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Spider

Posted on Monday, October 30th, 2006

Dave!I've never had a day go so wrong so quickly.

Things started off well enough this morning... as I was getting ready to leave the apartment, I noticed a little spider on my shoe. "Hello little spider," I said. Then I carefully hopped to the door on one foot, then down the stairs, and shook him off into a nice bush where he could live out his days undisturbed. Killing living creatures is far easier than the alternative, so I always feel happy about little things like this. As I pulled out of my driveway, I was actually in a good mood despite it being a Monday...

Dave Spider Shoe

Until two minutes later when I got to the three-way stop on the way to work.

As I pulled up, there was a car just leaving to my right. I waited for him to exit the intersection and then pulled out because it was my turn to go.

Except some f#@%ing bitch behind him heard a train whistle and decided that she didn't want to get stuck at the train crossing. Oh no, she's too important for that. She decides she doesn't give a crap that it's MY F#@%ING TURN TO GO, and floors it into the intersection. This means I have to slam on my brakes which, in retrospect, pisses me off. I should have just plowed into her dumb-bitch ass and took the insurance claim. I clearly had the right-of-way, so she'd have to pay for it. Unless I killed her impatient ass, which would have been okay by me... I saved a spider this morning, so that's just balancing my karma.

But instead I rev up on her bumper and lay on my horn. I loathe the "c-word" but I was screaming it at the top of my lungs because the rage had totally blinded me at this point.

F#@%ING BITCH!!

Things just went downhill from there.

One of these days I am going to totally snap. Some asshole is going to pull something like this and I'm just going to go off the deep end. I'll follow them to wherever they're going, wait for them to get out of their car, and then run them down.

THEN BACK UP AND RUN THEM DOWN AGAIN JUST TO BE SURE THEY'RE DEAD!!! TOTALLY D-E-A-D, DEAD!!

It's going to take an entire week of meditation to get this out of my system and restore my wa...

Dave Wa

Whereas by "wa" I am referring to that most Japanese of words meaning peace, harmony, balance, and calm.

I am NOT referring to the fact that I wa-wa-wanted to f#@%ing kill that bitch*.

   

*I want that on the record in case I "accidentally" happen to "run into" her tomorrow morning.


Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. RW says:

    The worst failing would be to kill spider and kill human. A little better would be to save spider and kill human. Better than this is if you kill spider yet forgive human. But best of all is to save spider and forgive human.

    This is the wisdom of the Tao.

    Fuck it. Kill the bitch…

  2. Dave2 says:

    Considering that many of the philosophies I believe in equate ALL LIFE as being equally precious, I would tend to agree.

    My karma would be totally balanced.

  3. Ariana says:

    I save spiders too. 😉

  4. There’s a part of me that wants to buy you a bus pass so that you will never lose your wa again, but then I would miss seeing ZenDaveToon in all his splendor.

    Hope tomorrow is better!

  5. diane says:

    Here in Chicagoland, we have the extra bonus of asshole drivers who nearly kill the average pedestrian with an alarming regularity.
    Yesterday I was walking my friend’s (very small) dog and both he and I nearly got run over by a bimbo who was looking everywhere but at the STOP SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
    The worst part is that she is an aquaintance of mine, and somehow it made me doubly angry that I nearly got run over (with my friend’s little dog) by SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME!! GRRRR!
    Oh, the spider picture is too cute. 🙂

  6. Dave2 says:

    Ariana… Spiders rule!

    Frances… I don’t think my wa takes public transit. It’s one of those annoying “holier than thou” wa bastards! 🙂

    Diane… Been there, done that. 🙁

  7. Mooselet says:

    I tend to scream obscenities at people while I drive… like the dickhead who cut me off at the roundabout last week despite me having the right of way, then proceeded to get into the lane that was clearly marked as closed about 20 feet ahead of him so he could get 3 fucking cars in front of where he would’ve been! Don’t blame me if my kids learn colourful language, blame the asshole drivers with whom I must share the road! I’m with you, Dave – save the creepy-crawlies and kill the humans.

  8. Hilly says:

    So do you HAVE to meditate in the nude? That’s all I want to know.

  9. Dave2 says:

    Mooselet… I think it will work everywhere except in Texas. They tend to execute you for stuff like that.

    Hilly… Actually, Lil’ Dave is not nude. That’s just your naughty mind extrapolating. He actually meditates in his boxers, just like I do. 🙂

  10. When my normally mild-mannered Dad turned 30, he was a little grumpy about it. Some bitch cut him off and he followed her, stopping behind her at a stoplight. He proceeded to get out of the car, walk up to her car and fling open her door…asking her just what the f*!$ she thought she was doing. The thing is, he has a portwine stain on half of his face, and he had a big ’70’s white man ‘fro at the time…so there was this huge fuzzy-headed, semi-purplish faced man screaming at this woman at a stoplight.

    I know he no longer has the ‘fro…but I might be able to arrange for him to outsource if you are looking to scare the shit out of morning motorists without actually getting out of your car.

  11. Mark says:

    Have you tried counting to 10? Or 10,000 maybe? Anger management maybe? Weightlifting? Kickboxing? Some type of martial art? Yoga perhaps? Pilates? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

  12. ulala76 says:

    Darn, and here I was thinking that you were endorsing the SAY WA marketing campaign!!!!

  13. Kevin says:

    Buddhist, eh?

    Are you sure the Wa isn’t you buying into your state’s horrific self promotion? Say WAAAAAAA…

  14. Avitable says:

    Naked Lil Dave’s nipples are mesmerizing.

  15. diane says:

    Oh goodness, that linked story was terrible!! Good thing you don’t live in Chicago, your wa would be all sorts of messed up.
    And Hot Coffee Girl reminded me of the time a friend and I saw an old lady nearly get hit. She was also walking a dog, and had a (full) poop baggie with her. She flung the poop bag at the guy’s windshield! Ha ha! Go old lady!

  16. Chase says:

    Funny. I woke up this morning and a spider had made a little home in the right cup of my bra. Guess he was waiting for a little early-morning boob action.

    I saved him, too…though spiders creep me out more than anything.

    And, um, could you be a dear and email me a picture of Wa Dave as he’s starting to stand up and his legs are uncrossed? Thanks.

  17. Jeff says:

    I don’t know about Washington, but MN has that stupid-assed “no-fault” insurance where no matter who’s fault it is it’s EVERYBODY’S FAULT and we ALL have to pay! That then precludes us from being able to enjoy a no-fault revenge experience like the one you fantasized about.

  18. R Burgess says:

    It’s a lot easier to save spiders than humans.

    Partly because they don’t talk and let you know how possibly stupid they are. And partly because they kill other bugs.

    And I say those drivers have an “entitlement complex”. Usually they are seen driving “entitlement vehicles” like BMWs, Mercedes, Jags, and such. They have jobs that make them feel entitled, live in houses that show people they are entitled, and often act like they are entitled to the things they want.

    I don’t have any of those things, but I think I’m entitled anyway, just because I’m crazy. It’s hard for people to say “no” to me if they don’t know what I might do to them. 😉 I don’t want to admit I’m harmless to idiots.

    Well, that’s enough rambling. What a weirdo I sound like when I type!

    Anyway, take care,
    R
    Bipolar Housewife

  19. Laurence says:

    You do not obviously know the french proverb :
    “Araignée du matin, chagrin. Araignée du soir, espoir”.
    “Spider of morning, sorrow. Spider of evening, hope”.

    In any case, Dave, you are my hero. To save this small spider, I send thousand kisses of France to you. I hate the spiders, but I hate even more to kill them or to see someone who kill them !

    Now you can go to kill this person… And nothing says to us that she is human… So, if you kill her, you will not be prosecuted for murder !
    Think about it… 😀

    From France with looooove !!!

  20. I love when people take bugs outside rather than squishing them. It makes me feel all squishy inside.

    On the other hand, you shoulda squished that bitch. 😀

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