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Shriveled

Posted on Friday, September 1st, 2006

Dave!Today I had a craving for a cheddar on sourdough sandwich and decided to run home for lunch so I could make one. Usually I am too busy to go anywhere, but I was so relieved to have my appetite back that I didn't care.

You see, I've barely been able to eat anything for the past two days because I accidentally tuned in to a TV show about plastic surgery and completely lost my appetite because I couldn't stop watching.

On the show, some mother was giving both her daughters the gift of plastic surgery for their birthdays (or whatever). The 17-year-old just wanted breast implants, which was horrifying enough. The older sister wanted a "blue-plate special" which involved getting breast implants, nipple relocation, liposuction to her neck and torso, and HUGE F#@%ING CHUNKS OF HER BODY CUT OFF OF HER STOMACH! I am not joking... they cut off these massive slabs from her stomach region, then sewed her back together. It was all pretty brutal, because they nearly had to turn her in-side-out to do the work. I nearly died.

And, if you read this entry, then you already know what happened to my testicles...

Dave Balls

What's bizarre is that they left her arms and legs untouched, so this is what happened...

Plastic Body

Sure she was overweight before, but now she's disproportionately weird-looking with jumbo arms and legs on a slimmed-down torso (and breasts that look like balloon animals). They never showed her ass, but I'm guessing it's the same story since they didn't liposuction it. I hope everything evens out eventually because... uhhhh... yikes! She looked better before the surgery.

And it all begs the question: WHY DO THEY PUT THIS FREAKY SHIT ON TELEVISION, AND WHY CAN'T I TURN THE CHANNEL WHEN THEY DO?!? Nothing good can come from watching it! Nothing!

My appetite may be back to normal, but I think my testicles have a few days yet before they are back to their usual massive girth.


Categories: Television 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Wayne Hall says:

    I just had the greatest idea.

    DieTV

    It’s for diets. It shows gross stuff that makes you lose your apetite. You lose weight. You might even do some purging (thrown in for free). The advertisers would be the junk food that people would eventually eat, which they can dietarily afford since they’re eating so much less.

  2. Foo says:

    Hi Dave, Snackie sent me :o)I love your blog!
    Sadly enough…I stayed up uber late watching the same train wreck of a show. It was wrong on so many levels. Skin icebergs with a side of liquid fat. Your drawings are spot on…flatter tummy, ginormous bresticles and massive arms and legs. That will be 40 grand thank you very much.

  3. adena says:

    That’s nothing.

    Have you seen “Things Removed From the Body” on the Discovery Channel??

    Talk about not being able to look away.

    You know, in all the impalings, things stabbed through eyes, etc….I think the thing that got to me most was the least gory.

    However….it was a lady that had gone to Costa Rica, and came back w/ a sore on her head. It swelled up, and she went to the doctor….

    Only to discover SHE HAD A LIVE MAGGOT GROWING UNDER HER SCALP!!!!

    She got bit by a tsetse fly, and it laid an egg under her scalp. Tsetse fly larva is like 3 times the size of a normal maggot.

    Oh god, I’m shivering just thinking about it….

  4. RW says:

    cheddar on sourdough… chunks of stomach… saggy women with perky tits… baseballs in a baggie…

    If Blogography can’t satisfy you… you can’t be helped.

  5. jacquie says:

    hahahahahahaha. I saw this one a couple months ago. I couldn’t stop watching either. Part of me wanted to but the other part didn’t. I love the graphic. It is right on. I was wondering the same thing. Why just do the boobs and tummy and leave all the rest fat and dimpled? And didn’t she say she had tried dieting and excercising but nothing worked. That’s BS. There was no sign of fitness on that girl what-so-ever! Anyway, I’m glad you’re finally getting your appetite back.

  6. sultana says:

    ******another gross story********
    I know what you mean about not being able to look away. I read this article once about a guy in prison. It turns out that while he was sleeping a roach crawled into his ear and laid eggs. He ended up with a huge goiter-type thing on his neck, and one of his cell-mates decided to cut it open. Maggots came spilling out!

    blech!!!!

  7. Kapha says:

    ROFL!! 😀

    Dang, Dave – those baseball images are HILARIOUS!! 😀

    Did you ever see the World’s Largest Tumor?

    I remember seeing this long ago on TV. Apparently there was all kinds of random growth going on in this thing, including hair and *teeth*. The little cells just went bonkers and kept creating things! 303 POUNDS!!

    I didn’t put up a link I found where they took a giant maggot out of a woman’s scalp – figured you need to eat tomorrow. 😉

  8. Mooselet says:

    Oh man, you guys are putting me off my mac-n-cheese.

    Many years ago I was crashing at my brother’s apartment and fell asleep while watching a vasectomy reversal on the Discovery Channel. My poor brother came home while it was still on and was horrified, while I slept blissfully unaware I was traumatizing the poor man. I’m not sure if his balls ever recovered.

  9. Not *exactly* removed from the human body:
    I had a friend who liked to partake of the smoke that is not exactly legal. One day he could not find his pipe. He searched and searched, but no luck. Later on that day he lay down to take a nap and felt a sharp pain in his scalp. He reached up and, voila, pulled the pipe out of his dreadlocks.

  10. EDDIE says:

    One day, I saw this doctor from Russia doing liposuction to his own body looking at the mirror. It was from CNN so it was very short like less than 10 sec. But I’ll never forget that. Gross!

  11. Kyra says:

    Wow, you put up one scary story, and look how everyone helps you! They tell you much worse ones in hope that you’ll be grateful you didn’t see what they did! 🙂 LOL I love it. It’s like when someone tastes something horrible, and then they say to everyone else “here, taste this!”

    On the show note, I think I saw that one too a while back. (I’m thinking with the huge chest they inflated on her they probably couldn’t do anything about the arms, legs and butt – they need SOMETHING to counter balance her, so her new thin waist isn’t snapped in half!) But why even put yourself on TV that way? Most women I know get upset if they get caught without makeup on camera… imagine being naked and inside out?!!? UGH!

  12. nic says:

    I am soooo hungry right now!

  13. wlfryke says:

    Came here fron Neil’s blog…Very funny illustrations..However, COME ON…why would a overweight female concentrate on her boobs, her abs and neck area??…Huh??? I wonder…since most guys are looking just for a kind and good soul…You are very funny though…and if I had lipo…well, nevermind!

  14. Jenny says:

    I used to be mildly obsessed with those makeover shows, until I saw one where they were giving this woman a nose job and used a hammer and chisel to reshape her nose. I just dry heaved a little remembering the sound…

    GAK!

  15. Laurence says:

    A) I like the reference : Field of dreams… Good movie, original scenario, magnificient light, brillant actors, production shows intelligence.

    B) I am so sorry that your phobia has a harmful effect on your body!!!

    C) With the surgery, it is often the problem. People looked better before the surgery.

    D) I think that your questions are not in the right order.
    1-Why do they put this freaky merde on TV? Human nature. We don’t want, but we see it nevertheless.
    2-Why can’t I turn the channel when they do? A TV chief executive officier admited :
    “My job? To help Coca-Cola, for example, to sell.
    The method? An advertisement has to be perceived. So, the brain must be receptive. Our TV programs have a vocation. Our TV programs are cut to make the human brain receptive. We sell free brain time to Coca-Cola.”

    This is food for thought, isn’t it ?
    (I hope you understand because it was hard to translate this !)

  16. Kelly P. says:

    Maybe I should turn on the Discovery Channel or watch a makeover show! Sounds like a good diet plan to me! 🙂 I could stand to lose a few pounds WITHOUT it being sucked out of my body!

  17. Eve says:

    There’s no way I would have been able to look away from this show. I am fascinated by weight loss, no matter how it happens; but weight loss where the person doesn’t look awesome afterward? I’d watch that every day, because that baffles my mind.

  18. karla says:

    Ok, so how the hell did I miss that original balls post? I mean, really?

  19. karla says:

    Dude. I get wigged out looking at PASTA. Looks like worms. Couldnt eat fava beans for months after Silence of the Lambs.

    My brother was in the hospital once, after his motorcycle wreck, and I passed out cold TWICE the first half hour visiting him. Me? Wimp. Big wimpy wimp.

    My testicles just shrunk too, just thinking about watching a plastic surgery show (remember that show The Swan? Oy.). Or, at least, the girl equivalent of testicles just shrank. my ovaries, maybe?

  20. CrankMama says:

    I like her “before” picture better.

  21. Plunky(Deb) says:

    Ok, I am working on a surgery show right now for Discovery. Do you know that there are people out there that we call “gore addicts”? There are people that are actually addicted to gore and their favorite and most accessable means to get their fix now is surgery shows. We have to actually scale back our surgery footage as to not attract these people. Isn’t that crazy?? I’m with you. Blood makes my balls shrivel too.

    My metaphorical balls that is. That is a whole other surgery story.

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