just don't know. That's the way it goes.

    At least that's what I keep telling myself.

    Trying my best to roll with the punches, I cleared my evening so that I could attempt to put everything back together again. It was not a happy time, and it was most certainly not easy. And I think a few of the pieces fell in-between the couch cushions, because I can't see the big picture yet.

    Life should be more like a Rubik's Cube than a jigsaw puzzle, because then you couldn't misplace any of the pieces...

    Davecube

    And, more importantly, there's a formula that tells you how to solve it.

    Oh well. I've done the best I can.

    Though it's entirely possible that everything will change again tomorrow.

    Or the next day.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Cancellation

    Posted on Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

    Dave!I managed to get most of my messed-up schedule repaired today. The worst part about it all is having to call and cancel out on people who were counting on me... and some things I was really looking forward to doing had to be given up. I'm trying to make the best of the situation, but sometimes it's hard to find an up-side.

    Except when one of the things you're canceling is helping Bad Robert move his furniture out of storage. There's really no down-side to missing out on dragging heavy objects up two flights of stairs. Well, except Robert promised to buy me Taco Bell if I helped, and I love me the Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes (especially when somebody else is paying for them).

    Of course, now that I think about it, my restrictive diet wouldn't allow me to have Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes in the first place! I'd be risking my life moving his furniture with no cheese-covered reward at the end! That hardly seems fair now, does it?

    Anyway...

    While I was backing up my hard drive this morning, I ran across a project that I had started a while back, but never had time to finish. The idea was to come up with some character "style sheets" for Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey, then hire a professional to create 3-D models of them for me. This is a lot harder than it sounds, because translating a 2-D cartoon into 3-D doesn't always work, and you need to find somebody who has a lot of experience doing it. On top of that, it's quite a challenge for me to visualize the characters having depth... I never put any thought of them existing that way while I was slapping them together years ago...

    Lil' Dave Style Sheet
    Awwwww... cute!

    Ooh! Ooh! Reaper is on TV now! I hope that the lead character doesn't turn into a whiny little bitch like what happened with Chuck last night. Boy does that get old in a hurry.

       

    Televised

    Posted on Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

    Dave!This morning I wake up to my Variety newsfeed and see something so shocking that I very nearly pee myself while squealing like a little girl and crying at the same time... ABC to give 'Cupid' another shot.

    My first thought is that ABC is bringing back the best show ever to air on television.

    My second thought is that this is wishful thinking, and they have bought the rights to CBS's crappy dating reality show of the same name.

    But then I click through to the story, and there it is...

    "Rob Thomas to resurrect Jeremy Piven series."

    At this point I'm in complete shock. This kind of thing never happens. Television networks rarely (if ever) admit that they've made a massive f#@%ing mistake and set about correcting it. I've written about my love of Jeremy Piven's Cupid many, many times, and the thought of it coming back is almost too much to handle. What's next? They bring back Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me and Arrested Development?

    And then I read the story...

    Thomas said he was "shocked" by the request -- in a good way. "I'm getting a chance to do what writers never get the chance to do, which is to go back and try to improve a work," he added.
       
      — Wow. Is Rob Thomas high? How can you improve upon perfection? This does not bode well.
       
    Scribe said that while he'll write a completely new pilot, "I'm not going to reinvent it. What they're buying is the show."
       
      — Thank heavens for that! Maybe he hasn't gone insane after all.
       
    There will be changes, of course.
       
      — FUCK!!!!
       
    For one thing, Piven, busy on "Entourage," won't be reprising his role. Thomas also wants to come up with a main title sequence that captures the show's conceit so he doesn't have to explain it every week.
       
      — WHAT THE FUCK?!? CUPID IS JEREMY PIVEN!!! DID ROB THOMAS NOT WATCH HIS OWN SHOW?!? How the fuck can you "not reinvent" the show yet not have Jeremy Piven in it? Cupid without Cupid? And who gives a crap if Jeremy Piven is doing Entourage? He may be the best part of that show, but he's not the lead character! Bring Piven back to Cupid and have him make guest-appearances on Entourage! The show isn't even that good anymore. This is worse news than if they never decided to bring back Cupid in the first place! Maily because IT WON'T BE CUPID WITHOUT JEREMY PIVEN! If HBO had any integrity at all, they would cancel Entourage before it gets too awful, and let Piven go back to Cupid.
       
    New "Cupid" will also relocate from Chicago to Los Angeles, allowing for more high-profile stunt casting.
       
      — Yes, well, if you're destroying the show by not bringing back the lead character, what difference does it make where you put it? Chicago was critical to the grounding of the show, and one of the many, many things I loved about Cupid was the constant location shoots in The Windy City, but whatever.
       
    "The plan is to try to hook some really good guest stars every week," Thomas said.
       
      — I think I want to die...

    So ABC isn't bringing back Cupid after all. Not really. My only hope is that we will at least get the original series out on DVD so they can use it to promote the butchered remake.

    The hardest thing for me is that I totally trust Rob Thomas, and the new version of the show is undoubtedly going to be brilliant (the guy did create Veronica Mars and the original Cupid after all). But will that be any consolation to me? Probably not. The original series is the best television show ever, and having a new success on what could have been a stunning comeback just makes me sad.

    Which brings me to the best show currently airing on television (TONIGHT 8/7c)...

    Pushing Daisies

    I've only seen the first episode of Pushing Daisies, but it's so brilliant that the rest of the episodes could be crap and the show would still be genius. Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less from Bryan Fuller (the guy behind the aforementioned Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me), and I am very interested in seeing where he takes this one.

    But the show is on ABC... the network that fucked up Cupid, the best show ever to air on television, so I'm not holding my breath. The morons will probably preempt Pushing Daisies a half-dozen times... change the time-slot again and again... demand changes to the show... then blame viewers for not tuning in before ultimately canceling it after five episodes.

    It's what they do.

    I wish I didn't love television so much.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Veto

    Posted on Thursday, October 4th, 2007

    Dave!Did you feel it?

    Did you feel it?

    If you were anywhere in the Pacific Northwest, you undoubtedly felt the presence of Elizabeth Hurley in Seattle yesterday, signing autographs at Nordstroms to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Unfortunately, I had a project deadline to meet, so driving over to Seattle so I could stand in line with a bunch of ladies in the cosmetics department and profess my undying love for all things Elizabeth Hurley was not in the cards.

    Perhaps it's for the best. Keeping the fantasy alive and all that.

    And then there's reality...

    I've said before that blogging is not very difficult for me. Whenever I have free time during the day, I just grab my MacBook and type something out. I don't really think about it, and just blog whatever is on my mind. The average entry comes together in about 10 minutes (or a little longer if I have photos to work with or cartoons to draw).

    But today was completely different.

    Because this morning I read about President Bush's veto of the bipartisan bill to help provide healthcare to children that are from families making too much money to qualify for Medicaid, but too little money to afford insurance.

    And then lost my mind.

    This is my fifth attempt to put down my thoughts on the matter. The four other times I've tried throughout the day, I just end up typing "FUCK!" every other word and WRITING EVERYTHING IN ALL-CAPS. I'm beyond shock. I'm beyond anger. I can't even feign indifference. George Bush with all his money has never had to worry about how he's going to care for a sick child, and now it's fairly obvious that he doesn't give a fuck about people who do. This was a bill endorsed by both Democrats and Republicans. This was a bill supported by 72% of Americans. This was a bill that would cost relatively little compared to our $13 trillion dollar economy (and is positively paltry when compared to the cost of the war in Iraq). This was a bill that would provide desperately-needed health care coverage to over 9 million children (CHILDREN!!). This was a chance for George Bush to put his personal politics aside and do something for the good of the people he represents... something that a majority of these people are supporting.

    But our president apparently doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck about parents who can't afford insurance for their kids. He doesn't give a fuck about what Americans want. He doesn't give a fuck the well-being of children. And he certainly doesn't even give a fuck about his fellow Republicans who will be running for office next term, because stuff like this is what will push fence-sitters to vote Democrat.

    He just doesn't give a fuck.

    President Bush says his reason for killing the bill is because he's trying to halt the federalization of health care... "I don't want the federal government making decisions for doctors and customers." Which just goes to show that on top of not giving a fuck, he's completely clueless as well. Did he even READ the bill before he vetoed it? This program has NOTHING TO DO WITH FEDERALIZING HEALTH CARE!! The program would provide funds for STATE government to enroll children in PRIVATE health insurance plans. Perhaps he actually did read it, he just didn't understand it? I can't decide if that would make me feel better or worse.

    I could go on and on. I could unleash my profound disappointment in our president. I could rage about how insane it is that the wealthiest nation on earth can't provide health care for all of its citizens. I could go crazy over how insurance lobbies are dictating policy to our elected officials. I could... but I won't. I don't want to discuss it anymore. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just don't want to accept that our country is run by somebody so lacking in decency and compassion.

    Or maybe it's because I don't give a fuck either.

       

    Faculties

    Posted on Friday, October 5th, 2007

    Dave!Today on my way home from work I pull up to a stop light and suddenly realize that I don't have my iPhone with me. After flying into a total panic, I calm down once I realize that all I have to do is call my iPhone and I'll be able to hear where I left it.

    But then I go to reach for iPhone to call myself and realize that there is a slight flaw in my plan. It's times like this that I have to seriously wonder if my mental faculties were permanently damaged from all that marijuana I smoked in the 60's...

    Davehippies

    Except I wasn't born until 1966 and don't smoke pot, so things must be worse than I thought.

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Expectations

    Posted on Saturday, October 6th, 2007

    Dave!Bleh. I hate to shop, but had to drive into the city this afternoon so I could run some errands. Usually I would pick a week-day to avoid the crowds, but I didn't have any choice. What a mistake that turned out to be. The mall was frickin' nuts. By the time I got home, I was ready to beat my head against a wall, drink a fifth of vodka, take a handful of sleeping pills, and go into a nice relaxing coma.

    In better news, tomorrow is my grandmother's 90th birthday! She's one of the best people I know, and I love her more than my iPhone!

    Grandma and Dave
    Grandma helping me with my drinking skills during those early years.

    Since my grandmother is a hardcore Seattle Mariners baseball fan, we thought it would be fun to surprise her with a Mariners decorated birthday cake. I printed out the Mariner's logo from their web site and gave it to my mother so she could have one made. When she ordered it, she handed over the logo and asked for "Happy Birthday" to be written across the bottom. Today she went to pick it up, and this is what we got...

    Grandma Cake

    Uhhhh... yeah. I suppose it wouldn't have been so awful if the entire cake wasn't all lopsided. Obviously, we couldn't serve something so heinous for such a special occasion, so we started making desperate phone calls to see if somebody could make us a new cake. That's when we found out that it's illegal for cake decorators to use copyrighted materials (like the Seattle Mariner's logo) to decorate their cakes. Oops.

    So I decided for the bakery to just write "Happy Birthday" on the cake and put a border around it. Then I'd go ahead and add the logo myself. The problem is that none of the logos I found on the internet were of high enough resolution to print out for a cake. I thought somebody must have an EPS vector graphic online somewhere, but Googling turned up nothing. I finally gave up and just drew it myself. I tried to find a font to write "Seattle Mariners" around the logo, but couldn't find one that looked right. Ultimately I had to create my own typeface as well...

    Marinerfont

    To make sure there would be no mistake with how we wanted the cake to look this time, here's what I handed over to the bakery...

    Grandma Cake
    Logo © ™ ® by the Seattle Mariners

    I wrote a note asking them to please do everything except the logo since I'll be adding that myself. I pick up the cake tomorrow morning, so I guess we'll see what happens.

    What's cool is that last week I found some officially licensed party supplies to match the cake...

    Mariner Party Gear
    Merchandise © ™ ® by the Seattle Mariners

    What's not cool is how much money officially licensed party crap costs! TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!? I suppose that they have to pay those billion-dollar sports salaries somehow, but TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!? You'd think for that kind of money that the Party Pack would include an actual Seattle Mariner baseball player... or maybe even an Ichiro bobble-head... but you'd be wrong. All you get are plates, napkins, cups, and forks.

    That's a pity, because an Ichiro bobble-head would have been totally sweet.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 51

    Posted on Sunday, October 7th, 2007

    Dave!I'm going fully automatic for Bullet Sunday on Blogography today!

    • Science! Yesterday while I was running errands, I dropped by the crafts store for some spray glue. As I was standing in line to pay for my stuff, I saw a kid holding a cardboard "presentation board" which he was using for his Science Fair project. This made me a little bit angry. CARDBOARD? Back when I made my science fair project, I had to use REAL WOOD BOARDS and METAL HINGES and SCREWS. My science fair board weighed a ton, but had the benefit of being indestructible. I pity the fool who uses wimpy CARDBOARD on their science fair project! So this is what people mean when they talk about the "pussification of America!"

    Science Fair

    • Cake! I ran into Wenatchee to pick up my grandma's cake this morning... it wasn't exactly what we had wanted, but it was a heck of a lot better than what we had the first time (i.e. it was actually cake-shaped). Most important of all, it tasted delicious and everybody liked it. Overall the party went really well, though I did have a weird moment when I walked up and found my grandmother discussing Britney Spears with her sisters. Apparently they're as sick of hearing about her as the rest of us.

    • Reamed! Last night I got a nasty piece of hatemail claiming that Blogography glorifies drug use and should be held responsible for encouraging kids to do drugs (among other things). To which I replied "huh?" Turns out this had to do with a story I drew where Bad Monkey got caught trying to smuggle heroin. To which I replied "huh?" I still don't get it. At no point in the cartoon does Bad Monkey (or anybody else) actually use drugs. It's not like I have my monkey shooting-up and throwing a party or anything. Maybe THIS is what people mean then they talk about the "pussification of America?"

    Cavity Search

    • Chocolate! GAH! I AM SICK OF DARK CHOCOLATE!! They're starting to put that bitter crap on everything! I'm a milk chocolate kind of guy, and it is really frustrating to have to dig through all this dark chocolate junk to find something I want. This morning I bought a package of M&M's that I opened while I was driving home, only to learn that they were M&M's DARK. I didn't notice that I had grabbed a purple bag instead of the brown bag. I only ate that one handful, but I've still got that bitter taste stuck in my mouth nine hours later. Oh how the memory of it haunts me still.

    • Bullet! Hey, if this is Bullet Sunday #51, and there are 52 weeks in a year, does that mean next week I'll have been doing Bullet Sunday for a year? Who knew?

    Hmmm... I guess that's all she wrote, because the crazy old couple that lives in the mobile home park next door are screaming at each other again, and there's nothing good on television...

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    DaveAir

    Posted on Monday, October 8th, 2007

    Dave!Today was a totally miserable day, and I don't really feel like blogging.

    Except I just can't help myself.

    Probably because tomorrow promises to be even worse, but more likely because there's nothing good on television Mondays at 9:00. Once I've watched Chuck and How I Met Your Mother, it's game over.

    Today on my way to work I stopped at the mini-mart so I could grab an orange juice. While I was deciding if I wanted pulp or no pulp, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. "Is Candice there" the guy asked. "Nope, you've got the wrong number" I replied. "When she gets back can you tell her I called?" he said. "You've got the wrong number... there's no Candice here!" I repeated. "Shit!" the guy says "she wrong-numbered me!" Not knowing what else to say, I mumble "yeah, that's a tough break... bye!" and hang up.

    Five minutes later, iPhone rings again from the same number. "Dude, there's no Candice here!" I say immediately. "Yeah, I just thought I'd check and make sure I didn't mess up" the guy says. "She must have been pretty special," I offer sympathetically. "Yeah, I thought so... sorry to bother you" he replies awkwardly as he hangs up.

    Is it really so hard to just put the poor bastard out of his misery rather than get his hopes up like that?

    Relationship head-games are the worst.

    And now, before I go, is there anybody out there with a couple billion dollars burning a hole in their pocket? I'm looking for financing to create my own airline. The schedules out of Seattle are not at all convenient for me, and I'm tired of having to take that horrifying 6:00am flight out of Wenatchee to make a connection. On top of that, the planes would look totally bitchin'...

    And, as if that weren't enough... you get wider seats, more legroom, in-flight internet, and free chocolate pudding on every flight! Life is better with DaveAir!

       

    Road

    Posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

    Dave!My anticipation that today was going to suck ass somehow made it bearable.

    Well, that, and knowing that at the end of the day I would be having dinner at David's Pizza.

    The 3-hour drive to Spokane, which was kill-me-now-boring (as always) was made even worse this time because I got a late start and had to navigate the traffic pouring out of the city. For reasons I cannot begin to fathom, some of the stupidest drivers on earth tend to congregate on the single-lane road between Wenatchee (Apple Capitol of the World!) and Quincy (Best Corn on Earth!)...

    Spokane Danger Zone

    More than once along the way I wanted to drive my car off a cliff so that I wouldn't have to deal with the insanity anymore. Police cars patrol the stretch regularly, but don't seem to do anything about people driving 10mph under the speed limit, or weaving all over the road because they're talking on their mobile phone instead of paying attention to where they're driving. Dumbasses.

    Dave Drive-By

    And tomorrow I get to do it all over again on the way home!

    I'm so excited that I could just shit myself.

    But right now there's a new episode of Reaper on, so that will jut have to wait.

    UPDATE: Oh great! My hotel's crappy internet connection keeps cutting out. This seems to be happening more and more when I travel anymore. If a hotel has a flakey internet connection, they shouldn't be able to advertise having internet at all, because it's not always true. Bastards.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Quizzical

    Posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007

    Dave!Oh! Oh! Oh! OH! OH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!

    After driving three hours yesterday, all I really wanted to do was get some sleep. I had to get up early this morning, and a good night's rest would go a long way toward my day getting off to a good start. Except I think we all know I'm just not that lucky. Around 1:30am there was a loud bang followed by wild moaning coming from the room behind my headboard. In my groggy state, I first thought that a woman was being killed next door. But after I woke up I realized that it was just a woman being killed next door.

    I think she was faking it.

    Or she was having the best sex of her life.

    Or she was being murdered. I dunno, because it's such a fine line.

    And now it's time for...

    WHICH IS SCARIER? While shopping for dental floss, I came across something disturbing. Which doll is more terrifying... George Bush or Hilary Clinton?...

    Scary!

    If you said anything except "both" then you're wrong. They are equally scary, but for very different reasons. And some of the same reasons. All I know is that either doll would scar a child for life.

    And now it's time for...

    WHAT'S WRONG? Other than the fact that I'm trying to use my camera while driving, what's wrong with this picture?...

    Wrongness

    If you said "Dave is overdue for his oil change," then you're wrong. Well, you're not totally wrong... I am totally overdue for my oil change, but that's not what I was going for. No, what I was going for was that I am driving 36mph in a 60mph zone here... BECAUSE THE DUMBASS AHEAD OF ME WON'T GO THE SPEED LIMIT! Yet if I were to run them off the road so that they explode in a fiery ball of death and destruction, it would be ME who would be considered the criminal! There is no justice.

    And now it's time for...

    WHAT'S THE SIGN? After driving past several miles of rocky cliffs, rock-filled walls, barriers constructed out of rock material, and actual rocks, what do you think this sign is going to say?...

    Rocky

    If you said "Wild Dingo Crossing" then you're wrong. No, the sign that somebody felt was worth spending several hundred dollars to erect here says "ROCKS." Because stating the sublimely obvious is money well spent...

    Rocks!

    And now, from the "I swear I am not making this stuff up" department, I got another wrong number call while driving back home today...

    DAVE: Hello?
       
    GUY: Yeah, is Jayden there?
       
    DAVE: Nope. Sorry, you've got the wrong number.
       
    GUY: So you're not Jayden?
       
    DAVE: Not right now.

    WTF?? You have the wrong number but you expect to end up talking to the person you were calling anyway?!? How exactly is that supposed to work? Are you calling with a MAGIC phone?

    And now I'm going to bed to do do New York Times Crosswords puzzles on my Nintendo DS until I fall asleep. Which will probably be in about 10 minutes.

    I hope.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Daisies

    Posted on Thursday, October 11th, 2007

    Dave!Variety has just released the news that the one and only Simon Pegg has signed on to play "Scotty" in J.J. Abram's forthcoming Star Trek film. I didn't think that they could top Zachary Quinto playing "Spock," but this is an absolute genius move. Of course, a terrific cast doesn't guarantee that the movie isn't going to suck ass, but it's certainly looking good so far.

    And speaking of good things...

    The second episode of Pushing Daisies was absolutely incredible. The show is like a work of art that sucks you into a beautiful, quirky world from which you don't want to escape. I can't think of another show on TV that keeps me smiling from beginning to end like this, and leaves me feeling happy for no reason at all...

    Pushing Davies

    Of course, this most certainly means that ABC will cancel it, so I have no idea why I'm getting so attached.

    Bastard television networks.

    Today I was looking through some old papers in a futile attempt to find an important document I've lost. Never saw it, but I found all kinds of crazy stuff that I didn't even know I kept... my favorite discovery being a photocopy of a cartoon I drew years ago. The Sam & Max video game had finally been released for Macintosh, and I was so happy that I drew my own Sam & Max adventure so that I could attach my personal check to it for payment...

    (click for a larger version)
    Sam and Max!

    But that's only half as entertaining as my most favorite spam ever...

    To: Abby U. Shaver
    From: Mia X. Randle
    Subject: Does your penis size ruin your life? Our product will stop that!

       
    Have they ever told you this, "Damn it! Your penis is so small!"?
    Didn't you just wanna run away?
    Don't let women choose sexual toys but not you! Megadik will make you a real man! You must believe in this wonderful preparation!
    "Gush! Your penis is impressive!" Isn't that what you just love to hear?
    Soon you'll be the only one ladies will want! Megadik is your magic weapon!

    The check is in the mail, baby... the check is in the mail...

       

    Summary

    Posted on Friday, October 12th, 2007

    Dave!

    Monkey Bird

       

       

    Known

    Posted on Saturday, October 13th, 2007

    Dave!Leave it to Hilly to come up with a new meme I can't refuse. Her "How Well Do You Know Me" entry is a bit more personal than I get here on my blog, but it still seemed like a fun thing to do while catching up on TiVo. Though, since nobody seems to read blogs on the weekend, maybe I should have waited until next week? Probably. Oh well, here we go...

    1. My current dream vacation would be...
      1. Touring through Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam.
      2. Taking an icebreaker cruise to Antarctica from South America.
      3. Exploring the Amalfi Coast of Southern Italy.
      4. A trip from Brisbane to Sydney to Melbourne in Australia.
    2. My biggest pet peeve is...
      1. People clipping their fingernails (or toenails) in public.
      2. People making crunching noises while eating in TV commercials.
      3. People that let their kids run wild and unsupervised.
      4. People who smack their gum while chewing it.
    3. No matter how bad I feel, doing this one thing will make me feel happy every time...
      1. Painting a scenic picture in watercolors.
      2. Bitch-slapping random idiots at the grocery store.
      3. Watching the last 5 minutes of the movie Millions by Danny Boyle.
      4. Eating a bowl of chocolate pudding with a stack of graham crackers.
    4. My DaveToon sidekick character of Bad Monkey is based on...
      1. Robert, my motorcycle-riding psychotic friend.
      2. Max, the homicidal rabbit from Sam & Max.
      3. Curious George, friend of the Man in the Yellow Hat.
      4. Calvin from Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes.
    5. The first blogger I ever met in person is...
      1. Jenny from Run Jen Run.
      2. Jeff from Geekable.
      3. Kazza from Kazza the Blank One.
      4. Kevin from Kapgar.
    6. Total number of webfeeds I read, and the number of those that are personal blogs...
      1. 188 / 131.
      2. 227 / 170.
      3. 362 / 256.
      4. 390 / 316.
    7. The traits I most admire in people is...
      1. Honesty & Intelligence.
      2. Conviction & Compassion.
      3. Bravery & Strength.
      4. Hotness & Charisma.
    8. The person I would most like to beat severely with a baseball bat...
      1. Jared Fogle, the Subway Sandwich Whore.
      2. Doug Morris, CEO of Universal Music.
      3. Ann Couter, evil incarnate.
      4. Pat Robertson, hate-preaching bastard.
    9. The travel guru I most like to use as a resource for planning my trips...
      1. The Travel Channel's Samantha Brown.
      2. 1000 Places to See Before You Die author Patricia Schultz.
      3. Famous travel writer and TV personality Rick Steves.
      4. Brilliant travel storyteller Bill Bryson.
    10. My greatest phobia would be...
      1. Nosocomephobia: Fear of hospitals.
      2. Entomophobia: Fear of insects.
      3. Ophidiophobia: Fear of snakes.
      4. Acrophobia: Fear of heights.

    Here's the really strange thing... on some of these, I don't even know what my answer will be!

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 52

    Posted on Sunday, October 14th, 2007

    Dave!w00t! This wraps up one year of Bullet Sunday here at Blogography! I started it as a way to post about all the little things that happen during my week that aren't big enough to merit an entry of their own. It was a good plan, but rather than keeping track of little things throughout the week, I always end up waiting until the last minute where I have to struggle to think up something. Oh well. I've grown to like Bullet Sunday, so I guess it will be sticking around.

    • Sauce! While I was shopping for ingredients to make burritos last night, I was in the Mexican food aisle listening to a woman yell at her kid for picking up a bottle of hot sauce. "Put that back! We can get that for free at Taco Bell!" she says. I can't help but wonder if she gets her ketchup from McDonalds.

    • Aquaman! A TV show I've always wanted to see but never got around to was the Aquaman pilot (made by the same people responsible for Smallville.) Last night I couldn't sleep and finally got around to seeing it. Much to my surprise, it was actually pretty good! Now I'm sad that the show was never picked up for a series... it may not have been entirely faithful to the comic book, but was pretty entertaining and had real potential.

    The cool thing about the show is that Aquaman doesn't take things too seriously. He's your average slacker beach-bum that just happens to be able to breath underwater, swim fast, and talk to fish. But when when the shit hits the fan, he's kind of a bad-ass too... like stabbing evil harpy bitches in the head! Sweet! I also like that there are subtle nods to the source material... like Aquaman wearing Orange and Green like in the comic book. If you want to check it out, you can buy it at iTunes for $1.99 or watch it on Joost for free.

    • Alpha Flight! Speaking of comics... when I was in Spokane last week, I picked up the two trade paperbacks collecting the "all new, all different" Alpha Flight series that Marvel released in 2004. Despite the fact that it was widely criticized and cancelled after only 12 issues, I really liked the series, and am glad to have the trades to read again. Compared to some of the crappy books that are being released today, the imagination and clever dialogue shown in Alpha Flight is a breath of fresh air... even though it's three years old...

    Alphaflight

    • Spam of the Day! "Start a new life with beautiful large and firm breasts!" — Hmmm... while that most certainly would be the start of a new life for me, I think I'll pass. And while it might be funny when a guy gets sent an email for breast enlargement, I can't help but wonder if these spamming assholes even give a shit when their unsolicited, unwanted crap lands in the inbox of a woman who has had to undergo a mastectomy or other breast-related trauma? I long for the day that spammers are held accountable for their abhorrent actions, and finally have to face the consequences for the evil that they do.

    • Quiz! Yesterday's "How well do you know Dave?" quiz is still open. I hope to dish out the answers tomorrow, but may have to wait until Tuesday if my Monday gets too crazy.

    And just like that, one year of Bullet Sunday comes to a close.

       

    Vlogged

    Posted on Monday, October 15th, 2007

    Dave!Alrighty then... it's my first video entry!

    I recorded everything this morning, but didn't post until the afternoon so I could transcribe the audio. This way, anybody who might be deaf or hard of hearing will be able to follow along. This has the side-benefit of also helping out those people who can't play movies on their computer, or those terrified at the thought of having to watch me on video (and who could blame them?).

    You'll have to forgive the crummy video quality, because it was recorded with my mini iSight camera with crappy lighting. While you're at it, you might as well forgive the bad audio and horrible graphics as well. This video is total crap, and should be avoided at all costs.

    But if you're a glutton for punishment, look behind the curtain...

    A video transcript is in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  54 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Confessions

    Posted on Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

    Dave!Ooh! Look at me! I'm blogging on my lunch break!

    It seems everywhere I go, bloggers are making confessions. Kevin confesses to murder. Vahid confesses he has no idea what's going on in Burma. Dustin confesses his secret longing for a Mac. Amanda confesses she didn't have the brain she thought she did. Foo Diddy confesses she can't whistle or chew gum. And Ms. Sizzle confesses her undying love for me (though, to be honest, you really have to read between the lines on that one).

    It's all a little intimidating, and I feel I really should be confessing something too.

    So here we go...

    I totally want to go to a Spice Girls concert on their new world tour...

    Dave Spice... GIRL POWER!
    Dave Spice says GIRL POWER!! Zigazig ha!

    Don't ask me why, because even I don't know.

    All I do know is that if I could get tickets and if I could squeeze it into my schedule, I would SO be there.

    And in non-confessional news... thanks to everybody for their nice comments on my vlog entry yesterday. For anybody who's curious, here's a Vlogging FAQ...

    • The entire video was unscripted and, with one exception, each scene was done in one take.
    • The exception was the answer to "Who I would most like to beat with a baseball bat." It was originally several minutes long, because I felt compelled to give examples of why these people were so horrible. On the second take I eliminated my examples, but almost got caught up in the moment and started ranting about why Jared Fogle is a total douche. That's why there's that pause before I say "...is not cool."
    • Everything was recorded on my MacBook Pro's built in microphone and iSight camera using iMovie 06 (the newer iMovie 08 sucks monumental ass, and I am really pissed at Apple for taking a great program and making it crappy).
    • The graphics were done in Apple's Keynote software. I remain puzzled as to why sometimes the cool special effects exported to the movie and other times they did not. I guess it's a bug.
    • The song I was singing while eating my Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal is the theme song from New York City's Watchdog's Cereal Wednesdays.
    • Along with my fear of blood, I also have a fear of needles, making a career as a doctor a bit dicey.
    • Now that I think about it, I probably would be afraid of a snake if it were biting me.
    • I should have mentioned that Samantha Brown's latest travel series, Passport to Latin America, begins October 28th. I haven't been to Latin America yet so, needless to say, I am really looking forward to it. More details are available at the Travel Channel website.
    • When I was recording the video, I struggled to keep it under 10 minutes so I could post it to YouTube. When I ended up going 30 seconds over the limit I was going to cut the shower scene, but found out Google Video allows movies to be over 10 minutes.
    • Yes, dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower was staged. If I didn't do it, I would have had to sing the rest of Madonna's Like A Virgin, and I don't think anybody wants that. Especially me.
    • On top of that, the scene was an homage to a DaveToon I really like. It's also a reference to my trip to Vegas with Bad Robert... but you'll have to wait for my book to read about that one.
    • My vlog entry took more time than any other entry I've ever done... over an hour to make the graphics and film the scenes... so it's not something I will be doing very often.

    And lastly, before I forget, everybody needs to go vote for Obi-Steven over at Kimberly's blog. I'd ask you to vote that she gets a web-feed as well, but I can't find a place to vote for that.

       

    Seek

    Posted on Wednesday, October 17th, 2007

    Dave!Today as I was driving home for a quick errand, I saw a guy standing in front of the bank at the center of town holding a sign that said SEEK PEACE AND PURSUE IT. "Well that's nice of him," I thought as I drove by. Peace is a good thing.

    Returning to work I had a few minutes left, so I walked some packages over to the post office. Once I got there, I listened as two people in the lobby discussed the guy in front of the bank. This, in itself, was not surprising. I live in a small and highly conservative town, and an event like this is major news.

    No, what was surprising is what they were saying.

    They were discussing how "there was a time when any hippie protesters would have been run out of town."

    The reason I found this surprising was because I assumed my hometown had always been a part of the United States of America, where freedom of expression reigns (or is supposed to, anyway). This is a valid assumption when you consider that Cashmere was incorporated in 1904, which is well after Washington became our 42nd state in 1889.

    But I digress...

    What really got me going was when the conversation turned bizarre.

    They started discussing how things like this were going to become more and more common as more and more people abandoned God.

    How predictable.

    Not able to contain myself, I simply had to say something...

    DAVE: Uhhh... the sign he was holding is a quote from The Bible.
       
    MORON: What?
       
    DAVE: The guy you're talking about was holding up a quote from The Bible... it's like a famous Psalm... "seek peace and pursue it."
       
    MORON: (laughs)
       
    DAVE: So he hasn't abandoned God, he's actually trying to get people to follow God's Word.
       
    MORON: (laughing) Well I doubt that!!
       
    DAVE: No, it's true. Maybe next time you go to church you can look it up.

    The irony of my Buddhism-embracing self knowing The Bible better than many so-called Christians is not lost on me here... I'd just expect that anybody who was so quick to label a person as a godless hippie protester might have at least skimmed The Bible before passing such judgement.

    Though, if they actually had studied The Bible, they might have picked up on that whole "judge not lest ye be judged" thing (which isn't actually a demand not to judge, but is instead an edict to not judge unfairly, which is exactly what was happening here).

    Hey! I was right!

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Stalker

    Posted on Thursday, October 18th, 2007

    Dave!

    DaveStalker Button!

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Phraseology

    Posted on Friday, October 19th, 2007

    Dave!Two weeks ago, I made an appointment for this morning at 9:00am to see if my satellite TV could be upgraded. I received a phone call yesterday confirming this appointment. This morning I get a call at 8:50am telling me that they don't have the equipment and have to reschedule.

    WTF?!? They certainly knew they didn't have the equipment yesterday... why the hell didn't they call me then? Why wait until I've already scheduled my day to call and totally f#@%-up my plans? This kind of thing is completely unacceptable, yet is so commonplace in the repair/installer industry that I don't understand how anything ever gets done.

    Dumbasses.

    Seattle Blogger Meet
    Well, not after last week's game, but we'll see...

    The good news is that the weather cleared up a bit for my drive over to Seattle. And speaking of Seattle... on Sunday the 28th of October, I am flying back from the east coast and staying downtown. I know that Sunday isn't the best day for this kind of thing, but would any Seattle bloggers want to get together for an early dinner in the city? I have to work on Monday morning, so I can't stay out until midnight or anything, but it still might be fun to get together. My email address is in my sidebar, let me know if you would be able to come. I'm thinking 4:30-ish, so we have plenty of time to visit and stuff.

    And lastly, before I head out the door... a meme!

    Bre (of "Win or Lose, We Go Shopping" fame) has come up with a list the words or phrases she uses too often. Then Hilly posted her list too, and a meme was born. Below is a list of the 15 things I find myself saying (or typing) far too often...

    1. "The Whole Taco" Which I use instead of "the big picture" to mean "everything." — e.g. "You can't obsess on the details, you have to look at the whole taco!" or "This is only part of my blogroll... click here for the whole taco."
    2. "Wrecked" Takes the place of "broken" and "sucks" for me. — e.g. "I fell and wrecked my back!" or "Windows Vista is wrecked."
    3. "Totally" Rarely used in conversation, but constantly used while writing, as a modifier to signify extremeness. — e.g. "I would so totally go to a Spice Girls concert!" and "Windows Vista is totally wrecked!"
    4. "Sweet" Which took the place of "cool" and "awesome" for me. — e.g. "Your new iPhone is sweet!" or "My trip to Vegas was totally sweet!"
    5. "Serious" Another modifier to signify extremeness, and is often hyphenated (much like some people are using "crazy" now-a-days). — e.g. "Elizabeth Hurley is serious-hot!" or "Chocolate pudding is serious-delicious."
    6. "Bank" Which took the place of "money" for me. — e.g. "That Porsche must cost some serious bank!" or "I wanted to fly to Paris for the weekend, but didn't have the bank."
    7. "Bitch" Mostly used with inanimate objects (as opposed to people) to express frustration. — e.g. "This bitch is the wrong size!" or "How do I get this bitch to turn on?"
    8. "Bitches" Takes the place of "people" or "friends" for me. — e.g. "Those bitches are going to be late!" or "Hey bitches, thanks for the birthday presents!"
    9. "Whore" Used to indicate that you'll say, do, or buy anything a person or company wants you to. &mdash e.g. "I just bought the new iPod even though I already own four of them... I am such an Apple Whore!" or "Jared Fogle, the Subway Sandwich Whore."
    10. "Touched Down" Used to mean the time that something happened. — e.g. "Apple just touched down with new iPod models!" or "That new television show touched down three weeks ago."
    11. "Hurricane" A person who causes frustration, destruction, problems, or disgust... mostly due to their being annoying. — e.g. "I wish they would fire Hurricane Caruso from CSI Miami so it would be watchable!" or "Hurricane Britney just lost custody of her kids!" or "Hurricane Trump just touched down with a new building in Chicago."
    12. "Weather Delay" Used to describe ANY problem or when something is totally fucked-up (just like the airlines use!) and often used with "Hurricane" (see above). — e.g. "My stupid Windows Vista machine is experiencing a weather delay... AGAIN!" or "Sorry I'm late, there was a weather delay in the parking garage." or "Hurricane Bush has caused a serious weather delay in Iraq."
    13. "Heinous" Seriously bad. So bad that there's no justification for it. — e.g. "David Caruso's 'acting' is heinous." or "The CW Network's heinous cancellation of 'Veronica Mars' haunts me to this day."
    14. "Delusional" Somebody who routinely says something unbelievable, unrealistic, or just plain stupid. — "Pat Robertson says that Hurricane Katrina was the wrath of God on the sinners of New Orleans... he's delusional that way." or "Ann Coulter is totally serious-delusional."
    15. "Dude" I rarely say this anymore except when I'm having a conversation with Bad Robert, in which case we both use it constantly to refer to each other. — "Dude! We should totally order out pizza and play Xbox this weekend!" and "Dude! I know! I so totally have to kick your ass in Halo3! and "Dude! Dream on!" and "Dude! I can SO kick your ass in Halo3!" and "Dude! You're delusional!"

    I'm sure there are many more (I am forever using the phrase "well that sucks!," for example) but these are probably the ones that annoy other people the most.

    And, on that note, I'm off...

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Workless

    Posted on Saturday, October 20th, 2007

    Dave!For the first time in months, I've made it through an entire day without working. Instead I played games with friends, ate pizza, and sat on my ass watching television.

    I could totally get used to this.

    Alas, it's not to be. Tomorrow morning I head back home and spend all my Sunday working twice as hard so I can catch up from the day I missed. Life is harsh like that.

    But, in the meanwhile, I'm planning on getting a good night's sleep. That would be another thing I haven't done in months...

    Dave Sleep

    Goodnight!

       

    Bullet Sunday 53

    Posted on Sunday, October 21st, 2007

    Dave!So this would be the start of Bullet Sunday: Year Two. And this week I'm posting the bullets from my iPhone! Still don't know how to do images for iPhone entries though. I'll have to look into that one of these days.

    • Seattle... In addition to the Seahawks win today, I was pleasantly surprised to find that more people than expected are interested in an early dinner blogger-meet in Seattle next Sunday. I will send out an email with more details soon, and look forward to seeing everybody!

    • Blogography... When I first thought of using "Blogography" as the name of my "new" blog back in March of 2002, a Google search returned no results for the word. So I bought the domain and, after a few false starts, the rest is history. Now a Google search shows that there are dozens (if not hundreds) of sites on the web named "Blogography." This doesn't bother me at all, because it only makes my internet identity stronger as more and more people become familiar with the term (it's like free advertising!). This is all fine and good until one of these other "Blogography" sites starts ranting about how my blog is stealing their traffic. This had me starting to feel all sympathetic... until I noticed that their blog was only three months old. Jeez, buddy. Come up with something unique, and maybe you wouldn't have this problem.

    • Stalked... I'm having fun updating my Twitter and Flickr feeds throughout the day. It isn't nearly as time consuming as I had expected, because I am usually sending stuff at times where I have nothing better to do anyway... like sitting at a stoplight or talking on the phone or whatever. Anybody who wants to follow along with my daily insanity can do so on my DaveStalker™ Page. Later in the week I've got some traveling going on, so it should prove interesting to see how the updates go then.

    • iPhone... Still totally in love with my iPhone after all these weeks. I use it constantly, and am amazed that I am still finding things I didn't know (Image Capture, which comes with MacOS X, will offload iPhone images!) and things I didn't think I could do (you can use iPhone functions, like notepad, while talking to somebody over speakerphone!). It's just ridiculously cool. And yet... I still have two things that bother me: the crappy camera (unless lighting is absolutely perfect, your images will look awful because there's no way to adjust exposure that I can find) and lack of GPS (how much sweeter would Google Maps be if it knew where you were?). Hopefully Apple will be addressing these points in future-models.

    • Buttons... Tim informed me Friday that the replacement part for our button machine arrived, so anybody with buttons on back-order with the Artficial Duck Store should have them by the end of the week! At last!

    Hmmm... Sunday Bullets are kind of boring without pictures.

       

    Evacuated

    Posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007

    Dave!The scary news out of Southern California is really messing with my head... inserting horrifying flashbacks into my brain from the two times I had to face a fire.

    The first was around 15 years ago while I was living in Wenatchee. Fire was charging down the mountain towards my apartment complex, and I was running around with a garden hose putting out small fires on my roof and nearby shrubs. Eventually, I was forced to evacuate by the fire department, not knowing whether or not my home would be there when I got back. Turns out it was still there (though everything around it was burned up). I woke up in the middle of the night smelling smoke for years after.

    The last time was just three years ago. Since I was blogging then, the experience was documented...

    Olalla Fire

    Though I once again escaped unscathed, it only added to my fire trauma. To this day, I still wake up smelling smoke and thinking that I'm in the middle of a fire every once in a while.

    So when I see what Southern Californians are going through, I can totally sympathize. Been there. Done that. Twice.

    Hmmm... guess I'll have to save that entry on spoons I was writing for another time... because right now I am desperately hoping I can get some sleep. Even if I have to self-medicate to get it.

    Hopefully my dreams will be smoke-free.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Reality

    Posted on Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
    I am not a big fan of reality television. I watch Survivor because, as an original, I still find it to be entertaining... but all of the lame reality shows that followed have done nothing but clog up the television schedule and take time away from actual TV shows. About the only thing that changes my mind are part-reality shows like Project Runway and Top Chef where there's some talent involved. I keep hoping that reality TV will lose popularity and fade away, but it doesn't seem to be happening.

    And just when I think it can't get any worse than crap like Flavor of Love and Temptation Island, along comes Kid Nation...

    Kid Nation

    From the non-stop commercials that CBS has been subjecting me to, I can see that this obviously-staged "reality" show features a load of "unsupervised" kids going crazy in a Lord of the Flies type society of their own making (yeah, right). Well whatever. If I wanted to watch kids screaming and being idiots, I'd go to the mall. THIS is what passes for entertainment now-a-days?

    Which brings us to...

    The top five things I would rather do than watch an episode of Kid Nation.

    1. Eat a tub of lard.
    2. Have sex with Ann Coulter.
    3. Run down the street in diapers while making "whoop whoop" noises and painting duckies on mailboxes (which, come to think of it, would probably be less crazy than having sex with Ann Coulter).
    4. Stick my penis in a Cuisinart (which, come to think of it, would probably cause less damage than sticking it in Ann Coulter's toxic vagina).
    5. Blow my brains out with a shotgun (which, come to think of it, would probably be better for my health than having sex with Ann Coulter).

    Thank heavens that Pushing Daisies has been given a full-season order instead of being canceled for a new reality show called "Bitches Do Stupid Shit For Money" or whatever (wasn't that the original title for The Bachelor?). At least I know that there will be something worth watching later this season.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Wrong!

    Posted on Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

    Dave!Why am I such a magnet for wrong numbers? I get them all the time on both my mobile and home phones. This morning I'm interrupted eating breakfast at 6:20am by a ringing phone. I rush into the living room so I can answer it, and am immediately greeted with a stream of unintelligible Spanish the minute I say hello. "YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER," I yell, but that only gets me more high-volume rapid-fire Spanish I can't understand. Totally irate now, I scream "Wrong number! Número equivocado! Número equivocado! NÚMERO EQUIVOCADOOOOOOO!!!" and slam down the phone.

    I fully believe that if you get a wrong number from somebody, you should have the option of punching a code into your phone and it will charge the stupid fucker $25 for the interruption. Sometimes, if the person is nice and apologetic, it doesn't bother me too much. But most of the time wrong numbers just piss me off because the callers are idiots and I wants to get paid.

    Being able to shoot a gun through the phone at wrong-number-dialing ass-clowns would be okay too...

    Wrongnumber1

    Wrongnumber2

    Wrongnumber3

    Blargh.

    And now I have to pack my suitcase... well, two suitcases, actually... for my trip tomorrow.

    Hopefully packing will tire me out and I'll be exhausted enough to finally get some sleep.

    At which point I'm sure I'll be woken up by some moron who can't dial a phone number correctly.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Dunes

    Posted on Thursday, October 25th, 2007

    Dave!A couple of weeks ago, a sad realization hit me like a bitch-slap across the face... I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain a happy outlook on life. At first I couldn't figure it out. I seemed to be miserable for no good reason. But after taking a little "me-time," I finally decided that my life was badly out of balance...

    What my life used to be about: Looking forward to the things I want to do.

    What my life seems to be about now: Dreading the things I have to do.

    Since then, I've been trying to put my life back in balance by forcing myself to make time for stuff I want to do. This, naturally, is much easier than it sounds, but it has the benefit of being cheaper than therapy.

    The trick is trying to figure out what I want to do.

    Unfortunately, it turns out that what I really want to do is drive one of those NASA moon buggies across the dunes of Mars in the first manned mission to the red planet.

    Which means I'm pretty much screwed, because the odds of me going to Mars are fairly slim.

    But I'm trying my best to compensate for it by doing other little things I think I might enjoy.

    Tonight I bought myself a hot-fudge sundae for dessert, for example.

    It's no trip to Mars, but it sure was tasty.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Travler

    Posted on Friday, October 26th, 2007

    Dave!I am frickin' tired.

    So frickin' tired that I couldn't even muster the energy to drive to the local Apple Store so I could score a copy of the latest and greatest Macintosh operating system that was released today: Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard. And for a total Mac whore like me to pass on a huge event like this, you know that I have to be close to dead.

    Part of me blames the fact that I'm getting older. But most of me blames the shitty state of air travel today.

    For the most part, air travel has been ruined by four things... 1) the airlines themselves with their never-ending delays, over-bookings, decreasing legroom, etc., 2) crazy-stupid security measures that don't actually make us any safer, 3) fellow travelers who are dumbasses, and 4) these same dumbasses talking too loudly in their mobile phones (I haven't had a trip in years where I haven't wanted to kill at least one idiot who was annoying the shit out of everybody while talking on their mobile phone at full volume).

    It's gotten so bad that I'm a total wreck when I arrive at my destination. I'm so full of all-consuming rage that I can barely function. By the time I started work today I was in no real condition to do any actual work, which just made me all the more insanely angry. Let's see if unloading in my blog will help. That's what a blog is for, isn't it?

    • To the moron in the security line SHRIEKING into his fucking mobile phone at Pangborn Field... Shut up. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
    • To Alaska Airlines... I applaud your investment in upgrading your check-in counters at Seattle Tacoma International Airport into an "airport of the future." I think it's truly wonderful that you are working to reduce wait times and process your customers through check-in as quickly and efficiently as possible. Bravo. However... what good is a 5-minute check-in if you're just going to have to wait in line at SeaTac security for 40 minutes? Any plans to kick the Port of Seattle in the ass to get them to open up more lines at the security checkpoints? Now THAT would be an "airport of the future."
    • To the gentleman using the urinal next to me in the South Satellite... After a point, it's just playing with yourself.
    • To the old hag in the waiting area SCREECHING on her fucking mobile phone at SeaTac... Shut up. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
    • To the crazy bitch cackling in the gift shop. I understand that you have found something to be funny, but your deranged, high-pitched cackle-laugh busting my eardrums every two minutes is going to get you strangled to death one day. Calm down or take some fucking meds to control your deranged squealing or you will be killed for it sometime in the near future.
    • To the clutzy bastard sitting behind me on the plane who spilled a bottle of whiskey all over the back of my seat... Thanks a lot dumbass, the plane smelled like the floor of a frat house for the entire trip.
    • To Memphis International Airport... Can't get the jetway to work AGAIN? Seriously, what the fuck? What the bloody fuck? This same damn thing happened the last time I flew into Memphis! Either fix your busted-ass jetways or train your people how to operate them properly.
    • To the stupid bitch YELLING into her fucking mobile phone at Memphis International baggage claim... Shut up. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Nobody gives a flying fig about your crap, so take your stupid shit outside where we don't have to listen to it.

    Hmmm... I don't think I feel better at all. In fact, I think I'm even more mad than I was when I started this entry.

    I need to do something fun this weekend so I can forget about all this drama.

    Fortunately, I think I might just have the solution...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Leopard

    Posted on Saturday, October 27th, 2007

    Dave!MacOS X 10.5 Leopard is mine at last.

    It's been a while since I had looked at the Leopard Developer Build, but the finished product seems pretty much the same to me. After working with it for a few hours, I can say that I am pretty happy with the upgrade. There are several new features and cool tools that make the $199 I spent for the "5 User Family Pack" worth the money (it's $129 if you are upgrading a single machine). Most of my problems with Leopard are aesthetic in nature (the new folder icons are heinous and indistinguishable, the new Dock is a mess, and the new translucent menu bar is confusing, to name a few)... this is probably a good thing, because they will be the easiest to fix (just waiting for a new version of CandyBar!).

    So way to go Apple! After how badly Microsoft wrecked Windows with Vista, it's nice to see that Mac users aren't going to be suffering the same fate. I'm loving Leopard...

    Daveleopard

    And now it's time to put the computer away and go play...

    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  4 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Avitableween

    Posted on Sunday, October 28th, 2007

    Dave!Now THAT was a party!

    When I first received Avitable's invitation to his annual Halloween party, I knew I wanted to go... I just didn't know how I was going to work it into my schedule. But where there's a will, there's a way, and I managed to get everything moved around so I could fly down to Orlando for a single day(!) and attend.

    Boy was it worth it. Dozens of people showed up, and Adam went all-out... transforming his entire home into a zombie-infested house of horrors. What was remarkable is the sheer amount of detail that went into the planning of it. So many little touches that made the entire experience perfect...

    Avitableween

    I'm giving all my photos to Avitable so he can post them (it's his party, after all), but thought I'd share some images of your's truly from the event. The costume I made was of "Holovirus-Insane Rimmer" from the brilliant British series Red Dwarf. It's one of my favorite shows ever, and this character was featured in one of my favorite episodes ever. And, as if that wasn't enough, it's got Mr. Flibble, the psychotically evil penguin hand-puppet in it...

    Dave and Mr. Flibble

    The idea was that the geekier people at the party would recognize my character and get a laugh out of it... but even people who had no idea what Red Dwarf was would find it funny as well (but for an entirely different reason). Here's me and Avitable...

    Avitable and Dave

    And me and Marilyn Monroe Miss Britt...

    Dave and Ms. Britt

    And me with an anatomically scary Mr. Fab (Mr. Flibble was hypnotized by his piece!)...

    Dave and Mr. Fab!

    A big thanks to Avitable for the invite and for throwing such a fantastic Halloween bash!

    Avitable's Halloween Bash!

    And now I really should take a nap before I have to go to the airport in four hours. Later today there's a blogger meet in Seattle.

    Hmmmm... looks like I'll be blog-partying from coast to coast today.

       

    Daveattle

    Posted on Monday, October 29th, 2007

    Dave!It seems strange that I've attended several blogger meets around the country but have somehow managed to overlook the major metropolitan city right here in my back yard... SEATTLE!

    Well, last night that was finally rectified as the very first Daveattle Blogger Meet-Up was held. Unfortunately, it was kind of last-minute and had to happen on a Sunday, but people were kind enough to show up anyway...

    Daveattle Lanyard

    It was a great group of bloggers and a fun meet...

    Dinner was most excellent at Capitol Hill's Elysian Brewing Company...

    Daveattle Crowd
    Sizzle, Me, Rick, Kristin, Rick's wife Julie, Tracy, and Tracy's friend Holly

    Thanks again to everybody who took time out of their weekend to hang-out with me, and I hope we can do it again next summer!

    Meanwhile, on the television front...

    This was my last episode of Chuck. How in the hell could such a brilliant concept be so utterly and totally ruined so quickly? I am so f#@%ing tired of Chuck being such a whiny little bitch ALL THE TIME. He has two modes... 1) scared and 2) nervous... and I am sick to death of them both. When a series called "Chuck" would be a better show without Chuck, what's the point?

    Back to work...

       

    Effort

    Posted on Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

    Dave!It says a lot when I'm in a great city like Seattle, but am so tired after work that I can't manage to muster up the energy to do anything more than climb into bed after dinner. In fact, it was a monumental effort just to turn on my MacBook so I could blog this entry. Heaven only knows where I'll find the strength to turn on the television so I can watch Reaper tonight.

    On the up-side, I'm depending on my exhaustion to provide me a decent night's sleep...

    Goodnight.

    I hope.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Masked

    Posted on Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

    Dave!Ooh, look! SJ from Pseudotherapy came up with a new Hallowmeme... Behind The Mask: Who's That Blogger?

    The Official Rules: "This is, appropriately, a meme of many faces. The basic idea is to present info on other bloggers and see how many of your readers can guess who’s who. What info and how you present it is entirely up to you! Choose your victims (famous or obscure, as you wish), decide on a concept and get busy!"

    As a visual-type person, I decided to snap a small square from everybody in my "Bloggers I've Met" list (found either in my Home Page Sidebar or my Blogroll Page) and see how many of them people could guess...

    Behind The Mask

    I think I could probably guess most of them... but there's three or four that might give me some trouble.

    Happy Halloween everybody!

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Redrum

    Posted on Thursday, November 1st, 2007

    Dave!This morning I was walking to my car so I could drive to work when I saw something laying in the flower bed. Stopping to investigate, I realized that it was a knife(!).

    From watching hundreds of episodes of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, my mind immediately started thinking that this must be evidence in a murder, and needed to be preserved before somebody came along and destroyed any fingerprints or traces of blood...

    Monkey Knife

    Running back to the kitchen, I grabbed some plastic bags. Two smaller bags I wore on my hands so I could put the knife in a larger bag without contaminating it with my own fingerprints. Gil Grissom would be so proud.

    Except when I picked it up, I realized the knife was made of rubber, and only then did it occur to me that it was probably just part of somebody's Halloween costume. Robbed of my big murder mystery, I threw the "knife" in the trash bin and just stood there with a plastic bags on my hands, staring into space.

    So much for a morning filled with excitement and danger...

    Monkey Knife

    Anyway... I have the answer to yesterday's Hallowmeme Challenge in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Ouch

    Posted on Friday, November 2nd, 2007

    Dave!WAAAAAAAAHHH!

    Well, I've done gone and sliced my right-hand index finger reeeeeeal good. Twice. The cuts are pretty deep, and band-aids weren't helping much. I finally used super-glue and strips of gauze to close the cuts, then bandaged everything up with hopes that I wouldn't bleed to death.

    So far, so good.

    Except my finger hurts a lot. Which makes typing in my blog kind of clutzy and painful.

    But drawing isn't so bad, because I can use my middle-finger to mouse-click*...

    Dave Cut

    I am such a weenie when it comes to bleeding.

    And pain.

    Which is why I'm going to take a couple of Excedrin PM now so I can forget my pain and get some sleep. If you don't hear from me ever again, it's because the super-glue dissolved and I bled to death in my sleep. Oh well. I suppose there are worse ways to go.

       

       

    *Even more importantly, I can also still use my middle-finger to flip people off.

       

    Leopardity

    Posted on Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

    Dave!This is my obligatory entry dedicated to Apple's latest release of MacOS X version 10.5, code-name "Leopard." As a Certified Mac Whore, it's unavoidable.

    Yet, I realize that most everybody reading this probably doesn't care about my Macintosh obsession, so I am also publishing pictures of a freaky-ass fountain that was built on Piazza Navona in Rome. It's the Fontana di Nettuno (Fountain of Neptune) and no matter how many times I see it, I still freak out...

    NeptuneFountain0.jpg

    The sculpture features a bad-ass god of the seas (Neptune) battling an octopus while naked sea-nymph babes ignore him. That much I get. Well, not entirely, because it doesn't make much sense that the god of the seas would go around stabbing octopuses for no apparent reason, but whatever. This part of the statue is relatively sane. What bothers me is everything else. Starting with the freaky little kid playing with a crab on the head of some kind of water demon...

    NeptuneFountain2.jpg

    Well, at least he was playing with the crab before his arm got broken off. But still, WTF? That's some pretty freaky shit right there. Almost as freaky as the kid who's trying to rip the tongue out of a horse that's leaping out of the water...

    NeptuneFountain3.jpg

    What the horse is doing in the water I have no idea. And from the look on his face, neither does he.

    Usually I would attempt to make some kind of story out of all the bizarre stuff that's going on, but I've given up here. Apparently Neptune throws some crazy-ass parties.

    And now it's Leopard time. In an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Bullet Sunday 54

    Posted on Sunday, November 4th, 2007

    Dave!Las week I had to skip Bullet Sunday so I could attend Avitable's Halloween Bash, but I'm back and fully-loaded this week.

    • Sewn! For those who asked, YES I made my own Halloween costume for Avitable's party, and I have pictures to prove it! When I was 13, my grandmother taught me how to use her sewing machine, and so I borrowed it from her to make my "Holo-Virus Rimmer" garb. Despite not having touched a sewing machine in over 20 years, I was able to pick it up again fairly quickly. I started with a McCall's pattern for a Wizard of Oz Dorothy dress, then modified it so it would fit by using an old shirt I had laying around as a sizing guide...

    Dave Costume!

    The main part of the dress was pretty easy to make, since it was just a big tube sewn to a kind of "vest"...

    Dave Costume!

    The tough part was making the sleeves, because they had to be big and puffy. The pattern's instructions were all crappy and vague about how to do this, so I used hundreds of straight pins to tack it all together. After that, I just ran the sewing machine around them and hoped for the best. This worked surprisingly well...

    Dave Costume!

    But the hardest part of the costume by far was the bonnet. Again, I used hundreds of pins to create the gathers and hold the elastic in place so I could just sew over the whole thing. To create the pigtails, I butchered a "Rapunzel" wig and braided it over some wire when I got to my hotel room in Orlando (can you imagine trying to get that through airport security?)...

    Dave Costume!

    All that was left was to put on some combat boots I bought when I was in Seattle and wear Mr. Flibble on my hand (if you want a Mr. Flibble of your own, you can get them on sale at WHO North America)...

    Dave and Mr. Flibble

    • Wonder! Question of the day... If the WonderWorks attraction ever goes out of business in Orlando, what do they do with the building?

    WonderWorks
    WonderWorks

    As I was walking past WonderWorks on my way to lunch at Johnny Rockets last Saturday, it occurred to me that it's not like they could take a giant up-side-down building and turn it into an Applebees or something. Might make a good giant upside-down McDonalds though. I've driven past WonderWorks many times, but have never gone inside... preferring to spend my time at DisneyWorld and Universal Studios instead.

    • Strike! Uhhhh.... yeah, I totally support the writers on this one. If Hollywood big media is making money off of material being distributed on the internet, then writers of that material deserve to get a cut. The argument that no money is being made with digital distribution is absurd but, even if it were true, a percentage of nothing is nothing, so what's the problem? I remain hopeful that an agreement will be reached quickly on this (and other issues), because I needs me my TV. If the strike drags on and we end up with nothing but crappy reality shows, I'll go homicidal.

    • Birthday! Hey! Today is Hilly's birthday! Drop by her blog and wish her a good one!

    Snackie Birthday

    • Cut! My sliced finger is feeling much better, so thanks to everybody who was asking about it. I cleaned the wounds pretty good with hydrogen peroxide, so no infection! Anybody who has to put together metal shelving should know that the turned-over edges are still totally sharp and should be avoided.

    My final bullet point is stuck in an extended entry because it's a rebuttal to a comment I got on my Macintosh Leopard ramblings from yesterday. And now that this entry is done, I'm off to work... yay!

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Queen

    Posted on Monday, November 5th, 2007

    Dave!Why do some people insist on taking every little situation and blowing it up to massive proportions just so they can create drama in their lives? Do they really crave the attention that much, or are they just so clueless that they actually think people appreciate their stupid crap?

    Drama Queen

    Drama Queen

    Drama Queen

    Drama blows.

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Productivity

    Posted on Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

    Dave!Most unproductive day ever.

    Seriously. That time I had killer diarrhea and spent two days on the toilet was more productive. Even when I had kidney stones and was so doped up on pain-killers that I was hallucinating, I managed to get more work done. I'd go so far as to say that I managed to get more projects completed during a drunken weekend in Vegas where I spent 48 hours in bed with whores (a hooker's ass makes the perfect laptop stand when your hotel room doesn't have a desk*). I think the only way I could have got less work done today would be if I was in a coma.

    I absolutely loathe unproductive days because all the work that didn't get done still has to happen sometime.

    In this case, it'll probably be my weekend.

       

    * Hookers make you pay extra for that, however.**

    ** And be aware that modern laptops generate a lot of heat, so it's best to use protection.***

    *** Fortunately, there's a bible in most hotel night-stands which makes a terrific heat barrier and can guard against a burnt ass. Because, let's face it, nobody wants to take their hooker to the ER with scorched buttocks.****

    **** Though a bible cannot protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, so you'll still need condoms.*****

    ***** Oh the irony...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Mist

    Posted on Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

    Dave!A last-minute trip to Seattle was complicated by a heavy mist all the way over the mountains. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, I was driving in frickin' dark thanks to the insanity of Daylight Saving Time (it's pitch-black at 5:30 now!).

    Anyway... now that I'm here at last, I'm exhausted from driving and am going to skip blogging so I can (hopefully) get a little sleep tonight.

    But before I go, a few eerie snapshots taken on the trip over...

    The Mist

    The Mist

    The Mist

    Somehow, the crappy quality of the images only serves to make them look even better... like shots from The X-Files or something. Thanks iPhone!

    Hmmm... wouldn't this make a cool Stephen King movie?

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Deer

    Posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2007

    Dave!In the dead of night (which now comes at 6:10pm in the evening) as I was driving home along the winding roads of Highway 2, I came across a deer standing in the middle of the road. I was able to easily slow down and drive around her, but was really worried about cars behind me. So I stopped and turned on my emergency blinkers with the intent of warning people away until the deer was finished crossing the road.

    Except she didn't.

    She turned around and came walking towards me.

    For anybody not familiar with deer, this is unprecedented. These are timid creatures which scare easily.

    Not knowing what to think, I came to the conclusion that the poor thing was confused, injured, or both. Usually, I would have honked my horn in an attempt to get the deer to run away, but figured that scaring her was not the best move if she was hurt. Instead I started backing up slowly along the shoulder of the road with my emergency lights still flashing, so I could get a better look. The deer just stood there, apparently uninjured.

    At least she did, until a car coming the opposite direction managed to (finally) scare her away. Off she went, probably down to the river to get a drink.

    I would have joined her, but following around a deer during hunting season is probably not good for your health.

    Davehunting

    So glad to be home again.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Secret

    Posted on Friday, November 9th, 2007

    Dave!For a while there, most everybody I know was obsessed with The Secret. Apparently Oprah had endorsed the program, so it must be true.

    This book basically tells you that you can have whatever you want if you believe with all certainty that it's already yours. Such thinking opens you up to the miraculous "Law of Attraction" which allows you to control the universe. Since that's my ultimate goal in life, I decided to set aside my feelings (namely, that The Secret is full of crap) and give it a try.

    But what would I test it on?

    I found an advertisement for a beautiful new residence tower being built in downtown Chicago called 50 East Chestnut. I decided that I would use The Secret to get myself a new home in the building. I ripped out the ad and posted it on my nightstand where I could see it every night as I went to sleep and every morning when I woke up...

    Dave Secret

    Twice a day, morning and night, I would picture myself at 50 East Chestnut looking out over Chicago from my residence on the 24th floor. I totally owned it, and believed that the Law of Attraction would make it mine...

    Dave Residence

    So here I am, exactly one month later, and I don't have a home at 50 East Chestnut on the 24th floor.

    Oprah, that lying bitch.

    Not that I'm surprised. If The Secret actually worked, then everybody would be living in mansions, driving Porsche convertibles, and rolling around naked in big piles of money with supermodels.

    Maybe I was reaching too high? Perhaps if I used The Secret to attract a box of chocolate pudding I'd have better luck?

    Chocolate pudding rules.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Mean

    Posted on Saturday, November 10th, 2007

    Dave!

       

    Mean People Suck

       

       

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 55

    Posted on Sunday, November 11th, 2007

    Dave!Freezing my ass off in Central Washington on this cold and dreary Bullet Sunday. I guess it's time to pull the blankets out of storage.

    • Mean. For anybody who cares, yesterday's entry about mean people sucking was not because somebody was mean to me... it was because I saw some total douchebag be mean to somebody else. I didn't even know the person, but watching them visibly deflate because of such unwarranted cruelty was too much to take.

    • Mac. Speaking of mean... Apple's new-found success is causing them to be a little mean and more than a little cocky. First of all, Leopard's icon for any PC's on your network is a piece-of-junk CRT monitor showing the "Windows Blue Screen of Death". It's built right into the operating system...

    Generic PC

    And now, the latest batch of Get-A-Mac ads are borderline-cruel in making fun of all the people (like me) who have dumped Windows Vista and downgraded back to Windows XP because it sucks less...

    Get A Mac!

    Ordinarily I would find these things funny (because the truth always is), but I can't help but think that this new attitude is going to come back and bite Apple in the ass. When they were an underdog, it was semi-forgivable. But now that Leopard is a run-away hit, Mac sales are growing more every day, the iPod has taken the world by storm, and the iPhone is kicking ass... well, the only thing people like more than an underdog coming out on top is watching them fall. Somebody should remind Apple about this before things go too far.

    • Blu-Ray. I have finally chosen sides in the Hi-Def DVD war and, for me, it's Blu-Ray over HD-DVD. It all came down to one thing: Ratatouille is only available on Blu-Ray. This animated masterpiece by über-director Brad Bird (of The Iron Giant and The Incredibles fame) simply begs to be seen in hi-def. I can't imagine buying such a sublimely beautiful film in "regular" DVD, so it was finally time to bite the bullet...

    Ratatouille

    Ratatouille

    • South Park. Once again, South Park is riding on the edge of pop culture by spoofing on Guitar Hero. Just when I think that the show can't possibly continue to be relevant after 11 years, they find some way to prove me wrong. Frickin' hilarious...

    South Park Guitar Hero

    • Cinema. Is it just me, or are there no really good movies in the pipeline? Now that I think about it, the only really good movie I saw in recent memory was Ratatouille back in June. Transformers (the last movie I saw) wasn't too bad, but that was back in July. And now what have we got? Love in the Time of Cholera? Really? Give me a break. I liked The Golden Compass as a series of books, so maybe it won't suck too bad when it's released on December 7th. And then the 21st of December sees the release of a National Treasure sequel and Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd... both of which might be worth a look, but I hardly think my socks will be blown off. Here's hoping the mysterious "Cloverfield" project will live up to the hype come January 18th, because Batman: The Dark Knight won't hit until next summer.

    Anyway... adding my thanks to those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces this Veteran's Day.

       

    Fire

    Posted on Monday, November 12th, 2007

    Dave!I am not a candle person.

    Which would put me firmly into the minority of the candle-loving masses who buy candles by the hundreds. Except I was given a nice candle recently (smells like pear!), so I thought I might as well spark it up so I have something good to smell while I work. Problem is, I couldn't find any way to light it.

    My old lighter was empty. There's not a match to be found anywhere. I couldn't even get the flint in my car emergency kit to work. How sad is it that a grown man can't make fire? Just when I was about to pack it in and go live in a cave, I thought to go looking through my massive souvenir collection to see if I might have saved a matchbook from somewhere. Fortunately, I did have one that I snagged from a restaurant in Korea, so my quest for fire was at an end...

    Dave Fire

    And there was fire, and the fire smelled good.

    But something else sure stinks...

    What is with all these stupid-ass commercials for the film Love in the Time of Cholera? If I were to write down all the movies that I would most NOT like to see, I'm pretty sure it would top my list right now. Don't get me wrong, if you like to watch weepy period romance dramas, more power to you, but I'd rather be kicked in the balls by Morten Andersen that sit through this crap. And the commercials are only making things worse.

    I mean, Love in the Time of Cholera? Seriously?

    Mmmmmm... I smell pears!

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Olive

    Posted on Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

    Dave!

    Olive You

       

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Responsibility

    Posted on Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

    Dave!We're all doomed.

    Forget about the meek inheriting the earth... it's the stupid people who are the real inheritors, and they're suing their way to dominance. Every time I turn around, I'm reading how some dumbass has done something fantastically moronic and then sued somebody to profit from their stupidity. It makes me very sad for future generations, and has me questioning whether the human race deserves to survive.

    And it all started with my inbox.

    This morning I got an email from somebody who decided to "warn" be about my recent Twitter addiction. If the email had stopped there, it would have been kind of nice, albeit misguided. But it did not stop. By the end of the email, I was taken to task for not warning people that Twitter isn't free as advertised. It would seem that this person signed up for the service, then racked up a massive mobile phone bill because they updated their Twitter using SMS messaging. "TWITTER LIES! IT ISN'T FREE, THEY CHARGE YOU FOR UPDATING!!"

    To which I responded "No, Twitter didn't charge you anything. That was your mobile phone company... didn't you read your contract when you got your phone? Don't blame Twitter because you didn't understand how much it costs to send an SMS on your network!"

    This seemed almost TOO obvious, so I thought I'd do a Google search to see if anybody else was complaining about it.

    And, of course, there were.

    But my favorite comment on the situation actually came from Phil Wainewright at ZDNet who says: "Even though Twitter isn't responsible for those costs and makes no money from them, there's still a moral duty to make sure users are fully aware of the charges they could incur." (emphasis mine)

    To which I can only say "you've got to be fucking kidding me."

    A "moral duty" to hold the hand of people too stupid to know how much it costs to send SMS messages on their own phones? When I got my first phone, the SMS rates were printed right on the rate plan I signed up for. When I switched to iPhone, I was specifically asked if I wanted to upgrade my included 200 free SMS messages to an unlimited SMS plan. Everywhere I look, the messaging charges are clearly posted by the mobile phone companies. Are people choosing to ignore this information, or do they honestly think that Twitter has the ability to magically make all their messaging be free? I sometimes update Twitter over the internet, does that mean that my DSL internet charges are going to become magically free too? Sheesh. Accept that you made a mistake; pay your bill; chalk it up to a lesson learned (hopefully); and move on.

    I am sick to death of the constant ass-covering that people and companies have to do to protect themselves from the profoundly stupid. Failing to do so only opens them up to insane lawsuits and unwarranted criticism.

    Am I the only one who thinks that the first "moral duty" should be that people have to take responsibility for their own actions?

    I sure hope not.

    Categories: iPhone + iPadClick To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Random?

    Posted on Thursday, November 15th, 2007

    Dave!What a horrible day.

    It's at times like this that I wish I had a secret anonymous blog so I could write about the utterly bizarre crap that I've been through. Though much of what happened is so messed-up that even I have trouble believing it's true... and I lived it. The up-side is that I'm utterly convinced that there is a Supreme Being in the universe now, because somebody has to be messing with me. There's no other possible explanation...

    Dave Puppet

    Because if life is truly this random, I want out.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Clumsy

    Posted on Friday, November 16th, 2007

    Dave!Two weeks ago, I sliced open my finger while putting together some steel shelving. Today I jabbed an X-ACTO knife into my thumb... hard. Surprisingly, there wasn't much blood, but it still hurt a lot. Fate must really have it in for my fingers. And thumbs.

    Or maybe I'm just really clumsy.

    Though I'm sure there's a much more logical explanation than that...

    Dave Puppet Master

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Restaurant!

    Posted on Saturday, November 17th, 2007

    Dave!There's many disadvantages to living in a small town, but one of the biggest would have to be the lack of variety in restaurants. In the entire valley, there are only three restaurants that I eat at with any regularity... the rest either don't interest me, or have disappointed me badly enough that I don't want to go back.

    Tonight the last thing I wanted to do was go shopping for groceries or pull something out of the freezer for dinner. I wanted to hop in the car and go out to eat. Problem is there was nothing that I felt was worth going out for, so I ended up eating frozen pizza. Again. And it sucked. Again.

    It got me to thinking about the restaurant chains out there that I would love to have set-up shop locally...

    • BURGERS: Johnny Rockets. Oh how I love their "Streamliner" veggie burger with no grilled onions, no mustard, and add American cheese. I would eat there at least once a week... probably more... if there was a local franchise. Wenatchee has a Red Robin which I like, and a local drive-thru called "EZ Burger" that's great, but nothing compares to Johnny Rockets.
    • SANDWICHES: Panera Bread. Their Mediterranean Sandwich is heaven on earth, and I don't get to eat them nearly often enough. We have a Subways which I loathe because of their spokes-whore Jared, and a Quizno's which I am boycotting after they killed the veggie sandwich. I need me a Panera Bread!
    • MEXICAN: Qdoba. Their signature burritos are awesome and, though we have many decent Mexican restaurants around, I'd trade them all for a Qdoba just so I can get their veggie burrito.
    • PIZZA: David's Pizza. They make the best pizza on earth, and what I wouldn't give to be able to have a slice of "DaVinci" without having to drive over 3 hours to Spokane to get it. I'm counting this as a franchise because they opened up a second location at the city's Geiger Field Airport.
    • ITALIAN: Il Fornaio. I actually would have chosen Cucina! Cucina!, but the entire chain has been gutted until there's only one restaurant left in Issaqah, so I guess it's not a chain anymore. Il Fornaio probably wouldn't be able to survive in my area, but their Cappellacci di Zucca is freakin' amazing, so I'd have to choose them anyway. We do have one local Italian restaurant which is decent (and one that sucks total ass) but nothing really inspiring.
    • INDIAN: Maharaja. Actually, I'd settle for ANY Indian food but, alas, there isn't a single Indian restaurant in the entire valley. On top of that, I don't know of any Indian restaurant chains to pick from. The closest I can think of is a series of Maharaja Indian Cuisine restaurants in Seattle, so I guess that's my choice. They make an Eggplant Bharta that is orgasm-inducing good.

    Gah! Now I'm hungry, even though I just ate.

    Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 56

    Posted on Sunday, November 18th, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday after a dreary week of work, work, and more work.

    Ironic... My new Blu-Ray player was delayed, so I'm sitting here with a stack of Blu-Ray movies and nothing to watch them on. I'm jonesing for a Ratatouille and 300 fix! In other HD news, I was very happy to find out that you can have Netflix automatically send Hi-Def versions of your selections (in either Blu-Ray or HD-DVD format) simply by updating your profile. Sweet!

    Electronic... FOX is releasing posters for the new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and they're delicious...

    Terminator Babes

    Hmmm... that second poster looks a little Borg-Queen-esque from Star Trek: First Contact. The series debuts on January 13th, though I have no idea if the writer's strike will change that. More info can be found on the FOX website.

    Idiotic... I have the movie Idiocracy playing while I'm blogging. It's a Mike Judge comedy starring Luke Wilson about how in the future everybody is stupid and the country is run by idiots. We're half-way there already.

    Moronic... If people want to criticize me or my blog, I honestly have no problem with that. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and I invited this kind of scrutiny the minute I put myself on the internet. But why is it that 99% of these people sound so stupid? They don't know how to construct a proper sentence, and can't spell to save their life (despite the fact that they undoubtedly have spell-check). It's getting increasingly difficult to respond to these dumbasses because I can't even figure out what the hell they're trying to say. I'm told that this is a generational thing, and kids who grow up in the age of TXT messaging and IM have a language all their own. This may be true, but it's not that I can't decipher their TXT-speak, it's that their message is so obtuse. How can I have respect for these people when they can't express themselves in any meaningful way? Besides, I don't buy it. I know plenty of kids who are able to get their point across... even in TXT-speak. Perhaps the blogosphere just attracts idiots, I dunno. Maybe the future really is now.

    Harmonic... The Superficial has posted some shots of the sublime Elizabeth Hurley as she attended Elton John's AIDS foundation benefit...

    Goddess Hurley

    Stunning as always. More delicious photos of Liz can be found here.

    Iconic... I installed the first update for MacOS X Leopard and was dismayed that the icon preview bug hasn't been fixed. This is a major, major problem for me, as I use the icons to visually identify Adobe Illustrator files (I go to the trouble of saving PDF previews with all my files specifically for this purpose). Problem is, this is all I see in Leopard...

    Leopard Bad Icon Preview

    Yet, if I do a Spotlight search on the same files, the icon previews mysteriously appears...

    Leopard Good Icon Preview

    APPLE, PLEASE FIX THIS!! I need my icon previews back.

    Demonic... How hard does Ray Wise rock playing The Devil on Reaper? I like the show and all, but he's the reason I find myself tuning in each week...

    HellMonkey with Ray Wise

    Ultrasonic... Crossing my fingers for Tron 2, baby!

    And that wraps up the last installment of Bullet Sunday before we become hopelessly mired in the horrors of the holiday season. I so wish I could fast-forward to January.

       

    Kindle

    Posted on Monday, November 19th, 2007

    Dave!So Amazon has finally released their long-awaited electronic book reader, which they've name "Kindle." Given how often I travel, I've long been waiting for this day. The idea of being able to download books at a moment's notice is appealing to somebody whose entire life is lived "at a moment's notice." But, as a lover of books, giving up the printed word is a scary prospect. Reading a computer monitor is not nearly as comfortable as reading ink on paper, no matter what other advantages an "e-book" might have.

    Then comes "electronic paper" or "e-paper."

    This invention allows for a display which is much more like a printed page than a computer monitor. Suddenly the technology to create an e-book that reads like a real book has arrived. A few companies jump on board, like Sony, who creates a product that looks like a winner. Except it's not Mac compatible, and so I wouldn't know.

    But Kindle doesn't need a computer... PC or Mac... because it connects to the Amazon store wirelessly. That's a pretty smart move.

    Unfortunately, it's about the only smart move Amazon made. Kindle is way too expensive ($400!), it can't accept open formats like DOC files or PDFs without paying Amazon for conversion and, most important of all, IT'S BUTT-UGLY! Seriously butt-ugly...

    Kindle Reader

    In a day and age when Apple is making a killing by creating devices so beautiful that they're practically a fashion accessory, Amazon has chosen to release a product that looks like something out of 1970's. And not in a good "retro" way, but in a "holy crap does that look like shit" way. The asymmetrical lines are horrifying, making the device look like somebody sat on it. I suppose it was designed this way to facilitate better usability, but watching the demo videos doesn't give me this impression at all.

    Perhaps if Kindle was half the price, I wouldn't mind so much. But $400 for something that looks like this?

    No thanks. For that kind of bank, it had better be iPhone-like beautiful. Because I'm vain that way.

    If only Apple designed the world, we wouldn't have to be made to suffer like this.

    Categories: BooksClick To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    BILLY!

    Posted on Tuesday, November 20th, 2007

    Dave!I'M BILLY MAYS, HERE TO DRIVE YOU INSANE WITH YET ANOTHER ONE OF MY HORRENDOUSLY ANNOYING COMMERCIALS!

    NOBODY MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE THAN BILLY MAYS!! LISTEN TO ME AS I SCREAM NON-STOP WHILE REMOVING STAINS USING THE AMAZING POWER OF OXYGEN IN OXYCLEAN!! AND THAT'S NOT ALL! I'LL BE BACK IN FIFTEEN MINUTES YELLING MY HEAD OFF WHILE I SHARPEN KNIVES USING THE INCREDIBLE SAMURAI SHARK KNIFE SHARPENING SYSTEM! STILL NOT ENOUGH?? THEN TUNE IN TWENTY MINUTES AFTER THAT WHEN I'LL BE SHOUTING ABOUT ORANGE GLO WOOD CARE PRODUCTS!!

    Billy Mays
    PHOTO TAKEN FROM BILLY MAYS MAYHEM!

    YOU CAN'T AVOID ME!! I'M BILLY MAYS! I'M ON EVERY FUCKING CHANNEL EVERY FUCKING HOUR OF EVERY FUCKING DAY ADVERTISING EVERY FUCKING PRODUCT EVER MADE!! BECAUSE I'M BILLY FUCKING MAYS, DAMMIT!!!

    BILLY FUCKING MAYS, DAMMIT!!

       

    BILLY MAYS!!!

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Shopping

    Posted on Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

    Dave!As I have no doubt mentioned many times before, I loathe shopping and avoid it like the plague. If I need something, I'll visit a physical store only as a last resort, preferring to buy stuff on the internet whenever possible. Well, today it finally became unavoidable, and a shopping expedition into the nearby city of Wenatchee was required...

    ...on one of the worst days of the year to be doing so, the day before Thanksgiving (with the very worst day obviously being Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving).

    Anyway, here's my shopping for the day...

    Folding Door Runner: My closet door broked, so I had to buy a replacement piece at Home Depot. Just like every other time I've been here, trying to find anything in this massive store is nigh impossible when you can't get somebody to help you. After 15 minutes of getting nowhere, I finally turn to leave in disgust when some guy on his lunch break is walking through and tells me where to go. It was the wrong aisle, but eventually I DO find my runner. I'm off to a terrible start.

    Pizza: I had a coupon for Papa Murphy's, so I dropped by to get a Cheese Pizza for dinner on Friday.

    String Cheese: I went to Costco specifically to find these incredible Multigrain Tortilla Chips from FoodShouldTasteGood...

    Multigrain Chips!

    When I couldn't find the chips, I was determined not to leave empty-handed and ended up getting a 60-pack of string cheese. As much as I love string cheese, this will probably last me into February.

    Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints: I may not celebrate Christmas, but I'm not about to pass up on delicious holiday treats because of it! Food Pavilion always has a nifty selection of seasonal sweets, so I dropped by and found new Crunchy Junior Mints. They aren't as crunchy as the packaging would have you believe (they need bigger pieces of candy on the top for that), but they're still killer good...

    Crunchy Junior Mints

    Black Bean Chipotle Gardenburgers: My favorite frozen veggie burger is the Black Bean Chipotle patties from Gardenburger. I love them. LOVE THEM!! Then two months ago I couldn't find them anymore. And I looked everywhere. I stopped at every grocery store I could find in every city I went to. Ultimately, I figured that they must have been discontinued (even though they're still listed on the Gardenburger site). On a whim, I decided to look at Food Pavilion after I got my crunchy mints. I nearly broke down in tears when I looked into the freezer case and saw them there staring back at me. I bought all ten boxes they had...

    Black Bean Chipotle Gardenburger

    Please, please, please tell me that these are not the last Black Bean Chipotle Gardenburgers on earth. My heart cannot take losing Coke with Lime AND my beloved burgers too. The bad news is that my freezer is now totally full. Beyond full. If I find anymore Black Bean Chipotle Gardenburgers, I won't be able to buy them until I eat some of the ones I already have. Or throw out the chocolate ice cream. What a dilemma that would be.

    And that was all the shopping I could stand for the day. For the month, really.

    Of course, there's only one thing worse than shopping during the holidays, and that would be traveling during the holidays. Knowing that I have not one, but two trips coming up makes me want to scream... then cry... then drink until I pass out.

    Instead I'm going to write up a business proposal, sketch out some design concepts, answer my backlog of email, then go to bed.

    Right after I eat some string cheese. One down, fifty-nine to go...

    Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Thanksgiving

    Posted on Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

    Dave!

    Daveturkeyday

       

       

    Not a good day to be a turkey, obviously.

       

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blackened

    Posted on Friday, November 23rd, 2007

    Dave!This is exactly the thing I was talking about.

    Four days ago Apple sent me an invitation to a "shopping event" at their online store. When you read the fine print at the bottom, it says that the sale starts at 12:01am on November 23rd. But not really. Because I went to the store at 12:01am and all I got was a sign saying that the store was closed because it was busy being updated.

    But that turned out to be a lie too. It's now 12:45, and the store is still down...

    Apple Store Closed

    Normally, the Apple Whore Apologist in me would just assume that they were having some temporary problems updating their store and needed a little extra time to sort it out. No big deal.

    But the recent mean-spirited ads and attitude taken by Apple which make fun of Windows' many failings while claiming that Apple is perfect because everything "just works" has me thinking different.

    Now I'm thinking that Apple is being run by a bunch of douchebags, because of things exactly like this. They are not perfect... sometimes their shit does not work... and sometimes they have embarrassing moments where they show failings of their own. Like right now as I sit here waiting.

    And if a long-time Apple Whore who worships Steve Jobs, loves Macs with a passion, and buys everything Apple makes (like me) is starting to get pissed off because of their smack-talk backfiring... what must the general public think of Apple when stuff like this happens?

    Apple needs an attitude adjustment very, very quickly. Because continuing in this direction cannot end well.

    UPDATE: And finally, at 12:55am, the store is back up. But the "sales event" where Apple invites you to "save big" is pretty pathetic. Save 7% on an iMac? Save 5% on an iPod nano? Save 9% on an iPod Classic? Whoop-de-frickin'-do. In my mind "BIG savings" is 20% minimum, and even that's lame for a Black Friday event where other retailers are going crazy with massive cuts of 25% to 50% (or even higher) with their sales. Apple does offer bigger discounts on 3rd party items... but no better than the everyday discount price you'd get from places like Buy.com or Amazon (the one exception being a whopping $202 savings on a Xacti digital camcorder... why, I have no idea... a mistake, I'd guess).

    Worth the 55-minute wait? Hardly. I'm a sad Apple Whore right now.

    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blu-Ray

    Posted on Saturday, November 24th, 2007

    Dave!For better or worse, I'm an early adopter.

    I love tech gadgetry, and have always put myself on the bleeding edge of new technology... from computers, phones, and cameras, to stereos, media players, and video games. I am always seeking out the newest of the new to play with. Sometimes I get burned (MiniDisc Music Player, Apple QuickTake Camera, Panasonic Recordable DVD Player, to name a few) but overall I've been happy with my decision to be first out of the gate (and so are my friends and family, because they get the "old" equipment it replaces).

    I was one of the first people in Washington State to own a DVD player. It was one of seven Sony reference players sold in Seattle, and cost just under $2000 once I got everything I needed. Sure that's a lot of money, but when a friend and I were invited to a technology demo of DVD in early 1997, I simply could not resist. The quality was such a huge leap over VHS tape that a total movie whore like myself was compelled to purchase it. As it turns out, this was money well-spent. My Sony DVP-S7000 player has been in service for almost 11 years now, surpassing the PIECE OF SHIT Panasonic Recordable DVD Player I bought a while back which never once managed to record a single DVD, despite two trips to the repair shop (which is why I will never buy from Panasonic again). I still curse director Kevin Smith for that mistake, because it was his advertisements that led me to buy Panasonic.

    Buying into DVD was an easy decision. It was superior to anything else out there (including my LaserDisc player... also an early adopter purchase), and was clearly the future of the home theater experience. I wasn't the least bit worried about investing in the technology, because all the major manufacturers and studios endorsed it. This was probably one of the safest bets I had ever made.

    Buying into Blu-Ray was not an easy decision. Mostly because manufacturers and studios are split between endorsing Blu-Ray and a competing format, HD-DVD. Choose wrong, and it's the Betamax vs. VHS tape format war all over again... and somebody is going to lose. That time, it was Sony's Beta that lost, so jumping onto their Blu-Ray format was not a sure bet. So I waited.

    But soon it became clear that there wasn't going to be an early victory in the format war. Blu-Ray and HD-DVD were both surviving at a near-equal pace. This was going to be a long, very stupid, drawn-out battle, and if I didn't choose a side I would be waiting quite a while. So a few weeks ago I decided on Blu-Ray, because that's where Disney-Pixar was at. I wanted to buy their brilliant new film Ratatouille in Hi-Def, and you couldn't get it on HD-DVD. So I ordered a Samsung BD-P1400 player at $369 (which has subsequently dropped at many vendors to $339 because of Black Friday).

    The player itself is good, but not great. The biggest problem was that the BD-P1400 did not come with an actual hi-def cable! So right out of the box, I couldn't see the Blu-Ray movies I bought in the way they were meant to be seen. This brought up the nightmare of cable-shopping, because they are SO FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE! The cheapest HDMI cable I could find locally was $79! Fortunately, the good people at Optimized Cable Company had what I wanted at $19.95 (quick shipping...highly recommend). A few days later, and I was in business.

    PROS...
    The picture and sound are incredible. The clarity and detail in the picture has to be seen to be believed. This all came to light when I watched Terminator 2. At first, I thought the picture was just a little better. But then I played the same movie on "regular" DVD and started switching between the two. The difference was astounding. Tiny details like hair and other small elements were noticeably blurrier when I dropped out of Blu-Ray. Since I can't do a screen capture of Blu-Ray (yet), I decided to simulate what a very small Terminator looks like when extracted from a scene and blown up. It's something like this...

    Bluraycompare
    Simulated DVD Enlargement on the left, simulated Blu-Ray enlargement on the right.

    Of course, the quality of the picture is wholly dependent on the source material. My Blu-Ray movie of Superman II, The Richard Donner Cut is an older film with noticeable softness and grain. Blu-Ray actually seems to make this more noticeable, because it presents such flaws so clearly. On the other hand, for movies like Ratatouille, which was a 100% digital conversion, there are -zero- flaws, and the picture quality is jaw-dropping spectacular.

    CONS...
    For reasons that totally escape me, Blu-Ray movies takes FOREVER to start up. Unlike a DVD player where you drop in the disc and can start watching immediately, Blu-Ray has a lot of waiting. At first I thought it was my Samsung BD-1400 that was to blame, but a quick check in online forums shows that this is a common problem in all hi-def players. This is really frustrating, and difficult to comprehend. Three steps forward in quality, one step backwards in convenience. Other than excessive waits for menus and such, the only other quality problem I've noted is occasional stuttering in some movies. It's very quick, so it's not too distracting, but can be irritating. Hopefully a future firmware upgrade will help solve this. But the biggest con? Some hi-def titles are not available on Blu-Ray, the studio having chosen to go the HD-DVD route. This includes many favorites (like the remastered Star Trek: The Original Series) and is kind of a bummer. Not wanting to buy a new film on the older format when not available for Blu-Ray, I've decided to rent them on Netflix until a Blu-Ray version is (hopefully) released. I suppose I could buy a second HD-DVD player (or a new combi-player) but really don't want to divide my media like that.

    The worst part of switching from DVD to Blu-Ray is my existing library of now-antiquated DVD movies, because it's not like I am going to run out and re-buy my entire collection again. Fortunately, the BD-1400 has "upconverter" technology which makes my old DVDs look pretty darn good, so this is not much of an issue for me. I'll re-buy some of my favorites, and absolutely buy new titles in Blu-Ray... but the bulk of my collection with remain in "regular" DVD.

    In the end, I am happy to recommend Blu-Ray over DVD. I am not, however, ready to recommend Blu-Ray over HD-DVD. The quality is reported to be about the same, so it's a personal choice as to which road to take. Many people might want to wait for the "combi-players" to come out so they can play either... but if you want to go with a single HD format, the choice will have to be made as to which has more movies and studio support that you're interested in.

    Am I happy with my decision? Sure.

    Am I confident I backed the right Hi-Def format? I have no idea.

    In the meanwhile, I'll be enjoying the stunning quality and terrific sound that Blu-Ray offers. Movies at home have never looked better.

    Categories: Movies 2007Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 57

    Posted on Sunday, November 25th, 2007

    Dave!Where did this day go? Seriously, it's coming up on dinner-time and it feels like I just woke up a couple of hours ago. I know I went to work, but I didn't get nearly enough done. Must be a Bullet Sunday.

    • Pole! What is it with the latest fitness trends that keep popping up, disappearing, then popping up again? I'm seeing ads (once again) for POLE DANCING as exercise. I could make a number of smart-ass comments here, but instead I decided to buy a pole and get into shape! Off I went to Amazon to get an instructional video... and imagine my surprise when I found out there's a whole world of slutty exercise programs to choose from!

    Poledancingexcercise

    And now I can't decide if I want to learn exotic dancing, pole dancing, lap dancing, or bump n' grind strip-dancing. My gut instinct is to stick with pole dancing, but I'm thinking there's more money to be made in lap dancing. At least that's always been the case when I'm paying for it. Because, hey, there's nothing to say a guy can't earn a little cash while getting into shape.

    • South Park! Last night I finally had a chance to pull out my South Park: The Complete 10th Season DVD set and watch my second favorite episode of the series ever: Make Love, Not Warcraft (my all-time favorite being Christian Rock Hard). In addition to being hysterically funny, the episode is just so incredibly well made. I'd go so far as to say that it's practically flawless. Anybody who hasn't seen it should definitely take a look...

    Make Love, Not Warcraft

    • WOW! Included with my new South Park DVD set, there was a free 14-day trial for World of Warcraft. This is a really brilliant idea, because after having watched that South Park episode, I was in the mood to give it a try. I had played the original WarCraft games but, since I am not so much into the whole "online massive multi-player" thing, I never tried WOW. And now that I have, I know what all the fuss is about. It's pretty sweet!

    Dave WOW!
    This is me! I'm a Tauren Shamen, which I picked because he looks badass cool.

    Dave WOW!
    I use my mace to unleash my righteous fury on giant turkeys.

    Dave WOW!
    Then I figure out that I can shoot lightning, which I use to fry green pigs.

    Dave WOW!
    Oh shit! I'm dead!! I got my ass handed to me by a giant super-pig!

    Dave WOW!
    Oooh! The moon is all pretty and stuff.

    For a while there, I was having me some fun... being all kick-ass by running around and killing giant turkeys and pigs and stuff. But then people started asking me to join their group every 15 minutes, and I didn't want to play anymore. I don't want to join a group. I'm busy all the time, and can't commit to playing with a group... I just want people to leave me alone. But I couldn't find a way to hang a big "DON'T ASK ME TO BE IN YOUR GROUP" sign around my neck, so I gave up and stopped playing. Oh well. Hopefully Blizzard will release Warcraft IV soon, so I can play alone. Of course, right now I'm more interested in Starcraft II, which is the sequel to my favorite Blizzard game of all time.

    &bull Starbucks! I have written about the song I Love N.Y.E. by Badly Drawn Boy (from the amazing About A Boy movie soundtrack) a couple of times now (here and here). It's beautiful, magical, and I've always been puzzled as to why it was never nabbed for a television commercial. Well, somebody really smart in Starbucks' marketing department finally found it, and it's playing on a really cool animated ad for their calorie-laden holiday drinks (it's got penguins in it!). Beutifully done, Starbucks! If you're curious about this wonderful piece of music, you can take a listen at iTunes here.

    • Ghost Rider! After goofing off with WOW, I capped off my evening by watching my Blu-Ray copy of Nicholas Cage in Ghost Rider. It's not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a fun movie to watch and has nifty special effects. The critics, of course, savaged the movie in their reviews (it mustered only 28% on Rotten Tomatoes), which is probably justified, but kind of lame since this was such an easy target. I mean, come on, it's got a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle and Nicholas Cage in a hairpiece for crying out loud! At some point you have to just let go...

    Ghost Rider!

    Besides, any movie that's got Sam Elliott and Peter Fonda in it can't be too bad!

    And thus ends Bullet Sunday (though I've got a iTunes meme in an extended entry which was tagged me by James). Tomorrow I'm traveling cross-country, so my entry for Monday will be posted pretty late. For anybody interested, I'll be updating my journey throughout the day via DaveStalker™, so feel free to travel along with me if you've got nothing better to do.

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...

       

    Travelogue

    Posted on Monday, November 26th, 2007

    Dave!Last night I received a vicious blog comment which I immediately deleted. I woke up this morning wishing that I had published the darn thing for sheer entertainment value. Now I sit here wishing for the millionth time that the me of "right now" could talk to the me of yesterday. Not just because it would be a great way warn myself of upcoming embarrassing situations, but also because I'm a really good conversationalist. Alas, the power over space and time is not mine to be had, so I won't be enjoying the pleasure of my own conversation just yet. Though I still have a shot at schizophrenia, so fingers crossed.

    Travel during the busy holiday season is an exercise in patience at a level I simply do not possess.

    That's because people who rarely travel suddenly have an excuse to do so, and the airports are filled with an abundance of dumbasses. People who should just stay home instead of forcing their idiocy on public at large.

    My first of three flights today was really bumpy. At least two people barfed on the way to Seattle, and one of those was directly across the aisle from me. I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to resist the urge to spew, because the smell of puke filled the plane. As an added bonus, the gum-smacking whore who upchucked next to me decided to stuff her little bag of puke under the seat in front of her and didn't bother to let the flight attendant know about it. So now there's a risk that when they clean the plane, they're going to accidentally spill vomit all over the place. If only there was a way that I could magically take that barf-bag and sneak it into her suitcase. Then when she got to wherever she was going it would be all "SURPRISE BITCH! REMEMBER ME?"

    My second-leg flight to Chicago was purchased through my favorite airline, Alaska Air, but code-shared out to American Airlines. This doesn't bother me too much, except Alaska won't let me jump on one of their earlier flights because the ticket they sold me isn't for their airline (even though seats are available). Kind of makes me wonder why I bother to pay the extra money to buy tickets at AlaskaAir.com when there is clearly no benefit to doing so. Oh well. I had wanted to hop on an earlier plane to get a 4-1/2-hour layover at O'Hare so I could then take the train into the city for quick bite of pizza, but now I have to settle for a delicious Qdoba Veggie Burrito at SeaTac instead.

    While waiting for my flight I watch one of the five episodes of The Soup I have saved up on my iPhone, then move on to Mitch Hedburg's Comedy Central stand-up special. I've seen it a hundred times, but never get tired of watching it. Then I feel sad for ten minutes when it sinks in (yet again) that Mitch is gone.

    Despite the non-stop travel-party that is my life, I have no leverage at American Airlines. I can't get an upgrade or select the seat I want like I can with most of the other airlines. Fortunately, a really cool gate agent takes pity on me and manages to upgrade my middle seat at the ass-end of the plane to a bulkhead aisle seat with tons of legroom. I fall in love with her a little bit. I fantasize about taking her to Starbucks for some hot cocoa with peppermint sprinkles and then boarding the next flight to Bali where we spend a month living on the beach like bohemians and drinking too much rum.

    The flight to Chicago was interesting, to say the least. Because sitting next to me is Arrogant Bitch and her husband Crotchety Old Fart. They were so fantastically bizarre and horrifying, that I could have easily made a blog posting entirely out of the crazy-ass crap that came out of their mouths. I've put a small sampling of their ramblings in an extended entry, if you think your heart can take it (be forewarned... the old bastard cusses constantly, so if foul language offends you, do not click through!). The cool part was that across the aisle from me was Tyrone, a beautiful and well-behaved 5-1/2 year-old seeing eye doggie...

    Tyrone Doggie

    The poor thing stayed all scrunched up for the entire flight, which could not have been comfortable. But he took it like a trooper, and enjoyed a good stretch once he was finally able to move again. I remain in awe of these incredible animals who make life better for so many people.

    After my adventures with Arrogant Bitch and Crotchety Old Fart came to an end, I ate ice cream and wandered around O'Hare while waiting for my one-hour flight to Pennsylvania. Nothing much happened, except I spilled a drop of chocolate ice cream on my iPhone and spent the next 10 minutes freaking out over whether or not any of it seeped into the magic button on the front. Fun times.

    The flight out of Chicago was on an aircraft so narrow that I could very nearly hold out my arms and touch both sides of the plane. But never fear, the airline still managed to get 3 seats across that sucker! It was a fairly boring and pointless flight... at least until we landed. Here is one guy's idea of sitting down with his seat-belt completely fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop...

    UnSeated

    As I said, this is what you get during the holiday season.

    And now, after eleven hours of travel, I am relaxing in my hotel room... preparing for my work tomorrow.

    Well, not really relaxing, because this piece-of-crap "upscale" hotel is built so frickin' close to the highway that it sounds as if the traffic is driving through my room. Holy crap is it loud. In fact, after staying at hundreds of hotels around the world, I can honestly say that this is the loudest, noisiest hotel I have ever been to. And that's saying a lot. Especially since I once stayed in a Bourbon Street hotel during Mardi Gras. I'd say my odds of getting any sleep tonight are zero.

    And there you have it. The end.

    But not really, because Arrogant Bitch and Crotchety Old Fart are waiting for you in an extended entry!

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  36 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Quiet

    Posted on Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

    Dave!I am not a "light sleeper"... honest I'm not.

    There's a train crossing not far from my home, and I can sleep through blaring train whistles no problem. I regularly stay at hotels that are at an airport with jets rumbling overhead at regular intervals. I've even stayed at hotels off the highway where a decent amount of road noise was present while I got some sleep.

    But last night was something entirely different.

    I don't know whether it was the acoustics... or the building construction... or the lack of interference between my room and the highway... or whatever. All I know is that it was the noisiest, most miserable hotel visit I have ever had in 22 years of travel across the globe. From the swankiest 5-star palaces to the most disgusting 0-star hovels, NONE of them even come close to the audio assault I experienced every frickin' minute I was at this hotel.

    For some reason, this highway outside my window...

    Hotel Highway

    Caused me to finally end up sleeping here...

    Hotel Bathtub Bed

    I shit you not.

    After 4-1/2 hours of trying everything I could think of to eliminate the noise, I finally took all my bedding to the bathroom, threw it in the bathtub, turned on the fan, then squeezed into the tub. I managed to get 2 hours of very uncomfortable sleep, but it was better than nothing. Especially since I had a full day (and then some) of work to face today.

    Now I have to ask... what kind of f#@%ed-up hotel has rooms that are so noisy that turning on the television, starting up the air conditioner, and wearing noise-blocking headphones while music plays from your iPhone, is STILL not enough to block the highway noise so you can get some sleep?? The only way I could block the racket was to have even LOUDER noise happening, which doesn't help matters at all.

    This morning I checked out of my big-name pricey hotel, canceled my second day stay, and moved to a crappier, cheaper chain hotel near the airport.

    Which is paradise by comparison.

    So you'll forgive me if I don't blog anything interesting or draw a cartoon or go commenting on blogs tonight... I'm just too frickin' tired.

    And a little more than excited that I'm not sleeping in a bathtub tonight.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Gap

    Posted on Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

    Dave!Well that sucked ass. One trip down, three to go before the end of the year (and still three more in January). I'm so happy I think I might die. If I don't drop into a sleep-deprived coma first.

    I keep re-living the horror of having to sleep in a bathtub Monday night. And every time I do, I think back to Tyrone the seeing-eye dog and how he had to stay all scrunched up under two people's feet for 3-1/2 hours on a plane and wonder if doggies retain memories of bad things in their lives, or if they just forget about them the minute they've ended. If that's the case, I really envy dogs.

    A lot of crap happened in the past three days and, since I haven't been around, so we're going to catch up bullet-style...

    • Mind the Gap. As an American bloke fascinated by foreign accents, I have no problem admitting that I'm a little smitten by the lovely voice of the London Underground announcements every time I visit. Turns out the lovely woman who creates them, Emma Clarke, was recently fired because of some comments that came out of a series of spoof Underground announcements she did for her site (and don't overlook her blog, which is great). This makes me very sad, and I hope that this terrible mistake is soon rectified so I can be happy again...

    Mind The Gap

    • Olympical. Turns out not all international news is bad. Beautiful Vancouver, BC (my neighbor to the north) has just released the mascots for the 2010 Olympic Games, and they're great! Whoever came up with the idea of using a sasquatch as mascot is a frickin' genius. I cannot wait until they start selling Quatchi plush toys...

    Winter Olympics 2010

    • Macintosh Bargains. Just dropped a nice chunk of cash at the European-Indie Programmers "Give Good Food to your Mac Promotion," which has a line-up of incredible Macintosh programs at ridiculous bundle prices (anywhere from 30% to 70% off depending on how much you buy). These are not crappy bottom-drawer apps that nobody wants, they're all high-quality, totally professional releases you can't live without! I bought an even dozen... some I probably don't need but, at 70% off, I couldn't resist.

    • Kindling. Finally got to play with an Amazon Kindle digital book. It's worse than I thought, which is pretty bad. In a day and age where the bar for stunning design in physical structure, user interface, and usability has been set so incredibly high (thanks Apple!)... how can companies release such total crap and think people won't notice? Here was an opportunity to finally get digital book distribution just the boost it needed to go mainstream, and Amazon totally dropped the ball. Tragic. If you are considering the purchase of one of these DRM-laden, hideously expensive, ugly-as-sin monstrosities... I highly recommend seeing one in person before parting with your hard-earned money.

    • Daisies. Yet another amazing episode of Pushing Daisies is unfolding tonight. I sure hope the rumors of the writers strike being settled are true, because I needs me the new television shows! Death by pink goo... what a way to go.

    And with that, I should probably get some sleep. I've got a full day tomorrow before heading out again.

       

    Stained

    Posted on Thursday, November 29th, 2007

    Dave!Hanging around a hospital all day can be entertaining... if you work at it.

    Fortunately they had free wi-fi internet, which helped, but there was still plenty of time to wander around and come up with stuff to occupy my time. My favorite game? GUESS THAT STAIN!

    Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, when you think about it), there are quite a few stains to be found all over the hospital. And every time I see one, I can't help but wonder what might have caused it...

    Stains!

    Stains!

    Stains!

    Of course me (being me) always determined that the stains were from a brain leak, or an exploding pancreas, or a spinal tap gone terribly wrong, or some other kind of freaky medical improbability. But I guess that's what makes it fun.

    What's definitely not fun is watching a family receive bad news. It happens at hospitals... you would expect it to happen at hospitals... but that doesn't make it any less painful to witness.

    Tomorrow is going to be a long, long day. But it has a really good thing happening at the end, so all I have to do is hang on until then and I'll be in good shape.

    In the meanwhile, I'm going to sulk and bitch about all the snow.

       

    Birbigglebug

    Posted on Friday, November 30th, 2007

    Dave!Hmmm... I should probably set down my drink to do this...

    Tonight I drank obscene amounts of alcohol and then went to see Mike Birbiglia in concert at the Moore Theater here in Seattle with friends. He is one of the funniest people on the planet (even when you're not drunk), so you should go buy his albums right now and be sure to check out his Comedy Central Video Special.

    I took lots of pictures today, but with my crappy iPhone camera, so none of them turned out very good (why does everything always come out so DARK?). Some of them become acceptable when Photoshopped to death though.

    I've kind of got one-handed, no-look iPhone photography down to a science. I focus my attention on driving while pushing my iPhone to the windshield so I can pretty much capture exactly what I see out my window without having to even look at iPhone...

    Snow Day

    Lots of snow dropped on Stevens Pass last night, but the roads were good...

    Snow Day

    Once over the pass, the snow disappeared pretty fast...

    Snow Day

    Doing our best to support the German economy...

    Jager & Mint

    It's Mike Birbiggleboo Birbigglebug Birbigglebutt Birbiglia at The Moore...

    Mike Birbiglia

    Wow. That iPhone camera really sucks ass unless the lighting is totally perfect. Whenever I complain, everybody tells me that ALL mobile phone cameras suck ass... but my old Motorola did a lot better than this.

    Oh well. I had big fun tonight (even if my blog is down and I can't post this until morning). Tomorrow is a much-deserved day of nothing but goofing off before a full week of nothing but work, so at least I have something to look forward to.

       

    Snowed

    Posted on Saturday, December 1st, 2007

    Dave!GAH! SNOW!! LOTS OF SNOW!!!

    Well this should make driving home tomorrow a big boat-load of fun...


    Snowy Passes

    I really don't like the snow. Why do I still live in Washington?

    Eh, we're going to order in dinner and try to forget about the weather altogether.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 58

    Posted on Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

    Dave!I don't know how many bullets I have in my this Sunday. I'm still traumatized from the drive back home.

    In the past two decades of driving in the ice and snow, this was probably the worst it has ever been. And I most certainly knew better... iPhone told me the road was going to be shit, I just chose not to listen. I think that after my life is over, I shall make a list of the stupidest crap I've ever done, and this day will be in the top ten.

    • Beginnings. Things started out good enough. Just a bit of light snow that wasn't even sticking to the road...

    • Slush. But then things went terribly wrong once I made it through Monroe. The snow turned to rain which made the snow already fallen turn to slush. Scum-sucking slush from hell that pulls your car from the road and makes you lose control. Several cars were pulled into the ditch, and many of the people one the road with me turned around and went back. People far smarter than I.

    Bad Pass Route

    • Calm. Then, as if by magic, the rain stopped. Heading up the pass, there was only light snow and cleared roads. I breathed a sigh of relief that my drive home wasn't going to be as difficult as I had first thought...

    Crappy Pass

    Crappy Pass

    • Storm. It was too good to last, of course. Once I topped the pass, the roads turned to shit, the snow was much heavier and wetter, and freezing winds blasted the highway. And this wasn't even the worst part. The wind made the wet snow freeze to my windshield wipers. I had to constantly reach out my window, grab the wiper, then slap it down against the glass to break the ice off... otherwise, they couldn't clean the window. I tried to stop several times because I couldn't see, but there was no place to do so. I had to just use The Force and keep going... taking advantage of little clear spots that would pop up from time to time. It was horrible. I expected that the roads would be plowed better once I made it to Leavenworth, but I was wrong. My car was all over the road as I struggled to get home on roads completely covered with snow.

    • Wrecked. Once I finally got home safe and sound, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I could barely function. I was totally wrecked, and just wanted to climb into bed and forget that the day had ever happened. Of course, this was simply hoping for too much. I had a massive pile of emails and work to get to. Life is harsh that way.

    And that's a wrap! Fortunately, weather conditions are predicted to improve later in the week before I have to fly out again. Not that I put much stock in weather predictions, but it never hurts to be hopeful.

       

    Wet

    Posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

    Dave!Uhhhh... yeah... my home state is in a bit of trouble just now...

    Wet Flooding

       

    Can't we ship this stuff to someplace where they really need it?

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Rainblow

    Posted on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

    Dave!Despite the fact that I had to go to the dentist for my 6-month check-up first thing this morning, I woke up in kind of a good mood. Sure I had a ton of work to do but, thanks to a handful of sleeping pills, I got a good night's sleep and was feeling okay. That doesn't happen too often now-a-days, so I put a smile on my face and decided to just roll with it.

    Then I stepped outside.

    It was raining. Hard. I was all ready to wipe that smile off my face and let my mood go sour... but then I looked up...

    Rainbow Pano

    This photo hardly does it justice, but there was a massive rainbow arching across the entire sky. And, even though you can't tell from the picture, they sky was actually a nice shade of blue. Like this...

    Rainbow Blue

    In person, the rainbow was spectacular. Bright, vivid, colors that shot across the sky like a Hollywood movie special effect! My happiness was reinstated. I didn't care that it was raining.

    But then I got in my automobile. And it wouldn't start. Probably because of my drive over the pass on Sunday, which was undoubtedly a massive strain on the 7-year-old battery that came with the car. Crap.

    So now I have to borrow a car to get to my dentist appointment AND buy a new battery. Life is really sucking today. Though my teeth cleaning went pretty well, and there wasn't much need for the dental instruments of torture...

    Dental Torture Devices

    Surprisingly, the rainbow had followed me into Wenatchee, and was shining brighter than ever as I went to buy a new car battery...

    Rainbow Bright

    And then it was back to work for six hours until I could find a ride home and install my battery.

    Except the engineer who designed my Saturn SC-2 is a sadistic fucker, and replacing my battery was not as easy as it has been IN EVERY OTHER CAR I'VE EVER SEEN. The damn thing is bolted in with a stupid-ass metal shield of some kind, and none of my tools are long enough to unscrew the shit. So I work on the bracket without success, until it gets too dark and I can't see what I'm doing.

    Fucking piece of crap Saturn.

    Seriously. I bought the damn thing because I wanted to support American workers by purchasing an American car. But it has been a steaming pile of shit from the very beginning. And now, on top of having error lights that won't go out no matter how much I pay the Saturn repair shop, it has a battery that you can't remove with standard tools.

    In the morning I'll give it another try. If I can't get it to work, I'll just rent a fucking blow-torch and cut the shit off. Or light the entire car on fire and laugh maniacally as it explodes.

    Ooh! I guess I ended up in a bad mood after all.

    Stupid rainbow.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Sally

    Posted on Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

    Dave!Well smack my ass and call me Sally.

    This morning I woke up at first-light so I could try once again to install a new battery in my car. As I mentioned yesterday, Saturn designed a bracket to hold the battery in place (good) but it has the binding bolts in really stupid places (bad). In order to remove the bracket, you need something like an air-powered flat ratchet for one of the bolts... and a long extension ratchet head for the other one. I, of course, own neither of those things. There's really no need to own those things unless you are an auto mechanic.

    So after an hour of getting nowhere, I finally decide to put on a dress, then grab a matching purse and shoes so I can go pay a mechanic to install the battery...

    Dave Sally

    So thanks a fucking load Saturn. Nothing can emasculate a man faster than having to pay another guy to put a battery in his car. Seriously, how fucking difficult would it be to design the shit so that anybody with a pair of pliers and a screwdriver can take care of it? Is that really too much to ask? I mean, I own a good set of manly tools... I even have a Dremel for criminey's sake... shouldn't that be enough to do something as simple as replacing the battery in your car? Yes. Yes it should. Because, when you think about it, the time that most people have to replace their battery is probably a time when they least expect it, and they may not have any tools available. Why not a simple locking pressure clamp with no tools required? Why force guys to have to wear dresses with matching shoes and handbags as they pay a mechanic to deal with this simple shit?

    There is no good reason I can think of except that you hire asshole engineers who get sadistic pleasure out of torturing your customers.

    I seriously need to go drink a six-pack of beer while watching football and farting as I scratch my balls so I can get some of my manhood back.

    Though I should probably change out of this dress first.

       

    Speed

    Posted on Thursday, December 6th, 2007

    Dave!Well today totally sucked ass.

    Just as I knew it would. I expected it to suck ass. Somehow I thought this foresight would make it easier to live through to the rain of shit that fell all over my life, but I was wrong. So wrong. With every new horror that popped up, I was worn down just a little further. I haven't measured my height or anything, but I must be at least 3 feet shorter than I started out this morning. And my head hurts.

    But there was a bright spot when I woke up and saw that USA Today has a sneak peak at the new Speed Racer movie in production. And the photos are incredible. Word is that the Wachowski Brothers are creating a movie unlike anything seen before (not a surprise considering they were also responsible for The Matrix)...

    Mach 5

    Speed Racer

    I was a massive fan of the original Speed Racer cartoon when I was a kid (it had a monkey in it!), and am really psyched to see how this film is going to play out. Unfortunately, I have a long five months to wait. In the meanwhile, I guess I'll just go stare at the sneak peak photos again, and play make-believe Speed Racer like I used to...

    Dave Racer

    And then prepare myself for yet another crappy day tomorrow.

    UPDATE: The Speed Racer teaser trailer is now online. This is going to be so cool. Look, it's Chim Chim!!

    Chim Chim

    Chim Chim

       

    Minutes

    Posted on Friday, December 7th, 2007

    Dave!This morning as I was walking through town, I spotted a man and a woman in the middle of a bitter argument. I could hear them yelling a block away, and there was much hand-waving and stomping of feet while they screamed. As I got closer, the reason for the ruckus was soon apparent.

    It was over their mobile phone bill.

    Apparently they went over their minutes allotment, and she was being blamed for it all.

    "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON THE PHONE? WHO ARE YOU CALLING?"

    "YOU'RE THE ONE CALLING ME EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY! EVER THINK THIS MIGHT BE YOUR FAULT??"

    I wanted to stop and ask why they didn't have a plan that allowed unlimited calling on a shared plan, but decided against it. Getting involved in a domestic dispute where roaming charges are involved can be fatal.

    Who'da thunk that a phone bill could be so entertaining?

    Last night there was yet another brilliant cameo by Betty White... this time on Ugly Betty. What made it so cool was that Betty was playing herself (or, to be more accurate, and exaggerated version of herself) which was sweet...

    Betty White: "I'll be fine. I did lose a lot of blood, but it was my own fault. I stopped to sign a few autographs and almost bled out on the sidewalk."
       
    Wilhelmina Slater: "Well, that's why you're beloved... you're loyal to your fans."
       
    Betty White: "Oh, well, I adore them. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur."

    And my personal favorite...

    Betty White: "Oh terrific, I'm going on TV with whore eyes!"

    I maintain that Betty White should guest-star on all television programs. Her appearing on Heroes and Lost would be about the only thing that could get me to start watching those shows again.

    Besides, Betty could use the work since all her Golden Girls money was wasted away on nickel slots.

    Categories: Television 2007Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Nothing

    Posted on Saturday, December 8th, 2007

    Dave!What... what's happening? I have nothing to blog about. N-O-T-H-I-N-G! This almost never happens. If I were smart, I'd have a few entries in reserve for just such an occasion but, since I like to blog fresh daily, this is not an option. I suppose that I could just ramble on about how I had to work all day... then change my travel plans because I didn't get everything done... then ate a frozen pizza for dinner and watched Graham Norton before working again... but who wants to read that?

    About the only interesting thing that happened was that I drew up some produce for a project this morning...

    Dave Salad

    Oh, and I also saw a UFO zoom across the sky on my way home from work. A pity I wasn't abducted or anything, because that would have at least given me something to blog about.

    Now I'm depressed at the thought that I might actually have been abducted, but the space aliens wiped my memories of it before returning me to earth.

    Unless I was anally probed, in which case I'm thankful to have forgotten the incident.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 59

    Posted on Sunday, December 9th, 2007

    Dave!Waaaaahhh... I should not be blogging! I have to get up and go to the airport in 4 hours. But I just can't stop myself because it's Bullet Sunday!

    • TiVolutionary. The one thing I positively loathe about TiVo is its constant need to "phone home" for updates and crap. Since my TiVo Series One is nowhere near a phone jack, I have to stretch a cord across the room in order for it to do its business. Given what a pain this is, I only do it once a month or so. This makes TiVo very cross indeed, and he sends me error messages every day until he gets his phone call. I'm so adept at ignoring his messages that I only today noticed that it has been six months since TiVo made a call. Oops. I wonder if TiVo ever refuses to work if you haven't dialed in for an extreme amount of time?

    • New Frontier. One of my favorite "Absolute" volumes from DC Comics is "The New Frontier" by Darwyn Cooke. It's a very cool retro-style take on super-heroes that's done far better than I would have thought. Now they've gone and made a movie from the material, and I want it pretty bad. Unfortunately, this photo is as close as I'm going to get until it's released on February 26th...

    The New Frontier

    • Powered. Why can't everybody use the same plugs on their power adapters? I've got at least twenty different power adapters, and I am getting tired of trying to figure out which one goes with which peripheral. I thought I was making headway on the problem by choosing a single manufacturer for my external hard drives... the LaCie drives designed by F.A. Porsche. They're beautiful, reliable, and all use the exact same power adapter. Except today I find out that the two new drives I just bought are using a DIFFERENT power adapter than my older drives. WTF?? Bad enough to have different power adapters from different manufacturers... but the SAME manufacturer with the SAME product? What dumbass thought this was a good idea? Surely not F.A. Porsche himself?

    F.A. Porsche Drive

    • Davelando. Ooh! After my work in Wisconsin, I'm heading down to Orlando for work and fun at Disney World! If anybody is in the area and wants to goof off, just email me and I'll see if we can find a time to meet. There's probably going to be a blogger dinner one of the nights I'm there, but no time has been decided yet.

    Davelando

    • Time Machine. And, lastly, can I just give a big "thank you" to whatever Apple Genius came up with their new Time Machine backup software? I've lost count of the number of times my ass has been saved by this remarkable program. I never realized just how many times I need to recover old files until Time Machine arrived.

    LeopardTimeMachine.jpg

    Ugh... no more bullets. I'd say "good night" but it doesn't make much sense to go to bed when I'm just going to have to get right back up again in a few hours. Oh well. My first class upgrades came in for all my flights, so I guess I'll have plenty of room to get some sleep on the plane.

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Goodnight

    Posted on Monday, December 10th, 2007

    Dave!I wish I could just puke and get it over with.

    After not sleeping for three days and having to travel all day today... I am thoroughly exhausted and feeling pretty sickly. I posted some photos and updates over at DaveStalker, but anything else is going to have to wait until tomorrow...


    Dave Sleep

    Goodnight!

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Alonely

    Posted on Tuesday, December 11th, 2007

    Dave!I don't have internet, so I have no idea when I can post this. How typical.

    Three days ago, I read an entry over at "A Pile of Dog Bones" that has been haunting me ever since. In his blog, Watchdog talks about the difference between being alone and being lonely, and comes to the conclusion that both are empty feelings that cause a sense of desperation, and the only difference is that "one is an absolute and the other is an abstract."

    Since I am often alone (whether it be because I'm working all the time or traveling as often as I do) this kind of struck a chord with me. And on a night like tonight when I'm far from home, sitting down for dinner in the middle of an empty Pizza Hut restaurant staring at a single-serving Personal Pan Pizza... well, it's not difficult to see why.

    The only difference being that I don't mind being alone.

    Mostly because I never feel lonely.

    Sure there are times I wish I had a nine-to-five job where I could stop work at a sane hour and do the whole "hey honey, I'm home" thing, but that's not the life I have. I suppose if that's what I really wanted, I could go and make it happen... but it would seem that I'm content with things the way they are, because I'm not inclined to change. I do the best I can to stay in touch with friends and family, and that seems to be enough. For me anyway...

    Alone Not Lonely

    And yet...

    When I stop and think about it, how is it possible that I'm not lonely?

    Any rational person would look at my life and say that I should be lonely.

    Perhaps it's because I'm deluded.

    More likely it's because I was hurt so badly by somebody in my past that I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than risk suffering like that again.

    Anything is possible.

    But, then again, I'll always have you.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  37 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Reservations

    Posted on Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

    Dave!Yeah, let's not do this again.

    My entire day... ENTIRE DAY has been spent changing reservations. The changing them again. I think I've paid more in change fees that I've paid in actual airfare. And the worst part is that, because of heavy holiday travel and sold-out flights, I've ended up with this bizarre schedule of overnight stays just to get to my final destinations.

    No flight out of Seattle? Oh... how about leaving a day early so you can overnight in Spokane and we can get you out the next day from there? Nothing available on the 26th? Hmmm... guess you're flying on Christmas Day then! Can't get home before your next flight? Well, looks like you get to stick around Seattle for two extra days! My travel calender is a bloody mess...

    Davedecember

    As it stands now, I don't have a handle on what I'm doing or where I'm going to be for the next two months.

    Heck... where am I now?

    Hopefully it will all sort itself out in the morning, because right now I have 46 emails to tend to.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Onion

    Posted on Thursday, December 13th, 2007

    Dave!Why isn't there a federal law which requires there to be a McDonalds located past every airport security checkpoint? That way, I wouldn't have to go to the Milwaukee airport 2-1/2 hours early so I have time to eat breakfast in the pre-screening lobby and still have time left to stand in line and get probed by the TSA (Milwaukee's express lane for first-class ticket-holders isn't a separate lane... all it does it cut you in front of some poor bastard that's been standing in line for an hour, and that's not really fair).

    After having a thoroughly horrible breakfast of onion-flavored eggs on an onion-flavored croissant with onion-flavored cheese and a side of onion-flavored potatoes, I head over to the place that makes Milwaukee's airport one of my all-time favorites (even though there's no McDonalds on the E-Concourse)... RENAISSANCE BOOKS!

    Renaissance

    I love Renaissance. They have a remarkable collection of older used paperbacks & hardbacks at reasonable prices, and I've purchased at least a hundred books there over the past fifteen years I've been passing through MKE. Most of those are ancient 35¢ and 50¢ copies of Edgar Rice Burroughs novels for my collection. Today I filled in a few holes of my Tarzan series, which was pretty sweet.

    And now I'm off to Walt Disney World.

    Categories: Books, Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  6 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Disney World: Day One

    Posted on Thursday, December 13th, 2007

    Dave!"Would you like to join our parade?" the cast member says, shaking her little tambourine and smiling.

    "Your parade? Join your parade in the middle of my dinner? I'd rather light my pubes on fire and jump into a vat of gasoline. I'd prefer to be struck by lightning. I would rather be attacked by wild beavers with a hunger for human flesh. I'd dance naked while holding a lightning rod in each hand during a thunderstorm first. I'd rather eat goat scrotum smeared with bat guano and dipped in cockroach larvae. There is nothing I'd like less than to join your parade, so no... not really." --- Is what I WANTED to say. What I ACTUALLY said was "no thanks."

    Yes, heaven help me, I'm back at Walt Disney World...

    Davedisneyworld-1

    I used to visit Disney World at least once a year during my trips to Orlando, but gradually lost interest. Five years ago I stopped altogether. The closest I've gotten was a quick stop at Universal Studios 3-1/2 years ago. It just stopped being fun. But a lot has been changed and added over the past half-decade, and so here I am again.

    I usually stay at the Wilderness Lodge (my favorite) or The Contemporary Resort (so convenient)... but, no matter where I stay, I always end up making my way to Port Orleans for breakfast a couple times because they have the best freshly-made beignets (French donuts) outside of New Orleans. This time I decided to cut out all the pretense and just stay at the Port Orleans Resort so I could have beignets for breakfast every morning, which is what I've really been wanting all along. It's not as cool as the other Disney properties I've been to, but still nicely appointed and clean.

    Thanks to Disney's "Magical Express" shuttle service, I skipped baggage claim at Orlando International Airport (Disney waits for your bags and puts them in your room for you) and headed straight for check-in. Since it was 6:30pm, everything was about ready to close except MGM Disney Studios, so that's where I went. It's my least favorite of the four parks, so it would be nice to get it out of the way...

    ATTRACTIONS OF THE DAY...
       
    • Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (x2). I was confused a few months ago when I rode the Disney California Adventure version of this ride, because it wasn't the same as the Florida version. Here, your elevator car actually leaves the elevator shaft for a "trip through the fifth dimension" before rolling into the drop shaft (unlike the California version, which never leaves the shaft). It's a better experience, but the part that everybody comes for (the drops) is the same. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Aerosmith Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. A fast-launch roller-coaster "dark" ride in the vein of Space Mountain that's actually pretty cool. Of course, I'd ride it just to see the ever-amazing Ileana Douglas (who plays the band's manager) because she's one of my favorite actresses. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Star Tours. This ride is badly dated and desperately needs to be upgraded (it's not even as cool as Back To The Future: The Ride that was just closed at Universal Studios!), but I always ride it just in case it's the last time I'll be able to do so. Rumor has it that Lucas is working on a revamp which will center around the prequels crap (a pod-race, or whatever) which freaks me out because he'll probably shit all over the ride with Jar Jar Binks, unnecessary banthas, and other stupid dumbassery. Wikipedia Link.

    And that was that. Four rides in under two hours is pretty good by Disney standards. All that was left was dinner, which consisted of Disney's always-delicious cheese pizza and apple slices with caramel for dessert.

    I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow. But I'm sure it will be "magical" because I've heard that word at least a hundred times since I've arrived here.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Disney World: Day Two

    Posted on Friday, December 14th, 2007

    Dave!This morning I took a look at the Orlando weather forecast, only to see that thunderstorms are predicted for Saturday and Sunday. No big surprise... Orlando gets more rain than Seattle, yet Seattle somehow has the worse reputation for it. Since the weather today was perfect, I decided to rush through those rides I wanted to go on which would most be affected by the rain, namely Expedition Everest, Kali River Rapids, and Splash Mountain.

    After a plate of delicious beignets, I got to Animal Kingdom just as they opened and went straight to Expedition Everest. The attraction is pretty hard to miss given the massive "Forbidden Mountain" they built for it, which can be seen from just about anywhere in the park...

    Forbiddenmountain

    As far as roller coaster rides go... it's pretty tame. As far as an amazing attraction goes... it's incredible. You race around a mountain (forwards and backwards) for an encounter with a Yeti! And here I thought that Disney had forgotten how to make great theme park rides (after the massive pile of shit that California Adventure turned out to be, can you blame me? (with the exception of Grizzly River Run, Soarin', and Tower of Terror, it's a complete waste of time).

    The theming of the entire area is impeccable... looking like a Himalayan village. The staging for the ride itself is very cool... created to be a Yeti museum. Every detail is perfect. It's everything you want out of a Disney E-Ticket attraction...

    Expeditioneverest

    And it doesn't stop there. Disney meticulously sets the stage for the attraction in other areas of the park. Like this mountain range guide, which shows how Forbidden Mountain fits into the Himalayas...

    Disneyeveresttheming

    Since there was no line, I rode it twice, then went to get all wet on the Kali River Rapids, then came back and rode it two more times. You pretty much have to, because the experience is so rich. There are hundreds of tiny details that you miss if you only ride it once or twice.

    Since I've already been to the rest of Animal Kingdom a few times (and find it completely boring) I then dashed over to Magic Kingdom for a little Pirates of the Caribbean and Splash Mountain action. I was then going to go back to my hotel and work for the rest of the day, but thought I would hit Space Mountain first. The lines everywhere were so short (max. 15 minutes) that it seemed crazy not to. After 6 or 7 minutes in line, I had just made it to the interior queue when something amazing happened. They had a problem with the ride and had to stop it. And then they turned on the lights. OMG! IT'S SPACE MOUNTAIN... WITH THE LIGHTS ON!!...

    Spacemountainlit

    Spacemountainlit2

    You can clearly see the dual mirror-image tracks that is unique to the Florida version of the ride (all the other Space Mountains have a single track). After making us wait for 20 minutes, they couldn't fix it, so they kicked us all out and gave us "Any Attraction Fast Passes" for our trouble.

    After working for five hours, I met up with my friend Dale at Epcot for dinner. Since we arrived early and the lines were short, we decided to ride "Mission: SPACE." While not quite as well thought-out as Expedition Everest, this new ride is very well done and a lot of fun. They basically simulate a trip to Mars by sticking you in a centrifuge. Kind of like a giant Tilt-A-Whirl or Round-Up, but with a viewscreen and space ship controls. What's funny is that this ride has more warnings than any other I've seen, AND they have barf bags in front of every seat! How cool is that? I never thought I'd see barf bags on a Disney attraction, but there they were. I didn't get sick at all, but was a little woozy as I exited the "spacecraft." Dinner in France (at Epcot's World Showcase) was good, and we got out just as Epcot was shutting down. As we were leaving, we saw that Ellen's Energy Adventure was on last-call, so I convinced Dale we should go (I love that ride!).

    ATTRACTIONS OF THE DAY...
       
    • Expedition Everest (x4). One of the best US Disney attractions in years. Finally, Animal Kingdom has a decent ride! Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Kali River Rapids. Disney tries to shoe-horn in an educational message about the destruction of the world's forests into this ride... and fails miserably. A good attraction, but not as much fun as the similar Grizzly River Rapids in California. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Pirates of the Caribbean. Like the Disneyland attraction, this ride was recently Johnny Depp enhanced to match with the Pirates trilogy of movies. I never cared for the Florida ride as much as the California original, because it just doesn't have the same atmosphere (Disneyland has the cool grotto with the restaurant and more interesting staging). Still, it's a good ride, and I never miss an opportunity to go on it. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Splash Mountain. Easily one of the best Disney attractions ever, I will never pass up an opportunity to ride Splash Mountain. The Florida version has side-by-side seating, which is a bit more comfortable than California's version... other than that, it's a fairly similar experience. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Mission: SPACE. A terrific addition to Epcot, this "Mission to Mars" simulator is another home-run attraction for Disney. I can see where the centrifuge action might make people sick (though I had no problems with it) so Disney has a "non-spinning" version for those who'd still like to experience it. I can't imagine it being nearly as fun, but it's a nice consideration. Features an appearance by Gary Sinise (Lieutenant Dan!) who is apparently reprising his character from the awful "Mission to Mars" movie. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Ellen's Energy Adventure. A moving theater ride that's really well done. I was an early fan of Ellen from the first time I saw her as a secretary on the Alison La Placa vehicle comedy series Open House. She's a genuinely funny person that never fails to entertain (at least when she's not crying about dog adoption). Having her host a Disney attraction is genius. Especially when it's an educational attraction where you need people to be entertained. What's so incredible here is that this ride was created before Ellen was really that famous. Before her sit-com, before she came out, before her talk-show. And during all that, "Ellen's Energy Adventure" has endured and still holds up well today. In fact, Ellen's continuing success has probably helped this attraction to survive (appearances by Alex Trebek, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Bill Nye the Science Guy don't hurt either). One of the best original attractions from when Epcot opened (and one of the few remaining!). Wikipedia Link.

    And thus ends my second day in Walt Disney World. Tomorrow I'm sleeping in.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Disney World: Day Three

    Posted on Saturday, December 15th, 2007

    Dave!Last night after dinner as Dale and I were leaving Epcot's France Pavillion, I stopped at the Italy Pavillion so I could make lunch reservations for today. My favorite place to eat in Rome is "Alfredo alla Scrofa," the restaurant where Fettucini Alfredo was created. The taste is vastly superior to the total shit that Americans call "Fettucini Alfredo" and the only place you can get it outside of Italy is at "L'Originale Alfredo di Roma Ristorante" at Epcot. So today I show up and notice that the restaurant is no longer "Alfredo" but something else entirely. In the dark last night while making reservations, I didn't notice. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED?!?? Disney managing to score Alfredo was a major coup, and letting them leave Epcot is a huge mistake. The new restaurant doesn't even have Fettucini Alfredo on the menu! I felt like crying. Epcot is dead to me.

    After having a fairly decent non-Alfredo lunch anyway, I was wandering through the Germany Pavilion when I heard IT.

    Some woman was talking to her husband and said IT.

    Yes, IT...

    "The great thing about Epcot is that you can visit Germany and France and whatever without having to actually go there.

    I could not help myself. I started laughing hysterically. I was like one of those Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls. I was Tickle-Me-Dave...

    Dave Funny

    I found it absolutely priceless that this woman could think that the entire country of Germany could possibly be experienced by walking around an Epcot pavilion. I stopped and looked around "Germany" and just died...

    Epcot Germany

    Then I started thinking about the many times I've visited Germany and some of the incredible things I've seen there... and I died a little more. Died laughing.

    And how about the Parisian village in France...

    Epcot France

    Yeah, that's totally France right there. No need to cross the Atlantic, because that's so totally it!

    Hey Karla, forget about me ever coming to visit you in Oslo... I've now been to Norway, so there's really no point in it. See??? It's Norway...

    Epcot Norway

    I mean, what's the point in leaving the US anymore? Just go to Epcot, and you've experienced all the world culture you'll ever need! Lets take the "United Kingdom" for example. It's like an English village of some kind, complete with a corner pub...

    Epcot England

    And don't forget the fish & chips...

    Epcot England

    And the United Kingdom wouldn't be complete without red phone and post boxes...

    Epcot England

    Yep, that's the UK alright! Just like being there! And don't forget Canada...

    Epcot Canada

    All we need is a lumberjack, a Royal Canadian Mounty, and a moose with a hockey stick, and it's perfect!

    But then I started looking around all the pavilions, and kind of had a change of heart. That woman may have been totally insane to think that Epcot could replace an actual visit to any of these countries... but that's not the point. The point is to get a little hint of what it must be like at these places. And just maybe what you see and experience at Epcot will be enough to make you want to visit the real country one day...

    Epcot China

    I've been very fortunate to have seen most all of these places for real. But that's an opportunity that many people don't have (and may never have now that Bush has put the value of the US dollar in the toilet). I've been to St. Mark's Square in Venice and seen the Campanile bell tower and Dodges Palace. Does the Epcot mini-versions somehow invalidate this? No. It's not even remotely the same thing. But it's a clever tribute, and that's all it's meant to be...

    Epcot Italy

    And then, just as I'm ready to praise Disney for making a little taste of foreign lands available to those who might otherwise never have a chance to experience them, I look across the lagoon towards that small patch of "Paris" and suddenly the illusion is shattered. Who is the dumb fuck Disney engineer who decided to build a massive hotel behind the Paris skyline? There's the Eiffel Tower alright, and it's being dominated by two giant swans, just like the real thing!!

    Epcot France Fuck-Up

    Suddenly, the once great Eiffel Tower looks like the tiny little prop it is. Way to go Disney... you've painstakingly worked to build the illusion of one of the world's greatest cities, and then let greed go and fuck it up for everybody. Walt Disney World is MASSIVELY HUGE!! Couldn't you have found another place to stick your "Dolphin and Swan" hotel monstrosity? Whoever was in charge of picking that hotel location should be shot. What an asshole. Walt Disney is spinning in his grave with shame.

    ATTRACTIONS OF THE DAY...
       
    • Harmony Barber Shop. I actually got my hair cut at Magic Kingdom's resident barber shop yesterday, but forgot to mention it. This place is famous for giving kids their "first haircut" and any kid doing so gets a special "Mickey Mouse Ears" embroidered hat and a certificate to prove it. When I was there, a pair of twins were getting their first haircut, and it was pretty hilarious to watch. This place is massively busy all day long, so it helps to arrive early. I got lucky, because a parade distracted people so I could get in within 15 minutes.
       
    • Test Track. This attraction was supposed to have a grand opening on one of my earlier Disney trips, but got delayed. When I finally did get to ride it my next trip, they had technical difficulties and had to stop it in the middle. I finally got to ride it all the way through on a following visit, but wasn't really impressed. The entire thing is just a glorified (and somewhat boring) General Motors car commercial. Sure it's a ride that goes 65 mph fast, but I've gone faster in my own car, so whoopty-do. But it's one of Epcot's biggest attractions, so I went ahead and rode it as I was leaving the park. Basically, you ride around in a 6-seater "car" that gets tested over bumps, heat, cold, and the like. Yawn. Wikipedia Link.

    For the record, my biggest attraction of the day was buying a load of overpriced Japanese candy in the Japan pavilion...

    Japan Candy

    And thus ends my third day in Walt Disney World.

    Almost...

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 60

    Posted on Sunday, December 16th, 2007

    Dave!This Bullet Sunday was a fairly laid-back day. Since it was raining in the morning, I stayed in bed until 10:00 before venturing out for my morning beignet fix. From there it was just another walk in the park (or two).

    Davelando. Due to both the holidays and a plague descending upon Orlando (seriously, it seems everybody here is sick or getting sick or recovering from being sick), it was just Avitable, Jess, and myself for dinner last night when we met up at the money-making factory known as Downtown Disney...

    Davelando

    It was a great time to hang out, chat, and stare at the fish. At least it was until Avitable decided that everybody at the Rainforest Cafe needed to see his testicles, at which time we were asked to leave. Fortunately, they still let us keep our souvenir light-up action glasses...

    Rainforest Glasses

    Banded. Disney has a perk for their resort hotel guests called "Magic Hours." You just show your room key at a designated Magic Hours Station, and they slap a wrist-band on you so that you can keep going on rides for a couple hours after the park has closed to everybody else. When Dale and I were at Epcot a couple nights ago, we passed one of these stations where a little boy was getting his wrist-band. At first he thought it was cool and was waving it all around. But then he tried to remove it... "AAAAAAAAHHH! IT WON'T COME OFF! IT WON'T COME OFF!" The kid was freaking out, and nothing his parents said would console him. Finally, they removed the band and the poor kid just stood there crying... "I can't eat breakfast tomorrow with that on my arm!" he explained. Sometimes kids are the most logical people I've met.

    Gingerbread. For lunch today, my friend Dale and his wife met me at The Grand Floridian hotel here at Disney. We decided not to eat there but, before we left, we went to see a giant gingerbread house they had built in the lobby. It was so big that ladies were inside of it selling stuff out the back. It was weird, but kind of cool...

    Floridian Gingerbread

    Guides. After Dale and his wife headed off, I went back to The Magic Kingdom to use my Space Mountain FastPass that I had been given when the ride broke down a couple days ago. After I had goofed around for a bit, I walked through the shops and spotted this really cool book called "An Imagineering Guide To The Magic Kingdom." It has all kinds of interesting trivia and information about the park, and I couldn't live without it. As I was paying for my book, the cashier asks "do you already have the other two?" at which time I realize there must be books for Epcot and Animal Kingdom/MGM Studios too. Sure enough, I do a Google search and there they are. Now I have to go track down the other two. Very, very cool companion reference when visiting Walt Disney World. I wish I had them with me earlier...

    Imagineer Guides

    SPACE. While waiting for my "FastPass" time to come up for the Soarin' attraction tonight, I headed over to ride Mission: SPACE again, since there was no wait. As I was approaching, I noticed how beautiful the building was at night and went to take a picture. But, for some reason, my camera refused to focus on it. I could snap pictures of everything else in the area no problem, but Mission: SPACE refused to be photographed properly. Bizarre, but still pretty to look at...

    Mission: Space Blur

    ATTRACTIONS OF THE DAY...
       
    • Stitch's Great Escape. This is not a very good attraction, having been retrofitted from the "ExTERRORestrial Alien Encounter" scare ride from years ago (which was far better, made more sense, and featured the voice of Tim Curry!)... but it has my favorite animated Disney character of all time in it... Stitch! The audioanimatronic robot they've built for him is incredible, and he moves around like he's real. It's well worth seeing for Stitch, but everything else is kind of lame. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Space Mountain. One of the most brilliant ideas for a roller coaster ever, I love Space Mountain. The only problem is that the seats in the Orlando ride are really uncomfortable if you're tall and have limited flexibility like I do. My shins got all banged up, and my legs ache after I manage to climb out of the thing. But I love the attraction too much to care, and ride it even though I know I'll suffer for doing so. An endorsement doesn't get much better than that! Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Haunted Mansion. I have been wanting to see the Nightmare Before Christmas theming of this ride for a very long time (missed it by ONE DAY when I was in Disneyland earlier this year!). Unfortunately, the Disney World version doesn't get themed for Nightmare Before Christmas, so this is yet another year I'm missing out. I was told that this Haunted Mansion got an upgrade... and I did notice a few changes, but it's still pretty much the same ride it's always been. This is probably not a bad thing. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • Soarin'. The best ride at Disney's fairly lame "California Adventure" park, it proved so successful that they decided to duplicate it at Epcot. Using IMAX technology, you fly over scenic California on massive "hang gliders" that move in sync to the film giving the illusion of flight. Very, very cool, but crowded... the only ride during my entire visit where I was forced to take a FastPass ticket because the line was over an hour long. Wikipedia Link.

    It's Stitch! One of the coolest attractions at any Disney theme park was a "video conference booth" that links you up with Stitch in Hawaii so you can talk and interact with him. I got to experience it in Disneyland, but have no idea if it's there anymore. I can't really explain it except to point to some brilliant videos on YouTube (there are bunches of them, and they're all amazing). Here at Disney World, they have the same thing with Crash the turtle from Finding Nemo. If you have kids (or are a kid at heart) this is a can't-miss attraction. I love Stitch...

    Lilo & Stitch

    Stitch Escape

    And thus ends my fourth day in Walt Disney World. One day left to go...

       

    Disney World: Day Five

    Posted on Monday, December 17th, 2007

    Dave!"Thank you for staying with us, and we wish you magical dreams!"
    —Disney Wake-Up Call Service Center.

    Uhhh... yeah... now that I am checking out of the Happiest Place on Earth tomorrow morning, there are five words I don't want to hear for a while: 1) Dream. 2) Wish. 3) Special. 4) Wonder. 5) Magic/Magical. I fully understand and appreciate that Disney is trying to create an environment that's fantabulous and all, but you can over-use buzz-words to the point where they not only lose their meaning, but also make you sick of hearing them. I'm to the point now where every time I hear a recorded message with the word "magical" used more than five times (which is all of them) I want to kill myself.

    Today my only goal was to get back to the hotel at a decent hour so I can get up and make my 3:30am airport shuttle in the morning. Other than that, I really didn't have anything in mind. I thought maybe I'd pick up a few souvenirs and meet my friend Anne for dinner (she has an Annual Pass, but hasn't used it once in the seven months she's had it... "this will help me get my money's worth," she says).

    To kill time, I finally decided that I would go to all four parks so I could ride both my favorite ride AND a ride I've never ridden before. Since it's cold, cold, cold outside, I put on a jacket.

    Frogs on Snakes?
    Frogs on snakes? Only in Animal Kingdom, baby.

    Animal Kingdom.
    My favorite attraction in Animal Kingdom is Expedition Everest. Since the line to ride it was pretty short, I went ahead and rode it twice. It's so cool that I just can't get tired of it! The ride I've never ridden before is DINOSAUR! I was told by a number of people that it was kind of lame, and I had already ridden Jurassic Park at Universal Studios... so I never bothered. I talk about it in my "Today's Attractions" below but, suffice to say, it's not that great of an experience.

    Lunch Warrior
    This fearless little bastard was eyeing my burrito!

    Epcot.
    I guess my favorite attraction here is Mission: SPACE so I was sure to hit it before I ate lunch (a decent "wet burrito" in the Mexico Pavilion). Unlike Expedition Everest, I am getting a little tired of this attraction, having ridden it three times now. Finding a ride that I've never ridden before was difficult, because I've been here so many times that I've ridden them all. Eventually I noticed that the 360° panorama film "O Canada!" had been updated (with new host Martin Short), so I figured that would fit the bill. Along the way to the Canada pavilion, I see this sign for a Candlelight Procession Special, hosted by a big-name star...

    Epcot Candlelight
    That's Neil Patrick Harris, bitches!!

    The guest star for today? "Way of The Master" douchebag Kirk Cameron ("YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE EXACTLY THE SAME WAY I DO, AND I CAN'T STOP SMILING ABOUT IT!!!!). Guess I won't be sticking around for that shit. But I do drop by the Japan Pavilion before "O Canada!" so I can stock up on more Japanese candies. There was still a bit of room in my suitcase, and we can't have that.

    Hollywood Tower Hotel
    You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...

    Disney MGM Studios.
    About the only attraction here I like is Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, so riding it is a no-brainer. When it comes to something I haven't ridden, I have my choice of a few things, but ultimately end up picking The Great Movie Ride for some reason. This ride is so lame that it had me wishing I'd gone back to Epcot so I could watch Kirk Cameron.

    Wilderness Lodge
    Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

    Disney's Wilderness Lodge.
    We ate dinner at my favorite Walt Disney World resort property... The Wilderness Lodge. It was magical.

    Wishesc Disney Castle
    It's a special magical dream of wishes and wonder!

    Disney's Magic Kingdom.
    My favorite ride here is easily Splash Mountain, so off I went. When I got there, I thought that the ride had closed. Nobody was around. But then I saw a "cast member" who assured me it was open, so I went ahead and rode it. ALONE. There was NOBODY there. Nobody in front of me, nobody in back of me. I boarded a log-car all my own (choosing the second row to avoid getting too wet), and that was it. Splash Mountain was EMPTY...

    Empty Splash Mountain
    Off I go to the Laughing Place... the Laughing Place...

    It's amazing how much more I could appreciate the ride by myself. First of all, I heard a lot of sounds, dialogue, and atmosphere audio effects that I had never noticed before because other people had been talking and screaming. Second of all, I didn't get wet at all... I'm guessing because the log was so much lighter without seven of my closest friends riding with me. It was SWEET! I thought Big Thunder Railroad would be empty too, but it had a 25 minute wait. My guess is that people were avoiding Splash Mountain because they didn't want to get wet while it was so cold out. When it came to riding something I had never ridden before, I couldn't find anything that sounded good, so I headed back to the hotel so I could pack. As I was making my way through Main Street, I was stopped so a parade could go by. The name of the parade tonight? WISHES, of course...

    Wishes Mermaid
    It's The Little Mermaid! NAKED!! w00t!

    Wishes Fish
    Sucker fish or blow fish? I can't decide. Maybe a little of both.

    ATTRACTIONS OF THE DAY...
       
    • DINOSAUR! This could have been a very cool attraction, because it uses the same nifty vehicles that Disneyland uses for the Indiana Jones ride. And, on top of that, it's got dinosaurs in it! But most of the ride is just dark with nothing happening, which is lame. And when you finally do get to see dinosaurs, they're kind of rubbery-looking things that aren't even the least bit interesting. Sad. Disney should spend the money to fix this and turn it into a killer attraction. Wikipedia Link.
       
    • O Canada! A beautiful film featuring highlights of our neighbor to the north, projected in 360° panorama. Very nice, and capably narrated by Martin Short (who wouldn't be my first choice, but oh well). Wikipedia Link.
       
    • The Great Movie Ride. Billed as "A Spectacular Journey INTO The Movies" this is about as lame a ride as you can find at Disney World. After boarding moving theater bench-cars, you ride through boring dioramas from an assortment of popular films. Along the way your host interacts with stuff which has an almost "so bad it's good" quality to it, but ultimately fails to be entertaining. This is a wholly missable attraction that should be closed so the space can be used for something much better. Wikipedia Link.

    And thus ends my Disney Dream Vacation! Now I get to take a brief nap before getting up in three hours so I can catch my Magical Disney Express to the airport. Bleh.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Netless

    Posted on Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

    Dave!Okay... so I get home, sit down to write my daily entry, and there's no internet! Bleh. Oh well... I guess I really was too tired to blog tonight anyway.

    Thank heavens for iPhone, or I'd be internetless and crazy.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  4 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Caucasian

    Posted on Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

    Dave!Once again, a great (albeit way too short) vacation at Walt Disney World. After having avoided the place for five years, they finally added enough new attractions to bring me back, and I was not disappointed (particularly with Expedition Everest, which is amazing).

    Which is not to say that there was not a major disappointment, because there was. My biggest gripe this time around? Shopping for souvenir gifts.

    And I blame it on Caucasian Mickey Mouse.

    For anybody who doesn't know, Mickey originally started out as a black and white character but, at some point in the 1940's, Disney decided to make Mickey be caucasian...

    Mickey Mouse

    Because I feel that Mickey Mouse should transcend race, I am 4-square against Caucasian Mickey, and won't buy any merchandise he appears on. Unfortunately, most merchandise has the newer, unimproved mouse on it, so souvenir shopping for friends is difficult. Especially since most of the other souvenir crap has "Disney Princesses" on it (I've had my fill of bitchy princesses in real life) or Goofy (I find stupidity neither cute nor entertaining and loathe him). Oh well, the less there is to buy, the less money I have to spend.

    Magic Castle

    And that's the end of my Walt Disney World experience here at Blogography. But, before I go, here's a few things that might help you to plan your WDW magical dream vacation...

    DAVE'S TOP FIVE WALT DISNEY WORLD TIPS...

    Disney AAA Discount: If you are a AAA member, check out package pricing at your local office. On top of the AAA discount you'd normally get, they sometimes have special deals that could save you even more money. Never assume that a package with airfare is cheaper than buying the airfare separately... double check, because it's not always the case.

    Disney Resort: There are numerous benefits to staying at a Disney Resort property within Walt Disney World, even though you pay more for it. Most important would be "Magic Hours" in which you get a rotating schedule of parks that have early/late hours especially for Disney guests. During these times, the lines are really short, and you can get some good ride-time in. You also get free transportation among the parks (or free parking, if you'd rather take your car), purchases can be charged to your room and delivered back to your room (no cash, no bags!), and more. As if that weren't enough, even the cheapest Disney resort is guaranteed to be clean, comfortable, and safe... and you get resort benefits regardless of which resort you choose, even if it's their "inexpensive" tier.

    Disney Transport: While free to resort guests, Disney Transport is a bit of a mess. My guess is that it is designed to be that way. After all, if you've got a couple thousand people tied up in the transportation system, that's a couple thousand people not crowding up the parks. My advice is to stay out of the system as much as possible... don't park-hop unless you absolutely have to. Stay at one park and do everything you want to do there before moving on. This could save you hours of wasted time waiting for and riding the busses.

    Disney Pricey: Once you step on to the Walt Disney World property, the cost of everything skyrockets. For my last several visits, I've packed a separate small suitcase full of snacks and drinks so I don't get nailed. Some expenses are unavoidable if you're staying at a resort property... like meals and WDW-branded souvenirs... but I end up saving quite a chunk of money when I don't have to pay for snacks there too.

    Disney Reservations: I'm not a very big "detail planner" when it comes to my vacations, but if you want to eat at many of Disney's finer restaurants (such as any of the Epcot World Showcase full-service restaurants, or any of the "deluxe resort" full-service restaurants... like Artist Point or Whispering Canyon Cafe at The Wilderness Lodge) you must make reservations because they get booked up very quickly. Fortunately, if you are a Disney guest, you can make your reservations up to 180 days in advance by calling 407-WDW-DINE. Furthermore, the concierge at your Disney resort can also help you with reservations if you get to them early enough! Whenever I go to Walt Disney World, I spend more time scheduling my lunches and dinners than I do anything else, and advise other people to do the same if they plan on eating at any of the finer restaurants there.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Christmas

    Posted on Thursday, December 20th, 2007

    Dave!This morning after I hauled my ass out of bed, I checked my email and saw that I had been forwarded a militant message encouraging people to TAKE BACK CHRISTMAS! The way you do this is to "wish as many people a MERRY CHRISTMAS as possible between now and December 25th." Apparently, this is to counteract the political correctness of people switching to "happy holidays" and "destroying the spirit of Christmas."

    I found this to be more than a little strange, and couldn't for the life of me figure out how randomly ambushing people with a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" was going to TAKE IT BACK.

    Not that I have anything against people saying "Merry Christmas" mind you.

    Here, reproduced in its entirety, is my entry for December 25th, 2005:

    There's nothing wrong with wishing people a Merry Christmas.
       
    Yet, it's quickly becoming almost taboo to do so, and I just don't get it.
       
    I don't wish people a "Merry Christmas" because I'm not a Christian and don't celebrate the holiday. But do I get gravely offended when people are kind enough to wish me a "Merry Christmas?" No. I do not. Why? Because they're being NICE. Because they're wishing me HAPPINESS. Because they're caught up in the spirit of their holiday and are being KIND. This happens so rarely in our bitter, cynical world that I find it impossible to understand how people could take offense... even if they don't celebrate Christmas.
       
    I mean, it's not like somebody's just told you to kiss their ass.
       
    And you just know that it's only a matter of time before some dumbass decides to sue somebody for wishing them a "Merry Christmas" (if it hasn't happened already). This is America, after all.
       
    Which leads me to this burning question: is it really so difficult to just say "thank you," accept the kindness in the spirit it was given, and then shut the f#@% up about it?
       
    Probably not. This is America, after all.

    So, while I fully support somebody's right to be wishing people a "Merry Christmas," you'll have to forgive me for not joining in on the jihad to TAKE BACK CHRISTMAS. Not just because I don't celebrate the holiday... but because this type of thing doesn't seem very much in keeping with the spirit of Christmas.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Boxers

    Posted on Friday, December 21st, 2007

    Dave!Hmmm... the TSA felt it necessary to inspect my suitcase.

    Somebody now knows that I wear Mickey Mouse boxer shorts.

    I'm in Spokane today, but not because I actually need to be in Spokane. When I changed my travel plans last week, planes were so overbooked that in order to get to San Francisco, I had to fly out of Spokane per my original itinerary. As if that weren't bad enough, I couldn't get a revised flight to Spokane on the 26th, so I'm flying back here on Christmas Day.

    But that's not the strange part.

    I somehow had it in my head that I was in Chicago just now.

    Possibly because the TV was tuned to Chicago news, but more likely because I've been traveling so much over the past six months that I can't keep it straight in my head where the heck I am at any given moment...

    Dave Travel 2007

    Almost hard to believe that I failed once again to qualify for platinum level on my frequent flier plan.

    But, then again, I did get to see some sweet scenery on the way over...

    Flight

    Flight

    Flight

    Oooh! You can see my home from here!

    I don't mind the flying so much... but all this up-and-down is wrecking havoc on my sinuses.

    I suppose that's my cue to get some sleep.

    Here's hoping, anyway.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Therapy

    Posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Why is it that everywhere I go, the weather turns uncharacteristically cold?

    Just one day after Belinda was lamenting the terrible heat in Orlando, I arrive and it's so cold that I'm having to wear a jacket. Now I arrive in San Francisco, where the weather is generally mild this time of year, and it's so cold that I'm wearing a sweatshirt plus a coat and gloves! Harsh! If I were back home, cold temperatures would be normal and I could deal with it... but here? It's a little more than depressing.

    Much like having your suitcase miss your connecting flight.

    But things like this are really to be expected on one of the busiest travel day of the year, so I'm not bitter.

    No, my bitterness comes from my flight out of Spokane this morning as I listen to the man in the row behind me talking to the woman he is sitting next to...

    SCARY MAN: Do you frighten easily?
       
    WOMAN: Uhhhh... no. Why? Is there something that's going to frighten me?
       
    SCARY MAN: I just want to let you know that the next noise you hear may sound like a wild boar sneaking up behind you, but it's not. So don't be frightened when you hear it...
       
    • • • SCARY MAN CUTS LOOSE WITH A MASSIVE, TOTAL PANTS-RIPPING FART • • •
       
    WOMAN: Oh my gawd!!
       
    SCARY MAN: See, no wild boars! You're safe!

    I mean... seriously... what the hell?

    It's very rare that I'm at a loss for words, but this is one of those moments. I was half-way considering turning around and saying "Do YOU frighten easily? Because the next noise YOU hear may sound like a foot being broken off in your stupid ass which, I assure you, it most certainly is."

    Some people just shouldn't be allowed to mingle with the general populace.

    And by "some people" I actually mean "most people."

    Anyway... after finishing up some work, I had a perfectly wonderful dinner with Dan from Therapy Beckons and his lovely girlfriend here in the city. Just the thing I needed to help me forget about cold weather, airplane farts, lost luggage, Britney Spears' child custody battle, and the George W. Bush presidency.

    Well, not really... but 4 out of 5 ain't bad.

       

    Bullet Sunday 61

    Posted on Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

    Dave!It's Bullet Sunday from the City by The Bay. Originally, I wanted to fly back home today, but there were no flights available, so I had to wait until tomorrow. Oh well. It's hard to complain about getting to spend a free day in San Francisco.

    • Lost Luggage. My missing suitcase was found and everything worked out okay after all. This makes me happy, because the last time I flew into San Francisco and my luggage was lost, I never saw it again.

    • Kentucky Girl. Once I had clean clothes at last, I took BART into the city so I could have lunch with Kentucky Girl today. It went something like this...

    Dave and Kentucky Girl

    Dave and Kentucky Girl

    Well, not really... but we did have sandwiches made by San Francisco's slowest deli where she tried to kill me with a potato chip. And then I took KG to Chinatown so I could introduce her to the crack cocaine substitute known as Golden Gate Fortune Cookies. After that, we shopped for crappy gifts and wandered around laughing our asses off until we ended up back at the BART station where we went our separate ways. Until we meet again my partner in cookie crime.

    • Vending Hell. I was going to grab a couple of slices of pizza for dinner, but didn't end up in a pizza kind of mood. I then decided to enjoy a hotel vending machine dinner and have a big breakfast instead. Armed with a stack of dollar bills, I headed to the vending vestibule and found... nothing good at all. Not even a Snickers. It was all weird brands of chips and cookies and crap. After trying a few bags of "snacks" and finding them repugnant, I suddenly find myself in a "pizza kind of mood" after all. But it's too late now, so I guess I'm having fortune cookies and a Coke for dinner. Good thing I bought four bags of them.

    • Death Scene. Bad Robert called to ask me if I had bought the Blu-Ray 5-disc set of Bladerunner (I had) and whether or not I had checked the fifth disc because there were manufacturing errors (I hadn't). After he told me that he was watching yet another version of the movie, he mentioned that Rutger Hauer's death scene was one of the best ever filmed. I agreed, at which point I had to mention that the most shocking and disturbing death scene I've ever seen in film was in Galaxy Quest when Quellek (Patrick Breen) dies while Alexander Dane (Alan Rickman) tries to comfort him after he's been shot. I was not expecting such a sad and touching moment in a comedy film, and it's haunted me ever since. Yet another reason I think Galaxy Quest is one of the most perfect (and underrated) movies of all time...

    Quellek
    "By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged!" Photo taken from The Questorian Site.

    • Beauty Beholder. And so I'm sitting here enjoying my fortune cookies and Coke when suddenly a commercial for Dell's XPS "all-in-one" iMac killer shows up on my television. They keep talking about how beautiful it is and I nearly choke to death laughing my ass off at the absurdity of it all. I mean... I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and aesthetics are all subjective and stuff... but this janky piece of plastic is supposed to be beautiful?? It's got all these freaky angles with ugly chunks hanging off of it, and looks like ass...

    Dell Shit
    IT'S STUNNING BECAUSE WE SAY SO, DAMMIT!!

    When you look at the stunning curves and elegant simplicity of the iMac, the Dell just looks like a cheap piece of 1980's junk in comparison...

    Apple Beauty

    I know I'm a Total Mac-Whore and everything, but this is just hilarious. Why is it that nobody can design a good-looking computer except Apple? Surely Dell can afford to hire designers who are capable of making an attractive computer for PC users? Or do they think they can just say something is "beautiful" and it makes it true? I'm stunned alright.

    And now I need to pack my suitcase so I can fly home in the morning for one night only. The jet-set lifestyle I lead is so glamorous.

       

    Glasses

    Posted on Monday, December 24th, 2007

    Dave!After one of the most painless travel days ever, I finally arrived home... for one night only. Tomorrow morning I re-pack my bags and head back out. Which is kind of a bummer, because I could use a few days at home.

    In other news... I'm old.

    I got a Happy Holiday card from Avitable, and I couldn't read it until I put on an old pair of reading glasses I found laying around. Then I started looking at books, magazines, and other stuff... and suddenly realized that I really need glasses now...

    Dave Glasses

    That's a heck of a reality check to have on a holiday.

    Where does the time go?

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Miracle

    Posted on Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

    Dave!A week ago today I was riding Splash Mountain at Disney World. That seems like it was months ago.

    And as I sit here in my hotel room with no heat (all that comes out is cold air) and no internet (it's Christmas, so they can't get anybody in to fix it) and no luggage (yeah, big surprise there)... I find myself questioning whether my brief Disney vacation was even real. Perhaps my mind invented it all so I'd have happier memories to cling to as I sit here cold, unconnected, and without clean clothes?

    I'm like some kind of freezing luddite hobo.

    But with an iPhone.

    It's a Christmas miracle!

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Nuthin'

    Posted on Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

    Dave!

    Nuthin'

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Economic

    Posted on Thursday, December 27th, 2007

    Dave!How can the economy be "strong" when so many businesses are struggling? Everywhere I go, I see stores shutting down or cutting their hours or laying off staff. Tonight I was sad to learn that a restaurant I like is closing next month. And there are a few shops I enjoy that I'm worried about too. If things keep going this way, small business owners will be a thing of the past. I can't help but be a little depressed about that.

    I'd ask if anybody is working on fixing our badly broken economy, but if politicians are deluded into thinking "everything is great" then I suppose they don't think there's anything to fix. This is a real pity, because the dollar is so weak in international markets now that my upcoming trip to Europe is looking downright depressing. Lodging is so pricey that there's barely money in my budget left to eat, let alone see or do anything interesting.

    Back in 2005, I made a graph comparing the value of the US dollar to the cost of toilet paper in Europe, and using that as an indicator of my vacation prospects...

    Blogography Dollar

    A quick check at Yahoo! Finance reveals that the dollar has plummeted even further since then...

    Dollar vs. Euro

    I suppose I should now be less concerned with being able to afford going to a museum or eating dinner, and more concerned with being able to afford to wipe my ass.

    Though I suppose I could always take a stack of US dollars with me to use as toilet paper.

    They're sure not good for much else outside this country anymore.

    Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink  9 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Malaise

    Posted on Friday, December 28th, 2007

    Dave!I'm not sick, but I feel like I am.

    For the third day in a row, I've barely been able to get motivated enough to climb out of bed in the morning. It's like I have no energy, and am tired all the time. When I was finally awake enough to start working at 8:30, I was in a zombie-like state and could barely function. A simple project that should have taken 30 minutes ended up taking over an hour to complete. Worried that I might never leave my hotel room, I forced myself out so I could have a "black bean burger" at Chili's. It was delicious, but didn't help. All I wanted to do was go back to bed...

    Dave Malaise

    But instead I spent the next six hours working my ass off in an attempt to get caught up before the weekend.

    To be honest, I don't know that I'm much further along than I was when I started. Being so badly unproductive is really depressing, and I'm getting worried that I'm not going to snap out of this funk any time soon.

    I need to hire somebody to give me a really good bitch-slapping.

    Unfortunately, looking under "B" in the Yellow Pages hasn't turned up any results.

    I suppose this must be a job for Craigslist?

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Hero

    Posted on Saturday, December 29th, 2007

    Dave!Is there anything more terrifying than having a few drinks and playing Guitar Hero?

    I suck ass at even the "easy" level, and alcohol doesn't seem to help.


    Dave Hero

    In happier news, I finally saw the film Kinky Boots and am absolutely astounded at the acting ability (flexibility?) of Chiwetel Ejiofor. The guy is amazingly talented. His role as "The Operative" in Serenity is by far my favorite, but his playing the transvestite "Lola" in Kinky Boots blew my mind. Now I am really wanting to see Dirty Pretty Things.

    Despite being rainy and a bit depressing, the weather in Seattle is still a massive improvement over Spokane.

       

    Bullet Sunday 62

    Posted on Sunday, December 30th, 2007

    Dave!It's the last Bullet Sunday of 2007! I am so ready for this year to be over.

    Guitar Hero. After a bit of practice, I finally got 100% on Pat Benetar's Hit Me With Your Best Shot on Guitar Hero 3. Thinking this meant I was ready to move up from "easy" level, I hopped up to "medium" difficulty and sucked horribly. I think I'm done with this game now, and get a bit depressed when I see videos on YouTube of kids hitting 100% with "expert" level on impossibly difficult songs. I shudder to think how much practice it takes to rock this hard.

    Presidential. Is it bad that I haven't decided on a presidential candidate yet? It seems everybody has made their choice except me. I really like Barack Obama after reading his book The Audacity of Hope, but am not 100% with him yet. On issues alone, I'm leaning toward McCain, but can never forgive him for abandoning our POWs (ironic since he was one), and would never vote for him. Rudy Giuliani got endorsed by televangelist whack-job hater Pat Robertson, which means I won't even consider him as a candidate. About the only thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to see Mike Huckabee in office... he seems to have little interest in representing ALL Americans as president. As if his blatant homophobia and tendency to speak out of ignorance about AIDS and other important issues wasn't bad enough, he just seems like a total jerk. I can't imagine how much worse our international relations would become with Huckabee in power, which is saying a lot after the complete and total devastation suffered under President Bush. Sigh. I loathe our two-party system, and feel we will never get the best person for the job in office so long as candidates have to cater to their political affiliations to get elected.

    Juno. Hands-down best movie of the year is Juno. What an amazing film, and what an astounding triumph for director Jason Reitman, who's previous film Thank You For Smoking was also genius. He seems to be taking a very different path than his father (Ivan Reitman, who hasn't had a decent film since Dave in 1993), and I can't wait to see what he does next.

    Watching. In other movie news... Zack Snyder, please please please don't screw this up...

    Watchmen Poster

    Eh... not a lot of bullets today, but there's not a lot going on right now. How totally cool is that?

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Happy

    Posted on Monday, December 31st, 2007

    Dave!Have a good one... be safe.

    Dave 2008

    Categories: DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

      Home  

    spacer
    Welcome:
    Blogography is a place to learn and grow by exposing yourself to the mind of David Simmer II, a brilliant commentator on world events and popular culture (or so he claims).
    Dave FAQ:
    Frequently Asked Questions
    Dave Contact:
    dave@blogography.com
    Blogography Webfeeds:
    Atom Entries Feed
    Comments Feed
    translate me
    flags of the world!
    lost & found
    Search Blogography:
    thrice fiction
    Thrice Fiction Magazine - March, 2011 - THE END
    I'm co-founder of Thrice Fiction magazine. Come check us out!
    hard rock moment
    Visit DaveCafe for my Hard Rock Cafe travel journal!
    travel picto-gram
    Visit my travel map to see where I have been in this world!
    badgemania
    Blogography Badge
    Atom Syndicate Badge
    Comments Syndicate Badge
    Apple Safari Badge
    Pirate's Booty Badge
    Macintosh Badge
    license
    All content copyright ©2003-2022
    by David Simmer II
       
    Creative Commons License
    This weblog is licensed under
    a Creative Commons License.
    ssl security