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Baguette

Posted on Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

Dave!The replacement for my dead Mac Pro arrived today and works flawlessly. This means that my day has been spent setting up the machine, installing software, and not much else.

Oh... except I killed a man.

Sadly, his death wasn't permanent. It was imaginary. The good news is that I am not going to prison for murder, the bad news is that the rude bastard is still alive. I do, however, maintain that anybody who cuts in line at the bakery deserves to die, and I was perfectly within my right to bludgeon him with a baguette until he was dead, DEAD, DEAD!!

Bloody Baguette

Except that there wasn't a baguette at hand, and so I stood there silently trying to burn a hole in the back of his head with my secret mental powers.

And isn't that always the case? There's never seems to be a baguette around when you need one.


Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Mark says:

    I prefer something a little more substantial if I’m going to beat someone to death. Like a baseball bat or lead pipe.

  2. Dave2 says:

    A lead pipe and a baseball bat… in a bakery??

    Hmmm. I’m afraid the most lethal thing available in our bakery is a donut. Or maybe a cookie.

    I still think you could do some serious damage with a baguette… so long as it had been sitting out for a while. 🙂

  3. Randy says:

    I recently had a cut-in also…Just this last Saturday. It was at the large Kirkland-owned big-box store…I was standing in line at the tire department waiting for it to open. It was a whole half hour before opening, and I was still way down in the line.

    So when the place opens, a guy (who’s wife was BEHIND me in line) cuts in front of me. In his broken English accent, he explained that his wife WAS there but left…but nonetheless, deserved his spot back. I was flabbergasted…(and really pissed off)…I just wasn’t prepared for such a Saturday morning confrontation and not prepared to fight for my place…so I decided I would only fume more, waiting next to this creep, and left. I didn’t need the tires THAT day. (If only I had a tire iron handy, though…)

    Cut-ins just plain suck.

  4. See, this is the exact instance when I’m actually grateful I have to use a cane. People don’t cut in front of you (they actually try and get you to cut in front of them) or if they do, you have a weapon at the ready.

  5. Kapha says:

    I’ve noticed an increasingly annoying trend whereby if there are two lines of people waiting at two different cashiers, new people to arrive will go to the line that is shorter even though they realize they are cutting in front of someone who has been waiting in the other line longer. If the difference is small (like 3 vs. 2) this is not a big deal, but if it’s larger and especially if it JUST happened, it’s rude. They should ask the person waiting the longest if they would like to go ahead.

    It’s like they think it’s an acceptable form of cheating to skank in there.

    To me what’s even funnier is if I wait “inbetween” two lines like this – where there is an obvious area to do so – people seem unable to grasp the simple concept of a queue – like a bank queue – whereby the person who has been waiting the longest overall goes to the next available cashier. SIMPLE COMMON SENSE.

    I’ve actually explained this to people who become incredibly pissed off – like I’m somehow cheating them of the opportunity to cheat someone else!

    My conclusion:

    People are so stressed out they are unconsciously regressing to the tribal basics. You can see this everywhere. Thus if they can “sneak ahead” of someone they feel they have somehow inched up the totem pole a notch.

    How pathetic is that?

    The problem:

    Multiply this times millions of people and you get the world as we know it in 2006.

    Dave: I’ve heard a breadstick can be a lethal weapon if properly used. One of those martial art things.

  6. Mooselet says:

    Leave an ordinary baguette out for a couple of hours and it becomes a deadly weapon, no doubt about it.

    I used to fume when people cut in front of me, now I’m just a rude bitch and say something. Gets me dirty looks and rude words, but I get served first.

  7. Mark says:

    No, no, no. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Wait for the rude bastard outside the bakery, then beat him with the weapon of your choice. Or, there’s always the trusty bitch slap. Ooh! Or, you can start taking a “walking stick” with you when you’re running errands. Then, your “walking stick” becomes a “punisher stick.”

  8. Chanakin says:

    Who cuts in line anymore? It’s so…. passé

    It goes beyond “didn’t your momma teach you no manners?” to “what are you? Twelve?”.

  9. Göran says:

    I watched Goldfinger (again) the other night. There’s a vicious lady with a stiletto shoe in there. Something like that could come in handy!?

    Lethal, easily hidden. Fast.

  10. Avitable says:

    The toon reminded me of Paul the Samurai from The Tick. He hides his sword in a baguette.

  11. EDDIE says:

    How can I learn your secret mental power?

  12. James Bow says:

    I would have at least said, in a loud voice to attract the attention of other people in line: “excuse me, but there’s a line, and I was here first.”

    Works for me. 🙂

  13. MRKisThatKid says:

    Maybe your burn hole in head powers have a slightly delayed affect and a few hours later, whilst studying the latex masks in a seedy sex shop the guy suddenly collapsed from a pronounced case of head hole. Check the local news station.

  14. yellojkt says:

    Baguettes seem kinda small to do the job. A cruller or a croissant might do in a pinch, but I nice long loaf of Cuban bread would be the best choice.

  15. Karl says:

    Man, I wish I had the Scanners power. Course, I don’t know how many people would still be alive. My threshold for getting annoyed would probably get lower and lower as I zapped more and more people for annoying me. “I cannot BELIEVE you just looked at me!” BLAMMO!

  16. kapgar says:

    I’ve always wondered if anyone else felt the same way about the homicidal nature of baked goods as I do. Apparently so.

    Larger sourdough rounds filled with soup and recapped are the pacifist’s Molotov Cocktail. Seriously.

  17. Chase says:

    Buddhism Dave-style :

    – nonviolence, but ok when carried out with edible items

    – the middle way, unless the middle is achieved by cutting in line

    – lack of self, unless that self has secret mental powers of DEATH!

    Namaste, Dave. I’m in!

  18. Arwen says:

    I am inspired to write my ‘why I embarass my husband’ story about a visit to my favorite bakery before I had any coffee.
    You are just an inspiration.

  19. NetChick says:

    Death by baguette… How original! I like it! I wonder if the whole wheat would be more effective?

  20. Jeff says:

    Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby!

    An exciting day in the Simmer (II) household I’m sure!

  21. Laurence says:

    I have a feeling that I play to Cluedo.
    “I suggest it was Dave in the bakery with the baguette”. Cluedo could add the baguette as possible murder weapons. There are some hard that they could easily replace baseball bat !
    To tolerate or not to tolerate the f@#?ing line cutters ? It depends how the f#@?ing line cutters do that…
    … I lied… NOT TO TOLERATE THE F@#?ING LINE CUTTERS !!! 😀

  22. Eve says:

    I read this entry from my new phone while commuting to work on the bus this morning. It was NOT an easy task. I kept getting “memory errors.” When I finally got it to load, I tried to leave a comment. That was another 20 minute event. Typing it wasn’t a problem, but getting it accepted was! Even though I properly filled out all areas as specified, I was DE-NIED. It said that either I was leaving too many comments (I hadn’t) or that I missed a field (I didn’t). Bummer!!!

    So there you have it, my first Web browsing through phone. It was not a success. I figured I’d try it, since it’s free for the first month, but I doubt I’ll get the Web service afterward.

    Oh, and so I’m not completely self-absorbed here, sorry about the cutsies incident, and yippee for the new Mac Pro!

  23. Dave2 says:

    Yeah, sorry about that. In order to post comments, JavaScript MUST be enabled. I use a JavaScript program to filter spam, and so commenting doesn’t work for phones and other embedded devices that don’t have it.

    It’s really sad, but I get THOUSANDS of pieces of spam every day, so I don’t have much choice. 🙁

    I really should add a line to my comments section explaining it.

    Eventually, I will be adding a “mobile” page for Blogography, which will hopefully solve these problems for people wanting to read via Blackberry, mobile phone, or other hand-held device.

  24. Wayne Hall says:

    Hoo-ray for supporting mobile devices (on one now).

    Today at lunch, after getting in the car, @$$wipe pulls up two spaces away, gets out of the car, throws his cigarette on the ground, stomps on it and walks into the Taboo Lingerie store a couple spaces down from Plucker’s (great wing restaurant in Austin, TX). My typical response to this is to get out, pick it up and hand it back to the person, letting them know they dropped something. Today was even better because he cracked his window down just enough for me to pop the cigarette butt back in the car.

    I think maybe he thought he was leaving enough room for the hot air to escape. What a moron.

    Like the world is his ashtray!

  25. Rabbit says:

    I’m sure the baguette would kill him . . . eventually. Carbs are bad, you know.

  26. Hilly says:

    Oooh that is a great secret power! Mine is the ability to become oblivious to crowds of children, like say at Disneyland. Karl thought that the park was really jam-packed but in my super-power views, nah…not so much 😉

  27. Mrs RW says:

    Another benefit of using a baguette…you eat the murder weapon and there is no evidence to convict you!

  28. ChillyWilly says:

    Congrats on getting the Mac Pro up and going. Now we just need Universal Binary from Adobe for their CS.

  29. Belinda says:

    Someone’s got to say it: It would take a really, really long time to kill someone with a baguette, even a really stale one, and probably even longer to do him in with just the power of your mind. Sorry.

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