Blogography: Parenting

Parenting

Posted on February 2, 2012

Dave! After work I had to go to the grocery store.

And while I hate shopping of any kind, I'd have to say that shopping for groceries is the worst. Probably because, unlike the joy of shopping for sayyyyyy... a flamethrower, nobody likes to shop for groceries. They're expensive and boring. What's to love?

But I needed hamburger buns and chocolate milk, so off I went.

Where I had a more miserable time than usual thanks to some really bad parenting going on.

Usually when I see parents who don't seem to know what they're doing with their children, I refer them to my best-selling book, Minding Your Kids in Public for Dumbasses...

Minding Kids for Dumbasses

But, because I am feeling generous this evening, I am going to provide an excerpt with some critical insight on child-rearing for FREE! Yes, that's right... I'm giving away FREE PARENTING ADVICE! Just one of the many benefits of being a Blogography reader, yo.

CHAPTER SIX: SHOPPING

Here is a blueprint of a typical grocery store. And here's you shopping for frozen pizza back in the frozen foods aisle...

Grocery Store Blueprint: YOU

And here are your kids way over here going ape-shit in the bakery aisle...

Grocery Store Blueprint: YOUR KIDS

GUESS WHAT? YOU FUCKING FAIL AS A PARENT!

NOW PUT DOWN THAT DAMN PIZZA AND GO MIND YOUR FUCKING KIDS, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!

Otherwise they might get abducted.

Though this is probably not a bad thing. Then at least somebody would be watching them.

No need to thank me. Knowing that I'm making civilization a better place is enough for me!

Category Tracker: DaveLife 2012

Comments

You have not shopped at Berkeley Bowl because those parents were totally on their job.

I on the other hand have still not recovered from that one kid a few years ago. He weaved his way between the carts lined up at the various checkouts. Oh and if there wasn't enough room, he would just shove that cart back into you. Then his parents were ready for checkout. In front of me. Somehow this child thought that it was cool to put his germ infested hands on everything that I had put down on the belt. His parents were oblivious so I finally gave the child that look. The look that said "I will kill you slowly if you touch any of my food again." Worked perfectly. He went to cower behind his parents.

Posted by Kailyn on February 02, 2012 | Reply

You TOTALLY need to add a chapter to your book about bringing your kids to a tattoo studio. Then send me about 1000 of them.

Posted by Erik Rubright on February 02, 2012 | Reply

Sounds like a TV show in the making. Abduction Parenting. We abduct your children for a week and tell them to f***king behave.

Posted by Invader_Stu on February 03, 2012 | Reply

First of all, I love going grocery shopping. I know I'm totally in the minority, but my husband and I have always gone together and we've always had fun doing it. I can't explain, but 'tis true.

Second of all, thanks for the free parenting advice. Our son isn't quite old enough to be causing disturbances in public, but rest assured, if he starts causing trouble, we'll be putting a stop to that quickly. 'Bad' parents who have no regard for their children's safety and no respect for the rest of the planet's sanity make me crazy. I certainly won't be one of 'those' dads. :-)

Posted by AjohnP on February 03, 2012 | Reply

So... maybe it's because I have my own kids, but if I see something that bad, I will snap out a sharp "Knock it off, NOW!" at the kids going bonkers. I have zero tolerance for that crap. I'm tired too, I have kids too, but guess what? I'm responsible if I'm feeling good, OR down with the plague, it doesn't matter. Although, my kids have never done anything like that, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, being that I was blessed with the Stepford children (that shoe is gonna drop eventually, this just isn't natural.)

Posted by Kyra Wilson on February 03, 2012 | Reply

I love it when I give kids the death stare and they just freeze. It's sad that all it really takes is a little direction and some parents can't manage to muster the energy to bother.

Posted by Megan on February 03, 2012 | Reply

OMG, I need at least one copy FedExed to suburban Philadelphia before they visit again. Is this available as an audio book so they can listen on the plane?

Posted by Gary on February 03, 2012 | Reply

This is why you remind me of Jack Kirby. You put so much detail into what's basically a throw-away gag. The blueprints are great, but it's the labels and the chairs & tables that put it over the top. I got so distracted by the blueprints you'd've thought they were boobs or something. Nice work.

Posted by bo on February 03, 2012 | Reply

Um... yeah... downloaded a floorplan off the internet. But I DID spend five minutes cleaning it up and making it look like a blueprint, so there's that! :-)

Dave2 replied to comment from bo on February 03, 2012 | Reply

Maybe the frozen pizza is a surprise for the kids because they have been so good and the mom just wants to put it in the basket with the kids seeing it...

Nah, it's just being a lazy fucking parent.

Posted by martymankins on February 03, 2012 | Reply

We just need to hand out giant, "YOU FAIL AS A PARENT" papers for the assholes.

Posted by Sybil Law on February 03, 2012 | Reply

Man, as much as I would love to tell so many people that they are failing as parents when I see shit like this, the retort is always the same: "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE."

Whatever.

Posted by Iron Fist on February 03, 2012 | Reply

Yeah, the hooligans got away from me. Sorry 'bout that! ;)

Posted by shari on February 04, 2012 | Reply

Could you pretty please write an all inclusive Parenting for Dummies book? As a former preschool teacher, I have seen enough awful parenting to last me a lifetime (and prevent me from teaching ever again - I hope).

Posted by Michelle M. on February 05, 2012 | Reply

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