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Posted on Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

Dave!Despite the wildly homicidal fantasies you read here on Blogography, I am not a violent person.

This is not by choice.

It comes down to the fact that I was cursed with mind-bogglingly vast intelligence instead of the muscle needed to adequately enforce a violent lifestyle. It's a trade-off I have long-since accepted. Sure I may not be able to kick your ass, but I can probably talk you into kicking your own ass for me... I'm just that smart.

I am telling you all of this because it is important that you have the proper perspective for what I am about to say...

IF I EVER MEET THE SADISTIC BMW ENGINEER BASTARD WHO DESIGNED THE BATTERY ACCESS FOR MY F650-GS MOTORCYCLE, I WILL RIP HIS TESTICLES OFF, NAIL THEM TO A BOARD, THEN BEAT HIM ON HIS HEAD WITH IT REPEATEDLY UNTIL HIS EYES POP OUT.

I mean seriously... the absolutely ridiculous way you have to tear apart the bike's entire faring assembly and then juggle a drain tube and the rubber restraining strap to get to the battery is just plain stupid. THIS is the best that famed German engineering could come up with?

I've been having problems with my battery, and decided to remove it so I can check fluid levels and make sure it's charging properly. I don't know if it did any good, but I still wanted to install it back into my motorcycle and see if it was any better. But because of all the stupid crap you have to juggle any time you mess around in there, I dropped one of the connecting bolts...

...and then spent the next hour trying to find it. All without success. So now I've got a bolt bouncing around somewhere, and still don't know if it's my battery, my voltage regulator, or any one of a hundred other things that is f#@%ing up my motorcycle. I finally gave up when the sun went down. Now all I can do is dream of the horrendous torture I will unleash upon the idiot responsible for the grotesquely flawed design of the battery housing. He really must die... and die ugly.

A pity my fantasies of torture are such a small consolation considering I don't get to ride to work tomorrow.

Movie Quotable of the Day: "There are times for falling apart... and there are times for gettin' funky. This is one of them funky times. So what's it gonna be? You ready to play some funky music, white boy?"
Yesterday's Answer: The Whole Nine Yards (2000) with Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry.

Categories: MotorcyclesClick To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. karla says:

    I’m scared.
    And glad I don’t have testicles.

  2. Peggy Archer says:

    It didn’t used to be like that.. In college, I had an older BMW bike, and it was put together really, really well – Easy to get to stuff, easy to replace, a dream to work on.

    If it’ll make you feel any better, it’s not just BMW. All vehicles today are a pain in the ass to service. A friend of mine has a Porsche that, in order to change the spark plugs, one must PULL THE ENGINE. Insane.

  3. Dianah says:

    Men, i just wanna say that you are trully funny, i laugh here or about 10 minutes …

    Kisses and glad that i donΒ΄t have balls ( stealing the idea from Karla …hehehehe )

  4. kemahbum says:

    Hey, testicles. Don’t you go blaming BMW for that drill. If memory serves me, BMW buys the F650 from another builder, to plug a hole in their line-up. Not to change the subject, but why would you own an F650? Do you plug your ears and say la la la, when those wonderful, GS boxers sing their siren song.

  5. Dave2 says:

    The original “Funduro” model on which the F650 I own is based, was originally a joint-venture between BMW and Aprilia out of Italy (with an engine out of Austria, of all places!). But the later models (like mine) were designed and built by BMW Germany at Berlin-Spandau (I know, because I’ve been there). So the blame for the idiotic battery accessibility is all BMW. Apparently, enough owners complained that now they’ve changed it in the newest model.

    I bought a F650GS because I wanted a dual-sport. I live in a mountain valley which is surrounded by excellent trails for dirt riding, and I wanted a bike that would let me take advantage of that. But, in order to save gas $$$ for local trips, I also needed more than a dirt bike, so I could ride on the highways. The F650 GS does a great job of allowing me to ride in both environments, and is a lot of fun. Yeah, eventually I’d like a motorcycle that’s more comfortable for distance riding, but I can only afford one bike payment a month, so I am perfectly happy with what I’ve got.

    And I’m not alone. Many adventure riders choose the F650 for their ride. A woman got in the Guinness Book of World Records a couple years ago for making a ’round-the-world trek… her motorcycle of choice for the journey through 69 countries and seven continents over 2000 days? An F650. Oh yeah.

  6. BMW sucks says:

    I’ve been having a major issue with my battery as well. Its a really cheap 1910 type battery. I’d rather pay an extra 100 bucks and get a damn sealed one but there are no sealed batteries that fit that bike. Bike has been in the shope for 2 months. Let me see what sort of compensation to expect. The bike when it runs is great for city riding. But sitting in the garage and not being able to start the damn thing is annoying.

  7. Colleen says:

    Hi Dave…I just popped online to see if I could find some general info out there on changing my ’03 F650GS battery to print out for a friend who is kind enough to change it for me this weekend. I’m successfully scared now, thank you!! =P Any suggestions, aside from keeping my distance while he attempts to change the battery?!?

  8. Stijn Spijker says:

    It’s not all that hard to get to ???

    Just screw off the sideplates (with 5 screws?)

    Then take them off, then take the rubber band off, which is easy too, and then take out the battery ?

    Don’t know what you had all the trouble for πŸ˜€

    And if you want to get out the screw, just put your motor on his side πŸ™‚ (No, it won’t break in two;))

  9. Dave2 says:

    You obviously have a different model than I do… mine requires the ENTIRE casing to be removed, which is a heck of a lot more than “five screws.”

  10. Ah, okay, I was wrong, 6 screws πŸ˜› Take a look at the following picture.

    The top two screws near the bearings of the steering, then the two on top of the battery, then the two that are at the end below the seat. Then stretch them apart a bit, and you’re at the battery :).

    I can imagine it’s a fuss when you just need to jump start though..

    Anyways, 2 years later, still got the same bike? πŸ˜›

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