It's horrible to have your ass explode any where, thank you very much. Even in the hospital where they expect it. Not that it happened to me there recently, mind you.
Turns out that when all you can eat is crappy stuff like carrots and rice cakes, you don't really have much of an appetite.
I spent much of the day forcing myself to eat tiny meals at 2 hour intervals so I stay full, but most of the time I just wasn't interested. Pineapple slices, almonds and apple juice for breakfast. Rice cake and raisins for after-breakfast snack. An apple and Pineapple-Orange juice for before-lunch snack. A salad with grape tomatoes, tofu, and Vinaigrette plus a rice cake and water for lunch. Carrots and almonds as an after-lunch snack. A banana as a before-dinner snack. Rice cakes with Spanish rice and tomatoes on top plus mango-pineapple juice for dinner.
And I never wanted to eat any of it, because none of it sounded remotely tempting (though it all tasted okay).
But that's alright. Because tomorrow I have to drive to Spokane and I will cheat on my restrictive diet. I will cheat because Spokane is home to the best pizza on earth, and I would rather die than visit there and not eat some of it. But I will only have one slice, and I won't drink a soda with it, so hopefully it won't mess things up too much.
Nobody tell my doctor.
A lot of people made note of what I'm eating and were concerned about two things... protein and my bowels.
The protein isn't too big of a deal. This diet is only a two-week trial, and I'm eating almonds and tofu to make sure I don't collapse.
And my bowels are fine, thank you for asking.
Apparently many people commented that eating all those fruit and vegetables would cause "intestinal distress," yet I've experienced no such problems. But the week is young. This is not to say I won't be giving a presentation or something when all of a sudden my bowels act up...
Then I guess my ass is just supposed to explode all over the place...
As fun as that all sounds, I think my bowels will be happy to keep it all contained.
At least I hope so.
Wouldn't it be horrible to be driving in the middle of nowhere (i.e. Eastern Washington State) and have your ass explode?
LOL, your eating day sound like a hobbit. Ya know, "breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, afternoon tea, supper, dinner", etc.
I know I'm such a geek.
Posted by Michelle on August 27, 2008 | Reply
Michelle - I was so thinking the same thing about Hobbits...Geeks Unite!
Dave - That Da Vinci pizza looks truly amazing and worth the minor digression off the Hobbit diet. As for the exploding ass - Ewwww
Posted by Darci on August 27, 2008 | Reply
They have car johns for when you have to pee on the road. I wonder what they make for exploding bowels (besides Depends)
Posted by ChillyWilly on August 27, 2008 | Reply
I'm thinking that if people are OK with the hookers and the cocaine, a little ass explosion isn't going to be too off-putting.
Posted by You can call me, 'Sir' on August 27, 2008 | Reply
ok really everyone should thank me right now because i will not be sharing my exploding ass stories. that is right people, storieS.
you are welcome.
Posted by hello haha narf on August 27, 2008 | Reply
Is it weird that the first thing I thought when I finished your blog is who'd clean out the car if your bowels exploded? There is so much I could have focused on in this post and instead I'm wondering how the car would get clean. That's such an odd thing to focus on.
While I always enjoy your posts... it's the cartoons that go with them just murder me!
Posted by Justin Scott on August 27, 2008 | Reply
oh dave, i am so disappointed in you. all that money on hookers and coke but not a single dime for booze or grass.
*sigh*
i suggest calling ahead to make sure they have a slice of da vinci for you.
you know, seeing how as you're gonna have to limit yourself to just one slice.
Explosing asses are NEVER a good thing! Hope your doctors are able to figure out what's going on with all of this torture that they're putting you through!
I, personally, will be visiting my doctor to find out if I'm having gall bladder issues. Pain, Pain, Pain! Nausea! Oh the Agony!
If you go Highway 2 there are more options for bathrooms/emergency pit stop hidey places, but if you go Hwy 90 you might make it there quicker...
Decisions, decisions-
I'd go Hwy 2, better scenery and more pit stop spots (just in case).
Why are the docs torturing you anyway?
Posted by awytch on August 27, 2008 | Reply
Wow. Um. Ass explosion. Illustrated and stuff.
I need to go throw up now. Thanks.
Posted by Coal Miner's Granddaughter on August 28, 2008 | Reply
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