Bedridden

Posted on December 4, 2005

I don't feel like getting out of bed today.

Fortunately, with a PowerBook and a wireless network, there's no need to get out of bed! I can just lay here and the entire world can come to me. Not only that, but my Lego Advent Calendar is just within reach on my desk... and I can almost... argh... just about... get my fingers on it... and there we go. Wow. It's a little Lego police officer. That's going to make for an interesting turn in the story.

And speaking of interesting turns... my rant yesterday about my name and blog content being commandeered to advertise mattresses has only served to get me put on two more mattress sites. Apparently, the same scumbags are running all three, and all I did by complaining about it was provide more material for their Google-aggregating asses to steal. It's like a virus that spreads... all in the interest of getting people to click on their Google mattress ads. I find it fascinating that so many people are using theft as a business model now-a-days. Even worse... they're probably making money at it.

They all must die, of course. Once I've achieved world domination, I'll get right on that.

And speaking of Google searches... I continue to be amused at what searches people are using to find Blogography. I realize that most of the time I'm listed because random words in one of my archives somehow manage to fit the search criteria, but it's still bizarre. Here's some of the "cleaner" results I've seen this morning:

• "CSI Miami David Caruso over acting" - I complain about it enough, and he really does suck ass on an otherwise good show, so this one actually makes sense.
• "Catherine Bell porn" - I wish.
• "elizabeth hurley naked" - If only! Now that's just cruel.
• "who is David Simmer?" - I ask myself that same question every day.
• "chop penis off food" - Please, please tell me that this was not a research project. I should have realized that this would get me into trouble.
• "thick ass fine naked bitch gallery" - At first I thought "no way!" But then I followed the Yahoo! search and, sure enough, there's Blogography right next to some really, really disgusting other sites. I find it amusing that this guy was so specific in his quest for porn, and feel bad that I must have disappointed him when he got here.
• "Paula Radcliffe peeing picture" - Sorry, you won't find that here... and why would you possibly want to see such a thing? This is actually a common search that brings people here, which is disturbing for oh so many reasons.
• "dave fantasy ass" - You know it baby!

Sigh. I suppose now I HAVE to get up so I can go to the bathroom. I also need to grab my camera.

Not that I am going to take pictures of myself in the bathroom or anything... I just need to take a photo of the Lego toys for today's chapter.

Seriously... you really need to get your mind out of the gutter!

I need to get my mind out of the gutter as well, but the words "elizabeth hurley naked" are stuck in my head.

CHAPTER 4: Jingle Bell Cop Rock
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR TOY OF THE DAY: Disgruntled Policeman with Walkie-Talkie
   
Scaling the burning meth lab, fake fire fighter Lego Dave sets out to rescue a crack whore from the inferno...
   
"I'm coming to save you Miss Crack Whore!" Lego Dave cried above the roar of the flames. As the cherry-picker ladder rose higher and higher, he could barely make out a figure standing in the smoke-filled window above.
   
After agonizing minutes, the bucket finally reached the second floor.
   
"Here I am to sa-- hey! You're not a crack whore!" Lego Dave exclaims.
"No you idiot, I'm a police officer!" replied the disgruntled figure, his face twisted into a perpetual smirk.
"That's okay Mr. Policeman, I'll save you!" Lego Dave replied. "Hop in!"
"Thanks guy" said the police officer, as he climbed into the bucket.

"I am so totally brave!" Lego Dave said proudly. "They're sure to make me a fireman now!"
"What?" said the policeman. "Hey! You're not a real fire fighter! What's going on here?"
"Don't say that. DON'T SAY THAT! I AM A REAL FIRE FIGHTER" Lego Dave replied frantically. "I've proven it by rescuing you!"
   
As the bucket reached the ground, sirens could be heard in the distance. The police officer had called the fire department on his walkie-talkie when the fire had broken out.
   
"You stay right there fella!" the police officer demanded. "I'm calling for back-up, and we're going to have to take you down to the station for questioning..."
   
Has Lego Dave's fire fighting adventure come to an end?
   
FIND OUT TOMORROW WHEN DAVE'S "A VERY LEGO HOLIDAY TALE" CONTINUES!

Comments

I'm really enjoying your Lego advent tales. I might very well have bought one for myself too if I'd seen them here.

Also, that totally sucks about the blog theft. It's basically confirms the sources of my own blogging paranoia.

Posted by claire on December 04, 2005 | Reply

   

I've been away from reading blog entries for a few days now. But I'm back and I'm reading this utterly disturbing tale of Lego unrest as it unfolds. You're really scaring me, Dave.

I see dead bricks...

Posted by Kevin on December 04, 2005 | Reply

   

When The Boy opened todays door on his calendar, the first thing i thought about was how you would write the cop into the story. Very interesting turn of events.

Posted by Rob on December 04, 2005 | Reply

   

Ohhh... do I suspect a cross-dressing police officer who nailed a crack whore on a mattress and Lego Fireman Dave is going to blow the whistle? Or will he just use his big-ass flame thrower again an torch the meddling pig?

..... on pins and needles.

Posted by eV on December 04, 2005 | Reply

   

Does Lego Dave wear some sort of gear that enables his plastic self not to melt when exposed to inferno-like temperatures?

Posted by sandra on December 04, 2005 | Reply

   

I am totally hooked on these Lego Advent tales! I wonder what will happen to Lego Dave next...

Posted by kilax on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

My most favorite and most disturbingly frequent cause for google visitation to my site is "mohair masturbation." The fact that they always come from the UK - man, I just don't want to know.

And now, thanks to this comment, you can share the google love.

Now I'm going to go ponder why I find playing with Legos an attractive quality in a man - what does that say about me???

Posted by lizriz on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

Lego Dave is my hero. Never could resist a man in uniform.

And I would comment on how sleazy those vendors of m@ttre$$e$ are, but I don't want to contribute to your turning up in any more google searches. That just sucks!

Posted by jenny on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

Hey. Where did you get that calendar? Was hoping to pick up one locall instead of driving all over town looking for one. That is by far the coolest Advent calendar of all time!

Posted by michaelsean on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

Your mentioning the phrases that bring up Blogography in Google searchs has lead me to a new pastime...finding random phrases that work to bring up your site within the first page of results. Two words..."lego holiday" get you on the first page of google..and "lego holiday tale" gets you the number one spot.

Yes..i'm bored and putting off homework. Yet its all so much fun...

Posted by James on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

chop penis off food? really?

Posted by Ignatius Dedd on December 05, 2005 | Reply

   

Favorite search to my site is still "aluminum underpants." Well, that and "trying to poop," which has brought more than one visitor. I am so proud.

Posted by Belinda on December 06, 2005 | Reply

   

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