Picture a verdent field of softly waving grass under a perfect summer sun... the air is warm yet cools when the breeze shifts direction... in the evening there are cicadas in their mechanical rhythm, letting even a blind man know the bliss of summer is at its apex... a scent of lilac... a guitar from a nearby building with every note in tune and soft... there are no planes in the sky... and only a few wisps of clouds that don't seem to move no matter how long you stare at them.

You feel the giving sun stroke your neck gently like a feather... the harmless buzzing sound of a bee on his errands... soft wisps of hair landing on your arm... a slight tickle... and then a goddamn fucking bitchslapping STINGER FrOm tHE assHOLE Bee who Thinks Your soap ISa Goddamn flower!!! KIIILLLLLLLLLL!! Jump! Whack!! YOU BASTARD! moTHEr...

slowly gather your breath... reform the chi that is your life force... exhale... relax...

Picture a verdant field of softly waving grass...

Posted by RW on August 03, 2006 | Reply

I love the rating warning! I wish I had known about FOADT when I wrote my Big Bag Of Suck list a few weeks back. It fit so well!

As for all these dumbasses, I also wish upon them a speedy death, with much fuck-offery.

Posted by FrancesDanger on August 03, 2006 | Reply

"LEFT-HAND PASSING LANE DRIVERS... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!"

Amen, my brother!!

Posted by jodi on August 03, 2006 | Reply

Panic room, Dave...panic room.

Breathe.....in.....breathe.....out.....

Sorry you had such a shitty week.

Posted by adena on August 03, 2006 | Reply

Well since I am pregnant and didn't immediately miscarry or experience any other side effect except my usual belching every couple of minutes, I guess your anger is not unreasonable and anyone who tells you to fuck off and die yourself over it should be shot. Or have a pole shoved up their backside.

Although now I am convinced you need a vacation away from the insanity, although I don't know where you'd go to get away from all the assholes. They do seem to be everywhere.

Posted by Mooselet on August 03, 2006 | Reply

I love your cartoons. Especially the sign up the stupid driver's ass. And you are right to tell comment trollers to fuck off and die! I hope your week gets better. After the day from hell yesterday today was midly better.

Just step back and breathe...

Posted by apricoco on August 03, 2006 | Reply

I think of profanity as an artform.

I'm also very confused as to why you would get mail from stoopid people. You just don't have anything that even resembles an offesnsive blog. What's up with that?

Posted by Miss Ann Thrope on August 03, 2006 | Reply

< big hug >

Posted by lizriz on August 03, 2006 | Reply

I'm with you on all of these. And you are right about the movie theater experience, it is awful anymore. Somehow they have managed to make the seats better, but everything else continues to get worse.

Posted by Brandon on August 03, 2006 | Reply

I think you need some warm cookies and a nap. Seriously.

If that doesn't sound appealing, how about I spring for a Swedish massage? You get to pick the chick. I'll just pay for it.

It's ok, Dave. You mean everything to ME. I'll even lick you the next time we meet.

Posted by Mocha on August 03, 2006 | Reply

It is now my mission to use twice the usual amount of expletives on my blog to make up for your usual, preferential lack of 'em.

I wonder if I can fit some non-expletives in there from time to time .. Hm.

Posted by marie b. on August 03, 2006 | Reply

This is stupid.

Oh wait, no....heh.

I sooo wish the drivers here in California would learn to follow those signs. And the movie people in movie theatres who eat loud, talk, let their cell phone ring, kick the back of my effing chair throughout the entire movie can be blasted into next freakin' year 'cause that seriously ticks me off when I've paid that much to view a 2 hour movie. I could get a hooker for that much for pete's sake.

Posted by Kentucky Girl on August 03, 2006 | Reply

Reel Theaters offers a superior movie viewing experiance. No I'm not just plugging them because I work for them, my town had two old shitty theaters before they came to town and showed them who was boss.

Well, we can't control the people though. Some noisy b$#*h ruined Miami Vice for me.

Posted by James on August 03, 2006 | Reply

Wow, when YOU use the eff word without using @ or * then I KNOW you're pissed. I was going to point out a typo but I'm afraid of getting the other signpole up my ass. It's no biggie, anyway, dude. I mean SIR! Sorry.

Posted by Karl on August 03, 2006 | Reply

You're so entertaining...thank you, thank you. I had a shitty night dealing with egotistical, disrespectful, horny men at a bar that need to FUCK OFF and DIE. Reading your post cheered me up...somehow.

BTW. They have this great drug called Xanax, have you tried it?

Posted by Ariana on August 03, 2006 | Reply

HI Dave.
I am SO with you on number five. STupid people with stupid negative comments add nothing to the discussion or to society. I don't get negative comments much, but there is someone in Oslo who apparently has decided they don't like me and are leaving nasty, PERSONAL comments (you're fat, you're mean, do you know where your husband is right now? blah blah)on my blog. Of course I moderate them away, but it fucking pisses me off that this ass hat is such a weenie that they think they can leave nasty notes to me, about me, and they don't have the stones to let me know who they are. I mean, how pussy is that, anyhow? They've also sent me rotten emails under an assumed name...

But then, I also think, dude, I've got the power. I'm being stalked. Someone is obsessed. I am obviously powerful enough that this slimy fartwad has to go to the trouble to get through my ip block just to leave messages trying to annoy me. And how frustrating for them it is that they never get through and I don't acknowledge them, ever. Power.

AND I think that this poor person must not have much of a life if they spend their time bugging ME. Seriously, ME? Get laid, get a job, eat a sandwich, take a dump,,,, those are all WAY better uses of time then leaving shitty comments. There's already too much negativity in this world as it is for that crap.
Anyhow, this is all stuff I wanted to post on mY blog but am not, because of the aforementioned policy of non-acknowledgement.

Posted by karla on August 04, 2006 | Reply

"been around the world and found that only stoopid people are breeding" ... oh how true :/

hope things improve for you *comforthugs*

Posted by kazza on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Dave, I've been enjoying your blog over the past couple *late* nights and find it both hilarious and a treat for my overworked eyes (outstanding look and your cartoons are too awesome).

I second every single one of the entries on your list, and have another:

"People who can't be bothered to train their dog(s) and/or who treat them like crap."

I could extend this to any person who treats their animal poorly, but lately I've had my fill of this with dogs. People who let them bark and bark and bark and bark and BARK (it amazes me that *anything* can make noise for hours non-stop). Are these people all deaf?

Right now we live in the Wild West somewhat - used to be the boonies and is quickly becoming just another McCity - so there's a little more of the less-than-conscious mentality goin' 'round here. On second thought... maybe not.

Our neighbor behind us recently got the *sweetest* puppy (a boxer/something mix) - most likely as a gift for their son (who appears to be part of a divorce/separation and is never there). The puppy seems to be just another of 10,000 toys on their back porch (including the must-have mini-4-wheel-drive electric car, etc.). 500 times the amount of toys any of us over 35 had when they were kids. Get the picture?

So this poor puppy gets tied up every single day now and has no one to play with, no one to take him/her for a walk. Nothing. They didn't even get it a doghouse/hutch or even an old blanket/pillow for cryin' out loud. The first day a cold rainstorm hit here I called the animal control people and pointed out what an idiot the owners must be - then I wondered if they knew each other - DOH! Few days later the puppy at least has a "run" area on a cable about 30 feet long. Better.

But the puppy still gets no attention during the day, so I decided to buy a bag of rawhide bones and give the puppy one to give it something to do. I mean... these f%$#ing people can't even buy the dog a single f%(*ing bone or a toy?!? Must have run out of money buying the plastic-electric Hummer XIV.

I went over (purposefully when the owner was gone because quite frankly I'm concerned I might kick his @$$ from here to Sunday) and the puppy got all excited to see me - ANYBODY probably - and was really happy to have the bone to chew on. OMG this puppy is so frickin' sweet. It breaks my heart to think about its life and probably 50,000,000 other animals neglected/abused/forgotten/whatever.

Sorry I'm ranting a bit, but when I see stuff like this I think to myself: You know... when Mother Nature decides she's had enough of our bulls***, she's gonna kick our @$$ like nobody's business. It's gonna be messy.

And you know... I wouldn't be at all surprised if I found myself standing up and clapping while she did.

Posted by Kapha on August 04, 2006 | Reply

A-ha! What a great post to start off my day of dealing directly with the public, thanks Dave!

~I work in a grocery store, the gathering place for the lowest common denominator...

Posted by ~jtm on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Oh my God ! You are becoming a telepathic... You can read me, now. You are the first human ! (Yes, Spock is not human.)
I have a solution : you have to put things into perspective... But I think that the word "relativize" does not belong to your vocabulary. Oh my God... Now, it is me... I am becoming a telepathic too... :-)

Posted by Laurence on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I am thankful I happened upon your blog a few months ago. It's nice to know that I am not crazy and people really do suck. Just know that you are not alone, and maybe someday they will all just fuck off and die. But until then, just hang in there.

Posted by Lynn on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I love this post! :)

Posted by kilax on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I am SO with you on number one. I work at a Teen Center, and it appalls me to see how the kids act on a day-to-day basis. The kids get to use the facility and everything inside for FREE (it's paid for with our tax dollars), and they. fucking. TRASH. the place on a daily basis. And if we try to discipline them? Wooo-mama, watch out! I've had three separate occurences of angry parents coming into my center and screaming at me or another staff member in the past three weeks. I understand that parents might have concerns about our disciplinary procedures, but how about coming in, sitting down, and discussing things like adults?!?
Seeing how kids act anymore makes me very scared for our future. The sad thing is, I'm only 26. I'm not that far removed from teenager-dom myself, but there was no way in hell that my peers and I would have acted like these kids do. We weren't perfect angels but the level of disrespect, cursing at adults, sexual behavior, and illegal behavior seems to have increased at least tenfold between my generation and theirs.
To all of the shitty parents and their bratty, foul-mouthed, rude little twats of offspring--FUCK OFF AND DIE!!

Posted by amanda on August 04, 2006 | Reply

It's nice to see a normally restrained Dave unleash his inner non-Zen anger on an unsuspecting world occasionally.

And I agree with you wholeheartedly.

Posted by Avitable on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Dave: The site is amazing! At what point in history did society begin not giving a damn about the behavior of children? When I met my wife her two kids were out of control! I don't just mean running around out of control, I mean kicking their eighty-year-old great-grandmother out of control! As a kid that got the belt for screwing around, I don't really think severe beatings are needed but even dolphins bite their babies to keep them in line. After about two hours of that madness, I made a large wooden paddle and had the kids watch me do it. Long story short I've never had to use it since I hung it on the wall. Parents do you job and be a PARENT! As for left-lane hogs, I think we should be able to shoot three people a year. Three people a year no questions, no excuses, stupidity is good enough reason for the bloodshed. Obviously signs, road rage, and bitching will never shift these idiots into the slow lane where they belong. So as a group I think we need take it to the next level! Okay, shooting them may be harsh, side swiping them off the highway will do. :-)

Posted by Anonymous on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I'm going to have to come back to read all of this because I can't stop giggling at the parking poll up the ass toon long enough to concentrate on the words around it. Though, I did see what you wrote about Saturn. I have a Saturn also, but luckily I haven't had any problems with them. I didn't realize you could buy your own diagnostic computer -- you have to send me the link.

Posted by Eve on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Why did I not know about this meme?

Guess what I'm posting next Thursday?

Oh, and I HATE left-lane drivers as well and if you think Saturn's service is bad, you should be glad you don't have a Mazda. A friend of mine has one and it's like getting dental work, dealing with those buttwads.

Posted by Peggy Archer on August 04, 2006 | Reply

No, seriously. You need to publish your "... for Dumbasses" book series. And if you don't feel you have enough material for separate books on each topic, consolidate them all into one "Big Book of Help for Dumbasses." I'd be your first customer.

Posted by Jeff on August 04, 2006 | Reply

This is stupid! (Just kidding!) I love your "Fuck Off" list -- I absolutely whole-heartedly agree with ya.

Way to share your frustration. Happy Friday!!

Posted by NetChick on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Fuck off and die...

Just kidding. Cool way to let off steam.

Posted by Carl on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Don't forget those sticky movie theater floors... That's high on my list of reasons I don't like to go!

I will never understand comment trolls... what's the point anyway? Why read something just to leave a nasty comment? Ugh.

Posted by Bre on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Oooooo, I'd love to see that "sign pole" cartoon on a gray t-shirt. :)

Posted by BlogLaughs on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I am reading a magazine (about psychology). There is an interesting article...
http://www.israsociety.com/2006meeting/abstracts/27sytp2f.pdf

There would be a molecule of male anger : vasopressin. This molecule would explain why the men tend to fight in them and women to be helped. By writing this comment, I have the impression to reinforce the side sexist of Blogography . Sorry... But Science, it is Science... ;-)

Posted by Laurence on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Saturn can totally kiss my ass, too.

I "had" a Saturn. Key word is "had."

Posted by Pauly D on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I am with you. This is a great meme. I was worried that behind the R-rated warning you were going to announce membership in Half Naked Thursdays.

Posted by yellojkt on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Ha! Brilliant list, and I definitely could add a few more based on the week I've been having... people who steal your fuses in a 99 degree heat wave? FOAD!!!

Here's hoping next week is better for you!

Posted by jenny on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I have a '98 Saturn. The SERVICE ENGINE SOON light comes on every once in a while for me, too. It's been the gas cap 100% of the time. I think it's just wearing out. So when I screw the cap on now, it takes like 20 turns to get it on tight enough. Cheap Saturn bastards. Anyway, my service manual says that it can take several starts before the light goes off. It's probably just that.

Some advice? Make nice with a mechanic somewhere. It doesn't matter where, as long as he has diagnostic equipment available to him. He'll run diagnostics on the cheap, you can do whatever you do on the cheap for him.

Posted by Spants on August 04, 2006 | Reply

[sigh] Although I agree with your list 1000%, I do wish you would stop making a memewhore out of me. I fear the give-and-take aspect of our relationship has become sadly out of balance. Is there nothing I can offer you in return?

Posted by SJ on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Amen amen amen amen on the kid thing; half of the reason we are never sure if we want one is because we see too many of them running around like little asshats; but I know that it is PARENTING that is awry, not the urchins themselves.

And troll commenters are big fat pussies (sorry for the foulness) because if you want to say something, have the balls to use your name, hrmph.

Posted by Hilly on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences lately. And I agree with you totally on the bad movie theaters rant. Most theaters are crap-on-a-stick, but the Rave theaters over here rock! I don't know if there's one near you, but if you have one I whole-heartedly recommend it.

Here's hoping things get better....

Posted by sultana on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I. HATE. SATURN.

Posted by Deb_LA on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Goddamn it, it's Friday...
and I have such a GOOD FOADT rant, too.

Ah well, I made it a fuck off and die Friday on my blog.

GAH!!

I'm with you. I really hate people sometimes.

Posted by adena on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Wow, it's a good thing that I don't have a blog. I'd be posting a FOADT entry every day after work. If I made one post a day (which I guess would change the meme to FOADS, FOADM, FOADT, FOADTW, etc.), I would easily have enough material for at least a year. Of course I wouldn't have all the cool illustrations to go along with the entries... People are really stupid and/or oblivious. Yep. Good thing I don't have a blog...

Posted by Jill on August 04, 2006 | Reply

"The grass is warm. The sky is green."

You're scary Dave. More people should be THIS normal. I NEVER comment so... here. is. my. comment.

Pop in Office Space maybe...

Posted by Mary on August 04, 2006 | Reply

Poor Dave needs a batch of homemade snickerdoodles, fresh from the oven.

I'm just NOW having my very first troll/idiot/insane person commenter on my blog, and I got so excited about it that I let it carry on over three entries before I put a stop to it. But he's a really, really entertaining one.

Posted by Belinda on August 04, 2006 | Reply

I'm sending mai tai for you.

Posted by EDDIE on August 05, 2006 | Reply

oh my f'in lord how could i not know this existed?! i've been missing out on my callin in life!!! ok, next thursday i am so on top of this, and considering you have already covered shitty parenting i can cross that off my list (and jeebus dave you think it's bad traveling...try being a school teacher)

Posted by exposed on August 05, 2006 | Reply

I've been a long-time reader, but I'm commenting for the first-time because I want to help you, Dave! :-)

I'm thinking that one of the auto places (Advance Auto/Auto Zone) have one of those deals where you bring your car, and they'll hook the diagnostic equipment up to it for free.

But I also have a 96 Saturn (purple, thank you very much, a version they made for only half that year), and when the service engine light comes on and goes off like that periodically, it usually means the oxygen sensor needs to be replaced. You might have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's been my experience. I'm lucky enough to have a dad who's a car guru.

If you keep this car for another 20,000 miles, I'd advise checking the oil level often. Saturns have a nasty habit of guzzling oil.

Posted by Carla on August 05, 2006 | Reply

Mooselet is a good friend of mine from way back and is one of the only people who trouble to read my insipid blog rants (my blog is my therapy, if I couldn't write it out my head would explode). My last tirade had to do with the idiot drivers who hog up the left lane here in south Florida. She referred me to your blog, particularly your cartoon, which I loved!

We don't have any signs here that state what should be the obvious to every shitheel cruising obliviously in the left lane. And if we did, we'd have to put up multiple transalations, and actually get our police to enforce it. As it stands now, I watch police cars in a hurry in the left lane actually tailgate these assholes, and when the asshole doesn't move, they then go around them, like us mortals do.

Posted by bostonbootgirl on August 06, 2006 | Reply

I am glad you're not the Hulk!!!

Posted by Blazer on August 06, 2006 | Reply

You can buy the computer to diagnose car problems? Really? Sign me up!

Posted by Kevin on August 07, 2006 | Reply

Good list, Dave. Stupid parents would definitely be on mine too. It might be on there more than once actually.

Posted by claire on August 07, 2006 | Reply

Did you get the diagnostic computer yet? How's it work?

Posted by Gary LaPointe on August 08, 2006 | Reply

I wandered over from your guest blog on Hilly's site. It cracked me up and I had to check out your site. This was terribly funny as well, particularly the sign up the ass.

Being a resident Seattlite I wanted to agree with your assesment of the driving here! Its awful - it's like we have imported the worst of the worst drivers. No one can merge, I've actually thought about giving up driving but we don't have any public transportation (City of Seattle FOAD)

If you haven't bought the diagnostics computer you can go to Schucks (when you are in Seattle - or if they are in your area) and give them your ID and borrow their's to run the diagnostics.

Posted by Kim on September 04, 2006 | Reply

Dave is an awesome guy!
i love ur blog!!!!

Posted by Arun (not the hurley's husband) on September 19, 2008 | Reply